Justin’s Comments (group member since Mar 13, 2016)

Justin’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Rejoice wrote: "Justin wrote: "Justin Sewall’s review of “Taken” by Rejoice Denhere

Pierre Duval has a case of nerves before his first orb interplanetary travel experience. The orb, an orange-sized, yellow glowin..."

Very welcome Rejoice. It is tough fitting a story into 750 words. Mine usually start around 1200 to 1300 words then I have to take a hacksaw to them. It does help you to narrow down what is important and what isn't. A lot of what I have to cut is backstory and excessive descriptors.

Justin Sewall’s review of “Taken” by Rejoice Denhere

Pierre Duval has a case of nerves before his first orb interplanetary travel experience. The orb, an orange-sized, yellow glowing device was a holiday present from his friend Tom. Bucking up some courage, he braves his own fear, a full bladder and an annoying security guard to begin his trip. Duval is confused by the apparent lack of personnel throughout the building. Stepping inside the travel booth, he notices another young man. Where he is exactly in relation to Duval is unclear, but the young man also has a travel orb. Suddenly, from somewhere, an unknown assailant begins to strangle the young man as Duval watches in horror from his travel booth. Loosening his own tie in response to the strangling he has just witnessed, Duval is relieved that the young man is not his friend Tom.

Denhere’s story certainly covers all of the required elements for this month’s competition. A generic holiday is the basis for Duval’s gift of the orb from Tom. The orb also provides linguistic translation so travelers can instantly interact with local populations wherever he or she goes. As a device, the orb could be alien but is not clearly defined as such. Ancient tribes who used the orbs for interplanetary travel might also qualify as alien.

Beyond hitting the necessary touch points, I found Denhere’s story difficult to follow. After multiple readings, it was still unclear to me what exactly was going on - besides Duval’s first interplanetary travel courtesy of the orb. Although her writing is highly descriptive, the plot seems to wander with no clear direction, with several dead ends and hanging threads. I understand that not every story will answer every question or tie up every plot point neatly with a red and green Christmas bow.

Denhere focuses on the emptiness of the building, but there is not even an inkling as to why this plot point matters. If this is a travel booth center, it could reasonably be expected to be busy much like an airport. Duval’s early morning arrival might explain why it is uncrowded, but nothing else comes of this detail. The strangulation witnessed by Duval seems to have no purpose beyond making him uncomfortable enough to loosen his own tie and thankful it was not his friend Tom. So then what? Is the young man a mirror image of Duval? A doppelganger from another dimension? Should Duval call security after witnessing a murder?

This story, which begins well with good and vivid descriptions of Duval’s internal state of mind, in my opinion needs much clearer plot direction and should be reworked. Perhaps the words spent detailing the emptiness of the building could better be used to explain why this murder happened before Duval’s eyes. Maybe Duval’s orb is stolen. Maybe it should be Tom, arriving late to see his friend off, who is strangled before a helpless Duval. In this critique, I do not wish to appear as heartlessly tearing down Denhere’s effort and hope that these comments will be taken as an encouragement aimed at provoking excellence.

You bet. It happens to me all the time! And that's exactly the Twilight Zone episode that came to my mind.

Justin Sewall’s review of “Five Words” by Chris

Two scientists make their way across a scorched section of central Kansas towards a crashed alien ship, flanked by special operations soldiers. A message received decades earlier galvanized Earth to unite against a common threat: Earth. Starved. Feast. Consume. You. The aliens arrived, Earth shot first and asked questions later. As the world rejoiced at the alien’s defeat, the two main characters and their escort warily began exploring the wreckage. Broken arachnid bodies seem to confirm the worst about the alien visitors, until the whole message is finally decoded in its entirety. Rather than coming to consume humanity in a hideous feeding frenzy, the X’althophrae, apparently the only other sentient species in the galaxy, had come to share their scientific knowledge and experience. Suspicion and an itchy trigger finger now condemns mankind to solitary confinement among the stars.

“Five Words” is a poignant, Twilight Zone-esque science fiction story that delivers an emotional sucker punch. As soon as I read the five words, I knew something was going to go terribly wrong with mankind’s decision to blast these visitors from beyond. That did not lessen the impact of the story’s ending and made it that much more bittersweet to have my worst fears confirmed about humanity’s actions. An extended olive branch is swatted down and an entire species consigned to extinction.

