Leila Marie Lawler's Blog, page 14

Idle Chit-Chat

No news on the kitchen doings.

Confidential to those in the comments* warning of going over to all open shelving: “unfitted kitchen” does not necessarily mean all open shelving, and I personally don’t want everything I have to be on display. The design is more about furniture-like storage than uniform cabinetry.

*for some reason I cannot figure out, I can only respond to comments on my own blog — I cannot just leave a comment! I wish my technical support would deal with this!

But remember (and look at the photos!), I have had some open shelves for all these years (it was Rosie who suggested leaving some doors off of the cabinets after she painted them; it would never have occurred to me!).

 

I have not really had any more than usual trouble with greasy items, and I do clean the open and closed shelves at the same basic rate (probably not enough on either account!). So I have lived with it already. I do want to keep and expand on the open shelving. But certainly not all, that would be stressful. I for one cannot be one of those ladies who keeps all her dry goods in uniform containers!

I think a lot has to do with where you live, don’t you?

We had our first light frost and I brought in some annuals and herbs to nurse through the winter. As I have said before, I’m not an indoor plant lady, and so far I have not found any real love in my heart for regular indoor plants, which I don’t relish changing because do I really need something else to spend my money on?

But it does make sense to me to try to overwinter the potted plants I love outside — at least a few of them — and maybe even make cuttings from them in the spring. I do have little southern light so it’s a real challenge for me! But I did okay last year so I will try again, and add herbs this year.

 

Thanks for all the nursing help in the last post! My young friend is staunchly marching along (in the most comfy, pillowed, resting way possible) with the breastfeeding challenges. She is reading every comment and appreciating all the advice! It’s so wonderful that you are all so generous.

Auntie Leila says, after seeing one too many clip of a distracted child (whom no one may really identify as distracted, so she feels compelled to weigh in here):

Does your child, boy or girl, continually push hair out of his or her face? Give your boys a haircut. Brush and braid or otherwise secure your girls’ hair.

It takes energy to learn, to grow, to think, to be! Let’s not waste that energy pushing our hair out of our eyes (yes this goes for adults too — do you constantly push one lock of hair out of the way or fiddle with your bangs? let’s deal with it).

It’s for their good, so yes, you can insist on it. Children being obedient in little things like submitting to a haircut and standing still to be brushed and braided and hair-clipped helps them to be obedient later in much more difficult matters, also for their own good. Learning self control is much easier when you are 8, trust me. And teaching self control to an 8-year-old is much easier too.

Bonus: you will have more patience with and look more kindly upon a groomed child than with a scruffy, unkempt one whose eyes you can’t even really see, so give yourself a little help in that area by remediating this issue.

 

 

The Halloween wars continue…

Having finessed the “dressing up as bad imaginary characters” issue (which I have no problem with on a certain very mild level but that’s a discussion for another time), I guess some Catholics are questioning whether dressing as saints for All Saints is “cultural appropriation” (whatever that is — I wonder if these same gringos have “taco Tuesday” but I digress).

This is not the only argument for abandonment of common sense, of course, as I see news of objections to using farm animals in live Christmas nativities (insert eye roll), but I notice that they all share in one result, which is the ratcheting up of dreariness, not least in the general atmosphere of suspicion of neighbor.

Instead of being defensive — instead of trying to prove that we are not intending disrespect by allowing little Bridget (real life example!) to satisfy her heart’s desire by dressing up as St. Kateri, or else dutifully supplying the DNA tests to prove that she actually has 1/624 Mohawk blood —  we really need to ask people what kind of sad, colorless world they want to live in, and why they insist on categorizing people.Ask them why they stifle joy and suppress charming customs and creative ideas.People make mistakes but that’s not the end of the world. We do have to rely on our neighbors to be patient with us, just as we are patient with them (until they want our children to be bubble-wrapped and shelved, and then it’s time to push back).What is the end of the world — and what will truly depress our children — is if we are constantly allowing people to scold us for imaginary transgressions and giving us the impression that unless we stay in our corner we will certainly be offending someone.

