James Hauenstein's Blog, page 42

47 Years Later

If you haven't read my lastPostyet,you might be wondering where I have been.Well,I have been out sick with the flu.I am back with a vengeance though.Or,like my kids like to describe me,I am back embarrassing myself!I'll tell you why.Remember back when you were inHigh Schooland it was a beautiful day outside?You were driving around,after school,in whatever junk car you could afford?And that one song came on the radio that just made you feel wonderful inside so you decided to sing along with your windows down?You would be drumming on the steering wheel,swaying your long hair backand forth,and moving as much as you could in the front seat of your car,as if you are dancing?Remember?Now,come back to today's reality,47 years later,and you are feeling fantastic again after a bout with the flu.A car full ofMillennialslook overand see thisBoomer.Who is bald,with a scruffy beard,in his 60's,and he is doing the same thing he was when he was young to the songTrue FaithbyNew Order!I'm car dancing because I feel so good now!
This is,The Only Thing Missing Was The Ponytail I Used To Wear,Jim Hauenstein,
And,
"Because your consciousness is in the now, the day seems long, but the years fly by!"- James Hauenstein -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Oooops. I Said Something Political. Let The Hate Mail Begin!

First,my computer was down for repairsand now I have the flu!I guess the little gremlins are against me writing everyday on myBlogfor some reason.Maybe they are saving me from myself by not letting me comment on ourPolitical Situation!Don't worry about me though.I do not have theCoronavirusor do I have to worry about getting it.Because our full of $#!?Presidentsays,Trump Claims Coronavirus Will “Miraculously” Go Away by AprilBy Bess Levin for VanityFair.comOn Monday, the death toll from the coronavirus topped 1,018, with World Health Organization director general Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus warning that recent cases of infected patients who had never visited China could likely be the “tip of the iceberg.” After remaining relatively mum on the coronavirus thus far, Donald Trump told supporters at a rally in New Hampshire Monday night that the virus will be gone by April, claiming that when temperatures rise, “the virus” will “miraculously” go away.Oooops.I said something political.Let the hate mail begin!  This is,Saying I Might Have To Take A Few Days Off To Rest.Please Take A Look At MyFiction Stories,Poetry,AndMusic Videos,To Keep Yourself Entertained Will I'm Away,
Thank You, Jim Hauenstein,
And,
"If I were to run, I'd run as a Republican. They're the dumbest group of voters in the country. They believe anything on Fox News. I could lie and they'd still eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific."- Donald Trump -

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Teaching Primates To Farm

I know you are going to tell me that I have been watching too many movies,but I actually think we can teach other primates to farm.Remember,when homo sapiens first started becoming farmers instead of hunter-gatherers,that is when our species really took off.We built cities,governments,and a new social structure. Most people know whoKokowas,a lowland gorilla who could communicate with us using a form of theAmerican Sign Language.
So other primates can be taught to learn something new
and we know they can communicate with one another. This picture shows Koko with her pet cat.
Is man the only animal with pets?    We have evidence of orangutans,after watching human beings,figure out how to use our tools.  We have monkeys riding bicycles
and doing other human activities.The list goes onand on.My theory is,since all primates have a social order already,if we can teach some of their leaders to farm,then they will teach the others of their group to do the same.
We give a group of primates a parcel of land
and let's see what happens. You never know.Soon they could be making huts,clothing,and running for office in a government of their own making.
This is,Just A Thought,Jim Hauenstein,
And,
“A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys.”
- Jacob M. Appel -


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Isabella Fiorella Elettra Giovanna Rossellini

What would you do if you wanted to make your name in the worldand you come fromHollywood Royalty?Your father was the famous directorRoberto Rosselliniand your mother was the famous actressIngrid Bergman.You were once married toMartin Scorseseand lived with,at different times,David LynchandGary Oldman.You have been anItalian actress,filmmaker,author,philanthropist,andmodel.You even have 1 of those beautiful Italian names.Isabella Fiorella Elettra Giovanna Rossellini.What do you do when you have it all?You start you own television series on theSundance ChannelcalledGreen Pornoof course!I found it onYouTube.https://youtu.be/TmC2JTtatUE?list=PL14F6452A495787DE
It's not what you think by just reading the name.It is all about teaching young adults about animal sexuality.