Chris’ writing is crisp and manages to draw a distinct mental screenplay that provides a sweeping story while at the same time providing conversational intimacy between the two main protagonists. The last word sums up humanity’s loss succinctly though barely begins to scratch the surface of the situation’s magnitude. The author should double check his opening sentence, “…I was supposed to be at a Christmas part today.” In a comment as much to myself as to the author, remember that proofreading can make the difference between good and great. Overall a fantastic story, well executed, one that I thoroughly enjoyed.

You are very welcome John! I haven't watched the Westworld HBO series, but I've seen the original movie and can imagine they are not treated very well at all.

Justin Sewall’s review of “Roland” by John Appius Quill

Roland, an intergalactic diplomat examines the merits of an antique-looking yet technologically advanced gold pocket watch on his way home to Earth. Upon arrival he meets Lux, a towering but benign android friend. Roland gives Lux the watch as a New Year’s/Old Year’s gift to celebrate his first year of sentience. Lux begins carefully exploring the intricacies of the watch, much to Roland’s surprise. Roland is hopeful about how well Lux is developing as a newly sentient being and believes this bodes well for the future of the galaxy.

Quill’s story “Roland” is a quiet and introspective work. It is not the alien apocalypse, or the day after the alien apocalypse. This is a serene afternoon picnic by a gentle pond. It does not open or end with a bang. Indeed, it is like stepping onto a moving sidewalk at the airport. You just step on and let it carry you along at a desultory pace. There is no hurrying here, which in my opinion is a hard feeling to create when you are trying to cram a story into 750 words.

The world Quill creates is simple. It is futuristic without the burden of techno-jargon. Yet Roland’s character never comes quite into crisp focus. There was not quite enough detail about him for me to form a distinct picture in my mind beyond a distinguished looking middle-aged man with much diplomatic experience behind him. I enjoyed his interactions with Lux, who again was not very defined. For some reason I pictured a docile IG-88 assassin droid from the Star Wars universe – albeit without the killer programming. I did enjoy Lux’s child-like wonder at the gift Roland gave him.

One other thing I found unclear was how much Roland understood about the watch. On the one hand he is thinking about all of its characteristics, but on the other is astonished with Lux opens it up and gets it to translate into a different language. This was something Roland was unable to do at the beginning of the story, so this discontinuity bothered me a little. I found the celebration of an android’s first year of sentience an interesting concept.

Then, just like that, the moving sidewalk is over and the reader steps easily out of the story. No jarring cutoff or gotcha. Just the promise of hope in a new life. Good work!

Justin Sewall’s review of “Friends” by Jack McDaniel

A diplomatic and linguistic snafu leads to a strenuous mountain ascent among the Eshuan dead for a human ambassador. McDaniel’s protagonist, referred to only as “she,” most atone for her error by climbing Mt. Eshuan with a bag of unknown contents for what she believes is an encounter with their god Sytl. After summiting, she is approached by a dog-like creature who happily eats the food contained in the bag. It then leads her to a trolley car that will take her back down the mountain.

McDaniel’s story skillfully interweaves the month’s requirements of language, something artificial, something alien and a holiday with a deft subtleness. Rather than reimagining a traditional holiday, he simply makes the mountain ascent a “holiday” by an offhand remark from the ambassador’s artificial A.I. Portia. Language is front and center as the stumbling block here.

The imagery evoked throughout the ambassador’s ascent is crisp and vivid. I pictured Mt. Doom from the Lord of the Rings in my mind, although without the erupting lava. I could feel the ash of the dead in my eyes and mouth, sweat on my own forehead and fatigue in my own muscles as I continued up the mountain with the protagonist. This is gritty realism articulated well.

Although the opening does not immediately tell you what is going on, the physical effort of climbing is relatable and so brings you along into the rest of the plot. The backstory fills out the rest naturally, without feeling awkward for having to go back in time to understand the crux of the issue.

It is with a bit of irony and comic relief that the precious secret cargo carried up the mountain with great effort is simply food for the dog at the summit. After descending and cleaning up, the ambassador is cleansed from dust, dirt and anger, having learned the lesson the Eshuan want her to understand. Reconciliation ensues, wrapping up a splendid sci-fi piece by McDaniel. Nice work!

