P.J. Fox's Blog

What Is My Duty as an Author?

Stephen King observed years ago, and I’m paraphrasing here, that there are two kinds of writers: those who write for themselves, and those who write for an audience. He was of the opinion, and I’m of the opinion, that only the first group really counts. If you’re a real writer, you never have to ask “what am I writing about next?” Your problem isn’t coming up with ideas, it’s surviving them. Yes, you may struggle endlessly to translate those ideas into something anyone else can understand, but they’re there. In the dark recesses of your mind. Breeding. You might’ve managed to write one book since the first idea that gripped you, forced you to–as Hemingway put it–sit down and bleed. You might’ve managed to write one page. But in the time that’s taken, your ideas have spawned new ideas.

Being a writer really means being a slave to them. So when people don’t like them or, at least, don’t like how you’ve managed to convey them, that sucks. But you can’t take it personally. It’s not about them, and it’s not even really about you. Which is why I don’t read my Amazon reviews, and haven’t logged into my Goodreads account more than twice in five years.

Obsessing over others’ opinions is unhealthy. I’ve observed before that your book is your soul and that’s true. People who don’t understand the comparison, or for whom it seems ridiculously overblown, haven’t written a book. And like you can’t spend your life worrying about whether you’re popular, you can’t spend your life, your writing life, doing the artistic equivalent of same. Are you an individual, with integrity, or are you a mirror?

Someone commented on my last post that it was my “duty to grow as a writer, and you can only grow if you engage with your readers, even if they think you are piss poor.” Well, now. Let’s stop and think about that statement for a minute. Is it true? Is the best way to grow as a person to prioritize the opinions of those who don’t understand you? Who maybe even hate you? I, personally, say no. The best way to grow as a person is to surround yourself with influences–people, places, and things–that elevate you. That inspire you to do and be more.

No one ever grows, at least not in a healthy direction, from a place of defensiveness. From a place of fighting for recognition, on the most basic level, as someone worthy of love. I know. I grew up in an abusive home. These days, I’m fortunate to be surrounded by people who love me. And it’s love, and acceptance, which has helped me to grow as a writer. As for the role my readers play…it depends. Feedback can often be helpful, if it’s specific. I haven’t grown, though, as a writer, from absorbing negative criticism. Of course, some people are going to dislike my books. Some people are going to dislike me! Which is, naturally, distressing. But you can’t let others’ opinions control your life. Lucius Annaeus Seneca observed, “if one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.” In other words, you have to chart your own course.

Never take advice from anyone you don’t want to be more like. That’s my axiom. How can I sift out the good advice from the bad, though, if I don’t know who I am? If writing, for me, was about pleasing the greatest number of people, I’d never have started a single book. Let alone finished one. Because pleasing others is impossible. You have to put your own dreams, your own goals, first; and then pursue them in a way that’s commensurate with your morality. Let others’ opinions of you sort themselves out along the way.

This person also asked me if criticism must always be kind. I say yes. That is, if you want anyone to listen to it. The difference between a friend and a bully, in the end, often comes down to word choice. I don’t expect anyone to listen to me, if I’m making them feel like shit. But, more importantly, I don’t want to make anyone feel like shit. I want them to come away from their interactions with me feeling better about themselves. Now, of course, that’s not always possible; I can’t control what others think and feel, and neither can anyone else, and that’s a vital point to always remember. I can only do my best, according to my perspective.

Can I decide, then, if I like–or dislike–someone based on how they treat me? Yes. That’s how the world works.

So what is, in the end, my duty to my readers? Do I have one? To answer that question, I think it’s very important to parse out me, the professional, from me the actual human being. I write books for a living. But, like everyone else with a job, I also have a life. No one’s job, and no one’s life, should obligate them to feel bad about themselves. If someone treats me like shit, I’m not going to give them the time of day; anymore than I’d expect the people working at this McDonald’s to seek out the now famous “McNugget Lady” as their new best friend.

PS: Please enjoy this picture of my lawn, and remember that the best remedy for internet induced unhappiness is getting outside.

Is Your Friend an Author?