This is,Saying Maybe It Is What You Think,Jim Hauenstein,
And,

"I believe in a set of values I cannot live by. I set high goals for myself, I seek perfection, dream of exotic faraway places. But ultimately, what I long for isn't far away at all. It's in my own backyard. Imperfection charms me, familiar things move me... a celebration of what we have, instead of what we long for. That for me, is glamor."
- Isabella Rossellini -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Why I Quit Drinking

     A lot of you might be thinking after reading the heading of this story that I might be some kind of alcoholic. Or, you could be thinking that I quit drinking because I now have cirrhosis of the liver because of too much vodka. These theories and any others you might be thinking of couldn't be further from the truth.
     It all started the day I went to Wisconsin on vacation and I ended up getting lost in the deep woods.
     I wasn't afraid of wandering around in the forest not knowing exactly where I was because, as a youth, I was a Cub Scout.
     I knew, during the day, that moss grows on the north side of rocks and the lower part of tree trunks because direct sunlight will dry up the fragile plants. At night, that the Northern Star is, well, always in the north. I know how to identify poison ivy, poison oak, and poison sumac. That swiftly moving water in streams is safer to drink than pools of stagnant puddles. And that all berries are not edible.
     So I was pretty sure I would find my way out of the dense woodland before I died of starvation or thirst.
     Beside, I had about 5 protein bars, two water bottles, a blanket, and a pint of scotch in my backpack.
     What got me to relax, or put down my guard, was the beautiful red and orange sunset, gleaming through all the branches.
     The air was warm, birds were chirping, and crickets scratched theirs legs as I lay watching the wonderful colors reflecting off the leaves.
     I thought to myself, what would a couple of swigs from my bottle of scotch hurt?
     A couple turned into 3, 4, then the whole bottle.
     I started stumbling in the dark. Determined, with a clouded mind, to finds my way to civilization. I didn't check my bearings with the Northern Star. I just kept wandering deeper into the woods.
     Finally, the alcohol took its toll on me. I laid down where I stood and went to sleep.
     It's when I woke up that I became frightened.
     The boughs and trunks of all the surrounding trees were curved in strange ways. A lot of them were toppled over by being uprooted. And where there was usually vegetation covering the ground around the trees, was dirt or grassland.
     Then I noticed there wasn't a sound except the rustling of leaves from a breeze.
     As the wind increased, the noise grew louder. Branches looked as if they were waving at me to hurry up my stride. Pointing in the direction I should go.
     The wind grew and the sound from the creaking trees told me I was in danger. I believe I heard tiny little voices talking about me.
     That told me that I should run.
     Gale force wind started breaking off branches and blowing over trees. Looking as if it was aimed at me. On more than one occasion I had to dive out of the way of a pointed broken limb which was thrown in my direction.
      I feared for my life. The forest was alive and I did something to anger it.
      I ran and ran as fast as I could. Suddenly, falling over an old log, rolling down a steep embankment, and landing in the middle of a paved road.
      Screeching wheels and the smell of burnt rubber stopped inches from my head. An old country gent got quickly out of his car and asked, "Are you all right?"
      I screamed, "The forest is alive and it's trying to kill me."
      He started laughing, telling me, "You city folks are so damn funny. That's the drunken forest. These woods have a lot of groundwater beneath it, where the roots of the trees can't take a strong foothold. These woods are always moving, changing, and being uprooted with the slightest breeze."
      I knew better. The fairies of the forest tried to kill me because I desecrated their sacred ground. I vowed then and there that I would never drink again. Why risk the wrath of trees or any vegetation because of my obnoxious behavior!
This is,I Swear,This Story Is Absolutely True!If You Were As Drunk As I Was.Jim Hauenstein,
And,
“A cold wind was blowing from the north, and it made the trees rustle like living things.”
- George R.R. Martin -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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“Whenever I Feel The Need To Exercise, I Lie Down Until It Goes Away.”

What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?A-mean-oh-acid!
What subject in school is easy for Witches?Spell-ing!
Two beersornot two beers?That is the question.- Shakespeare -
AlcoholBecause no great story in lifestarted with a salad.- Confucius -
What did David,the Professor atBowie State, Massachusetts ask for in aMexican Restaurant?A Beer-rito! 
 Silence is Golden!
Unless you have Children.Then it is Suspicious!- Aristotle -
This is,“Whenever I feel the need to exercise,
I lie down until it goes away.”Jim Hauenstein,
And,

“I love mankind ... it's the people I can't stand!”
- Charles Schultz, -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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More Fiction Stories Soon

That I haven't kept up with myBlog.It's because my computer is in the shop.I know,
I should have fixed it myself but I am so tired of working on other people's computer that now I hate doing it.The only time I get to work on theBlogis when I go to the library.But it seems,the more time I have,the more things I have to do during the day.I still can't figure out why that happens!Oh well.I will be more consistent once I get it back.Please be patient.
Read some of my
Flash Fiction,
Poems,
or watch 1 of my
Music Videos
I already have here on my
Blog.I'm sure that I will come up with new exciting ideas for moreFiction Storiessoon!


