Chris’s Comments (group member since Nov 04, 2015)

Chris’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

The theme for June is posted. :)

JUNE 2017 MICROSTORY CONTEST - CRITIQUES ONLY

The rules for this contest are posted in the story feed.

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This month's theme:

Survival of the fittest

JUNE 2017 MICROSTORY CONTEST - COMMENTS ONLY

The rules for this contest are posted in the story feed.

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This month's theme:

Survival of the fittest

JUNE 2017 MICROSTORY CONTEST - STORIES ONLY

The following rules are from Jot Russell, moderator for this contest:

To help polish our skills and present a flavour of our art to other members in the group, I am continuing this friendly contest for those who would like to participate. There is no money involved, but there is also no telling what a little recognition and respect might generate. The rules are simple:

1) The story needs to be your own work and should be posted on the goodreads (GR) Discussion board, which is a public group. You maintain responsibility and ownership of your work to do with as you please. You may withdraw your story at any time.

2) The stories must be 750 words or less.

3) The stories have to be science fiction, follow a specific theme and potentially include reference to items as requested by the prior month's contest winner.

4) You have until midnight EST on the 22nd day of the month to post your story to the GR Science Fiction Microstory Contest discussion. One story per author per month.

5) After, anyone from the LI Sci-Fi group or the GR Science Fiction Microstory Discussion group has until midnight EST of the 25th day of the month to send me a single private vote (via GR or to author.jotrussell@gmail.com) for a story other than their own. This vote will be made public once voting is closed. Voting is required. If you do not vote, your story will be disqualified from the contest. You don't need a qualifying story to cast a vote, but must offer the reason for your vote if you don’t have an entry.

6) To win, a story needs at least half of the votes, or be the only one left after excluding those with the fewest votes. Runoffs will be run each day until a winner is declared. Stories with vote totals that add up to at least half, discarding those with the fewest votes, will be carried forward to the next runoff election. Prior votes will be carried forward to support runoff stories. If you voted for a story that did not make it into the runoff, you need to vote again before midnight EST of that day. Only people who voted in the initial round may vote in the runoffs.

7) Please have all posts abide by the rules of GR and the LI Sci-Fi group.

8) For each month, there will be three discussion threads:
a) Stories - For the stories and the contest results only.
b) Comments - For discussions about the stories and contest. Constructive criticism is okay, but please avoid any spoilers about the stories or degrading comments directed towards any individuals. If you want to suggest a change to the contest, feel free to start a discussion about the idea before making a formal motion. If another member seconds a motion, a vote can be held. I will abstain from voting, but will require a strong two-thirds majority to override my veto.
c) Critiques - Each member can provide at most one critique per story, with a single rebuttal by the author to thank the critic and/or comment to offer the readers the mind set of the story to account for issues raised by the critique. Critiques should be of a professional and constructive manner. Feel free to describe elements that you do and don't like, as these help us gain a better perspective of our potential readers. Remarks deemed inflammatory or derogatory will be flagged and/or removed by the moderator.

9) The winner has THREE days after the start of the new month to make a copy of these rules and post a new contest thread using the theme/items of their choosing. Otherwise, I will post the new contest threads.

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This month's theme:

Survival of the fittest

It's kind of a bummer that not everyone voted though...

Thanks C! :)

Yay! What a great way to start the week! :) And Justin, you were my first choice. Great story, so thanks for that!

Thaddeus, thanks so much for the review. It's always interesting and constructive for me to see my story from another perspective. :)

Thaddeus, I really liked your story. It's a shame you can't trim it down somehow. While reading it, I did notice a few areas that could be simplified and pared down a bit. I also saw some word repetition and some areas where pronouns and contractions may shorten it a bit, though I suspect it may be way over the 750 word limit. Anyways, It was a great story and very creative. :)

Tom, I always look forward to your critiques! You definitely have a knack for a thorough review. Thanks so much! :)

Thanks Justin! :)

Homecoming

I stared blankly into the face of a stranger, a man I didn’t even know. “What the hell do you want?” I asked. The cold reception hit him hard.

