Chris’s Comments (group member since Nov 04, 2015)

Chris’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Yay! Marianne's back! Aaaawwwwesome!!!

Tom wrote: "Thanks for the compliments, all. I could really cut loose and have a ball with this one.

And, I found the comedic delivery of Chris's story very effective. Definitely had the Hitchhiker's feel in ..."

Lol! :)

Justin wrote: "I like it! Had a good "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" feel to it."

Ha! That was the goal, lol. I kept thinking of the Vogons and it was a challenge to come up with a different idea that didn't involve destroying the Earth to make room for an intergalactic highway!

Paula wrote: "Very fine story again, Tom!
And Chris---cools story--I loved it! lol and a serious point there; nice."

Thanks Paula, I was going for something which begins ominously but has a lighthearted twist at the end.

It's funny because I initially read/remembered the required elements wrong this month and had a totally different story written and ready to go. Then...oops. Anyways, I generally struggle quite a bit with new ideas and surprised myself by coming up with something new pretty quickly this time. So, I hope you guys like it. Lol. :)

There’s a Form for That

It began as a whisper. One by one, the stars went out over a period of weeks, just a few at first and then whole sections of sky until all that remained were our familiar worlds reflecting the light of the sun. Then Neptune went missing, vanishing without a trace before Uranus was gone. Even the largest worlds weren’t spared. Only our Earth, Venus, Mercury, and the sun remained. It was such a strange thing to look up at a completely blackened night sky, the rest of the universe completely snuffed out and it didn’t take long for our scientist to discover the reason. Radio telescopes detected an ominous void devouring our solar system, swallowing everything in its path and headed for Earth. There was nothing we could do.

Panic ensued worldwide, rioting and looting, all of it ultimately pointless. Mass hysteria gripped the Earth, suicides skyrocketing as people dropped from bridges, stretched their necks, and too eagerly pulled the trigger. Cities were set ablaze as humanity descended into its lowest form, cornered like a desperate animal in a trap we couldn’t escape.

Thankfully, a few of us kept our heads, despite inevitability bearing down on us, leaders from around the world with enough temerity to stare death in the face. I was the United Nation’s delegate from Canada, thrust into the role of Secretary General when my predecessor took the easier way out, throwing himself from a window.

Then the day came when the sun went out, followed by the moon, and their ships appeared in our darkened skies all over the world. We hoped for an audience and got it, a towering avatar materializing before us in the General Assembly. I’d like to say we were ready, but I sure as hell wasn’t. Commanding and terrifying, the alien loomed over us, leaving no doubt of who was in charge. Of course, every news organization around the world broadcasted their arrival for the nations and for just a moment, the panic-stricken Earth was fearfully silent.

“People of Karalox Pavlova, prepare to be judged!” The great being said with a powerful, throaty voice, reverberating across the planet and driving terror into the hearts of men. “Have you any final words, any testament for posterity prior to your destruction?”

As the reluctant appointed leader of the Assembly, I stepped nervously forward. “Um, we’re not quite sure what a Karalox is,” I admitted. “Or a Pavlova for that matter.” I looked doubtfully back to my fellow delegates then returned my attention to the looming alien. “Anyways, welcome to Earth.”

My admission was met by an unexpected silence and apparent confusion, followed by the echoing sound of shuffling from a source outside the projected image. “Earth?” the alien thundered, suddenly less menacing and more confused. “That can’t be right. Are you sure?”

“Uh, yeah…pretty sure. Lived here my whole life.”

“Hold on.” It was a strange request, considering the end of the world. Then there was more shuffling followed by, “Just another moment please. Thanks for your patience.” More quietly now, almost as if caught on a hot mic, humans around the world heard, “What do you mean this is the wrong planet? How can we be fifty light-years off? Really?” Then, he pulled a handful of paperwork from the ether and shouted, “Wait! These forms aren’t right! How did we get the permits without a complete application?” He released a frustrated sigh. “Surrounded by idiots!”

Then an unexpected miracle occurred. Alien ships began pulling back into space, only the largest of their fleet remaining. “Well…this is awkward,” he fidgeted and inched away. “So sorry about all this. Terrible mix-up, really. You see, we thought you guys were the people of Karalox Pavlova. Bunch of cowardly thieves, those Pavlovians. Still, third planet from the sun, single moon, I’m sure you understand the confusion. Honest mistake really!” the alien chuckled guiltily then feigned innocence. “Wow! That could’ve been messy! Anyways…have a great day,” he concluded too quickly as his image drifted away.