This is,
Brainstorming As I Write,
Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“There's an old saying that great writing is simple but not easy, and so it is. The search for that one plain but in-obvious word that will do the work of five, the agony of untangling a complex idea that has become a mess of phrases in the writer's mind, the willingness to keep doing it over and over again until it is right--all of that plus some luck yields prose so clear that it seems a child could have written it.”  
- William Souder -

 That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Happiness Is A State Of Mind

I was thinking all day yesterday,what I was going to write about?Yet,I couldn't come up with a decent idea worthy of somebody wanting to read it.Then,I was given the story I was looking for.At two-thirty this morning,I was awakened by a loud motorcycle revving its engine,and the noisy voices of my drunk next door neighborand his friend.This is the same person who constantly calls thePoliceon me for the slightest noise at my house.He takes pictures of the cars that drive up to my house,and apparently,gives those photos to theOfficer,who is dispatched to investigate the complaint.This is supposedly proof that I am either some kind ofTerrorist,organizing a plot against humanity,or I am an exotic animal smuggler,selling unregisteredMonkeysto the highest bidder.Of course,thePolicedo not take him seriously,because he himself is a wack job.They haven't even bothered to knock on my door to question me.He is in the same category of,Human Beings,who will leave notes on your car window,telling you,what you are doing wrong in life.Or,if he sees you,he will tell you,that the parking spot in front of his house,is his alone,and for no one else. He will say ignorant things like,"It is illegal for you to park there. I am the only one aloud to park there!"Once,a couple years back,when this girl started making a U-turn in front of me,right in front of his house,I hit her head on.He came to his front door when thePolicearrived,and started yelling that I had contraband in the trunk of my carand they should arrest me.First,thePolicesaid the accident was the girl's fault because she was on herCell Phone.Second,she didn't look for oncoming traffic before pulling away from the curb.Third,this neighbor of mine,wasn't even brave enough to come outside of his home to accuse me ofDrug Smuggling.He stayed behind a locked screen door so thePolicewould not arrest him for being aPublic Nuisance.Fourth,theOfficerat the scene of the accident asked meif I wanted him to have a word with my neighborand if he could draw him outside,maybe he could arrest him forDisturbing The Peace.Because of his constant use of profanity towards me,that the whole neighborhood could hear.I said no,because after he was released,he would be worse with his belligerence,when he knew thePolicewere not around.You see,I have kids,and as long as he directs his anger towards me,and not them,I can put up with it.  I feel sorry for the poor fellow.It must be awful to go through life angry all the time.I think he picks on his neighbors,to make himself feel better.Yet,I have never seen him enjoy himself,or be happy.Except when he is drunk. He is always complainingor mad about something.It must really piss him off that his wife,which he seems to fight with on a regular basis,is neighborly towards me.I'm such a nice guy.She just cannot help herself.But,I guess,he sees me as a threat since I am not miserable like he is.To change,to"Be Happy,"he needs to stop worrying about me,and everyone else in the neighborhood!He needs to worry about taking care of his family,and treating them with respect. Then,maybe happiness,might be able to creep inside hisMind,Heart,andSoul.
This is,
I Am So Glad That I Found The Secret To Happiness,
Jim Hauenstein,
And,

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson -


 That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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I Was Cool Once

I was watching 1 of my grandsons this past weekend when he said something that I thought was kind of funny.I have to give you a little back story so you can understand what happened.LastChristmashe got aGold Necklace,with a diamond studdedCrossattached to it,from hisAunt.He is only 10 years old.When he was about to leave to go home with his father,I said,"Don't forget your Bling."Then he said, 
"You can't say that grandpa. You're too old!"
My reaction to that was to say,
"What do you mean? I'm cool."
He looked at me
and smiled.
"Grandpa, you where never cool!"
Laughing I said,
"I was cool once."
Now he was laughing
and he finishes by saying,
"Nobody was cool back in the olden days!"
This is,I Never Wore The Bling But I Was Cool In My Day,Really,I Was,Jim Hauenstein,
And,
“I love my grandpa and respect him.”
- Chynna Weber -
 That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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Blinded By Science

This is an updated version of the 
Periodic Table Songwrittenand performed byAsapSCIENCE.
Remember kids.Unlike inMathematics,two negatives inChemistrydoes not make a positive!MixingAmmoniaandBleachtogether,which are considered two negative compounds inChemistry, releases an odorless,colorless gas that is highly toxic.It will actually burn your lungs from the inside out!That is ourChemistry Lessonfor today.
This is,Blinded By Science,Jim Hauenstein,And,

Why The Warning?
Because Someone I knew Did This To Himself
And Died.
“The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.”
- Isaac Asimov -
 That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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