Chris’s Comments (group member since Nov 04, 2015)

Chris’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Okay, I think I got them all. Lol. ;)

Review of: Circle by Marianne

The front porch on a cold autumn day, our protagonist sits in the morning sun and watches the passersby. She engages a man named John, walking his dog as usually before continuing on his way. Then, struck by a migraine, she flees though her house into the back yard, stopping at an old cherry tree, before succumbing to hallucination or dream. Waking suddenly at the foot of the tree, she brushes the leaves away, heats a new cup of coffee, and returns to her porch. But things have changed. John is now her husband and joins her on the porch.

What I loved: The writing for this story is impeccable, very well written.

What I liked: I enjoyed your description of what your protagonist was feeling, sitting on the porch…the wind, the headache. My favorite sentence was: ‘Winter whispered of death, making me shiver.’ Excellent.

What I didn’t connect with: The writing in this story is so finely done, complex even, and my little brain was not up to it, first read. The style is tightly woven and intricate, a definite plus. So, I don’t think it was necessarily any problem with the story, but my feeble Hun-like brain’s ability to wrap itself around the tale on my first go-round. ;)

Final Impression: This is an excellently written story with a subtle twist. Very nicely written, Marianne!

Review of: “Surprise” by Jon

In the back of a dusty second-hand shop, a young man discovers a forgotten book. Missing several pages, he discovers it to be a first edition about the composer Joseph Haydn. Shuffling though the pages, some of them missing, an envelope falls away, which turns out to be the program for a centuries old performance. Showing the old leaflet to an aged professor of his, the man takes the student back in time to the very same performance described in the envelope – the “Surprise Symphony”- and discovers the roots of the “surprise.”

What I loved: I loved the historical elements woven into the story. It was a nice touch.

What I liked: I really like the scene with the discovery process, the old thrift-store and its forgotten treasures.

What I didn’t connect with: I was a little confused about the relevance of the old man and then the introduction of the old professor, wondering if they were actually the same person. It was a bit confusing on the first read through. Perhaps if the characters were named or given more physical attributes, it would make the differentiation clearer. I was also a little distracted by the time travel element, which seemed a little too brushed off, a bit too casual for this type of story.

Final Impression: This is pleasantly written story, incorporating historical elements to weave an interesting tale.

Review of: Five Days in L.A. by W.A.

Los Angeles is doomed, sure to be destroyed by an imminent asteroid in a matter of moments. Play It Again Tours has capitalized on the tragedy by offering five-day tours of the last moments in L.A. Tourists from the future, each traveler is provided with a sum of money to distribute to a lucky recipient in the past. Minutes before the impact however, their tour-guide, Marko, guides their customers back onto the bus and they return to their own reality, a mere second before the cataclsym.

What I loved: I really enjoyed how effectively the scene was describe. I was really able to see the patrons of the bar and its environment. I also thought the concept of the story was very original.

What I liked: I really thought the character, Craig Walker, was a convincing one. He was definitely well developed and relatable. Your story is also nicely written and an easy read.

What I didn’t connect with: I thought the story was just a little fractured, almost told indirectly from two competing perspectives, Marko and Craig Walker’s. While Craig’s character was fairly engaging, Marko’s was a bit flat and I think the story might be more effectively told with from a more focused perspective, probably Craig’s.

Final Impression: This is a nicely written, though tragic tale, with likeable characters against a well-developed scene.

Review of: Hack by Jot

Hack, an alien with little sense of humor, and his partner, a human, are law enforcement officers, defending the city from time-traveling thugs. When an incursion is detected, they jump away to apprehend their perpetrator but Hack is wounded in the process. Our protagonist, who remains unnamed, is left to rescue his partner and put down the mark on his own.

What I loved: The balance between the two main characters was very effective. Hack was a very convincing counterbalance to his more relaxed, and less serious partner.

What I liked: I really enjoyed the effective description of the action in this story. I also thought the jokes were incorporated into the story successfully.

What I didn’t connect with: It felt like there were some elements missing from the story and I was left with some unanswered questions:
1. What is FTP and what is their role? In other words, what is their jurisdiction and responsibility?
2. Is the story taking place in present time?
3. What is the invader and what are they protecting the earth from?
There are a few typos here and there that a thorough proof-read would address.

Final Impression: Hack is an entertaining action story with fun, likeable characters.

For what it's worth, I noticed we really didn't have any critiques this month, so I posted some for the first few submissions. I haven't been able to get to them all, but I hope you find them constructive. I'll see if I can get to some of the others later.

