Chris’s Comments (group member since Nov 04, 2015)

Chris’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Justin wrote: "This is great feedback Chris!

First, I'll say you give me too much credit for the analogy between the two-headed coin and the cyborg's brain. That did not even cross my mind! So I appreciate that ..."

I suspected that was the theme. I think adding something like:

'Shocked into alertness, T'Mos, now Torbernus, opened his eyes...'

I think that would make it clearer. Anyways, happy to help on the two sided coin. lol. ;)

Sorry Justin, for some reason when doing my critiques I missed your story. I found it though and posted a brief critique, for better or worse. I think I covered everyone this month. ;)

Happy Birthday Paula!

Review of: Trans Spatium et Tempus by Justin

Three stories from different times tell of questionable decisions to proceed down unknown corridors. The first involves a pair of men from a prehistoric era, determined to lead a ferocious beast away from their clan, only to have one of them fall forever into an ethereal void. The second is the tale of a Roman commander tasked with hunting down religious zealots. He instead betrays his own man to save the very worshippers of the Way he was tasked with locating. The third is a futuristic tale where a rigged coin flip determines whether to proceed into a mysterious wormhole. A conversation with himself, two halves of the same cyborg, relies on a bit of trickery from a coin that likewise has two faces.


My favorite sentence:
‘The dead moldered in narrow alcoves carved into room’s walls, but what he sought was the living kneeling in worship.’


What I loved:
I loved the cyborg portion of the story. I liked how you were able to tie the roman coin in, and the analogy between the two-headed coin and two-brained cyborg. Clever.


What I liked:
I like your Roman tale, a compact story with an unexpected twist.


What I didn’t connect with:
For me, the first story seemed out of place. It really didn’t seem to relate to the other two and had a mysterious unexplained ending I didn’t get. I did like how the second and third story were tied together.
I also wished the three stories were tied more closely together somehow.

My general impression:
A nice series of compact stories with a common theme – disappearing down an unexplored pathway.

Review of: Pride of the Interstellar Defense Force by G.C.

Alexander Ackov is a Star Commander in the Interstellar Service’s fleet, an officer with large aspirations overshadowed by limitless shortcomings. Summoned to his Admiral’s office, Ackov’s inadequacies are made painfully clear as he anxiously bumbles through their meeting, fully expecting to be given command of their flagship, the Starlight. Following a series of awkward missteps, the Star Commander fully and inadvertently blurts is expectations, agreeing too quickly to accept his next appointment, which turns out not to be the Starlight, but command of the worst ship in the fleet…and Ackov has already committed.


My favorite sentence:
‘Brand new and sparkling, Starlight was equipped with the most devastating weapons, the latest high-performance StarDrive, and (of course) an elite crew that was hand-picked from the Interstellar Service’s finest officers and technos.’


What I loved:
I loved your visual set-up to this story. Very convincing hard science fiction.


What I liked:
I enjoyed Ackov’s character – the anxious, awkward commander with great aspirations, the rug pulled from under him.


What I didn’t connect with:
There were two things I didn’t quite connect with.
First, given Ackov’s fairly substantial shortcomings, how did he ever make it to Star Commander and why would he ever, in a millions years, think he’d get command of their flagship? This wasn’t convincing enough for me.
Second, I expected more of a dramatic twist at the end, and was a little disappointed when it ended a little flat.


My general impression:
A very nicely written, simple story with an colorful narrative and sympathetic protagonist.

Kalifer wrote: "Chris wrote: "Review of: A Delicacy by Kalifer

The crew of a ship lands on an alien world that’s just too perfect, too uniform. Then from nowhere, they’re taken inside an alien orb and charged wit..."

Gotcha! I noticed the Jesus reference and thought maybe that's what you meant but wasn't sure. ;)

I've posted a few more critiques. I mean only the best and hope they're constructive.

Review of: The Grand Elimination by Greg

The Grand Elimination is a Schindler’s List type story of a human sympathizer amongst an oppressive alien race, wrongly charged with destroying humanity. H’Nagar, their “Executioner” stands, like his peers, accused of genocide, the destruction of Earth and its inhabitants. Now, set before a judge, he gives an accounting of how he not only didn’t wipe out the human race, he in fact saved them. All the while, H’Nagar learned from the humans, the ability to lie, cheat, and steal. So, he employs those newly acquired skills to save them and, using embezzled funds, shuttled them off to a new homeworld. The time comes for judgement and the rescued humans come to his defense, rushing him away with a wink and the promise of a potential punishment on their homeworld that will never come.


My favorite sentence:
“They are frequently at war with themselves, within themselves, a constant conflict between the good and evil within each them.”