If you’re one of the several dozen people who’s messaged me, specifically to tell me that you don’t like my books, I probably don’t like you. Not because you don’t like my books, but because you’re the kind of person who “gets to know” others by putting them down. You might not intend to hurt my feelings but…what, exactly, do you intend?

Would you walk up to someone in the supermarket, just to tell them they were ugly? That you wouldn’t engage in sexual intercourse with them, even if they were the last person on earth? Would you tell a fellow parent at your child’s school that their child was unworthy of love? Would you tell your colleague at work that his job was less meaningful than yours? I’m guessing no, you would not. Which brings me to my point: why is it okay, therefore, to say something like this to an author?

Are you the kind of person who thinks insulting someone’s life’s work is fun? Because make no mistake: you might not consider writing to be a “real” job, or important at all, but the author in question does. Before you say anything, think: would I want someone to say this, or its equivalent, to me?

A book represents more than months, even years of daily effort. Within those pages is someone else’s soul. And just like any other–usually total–stranger, they probably aren’t asking for feedback. You might, for example, think “that woman’s a dog,” but I doubt very much that she’s asked for an opinion on her attractiveness. Likewise, fairly few authors are looking to hear what’s wrong with their books–especially from, as is almost always the case, people who haven’t read them. You might have an opinion, but kindness is keeping it to yourself.

Avoid Self Publishing Scams with this One Weird Trick

“We’ll do what you can do for free! For the low, low price of ten thousand dollars!”

That’s the aptest summation I can think of, of the email I received last night. It purported, of course, to offer something incredible. A veritable treasure chest of thrills, chills…and apparently bankruptcy? But okay,  you say, what was the specific offer? It was a laundry list of services that, when paid for in combination, would catapult my next book to the top of every bestseller list. I was a little surprised that, considering this person had originally held themselves out to be an editor, “incredible” didn’t focus so much on content. But oh, well! These days, it seems like “writer” is synonymous in many minds with “easy mark.” And I’ll elaborate on this list in a moment but first I want to tell you about the conversation it sparked with my husband.

Because I sent it to him, of course. Knowing he’d get a laugh. My husband is a successful professional with several degrees; he remarked that he’d seen a number of scams like this. Apparently, the internet knows no end of bloodsuckers. He also remarked, rather dryly, that stupidity and disposable income tend to walk hand in hand. There are as many writers, and would be writers, looking for a quick fix as there are people in other industries. What makes us as writers particularly vulnerable though is that we tend to have a certain vision: of ourselves, and of what the writing life is “supposed” to be. Anyone willing to exploit that vision is almost certainly guaranteed a paycheck.

I don’t have a problem with vanity publishing. It’s been around since forever, as have vanity art galleries and vanity everything else. You can pay someone to be nice to you. I do have a problem, however, with dishonesty. It’s fine to say, for example, “I’ll upload this book to KDP for you, so you can take advantage of Amazon’s publishing platform.” It’s not fine to charge an exorbitant sum on the pretext that you’re doing something only you can do. KDP is hardly “exclusive.”

So now, without further ado, I’m going to go through the list. Why? Because not every writer out there has a law degree. Not every writer out there has written, and published, 13 novels. I’m going to keep exposing scams, whenever and wherever I find them, so you don’t get taken in. We’re all better off, in this industry, when we help each other.

Hi [redacted],

This is [redacted].

The first thing I want to point out is that she spelled her own name wrong. The second thing I want to point out is that I had to reformat this email to make it legible enough for my blog. The third thing I want to point out is that when someone’s proposing to charge me 10K, I expect a little more effort. Like, you know, a PDF or something. Especially when, further on in the email, they’re praising their own formatting. Well, SHOW ME THE FORMATTING! You’re always, you know, when you’re contacting a client, putting your best foot forward. So….

And I want to say, too, here, don’t be afraid to trust your gut. An editor should catch typos. Someone being this sloppy now, it’s like someone picking at their toenails on a first date. They’re not saving their best manners up for later.

As promised here are the details of the [redacted] package. This one is the most comprehensive package I offer and it is currently on a special discount throughout the month of May. The usual price is $9999 but it is $7777 until May 31.

