Randy Kamen's Blog, page 13
October 13, 2015
Ten Keys to Building Better Friendships and Greater Happiness
As women, friendships are essential to well-being. They provide a unique intimacy that differs from the bonds shared with partners or other family members. Research repeatedly shows that women are healthiest, happiest and most resilient when they have good, supportive friendships.
Friendships act as a buffer against the stress in our tumultuous lives. They boost our well-being and shape who we are and who we hope to become.
Being able to share from our hearts and reveal our true selves with a circle of loving and supportive friends makes our dreams and intentions seem entirely possible.
As women we are hardwired for this kind of attachment. We laugh, cry, talk and engage in a way that helps us navigate our way through challenges and losses. We tend to band together for protection and support.
One study showed that most women feel more attractive and experience higher self-esteem when connected to women friends. Another powerful study of almost 3,000 nurses with breast cancer found that women without close friends were four times more likely to die from cancer than were their women counterparts with 10 or more friends. Interestingly, having a spouse did not affect survival rates.
Friendships a Predictor of Quality of Life
Social support also helps us to lower blood pressure, protects us against cardiovascular disease and dementia, and reduces the risk of depression.
When we have our “tribe,” “team,” “sanga” —our community in place—we continue to learn and grow from each other. For example when a romantic relationship ends, women tend to turn to their friends for closeness and support. Friendships carry us through the most challenging times and can be our most enduring relationships.
Decline of Friendships
Even though we know the importance of social networks—there has been a decline over the past 40 years in women’s friendships and experience of happiness.
One study showed that in 1985 most people reported having three close friends as compared to the number zero that many revealed more recently. Having few or no close friends puts us at greater risk for poor health than obesity, lack of exercise, and smoking.
Ten Steps to Fortify Friendships and Happiness
Build your community of at least five friends. Choose friends that you trust and can share the important stuff of your life. Join a group or community of friends if these relationships are not already in place. It may take time to put together your network but your health and happiness hinge upon these vital connections.
Reach out to your friend rather than hoping that certain people will include you or reach out to you first. Make dates and plans together and stick to those commitments.
Listen actively and deeply to the words and nonverbal communication that your friend conveys. Consider “tone over content” matters most. Check out with her to make sure you understand what is being communicated.
Surround yourself with friends make you happy. More often than not you feel a sense of joy after spending time together. If you consistently feel let down after an encounter, reassess the importance you wish to give to this friendship. This is about valuing your own time and preserving your emotional well-being.
Create rituals. Girls night out, periodic outings, dinner or lunch dates are great ways to spend time together. Celebrate each other’s life passages is another way of building a deeper sense of connection and fun into your life.
Be patient with your friends. Listen even when the conversation doesn’t grab your interest. Allow yourself to attend to what is important to her and trust that she will offer the same kindness in turn.
Be quick to forgive and assume the best. Keep in mind that we are all imperfect. It’s better to err on the side of generosity and forgive. This is best for your own health and fosters the relationship.
Savor time with friends. Stop the texting or glancing at your phone and devote your complete attention. This will make your friend feel cared for and you better able to listen authentically
Celebrate each other’s accomplishments. We tend to rush to the aid of friends around losses and hardship. Sharing successes with your friends strengthens your bond happiness factor.
Be compassionate. Practice loving-kindness. Keep an open mind about how the relationships should go. Be present for whatever comes up. Writing the script for any friendship limits its potential.
The unique bonds that women establish together often run deep and can outlast relationships with partners. There is no manual for how to navigate through these sometimes complex relationships. Friendships require our time and commitment in order for us to thrive throughout the life cycle.
What are doing to fortify your friendships?
October 3, 2015
The Two Words You Need to Say More in Your Hospital
Two of the most powerful words you can say to a person are those we learned as toddlers: Thank you.
At a basic level, showing appreciation for others is expected. However, when gratitude is internalized — when it becomes a central element of who you are — it has extremely positive effects on individuals’ personal and professional lives as well as workplace culture.
