Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

A. J. Deschene wrote: "Dwayne:
Thanks, I'll see what I can do about it.

A. J."

Hey. I wanted to come back and illustrate for you what I'm getting at. As said, I'm not a huge fan of fantasy, but will read it once in a while. Yesterday I was spending the day with a client who wanted to go hang out at Barnes and Noble for a while. I took him. I noticed a copy of A Game Of Thrones on display. I've never read it, but obviously I hear a lot about it. So, I read the blurb. There was a detail in the blurb that caught my attention, the mentioning of summers that last for years and winters that last a lifetime. That was intriguing to me and caused me to open the book. The rest of the blurb was full of fantasy tropes, enough to catch the attention of most fantasy fans. This one detail was interesting enough to catch my attention.

D.M. wrote: "I see I broke the very last rule of your site. Sorry. Got it now. "

You posted in a thread that was marked "moderators only" and was also marked that we're no longer using that folder. Also, your post was self-promoting and included several links. So, yes, the very last rule and then some.

D.M. wrote: "Hallo,
I have just posted "The Writer's Tarot" under your resources thread. Would it be possible to pin on your pinterest board?"

Thanks. I just deleted it for, oh, about five or six reasons. Please read our rules before posting again. Thanks.

My first computer was a Commodore 64! I feel your pain. Yes, you'll need to upload the image to Goodreads or some other place online as you'll need a url for the formatting.

Getting way off topic and getting negative. And as mentioned, this is not the forum to discuss reviews. Talking about what Amazon allows and does not allow is fine, but we're getting into territory of people complaining about negative reviews and how "unfair" Amazon is for enforcing their policies.

Focus on writing. Leave the reviews for readers.

Topic is locked and closed.

The other thing that strikes me as I read it over is, I feel like I've read this before and I don't read a lot of fantasy, but it all feels so familiar. Kingdoms in a long, unwinnable war, treacherous relatives, a child who seems to be the key to victory or doom... Maybe that will work for people who read a lot of books like this. Maybe they're looking for more of the same. For someone like me to pick it up, I need a hint that this one is different from all the others.

A. J. Deschene wrote: "Dwayne:
I see you have a lot of questions, which I consider a good thing ...
I want people to be curious about this mystery, but not frustrated, so how do you think I can fix that from the edited version?"

Curious would be good. I'm not frustrated, I'm indifferent. There's not much to grasp here. I don't know anything about the main character except he or she lives in some kingdom that is at war and he / she hates kids. There's just not much here to connect to or relate to.

Kathleen wrote: "Uh oh. I apologize if my post is self-promotion."

It was. It also included a link, off topic and hijacking.

Right above the comment box is a link that says "(some html is ok)". Click on that. You'll find instructions for posting an image in there.

Patricia wrote: "I'm so glad I decided to start this thread. I have no solution for Amazon's treatment of its authors. "

You mean letting me publish the kinds of books I want to publish so I don't have to jump through hoops to please a traditional publisher? And I get to do this for free? And I make money from it? How dare they!

I think that Amazon placing some criteria on what they allow for reviews is a really small price to pay for getting to use their service for free. Reviews are not there for us authors anyway, so why worry about them?

Jeff wrote: "I'm absolutely upset that one of my books has only one bad review posted on the amazon site..."

I dug around and I think I found the review in question, Jeff. It's not a bad review. The reader simply says that they aren't sure if they're going to read your full novel or not, based on your short story. It's an opinion and all readers will have them. Just because someone is not handing you a five star review is no reason to call their review "bad".

Keep in mind, folks, these discussions are public. I have seen some authors go down in flames for publicly complaining about "bad" reviews. If you take a moment to read our code of conduct, you'll see that we discourage discussion of negative reviews. They happen. No one has ever written a book that pleases all readers and I doubt any of us will ever achieve that. So, take your reviews, all of them, with a grain of salt and move on.

Mitch Garrison lost his aircraft, his wings, and his best friend / worst enemy in a furball high above the Sông Mã River of North Vietnam.

*Raises eyebrows* Was he / she eaten by a flying kitten?

His only consolation? A secret died as well, a secret that could send him to the Portsmouth Naval Prison for life.

Okay. The promise of a dirty secret is always a good thing in a blurb.

Six years later, now Special Agent Garrison of the Naval Investigative Service finds himself in Naples, Italy tailing David Chase, a young flight officer who may - or may not - be smuggling kilos of Bekah Valley hash back to the States.

That's a lot of proper nouns in one sentence. Could be simplified. "Six years later, Garrison finds himself in Naples tailing a young flight officer who may be smuggling drugs into the United States."