Oh no. You don't have to aim for 2-D!

I was just saying that, in my opinion, if we compare our two stories, yours has more depth and layers, which gives it a 3-D feel whereas mine is more conventional and 2-D. Mine does not have as much depth as yours since it is a more conventional covering of the Santa Claus story, while you are dealing with black boxes in cellular DNA. This is all purely subjective on my part and I'm not suggesting you try to "flatten" your work at all!

Heather wrote: "RESPONSE TO Justin Sewall's CRITIQUE of "Back Door"
(I've since changed the story's name to "Back Door, Or: Why The Earth Blew Up")
{critique response word count, 500 words.}


THE KEY TAKE-AWAY F..."

Hi Heather!

From your response to my review it is clear you have very defined ideas about what you want your story to convey and where you want it to go. They are very complex and layered ideas and concepts, which can be difficult to express.

I think you did a good job in this story at doing that, it was just "getting through the front door" was a little more difficult for me. It may not have been for other readers. Once I was past that point, the story began to click for me.

As I've said before, your stories and those by some other authors in this forum feel more three-dimensional than my stories, which seem two-dimensional by comparison. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it is just the feeling I get when I read a story like this. Put another way, my story is a flat map of the Earth and your story is a globe. They both show the Earth just fine, but there is certainly a different quality to the presentation. Hopefully that makes sense!

Tom wrote: "Justin wrote: "Justin Sewall’s review of “Eule Tide Greeting” by Tom Olbert

Aliens arrive the same day Earth is plunged into a nuclear Armageddon. Talk about timing. The main protagonist Collin is..."

Very welcome Tom!

Justin Sewall’s review of “Back Door” by Heather MacGillivray

Commander Hermione Slaughterhand digs through the dirt of Earth’s past to find answers to its destruction. Nothing but soil and background radiation seem to remain, providing little evidence for the intrepid mission team to sift through. Ah, but wait! Mitochondrial nano voice-recorder boxes in each tiny cell fragment tell all after run through a battery of sophisticated computers and microscopes. MacGillivray’s latest effort at depicting and explaining other methods of communication is creative, if sometimes difficult to follow.

The story opens with two straightforward enough questions. When verbal language fails, what is the backup and how do some people have cultural memories of places they’ve never experience firsthand. These are fascinating science fiction concepts for exploration and her extremely clever way of building in a “black box” into every cell fragment moves the concept forward in a believable way. A mission to Earth provides the protagonist a fertile field in which to test her theories, ultimately providing a hilarious post-Trump election victory story.

In my opinion I found that the story was somewhat difficult to follow because it begins with a question from the narrator’s point of view, then shifts to Hermione’s internal thought processes, which are then interrupted by her children. A short vignette of Hermione’s domestic life ensues. Then it transitions to a brief explanation about the upcoming mission to Earth, followed by said mission and the post-apocalyptic cellular message in a bottle – or at least the mitochondrial DNA. After multiple readings, the story made more sense to me and I understood its flow. Perhaps more distinct “voices” in the opening two paragraphs would clarify who is speaking. Perhaps my one brain cell was simply overtaxed by a creative opening.

I think if the second sentence said something like: “It was this very issue that fed the burning question in Hermione's mind and she mulled it over repeatedly: "When verbal language fails, what's the full range of backups?"

Followed by a transition like:

Her children, frustrated by the sudden lengthy pause in the middle of their bedtime story, dragged her reluctantly out of the deep well of thought by vociferous protests.

It is possible my recommendations would only make the story more “clunky,” but it would help differentiate the speakers better.

Those issues aside, the story is very rich science fiction with a dash of political satire thrown in for spice. Thankfully this provides a good laugh and does not devolve into a lengthy criticism of the recent US election to the detriment of the main sci-fi elements. The holiday is so subtle that it did not dawn on me until the end that the family trip was the holiday. As my in-laws are Canadian, I remembered that they often went “on-holiday” or what we call in the U.S. as simply taking some time off from work.

Overall this is another piece of great work by MacGillivray that I thoroughly enjoyed.