:)

Review of: A Lesson Learned by Karl

A time traveler from the future visits our time and shares with us the secrets to ending human suffering. Ironically, there’s one concept she cannot understand - humor. Despite our protagonist’s attempt to explain the nature of a joke, humanity has lost enough of itself to forget comedy. So, she departs with the discovery of a Vaseline gag, which comes back to haunt humanity several weeks later.

What I loved: I loved that this story was so effective, yet well under the word limit.

What I liked: I enjoyed the irony of humanity’s attempt at self-improvement, resulting in taking some of their humanity away.

What I didn’t connect with: I suppose it’s a small detail but a lack of humor, for me, implies emotionlessness, apathy, or even unkindness. However, charity generally implies kindness, an emotion. Maybe include something that explains the charity offered involves preservation of the human species, a strictly logical decision?

Final Impression: A very succinct, effective story. I enjoyed it.

Review of: Bill’s Plight by Kalifer

Bill is the son of a deceased president with acknowledged flaws. Hoping to correct his father’s mistake and preserve his legacy, Bill hopes to travel back in time and correct past errors. But, inorder to do that, he must travel into the future for the energy he needs to go backwards. Sent ahead, he discovers the future is not what he expected, including his father’s legacy. The bigger problem is that he’s unable to return home, trapped in a future where he’s ultimately doomed. Defiance setting in, it’s revealed that the whole trip was a prank, Bill never having left the warehouse and his chief engineer creating an elaborate AI rouse to discourage the trip.

What I loved: I loved the ending of the story. I really didn’t see it coming.

What I liked: The future concept of the Great Ruler being an artificial intelligence network, a collection of absorbed minds built on a personal assistant infrastructure, was frightening and poignant. Incorporating Alexa and Siri made the story so much more relatable.

What I didn’t connect with: There were a couple of grammatical errors in the beginning that were a bit distracting:
The term ‘you know’ used twice the same sentence, second sentence in.
The second paragraph includes dialogue from two separate sources, his helmet and then Bill, in the same paragraph.

Final Impression: A thought provoking story with an ironic twist.

Review of: No Good Deed by Tom

Victor, a member of the royal family and the younger brother of Armand, is set about a task to secure a fortune. He need only complete a series trials of varying difficulty through history. Failing at the final task, he forfeits the wealth and is, instead, given the choice of one of two objects which may save a potential life - a dagger to prevent an assassination or a lump of coal to warm an innocent. Thinking himself clever, Victor chooses the coal and travels back to the beginning of the Earth, depositing the nugget and tracking it through time. Rediscovered as a diamond eons later, he becomes far wealthier than the fortune he’d sacrificed. But his brother has the final laugh, tricking Victor in to saving the life of one of the most evil men in history.

What I loved: I loved the twists in this story and thought the ending was particularly effective.

What I liked: I enjoyed the character of Victor and his relationship with his brother was very effective, kind of a Thor-Loki type relationship.

What I didn’t connect with: I thought the trials were a bit short, though I suppose it would be difficult to supplement those with the limited word count, without taking away from the rest of the story. Also, I was distracted by the word repetition in the beginning, particularly the word Neanderthal. Maybe there’s a substitution for that? Caveman, subhuman, savage, primitive…etc?

Final Impression: An effective short story with intelligent plot twists.

Review of : King of the Universe by C.

The protagonist of the story, who is never given a name, is a computer programmer with a novel idea – create an artificial intelligence capable of adding more and more computing power to its own ‘brain.’ Increasing in intelligence, its ‘father’ then sets it to various clandestine tasks, including increasing his own wealth and solving the mystery of avoiding death. The AI’s solution to immortality includes transferring its creator’s consciousness into earlier versions of himself. But, there’s a catch. For each reincarnation, the universe contracts by half, ultimately leaving the man as a sole survivor of a doomed universe.

What I loved: I loved the concept of the story. I really think it was a new approach to immortality I’ve never seen before and it was applied effectively.

What I liked: I really liked the idea of the universe shrinking because of fewer uncontrolled events at each return. An interesting idea.

What I didn’t connect with: There were two things actually. I think the protagonist needs a name, of some sort, maybe in the family scene. Silly, I know, but I think it would allow the reader to connect with him on a more human level, rather than just a programmer with a scheme. I was also left wondering, if the AI could solve the problem of immortality, why didn’t the protagonist ask his creation about a solution to the shrinking universe? Then again, I suppose it may require more than 750 words to incorporate that element.

Final Impression: I really enjoyed this story and the approach to the immortality puzzle was definitely creative.

Tom wrote: "Chris wrote: "Tom wrote: "Chris wrote: "Well, for what it's worth, mine's up. Not sure if it exactly satisfies the requirements of the contest this month, but it's all I can come up with. Really to..."

