James Hauenstein's Blog, page 40

I Still Believe Humor Is The Best Medicine

 This is a
re-Post
of my
June 15th, 2015
Post
called
Just Joking Around.
I still believe humor is the best medicine.

*****
Recently, I went into one of those discount massage parlors.It turned out to be self serve!

Then I met this hooker on a street corner.She told me she had a headache!

If it wasn't for the guy who just pick-pocketed me,I'd have no sex life at all!

I blame it all on my upbringing when I was a child.When I took my first step, my Dad tripped me!When I was born, the doctor slapped my Mom!

Then, I think I was still a virgin at the age of thirty-three,I was making love to this girl I was dating and she started crying.I asked, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"She said, "No, I hate myself now!"

One night I thought I was going to get really lucky.I had these two girls in my car and they both scream at the same time,
"Stop here!" Right next to the International House of Pancakes was a
Motel 6.We went inside, and I had to pay for two
"Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity"
meals!
Then I started dating this girl who was half-black.She dumped me because she said I was prejudiced.In a sweet moment, I called her half-white!

When I got married, I asked my wife if I could give her a goodnight kiss on her cheek.She bent over!


I did meet a famous Politician once.I met the Surgeon General, and he offered me a cigarette!

I believe in this World, every person has a soul mate.And if I ever find mine, my wife will kill her!

People say I look a lot younger than I really am.That's because I act so immature!
This is,
Those Last Two Jokes I Wrote,
Jim Hauenstein,
And,

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
- Paul Terry -
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
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I'm Here!

Yes.I am up and running with my archaicWindows 7 Computer.It took awhile to get everything downloaded with all the updates needed,a browser I could work with,and an antivirus program,but it's all done.After a day of getting this thing ready I forgot to plan out what I was going to write about.Basically,I got nothing.So tomorrow will really be the launch of writingPostson a consistent basis.Stay safe out there everyone!  This is,I Am Not ReligiousBut I Am Spiritual.So I Am Praying For Everyone To Stay Healthy In My Own Way,Jim Hauenstein,
And,
“You can revive economy, but not a corpse.”
- Abhijit Naskar -
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We'll Be Seeing You

Sorry I haven't written for awhileand no,I am not inflicted with theCoronavirus.Usually I go to the local library to write on myBlog.Like most libraries across the world,ours is closed until the end ofApril.
Maybe longer. The only two working computers in my house belong to my daughterand my son who are still living at home.Since they are both home all the time because of the quarantine,I haven't been able to write anything on myBlog,send out emails toLiterary Agentsabout my latest book,and pen anymoreFlash Fiction.Never fear.Mighty Mouse is here!Not really.What I was going to do next was put a cartoon short ofMighty Mousesniffing a special powder which would make him extra strong after the this sentence.Unfortunately,no one has a copy of it up onYouTubeany longer.They must have taken them all down.All I can find now is this obscure photo of him. What I really mean byNever Fearis,that today I am putting together a computer from old parts laying around the house.Don't want to spend any money if I don't have to.The first major problem will be that it is aWindows 7operating system.I could go back even further by building aWindows XPor even aWindows 98 2nd Editionbut I'm sure I'll run into a lot more trouble with those systems.So tomorrow,hopefully,I'll be back upand running on a daily basis.
This is, We'll Be Seeing YouJim Hauenstein,
And,
“I like physics, but I love cartoons.”
- Stephen Hawking -

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Hopefully This Will Help Keep You Smiling.

From
November 18th, 2016
my
Post
called
All The Funny Jokes Are His
Hopefully,
this will help keep you smiling.
*****
I was at my Doctor's office the other dayand she told me I had better get into shape."Doc," I said."I am in shape. Round is a shape!"
Did you know that cannibals will not eat clowns?Yeah, they say they taste funny.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
In America anyone can become President.That's the problem.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns,do the rest drown too?
What I want to know is,whose cruel idea was it to have the letter
"S"
in the word"Lisp?"
Never, ever, raise your hands to your kids!It leaves your groin unprotected.
If I eatPasta and Antipastiwill I still be hungry?
When I was growing up,I was always told that I would be somebody.I just wish that they had been more specific on what that would be.
The main reasonSanta Clausis so jolly all the time,is because he knows where all the bad girls are!
This is,Thanking The Late,Great,George CarlinFor All The Funny Jokes Today,Jim Hauenstein,
And,
“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
- George Carlin -
That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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Trying To Stay Funny Among All This Madness

