Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

Robert wrote: "What about this:"

It's better, but still a bit vague for me. I still don't know what this "globe" is. Earth? A planet like earth? I don't get a sense of what year it is, if it is earth. Maybe the average reader will be okay with this. I'm always curious about the setting of a story and knowing it's set on a "globe" doesn't tell me much.

That said, I don't know what society was, is, what Xavier wants it to be, or what this "dark" army wants. I can't think of any society in this world that doesn't have some darkness behind it. In the end, we don't really know what Xavier is really up against or how serious his choice is.

Henry wrote: "Self-promotions and a link... "

No self-promotions, no links. Thanks.

Well, the main problem I'm seeing is there's not much to connect to here.

A virus... Suffering... Rebuilding…

It seems to be popular to start blurbs with this... pausing... halting... broken... frag... ments... of ... whatever. Maybe I'm in a minority, but I don't get it. I want to be hit with something solid right away. Three words that may or may not be connected to anything doesn't really appeal to me.

It’s been over two years since the Almawt virus claimed its last victim. Known society has collapsed. The memory of how easy life used to be still lingers. While some go it alone, some choose to band together.

If the opening line didn't drive me away, this would. I can't connect to anything here. I don't know what the Almawt virus is or how it caused a society to collapse. I don't know what society we're talking about. In the same way, I don't know what this society called an "easy life" nor do I know what happened to it. Some go it alone, others band together... for what?

With the initial horrors of the virus and subsequent violence of a crumbling world behind him, Xavier thought that the worst was over, but with the arrival of more sophisticated attacks against his home, he realizes that couldn’t be further from the truth.

I know nothing about Xavier. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to care about him or not. What violence? What world? Attacks from what or whom?

The Second Alliance is working to consolidate the remaining population under its own vision of how the world will be reshaped. When Xavier finds himself immersed within the beginnings of this secret war in the region, he must make the choice—submit or fight!

I could address this paragraph like those above, but I think you get the point by now. You're making a mistake I'm seeing quite often anymore here. You have a book written. You know the story. You assume everyone that picks it up will automatically be familiar with your story, yet we aren't. Give us something solid. All I really get is some vague idea of a world fallen apart thanks to some kind of virus and there's a secret war coming - which begs the question - how do you keep a war a secret?

The first paragraph comes across as if you're out of breath. Not sure why it's broken up into fragments like that.

The next two paragraphs could use some tooling, but they're okay. Then we get, "He meets Hazel at the local bar." This is the third paragraph. Thud. Feels like there should be a bit more to it. They meet and... what? She wasn't planning on meeting a man, now she is. Why? What changed?

The next morning, when she wakes up in his bed, half-naked, hungover, and without any memories of what happened the night before, Justice is being accused of assaulting his soon-to-be ex-wife. He has no choice but to ask Hazel for help.

VERY problematic. I read it as he raped Hazel, then asked her help in clearing his name in an assault case. Wow. I'm sure that's not what you mean, but that's how it reads. Also... maybe a tiny hint as to why he has "no choice" but to ask Hazel or how she can help? At this point all we know is that they met in bar. It's not clear if she's the half-naked hungover one or if that's the ex-wife. Very muddy.

When the questionable photo of Justice and Hazel surfaces on the internet, the press and fans pick up the news. Now the two very unlikely friends, depicted as the star-crossed lovers, are forced to play along to keep up with the lie they created.

I thought this guy was some kind of deviant, controversial rock star. Why is it questionable that he'd be with a woman? Why is that news? Why are they "unlikely" friends? What lie? I'm lost. They met in a bar and maybe had sex. *shrug*

There is no place for someone like Hazel in the crazy fame-and-gossip-filled world of Justice, just like there's no room for Justice in hers - dark and simple, yet their hearts keep telling them otherwise.

So, there is room. This feels like the end of the story. Be careful not to give away too much.

I would drop the bit about the kid with leukemia, as it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the blurb. I read through the comments just now to see if this bothered anyone else and saw you say you have to keep it to set the tone of the book, but you can't reveal in the blurb why it's important to the book. It doesn't really add anything to the blurb and if the importance of it can only be told in the book, I'd leave it out of the blurb. The idea of the blurb is to get us interested enough to open the book. You don't need to toss every interesting element of the book into the blurb.

Jan wrote: "I hope I've posted this in the right section. "

Every section is the wrong section for this post. Please review our code of conduct.

John wrote: "You may access my blog here:"

John didn't read message 6.

Jay wrote: "No negativity. This is our number one rule and we do enforce it.

Negativity might be discouraging, or belittling someone. Or, according to the dictionary, being pessimistic. We can't change the meaning for our own convenience,
"

Nothing has changed. We've always deleted comments where a member has chosen to critique a specific book or cover or what have you, unless the author or cover artist is asking for such a critique. You keep stating someone asked you to critique the books on display on this web site. I can't find that request. Even if it is here, their request does not trump the rules that we've had in place for a good long time.