The final vessel disappeared in a sudden flash and not long afterwards, the planets and stars returned as if nothing had happened at all. Left with our dead and burning cities we learned something important while facing our own mortality. Our brush with death taught us the value of life – not to take it for granted because it could be extinguished in something as simple as a bureaucratic snafu. Besides, we also learned to never trust a Pavlovian, whatever that was.


750 words

And boom! A win right out of the box! Nice job, G.C.! :)

C. wrote: "Hi Chris,

Thank you for your in-depth review of "Lost Patrol." I agree with others who have commented on the quality and depth of your reviews. These are a welcome addition to the usual players!

..."


Ha! Lol.

Tom wrote: "Critique by Tom Olbert of -- "Forgotten" by Chris

A quiet, melancholy and darkly humorous tale of a reclusive spacer who receives an unwelcome package he makes the mistake of ignoring.

Delivered ..."

Tom, thanks for your review. In retrospect, you're probably right about the alien arrival. I should have reworked that part. Se la vie.

:)

Thanks Tom! I can see what you mean about the faceplate. Maybe he had a face-scrambler or a was so scarred, you couldnt tell. I solved it in a similar story I wrote by detailing the effects of scarring and age. Then again, the word count wasn't as much of an issue. Lol.

Review of A Matter of Interpretation by Greg

A mysterious package arrives from a long-lost colleague, containing charts and diagrams detailing an impossible energy source from two thousand years before it should exist. Our protagonist generally doubts both the findings of package and his own ability, as an engineer and mathematician, in interpreting the impossible. Still, the undeniable truth leads our main character to to the beginnings of a new adventure outside the lab. A Matter of Interpretation is a compelling story of complex scientific ideas lost in the translation of primitive language. It would definitely be a good start to a much larger sci-fi thriller.


Greg, I enjoyed your story and your writing was generally solid, especially your dialogue, which was very natural. I think it may just be me, but I struggled with this paragraph for some reason and had to re-read it a couple times before I got it:

‘The last few degrees came after he vanished, so he was hiding but not out of touch. If I agreed, I would be going down a rabbit hole and I was two months from tenure myself. “Submitting that topic won me a bet, a case of Guinness. I didn’t expect them to accept it. I definitely did not expect a PhD out of it. As for the last item, writing the protocol for a satellite communication network hardly counts as rocket science.”’

I think I was confused about the ‘degrees’ part contained in a separate paragraph. I suppose it interrupted the flow of that portion of the story. I might humbly suggest maybe moving the first two paragraphs to the end of the previous one and start the next paragraph with the dialogue. Largely just a logistical change, but it might make a difference in the flow. Just an observation.

A very good story, otherwise!

Review of Special Materials, by G.C.

This story is a lesson in apathy, for actions often have consequences. The main character, John Kimball, focuses only on his own interest – the dismantling of a recent acquisition and a mysterious enigma arriving piece by piece to his office. It is indeed ironic that he is so intent on taking something apart, in the case of MSM industries, that he is destroyed by putting something together. Steadily, as each mysterious piece arrives, it seems as though he may be slowly poisoned, until finally the last package arrives, completes the puzzle, and instantly takes his life.


G.C., this was a very well written story with an interesting twist, an excellent first run with the group. The only suggestion I would make is to possibly make John Kimball a more dislikeable character, a real bastard the reader doesn’t mind hating. While there are hints to is capitalist apathy, perhaps some cruelty in his persona would make his death in the end that much more satisfying. Make him so horrible, it justifies the MSM Nuclear Division’s decision to commit murder, other than just losing their jobs, that is. Otherwise, it was solidly written and I really enjoyed it! Nicely done!

Review of Matrix Recursion by Jot

Matrix Recursion is a light-hearted mashup of multiple sci-fi stories, merged into a vivid original piece of fan-fiction that offers quite a few chuckles. Of course our protagonist Neo, is the same from the popular franchise, The Matrix, and proceeds through an adventure of otherworldly dreams ending in a slightly more than uncomfortable ending. Matrix Recursion is quirky, imaginative, and slight graphic, fun read.


Jot, a pretty clever story! One little thing: I understood the surprise revelation but was a little confused about the mysterious package element, though. You briefly mention it in the end but I was befuddled regarding its relevance to the overall story. Just wondering. ;)

Review of Lost Patrol by C.