Appreciation is an especially relevant virtue in healthcare. Of all human attributes, gratitude has the strongest link to mental health. The effects of an authentic sense of appreciation include increased happiness and optimism, improved physical health and heightened productivity. Gratitude in the workplace may perhaps be one of the greatest predictors of corporate health, for the bottom line tends to benefit when employees feel valued and respected.
Yet true thankfulness is an endangered virtue in contemporary society, in which we are generally preoccupied with our wants and what we lack. Oftentimes, we base the value of people on their output.
“Unfortunately, I think way too many leaders don’t understand how critical it is to create an engaged workforce to achieve incredibly difficult goals,” says Nancy Schlichting CEO of Detroit-based Henry Ford Health System. “The best companies use gratitude to encourage everyone to give their best work.”
Ms. Schlichting says it’s the CEO’s responsibility to create an environment where everyone can reach their full potential, and a culture of appreciation is essential to this.
“Gratitude is vital,” she says. “Many leaders don’t pay attention to the good things; they only focus on the bad. People need to be recognized both individually and collectively for the work they are doing.”
The value of “thank you” in the workplace
The positive effects of gratitude are immense, and many traverse from an individual’s personal life to his or her work ethic and performance at work, whether in the C-suite or on the hospital frontlines.
Numerous studies have linked gratitude to increased motivation and energy, better sleep, improved health and reduced stress and sadness, according to psychologist Neel Burton, MD, author of Heaven and Hell: The Psychology of the Emotions.
“Grateful people are much more engaged with their environment, leading to greater personal growth and self-acceptance, and stronger feelings of purpose, meaning and specialness,” says Dr. Burton. “For the company, this can translate into a more creative and productive workforce.”
According to Dr. Burton, showing appreciation for one another bonds people in a mutually supportive and sustaining network of social relationships. “It is the foundation of the type of society in which people can look after one another without coercion, incentives or interference, which, unlike gratitude, demean rather than exalt us,” he says.
The type of society Dr. Burton describes is precisely the kind healthcare organizations should try to emulate in their culture — one in which collaboration, helpfulness and appreciation are the norm.
This is not to say that gratitude and healthy competition are fundamentally incompatible elements of workplace culture, according to Randy Kamen, EdD, a psychologist, educator and author of Behind the Therapy Door: Simple Strategies to Transform Your Life. However, the goal behind any kind of competition should be to inspire employees to give their personal best.
“It’s not about stepping on someone’s head to get to the top,” says Dr. Kamen. “That’s where your sense of self erodes. If you’re hurting someone to get to the next level, there is no way you can feel better about yourself.”
Employee morale touches every aspect of a company, from talent retention and recruiting to workplace stress, wellbeing, productivity and absenteeism, and showing employees how they are valued and appreciated is intimately bound to morale, according to Dr. Kamen, who also presents on positive psychology to senior executives of Fortune 500 and Fortune 100 companies.
“The biggest thing is feeling valued, seen and appreciated,” she says. “We all have this deep need to feel valued and recognized for what we do and how we spend our days.”
How to cultivate gratitude
In contemporary American culture, there is a greater propensity for negativity than positivity, which makes cultivating gratitude challenging. However, everyone can develop a true sense of thankfulness if they are willing to put in the effort, according to Dr. Kamen.
Individually, one common method is keeping a gratitude journal and recording experiences and memories you appreciate most. According to Dr. Kamen, these experiences can be anything from a great cup of coffee to an afternoon spent with a friend to observing something beautiful in nature.
Another method people use to heighten their sense of appreciation is gratitude mediation, in which one enters a relaxed state of mind, engages in deep breathing and concentrates on one thing he or she is thankful for 10-20 seconds. In doing so, the short-term experience becomes a long-term memory, effectively hardwiring appreciation into the brain.
Although it is more challenging to cultivate gratitude on a larger, companywide scale, “the way our society is moving now, it is becoming imperative,” says Dr. Kamen.
The initiative to develop gratitude in an organization’s culture must start from the top down, according to Dr. Kamen. This means the leadership must demonstrate it by making an effort to show appreciation to workers in private and public.