Now, if you feel you're still being wronged in some way, please contact me or Ann via PM instead of using this thread. Thanks.

#1 - Remain Positive. No hate speech.

No negativity. This is our number one rule and we do enforce it. This includes, but is not limited to, bashing of authors, books, and movies of any kind. If an author is looking for advice on a cover, a blurb, on why their book is not selling, it is appropriate to offer constructive criticism. (“The color of your background makes it difficult to read your title.”) It is never appropriate to be insulting. (“Your cover is the worst ever. It sucks.”)

Jay, you've been around this group long enough that I'm not buying that you're ignorant of the rules or how the group functions. I edited your post as I felt most of it was good advice and only cut out the parts that were against a policy we've had for quite some time. I thought I was being kind by not deleting the entire post.

Michael wrote: "I actually found Jay's comment re: book quality a pretty convincing argument. Shame it was deleted."

The point is still here, the nitpicking over two books that were not to his liking is against group policy. It's gone.

I have the same habits. Most of my writing time is spent cutting out filler.

I like it. One suggestion - it is heavily peppered with "filler" words, words that don't really need to be there and tend to slow down the prose.

Examples:

"Vampires. She knew this for sure, because she had seen them walking on either sides of 19th Avenue and then when she drove through Golden Gate Park." could be tighter as: "Vampires. She knew for sure, because she saw them walking on either sides of 19th Avenue and when she drove through Golden Gate Park."

"She had considered driving straight to Edrea’s home, but she realized that wasn’t a good idea either." could be: "She considered driving straight to Edrea’s home, but realized that wasn’t a good idea either."

"No. It did all happen. She did find her missing sister." could be: "No. It all happened. She found her missing sister."

Yes. I agreed with that point and several others, which is why I copied most of Jay's post and quoted it. This just isn't the forum for posting reviews of other people's work, unless they're asking for help on a blurb, a chapter, etc.

Jay wrote: "To be fair, the only reasons why I'm willing to go this route are:
- Brick-and-mortar bookstores would be (theoretically) willing to display my book

They're flat-out lying to you. Every pocket on a book-store must earn its keep. So they are not going to take the work of an unknown self-publisher with no track record over a book from a publisher who has made them money. And even were they to agree to accept a book from that publisher,, all books in the store are on consignment, which means you, pay to produce them, and you, pay to ship back any unsold product. Can you afford to supply give copies to every store in a given chain store?

And what are they offering to do for you? Print copies of the book you had edited, that you, pay for. They're "sharing" nothing with you, and investing no money in your book.

Always sample what the publisher is offering and ask yourself if you would pay to read it.

In short: keep clear."

Jay, the stuff quoted above is good advice and helpful, so I kept it. I'm deleting your comment due to your rambling about the quality of the books you looked at. It's negative and not serving any real purpose.

Chris, your story sounds interesting and your blurb is good, but it is too long. Get us interested enough to get us to look at the first page. Matt's friends, his trip to northern Minnesota, how many attempts are made on his life and so on are details that can be left out of the blurb.

Ian and B.A. gave you some good samples to start you off.

Ian wrote: "Funnily enough, I find it easier to do someone else's blurbs than my own :-( ."

That makes sense, actually, and I'm sure it's true of most of us. We're very close to our own work and it's tough to draw that line between telling too little and telling too much. Maybe there's a lot of things we're trying to conceal for now or maybe we're in a rush to tell as much as we can, thinking we'll interest the reader with an avalanche of story.

Not to mention, when some of you rewrite people's blurbs, you only have their original blurb to go on, whereas writing our own blurbs we have a whole story behind it to wade through.

Leah wrote: "I like the mood this scene creates. I like how the description of the rain storm makes me feel. "

I do, too. It makes me think of a somber, wet, gray day and seems to match the moods of the characters well. It helps me feel their moods. And that is what good writing should do - make us feel.

Jay wrote: "You don’t tell the reader what can be heard, because that can only come from the author, and breaks POV."

That is, if the author is writing purely from the protagonist's point of view. This is not the only way to write and from the short example V.K. gave, I can't tell if this is what she's doing.

Had to deleted a couple of comments. Jill is asking for advice about blogging, not for us to show her our blogs. Tomas has the right idea. If you really think Jill would benefit from seeing your blog or someone else's offer to send her a PM.

Thanks.

B.A. wrote: "Intentional errors which fit the book I can handle. A fifteen year old today will have tons of abbreviations, slang, incomplete sentences, etc. The consistency will show it's intentional."

Heh. Funny you should mention incomplete sentences. There's one point where an entry ends in mid-sentence. The next entry begins with, "I got interrupted. Forget what I was saying. I have something more important to share."

M.L. wrote: "I think that's completely readable."

Thanks, M.L. The finished product will possibly be sprinkled a little heavier with mistakes. I'm going to experiment for the first few drafts.