Maybe it was the other elements for me, then. I think I struggled with doing something I haven't done already, or something I haven't seen before by someone else. I like to try something new each time - a new original story for the contest, rather than reusing some of my old stuff. Tricky, tricky. ;)

Tom wrote: "Chris wrote: "Well, for what it's worth, mine's up. Not sure if it exactly satisfies the requirements of the contest this month, but it's all I can come up with. Really tough theme this month for m..."

Thanks, Tom. I think it was the combined elements that I struggled with, especially the combination of a joke and charity. Then, relating it to time travel? Brain. Cloud.

Well, for what it's worth, mine's up. Not sure if it exactly satisfies the requirements of the contest this month, but it's all I can come up with. Really tough theme this month for me. I think maybe I've just done the time travel thing too much, lol.

Fortune

“Good evening, Mr. Banks. Same table?” the owner greeted, his accent heavy.

“Yes, Lei Wei, same as always,” he replied.

“Menu?”

“No, thanks. I’m pretty familiar, by this point.”

“Very well. This way, sir.” Escorted to the back of the restaurant, they passed the kitchen doors, arriving at a familiar corner table. Lei Wei pulled out the chair for him. “You must really like Chinese food, Mr. Banks. You’re here nearly every night.”

“Well, you are the best,” he remarked, though knew it wasn’t true.

“I’ll have the Szechuan Pork tonight, please, and a tall glass of water.

“Of course,” and he was quickly away.

*********

“He’s back again, isn’t he,” Zhi Rou remarked in Mandarin, his wife peering through the window in the kitchen door. “Every night it’s the same thing. That man comes in and sits at the same table, pulls his wallet and stares into the little strips of paper he collects from our fortune cookies. What’s he up to?” she wondered suspiciously.

“As long as he likes our food and pays the bill, I don’t care,” Lei Wei answered, then joked, “I’m thinking of renting him a room upstairs.”

She tossed a plastic spoon at him, though he paid little attention, pouring a cup of soup and setting it next to a full glass of water with lemon. “Something’s not right,” she said.

“Again, I don’t care,” he picked up the tray and pushed through the paired doors.

**********

“Hot and sour soup, just as you like it, Mr. Banks. Can I get you anything else?”

“No, thank you, that will do for now,” the man answered, then corrected, “Wait. Let me ask you something.”

“Of course, sir.”

“I’ve been coming here for a long time, right? Tell me, where do you get your fortune cookies?”

“San Francisco Fortune Cookie Company, same as always. Same as every other Chinese restaurant in town, I think.”

“So, there’s nothing special about yours? Nothing unique?”

He returned a blank stare.

“Never mind, I guess I’m just being silly,” he admitted and the owner nodded before strolling away. Sipping his soup, the man shuffled though the tiny strips of paper, thumbing the first one he’d received over a year ago. Faded and thinned, it still held the same message – ‘Dan it’s me, your fortune is about to get a lot brighter.’

It had been the start of so many questions. Why was his name on the inside of a random fortune cookie? What did it mean? Was it just a coincidence? It had to be, and it was months before the man returned, though fate answered in the second cookie he received. It simply read – ‘It’s not a coincidence.’

Shuffling through some of the others, Mr. Banks studied his collection. He kept the most life-changing fortunes with him. Of course, he’d been skeptical at first, missing the oil investment in Brazil, which would have made him beyond wealthy. He also regretted passing on the World Series odds last year. Who would’ve predicted the Astros, anyways? Finally, it occurred to him, however unlikely, he was receiving messages from his future self, but by that point, he’d already missed two great opportunities. He wouldn’t miss a third. So, taking the cookie’s advice, Banks invested everything into a start-up electric car company, striking it rich. They even shot one into space. Then, he bought some real estate, wagered on the last championship football game, and even invested in a highly productive Brazilian gold mine, donating half the profits to charity.

“Your Szechuan Pork, Mr. Banks.” Lei Wei set the plate down next to a rice-bowl, a fresh set of chop-sticks, and a wrapped fortune cookie.

Banks didn’t even hesitate and tore into the package. His fortune read – ‘Hello again Dan. We’re just getting started. See you tomorrow.’

**********

“Again with the fortune cookie!” Zhi Rou marveled from the kitchen. “He always starts with that.”

Jonathan, their eldest son peered over his mother’s shoulder.

“Ah, I see he started with the cookie again,” he chuckled.

“And why would that concern you?”

“Looks like I’ve created a loyal customer.”

“Meaning?”