“The leadership needs to demonstrate it — to live it — rather than just say, ‘Here’s a bonus because you did well,'” says Dr. Kamen. “Besides working for a paycheck, peoples’ jobs are their lives. People want to be seen, acknowledged and appreciated, and when they aren’t, there is job dissatisfaction.”
In fact, receiving explicit appreciation is often a more powerful motivator than financial incentives (as long as employees are paid fairly). In 2013, roughly 80 percent of 2,000 Americans responding to a survey said receiving gratitude made them work harder, according to the Wall Street Journal. In 2011, after analyzing 50 studies, researchers at the London School of Economics published a paper concluding people try their hardest at work if they are interested in the subject matter, if they feel it provides meaning and purpose, and if others show appreciation for what they’re doing.
Kwabena “Bobo” Blankson, MD, a pediatrician with subspecialty training in adolescent medicine and a medical consultant with GoodThink, a positive psychology consulting firm, says this is no surprise.
“At some point, we seem to figure it out — that being more successful and making more money doesn’t actually lead to happiness,” says Dr. Blankson. “The opposite is true: Happiness leads to success. Being appreciated and valued by an employer turns out to be far more important to being a successful employee than being offered a bonus.”
Ms. Schlichting says she’s seen firsthand how much her colleagues and staff appreciate a call, note or email thanking them for their work. To give recognition for team achievements, a “thank you” might be delivered in the form of an ice cream party or social event. The health system also gives out individual and team awards — often during important annual meetings with the board of trustees — to ensure leadership sees and appreciates those who work hard.
“It’s so important to show appreciation and gratitude to people in healthcare because these people are doing amazing and difficult work every day,” says Ms. Schlichting. “Not everyone can do jobs in healthcare because of the physical, emotional and intellectual challenges involved. Each job is vitally important and nothing is easy.”
Other ways organizations can show their employees how much they are appreciated include creating a blog or newsletter featuring employees’ achievements and hard work, hosting social outings, catering meals or even giving balloons, Dr. Kamen suggests.
Cultivating genuine gratitude takes work. “It is not a technique or a stratagem, but a complex and refined moral disposition,” Dr. Burton wrote in an article published by Psychology Today. While developing a true sense of thankfulness takes deliberate effort, anyone can do so, and it behooves all working people, especially leaders, to try.
September 23, 2015
Episode 21: Guilt, Perfection and Motherhood
Click to watch Episode 21 GUILT, PERFECTION AND MOTHERHOOD from my video series “Strategies to Spark Your Week.” Enjoy and share!
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August 25, 2015
Mind Body Green: The 7 Secrets of Happy Couples
Dr. Randy Kamen’s advice for happy couple was featured on MindBodyGreen:
Do you notice happy couples around you and wonder how they continue to have fun together year after year? Of course, appearances aren’t everything — and there’s often more to relationships than meets the eye.
That said, there are certain couples who have a palpable level of trust and respect for one another that makes it harder for us to imagine them fighting about the silly stuff that most of us get into.
So … What are they doing to maintain this high level of connection?
Well, the truth is that most, if not all, couples have their differences. They fight and have moments in which they are deeply frustrated with one another. And there are times when even the happiest couples look just like unhappy couples!
However, there are some important distinctions between happy and unhappy couples. Basically, happy couples know how to fight fairly and how to continue to strengthen their bond.
With practice, we can all develop the following skills that fortify relationships:
1. Happy couples trust each other.
Even when happy couples disagree they trust their partner to be kind, faithful, honest — to care and to have their best interests at heart.
Researcher John Gottman found that couples who trust each other live healthier and longer lives. He found that trust is related to the release of oxytocin, which is the feel good, “bonding” hormone. It’s the same hormone secreted when we have an orgasm — and the stronger the orgasm, the more oxytocin we secrete.
Happy couples tune into one another and step up when the other is in need. When disagreements arise, they default to trusting and forgiving rather than doubting and begrudging.
2. Happy couples don’t despair about their differences.
They know that their differences exist — and sometimes these differences are quite dramatic. Every couple has their ongoing clashes in which their personalities and preferences collide. They notice, ”There it is again — that dance that we do when you do what you do and I do what I do.” But noticing and judging are very different.