Of course he was in photos, pictures in an old shoe box my mom had tucked away in the back of her closet. He abandoned us a decade ago, leaving us broke…just my mom and me. I was fifteen. She worked herself to the bone to make sure I had everything I needed to succeed, only she was too proud to take any sort of help from anyone. Sure, we did okay but the twelve hour days, sometimes seven days a week…it killed her. She was at work when she had her heart attack. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

I did my best after she was gone, wanting to make her proud. Luckily, we had our old farmhouse out in Kavanaugh County that had been passed down for generations. Working the night shift in the packing plant helped me make enough money to pay for school.

“Why are you here?” I asked the man at the door.

“Zack?”

“You didn’t answer me. Why?” I repeated coldly.

“Zack, you need to listen,” he seemed agitated.

“No I don’t.” I tried to shut the door and he stopped it mid-swing. So, I opened it wide. “Damn you.”

“How’s your mother?” he asked in a way that almost seemed broken. “Is she here?”

“She’s dead,” I answered plainly. “No thanks to you.”

“I’m…I’m sorry.” His eyes turned downward and a tear fell away.

“No you’re not. If you were any sort of man, any sort of husband or father, you wouldn’t have left. We needed you.” I felt like my heart would leap from my chest. I had so much anger, so much rage, so much despair. He let us down and now that same sonofabitch was standing at my door.

“You don’t understand…”

“I don’t need to,” I interrupted. “You abandoned your family and didn’t even leave a letter. She loved you, you know. It destroyed her.”

He didn’t respond and I could tell he was holding back a flood of emotions he wanted more than anything to release. It didn’t matter though, because I couldn’t forgive him and he didn’t deserve it. “It wasn’t my fault. I…I didn’t want to…”

“You missed it all. You missed her struggling to make ends meet, missed my graduations, my birthdays, her funeral. You have no idea what we went through. I mean, where the hell have you been for the last ten years?”

“You didn’t think I wanted more than anything to be there? You don’t think I have a hole in me right now? I didn’t run away and it wasn’t my choice.”

“Bullshit!”

“Zack, I was taken!”

“By what, friggen spacemen?”

“Yes!” he replied without even hesitating. The answer was so absurd, so outlandish, I didn’t even know how to respond. Ten years away and he shows up at our door, claiming to be abducted by goddam aliens. “You have to listen. I’ve come back for you and you need to come with me, now.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You need to leave.”

“Not without you. They’ll be here soon.”

“Who? Your aliens?”

“Yeah, the whole fleet. They’ve been studying us, me and a few others. The Earth is scheduled for destruction.”

“That’s it. I’m done.” I started to close the door on him and he stopped it again.

“Listen, they offered me a deal. If I agreed to their tests, stayed with them for a while, they told me they’d save you. Now, whether you come with me or not, this planet is about to be destroyed, wiped clean! The human species is just too dangerous. They’ll only allow a handful to survive, a small population. Please!”

“Piss off!” I slammed the door successfully this time.

He paced the porch for a few hours, desperately pounding on the doors and even trying to force his way in before I muscled him out. He begged and pleaded but I wasn’t having any of it. Finally, he gave up and left...again. Silence.

The first of their ships descended on New York and the television signals lasted just long enough to show their beams scouring the earth. Every single thing in their path, skyscrapers, ships, even people, vanished in a fiery flash. That was yesterday. It’s only a matter of time now. I’m sorry I doubted you dad.


746 words

Congrats Dean! Way to go!

John, thanks so much for your critique! I would have loved to incorporate more description regarding the beast but for that pesky 750 word limit. ;) Originally, I had a more detailed monster but had difficulty including it while still complying with the limits of the contest. My most important goal was conveying the emotion of the protagonist and establishing a sense of urgency. So, I focused on that and left the details of the monster to the reader's imagination. I also wanted a story that pulled the reader along yet had a sense of resolution in the end.

Anyways, thanks again! I really do appreciate it! :)

Tom, thanks so much for the critique. I'll admit that your specific comment regarding how the creature died was something I'd also considered incomplete. So, I fixed it, subtly. I think your critique confirmed my own suspicion that a change was in order, so thanks again for that! :)

Thanks Justin! :)

Thanks Paula, I really appreciate your feedback. I'll take a look and see what I can do. :)

What Lurks Below

Sweating inside my suit, my panic taxed my respirator. Luckily, I was surveying away from the rover when it happened. Nick and Emilia…they were pulled under, taken to the bottom by who knows what.