I am sending you this package so you can see the range of services I offer, but if this one is too much, I can put together a custom package for you just encompassing the things you want – it can be paid via a payment plan too.

This is the [redacted] package:

Full type-setting of your manuscript

Okay, this may sound great but isn’t. You don’t need “typesetting,” this isn’t 1802. Your, like, Word program is doing the typesetting. And guess what: your book will get formatted again, and not by you and not by your editor, when it’s being readied for publication. And this is true, however you’re being published. Your manuscript is going to be a .mobi for Kindle, a PDF for printing, etc, regardless. An editor’s job is a highly specific one, having to do with content.

If you’re looking for a fantastic interior formatter, you can find him here.

Full-color cover design

Again, this isn’t something an editor does. An editor polishes your manuscript. I’d personally be really wary of anyone who holds themselves out as an editor, but whose focus is on things like cover design. Is it that they don’t know what an editor does? Or is it that they think you don’t?

If you’re looking for a fantastic cover designer, though, I have one.

And by the way, we’re up to about 500 in total costs (maybe between 500 and 700, if your book’s a long one). Formatting generally isn’t expensive and Covertopia sells gorgeous pre-made covers for 100 each that are a million times better than some custom covers I’ve seen.

A proof of your book emailed prior to printing An ISBN number and bar code

You can buy an ISBN from bowker.com, or from Amazon. You also don’t actually need one to publish on Amazon. Even so, an ISBN is a good idea; 10 ISBN’s cost 250. And proofs should always be free. I cannot stress this enough: anyone who brags about showing you their work, that they’re doing for you, for no extra cost is ripping you off. An honest, reliable professional will happily create as many proofs as it takes, to make you happy.

50 printed copies of your new book

Which are purchased either through Lulu, or through Createspace. Both of which are free to use. Do you NEED 50 copies? When you upload a book to Createspace, or indeed use KDP’s new “create a paperback” feature, it automatically becomes eligible for distribution through Amazon–and, indeed, many other channels. You don’t need to buy anything!

Ability to reorder your book at any time Internet distribution via Amazon and online book sellers

You don’t need to reorder your book! Your book, when created using any major portal, is print on demand! If you’re on the hook for paying for your books, and reselling them, you’re doing something wrong. There’s absolutely no reason for you to ever, ever, ever even SEE one of your books. Unless, of course, you decide to visit it at the bookstore.

Kindle version of your book – plus Nook, Kobo and appleibooks [sic] version

Yes, indeed: this person will enroll you in Kindle Unlimited, which gains you access to Amazon’s extended distribution network. Nook, Kobo, iBooks and Oyster! Again, this is something anyone can do, and really easily, entirely for free!

Ingram catalog for one month

It’s unclear here whether this person means Ingram Spark, which is a pay for play self publishing thing, or Ingram, which is a book catalog geared mainly at distributors. Either way, this isn’t something that I personally think is terribly useful.

Page of information about you and your book on [redacted] website

Which is this person’s own (1995 fabulous!) website. It seems mainly geared toward…new agey stuff? It’s…not professional looking. I was designing better when I was a teenager, and I was no whiz.

90% royalties

Does this person mean they give you 90% of your own earnings? Because they don’t mean “royalties.” Amazon takes its cut every time you sell a book. So for example, every time someone buys a the Kindle version of Book of Shadows for 2.99, Amazon takes roughly 0.99 and I take roughly 2. The 2 is my royalties: what I earn, after my publisher (in this case, for this book, Amazon) takes to both recoup costs incurred on my behalf and earn a profit. There are definitely people out there who are okay with giving away their hard earned money when they don’t have to, but I’m not one of them. I don’t need someone taking who knows how many cuts off the top, especially after taking 10K, for uploading something to a website.

A final edit and proofread of your book

Ah, finally we get to the editing!

The blurb written on the back cover of your book

Most authors write their own.

Two press releases written and distributed to ten online PR sites

Which PR sites? For this amount of money I want to know. Well, for any amount of money I want to know; but as my husband put it, for this kind of money someone is impliedly holding themselves out to have some pretty amazing–and exclusive–contacts. This is “industry insider” kind of money. Actually, he may have said something about shitting gold bricks.