Another query for you:

My husband needs a web designer for his Center for the Restoration of Christian Culture site. If you go there you will see that it looks pretty nice but has some issues. He’s flat-out with some other projects and would appreciate someone just knowing what to do and magically (but with due recompense) fixing it (after consultation of course, he doesn’t expect anyone to read his mind). You can message me privately at the email provided on the sidebar if you have a real lead (I figure that finding the email is a good first test of competence!).

bits & piecesKenneth Williams on accents — very funny!If you are on Twitter, follow this Pattern Language account.Tony Esolen’s substack has good resources for poetry and song, and my friend Erin particularly enjoyed and sent me this one on the naming of cats and dogs. Erin’s son recited the poem Who Would True Valour See (their homeschooling group has a poetry day — does yours? A great incentive for memorization and public speaking!) and she likes this setting, to the tune of Monksgate, for singing it; seems a little tricky to me but I bet with practice, everyone could master it!My son, Joseph, who writes on economics and is an editor at the Washington Examiner, recommends this article on crypto as the one to read. Which I haven’t yet. But will.I hope to do a podcast about “chastity ministry” next week, but in the meantime, I just encourage you to read this thorough and insightful document, which includes a careful expression of the inviolability of parents’ duties and rights: The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality

 

from the archivesI incorporated that human sexuality document in my own article about sex education (including in the Church), later also a chapter in my book The Summa Domestica.Now the semester is in full swing. Choices have been made in the optimism and energy of the beginning of fall. Now is a good time to assess how it’s going. Our kids are stressed out.

 

liturgical living

St. Narcissus 

Are you familiar with the Roman Martyrology? “The blood of martyrs is the seed of the Church”; the early ones very much so.

 

follow us everywhere!

My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!

My “random thoughts no pictures” blog,  Happy Despite Them  — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!

My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there! 

Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:

Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!

Like LMLD on Facebook.

Follow LMLD on Twitter.

We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.

Auntie Leila’s Twitter.

Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)

Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.

The boards of the others:  Rosie’s Pinterest.  Sukie’s Pinterest.  Deirdre’s Pinterest.  Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!).  Bridget’s Pinterest.

 

 

 

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Unfitted or freestanding kitchen inspiration and thoughts!

As we begin preparations for beginning the process of thinking about concepts relating to someday commencing the highly anticipated Longest Kitchen Renovation Ever Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You, let’s talk about inspiration!

Farmhouse kitchen — “I don’t think that word means what you think it means”!!

Much of my inspiration comes from Christopher Alexander, whose book A Pattern Language is an analysis of what many of us already intuit in our appreciation of the timelessness of certain forms of building, and indeed he has another book called A Timeless Way of Building on the same theme. (I will touch on some of his ideas, good and bad, below.)

My kitchen dreams also come from not being able to afford the usual package deal (new everything, ordering appliances, living up to latest trends — really so pricey! and in my case even more so due to where I live).

(I have come to see that going into a kitchen showroom is very much like going into a car showroom — with the same sales approach and the idea that you will be upgraded and led to spend a lot.)

That said, there are undeniably fantastic features offered there! Soft-close doors and drawers, tailored storage, a sense of solidity as you get into the more quality materials, and durability.

I can see having a little of it along with other aspects that I will discuss, that reach back to an older idea.

If you have a conventional kitchen, and who among us does not have some aspect of it (however old and decaying, in my case), do not feel judged. Don’t think that I’m scorning it — I’m only trying to help myself along, and possibly those who have the opportunity to start or start over again and want a different approach. And if this less fitted way of building appeals, there are ways to bring in the elements of it with what you already have.

By nature I am of the use-up-wear-out-make-do variety of person you might meet. I rarely buy something at full price. That’s why we just painted the kitchen and removed some cabinet doors and in general put in “found” furniture and shelving to make what I think has been a rather attractive, if rickety, situation here.

An older photo:

But even before reading that Alexander book, I encountered the idea of an “unfitted” kitchen from friends of mine who already understood that what they loved about a cottage kitchen is the “furnished” aspect of it rather than the sort of room given over to massive amounts of cabinetry featured in modern-day kitchens.

I pored over decorating books that most attract me, featuring old-world real homes, which I discuss here.

Photo by The Workshops of David T. Smith 

 

The Rise of the Unfitted Kitchen

 

I would be happy in Carl Larsson’s kitchen…

 

And I’m not in any way a person who gravitates towards wanting my stuff to be hidden behind a seamless cupboard-door situation. I prefer having things out and visible. So unfitted is really up my alley!

My Pinterest board for even more inspiration is here!

Let’s take a quick look at a few things Alexander says about kitchens in A Pattern Language — and what I agree with and disagree with!

