倪匡's Blog
June 27, 2025
蔡瀾，於2025年6月25日逝世，終年83歲。
我們敬愛的蔡瀾先生於2025年6月25日(六月初一)，在親友陪同下，於香港養和醫院安詳離世。
遵從先生意願，為免叨擾親朋，不設任何儀式，遺體已火化。
January 5, 2025
December 6, 2024
Duelling With The Sushi Chef
Let’s face it, it’s nearly impossible to fully understand how to eat sushi if you are not Japanese. Communication with the chef is the only way to appreciate sushi. That is why the gourmet insists on sitting at the counter to converse with the chefs, yet this is quite impossible if you don’t speak their language.
It also explains why The Michelin Guide have awarded so many stars to the Tokyo restaurants. Not because the judges know how to appreciate the food, but because more sushi chefs speak English.
“WOW, wow!” and “wow!” they cried after the chefs explained the origins of the food and the years taken to prepare them.
Having lived in Japan for eight years and continuing to travel there every year since, I learned a few tricks of how to duel with sushi chefs when you walk into a sushi shop for the first time.
The fate of the customer depends on the chef, for there are no prices on the menu. In fact, there are no menus at all. When you ask for the bill, the chef uses his sharp knife and makes a few strokes on the cutting board. There are no fixed sums. The price he quotes depends on his mood.
If he is happy, he makes light cuts, and when he is not, he cuts it like somebody who is killing his wife and the sum becomes astronomical.
Of course, you can say I have all the money in the world and don’t give a damn, but then you won’t get the best cut, or respect. We must treat the sushi shop like a battle ground and the chef like an opponent in a duel.
“Irashamasei!” the chef will yell at you the moment you enter. It sounds more like a challenge than a welcome. To counter this, you nod lightly and say, “Um” as if he doesn’t exist. Then you throw the first punch by ordering. “Sake!” you command.
“Atsukan desuka? Heiya desuka?” which means “Hot or Cold?” he fights back.
At this instance you must give him another heavy punch by answering, “Nurukan”. That means warmed or room temperature in Japanese. By the way, all the best sake should be consumed this way whether it is summer or winter.
The chef nods silently, sensing that you are not an easy opponent.
You mustn’t let him rest. Looking at the big piece of egg roll, you order, “Tsumami”, which means without rice.
If you forget this word you just point and say, “No rice.” Rice is rice in Japanese too. He will understand. There are only two ways to order sushi: Tsumami or Nigeri. The latter means with rice.
The reason for ordering egg rolls is to test the skill of the sushi master. Egg rolls are the most difficult to perfect.
It is done by beating eggs and frying them in a rectangular pan one layer after another.
In between layers some masters put cooked shrimps and others put eel. Sugar and salt may be added. Too sweet or too savoury will kill the taste. There can only be two reactions from your opponent. One is that he knows you know how to appreciate his food, but more likely he will be thinking, “Fuck you! Who are you to show off here?”
If you see your opponent is expressionless you must continue the fight by only biting one third of the egg roll and staying expressionless too. This way he doesn’t know whether you like it or not.
If you like the expensive Uni (the sea urchin) or Awabi (the abalone), your next move is to order Maguro (the lean part of a tuna), not Toro (the fatty part of a tuna). The real gourmet always appreciates this lean part of tuna. The Hon-Maguro tuna caught in the Japanese Sea is so sweet and full of favour that it is ten times tastier than the imported Maguro.
The unconvinced chef would think he has caught you out by giving you the imported Maguro. You chew a little, then you put it down and you order Gari (pickled ginger). Gari is a jargon between sushi masters and is often used to clear your palatte.
Now the chef knows what he is facing. At this precise moment you must throw out double punches by ordering Geso, which is the cooked tentacles of squid, Odori, which means dancing in Japanese, for describing live prawns, and Awabi no Wata, which is the intestine of abalone.
The chef has never thought this could be coming, While he has no time to defend himself, you make your kill by ordering Tamari, which is the soy sauce at the bottom of the jar, or Murasaki, which describes the purple colour, but never Shoyu which is the common name. You dip the raw fish in soy sauce and then add a little Wasabi (green mustard) on top before eating it. You must never, never mix Wasabi in your soy sauce because this will make it muddy.