Book sales page – online with links to your book for sale and other info – (does not include

hosting or domain name purchase)

A book sales page where? Amazon gives me an author page for free.

Contacts list of 30 website owners and media representatives to approach about your book, together with an example email Book Trailer and upload to 5 video sites

What website owners? What media representatives? And to…approach? So I’m supposed to fork over the down payment on a house for “approach?”

An outline marketing plan to show you quick and easy steps that you can take daily (no more than 15-20 minutes of your time per day).

Hey, for 10K I thought someone else was doing the marketing!

Amazon top book reviewers contacted to read and then write a review of your book. One hundred reviewers will be contacted.

You can contact them, too, through Fiverr. They usually charge between 5 and 20 per review. And I do know of authors who’ve bought hundreds, even thousands of reviews. Although with Amazon’s recent crackdown on pay for play reviewing, even on positive mentions from Facebook friends, this has become–if it wasn’t already–a serious waste. There’s no reliable means of controlling your reviews, in quality or number. If there were, every author would have thousands. And they’d all be awesome!

Kindle marketing strategies used to get your book high up in the rankings plus advertising on 5 kindle websites Social media set up in facebook [sic] and Twitter and Youtube if you don’t already have those set up – design of banners, etc included.

Sooo…Facebook is free. Twitter is free. Kindle website? What now? I really like it when editors’ sentences make sense. Moreover, “Kindle marketing strategies,” beyond selecting the right keywords, are against Amazon’s TOS. Try to move your book up in the rankings by any other means, and you’ll get banned.

Five tweets about your book sent to my 70k followers.

Wow, five whole tweets!

Initial kindle advertising techniques applied to move your book up

the bestsellers rankings…

Okay, so how is this different than a few sentences ago?

Let me know if you have questions about any part of the process.

Many blessings,

[redacted]

So…yeah. That’s that. Please, please don’t throw your money at people who promise things they can’t deliver. Oh, and one more thing. Did you notice what was missing? Yeah, I did, too. Any examples of her work, etc. Editors should be able to furnish you with lists of books they’ve edited, with writers eager to extol their virtues. Likewise, graphic designers should have covers! And they should never, ever be the same person!

 

Aspiring Writers: Stop This Immediately

This is important.

Very, very important.

Do not, and I repeat do not email, tweet, DM, Facebook message, or otherwise contact me asking for advice when you don’t know who I am. And do not, and I repeat do not do this while also insulting me. Remember that old Yiddish proverb: don’t waste your time trying to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig. Likewise, I’m going to be annoyed–and think a whole lot less of you. Because I know that, chances are, you’ve sent the exact same missive to a dozen other people. Or more. And that you’re not invested enough in your own success to ask yourself the most important question: is this someone I want to be more like?

You should never take advice from anyone you don’t want to be more like.

Commonly, people message me asking for advice about the craft, or their career, and are unable to name a single one of my books. How’d they find me? Who knows! I’m not such a megalomaniac that I think everyone needs to read my books but if you haven’t, how on earth can you know whether you want my advice? More than one person has contacted me, told me quite confidently that no they haven’t read my books, and then rhapsodized about how they want to be just like Brandon Sanderson. Putting aside the fact that no one ever set the river on fire with plagiarism, however well-intended, I am nothing like Brandon Sanderson. If you love his stuff, you’re going to hate mine. So listen up, Sanderson-ites: I am the last, the very last person whose creative depths you want to plumb.

And he and I, our careers are also nothing alike. Asking someone who made a conscious, mindful decision to reject traditional publishing for advice on how to succeed within the framework of traditional publishing is…not logical. Now, do you want to talk about traditional publishing and racism? I’m your girl!

People also contact me, via Wattpad, to ask if I have any advice on either a) growing one’s follower base or b) growing one’s writing abilities. Why yes, I do. A ten second perusal of my profile is going to indicate that. And my purpose isn’t to call anyone out, here, or to be mean but–come on. You’re going to get more out of your conversation with me if you’re actually, like, talking to me. You know, the individual. As opposed to spamming everyone with a story that’s gotten over a million reads. You’re not just wasting my time, in this scenario; you’re also, (much) more importantly to you, wasting your own.