While Mitch can’t tell if Chase is a player, he can definitely tell that David is making a move on Angie Autieri, his frenemy’s widow, undercover NIS agent, and the unrequited love of Mitch’s life.

Wordy. "David Chase, the flight officer, is also making moves on his friend's widow, the unrequited love of Garrison's life."

And just to make matters worse, Chase has learned his long ago secret.

Conflicts with what you said earlier about the dead secret.

P.S. As per the instructions for the workshop, please add the title of your book to the title of the thread.

To protect the ones you love, sometimes you must stand to make them cry.

I know it's common, but I never really care for blurbs that start with these vague questions or statements that seem removed from the actual book. I could be in a minority on that, though.

Valeon, circa 1282:

Maybe 1282, maybe not. We're not sure. Hum dee dum. (Sorry, the word "circa" feels wishy-washy to me.)

Every time the Gates of Nisime part, the L’itians are granted access into my kingdom, including the family I've separated myself from, both physically and mentally.

Gates of what now? Who is granted access? Remember, this is your world. Potential readers won't know what you're talking about.

This time, my sister brought her five-year-old daughter, Anna to my room, then disappeared the next day, leaving me to raise the thing I hate most in this world . . . a child. More specifically, a child who does not share my language.

Here we get to something interesting. This would make a better start to the blurb. So far, this feels like a fantasy, so to a newcomer to your world, the places and dates will mean nothing at this point. Draw them in with the promise of a good story. This has some promise. It could stand some tightening. It's a bit wordy.

When Nisime closed, our surrounding enemies resumed a never finished war of which we can not win. We had no allies, no army, and no warning to prepare us for what came.

I'm a bit confused here. So, the enemy stops a war when the gates are open and then starts up again when they close?

Now, the enemy seeks Anna to use her as a war tool, and there are traitors around every corner . . . traitors who used to be my friends. Even Anna’s own father is infamously known for betraying his family’s trust years ago.

I'm not sure what's going on. There's a war going on in which victory is hopeless. Still the enemy can't win without this child. I'm sure this is explained in the novel, but it's got me baffled.

Somehow, in this time of uncertainty, the kingdom’s fate lies with whoever holds Anna in their hands.

I'm guessing you don't want to give away the big secret as to why Anna is so important, but it might be nice to have a hint.

What I'm seeing here is you seem to have a lot of story you're trying to pack into a blurb. I'd suggest focusing on the most interesting aspect of the story. Don't worry about the date and the gates and how the war stops and starts, etc. That doesn't seem to be the real story here.

Some things you might strengthen -

Why is Anna important?
Why does the main character hate children?
Most importantly, who is this main character? I'm getting sort of an idea what the story is, but not who the characters are.

Well, if Ann wants to override my answer, she can. I'm gonna say no. There's no way to embed a video. It would have to be linked and we don't allow links. We don't have a video workshop, either.

Haru wrote: "By the way, I took a gander at your titles, and I think those people who unfairly reviewed are ..."

Psst. We have a rule against negativity, especially in talking about reviews. Just because someone read a book and gave it a negative review is no reason to see it as "unfair" and the name-calling is unnecessary.

Um... the ones at the top of the Blurb Workshop? The thread that says "Folder Rules: Read First"?

Agreed, M.L. I would love to see Tom focus on wowing potential readers rather than catering to the mysterious algorithms.

Okay. It's been a long, long time, but there used to be tons of discussions here about Amazon's algorithms. To sum it all up: No one outside of Amazon really knows how they work. If the "gurus" are telling you they know how they work, they're probably blowing smoke.

All I can really say, Tom, is your blurb is too long. It needs to be punchy and get attention quickly. This just rambles and feels endless.

This:

Twenty-something Mod and her tween-age sister join a pair of brothers of the same age range to compete as a team in The Games of Life.

The games are played out above the streets of downtown Big City in a mixed reality setting that uses a MindLink to combine the virtual with the real.

Perilous and thrilling, a win in the games is a life-changing event that could lead to happily ever after.

Unfortunately, Mod’s nemesis has a plan of her own, and it won’t end well for anyone if it succeeds.

There’s also a deranged artificial intelligence who adds chaos to the mix.

with some tweaking could be turned into an excellent blurb. You don't need all this other fluff.

Fix the title of your thread to comply with the rules and I'll take a look at your blurb. Deal?

Ben wrote: "I published my debut novel with KDP Select a month ago. ... I did sell 180 copies during a free promotion, but nobody has reviewed it, so I have no clue if they read it or not. "

It sounds like you're doing pretty well. Give people time. It could be months before they read it. Not everyone reviews, either.

Bottom line: You're getting sales. That's great. Some people will read it, some will not. Some will love it, some will not. Some will review, most will not.