What I loved:
I really enjoyed H’Nagar’s character, potential villain become savior.


What I liked:
I enjoyed H’Nagar’s monologue quite a bit. It was an interesting perspective about humans from an alien.


What I didn’t connect with:
Admittedly, it took me a couple of read-throughs to get the gist of the story. I didn’t really get the ‘lone-wolf’ human-sympathizer element at first, especially given his title and power. So, I didn’t really connect with H’Nagar’s motivation for saving the humans at first. Sure, he was curious about them in the beginning, and he displayed some sympathy mixed with disdain, but not really any empathy, learning to save them via a LACK of morality. Still, he saved them nonetheless, bankrupting his own people in the process. I think a larger heartfelt connection, a wrenching despair, with the humans would have made that element clearer. Anyways, once I understood your plot, I really liked this story.
I was also a little thrown off in the beginning by the dilithium reference, which made me think of Star Trek right off the bat. Maybe name the ore something else?


My general impression:
This was an interesting spin on a devil-become-savior story and a fun read.

Greg wrote: "Story #50

I just realized (after a little math) that this is my fiftieth Microstory story I’ve posted. (It is the fifty-first story I’ve written, but I missed the deadline for one. Ironically, tha..."

Cheers, Greg! ;)

Review of: Tears of Hope by Carrie

Esther and William are two scientists out to dinner. Angrily, Esther accuses William of abusing the use of The Door, a device which not only allows time travel but, with some enhancements, the ability to predict the future. The only thing is, Esther’s not on board. Even so, William tries to calm her down, explaining all the benefits possible of this technology and its applications in the future - preventing crime and even the ability to go back and save lost loved-ones. In the end, Esther is conviced, excited for the possibilities of a predictable future.

My favorite sentence:
“Even if we couldn’t prevent it the first time, we could use The Door to sidestep the event and sort of…redo it.”


What I loved:
I loved your dialogue. It was very realistic and convincing. You were extremely effective at driving the narrative home with it.


What I liked:
While your idea of a machine that allows prediction of the future is a common one, I enjoyed the moral dilemma Esther expresses and her ability to reasonably come around. It was nicely done.


What I didn’t connect with:
In the beginning, you set up the story in a restaurant and patrons looking their way due to a heated exchange, but that reference is never mentioned again, despite Esther’s dramatic tone and even poking William accusatorily with a fork. I think either the setting should be changed or there should be more references to her making quite a scene.
There was also one reference to John and it “can’t see into the future” though John is apparently dead. Perhaps that should be ‘couldn’t’, especially considering the “enhancement” William made to the machine?


My general impression:
Overall, a nicely written, dialogue driven story.

Review of: The Hall of the Judged by Jot

This is the tragic, and somewhat creepy story, of a man to be judged and sentenced to the unthinkable, a headless eternity, kept alive in a glass jar. Awoken from a dream of decapitation, Aknar is removed from his cell and escorted down a long hallway, filled with faces of the convicted and all preserved alive in jars for eternity. As a final act of defiance, our protagonist is able to break free of his restraints and immobilize the guards, then turns a gun toward the head-filled jars lining the hallway. He first destroys his father’s head, alleviating his suffering, before turning the weapon to the other jars and ultimately on himself.

My favorite sentence:
‘Surprised, he willed his eyes open and they obeyed.’


What I loved:
I loved the imagery here, the sense of desperation, and the terrible punishment. I’d never read something like the gruesome fate awaiting the accused in this story. Very effective.


What I liked:
I like your ability to fully develop and wrap the entire story up while still preserving its loathsome details.


What I didn’t connect with:
I wondered what Aknar was accused of. What was so tragic or terrible, he’d face this gruesome fate? Was it something truly awful or something most of us would consider relatively mundane? I think a clarification here would really improve the story.


My general impression:
A very effective, tragic story. Nice job.

Review of: A Delicacy by Kalifer

The crew of a ship lands on an alien world that’s just too perfect, too uniform. Then from nowhere, they’re taken inside an alien orb and charged with contaminating the very world they were set to explore. Transported to a white room for judgement, their judge is a person picked from a random memory, a childhood gardener of one of the crew. Finally and unexpectedly, the crew is transported back to their ships, standing in their own urine, two of them missing their pinky fingers.


My favorite sentence:
“You don't know what your men are doing any more than you know whose teeth-cleaner you're using.”


What I loved:
I enjoyed your description of Elco 3 and thought you were very effective at describing the uniformity of a (possibly) manufactured world.


What I liked:
Your dialogue was effective and convincing, very relatable.