And finally, don’t insult me.

Don’t tell me, someone you’ve literally never interacted with before, that you write for love. That you don’t care about filthy lucre, that you’re not like those assholes who only do this to turn a profit. That’s kind of putting me down, dude. And, thus, not starting our relationship off on a high note. The fact is, writing is a bitch of a career and all of us, regardless of our level of success, are doing it out of love.

No one–no one sane, anyway–decides to make some “easy money” by pouring their heart and soul out. You write for profit, because you’d still be writing if you were alone on a desert island but the vagaries of modern society mean you’ve still gotta eat. The average self-published writer, according to Forbes, makes 5,000 USD per year. The average traditionally published (as in Top Five) author, meanwhile, makes the far princelier sum of 10,000 USD. Those of us in the “winner’s circle,” the top 5% of earners, often make as much as a cashier at a supermarket!

So listen. I want to make friends. I really do. But you’ve got to do your part, by…well, doing something.

Reasons to Join My Facebook Group

My books now have their own Facebook group. And you should totally join it. Why? Because the imaginatively titled P.J. Fox Books is a forum for discussing my books–those already in bookstores as well as those on Radish and Wattpad–as well as any book, or writing related issues (or questions!) you may have. In addition, you can:

Offer your input on my characters, storylines, etc.
Tell me what you’d like to see me write next.
Tell me what topics you’d like me to cover on this blog.
Gossip.
See pictures of my dog.

See? It’s set. You should join.

What’s Next?

So, Fallen is out. This, despite all the drama surrounding its release, makes me happy. It’s lucky number thirteen, and I’m proud of it. But, like everyone else, I celebrate my big successes at work by going to work the next day. Which begs the question…what’s next? I have a couple of ideas in the works, because I always do, but I also have three half finished manuscripts. And I’m going to finish them! First up is Owned; I’m hoping to be done with that sometime within the next couple of weeks. You can read it on Radish, or on Wattpad; eventually, it’ll become a “real” book. As for the timeline on that…sometime toward the end of summer? Maybe this fall? Then, after I finish Owned, it’s back to Devour Me (formerly The Witch King). And then, honestly…I’ll probably write something else before I go back to Predators in the Mist.

If Owned and Devour Me come out this year, then that’ll be three books released in 2017. Not too bad! As for my as yet unnamed mystery book, the one I’m talking about starting soon…I’m honestly deciding between a couple of different ideas. What would you like to see me write next?

Don’t Hire Smith Publicity

This morning, I woke up to a new review on Fallen. Which is to be expected; Fallen just came out this week. Disappointingly, but not unusually, the book got two stars. Heck, I’ve had so-called “friends” leave me two and three star reviews. Most of whom, incidentally, are aspiring writers. No, what made this review special was two things: first, that the woman leaving it stated repeatedly that she couldn’t understand what the book was about and, second, that I paid 3,200 USD for her insights.

Now…did I mean to do that?

No. What I’d meant to do, back in March, was hire a publicist. I went with Smith Publicity, because the firm was supposedly a leader. Even, I might add, despite my initial misgivings. I don’t have the greatest self-esteem, which many authors don’t, so I questioned whether I was overreacting to what struck me as an initially critical tone. I was a dumb bunny housewife who wrote “dark” books as a form of escapism from my brutally dull life. Or, at least, that was how these folks planned on pitching me. When I explained that I wasn’t that, and that I wrote from a place of truth, I instantly became a subject of sick fascination. As my husband and I agreed yesterday, when we (again) discussed the issue, they were “creepy.”

Not a single person there wanted to pitch my book, or even really cared about–or, by their own admission–read my book. What they wanted to pitch, what they kept asking me about and asking me to write about, was my personal life. And by personal life, I mean my very personal life. Apparently the folks at Smith Publicity–again, by their own admission–see me as a “lifestyle brand.” I finally pulled the plug when it was suggested that I write an article (or five) to pitch to HuffPo about kinky sex. Specifically, my kinky sex.

