Chris Rodell's Blog, page 14

Tweets of the (last 2) months

 • Close your eyes and turn the mirror into your friend. Too many people, women especially, stare into the mirror and do nothing but catalogue flaws. Try this: when you're done tidying up, spend the last 15 seconds staring into the mirror -- with your eyes closed. Imagine you're seeing yourself through the eyes of all your best friends. Instead of noting microscopic flaws you'll begin your day

The story of the outhouse hibernating bear that bit the woman on her Alaskan ass

(482 words)

I felt a visceral surge of commiseration when I read an Alaska woman was bit from below as she sat pants-down on the seat of her Arctic outhouse. A neighborhood bear had been hibernating in the pit.The woman, Shannon Stevens, said, “I got out there and sat down on the toilet and immediately something bit my butt.”

Surprise!

I’ve had days like that — and I’m talking from the bear’s

Happy 50th Birthday to these words!

 I was 50 years old before I learned I was born the same year as the word “dipshit.”It was like the world in 1963 took one long look at me and said, “Nope, moron, idiot and imbecile are insufficient. We need something truly loathsome yet oddly whimsical to describe this one. How about … dipshit!”I guess I’m glad my folks named me Christopher.I began sleuthing word birthdays about 15 years ago

Laughter on a day of screams

(584 words)On a day when so many chose to scream, I spent the morning with a woman who couldn’t quit laughing.She laughed when I said hello. She laughed when I told her what I wanted her to do to me. And she laughed when I thanked her for the job she did with her hands.As you can probably guess, I wouldn’t be sharing this story if I’d feel compelled to declare she laughed when I took my pants

Tweets of the Year! ... No, really!

 I don’t know which of the two endeavors is more psychotic — haphazardly compiling a year’s worth of tweets or feeling compelled to read them. In fairness, I know of no one who admits to reading them. Maybe I should give away “I Survived 8days2Amish Best Tweets List.” It would be cool if I did and paparazzi snagged a shot of Melania wearing one on the beach …

Happy New Year! 




• You can play

December Tweets of (most of) the Month

 • This (above) is what happens when I get paralyzed by fashion and can't decide which shoes go with which pants and which socks go with which shoes and ...• Remember: Just cause this year's been one of the worst ever can't stop this Christmas from being one of the best ever. Of course, it may require a lot more liquor than usual …• How can conspiracy minded-people attribute the most dastardly,

RIP Zack & the tears we shed for the ones we love

 (715 words)Zack Starrett, 33, died having never seen “Cool Hand Luke.” I blame myself for the shortcoming.It was a night a couple years ago. We were talking music, movies, etc. when I told him my all-time favorite movie is “Cool Hand Luke,” the 1967 Paul Newman movie about a laid back convict in a Dixie prison who refuses to bend to the tyrannical authority determined to break his indomitable

We Heart Zack! A love story about a man and his bartender

It was about two years ago the bartender startled me by telling me out loud and in front of potential teasers, “I love you.” And it wasn’t said with even a hint of sarcasm like when I leave a quarter tip on a $25 tab.Hey! You try properly positioning the decimal point on your tip calculator after four Wild Turkeys.The bartender has long, dark hair, smokey eyes, bold tattoos and a great figure.

Tweets of the Month

• The Christmas season inspires so many questions: Was the virgin birth real? Is Jesus the true son of God? Will there ever be peace on Earth? I have a question: How did Charlie Brown ever get that sweater over his huge bulbous head?• I can't wait for this election to be over. I mean, how much longer do I have to wait 'til I resume my War on Christmas!• It wasn't until 2001 that all Pennsylvania

How NYC-style sex party would go over in Latrobe

 (644 words)My mind was blown when I read New York City cops busted an 80-person sex party at a club called Caligula. Inside it was wall-to-wall sex. Man on man. Woman on women. Mixes. Multiples. Name it.I don’t know if any of the police were tempted to join in, but I can guarantee if Caligula has a bar cat it was nervous.As you can surmise, my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail or else