Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

J., people have been asking you to post a larger version of this. Not sure why you posted it so small.

Eknaath wrote: "Bliss Was It In That Dawn#..."

I don't know what this is, but it seems completely off topic. Deleted.

Comment deleted. Topic closed.

Pandit wrote: "Whenever a love relationship is established..."

Deleted. Read our code of conduct. Thanks.

Amelia wrote: "Wow, the summary reads like my book's plot. Is that a good thing?

So the takeaway is to find something that makes my book different from Harry Potter. Maybe I should look into the story sometime."

It could be a good thing, as some readers would probably like to read more books like Harry Potter. Now, there's a lot more to Harry Potter than what I wrote out. I was just giving you several parallels I was seeing. M.L.'s comment indicates your book would likely be R-rated. That is certainly not Harry Potter, which I would say often hovers around PG. That may be something you can focus on to show how your book differs.

Amelia wrote: "I don't know much about Harry Potter..."

Well, Harry Potter is a coming-of-age story as it starts with Harry at age eleven and goes until he's eighteen. His birth got the attention of an evil wizard who tried to kill him and the evil wizard nearly died. At age eleven Harry finds out he's a wizard and has to train. One of his teachers is able to transform into a cat. He learns that the evil wizard is still alive and gaining power and Harry is the only one who can stop him, etc.

I would recommend it. The first six books are wonderful and charming. The last book was terrible, though.

They're both essentially the same. Information is given in the same order, more or less the same manner. Both are okay, though problematic. Some nit-picky notes:

Tzaro Janssen, a seismologist in a next-gen lab in the San Juan Islands, is on the backside of a broken marriage, toeing a fault line between two women. Wordy. And since by the rest of the book doesn't seem to have anything to do with Tzaro's marriage, I would leave it out of the blurb.

Even Murray the android is brain-dead. This tidbit of information is inserted in both blurbs. It breaks the flow and doesn't really tell me anything as it doesn't seem to connect with anything else in the blurb.

His girlfriend Therica becomes… not herself. Stories like hers are flaming across media around the globe—psychotic breaks, social isolation, contagious paranoia, explosive violence. And no cause. The first sentence feels awkward. I'd strike the last line as, obviously, there is a cause.

A chilling discovery on Therica’s phablet fractures the world Tzaro knows and propels him into a bizarre, broken world for all—one that only he has a chance to make whole. As someone who is fascinated by what social media is doing to society, this is interesting to me... until that last bit about Tzaro being the "only one". It's become so cliched and a turn off for me.

With the fates of Therica, his son Derek, and billions of the socially interconnected in the balance, Tzaro and the rag-tag team who join him plunge into a race against madness.

In a future world not so distant, in a cyber cell in the shadowy foothills, the soul snatchers are watching, and waiting. Could stand a heavy rewrite. "Fates in the balance", "rag-tag team", "race against..." are all so overused. Maybe a brief intro to one or two of the "rag-tag team" would help.

Cracks, Tzaro Janssen understands full well, that’s what it’s come down to. A seismologist in a next-gen lab in the San Juan Islands, Tzaro is on the backside of a broken marriage, toeing a fault line between two women. Even Murray the android is brain-dead. What Tzaro can’t know is that the real crackup is still to come. Maybe tone down the puns.

His gf Therica goes… not herself. I wouldn't use abbreviations if you want to be taken seriously as an author. Also, as awkward as this sentence is in the first blurb, this one is worse. How about, "His girlfriend Therica is no longer herself"?

Stories like hers are lighting up media around the globe—psychotic breaks, social isolation, contagious paranoia, explosive violence. I prefer "lighting up" to "flaming".

At the center is Therica’s obsession, the mega networking platform Wundrus. This is better than its cousin in the first, especially since it lacks that "he is the only one who can save the world" line.

Not crazy about the opening line. It doesn't flow well.

People will already know this is a fantasy novel through searching for it. I'd strike that second line. Also, you say it's "coming-of-age", though your main character is 22. Coming-of-age stories are generally about teenagers.

The paragraph that starts "22-year-old Glen" could be reduced. It over emphasizes how reluctant she is to be a sorceress. Maybe a touch more about the cat as it's the most interesting thing in the paragraph and is only brushed on.

After that, again, the point is well driven that Glen doesn't want to be a sorceress, but the fate of the world depends on her. Is there anything else you can touch on to make the blurb pop? What you have here makes your book sound like another Harry Potter. That will be enough to sell some readers, but you may want to dig a bit deeper and look for things that make your book different from Harry Potter and bring out a couple of those things. Pique the interest of people who are looking for something a little more unique.

Robert wrote: "I'm not here to argue, but I would like to respond since it doesn't appear that I broke any Group Rules."

#5 - Reviews happen. We aren't here to discuss them or swap them.

Discussions about drive-by ratings and negative reviews are discouraged. Do not discuss what you feel are your reader’s “responsibilities” to you. We understand that negative reviews can be hurtful and upsetting, but this is not the place to vent about them.

Robert wrote: "I felt the reviews were very fair. The criticisms that I heard were not unfamiliar from what Beta readers had told me. Some of the reviews were not very thoughtful, but the majority of them you could really get a sense of whether or not you touched them through your writing."

Not sure why this should matter. Reviews aren't for the writer, anyway. Readers should not be required to be "fair" or "thoughtful".

With that, a gentle reminder that our code of conduct discourages discussions on reviews. Because of the topic, I've been allowing people to talk about whether they got reviews or not, etc. but let's steer clear of discussing the quality of the reviews.

I would never worry about other books having the title I want to use. It's been done numerous times. Search for the title Night Shift and see.

Anthony wrote: "Spam about a viking book"

Not here. Read the code of conduct.

But, thanks for the chance to reference Monty Python while deleting your post.

Same here, Leah. And, in my opinion, they're more honest than those coming from readers who feel obligated to a service to provide reviews.

I can't see the point of paying for reviews that may or may not show up and Amazon will likely remove if they catch on.

They don't really claim to deliver anything, if you read their web site carefully. So, you're paying for, potentially, nothing. You might end up paying twenty dollars for one review that Amazon will likely take back down.

Jordan wrote: "...at a cost of about $2 each ..."

According to what I'm seeing, you have to request at least fifty reviews and, if you get that many, will be charged a total of $140. That's close to $3 a review. The very minimum you will be charged, if they can't find enough readers for you, is $20.

Overall, it sounds pretty sketchy.

Rob wrote: "BLURB HELP - Fantasy
Thanks Dwayne - my mistake: I left off the BLURB HELP..."

You don't need to write blurb help, especially in all caps, in every post. That's only if you're starting a post in the Blurb Help folder. You would put it in the title of your thread.

Rob wrote: "This may just be helpful. "

Not sure why you posted this twice in the same thread, Rob. I deleted one of them.

J wrote: "My name is ..."

Post deleted. Please review our code of conduct.

Tony wrote: "I like them both."

Thanks Tony!

M.L. wrote: "I see conflict: spies from a competing diner or someone running from the law."

Exactly. The owners of the cafe are after poor Trudy to spy on The Strangers and determine what they're up to. Trudy, on the other hand, has a simple theory about The Strangers. She thinks they're just ordinary folks passing through town while on vacation.