Had everyone forgotten that I was an author?

What I’d wanted, when I’d hired a publicist, was exposure for my book. Did I actually get any? Well, no. Not really. Over the space of a month, I was pitched to two “blogs” (one hosted by Blogger and the other a Facebook page), both of whom cut and pasted words I’d written. Neither of whom, again, had read my book or appeared to even know what it was about. Much like the woman above, one of the “reviewers” these people contacted. Which is all especially ironic, considering that Smith Publicity used my own words. Even for their highly touted initial press release, they cut and pasted.

Over the period of a month, I wrote over 20,000 words of copy for them. When the “tell the world about your sex life” article idea came up, my husband thought for a minute and was like–wait. You’re paying them. Aren’t they supposed to be doing some of the work?

Well, ideally. What actually happened was that, for the grand price of 3,200 USD per month, my “publicist” suggested work that I could do on her behalf. She avoided my questions about how this campaign was actually going, and what results she and I might realistically hope to achieve. The more direct I got, the more vague she got. Which pretty much reinforced my belief that this was a vanity enterprise–and a scam. You pay the nice people lots of money, and in return they tell you what you want to hear. All while doing absolutely nothing.

In addition to being a dumb bunny housewife whose got more to offer people between her legs than in her mind, I’m also an attorney and one of the first cases I remember reading in law school was one about a would-be haberdasher. She was a gentlewoman with a strange disposition and a small, yipping dog. Illustrated in her plight, however, was an important principle: that of best efforts. As in, you’re required to give them. And you, by entering into a contract, are pretty much agreeing that–well, basically, that you give a fuck. Is getting someone no one’s ever heard of to cut and paste something to a Facebook page worth 3,200 USD? Is it best efforts?

Of course, as I began by explaining, I did get a third thing out of my experience: a “reviewer” who literally couldn’t make heads nor tails of my book. Which is…not a literary read. At all. I mean, maybe if watching BBC’s Pride and Prejudice feels like slogging through Ulysses. Maybe.

I kept trying to talk to the folks at Smith Publicity about feminism, etc, all the themes that are central to this book and central to all my books. They kept responding with, wow, so you and your husband have sex? Really? What’s that like? I lasted a month into our two month so-called “campaign,” after which point I fired them. They promised me a refund for the second month (in writing), but so far I’ve yet to see any movement on that.

Now, Smith Publicity justifies their prices on the strength of their “industry contacts.” Which are, when they pitch to you, described as wonderful. Special. Unique. A huge file of important, influential people that they’ve built up over a decade. People with whom they’ve cultivated all these special relationships! So when you’re paying them, what you’re really paying for is access. The problem is that, once you sign on the dotted line, all that excitement–and urgency–goes away. Along with all their claims. Suddenly it’s, “well, nobody’s heard of this blog [read: Facebook page], but its readers are really devoted!”

And listen, I get it. No one can guarantee results. I have a sizable investment portfolio with a bank you’ve heard of and it’s right there at the bottom of every disclosure, every prospectus, every communication of any kind. Any even reasonably sophisticated person knows this. But there’s also a reason why some banks, and bankers, are more successful than others. Generally, prices stay in line with what the market will bear; in other words, the Magellan Fund and Berkshire Hathaway, as mutual funds, are justified in taking a greater percentage of your earnings. Whereas what Smith Publicity did, in my opinion, was pretend to be the Magellan Fund when in actuality they were the publicity equivalent of someone who’d just gotten their series 7.

In other words, however hard they think they work, and however hard they actually work, they shouldn’t be charging anyone what they do.

Price points create expectations; if I was unreasonable to hope for more than a “blog tour” consisting of a Facebook page, then I fault their transparency. These aren’t “industry contacts;” I could’ve put together a better blog tour in a day, just by contacting other authors, would be authors, and reading enthusiasts. You know, from my own life. And if Smith Publicity really feels like I, and others like me, should feel as though we’re getting our money’s worth–then they need to charge less. Plain and simple.

So am I going to repeat this mistake, with a different publicist?