Pattern 139: Farmhouse Kitchen. “The isolated kitchen… is an efficient but unpleasant factory for food… ”

I think we all agree that the kitchen is one of the “common areas at the heart” of “informal contact between members” of the family (Pattern 129). In this way, contemporary kitchens have embraced this idea, almost to a fault. I don’t agree with Alexander’s simplistic “servants/women” identification, and he himself doesn’t make the connection between the old-fashioned farmhouse kitchen (which he admires) and the obvious lack of formal servants that such a place would have had, nor the fact that its coziness would have been supplied by women. There is some silly quasi-feminism in his discussion in this Pattern. The woman of the house doesn’t necessarily feel isolated, any more than anyone else doing their job.

But the main point is good, that there should be “family room” space in it, “a big table and chairs, some soft and some hard, with counters and stove and sink around the edge of the room; … a bright and comfortable room.” And that no one should feel marginalized in it.

I do love my kitchen fireplace and my rocking chair, which is hard but has a cushion…

(Don’t miss last week’s episode of removing those bricks on the left, though. Also my highlight on IG where I include a video demonstrating why.)

Pattern 147: Communal Eating. “Without communal eating, no human group can hold together.”

I think Alexander often doesn’t think outside of his own circumstances. He definitely wants this communal eating to happen in the kitchen, always. However, I think the large family can benefit from a separate dining room; the mother who has spent a good deal of time in the kitchen during the day, not only preparing meals but probably homeschooling there or otherwise supervising homework, canning, and often doing long-term preparation of food, is relieved to serve dinner in another room, far from the mess and noise generated by a home-cooked meal, no matter how efficient she is in her work.

That said, this pattern, along with the previous one, sheds some light on the deeply entrenched trend to leave no room for a big kitchen table, instead replacing it with an island, often of giant proportions.

Every builder wants to put stools at an over-sized bar. Even shows that are all about preserving the “home-town” feel immediately inflict an outsized island on the tiniest space. But that way of eating doesn’t serve family and communal needs the way a kitchen table does. While a dining room is nice for those times I was mentioning above (like holiday or Sunday meals when it’s reasonable to be separate from the kitchen and its inevitable mess), for the most part, the family will eat in the kitchen if given half a chance. We don’t actually benefit in that larger, more spiritual community and family aspect, from having everyone lined up on stools all the time.

In my kitchen, a larger island than the one I have (which I love for its practicality in the working side of things) would also elbow its way in front of the fireplace, obliterating the enjoyment of it; I’d have to get rid of my rocking chair, not to mention my kitchen table and chairs, and then the charm of my kitchen would vanish. It would be awkward and actually uncomfortably hot for a stool-sitter when the fire is going — something a builder might not take into consideration.

Pattern 159: Light on Two Sides of Every Room. “When they have a choice, people will always gravitate to those rooms which have light on two sides, and leave the rooms which are lit only from one side unused and empty.”

 

I have this pattern, with the door to the deck on the west side (with a window next to it actually) and a window over my sink on the east.

However, the window there is not big enough. It looks silly on the outside; my house is so big and has so many windows, and then this one is just stuck there looking forlorn and scrawny.

In spring and fall there is no direct sun coming in at all.

 

So one priority has been enlarging this window over my sink (and making it prettier with good trim to match the rest– previous owners replaced all the windows, a move which has its pros and cons, but we can do better here over the sink). My architect friend thinks it probably was larger anyway, back in the day, and was made smaller to allow for more cabinetry; I would far prefer to give up several cabinets for a bigger window!

Working on it.

I will discuss more patterns in another post. Each one is so fascinating!

Go to the Farmhouse Vernacular IG/YouTube, where I’ve been following her Victorian/unfitted kitchen posts. Here is a realistic and doable renovation, not glamorous but very workable and pretty, that includes a thrifted Aga (that part may not be doable for everyone!)!

Some notes:

One thing I like to keep in mind when I see people’s designs is whether or not they have lots of kids. Not every idea works for large families, which is the main issue I often have with some of Alexander’s patterns: some work, some don’t. There is a big difference between canning a bunch of your harvest and then scrambling up some eggs for you and your husband, vs. having to serve up a big supper for hungry teenagers and toddlers. Not everyone gets that distinction! Auntie Leila does!

Another important principle is to try, when possible, to make or keep things real. I go back to that film about the Carmelite convent where the Mother says, “If it looks like a stone wall, it should be made of stone.” Sometimes you have to work with what you have, like my windows with their fake lites/window panes. I won’t be changing those… but if you have a choice, go with real, even if it means restoring windows rather than replacing them.