So I ran until I almost passed out, finally stopping to catch my breath behind a berm of fractured ice, for all the good it would do. Radio communication was cutting in and out, making the phew-hiss, phew-hiss of my overworked environmental systems the only consistent sound inside my helmet. We’d only just arrived on Europa and this was supposed to be a triumph for mankind. 2042: the year we set foot on the first of Jupiter’s countless moons. There wasn’t supposed to be anything alive here. We were wrong.

“..an you here m…” my radio crackled. “Dan? Somebod…” It was Tess, back in the lander. The adaptive comm-relay was on our rover, the explorer now pulled through the ice. We definitely weren’t prepared, especially for monstrous tentacles to break through and pull us in. Nick and Emilia were still inside. “…one talk to m…” I could tell she was frantic.

My breathing slowed as I strained to calm my nerves. Our crew had no illusions about this being a safe trip. We were explorers after all and nothing about space was easy. Of course, we knew about the miles of water under Europa’s ice but even a microbe was a longshot and we definitely never expected a monster. I adjusted my comms and boosted the settings.

“Anyone! Can you hear me?” Tess screamed clearly into the mic.

“I’m here Tess!” I finally replied.

“Thank God! Emilia? Nick?”

“They’re gone.”

“What? What the hell do you mean they’re gone?”

“It was something…” I didn’t know how to explain it. “Something came up from below the ice. It was big. I…” I was still so shaken.

“My God.” Silence. “Your vitals are in the red. You’re in shock. Are you okay?”

“Far as I can tell.”

“Oh man,” she remarked.

“What?”

“I’m still picking up bio-signs from their suits. They’re still alive.”

“Damn. So what now?” She didn’t reply. “Tess?”

“I’m thinking.” More silence. “There’s nothing we can do. We have no idea what’s down there and aren’t prepped for drilling yet. This was just supposed to be a quick survey run.”

“We have to do something!”

“You’re the field commander,” she reminded me. “I’m open to suggestions.”

“Our suits are designed for 24 hours exposed, right? Start prepping the drill. Maybe a submersible…” The ice suddenly trembled. “What the hell was that?”

“The sheet is shifting! Get back here while you still can!”

“What about Nick and Emilia?”

“You’re no good to them dead!”

“Roger that. It’ll be a hike. I’m two miles out without a ride. On my way.” Then the ice shuddered again. My cleats dug in but really didn’t help my stability. Suddenly all at once the surface jolted and tossed me into the sky. Below me, something massive moved beneath the ice. “Shit!”

Then all at once, it disappeared. I reached the peak of my ascent and began to fall in the low gravity when the monster rushed the ice in a fury and the surface exploded. A hulking beast with broad segmented jaws opened wide, revealing a slimy toothless maw before collapsing lifelessly onto the surface. The crushed rover tumbled free and the thing never moved again.

I hit the ice and really didn’t know what to do next. Speechless by the whole spectacle, only the fizzling of my radio brought me back. Then I remembered I’d adjusted the band, so I worked the controls again. “Dan, you still there?” It was Nick. Far in the distance, the hatch exploded and two figures dragged themselves from the broken explorer.

“I’ll be damned. Are you two okay?” I headed immediately over to the wreckage, closer than I would have liked to the hulking beast.

“Yeah. But I think we both pissed ourselves,” he answered, trying to catch his breath.

“Emilia?”

“I’m here.” She exhaled heavily while slumped onto her knees, probably thanking God to still be alive.

I reached them quickly enough. “You two are the luckiest sonsabitches I ever met! So, what happened?”

Nick answered, “Overloaded the rover’s electrics. Guess we gave it a heart attack.”

“You hearin’ this Tess? Mission’s on hold. And tell NASA, we’ve got one hell of a biologic for them.”

“Leave it. Get your asses back here. We’re blasting off this ice cube.”


747 words

Congratulations Paula! Great Story!

This was a tough month! Every story was fantastic!