Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

I like it better. I'd probably put a period after "career", strike everything to the word "now" and start the second paragraph with "The miraculous". Not really keen on knowing their work is boring and its not likely to draw a lot of people into the book.

Tomas wrote: "C.J., Please mind the rules: no link and no self-promotion. So, if you could edit post #50 to remove either?"

Sorry. I didn't see your comment before I deleted.

Thanks, Tomas.

Comment deleted. No links. Thanks.

Haru wrote: "Here is the excerpt I'm talking about (I am allowed to post excerpts here, right?) "

If you're looking for critiques / help with your writing, yes.

And this is overkill. We get that he's kissing her ears. Suggested edit:

I tuck my hair aside. “I want you to, you know, stimulate my ears. I think you only did this once.”

“Hmm…” still on his knees, he moves behind me, delicately holding my hair away from my left ear. “They're so lovely… Such a beautiful form and fleshy.” I yelp as he takes my lobe in his mouth and softly pulls it. “But ever since you graduated from Law Academy you’ve kept them hidden, so they are kind of forgotten.”

His lips are soft and sliding. He takes it between his lips and starts sucking.

“Feels… so good…”

He moves up and kisses the scapha and helix, trailing all the way to my lobula again. “You never wear earrings or draw attention to them in any way, so yeah.” He moves to my right side and massages my lobe with his lips, slowly trailing up the outer rim. As a finishing touch, he gives a tiny nip below each of my ears, which elicits a high-pitched moan from me.

NOTE: You have a comma between "fleshy earlobes" and "I yelp". It should be a period. Also, moans are not high-pitched.

Yes! This one is intriguing!

Summer wrote: "Cut the word count by half."

Strongly disagree. If anything, it could be a little longer.

Claire Kennedy immediately put me in mind of Clark Kent. Not sure if that was intentional.

It does kind of have a Superman / Spider-Man / Daredevil feel to it.

The blurb is good, but could use a little tuning up. When I hit the line listing all the people that will be affected with death and trauma, the the rhythm of the blurb was really thrown off for me.

I get where Frank is coming from, too. I'm not sure if this is really Votary's story, or Claire's.

EDITED TO ADD: Just noticed the title Bystanders. So, it does seem to be more a story about those around Votary and not the hero himself (a little like Marvels).

This is the second book in the Forbidden series. Please don’t continue reading if you haven’t read the first, as there will be plenty of spoilers ahead.

Admittedly, I don't write series in the sense that people use the word today, nor do I often read them. But, I would hesitate to read a book whose blurb starts off like this. I assume your cover will have "Book 2" or some such thing on it. That's enough to clue a reader in that this is not the beginning. Let them move on at their own risk.

‘How booooring!’ Sween thinks as she sits at the desk of her new job as a detective. ‘So much paperwork and nothing exciting to do? Can I really do this for years from now?’

Again, I'm probably not in your target audience so take this with a grain of salt, but I would likely pass on a book that promises a bored character right off the bat. If they're bored, I'll be bored reading about them. If I'm brutally honest, I wonder at this point about Sween's intellect. Why would one chose to be a detective if they don't care for paperwork? She didn't realize this would be part of the job?

Little would she know she’d soon be investigating the most mysterious and brutal crimes in her city’s story.

Not bad. The wording is clumsy, though. Also, instead of learning that Sween is bored, maybe more details about these crimes. Get us interested with the juicy stuff!

Lei’s torrid passion and love still warms her life. It’s all fun and games—but wait a minute! Why is he flirting with that lady at his office? The people at work think that other woman and not Sween is his wife!

I had to read that at least a couple of times to begin to grasp it. It lacks focus. I couldn't tell at first if Lei is a man or woman, who "that lady" is and so on.

But as bullets whistle in the night and beloved blood is spilled, maybe it’s already too late to know the truth…

Beloved blood?

Overall, the blurb has a frame to it. It needs a lot of fleshing out. More detail about the crimes, a little more hint as to who Lei and Sween are. I realize you're writing this for people who have read the first book and that's fine, but realize someone might read your first book today and not get around to this one for another five or ten years. A little more detail about the characters would not hurt all around.

Ian wrote: "Hi guys, I published my first book..."

I know you had a question in there that sounded legit, but most of your post read like a bookwhack. Try again.

Actually, this is a question that has come up before, so it's not weird. Further, becoming unhappy with something you've published a while back is probably more common than most of us would care to admit. You published it because you believed in it at one time. Now you're not sure. This is actually a good thing. It shows you're growing as a writer.

If you're thinking of going through and fixing up the punctuation, spelling and maybe a few little details, I'd say go for it. If you're unhappy with the book all around, you might be better off either leaving it alone or unpublishing and if you're serious about being a writer, it might be better to focus your time and energy on a new project rather than investing too deeply in an old one.

Many years ago before all this self-publishing stuff, I wrote a novel that I absolutely loved. I wrote it by hand as I had no typewriter or computer at the time. I still believe it was a fantastic novel (although a bit melodramatic in places). I was scouting around trying to find a place to publish, trying to learn the process of publishing when - oops - the manuscript vanished. Well, I had been dragging my feet on learning how to get it published and by this time I had a computer. I made numerous attempts to rewrite the book, but never captured the magic and feel of the old manuscript. The more I tried, the more artificial the book felt. Maybe this isn't always the case, but I fear that if we devote too much time and energy on one project, we can't help but ruin it eventually. So, edit for spelling and punctuation, yes. I would not recommend trying to give it a major overhaul.

Let me guess... they said they're interested in your book, but did not give a title or even a hint as to why they're interested.

Stuff like that is nearly always a scam of some kind. Ignore it.

My two cents.