You can mention casually that in the famous author Tanizaki Junichiro’s essay ‘In Praise of Shadows’, he writes about how beautiful dark materials are and that they should never be mixed.
At this point you buy the chef a bottle of their most expensive sake and finish the two thirds of the egg roll to show your appreciation. And finally, you call out, “O-iso”, the sushi term for the bill. The chef will bow to you with respect, and you walk out paying less.
November 29, 2024
A Drunken Breakfast
My mother was a heavy drinker. She drank brandy morning, noon and night. When Nee Kuang my good friend visited us in Singapore, we bought him breakfast. I ordered a table full of local delicacies. My mother pulled out a big bottle of brandy from nowhere and told Nee Kuang to “Drink up!”
Nee said politely, “But it’s a sin to drink in the morning.”
My mother replied coolly, “Son, it’s night-time in Paris.”
The concept of time is fun to play with.
Here is another story from the Tsukiji fish market in Tokyo. The freshest and the cheapest fish could be found in the small restaurants in the early morning. This was where the fishmongers gathered after a whole night’s work. Once I met one man who was drinking heavily and I asked, “Old man, why do you drink so early in the morning?”
To which he replied, “Young man, why do you drink at night?”
You see, it is not unusual to have lobster at noon or night, but if you eat it in the morning, it becomes the greatest indulgence. On Sunday mornings I always visit the fish market and buy a big lobster for breakfast. First, you lay the lobster out on the cutting board, then pour some white vinegar into a bowl and dip your left-hand fingers into it. That way you can grab the lobster firmly without slipping. Using a sharp knife, chop off the head and cut it into half. Put the head into burning charcoal, sprinkle it with salt and let it grill slowly.
Next, turn the lobster over. Using a pair of scissors, cut down both sides of the soft underbelly to take the tail out. Give the tail flesh a few light cuts vertically and then cut them across into thin slices. Throw them into a big bowl of iced water, and watch the lobster meat curling up like a flower. Line up the flowers one by one on a plate, chop small pieces of red chilli and green parsley, and place them in the centre like flower stamens. Dip the flowers into soy sauce and wasabi and enjoy them like sashimi.
Meantime, boil the legs and shell to create a soup to which you can add tofu, lettuce and anything vegetable you fancy.
When you can smell the aroma of the grilled lobster’s head, you may pick its brains!
Finally, open a bottle of champagne and play some Mozart.
A perfect breakfast.
November 22, 2024
The Lama
As the head of production in Shaw Brothers Studio in Hong Kong, my job included showing VIPs around.
Among them were Princess Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier III of Monaco, Benny Hill, Danny Kaye with his same sex wife, who scolded him all the way etc.
One day I heard the PR cry, “The Lama is coming! The Lama is coming!”
“Not THE Dalai Lama?” I asked.
“No, No! There are many Lamas in Tibet. This one is the yellow robed Lama. Very powerful too. If he puts his hand on your head, you will be blessed for the rest of your life!” I could see the PR was very excited.
A large troop of limousines arrived. Everybody in the studio rushed towards the back seat and stuck their heads in hoping to be blessed.
I saw no one care about the monk in the front seat, so I opened the door for him.
It turned out that he was THE Lama and the fellow sitting in the back was the local monk.
The Lama was a fan of the Kung Fu movies. I staged a fighting scene specially for him and he enjoyed the whole show.
I asked him what kind of vegetarian food he liked for lunch, he answered, “The Buddha never said we should stay away from meat. He did say you should eat whatever was given to you.”
Lesson learnt
“Are monks allowed to drink alcohol?” “When I was your age I drank like a fish.” “And have sex?” getting bolder, I asked.
He answered peacefully, “there are many schools in Buddhism. In our state of higher understanding there are no limitations in life. But one should never, never harm another living thing, human beings or ants.”
“How about marijuana?”
“Some of the Tibetans use it to get closer to God. I am against overusing it.”
“How about abortion?”
“Life and death are arranged by God. If a situation forces you into it with no other choice, you are forgiven.”
I bowed deeply.
“You have asked so many questions, it’s my turn to ask you,” the Lama said. “Are you a Buddhist?”
“No,” I replied humbly. “One day I wish to become one.”