There are some IG influencers who have part of the unfitted kitchen/French farmhouse/English cottage idea, but are also making things to appear a certain way on their videos, which can veer into almost “stage prop” territory. Some of their choices may not be comfortable to live with or see up close.

It’s good to work with what you have, vs. trying to add a “look” that isn’t integral, especially if that look involves mortaring rocks to your walls, creating brick walls where none exist, and so on! It’s just not worth the incredible amount of work it takes to do such things! Sometimes their choices are made because it will look good while filming, but may not be practical, like an all-white kitchen which shows up better in pictures. But what if I like color? (Which I do!) Just have awareness of these concerns when you are looking at inspiration photos!

I have to stop now… but we’ll return to this discussion!

Special request from a new mom: Does anyone have experience transitioning a baby from breastfeeding with a silicone nipple shield to being able to do without? Her baby refuses to latch on without it. Thoughts on this issue? Thanks!

 

bits & piecesMy husband presented a lecture about the Battle of Lepanto and then recited the poem by G. K. Chesterton from memory! This event took place in the amazing relic room at the St. Benedict Abbey in Still River, and was recorded here. This was his first time ever doing this — he looks forward to trying again next year!

 

For a long time, I thought that the new rite of the Roman Catholic Mass had added more Scripture, and that this was a self-evidently good development. As I learn more about the old rite, however, I find that there’s more to it than that. This article by Peter Kwasniewski is an involved Foreword for a rather technical book on the subject, but it’s a deep dive into the subject.

 

Since the word (and idea) merry was so important to one of my favorite saints, Thomas More, I enjoyed this mirthful article by Tony Esolen on its derivation and import.

 

Mandates for injections (or any medical interventions of any kind) are wrong and violate the principle of bodily integrity (and in the case of children, the parents’ rights to their child’s bodily integrity). 

 

More on bodily integrity

 

I have often mentioned our dear friend Fr. Paul Mankowski, SJ, may his memory be eternal, here on the blog. He wasn’t for the genteel or faint-hearted, though he could express himself in the most elegant ways when he had a mind to; more often, and especially with friends, his wit was unexpected and upending. Much of his sharp commentary appeared pseudonymously (because he had been silenced by his order) on my husband’s site, and the best of it is collected in a book edited by Phil: Diogenes Unveiled. You can read a review by Jeff Mirus here.

 

from the archivesAs the decadence of culture presses closer in on the sanctuary of our homes (invading it via even close family members and the necessary interactions of the workplace), I get more letters from wives unsure of how to handle things and grieved when their husbands are not aware or willing to take steps. Please re-read this post: Husbands and How to Understand Them — and keep in mind that in it, I am trying to approach these very serious divisions that threaten the family, not ordinary disagreements that people have always faced. I believe that dividing husband and wife is the real purpose behind these attacks, and that we must not let it happen.

 

Pantry management is in our feeds these days. I have a podcast about a rational approach, and do keep in mind that it’s not a good idea, as a general rule, to get stocked up and then rely only on what you have: Start-up costs: Why it’s not a good idea to use up ALL you have before you buy more.

 

liturgical living

Pope John Paul II

 

follow us everywhere!

My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!

My “random thoughts no pictures” blog,  Happy Despite Them  — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!

My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there! 

Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:

Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!

Like LMLD on Facebook.

Follow LMLD on Twitter.

We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.

Auntie Leila’s Twitter.

Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)

Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.

The boards of the others:  Rosie’s Pinterest.  Sukie’s Pinterest.  Deirdre’s Pinterest.  Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!).  Bridget’s Pinterest.

 

 

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This kitchen might take a while!

A dear reader posted a comment on what I thought was a random-and-therefore-normal-for-me photo on Instagram, saying, “I love your homey posts!”

 

And that got me to thinking! I know what I hope to see when I scroll my favorite accounts… and I wonder what my readers hope to see when they scroll mine or visit me here?

So I thought I’d ask!

What would you want to see and talk about?

And how long are you willing to endure updates on a long-awaited (by me, but possibly hitherto un-thought-of by you) kitchen renovation? A renovation that is likely to take forever?? Because that’s how I roll? I will assuredly die before it’s done? Because now I’m old? But had no idea what to do before? I mean it’s taking me forever just to write this one post?

A random BEFORE that highlights what I will explain below: the Real Problem in My Kitchen, the Conflict Between the Work Area and the Traffic Pattern:

If you’ve been here from the beginning, you know that we’ve taken the kitchen from dark to lighter, while working with what we have.