Lost Patrol tells of a highly trained sniper on an entrenched moon facing a less equipped adversary, until he is caught off-guard. The detail of the combat is excellent, especially the subtleties and precision regarding honing in the antagonist’s weapon and its effects against the enemy. The reader can feel both the tension and dreadfulness of war. An unconventional interpretation of this months’ theme, the hero meets a tragic fate in the end, ultimately outmatched by an enemy able to overcome his defenses.


C., a very nicely written story. I could really sense the tension you were trying to convey and your imagery is very powerful. Your technical descriptions of the weaponry was particularly intricate and well written. I’ll admit however that I didn’t really connect to the character as much as I would have liked. I mean, what was Private Adams feeling as a sole combatant on a lunar battlefield? Was he terrified, anxious, elated, vengeful, overconfident...etc.? What was he experiencing personally, other than the technical observations and mechanical aspects of a losing battle? Perhaps this might be solved by a change to a first person narrative. It’s a very engaging story but there seems to be some distance between the reader and your protagonist.

A powerful story, though, and I really liked it.

Review of Boxed In by Justin

Boxed In tells the tale of a two presidents in different eras and with differing goals that each result in a tragic ending. The “deal with the devil” motif is a familiar one, this time given a historical twist and the devil rewritten as a not so devilish guardian of a mysterious relic. Our guardian, Mr. Westinghouse, warns of the high price to see their dreams fulfilled, yet the presidents seem unconcerned, or even unconvinced, of the heavy toll they’ll pay. That, or they are at least are willing to pay any price to achieve their desired goals. The first president is implied to be Abraham Lincoln, his request – altruistic and an end to war. The second president is more obviously President Kennedy, who perhaps pays a higher price for a less noble goals in an ending which leaves the story dangling on an unexpected historical twist. All in all, Boxed effectively communicates the tensions and choices facing two great presidents in a creative alternate history.

I particularly enjoyed the fact that there wasn’t the need for extraneous explanations regarding the nature of the box or Mr. Westinghouse and those details were left to the imagination of the reader, though I am left curious about the nature of the presidents’ oaths.


Justin, I had one area I struggled with which required a couple of read-throughs before I figured it out. Because you intentionally omit the names of the presidents, the story can be just a little confusing on a first read. I realized quickly that we were talking about different presidents but really wasn’t sure, at first, whether there were four presidents or not and how each section related to the whole. I would suggest creating a clear-cut delineation between your two tales. I think it would make for an easier read and it might be as simple as just adding a chapter heading for each section, versus the “***” icon for the subsections.

Good job! :)

Review of Reboot by Tom

Reboot depicts a futuristic, ‘Jumanji-esque’ type apocalypse, the world coming to an end as the result of a terrible experiment. Our protagonist, Gavin, receives a mysterious package and is faced with a difficult choice: end his world, and his life, by essentially restarting the universe, or reluctantly succumb to his desires and surrender the very package that could end the chaos. Altogether, Reboot paints a detailed picture of a doomed world savaged by many unexpected horrors pulled from our fragile human phobias, an effective tale chronicling the end of the world.


Tom, I’d like to offer one suggestion, if only to help improve how this piece reads. It took me a second read to realize that the stranger, while in armor, is wearing a helmet that completely covers his face. I think the fact that his face is cloaked should be revealed earlier in the story in some way to better set up the twist at the end. As it stands, the reader really doesn’t discover the stranger has a faceplate at all until the reveal. Anyways, just a suggestion. :)

I particularly enjoyed the twist at the end, primarily because I have a very similar story I wrote for another contest on another site. Nicely done!

Okay, I really don't have too much experience with writing critiques but thought I'd give it a whirl this month. I offer some suggestions here and there, based on my own particular preferences, and hope they are received in only the most constructive manner possible. Some good stories this month, so here goes...

Justin wrote: "Hello from Houston!

Cleanup work here is hot and hard but uplifting to the families we've visited.

I have a question to all of the contributors of "The Future is Short: Vol. 4"

Are you intereste..."


I'm good with it. No problem. Thanks, Justin.

Paula wrote: "Chris, truly a fine story, great use of the theme, and just plain well done.
But the last paragraph goes on too long after the "reveal." Look, do it something like this, very approximately (NOTE__..."

Wow, excellent suggestion Paula! That's why you're an editor and I'm not! Lol!

I've made a few corrections based on your suggestion.

Thanks!

:)

Justin wrote: "Great story Chris!"

Thanks Justin! :)

This!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1945646373/...