Justin’s Comments (group member since Mar 13, 2016)

Justin’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

LOL, that's awesome!

I'm voting FOR a dedicated critique thread with the following attributes (please feel free to disagree or not use):

1) It CAN be for a story submitted that month or a previous month - since it is a dedicated thread, it can be ignored by anyone who does not want spoilers or to be swayed by reviews until AFTER the voting is complete (I prefer to review right after I've read a story for the first time and strike while the mental iron is hot)

2) Everyone who submits a competitive entry commits to submitting at least one detailed review of a story of their choice. My thinking is, if everyone only picks one story to review, many authors could be waiting a long time to get some feedback. If you see that one story has garnered multiple reviews, then perhaps you pick a different one but you aren't required to. CLP's review template is a good place to start for creating a critique that is concise and conveys concrete details for the author (I need more c words here, obviously).

3) Short compliments remain in the comments thread like Dorthe suggests.

Just my thoughts. Thanks for considering.

C.,

Thank you very much for the detailed and thoughtful review of my bonus story. It was great to understand what you liked, hear that I did something well, and I also thought your suggestion would be a perfect addition to a longer story.

Being new, I don't want to come in and suggest a bunch of changes to a group that has, from what I can tell, functioned relatively well for some time now. However, for what it's worth I'll toss my two cents in.

How about three threads: Competition, Comments, and Critiques.

Competition: for competitive story submissions only - this keeps it clean.

Comments: for bonus stories and casual conversation - extra work can be posted here, and comments about writing in general, the weather or whatever.

Critiques: for reviews as in depth or superficial as a person is willing and able to submit.

CLP's detailed review of my bonus work was exactly the kind of feedback I like to receive, even if he had said he hated it (I'm glad he didn't!).

I also know that not everyone has the time, interest or ability to write a detailed critique of each and every piece. So if someone wanted to post just a few sentences about what they liked, or how it made them feel, that's fine. Or an author could specifically ask for a review. But the Critique thread would be there for those reviews, and they could be avoided until after the judging.

Whatever the group ultimately decides, I'm happy to follow the guidelines. I am enjoying the monthly writing challenges posted here and it is helping me learn to really be decisive with my storylines and words.

Karl wrote: "Justin, I liked your bonus story, but on a casual read I didn't really get what was happening. I had to reread it more carefully a second time to figure out what was going on. I think you should es..."

Thanks Karl! I intentionally wrote it that way. I want to drop you into the story "already in progress" and then make you find some mental handholds to grab. I do understand it can be a bit harder to engage with for those less exposed to or immersed in military techo-jargon and protocols.

I begin leading you along a path that might make you believe they are on a nuclear powered submarine, and in a sense they are, hence the title: Sub Terra. Then as it goes on you learn they are actually burrowing through the earth. I do borrow heavily from the submarine world. Then I worked in my last name as a defense line acronym.

Thanks for the great feedback!

C. wrote: "Justin, I agree with Carl. You're a talented writer and I liked the novelty of your 'bonus' story as well. Perhaps you should save it away for a future contest. That's what I do when I am inspired ..."

C., I can definitely agree with this. I want to give feedback where and when it is agreed upon and only if it is wanted. Good option.

Non-competitive bonus story for July (conforms to posted July criteria):

SUB TERRA

“Captain Hogarth?”

The comms specialist suddenly materialized at the right arm of the captain’s chair on the cramped and dimly lit bridge.

“What is it Ears?”

“Message came through on the VLF array sir. Your eyes only.”

“Understood. Thank you Charlie. Carry on.”

“Sir.”

The captain looked down at the code indented into the impact paper. It meant nothing until he placed it under the cypher he kept locked in his stateroom safe.

“Silver Bullet!”

Commander Silverstein whipped around from his watch station behind the two helmsmen.

“Yes Hogs?”

“You have the bridge. Eyes only comm,” he waved the flimsy for emphasis.

“Affirmative Skipper, I have the bridge.”