Doubtful. My month with these people made me feel like a freak show exhibit. I have never felt more judged, more pigeonholed, more the subject of–really inappropriate–curiosity. Even on Facebook. Even on Twitter. Even during middle school. It was a struggle, in the end a losing struggle, to get anyone to actually care about my book. I did a tremendous amount of work, which I paid to do. Which is, in the end, really the most humiliating part. And all I have to show for it is this lousy two star review.

Putting a Price on Friendship

I’m not going to debate the efficacy of multi level marketing; if you’re convinced that selling dildos (or overpriced Saran Wrap, or whatever) is going to make you a millionaire, then by all means continue on with your dream. What I am going to tell you is that using my friendship as a stepping stone on your personal path to greatness is going to end it. And now I’m going to tell you why. But first I’m going to reiterate that no, it isn’t your sideline I find offensive; by all means, shill for that lipstick. It’s the fact that you’re using me, and I know you’re using me. Even if you won’t admit as much.

Someone send me a friend request on Facebook today, after I “liked” a photo of hers. A little later on, she messaged me to tell me how “awesome” I seemed and how she really wanted to get to know me better and oh, by the way, I could earn a living doing what I (apparently) did already: evangelize on health and fitness. So, clearly, someone who’s never met me before. I am…the furthest thing from a fitness guru you’re apt to meet. My exercise style is sloth. Yes, I happen to be mostly vegan but that has nothing to do with fitness and everything to do with ethics. And, quite honestly, health. But this girl didn’t know this and something else she didn’t know was that she wasn’t even the first person to contact me this morning!

As someone with an established social media presence, however small, I’m a prime target. I know this. Just about everyone who approaches me has some fantasy of me joining their downline and magically transforming them into a millionaire by bullying my readers into buying their crummy product. Which, no, I’m never going to do. I value my integrity, which is why I want my readers to know, to 1,000% trust that my opinion is my opinion. I don’t use any “direct sales” products, myself, because the business model offends me on a deeply personal level and because I think the products suck.

My books, my career, my life aren’t tools for someone else’s arsenal. But just as common as the people who think, “oh, goody, she’s a Z list celebrity” are those who can barely even remember my name. But we went to high school together, or something, and now they need to make some quick cash. And to those people I say: if you’re going to try to use me, at least make some modicum of effort. Don’t commiserate with me about how “unfulfilling” it is to be a SAHM; lots of SAHM’s are perfectly fulfilled and besides, I’m not one. Don’t suggest that I want to earn more money, or that I must be unhappy with my husband’s current earnings. I’m not, and besides, I married him and not his wallet. Please, at least try to remember that I have a job and what that job is.

A particularly onerous segment of would be millionaires takes the “if you’re my friend, then you’ll spend money on me” approach. To which my response is to ask this question: in what other area of life would such an attitude be acceptable? How is “buy my smelly, low grade wax or we’re over” any different than “spot me ten bucks or else?” Once you start quantifying friendship in those terms, it’s not friendship. Friendship is about who I am; not what you can earn from me.

On Friendship

Yesterday, my dog taught my son how to pop bubble wrap.

My son was sad, because a package had come and that package wasn’t for him. He wasn’t expecting a present, nor was there anything he needed. He just wanted a certain excitement, and was let down. Now Thor, in response, didn’t chide him for being silly; he didn’t tell Jackson (certainly not directly but also not indirectly) “there’s no good reason to cry.” He didn’t abandon him to cry alone. Instead he pulled a sheet of bubble wrap from the box and placed it on the floor. Then he stepped on a bubble, and popped it. Then he nosed at my son, indicating that it was his turn. Soon they were happily popping bubbles together.

We love dogs because they have something that we, as humans, tend to lack. That one thing, which makes all the difference. Empathy. For every person who wants to judge the worth of your words, the validity of your emotions, or who wants to rail at you for having had the temerity to upset them, there’s a dog who just wants to hug. Who knows that it’s not about being right but being good; who offers of themselves purely, and without resentment. Dogs give, because they want to.

