Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

I don't want to even hint at resolution in the blurb. There may be lessons and morals in the story, maybe on accident. I'd rather let the reader find it for themselves, if any exist.

This is nothing but a slice-of-life tale. I assume most people have walked into a bar, restaurant, barber shop, whatever, and felt they're an outsider and the regulars are wondering about them. Or maybe they've been a regular and had a stranger walk in. I've been in all three situations: regular, stranger, observer. I'm hoping to catch the attention of people who have lived the small town life or have an interest in it.

No. I wouldn't give away that much story in a blurb. That's probably not even a fourth of the characters / theories.

The three questions at the start are meaningless to me. I don't even know who we're talking about. I can't speculate on characters I haven't been introduced to, yet. You follow them with a statement that none of these scenarios happen, so why even bother asking us about them?

All through the rest of it, as I'm seeing one name after another, I kept asking, "Who? Who?"

You make mention two people pretending they've never met, but someone sees they're interested. I'd drop the mention of the pretending, then. Maybe a bit of info on who these three are and why it matters to Keltia if they other two are interested in one another. Then he sees her in secret, meaning Keltia's plans don't work, so... why bring it up in the blurb?

Anyway. Overall it feels as if you're trying to cram as much of the story as you can into the blurb, making it rushed and confusing. Slow it down. Focus on something early in the story that will grab attention.

M.L. wrote: "I like it. It adds depth and the different theories bring a sense of conflict into the story. By the way, that first paragraph is really impressive. It's not easy to mention four different people in a brief description and still have clarity. :) "

Thank you!

Lori-Ann wrote: "Why should the reader care about gossip in a cafe about 2 strangers? "

And that's really, in a nutshell, what the Noah City stories are all about. I realize many readers are looking for tales of dragons, robots, vampires and what-not, but I have little interest in writing about those things. I like to write about humans and the things that make us human, even the small things like prejudices. Gossip plays a big part in what keeps people from finding understanding and coming together. I know some readers will find such a theme boring. That's a risk I'm willing to take.

Waitress Trudy Crystal assumes today is going to be another regular day down at Corner Cafe. Boog wants the usual biscuits and double gravy. Elma Dodge orders a plain English muffin and a poached egg. And John Brookes? Well, John has always been an oddball and wants huckleberry pie.

When the patrons of Corner Cafe notice The Strangers among them, the usual talk of weather and farming turns to gossip. Who are these people? What business have they in Noah City? Everyone has a theory. Are they spies from Bella's Diner downtown? Are they on the lam? Are they harbingers of bad luck? Trudy finds every theory more ridiculous than the last.

Yes. They're already in a booth when they are first noticed. The phrase "had just come in" suggests someone saw them enter.

Stanley wrote: "I think I like this better for the second paragraph.
"

The one thing you changed doesn't fit the story, though. No one sees them enter.

Lori-Ann wrote: "I don't think upper case of the strangers works for me. I feel like I'm missing the reason of the upper case, even making me wonder if it's sci fi (I even checked the post title to know it's not sci fi). Italics would work better for emphasis."

Heh. Well, since no one is brave enough to ask their names, they start being referred to as Man Stranger, Woman Stranger, etc.

Jane wrote: "I like the first paragraph a lot.

The second don’t work so well for me."

I'll toy with it tonight or tomorrow and try to work on the wording.

M.L. wrote: "I like the first paragraph, too. And I'd actually like to see it continue on into the second paragraph:

But when Strangers show up at Corner Café, speculation runs wild. Boog thinks they are ____..."

I like the idea... I'll work on that. Humorous aside, though, John, being an oddball, thinks maybe they're just some nice folks passing through.

Lori-Ann wrote: "So they just "notice" strangers?"

Yep. They just notice them. Haven't you ever been out somewhere and then realize there's someone sitting near that you didn't see walk in? Maybe that only happens to me.

As far as waitress Trudy Crystal can tell, today is going to be another regular day down at Corner Cafe. Boog wants the usual biscuits and double gravy, Elma wants a plain English muffin and a poached egg, and John Brookes? Well, John has always been an oddball and he wants huckleberry pie.

When the patrons of Corner Cafe notice The Strangers among them, the usual talk of weather and farming turns to gossip. Who are they? Why are they here? Everyone has their theories and to Trudy each theory is more ridiculous than the last.

You pretty much had me in the first paragraph. The other two seem like a rambling list telling me everything that's going to happen in the book. You take us all the way to the showdown, which I assume is the climax of the story. I don't need to know the whole book before I buy it.

Anahit wrote: "My poetry book..."

No.

Mine have been helpful.

E. W. wrote: "Hi all, any thoughts on ..."

The way you're approaching this subject had me suspicious. Did some digging and it seems you've been spamming a lot of groups with this same message. I'm guessing you're some kind of rep from this web site and trying to drum up interest.

Post deleted.

Good point, Leah.

First paragraph - Gates is plural, but the rest of the sentence reads as if there is only one gate.

Otherwise I get a strong background to a story and, while interesting, I'm looking for a character to connect to.

Two years ago, Sara Black was nearly killed by her own kind. Werewolves.

This is good. I personally am not a fan of fragmented sentences, but I know it's popular these days to do that, so it could attract some readers. Otherwise, yes. Strong start.

They want her because she’s different, because she is an omega and so, through her calming presence has the ability to influence others.

And you lost me. They want her dead because she can influence others. Why is that a bad thing? We all have the ability to influence others. I don't know what an "omega" is.

Sara thought she was safe in Maybourne. It’s quiet, small, and far from any werewolves.

Because werewolves don't like quiet and small places?

But then a hiker claims he was attacked by a wolf and the Alpha of North America sends his son to investigate.

Why? I'm guessing this Alpha of North America is a powerful person / werewolf. Why is he concerned with an ordinary wolf attack on, I assume, a human? Seems something best left to humans to deal with.

Kieran Warrick. He’s powerful, handsome, and very dangerous.

I hope there's more to the character. This makes him sound like a cliche. Give us something more.

What’s more, he claims that he shares a bond with Sara, that they are mates.

And... she's not aware of this, somehow? Or is he making this claim to someone else? Is he one of the ones who wants to kill her?

While they fight and struggle to build love and trust, the wolf attacks continue. Perhaps there are more werewolves in Maybourne. But why? Are they hiding from someone too?

Yeah, somehow this blurb starts off strong and gets weaker as it goes along - the opposite of what you want and I'm sure that is not how your book plays out. Dig deeper. Find something to lure us in. Is Sara in any danger, for example? Is there some kind of trouble brewing due to her and this son of the Alpha becoming mates?

In a diner. The photo was taken in a diner similar to the one in the story.