As Commander Silverstein took the center seat, the Chief of the Boat rotated into his.

Captain Hogarth walked briskly down the narrow corridor to his stateroom, ducking under coolant pipes and conduit piping the entire time.

“Make a hole!” he bellowed, then chuckled at the irony. A dozen ratings scurried out of his way and did their best to press themselves against various bulkheads.

Reaching his stateroom, Hogarth pulled a brass key from his pocket and opened the small safe where the cypher book and other classified materials were kept. He eyed the even smaller compartment at the back of the safe. Was this it?

Tossing the cypher book onto his small desk, he slid the flimsy into a red plastic page and turned on the special desk lamp. He read quickly.

*FLASH TRAFFIC – FLASH TRAFFIC – FLASH TRAFFIC*
To: Cptn J. Hogarth / USS Mercury
From: COMSUBLANT
Msg: Soviets penetrated SEWALL. *BREAK*
New Sub-Denver nuked. *BREAK*
Proceed at flank speed to war station OBSIDIAN. *BREAK*
Conduct PERMANENT VACATION protocol on New Sub-Moscow. *BREAK*
All other priorities rescinded. *BREAK*
Godspeed.
*END TRANS*

Hogarth slouched in his chair and braced his eyes with both hands. Jennifer and the kids had just evacuated from Old Sub-Houston to New Sub-Denver three weeks ago. He lifted the growler out of its cradle.

“Bridge.”

“Silverstein get down here on the double.”

“Aye Skipper.”

Hogarth flicked another switch and held the growler to his ear with his shoulder while digging for two shot glasses.

“Engine room. Yes Captain?”

“Gears, can we go to 125 percent on the reactor?”

“I wouldn’t recommend it sir. The portside buckets took some damage after that last crazy Ivan burned us.”

“I’ll take it under advisement. Go to 125 percent immediately.”

“Yes sir.” Hogarth could almost feel the vibrations increase through deck plates.

A sharp rap on the door preceded Commander Silverstein’s entrance into Hogarth’s stateroom.

The Captain handed his Executive Officer a finger of whiskey.

“What’s the occasion Hogs?”

“The Russkies burned New Sub-Denver.”

“Not possible. None of their ships have ever penetrated the Seismic Early Warning and Listening Line.” Hogarth showed him the cypher.

“Jeez Jack, I’m so sorry.”

“We’ll get our payback.”

Silverstein finished reading the cypher and nodded solemnly.

Hogarth hit another button on his desk, sounding a digital boson’s whistle and activating the Mercury’s PA system.

“This the Captain. Set Condition One throughout the ship. I repeat, set Condition One throughout the ship. Our orders are to conduct PERMANENT VACATION protocol on New Sub-Moscow. That is all.”

Outside, Mercury’s massive drill head began to turn even faster as the ship dove for the Asthenosphere.

***

They finally reached war station OBSIDIAN, but had taken heavy damage from two Soviet attack drills. As a result, the reactor core was beginning to overheat. So far it was manageable and Hogarth was determined to launch his missiles.

“Ears this is the bridge, report all contacts.”

“Affirmative Captain. Ground penetrating radar is clear at this time.”

“Excellent. Helm, up 15 degrees on the drill head, then level off after 500 meters. Maintain flank speed.”

“Aye Captain. Helm answering up 15 degrees on the drill head, maintaining flank speed.”

“Commander Silverstein do you have your launch key and do you concur with our orders?”

“Yes Captain. I have my launch key and I concur with our orders.”

“Bridge this is Ears. GPR is detecting something off our starboard side…possibly moving behind us.”

“Understood Ears. Keep us posted. Commander Silverstein insert your launch key and prepare to turn on my command.”

The two men flipped up the clear plastic covers over the two key holes and inserted their keys.

“Bridge! Contact! Contact! Two Javelin class attack drills bearing directly astern. They’ve launched six torpedo screws and are actively pinging!”