We live in a world where being right has long ago eclipsed being kind. Where vindication feels good–sometimes too good. And where it’s the easiest thing in the world to dismiss someone’s pain, someone’s very existence, from your mind. Relationships, for the most part, are disposable. Don’t like someone? Subtweet them! Why take the high road, when you can get high on being the superior person? I’ve been known to make the point that bullying is still such a problem in this world, because ten out of ten bullies, when confronted, disagree that they’re bullies. “You hurt my feelings,” for far too many of us, means nothing; the specter of “I might’ve conceivably done something wrong” is easily wiped away with a blanket “you’re wrong.”

If someone’s feelings are hurt, well, that’s their fault. They shouldn’t be so sensitive! They should–they should what, exactly? Conform, I suppose. Not say, or do anything, which in any way challenges anyone else. The sad truth, though, is that one person’s dismissal–“I didn’t hurt your feelings, because I said I didn’t and if I did, well, your feelings were stupid to begin with”–doesn’t a situation fix. Nor a heart mend. The request for empathy often results in such toxicity, maybe, because it shines a light on this problem. “You refuse to see me, and yet I exist.”

Indifference can be crippling. So is being denied that most basic right: acceptance. “I do not know, so I will not try to own, your pain.” This is the difference between walking out of the room when someone is crying and teaching them to pop bubble wrap. My dog understands how to be a friend; I think I, we all, should take a lesson from him.

What Is a Real Dominant?

What–and who–is a real dominant?

I’ll start by saying that I’m not one. This piece is written from the perspective of a submissive, one who’s been loved and cherished by the same man for over a decade. We’re married, and we have a wonderful son whom we both adore. My husband, who is also my strength and my courage and my reason for being, has earned the title of Master. Of Sir. Of husband. Not because we had a certain kind of sex, or signed a certain kind of contract. A relationship, of any kind, is never created by those things. And a D/s relationship is, first and foremost, a relationship. Trust comes before obedience, and submission–like all expressions of love–is earned. My husband earns, and rewards my love every day.

A dominant is not someone who likes anal, or who knows a lot about Japanese rope bondage. A dominant might or might not have a playroom. He might or might not wear a suit to work, or ever at all. He might or might not be rich, although he will always be hardworking. He might or might not have ever heard of Gor, or own a single toy.

What he is, is someone capable of taking responsibility for another human being’s health: physical, sexual, mental, emotional, and spiritual. He is capable of doing this and, what’s more, he feels fulfilled by doing this. If the sex is mind-blowing, it’s not just because he knows what he’s doing; the root of sexual gratification in a D/s relationship is the profound bond of trust between the partners. And yes, he almost certainly knows what he’s doing; a dominant is, by nature, invested in his partner. His pleasure is hers. Now are there other dynamics at work? Of course. But, like in (healthy) relationships of all kinds, every interplay is equal and consensual.

The fashion in literature, right now, is for “dominants” who are cold, aloof, and unfeeling. They use the D/s dynamic to distance themselves from love and, even more troubling in some respects, from responsibility. In the real world, the one us kinksters inhabited long before Fifty Shades of Grey came out, a common concept is that the submissive has all the power. She (or he) is the one who says “no.” No one should ever be pushed into doing something that makes them question themselves, or feel bad about themselves. And submission is not about healing the dominant. Yes, we all have our issues and no one is perfect; but, inside the bedroom or out, your partner is never your punching bag.

A real dominant might have a need for control, but that need doesn’t come from a place of anger and insecurity. He isn’t forcing his partner to give him what, in his resentment, he thinks the world doesn’t. He isn’t entitled. A man who needs to force a woman, to do anything, to feel power isn’t a dominant. He’s an abuser. He isn’t ready to be in a relationship, or even potentially to inhabit earth and calling himself “Master” doesn’t change that.

A real dominant is already in control: of himself, first and foremost. In entering into a relationship, he’s sharing a power that he already possesses, and that he knows he already possesses. He is secure enough in his masculinity to be nurturing, caring, and kind. He knows that if he hasn’t earned what he wants, from the world at large or from his partner, the fault is his. He understands that his partner is a princess. He doesn’t pop out stones from her crown, to make it easier to carry; he makes himself stronger.