Justin’s Comments (group member since Mar 13, 2016)

Justin’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Critique by Justin Sewall of “The Dragon’s Horde” by C. Lloyd Preville

A yin and yang of two central characters: One a bloodthirsty space pirate at the head of a murderous fleet, the other the head of a massive, peaceful religious movement. The inevitable conflict between the two protagonists ensues with an unexpected ending. Certain stereotypes are used here to move the story along to good effect.

The pirate wears an immaculate black uniform with an ostentatious display of medals, while the prophet wears the equivalent of space sackcloth. One is aggressive, the other meek and mild. However, the scripture “be as innocent as doves yet as crafty as serpents” fits well here, as the Prophet expertly assassinates the pirate leader in a gory garroting.

The surprise ending here leads the reader to wonder about the true nature of the Prophet’s character. Is he really the moral and upright leader of a religious movement, or is the movement itself a massive cover for an invasion of a different sort than the brute force and destruction of the Dragon’s Horde?

Character descriptions of each opposite are crisply drawn, if somewhat stereotypical, but this does not hurt the quality of the story in my opinion. The use of a pirate captain to fulfill “the dragon” requirement is creative and clever.

Critique by Justin Sewall of “The Draevon Plague” by Tom Olbert

The myth of St. George and the Dragon is reimagined here as a failed attempt by a benevolent spacefaring dragon species to save a planet of primitive mammalian bipeds from a biological weapon.

We are introduced to the dragons at the end of a long war, when an enemy weapon is errantly launched at a pre-industrial planet. The heroic dragon captain attempts to retrieve it and then cure an infected human when he is killed by St. George.

I thought that the depiction of the dragon species as an advanced, spacefaring race was a great way to turn the myth of dragons on Earth into a tangible reality. The tech-talk while in space is par for sci-fi, but expertly and crisply done. It moves the story from space to Earth with the minimum of fuss but with enough detail to let the reader develop an excellent mental picture.

Once on Earth the action continues from the protagonist dragon’s point of view, a race against time to prevent infection keeps the tension level high. Will he succeed or fail? And what is the price of failure?

Only the Black Plague that wiped out millions across Europe.

This story was sharply written and well executed.

(critiques welcome)

Finger of God

I was the crown prince and first born son of the Hoarahp: destined to rule over a vast empire. And as I lay dying, gasping out my last breaths upon the broad steps of the Imperial Palace, my final thoughts ranged over the events that had sealed my fate…

It began during the reign of my father's forebears when the aliens arrived, seven tens in number, and made their home among us. They were so different from us in appearance, custom, and tongue, worshipping an alien god and holding themselves apart rather than assimilating like other imperial peoples. The alien's birthrate soon gave the Hoarahp and the Imperial General Staff cause for concern. What if they conspired with our enemies or rose up in insurrection against us?

The med techs were ordered to terminate all alien male offspring, but still their numbers increased. So it was decided to augment our construction automates with the forced labor of the entire alien race. Thus it was for four hundred cycles - until He returned from exile: Sesom, an alien born in our land and the former adopted son of my father. After receiving every imperial privilege, Sesom rejected life at court, murdered an imperial overseer, and fled into the bad lands beyond the reach of imperial justice. I rejoiced at his departure and gnashed my teeth at his return, for that is when the plagues began.

Sesom had the impertinence to come before my father and demand the release of the entire alien workforce. Seeing him meekly standing there with his brother Noraa’ speaking for him made me want to feed him to the dragons that plied the Elin River delta. Then somehow, he sabotaged the water purification system. By this treacherous act, all the water throughout the imperial city turned blood red and became undrinkable, except in the alien quarter. Everything in the Elin River died, even the dragons, whose corpses added to the stench floating above the docks and marketplaces.

My father stood firm after each of Sesom’s demands for the release of his alien brethren. There could be no retreat of imperial authority, nor did my father fear the alien god. Perhaps he should have. Nevertheless, troops were sent to the alien quarter to quell any insurrection. They did not remain long. The plagues Sesom had foretold soon assaulted us in rapid succession.

Gorfs from the Elin River swarmed out of its polluted currents, driving our troops back to their barracks. Their legions were irresistible. Our sanitation automates were overwhelmed and heaps of the foul creatures soon brought transit to a grinding halt. Still my father would not relent. The rumblings within the imperial court grew as we were afflicted by hordes of bio-engineered biting insects that covered our heads and filled the air around us. Breathing became difficult due to the sheer numbers of creatures in the air. Filtration masks failed.

The alien plagues continued. All livestock in the capital was destroyed, then an epidemic of hideous skin diseases broke out and infected the entire city. Our hospitals were impotent, their staffs also infected. Medical automates administered ineffective aid.