Hogarth looked at Silverstein, who simply nodded and smiled grimly.

“Execute, execute, execute.”

(749 words in story) Justin Sewall © 2016

Extra stories deleted from competition thread.

The forum has my sincere apologies. I've gone back and reread the rules for clarification.

I will withhold all comments and critiques until after the voting is complete, nor will I add any extra, non-competitive stories to the competition thread.

My offer to provide copies of my sci-fi novellas to the winner (if he or she is interested) still stands.

Again, I'm sorry for blundering around the forum like a bull in a china shop.

LOL! Funny!

I can see it now, a community called: "Event Horizons"

Story is live.

Opposite, inverse, misunderstood

The apocalypse had been swift, utterly obliterating City Above. Now all that remained was City Below and memories of cataclysm fading to legend.

Yet the roots of City Below ran deep. With massive, core heat driven turbines, power was virtually unlimited. However, the knowledge to maintain it was not. Computer records devolved to written instructions, then to oral tradition, thus much of what was needed to run City Below became lost.

So it came to pass one day when Tobias Fen was on duty, the unexpected happened. Usually his job was simple: watch the dials on Panel One and report any anomalous readings. On this Monwedsday, he quietly repeated a simple technical rhyme for his daily routine.

“Panel One is where my work is done. When the dial is green, there’s no need to scream. If the gauge is yellow, you may need to bellow. A dial of red is a thing to dread. On Panel Two there’s nothing to do.”

Scanning the dials, he noted with satisfaction that all of them were nicely in the green – except Dial Four. It waffled between the border of green and yellow, steadfastly refusing to settle down on either side.

“Oh c’mon now,” he cajoled. “Don’t give poor Fen any trouble today.” He gave Dial Four a good whack and it stabilized in the green. “There now, all better…” Suddenly a bright green flash caught his attention, causing his heart to leap up into his throat. On Panel Two, a dusty green light was now illuminated.

“What the?”

But before he could even begin his full technical recitation, or carefully check the moldering set of written instructions in the tattered binder hanging beneath Panel One, the communications panel sprang to life. His heart raced. What was he going to do? Oh he was going to get it for sure now, maybe even sent on vacation.

“Transfer Station 21 this is Operations Control, Panel One status check.”

“Uh, Panel One all dials nominal.”

“Panel Two status check.”

Fen paused. He knew if he lied, he would definitely be sent on vacation.

“Ah…um…Panel Two…one green light illuminated.”

“What? Repeat Panel Two status please.”

“Panel Two, one green light illuminated.”

“That’s impossible, Panel Two has been dark for 30 years. Who is this? What’s your operating number?”

“Tobias Fen, Operator ID 1138.”

“Where’s Operator Marcus?”

“He…uh….he was sent on vacation. I’m the backup.”

“Oh…I see…You’re sure Panel Two is showing one green light illuminated?”

“Yes Control, I have visual confirmation that Panel Two is showing one green light illuminated. I’m the backup, but I’m not stupid.”

“Is it flashing?”

“No. Illumination is constant.”

“Standby.”

“Standing by.”

“We’re sending a wizard out to inspect it.”

“Suit yourself.”

“And for heaven’s sake don’t touch it.

“Well of course I won’t touch it! Transfer Station 21 out.” And with that, Tobias Fen slammed the comms circuit shut.

***

The wizard was an ancient man, seated in a wheelchair that looked even older. Pushing him was a man in a black suit and prominently displayed sidearm. Fen knew his type: a travel agent. They helped people go on vacation. He shuddered ever so slightly. It must be serious if they sent a travel agent.

“I’m the wizard,” the old man wheezed.

“And I am Tobias Fen, Operator ID…”

“Is this the light?”

“Yes sir.”

“And you did nothing to the panel?”

“No sir. I never touched it.”

The wizard's head drooped and he seemed to be quietly mouthing a technical recitation.

“Wheel me closer,” he demanded. The travel agent pushed him up to Panel Two.