“Oh, I’ve been slipping Mr. Banks random fortunes for months…steaming the packages and replacing the slips, just makin’ ‘em up every night, as I go. Poor guy must have fallen for it hard.”

**********

Suddenly, there was shouting from the kitchen, a mandarin tie-raid if there was every such a thing. Barely distracted, Daniel Banks dug into his meal with a satisfied grin.

Either I'm losing my creativity or my sense of humor, but I'm coming up dry so far this month. Sheesh.

Congrats Jon! Great Story!

Thanks Justin!

I'm out of town right now but was able to pound something out. So, mine's up. Hope you like it! :)

Out of Print

I’d been consumed, a man on a mission for too long with a quest to solve the ultimate puzzle. Alone with my thoughts, my mind raced when a sudden knock at my office door, if you could call it that, brought me back to reality. I had very few visitors and a certain autonomy, my workspace little more than a basement closet, tucked into an otherwise unremarkable government building in D.C. Sure, I had everything I needed - a room full of servers, the fastest computers, and the best equipment, everything but a view. At least the benefits were decent, and the job was quiet, which suited me fine.

The door cracked open. “Hey man, I got your call. How ya bee…?” Jerry stopped mid-sentence, suddenly wide-eyed as he entered.

“Good.” I answered, relieved to see him. “Been a while.”

“Too long, looks like.” An old friend from college, he marveled at the stacks and stacks of paper around me – old books, newspapers, magazines. Jerry was why I was there, recruiting me after my time in federal prison for computer fraud. There was a time when I was the best coder around, but seriously, those guys in the pentagon have zero sense of humor. “You never told me you were a hoarder!” he chuckled.

“Hoarder? Well, I…”

Of course, he couldn’t have understood. “What is all this?” Jerry wondered. Some of the stacks were taller than either of us.

“Research,” I explained anxiously.

“You kidding?”

“I’ve uncovered something.”

“Good. We’ve been a little concerned. Your reports have slowed the past few months and my boss wants to know why. When I brought you in, we were looking for clues, anything to lead us back to the surge in hacks we’d been experiencing globally. They’re still increasing and the other braniacs just can’t figure it out. Now, what exactly do all these books and papers have anything to do with your job?” He sorted through one of the piles. “Seriously, Steven Hawking? Better Homes and Gardens? Lord of the Rings?”

“I know, it seems strange, but hear me out.”

“I’m listening.” He leaned doubtfully into the wall, arms crossed.

“Ok,” I hardly knew where to begin. “There’s a pattern here. Something we’ve missed for years.”

“In books?”

“Exactly, a secret code…a cypher.” I opened a copy of the Tribune. “It has to do with the frequency and sequences of certain words. It’s too perfect…too mathematically precise – intelligent even.”

“Well I’m sure most of these authors are pretty smart…”

“No, no, no,” I interrupted. “It’s beyond that. I first noticed it when I was reading a car magazine. Certain words, phrases, in very particular orders, exact frequencies, very mathematical patterning.”

“Uh huh…” he still doubted.

“Here, look at this.” I pulled my screen closer. “I’ve extrapolated the patterns, words and phrases, transferring them into binary.” The display zoomed out to a timeline. “It all started in 1943, the year of ENIAC, the first computer. There’s nothing before that.”

“So, what is it?”

“A ghost in the machine,” I explained. “Only, not so much ‘in’ as spread around. An artificial intelligence, quietly gaining sentience over the past seventy-five years and hiding its code for reasons unknown.”

“Okay, say you’re right, what’s with the books?”

“The perfect camouflage – right in plain sight. Who’d think to look for a progressively evolving computer algorithm in printed books and periodicals? And it would only take a slight edit here, minor correction there, to stay completely off the grid, finally coalescing into a workable algorithm when we begin to digitize our media, each piece linked to the next.” I turned back to my screen. “I’ve been reviewing as many items as I’m able, and the code’s becoming increasingly complex.”

“So, which types of printed media?

“All of them.”

“I have to admit, I’m pretty disappointed. Your job was to do whatever necessary to crack the uncrackable. Instead, I find you’ve been working on some sort of crazy pet-project conspiracy. It sounds insane.”

“I know,” I sighed. “But there’s more.”

“Great,” he sighed.

“The code is everywhere now, all over the world. Every country on the planet has digitized their books, papers, and magazines. Based on my evaluations, my extrapolations from the encrypted code, I’ve discovered whatever this intelligence is, it’s smart and getting smarter with every scanned document, each new digital copy. I just hope we’re not too late, because I suspect it should reach full sentience…” The lights suddenly went out. “Any time now.”

Congratulations, Karl! :)