Justin’s Comments (group member since Mar 13, 2016)

Justin’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Justin Sewall’s review of “Temporal Shift” by Jot Russell

In an attempt to stop terrorism, a temporal soldier goes back in time to kill Muhammad and prevent the rise of Islam. His partner witnesses the end results, which permits the continuation of Rome into the nuclear age and ultimately a nuclear apocalypse. A confrontation ensues which restores the timeline but ultimately allows the tragedy of September 11 to occur.

Russell’s story challenges the reader with a classic “what if” scenario and the consequences of attempting to change the flow of time. What if Hitler had been assassinated in 1938? What if the Titanic had not sunk or the Hindenburg not exploded? Some of these questions have greater weight than others with people’s lives hanging in the balance. By preventing the rise of Islam, Rome never falls, the United States never comes to be, yet the world ends in a nuclear fire 50 years of mutual assured destruction ultimately prevented (at least for now.)

During World War II, the British code-breakers at Bletchley Park cracked the German’s Enigma code. As a result, they often knew exactly where and when a bombing or other attack would take place on land and at sea. If the British had reacted to every Enigma message, the Germans would have begun to suspect their codes were broken and changed them more frequently. So for the greater good of the overall war effort many pieces of information were not acted upon, allowing death and destruction to be inflicted on England.

Russell’s story is instructive in much the same way. The antagonist believes the solution to every problem is within their grasp by changing the timeline. The protagonist later works to prevent the creation of the time suits and avert such catastrophic results.

The story has great pacing and integrates the month’s theme well. Russell’s description of the protagonist watching time reverse was very creative, including the trees receding into the soil, the sun and stars sweeping through the sky backwards and sudden appearance of a city out of the ashes. I found a missing “of” that pulled me for a nano-second out of the story’s flow, and a couple of phrases seemed awkward to me: “A nerve struck like a stone on my brow” for example.

Overall this is a clever and creative story with rich imagery that I enjoyed very much.

Review to follow shortly!

And a very interesting story it is!

You bet!

Justin Sewall’s review of “Birth of a Legend” written by Tom Olbert

Greek mythology is turned on its head when a mutated murderer emerges in presumably ancient Greece to wreak havoc while the hero swoops in on a futuristic winged horse. Tom Olbert’s time travel story starts mid-action and dares you to hang on, literally, as villains and heroes leap into temporal vortices.

The opening scenes in a temporal lab are not bogged down by the tech-talk. Indeed the engineers hurry everything along as timelines and evolution dangerously mutate, producing a deadly chimera that must be stopped.

As I read and reread this story to see if I could make any recommendations or pick at any nits, I found I really could not. The dialogue moves the story forward as swiftly as the winged horse carries Belero from wormhole to wormhole. The use of Greek mythology is very clever and creative, with the final two sentences showing the reader the impacts upon history.

This story is tightly written, well balanced, fires on all cylinders, engages the reader and creates a dynamic mental picture that, in my opinion, would translate well to television or cinema.

Nicely done!

Tom wrote: "Critique by Tom Olbert of --
"Loophole" by Justin Sewall

This story opens with a beautifully atmospheric and visceral description by a POV character. A dark late-night walk down a neon-lit street..."

Thanks for the review Tom, I do appreciate it! With the word count getting short at the end I was struggling with a good way to wrap up the story neatly. So I agree that the perspective change was a bit jarring at the end. I appreciate your perspective on the story!

Very welcome! I just reread your opening tweaks. They make it much clearer and helps keep the point of view from flip-flopping. Nicely done.

Justin Sewall’s review of A Relative’s Time by Chris

A lighthearted and fun tale set in the vein of the sci-fi giants Asimov and Clarke, the story’s protagonist finds an out of the way store to fix a watch he has inherited. Of course the watch turns out to be a time machine, with the bewildered owner literally watching the past and future flash before his eyes as the store’s proprietor works to fix the device.

The conversation between the two characters is realistic and just feels right. This story has a reassuring feel and familiarity like a favorite piece of clothing. Time travel is depicted as matter-of-fact, at least from the proprietor’s perspective and he sends the protagonist happily on his way for a mere $40 to repair the priceless artifact.

Adding a hint of whimsy and mystery without menace, the store disappears before the protagonist can ask any further questions and leaving the reader to ponder what just happened. The story is well constructed, has good pacing and immediately draws you in with descriptive flairs that sharply develop the “movie” in the reader’s mind’s eye.