A few years ago,I startedGroup Textingmy kids.It is my way,of letting them know,that they are in my thoughts everyday.Even though I am retired,and I would like to point out that I was very lucky to be able to retire at the age ofFifty-Three,and have a lot more free time on my hands now,my kids are busy as ever with living their lives.They don't always have the time,to take out of their busy schedules,to just sit aroundand chat about the weather with me on their cellphones.So IGroup Textthem a"Dad Joke"on a daily basis to keep in touch.It also keeps them on their toes.A lot of times,it also starts a conversation between them,about how corny I am.In this way,I have them communicating with each other too! What?You don't know what a"Dad Joke"is?"Dad joke" is a pejorative term used to describe a corny or predictable joke, typically a pun.[1] Generally inoffensive, dad jokes are traditionally told by fathers among family, either with sincere humorous intent, or to intentionally provoke a negative reaction to its "dagginess". One of the most common "dad jokes" goes as follows: A child will say to the dad, "I am hungry," to which the dad will reply, "Hi, Hungry, I am Dad." Many dad jokes may be considered anti-jokes, deriving humor from an intentionally unfunny punchline. Wikipedia
 My oldest daughter thinks I am so corny with my"Dad Jokes"that she thinks I am ruining my kids lives!

My grandson asked me to make him a sandwich. I said,
"Poof, you are a sandwich!" This is,I Have Personally Used The"Sandwich Joke"On More Than One Occasion,Jim Hauenstein,
And,
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin -

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Which Is Better

Before I quit drinking! After I quit drinking! This is,I Am Not Sure Which Is Better!Jim Hauenstein, And,“That's the problem with drinking, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”
- Charles Bukowski - 

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Friday The 13th

FromSeptember 6th 2016my story aboutFriday The 13thcalled Some Institutions Will Let You Write Things Down On Paper With A Crayon*****   I went to see my Doctor today, and she said, "If you don't want to lose your job, lose your family, and start living a normal life, quite with the Frigga-trisk-aide-kaphobia!"   Surprised, I said, "Doc! You don't have to be vulgar about it."   You see, she is from the Philippines so sometimes, her pronunciation of certain medical terminology is elongated. 
   "Jim. Why did you come in here to see me today?" She asked with a lot of frustration in her voice.   "Well Doc. It only happened to me once before in 2016."   I was trying to act cool about it. Like, what happened to me was normal.   "Back in May of that year, I was drying off from my morning shower, when I heard on the radio the most frightening four words I have ever heard."   Interrupting, she says, "I really think you need to see a Psychologist."   My eyes widened. I was stunned. 
   "No, Doc please." I started pleading.
   With as much earnest appeal as I could muster, I asked her, "I trust you Doc. Just hear me out, please?"   She pauses for a moment, looks me squarely in the eyes and asks,"Are you paid up with all of your medical bills here?"   I replied, "Of course I am Doc."   I lied. 
   "OK Jim. You can go right ahead then."   So I tell her in detail how I ran screaming from my house that day in May butt naked. Running past a group of children waiting for a school bus. Luckily for the children, unluckily for me, a motorcycle cop was driving by at that very moment. Without going into too much detail, after a night in jail, I woke up normal. I was released on a bond and told to appear in court on such and such day!   "What is wrong with me Doc?"   With all the fake sympathy she could muster up herself, my Doc tells me, "You have a form of Trisk-aide-kaphobia!"   Not looking very intelligent at that moment, I asked. "What?"    "You have Para-skevide-katria-phobia!" She says. Hoping I understand now.
   Unintelligently, I repeat, "What?"
   "You are afraid of FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH!" She yelled in my face.   "That's it?" I asked. "I can beat that little phobia."   With a little smirk on her face, my Doctor tells me, "Jim. Because you postponed your court date so often, it is now on January 13th, 2017! That is on a Friday!"   With that, I run out of her office, screaming all the way down the street, ripping all my clothes off. I am sure that the last thing I heard, before leaving her office was, "Call 911. There is a nut running around outside with no clothes on!" This is,Did Know That Some Institutions Will Let You Write Things Down On Paper With A Crayon, Jim Hauenstein,
And,
“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” - Groucho Marx -
That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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P.S. The four most frightening words I ever heard in my life are; "It's Friday the Thirteenth."