Taking an old cloth from his pocket, the wizard licked it and proceeded to wipe down Panel Two. After removing decades of dust, a small video panel appeared. Fen had seen broken ones of course, but this one looked intact. Then the old man did the unthinkable: he pressed the illuminated button.

The small monitor flared to life in a flash of color. Fen could see flashing text – MESSAGE WAITING. Pressing the button again, the wizard slouched back in his chair. A crackling and popping sound issued from Panel Two.

“Congratulations!” Fen heard a voice say.

“You’ve won an all-expenses paid vacation to Hawaii! Don’t miss this opportunity to take the vacation of a lifetime. Call now!”

Laughing with a rattling wheeze, the wizard hit the button one last time and the green illumination fell dark.

“Problem fixed,” he said.

But Tobias Fen had fainted dead away, his face frozen in a mask of fear.

(750 words in story) Justin Sewall © 2016

The left hand does not know what the right hand is doing...although it is beginning to suspect...

Sorry, I couldn't resist throwing that out there. It was a stereotypical cliché of me to revisit tropes.

I'm glad people enjoyed the challenge of alternative history. As others have said, sometimes the impact of the story was lessened not due to any fault of the writer, but of the reader's unfamiliarity of that historical period.

I had not foreseen that consequence, though perhaps in an alternative timeline I might have.

Jon, I also like the Man in the High Castle and Harry Turtledove's alternative world that basically goes from the end of the Civil War through the end of WWII with the Confederacy still extant. Your take on Christ having regrets at not fulfilling his destiny was very thoughtful, well written, and done in a way that was respectful yet a challenging what if.

I am waiting with great anticipation to see the results of the July challenge. I have a few phrases sketched out for something that came to my mind out of the blue, yet I begin to second guess myself that my ideas are all too familiar...wait for it...tropes!

I concur. I enjoy seeing that I got a few votes, regardless of final outcome.

Piling on here Jack, great story. Having just watched "Bridge of Spies" and remembering how the Soviet Union was so feared at that time in history, this alternate history does not seem so far-fetched. Nice work!

As this month's winner, I'm happy to send you copies of my two sci-fi novellas if you'd like. Either way just let me know.

Oh sorry, I should have read the article you linked rather than repeat it's main point!

Well, I do know that Churchill was a big proponent during and after WWII of a "United States of Europe." Whether the current EU would meet his expectations I don't know.

What I do know from reading about him, and from his own writings, is that he was a decisive man of action and much foresight that most people discounted and discredited. While the government dithered, he railed against Nazism and Britain's weak defenses during the 1930's. He always wanted to be moving, and if it was the wrong direction, he would correct it.

The man had his faults to be sure, and I probably sound like I'm putting him up on a pedestal to worship. But when I view the caliber of politicians that will be on my ballot this fall, they fall so short, and pale so much in comparison that I am deeply concerned about the direction of the U.S. Full disclosure: I have almost always voted Republican, however in the last election and in the one ahead, I will be voting for a third party Libertarian candidate.

Hi Paula and Richard,

I'm wrestling with your request only because I was trying to give something a little extra to this month's winner.

However, if anyone in this group is interested in reading my whopping two self-published novellas, I'm happy to gift it to them via Amazon for those stateside or a PDF for the rest of the world. I'll just need an email address.

I would just ask anyone who reads them to publish a review on Goodreads and/or Amazon or other social media. Constructive criticism is appreciated.

Kalifer wrote: "What a struggle to get mine to 750 word limit. I think you all will enjoy "Montezuma Remix" I certainly enjoyed writing it. It plays into one of my pet fantasies of going back in history and foilin..."

A great read Kalifer! I got a good laugh (perhaps inappropriately so) when the poor solider was blown to tiny bits. I also had a hard time scaling my story back. I wanted to add so many details about Churchill, etc. I think I was over 1,000 words and I had to keep chopping and chopping and chopping...but, it does make you keep it sharp and lean. Good work!