P.S. – I refer to author’s in all my reviews by their last names because I tend to write in Associated Press style, which is a requirement for internal communications work at Boeing. It is not meant to be disrespectful in any way.

Justin Sewall’s review of “Eule Tide Greeting” by Tom Olbert

Aliens arrive the same day Earth is plunged into a nuclear Armageddon. Talk about timing. The main protagonist Collin is on a voluntary one way trip to confront the intruder in orbit. His family obliterated by the nuclear firestorm, he has nothing to lose as he encounters a cold and calculating artificial intelligence. Despite its technological superiority and vast knowledge spanning the galaxy and possibly beyond, it cannot understand the concepts of Christmas, life, death, sin, the soul, eternal life and God.

The beginning and middle of this story reminded me of Captain Kirk’s encounter with V’ger in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. The machine cannot accept that which it is unable to detect or measure. Man’s ability to go beyond pure machine logic was the key to its evolution. In Obert’s story, the alien AI probes Collin’s thoughts looking for answers. Ultimately it does not understand and resorts to more drastic measures.

I felt the ending was similar to the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, with an aged David Bowman staring up at the monolith at the end of his bed and then the image of a baby appearing amongst the stars. What I mean is that the ending is somewhat difficult to understand. It appears Collin merges with all of humanity in death and then life with God while the alien becomes pure energy and transforms the Earth into a star that sets out across the universe. Heady concepts and ideas here.

I refer to the two movies as an explanation on how I related and understood Olbert’s story. Whether I correctly interpreted what he was aiming for I’m not sure. Dealing with spiritual matters in a sci-fi story is challenging and should, in my opinion, be handled very carefully – which Olbert does. His story lays out Christian themes succinctly and perhaps could be a metaphor for explaining these concepts to someone who sees them as something completely alien.

The story is stark, vivid, emotional, intriguing and challenging on multiple levels. Well done.

Yes Jot, that is the competition I've mentioned earlier in this thread. I have a feeling they are going to be swamped with entries!

Excellent!

Heather wrote: "No, that's exactly what I want to do: poke holes in the idea where holes can be poked so I can see which 'ports' might be secure enough for me to use. It's a drilling down thing.

I'll check out t..."

When you finish, I would like to read it if you're willing to share.

HMM, I was just using my initials to be quick.

JSS

Not sure about mind control or thought projection. I think the movie "Men who Stared at Goats" addressed that issue. I don't want to poke holes in your idea before you get started however.

Psychological warfare is certainly a valid avenue to pursue!

Heather wrote: "Justin wrote,

"...You could try to research this to death but this is where creativity will also play a big role."

What I like about the military s/f story competition, which is different to this..."

It will certainly be a balance between the future-possible - like armored suits for infantry for example, versus the impossible, such as teleportation.

C. wrote: "Justin,

Thank you very much for your thorough and very complimentary review of my story, "Zample Time." It was much appreciated.

I'm glad my story gave you a hearty laugh. I wrote it about a mont..."

C,

Of course you are very welcome! Writing reviews/critiques is very helpful for me, since it forces me to really try and dissect the styles and methods of the other authors here. Hopefully we're all learning as we go along-and I think we are.

Best,

JSS

Justin Sewall’s review of “Zample Time” by C. Lloyd Preville

The galaxy’s premier human negotiator Davis Kelly Cole is the star of his own popular reality show. With chants and cheers heard only by him, he conducts his business under a microscope viewed by billions. C. Lloyd Preville’s “Zample Time” sets up an easily accessible and believable universe with great dialogue and plot twists. Who knew Santa Claus could be so terrifying?

Despite taking place in the far future, the story’s reality show backdrop is instantly relatable to today’s reader while the protagonist is easygoing and likeable. Never arrogant, he conducts his negotiations with cool aplomb. His hair and teeth are probably perfect too. Preville skillfully interweaves the month’s themes throughout the story and without beating the reader over the head to make his point.

Explanation and exposition are minimal, allowing the dialogue to carry the story forward. Just enough details are given to make the conclusion entertaining and give the reader a hearty laugh when a holiday icon is turned into a weapon of terror and coercion. “Zample Time” is an outstanding example of dialogue and plot expertly balanced and executed.

SDI is so 1980's. :)