The orbital weather control system was destroyed, allowing the horrific lightning and hail that devastated the pre-imperial Elin delta to return. This stirred up clouds of crop destroying insects that ravaged anything left standing in the agro-bays. Then the power grid failed, plunging the entire capital city, except the alien quarter, into darkness.

Finally, the most terrifying of all the alien plagues came upon us. Sesom warned my father that every first born in our empire would succumb this very evening. Furious, he had Sesom forcibly led away. My father readied his flagship to take me off-world, but I refused. How could I leave my people in the face of such alien terrorism? No, I would stay. However, I did put on my bio-filtration suit.

Despite passing a quiet evening within the protection of my suit, at the median hour I clutched at my throat and staggered outside the palace, my father screaming for his personal doctor and a cryo-team to freeze my dying body. We both knew it was too late. I pulled my helmet off and lay gasping on the broad steps of the Imperial Palace. Looking up at the night sky, I watched as ships full of the aliens left in a massive exodus, the wailing of my people the last sound I ever heard.

(739 words in story) Justin Sewall © 2016

Great story Chris! Nice work! As the winner this month, I'm happy to send you my two sci-fi novellas if you'd like (parts 1 & 2). No obligation to accept of course. Again, nice job!

Tom wrote: "Critique by Tom Olbert of --
"Requiesce in Pace" by Justin

Overall, very good, I thought. The main character may have been a tad too much the stereotypical swaggering general, but the human touche..."

Thanks Tom for the great critique. I struggled for a bit with how long the opening quote was. It does leave the reader wondering how it applies until the end, and the general was a bit too stereotypical, but I intended him to be that way. It was a quick way to give a thumbnail sketch of his character. Great insights and much appreciated!

LOL!!! Too funny!!!

Heather wrote: "I know this is a little undis-ci-plined (sorry just hav'n a larf) of me to say this here, but Justin, when you said of your story that you "had originally thought about cramming Patton in there too..."

Dog-eared copy...in my Kindle app on my Windows phone. :) Winston may not have fit here (too distinguished compared to rough-n-ready Patton or Custer) but he'll turn up again in another story I'm sure.

If you've ever seen the Dos Eques commercials for "The Most Interesting Man in the World" I see Churchill in them. :)

Justin Sewall’s review of “Dry Bones” by Kalifer Deil

The author succinctly sums up the entire backstory in the two opening sentences, immediately setting up the reader for the scientific examination of a potential alien skull. It is masterful in its brevity and with how much framework it sets up using so few words.

In fact, this story is almost all dialogue, with very little descriptive or narrative text in between. Yet it does not need it due to the richness of that dialogue. There are no bloated passages with historical information or character development. The entire story stands completely supported by the dialogue between Charlie and the various scientists he encounters over the course of the story.

Finally, the author deftly opens up the vast plot potential of the story with his closing sentence and resolves the argument that informed most of the previous dialogue.

Excellent work!

Justin Sewall’s review of “A Robot Walks Into A Bar” by Jack McDaniel

This story reminded me the most of the works of Clarke, Asimov and Bradbury during the Golden Age of sci-fi. The conversation between the metal man and Ol’ Sam is so casual, smooth and easy to read, I felt like I was sitting at the bar listening to the two discourse.

The juxtaposition of this robot in a bar, asking questions about Area 51 gives the reader no idea of when it takes place, not that that is necessarily important to the story. And that’s another one of the great things about it, it could really take place at any time, and even in an alternate universe.

The descriptions of the bar instantly and easily transported me to that micro-universe, with all of the clichés that go along with it: the swinging saloon doors, an “establishment girl”, everyone clearing out with the clueless drunk persisting in finishing his whiskey. All that was missing was for the robot to excrete something into a spittoon.

Story pacing is pitch perfect here. It never gets bogged down and moves the reader effortlessly along until the final sentence.

Heather wrote: "CRITIQUE by Heather MacGillivray of "Requiesce in Pace" - a story by Justin Sewall (critique word count: 500 words.)

This story's brilliance is its radical use of Symmetry as literary technique: p..."

Heather,

Your review was very encouraging and much appreciated!

Somehow the symmetry came about without my actively thinking about it. I did not plan it, but ultimately it seemed to balance out and work. I did want to use the scripture to foreshadow/explain what happened when Custer touched the alien skeleton so that when it happened, a reader would instantly know that something really bad was going to happen.

What I value very much is how you dissected and disassembled the various bones of my story and demonstrated how they went together with the “connective tissue” in between. You see more marrow in my story than I do!

Thanks again!

Andy wrote: "Thoughts on Justin’s story:

I like the Ezekiel opening very much, but it does seem too long a set-up for such a short story. What I might suggest is that you cut half of it out, and bracket the en..."