I Cannot Take Credit For This Post

Betsy DeVos Says She Was Planning to Close All Schools AnywayBy Andy Borowitz for The New Yorker.com  As an increasing number of schools and universities closed down because of the coronavirus outbreak, the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, revealed on Monday that she had been planning for years to close every school in the country anyway. Speaking to reporters in Washington, DeVos said, “When I took over as Education Secretary, I came with a simple mission: to shut down all of the nation’s schools. It turns out that I was just ahead of my time.”
Noting that schools are where students learn math, science, and history, DeVos said, “I have long believed that schools are where all the bad things happen.” Deciding to “wipe out the scourge of education once and for all,” DeVos said that, within days of taking office, she drew up an ambitious plan called No School Left Open.
In a reassuring message to the nation’s parents and students, DeVos said, “Amid the current crisis, many of you are wondering how we will close every American school overnight. Let me just say that this is the job Betsy DeVos was born to do.”

This is,The Republicans Go Marching One By OneHurrah HurrahThe Republicans Go Marching Down The Rabbit HoleHurrah HurrahJim Hauenstein,
And,
“Republicans stand for raw, unbridled evil and greed and ignorance smothered in balloons and ribbons.”
- Frank Zappa -
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The Realistic You

A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck.The bartender points at him and says,"I'm gonna let you in this time, but don't you start anything!"
A really drunk guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of Lesbians having a birthday party for one of the girls.The drunk, thinking he is being funny asks,"Can someone here give me a bl*w-job?" One of the ladies walks up to him and says,"Sure. Blow up these balloons."
Why don't blond men make ice cubes?
Because they don't know the recipe.
What happened to all the blondes at the football stadium?
They drowned in the wave.
 When I die,I wanna go like my grandpa did.Peacefully sleeping.Unlike the passengers in his car.
Do you know when a person is the perfect human being?It's when they are writing their resume!
 
 When three people are having sex,they call it a threesome.When two people are having sex,they call it a twosome.What do they call it when one person is having sex?Handsome!
This is,I Do Not Know What They Are Joking AboutI Have Been Handsome All My LifeJim Hauenstein,
And,
“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're OK, then it's you.”
- Rita Mae Brown -

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Let's Have A Pox Party!

I am feeling really good today so I think we should all PARTY!!!!!!!!Yahoo!Let's have aChicken Pox Party,or aMeasles Party,or even aFlu Party!Yes,people used to haveChicken Pox Parties so their children would build up an immunity to the virus.Now thatAnti-Vaxxers are taking their children's immunization matters into their own hands,we have a resurgence ofPox Parties.If it worked one hundred years ago,why won't it work today?I took a quick look for some statistics on how many children used to die after these events,but I didn't find any clear evidence right away.I didn't do a deep dive on the subject,but I'm sure if I did,people would see the follies of their ways by the statistics.Even without concrete numbers you would hope that  they would see how foolish this practice really is.Then again,someAnti-Vaxxersbelieve vaccines are aGovernment Conspiracy!In my lifetime,I grew up with someone who hadPolio.Mark,I am happy to tell you,never let his handicap get in his way.I saw him about twenty years agoand at that time he had a good job,was married,and had four beautiful children.I hope himand his family are still doing well.By now,we would have eradicatedPolioworldwide if it wasn't for theAnti-Vaxxersmovement.I hope,despite their misguided feelings on vaccines,someday we will be rid a lot of these childhood viruses.On a lighter note.I know what kind ofParty Treatswe can eat.Kit Kat Bars.Not just anyKit Kat Barseither.Japan's assorted flavors ofKit Kat Bars.They have had over three hundred different flavors since the year 2000! This is,Asking Why Would You Make A Wasabi Kit Kat Bar?Jim Hauenstein,
And,
“Japan never considers time together as time wasted. Rather, it is time invested.”
- Donald Richie -
That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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