And for that I have to give credit to Rosie and Suki, who insisted on forging ahead and painting, when I would have remained paralyzed in a state of dealing with a large house and homeschooling.

Suki in particular peeled a lot of wallpaper, which I don’t think I have any photos of, at least not handy. Rosie in particular spent many a hot hour in the driveway, painstakingly sanding and painting all the cupboard doors.

A BEFORE (can you tell?):

And to the Chief, who made me two different butcher-block island counters, the second time really spiffing it up to my specifications.

And lots of other changes along the way, including the whitewashing of the bricks which, now that I look at the before photos, seems like even more of such a good move.

 

But as I said at the time, we’ve only arrived where many of you might say, “Good, now you can actually renovate!” But we liked it fine, and more importantly couldn’t afford to do more!

And the truth is, I have had so much trouble trying to make a plan for this space. There are so many doors, windows, traffic patterns, and not to mention a giant fireplace (which, don’t get me wrong, I love!). But where to put everything, most notably, the refrigerator.

Aren’t refrigerators a huge problem? They are just big bulky expensive things blocking everything.

I can walk into any space and tell the person how to fix it. But I could not figure out what to do with this space!

(Some pretty flowers — the rehearsal dinner centerpieces for Will’s wedding — to distract you from the fact that it works but… it also doesn’t work, this space):

 

 

But this summer, as I really concentrated (I’ve been updating my “kitchen inspiration” board on Pinterest, if you are interested), I finally came to a realization:

This funky column of bricks was the problem.

 

Some things are not easily conveyed in two dimensions, so you will have to believe me that the entry into the kitchen from the mudroom (which is how you get in my house, the real front door just being too far away) was super constricted by this jutting-out brick affair.

Because of it, the work area had nowhere to expand even to a minimally efficient extent.

They (old residents) chose to put the stove here and that used to make me so upset, until I realized how difficult the situation is. I decided that since I couldn’t do anything about it, I’d just accept it. That helped!

But when my cabinets started to fall apart and a new (needed) dishwasher wouldn’t fit under the counter, I realized I had to confront this dilemma, scrutinizing actual designs offered by experts.

And that’s when I realized the bricks had to go. Before I could figure out one other thing, we had to make room for actual bodies to enter and exit. (I also realized that not every contractor will be willing to take on this job, as it seems like the thing could be structural, and who wants to be responsible for that! But I was pretty sure it was not. More on that below, and also ponder this room, which is above, and shows in its smaller chimney footprint that it’s not possible that anything is being held up by the troublesome column.)

This is the before to show the narrowness of the path into the kitchen:

 

 

So that’s what happened this week!

Thanks to Auntie Sue’s architect husband’s expert assessment, I had the confidence to call the wonderful, cleverly not invasive, and tidy mason and get this job done. I called, he came, he took bricks out (and put a few back in, as you will see in the last picture), he left!

 

See what I mean? Not that many bricks to this thing, especially considering how in the way it was!

 

Lots of repairs to do…

 

But still! Already better!

Again, the before of the narrowness as you enter:

 

And how it is now (and yes, that cabinet on the right will be gone! Don’t worry! But also don’t hold your breath!):

 

You can see how he fixed that row of bricks at the edge there, into which the Odd Column was tied.

So you can see… this is going to take a while! (Now to find a carpenter to fix this bit while we go on to Phase II, more on that later.)

Are you up for it?

Or would you rather talk about something else entirely?

XOXO

 

bits & pieces

 

Catherine Pakaluk: The State Can’t Save the American Family As I’ve said before, if we mistakenly rely on the state, we have to accept that the state can dictate what to do in our most intimate sphere, the family. Given that the Obergefell so-called Same Sex Marriage ruling effectively removed sovereignty of the father and mother over their children, leaving them naked before the power of the state, this is an even scarier prospect than it was before. It’s a temptation we must resist, to turn to the government to solve our problems.

 

Next time I hope to remember to talk about how A Pattern Language can help in the decision-making process of renovations (not to mention original building) — here is a little article about it.

 

It’s not a little thing, one of those little battles you’d prefer not to fight, for your child to be asked what his pronouns are in school or at the doctor’s office. It’s a way to trans him.

 

“If there’s one thing progressive educators don’t like it’s rote learning.” In Defense of Memorization.