Andy,

Thanks for taking the time to give such an in-depth review of my August entry. I did wrestle with how long my scripture quote was, but ultimately felt I needed all of those verses to foreshadow what was coming at the end. Foretelling the apocalypse was not necessarily on my mind when I wrote this, but I can see from your perspective how that might be a good angle to take.

General Benedict Custer is of course an amalgamation of two notorious American soldiers. I had originally thought about cramming Patton in there too but it felt too forced in doing so. Using Custer though, in my mind, immediately tells you a lot about this General in that perhaps he is arrogant, too self-assured and possibly not too bright compounded by ineptitude. Hence the showing up and not knowing what is going on and his subordinate having to remind him what a bunker-busting bomb is. When I added in the Indian burial ground idea in, I did not even make a connection with Custer (and I’ve even been to the Little Big Horn battlefield!) I’ve never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the shed.

I see your point about the change between ranks and names. I could have alleviated that by perhaps explaining somehow that they were friends and officers of long association that are able to, in the privacy of their interactions with each other alone, drop ranks and simply use names.

There were certainly some other plot holes like the civilians in hazmat suits and the military officers going in without any kind of protection. That could definitely be cleaned up and straightened out a bit. I think I was going with the ambiguity of the situation and then allowing Custer’s gesture to be humanity’s undoing in an event many times worse than the massacre at Little Big Horn.

Thanks again Andy!

Justin Sewall’s review of “Floor of Bones” by John Appius Quill

“Floor of Bones” begins with an almost encyclopedic description of mining operations in the far future. Gravition Crystals stand in for oil, anti-matter, dilithium or spice mélange as the thing being pursued. It beings pulling you in with the description of some company from the past that I still cannot figure out what it is and the tantalizing idea of “The Great Data Loss.”

Then suddenly, dialogue interjects and the reader is moved from a documentary to an action/adventure movie that becomes hard to follow. What I found missing was some type of explanation as to the motivations of Afua and Essie. Why are they there and why does one of their robots get shot and by whom? It was unclear to me even after several readings.

I realize that in short stories like these, the author cannot hold the reader’s hand and explain everything perfectly and even conclude it with every loose end tied up. However, this story makes a reader have to make huge mental leaps to keep up and then ends quietly and leaving you scratching your head as to what just happened and why.

I’m perfectly willing to accept this is a shortcoming of my own ability to comprehend another’s work so I do not wish to appear overly critical of John’s story and I mean no disrespect with my critique. It just left me confused rather than giving me some satisfactory conclusion.

Hello Paula,

Since you did not request any critiques of Dem Bones, I at least wanted to pay you a compliment for your latest story. Again, from my perspective, you manage to write in a very abstract style and create a fascinating narrative.

Sometimes I find your stories hard to follow because they are so abstract, but that is only because I have a reptilian brain and am missing my sphenoid bone. To me, your style is "up there, untethered" while I feel like mine is clunky and more "traditional." I'm sure this comes from much longer writing experience than mine.

In short, I admire your ability to create such abstract stories. Nice work.

Justin Sewall’s review of “The Sling” by Jot Russell

What I enjoyed about this story, and what the author does so well, is make you think you are reading a conversation between human beings. The dialogue and banter between the characters is such that it gives no inkling of what is coming later. Slang, swear words, etc., all convey very human interactions. It even took me a couple readings to realize what the cleverly described symbol was on the alien craft at the end.

Having humans be the aliens is something I also considered but ultimately did not write about, so it was very satisfying to see it pulled off here. Even the description of the skeleton did not necessarily give it away. No, the author manages to get all the way to the end and finally spring the “Aha!” moment on the reader.

One thing I felt could use some improvement was the dialogue in the last section. It felt simplistic and lacked the spirit of the first part. The linguist screamed too much and there was a little grammatical error (“She scream and jumped back.”) that briefly pulled me out of the story. However, the last two sentences really stitch it together and gave a good reveal.

Sounds good. Thanks Heather. I'll critique and if they cry foul I'll delete it.
I just want to follow the new guidelines and respect the author's wishes.

Chris, are you accepting critiques for your story?

Kalifer, are you accepting critiques for your story?

Andy and Heather,

Thanks for the awesome reviews! I appreciate the time you both took to critique my story, and the insights you both provided. I'm a bit pressed for time this evening, but I wanted to at least say thank you! I plan on getting my own reviews and responses up soon.

Jack,

I'm laughing and laughing and laughing.

Are you accepting critiques? I did not see a note either way.

A robot walks into a bar indeed! Ping!

Paula,

Thank you for the ending critique, I really appreciate it!!

If somehow my settings show me as not accepting messages please tell me. It would simply be ignorance on my part on how to set it properly!