What I didn’t connect with:
The story was confusing for me. I didn’t quite understand some of the references, and the relevance of Jesus being plucked from a memory, to be their judge. I also wasn’t sure of the ending – the missing fingers, standing in urine, a judgement but no outcome. And, why were two of the crew missing fingers while one wasn’t? I was left with a lot of questions at the end. Maybe I’m missing something?


My general impression:
I thought the story was humorous and a bit off-the-wall, though it was a bit confusing and I didn’t understand the ending. Perhaps it’s just me…

Tom wrote: "Critique by Tom Olbert of -- "The Secret Door" by Chris

A delightful and beautifully envisioned science fantasy of two boys on a seemingly magical adventure through time and space.

Timothy and Be..."

Tom, thanks so much for your review. I appreciate your perspective!

I had a little time, so posted a few reviews, such as they are. I'm not nearly as skilled a reviewer as some of you but I hope my impressions of your work are constructive and helpful.

:)

Review of: The Misunderstanding by Karl

Lieutenant Dornan is a sacrificial lamb in a misunderstanding between humans and an insectoid alien race. Having desecrated sacred ground, he is surrendered to the aliens in order to prevent additional conflict. Of course, Dornan resents his own people, feeling as though he’d been betrayed by them in the end, unwilling to defend him for doing his job. He’s nearly vindicated in the end and the story ends with our protagonist about to make a critical mistake.


My favorite sentence:
‘I’ve done dozens of these tests. Take a few readings, send the drillbots down for soil samples. Avoid the natives...never a problem.’


What I loved:
I really enjoyed your double twist at the end.


What I liked:
I liked your description of the aliens and their language. It really gave me a clear picture in my head.


What I didn’t connect with:
I thought Lieutenant Dornan was just too eager a participant in being handed over. I don’t think there was enough said about what he was feeling…what was going through his mind. There was hardly any objection at all by either the protagonist or his superior at being hauled away by aliens in the story/


My general impression:
I thought the ending was ironic and funny. I suppose I connected with this one because I wrote a very similar story a few months back, only without your unique irony in the end. If you'd like to read it, it was called The Enemy of My Enemy and won in September of 2017.
Anyways, nicely done.

Review of: Defense Strategy by Tom

Artie is a soldier tasked with clearing a landing zone for mining. Confronting a force of belligerent aliens, he blasts away with little regard. When next we see our protagonist, he is on trial for his crimes – attacking a peaceful native population and killing them without prejudice. Ultimately, he is acquitted of his crimes, though the trial was a farce all along, a test to determine humanity’s fitness in the galaxy. If he’d been convicted, humanity would have been spared. Instead, Artie is ironically left to a fate similar to the natives he’d exterminated.


My favorite sentence:
‘And, remember, these judges are galactic frontier guys like you, not soft Earthside types.’


What I loved:
I really liked the use of imagery here. Of course, it kind of had that Colonial Marine/Starship Troopers vibe. I could clearly see the worlds you were trying to portray, and the aliens the humans were fighting.


What I liked:
I actually like the lawyer character. I’m not a huge fan of lawyers otherwise, but I found his character and dialogue to be very convincing.


What I didn’t connect with:
I think the ending was just a little unclear. The impression I got was that humanity would have been spared if they had impartially convicted one of their own, proving them to be fair and intelligent. Is that correct?
You may want to also consider changing the term you use to describe the insectoid aliens in the beginning. By describing them as “natives”, I inferred from the start that they were sentient. I think completely leaving this in the dark until this later in the story would be more effective.


My general impression:
Your idea was very clever and unique. I also didn’t expect the ending, which is plus!

Review of: Lucky Break by C.

Manny has struggled through most of his life because of a mental disorder which has impaired his ability to secure a job. Suddenly, he is transported to another world and asked to be the representative for mankind. Of course, Manny thinks humanity is unworthy, though makes the best of the situation – a fortune in diamonds, making him wealthy beyond measure. He’s also gifted with immortality. His only price is that he return in 100 years to attend the next alien counsel. Unbeknownst to Manny, and the reader, for that matter, the entire affair is merely a schizophrenic byproduct of his mental disorder.


My favorite sentence:
‘For eons, intelligent life evolved throughout the galaxy in only two primary forms: Nanorobotic life from cold gas-giant planets, and plasma life from red-giant stars.’


What I loved:
I loved the twist at the end. I was wondering what the relevance was to his schizophrenia and the end snuck up on me.


What I liked:
I really liked how you portrayed Manny as a fairly simple man, almost humble. I also got a chuckle out of the ‘Mannykind’ term.


What I didn’t connect with:
I was a little unclear about the nature of the box he found. Was that also a figment of his delusion?