Justin Sewall’s review of First Contact by C. Lloyd Preville

An early morning call. Flashing lights. McDonald’s french fries. And dinosaurs. Preville’s time travelling first contact story struck me as reminiscent of “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” (the original 1951 version) when Gort emerges from the flying saucer before awestruck and terrified humans. Yet instead of a towering robot, a Jimmy Buffett-esque character appears complete with beach attire.

The opening of the story moves briskly, and deftly moves you through a typical first contact scenario: a specialist woken at a late hour, flashing lights and police cordons, a trip on an “agency” jet, even “I come in peace,” spoken somewhat in jest. I say typical first contact scenario because these are all familiar elements in many sci-fi stories and movies involving first contact between humans and aliens. And there is nothing wrong with using these elements because they are a shorthand that enables to reader to quickly understand the story, and the author to just as quickly get to the crux of the matter.

I did find the point of view confusing in the opening two sentences. It feels like the first sentence “The phone rang at 1:07 a.m. – that’s never good,” should be spoken by the main character. Then the second sentence switches to the narrator’s voice, “Pauley Renner rushed through his shower and met the agent out front.” In my opinion, it would have been a stronger opening if it went something like this:

My phone rang at 1:07 a.m. – and I’d been on enough assignments to know that’s never good. After overcoming my initial disbelief, I quickly showered and met the agent assigned to retrieve me.

I reviewed the reports on the drive to Dulles: unusual weather, 911 calls, etc… I mulled all of these facts over but two questions burned in my mind: what was causing the flashing lights and gravitational anomalies?

I felt the perspective was just a bit off, which was jarring and kept me from immersing myself in the story at the beginning. The conversation between Pauley and the avatar John is interesting and at that point begins to reel you in to the plot. Pauley is rightly cautious about John’s motives. He is highly advanced after all. Since he is evolved from dinosaurs, I would not be surprised if this conniving representative was a descendent of the highly intelligent Velociraptor. The story’s final twist is not telegraphed in advance, leading to a satisfying conclusion of this excellent time travelling tale.

Good story Chris! Nicely done! We must beware of those run down, out of the way businesses. Nothing good ever comes from them!

Justin Sewall’s review of "The Coruscate Exhaustion Of The Scapegoat IN ANIMAL TIME, Or: An Illustration Of How Spectacular-Change Must Wait Till Every Scapegoat Admits To Being Exhausted" written by Heather MacGillivray

A technician and a historian get more than they bargained for during a test run of a used time machine. In a “Planet of the Apes”-like twist, they find the future ruled by animals and themselves, ironically, scapegoats for the rest of humanity’s earlier treatment of all animal-kind.

The story has a whimsical and breezy feeling to it. There is no solid foundation for the main characters to rest or depend on. The malfunctioning time machine zips uncontrollably through time, much like Doctor Who’s TARDIS, and ultimately dissolves into a puddle of goo. Clean up on aisle five please. The month’s theme is naturally and easily interwoven throughout the tale.

I had difficulty sympathizing with the two characters, a shortcoming imposed perhaps more by the story’s required length than the author’s pen (or keyboard.) Is the story a moralistic warning about the treatment of animals or pure satire? I’m unsure. However I was impressed with the breadth of the story. Tenth century history was touched on, animal rights, consumerism, the environment – I kept waiting for the kitchen sink.

Moving along at a brisk pace, the story never dwells too long on one theme or action, finally collapsing in an exhausted heap under the paws of curious animals. I enjoyed this story for its uniqueness and creativity.

That I do not know, but there's certainly no harm in getting your story out early.

Yes, Jot is the only one who can pop conversation threads to the top of the list.

Loophole

I sat in my barren apartment. A threadbare recliner bore the burden of my weight and melancholy as I listened to the clock’s ticking and swirled the last of my scotch. The hour was late, and I was tired. But I needed to clear my head. So I grabbed my keys, staggered down the stairs and stepped out under the harsh glare of the street lights. I shuffled down the dirty sidewalk, hands thrust deeply into my coat pockets and assiduously avoided eye contact with everyone.

Arriving, I glanced around at the flashing signs that bounded Times Square. It gave this seedy part of town a carnival atmosphere as each vendor hawked the promise of an “experience to remember!” I passed each one in turn; Chronowerks LLC, Time Tunnel, Back to the Future (in litigation for copyright infringement), Memory Lane, The Past that You Forgot and of course the ever popular You Redux. What was I doing here? I hesitated. I had never been decisive, and it had cost me: jobs, my wife, my kids, success - everything. Well, I was going to change that.