Gottman’s research reveals that most marital conflicts are unresolvable. But this doesn’t necessarily mean despair. It all comes down to perspective.
Happy couples duke it out fairly knowing that, even with an unresolvable conflict, they are in it for the long haul. They can tolerate the feelings that arise from a dispute and may even accept or laugh about their differences.
3. Happy couples are kind.
They know that their words and behaviors count. Arguments are not a free-for-all. They take care about the words they choose to express frustration and disappointment.
The intention in their communication is to listen carefully and tell their truth kindly. Even when the message to be delivered is difficult to say — it is said with honesty and compassion.
This builds a reservoir of trust and safety. Listening deeply to your partner allows him or her to feel truly seen and heard which is what we all long for.
4. Happy couples can successfully repair the damage.
We all have within us the potential to speak or act badly. It’s about being able to successfully manage the harm or hurt. Happy couples can empathize, apologize and forgive.
The key is to remain conscious of how we express ourselves and listen to our partners. The way we deliver messages is more important than the words we use. Keep in mind that “tone always trumps content.” For example you can say, “I heard you.” Depending upon the tone of voice used, the meaning can vary wildly.
5. Happy couples schedule fun.
They share conversations where they recall sweet memories. They offer up what they love about each other, which can jump-start loving feelings and diffuse bad ones.
But they also don’t rely on thinking about the honeymoon phase to fuel the fire of their relationship in the present and into the future. Rather, they build on the pre-existing strengths of the relationship by scheduling fun experiences together that keep things new and fresh. They may even choose to spend time with other couples who have a healthy bond, which reinforces the positivity in their own relationship.
6. Happy couples have rituals.
They generally go to bed at the same time and wish each other good morning and good night regardless of how they feel and usually add a hug or kiss. They connect during the day, not only because they love each other and have the desire to be in touch, but because they realistically acknowledge that relationships are a practice.
7. Happy couples behave like good friends.
They handle their conflicts in primarily positive ways. They honor their individual needs and their shared goals — helping each other realize their goals and dreams. They do what they can to promote and safeguard each other’s happiness.
Most importantly, happy couples are committed to working hard on keeping their connection strong. They don’t take each other for granted and they actively practice these strategies and acts of lovingkindness.
August 18, 2015
Episode 20: 10 Strategies to Help Navigate After an Affair
Click to watch Episode 20 TEN STRATEGIES TO HELP NAVIGATE AFTER AN AFFAIR from my video series “Strategies to Spark Your Week.” Enjoy and share!
August 11, 2015
Episode 19: The 10 Keys to Building Better Friendships and More Happiness
Click to watch Episode 19 THE 10 KEYS TO BUILDING BETTER FRIENDSHIPS AND MORE HAPPINESS from my video series “Strategies to Spark Your Week.” Enjoy and share!
July 28, 2015
Episode 18: The Seven Secrets of Happy Couples – Strategies to Spark Your Week”
Click to watch Episode 18 THE SEVEN SECRETS OF HAPPY COUPLES from my video series “Strategies to Spark Your Week.” Enjoy and share!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkBUAXXnqko
July 14, 2015
Episode 17: “Self Talk and Self Compassion – Strategies to Spark Your Week”
Click to watch Episode 17 SELF TALK AND SELF COMPASSION from my video series “Strategies to Spark Your Week.” Enjoy and share!
July 8, 2015
Episode 16: “Overcoming Unhealthy Communication – Strategies to Spark Your Week”
Click to watch Episode 16 OVERCOMING UNHEALTHY COMMUNICATION from my video series “Strategies to Spark Your Week.” Enjoy and share!
June 22, 2015
Episode 15: “Juggling Multiple Demands of a Caregiver – Strategies to Spark Your Week”
Click to watch Episode 15 JUGGLING MULTIPLE DEMANDS OF A CAREGIVER from my video series “Strategies to Spark Your Week.” Enjoy and share!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQn5Ghwo4Ec&feature=youtu.be