My general impression:
A nicely written story with a simple yet effective twist at the end. Well done.

Review of: A Smidgeon of Salt by Paula

A picture is painted of a defeated people on the verge of annihilation. In a last desperate attempt to save them, our protagonist pleas for a treatise, which is soundly and immediately rejected. Worse, he’s then ejected, sacrificed to the giants, who’d so decimated their world.


My favorite sentence:
‘It moves, above—like a mountain-wide hand.’


What I loved:
Paula, you definitely have an amazing writing ability, truly a wordsmith. I’m envious of your sentence construction and ability to elegantly tell a tale.


What I liked:
I liked the general idea of this story – truly a lost cause, their people unwittingly on the verge of decimation, almost willing to hand themselves over for destruction.


What I didn’t connect with:
I kept thinking the main character was a piece of cereal, fallen into a bowl of the same. If the enemy were human, and the protagonist actually a type of real food, I think that would have sealed the story for me. As it is, I generally wasn’t too sure about that in the end, leaving with the impression that it was just a giant alien eating a guy.


My general impression:
Fantastic story telling elements, as usual, and a very entertaining tale.

C. wrote: "Hi Paula, Tom, and Chris

Thank you for your patient and considerate responses to my recent critiques. It's maddening to weigh political correctness against candid criticism sometimes. What's bette..."

I think every writer here offers there critiques with the best of intentions and I prefer to keep an open mind to all of them. Again, sometimes what I may think is clear, may not be to the reader and a critique is the only way to discover that. It's one of the things I love about this group and I think it only helps our skill to be able to receive a critique positively and learn from it.

:)

C. wrote: "Critique of The Secret Door by Chris Nance

This was a happy little story of Timothy and Benjamin, two rascally little kids with a big appetite for wrestling and adventure.

And it’s a story of Al..."

C., thanks so much for your review. One of the things I like about this group is being able to see an objective reader's interpretation of the story presented.

I was very surprised about a few of your comments, however:

1. You commented, "Where was the misunderstanding story requirement?"

I'm not really sure how you missed that, considering it's the catalyst to rest of the story. Timothy and Benjamin have a disagreement playing chess (because Benjamin clearly doesn't understand the game, hence misunderstanding), which results in and actual physical altercation. The required elements for this month didn't explain what form the misunderstanding had to take, the degree to which that misunderstanding plays in the story, or that the misunderstanding had to be directly germane to the judgement requirement. Anyways, I thought that particular required element was pretty clear.

2. You also commented: "...a mysterious rugby ball which didn’t seem to come from anywhere."

In the story, it was explained that Velkaia of Adalendok, the last human alive at the end of the universe, used the orb to escape into the distant past, implying that the orb, which was the size of a rugby ball and not an actual ball itself, was from the future:

"It’s a time machine, a leftover from the end of all things. One day, in the far off future, time will burn out with the universe. But our descendants, rather, our ancestors, have all the time they need. They’ll master it, in fact."
I thought this was clear enough to explain that people in the future had perfected time travel.

I also explained, "We’re his lineage," suggesting that he traveled into the past from the end of time to save himself.

3. Additionally, you remarked: "So how did Grandma turn out to be magical?"

I tried to explain in the story that she wasn't magical at all. "A snap of her fingers and perhaps a hidden switch, the room faded away..."
I thought it was clear by the grandmother explaining, "Eventually, when you see through more mature eyes, you’ll learn its secrets," suggesting that the knowledge to use the time machine had been passed down. I also thought it was a implied that their family's success, the castle and its artwork, even the elements of the trap-door descent, were the byproduct of their ability travel through time.
And this wasn't intended to be a fantasy piece at all, but science fiction. "It’s a time machine, a leftover from the end of all things." Her mysterious ways are not due to "magic" but the technology acquired from both "The future. The past." The cave being a "museum, of sorts."

4. You noted: "Also, if he went back alone, who gave birth to all the later babies? Was Velkaia able to knock himself up and then give birth? There are a lot of loose ends here, but I have to say, THAT’s an intriguing story idea."

I never explained the date he went back to. Maybe he went back to 500AD or 500BC. Either way, there were still women there. So, I don't understand this particular "loose end." I never suggested he was the forefather of ALL humans, just this particular family.




As you know, that pesky 750 word limit is a bit of a handicap and I would have loved to go into more detail. And I suppose my own work is very subjective. Maybe I was clearer in my own head - Lol. ;)

Anyways, thanks again for the review. Your perspective helps me improve my writing ability and I'll have to remember in the future that just because something is clear to me, doesn't mean it's clear to the reader.

:)