The Lama smiled and put his hand on my head.
November 15, 2024
The Eternal Scam
Years ago, I met a detective who told me the story of Ying Ying.
Old Man Chang was a junior clerk in the Hong Kong Shanghai Bank. His work was monotonous and his life boring. One night, Old Man Chang went past Temple Street, a seedy part of the town, and saw in the bookstall a magazine cover featuring a nude photo of a Japanese porn star. She wore no makeup and had the face of an angel. Old Man Chang fell in love with her immediately. An idea was born.
The next day, he brought a camera and took three shots from the magazine. One of the face of the star, one of the upper body and one of the whole body. After that, he asked a friend to print two thousand copies of each shot. He finished off by renting many mail boxes at different post offices. It was not cheap but Old Man Chang was willing to invest. He then quit his job and worked diligently at home.
He bought magazines from America, England, Canada, and Australia and jotted down potential clients from the pen pal columns. Then he sent out letters, each with a photo of the porn star’s face inside.
Dear John, Donald, Anthony, the names were different, but the content was the same: “I am Ying Ying, I am 18 years old. I come from a family of eight brothers and sisters. Our parents old and sick. Being the eldest I must work as a waitress in a bar. The customers think me pretty and come every night. They offer to take me out. Being Chinese and having high moral values I refuse and preserve me integrity.”
Chang wrote every letter neatly with a pen. Life became interesting for him. Some letters got sympathetic replies.
Chang continued to write: “My greatest wish is to go to America for further study. But alas, I even have to use my savings of thirty dollars visa application fee for me youngest sister’s medical bills.”
Thirty Hong Kong dollars was about 2 US dollars then. Everybody was willing to help. Chang thanked all of them with the utmost sincerity. Some letters asked if Ying Ying had received the payment and how her application was going.
“Do you want more money to apply for visas for other countries?”
Ying Ying replied, “How can I impose on you for more? You have done more than enough.”
The next letter came with more money inside. Among the letters the most enthusiastic one came from a lawyer from Oklahoma. Let us call him Jimmy.
“My dear Jimmy,” Ying Ying wrote, “you are my saviour! I think of you day and night. I got all excited. And unconsciously my panties was wet. To a young girl, it’s such a shameful thing for me to write to tell you this.”
Of course, the same letter was sent to Joe, Adam, Louis, Joseph and many more. “P.S. can you send me a photo of yourself showing me your muscle?” Ying Ying wrote.
More money was sent to her, including the requested photos, and they asked Ying Ying for the same.
“Dearest John, I did the boldest thing in my life. I asked my childhood girl friend to take this photo for me. Let’s say it is to repay your kindness. Will you consider me cheap? I worried……”
A half-naked photo with tilted pink tip nipples was sent. Tons of letters together with greenbacks, filled the mailboxes. The lawyer Jimmy from Oklahoma alone sent hundreds, but most generous was the guy from Saudi who sent thousands. Jimmy wrote that if Ying Ying could send him some of her pubic hair, it would make him the happiest man in the world.
Old Man Chang sent his. The others demanded the same. When Chang ran out, he had to secretly snip some from his wife’s armpits. In the Shanghainese barber shop, Chang carefully gathered up all the curly hair. Everybody thought him nuts, but he just giggled to himself.
At this point Chang made his killing.
“To my dearest, pubic hair means nothing, I want to give myself to you.”
He sent off the full frontal nude.
Jimmy went crazy and sent her the airfare.
Getting no reply, he wrote to say he was flying in to meet her. Of course there was no Ying Ying anywhere, but just a mailbox. Jimmy returned to the States and reported the case. The local police would not take it seriously as it happened overseas, but Jimmy was persistent. The case was finally handed to Interpol.
My friend the detective was hired. He ascertained which post office Jimmy’s letters had been sent to, and for weeks he watched and waited. Eventually, Old Man Chang came and opened the mailbox one day, and was caught by the detective. By that time, Chang had two million dollars in the bank.
When the judge listened to Chang’s testimony, he could not help laughing.
Chang was acquitted because of lack of evidence.
The deception act became a classic scam. Swindlers all over the world copied this trick over and over again. It is still used even now, in the age of computers with emails.
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