I'm not fond of any of these. The cover for book two that you shared several months ago was better than these. These don't match the style of that one. The demon looks nothing like that cover. These seem comical by comparison. Maybe that's what you were going for?

I checked out the cover you're currently using on this book and I actually like that better than I like these, too.

If I had to pick one of these it would be G.

Chris wrote: "I've seen a lot of book covers (best sellers too) that include a line like that in their blurb."

I have, too, Chris. It's still a turn off to me, no matter if it's an unpublished Indie book or a best selling trad book. I offer a lot of opinions around here. Use them if they're helpful. Ignore them if they aren't. This is one of those things I nearly always comment on and after all this time I am still not sure if I'm in a minority or a majority on this.

I really like this latest version, except the last paragraph. Lines like that always come across to me like, "So go buy my book because I think it's really good" and it's a turn off. By the rest of the blurb, I get that there will be mystery, which often includes suspense and thrills. To be told this is overkill.

Jeff wrote: "Anthologies are great for one time stories. But why not make an collective book of your own? "

I have done that. The one thing I really don't like is, those things are the hardest to sell. By far. Still, it is nice to have a collection of work or two out there, just in case someone is interested in picking up several stories at once.

Bill wrote: "So, can I throw a couple of mine in for comparison?"

I can't tell if you're trying to hijack the thread and make it about your own writing instead of Emory's, or if you're trying to gain interest in books you've already published. This is a workshop, not a showcase.

You printed a copy and let it burn. I hope that means you still have your book on file somewhere. If so, then let someone read it before you do something that drastic again. Let several someone's read it. Find writers and people who love to read. I'd bet most anything you will find out that even if the book is not perfect, even if it's merely good, even if it's only mediocre, it's salvageable.

I'm sorry you've had so much pain in the past few years. I'm also sorry your confidence was shattered so badly. I want everyone in this community to find success, whatever success means to them. I'm sorry if we've failed you.

I would guess that nearly all of us here suffer from a bit of self-doubt at times. I know most of us have people around us that could care less about our writing. Whether we admit it or not, it does hurt a bit. But, we need to believe in ourselves. If we can't, it's all fruitless, no matter how much others support us.

If your book is truly gone, write something else and don't let negative people or negative thoughts get in your way. I can tell by your posts you've got some talent. You've been told you're wasting time. It's your time to use as you see fit. I hate to see anyone waste talent, though.

My list will be similar to yours, Justin, except that last bit. I would actually rather use a great title on a short story, as they don't sell as well and need all the help they can get!

So, my criteria:

*Theme: This is tricky, actually. I have a novel out in which the theme is "teenage angst" and a short story I'm working on currently in which I'd say the theme is "grief that doesn't heal". The first became a novel as I had many, many intertwining stories to explore the theme. The second remains a short story as I'm focusing only on one woman who has never fully accepted the death of her daughter.

*Complexity: The novel mentioned above has dozens of stories all interwoven and could not possibly fit into a few pages. The short mentioned above is simple - a woman grieves on Christmas day while her family react to it.

*Ending: I always put a lot more closure in the endings of novels. Some of my short stories kinda just - end. Once I've said what needs to be said, the story is done.

*Characters: The size of the cast and the complexity of the characters can help determine how long the story will be.

*Plot twists: If there's going to be more than one plot twist, it might work better as a novella or novel.

*Slice of Life: I like doing stories that would be called "slice-of-life". If that's how the story feels, it's best to keep it a short story.

Emory wrote: "Can I get some opinions on how this passage reads?"

I've glanced over everyone's responses, only as per normal mod duties. I didn't read everyone in detail, but it seems you're getting some great feedback so far. Here's mine. Apologies if I end up repeating what others may have said.

Drop the "suddenly". It's a word that should be used sparingly, if at all. We know getting shot is quick and dramatic. Punching it up with that word is overkill.

I've read a lot of true accounts of people being shot. I have yet to read anyone describe it as feeling like a burning building. Again, this feels like overkill. Some say they didn't feel pain, some say it felt like a bee sting or a punch. Some say it feels like a hot poker. Now, I could be wrong. Perhaps in Grace's case it does burn that intensely. If you haven't researched this, I would recommend doing so.

"She hits the ground as blood soaks her shirt. Her skin pales as she struggles to breathe." <-- This looks like one of my bad habits. The two sentences alone are fine. Together they feel clumsy as the construction is so similar.

"With dilated pupils, Grace’s pulse weakens, her heart races her breaths." <-- My very minor medical background tells me the pulse would grow stronger if the heart is racing. I like the "heart races her breath" line. Maybe cut out the sentence above about struggling to breathe, since she seems to be breathing heavy here.

"Her dilated pupils glassily gaze into Lucia’s eyes as she moves desperately to Grace’s aid." <-- Cut the adverbs. You already mentioned she has dilated pupils. The whole sentence feels clumsy as you seem to shift from Grace to Lucia. Maybe simplify it this way, "Grace gazes into Lucia's eyes as Lucia moves to her aid."

"Unable to hear, Grace lies there watching Lucia, certain she is drawing in her last breaths." <-- Other than letting us know that Grace is losing her hearing, you're not introducing anything new here. We know she thinks she's dying. We know she's watching Lucia.

"The burning sensation grows, blackness rapidly replaces her surroundings." <-- Good.

"The distant yells of 'stay with me' hit Grace’s ear drums as her eyes close and she slips out of consciousness." <-- I thought she couldn't hear.

It's rough, yes, but good for you for working it over. I do have to say this is better than the sample of your book I read a couple of weeks ago. Keep at it!

I don't do fight scenes often. My latest involves two drunk brothers in their twenties, fighting on their mother's ice covered driveway on Christmas night. I thought it was the easiest part of the story. It was over pretty quickly, and a lot of fun to orchestrate.