I drifted into Chronowerks and was greeted by a chipper time technician. I wanted to punch him in his perfect teeth.

“So when I go back in time, the conservation of mass through time duality trans-positional split swaps the position of my former self and present self?”

“Precisely!”

“What happens to my past self?”

“For your own safety we keep you sedated in one of our special ‘waiting rooms.’ We don’t want your past self mucking around in your current time line. It causes far too many problems in the space/time continuum.”

“But what about the classic time paradox where I go back in time before I existed and kill my grandfather? Won’t I cease to exist?”

“You’re overthinking the matter my good man. Now do you want to go back in time or not?”

I wanted to correct the mistakes in my life, but every chroneticist told me it was impossible. The infernal time machines seemed to taunt me with their gleaming chrome and flashing lights.

What good was time travel if you couldn’t change your past? Time tourism was worthless to me.

“I need more time to think it over.”

“Of course, of course,” the time tech said good naturedly. “We’re all about time here.”

I left more frustrated than when I’d gone in. I was about to go home again when I looked up and saw a man beckoning me over from a rundown store front with a small neon sign proclaiming in bright blue letters: “Do-overs R-Us.” Underneath was a hand painted sign that read: Don’t make the same mistakes twice! Beat time and remake your life!

“So what’s the catch?” I asked him pointedly.

“Oh there’s no catch. You can change anything in your past you want.”

“But if I go back in time, my past and current selves swap places to conserve mass through the space/time continuum. I’d just be stuck there, older and wiser perhaps, but out of place.”

“Ah…” said the proprietor, rubbing his hands together. “Your body is just the vehicle to transport your mind.”

“Well then how do I go back?”

“We put your mind in a different body.”

“But, but, mind transference is illegal,” I stammered.

“Yes, between people. We transfer your mind to an android body, which goes back in time. You make the changes you want to make, and voila!”

“How do you conserve the android’s mass through time?”

“We have the exact temporal coordinates for a boulder in the middle of the Nevada desert that matches the mass of the android. We bring it forward and it sits here until you’re ready to come back.”

I began pondering my options, then stopped. I was going to be decisive. Now!

“How much?”

“Three thousand. All in advance.”

“Done!” I forked over my credit card. I still had enough left on it. Barely.

The mind transference went smoothly and after a few minutes practicing with my new android body I was ready to go. Finally! I was going to remake my life! I knew every change I wanted to make. I stepped into the gleaming chrome machine and waited for the procedure to begin.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the Nevada desert…

“Okay Harry, we need this whole site leveled. Start by dynamiting that large boulder right there for the road to go through.”

“You got it boss. Fire in the hole!!”

(750 words in story) Justin Sewall © 2016

This election was rigged, rigged I tell you!!! I demand a recount!! There were hanging chads!!! Dead people voted!!!

Oh wait, wrong vote!

Congratulations Chris! Great story and nicely done!!!

To everyone who reviewed my story, thank you! I'm just sorry I was unable to get any reviews in myself. I thought all of the stories this month were very enjoyable and creative. Reading your creations is a real pleasure and privilege!

I'm fine with that Heather. :)

The modern Aussie accent piece was hilarious!!!!! LOVED IT!

And the accent. :)

Thanks Heather for reading the longer version! And I agree with you that the shorter version flows better, etc., and better incorporates the elements you already commented about. The shorter format really forces us to get to the real story without all the excess baggage of exposition and excessive descriptions.

Cheers!

LOL! Funny! We had a guy here in Everett who used to be the director of the 787 Preflight & Delivery team. He was from Australia and everyone always gave him a hard time about his accent. To make matters even funnier, he was a very short guy. So it was always height and accent jokes for him.

For the record, I think all of the Commonwealth accents are great to listen to!

Tom wrote: "Critique by Tom Olbert of --
"No Damsel in Distress" by Justin

This story was an enjoyable satire of a familiar military space hero-saves-princess sci-fi format in the tradition of Star Trek and S..."

Tom,

I appreciate the great feedback! I agree the dichotomy between the two could have been highlighted more if my main character had been more chauvinistic. Indeed, his attitude was that prior to meeting the Princess Prime Minister, but her voice, demeanor, etc., won him over and won his heart.

What I would extrapolate from the females of this species, especially the leader, is that the vocal harmonics they use when speaking effect parts of the brain to induce a more favorable response. Which is why our good man Miles wanted nothing more than to carry out her orders. I did not really have space to include that, not even in my longer edition which I've posted for comparison.

Thanks again for taking the time to critique my work!