 

“The Joy and Sorrow of Rereading Holt’s “How Children Learn” — Readers here know that I recommend reading John Holt. There are some people who make deep observations, and even if their philosophy is not ultimately reaching the heights I would wish, or even if they don’t quite see the whole picture, those observations are valuable. John Holt is one of those people. He just “gets it” and helps parents have confidence in letting their children have freedom to learn. There are many who stand to profit by undermining your confidence and tethering you to their particular standards. John Holt had nothing to gain by offering his insights. That’s important.

 

She was an only child. Now she has 101 great-grandchildren. I like this cheerful lady, even if I can’t rise to her energy levels! I appreciate that she just wanted to have lots of people around her, and figured that giving birth to them was the best way to achieve that goal! She’s a kindred spirit!

 

from the archives10 Survival Tactics for Rescuing a Bad Day! (These are doable things that actually help, trust me)Having read all the books and watched all the minimalist videos, I really think that I can help you, a person with perhaps more children than those experts take into account, declutter.(Yes, even though last week I was caught saying, “Never throw anything away”!!)

 

liturgical living

St. Teresa of Jesus

 

follow us everywhere!

My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!

My “random thoughts no pictures” blog,  Happy Despite Them  — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!

My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there! 

Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:

Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!

Like LMLD on Facebook.

Follow LMLD on Twitter.

We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.

Auntie Leila’s Twitter.

Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)

Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.

The boards of the others:  Rosie’s Pinterest.  Sukie’s Pinterest.  Deirdre’s Pinterest.  Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!).  Bridget’s Pinterest.

 

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Harvesting round up chitchat!

I always post pictures of my garden in its early stages, and then lose steam due to being out there with dirty hands and a sense of things getting quite, quite out of control!

So a few harvest photos — veggies stashed in the freezer not included. I do share more on Instagram. As with everyone else’s garden, I had some ups and downs. That’s life!

First, a serendipitous harvest of crabapples, that came about in this wise:

Two of Auntie Sue’s (now grown up) young lads took down a tree for us that was up next to the stable. They cleared a few other little saplings and then more work was done up there to beat back the brush and brambles.

The tree was here, below, right next to the stable (you can see the stump in the photo above) :

All that clearing revealed what my friend Benedict (a super knowledgeable gardener) told me is a crabapple tree (it’s really an overgrown bush?). This surprised me, as I didn’t know that some crabapples are tiny.

I have a vivid memory of my Egyptian grandmother visiting my father’s house in Branford, CT, and of her making the most delicious crabapple jelly using fruits we found on a tree at the beach there. Those crabapples were more apple-sized and the tree was more apple-tree-like, and that’s what I think of.

My grandchildren picked what they could reach, including by dragging a stepladder up there. You need three pounds for the recipe I have, and we’re almost there.

If I have to throw in a regular apple, will I spend all my time explaining to everyone who wants some jelly on their toast that I did so, that it’s not completely crabapple? This threat of OCD twitchiness is incentivizing my husband to see if he can reach more:

 

I hope I can make something as revelatory and memorable as what my grandmother (after whom I’m named) made for us that day, but I will be happy with edible and jelled (I’m not that good at jelly, for some reason — tips appreciated!).

The squash are curing inside on the radiator and out on the porch in the sun. I cannot remember what the pumpkin-like ones are called! I have no record! They are supposed to be sweet and good eating. I am a little disappointed that I didn’t get more, but I think our lack of rain at the end of the summer really did them in.

 

Even these late, somewhat damaged tomatoes (with more to come outside) will make a fine sauce:

And I did get many tucked away in the form of salsa, dried tomatoes, and roasted and/or boiled sauce:

 

Along with dried zucchini you see there (and some grilled slices in the freezer for lasagna) and also in powdered form (dehydrated and then popped in the blender):

 

This powdered zuke is surprisingly good in soups and works as a thickener too!

I stashed the super big hard ones out in the garage and I will feed them to the chickens later in the year. I planted some variety that I can’t recall (or find) now (apparently my record-keeping is terrible), but I think when it comes to zukes and cukes I need to plant the tried-and-true and not go into fanciness.

I have been preserving eggs and now have over 8 dozen stashed away:

Below is the “in progress” jar (1/2 gallon)… with dried medicinal herbs behind. The hens are definitely slowing down in the shorter days. I think we need to put the solar-powered lights back out!

The garlic harvest was on point — 100 heads, which is a lot for the two of us… and yes, this is the toilet paper holder from the last decade that is no longer useful for this decade’s giant rolls, but demonstrates the importance of never throwing anything away lest it come in useful for something else, as per my motto:

 

That may not seem like 100 heads to you, but I fermented a bunch already (and fermented a jar of garlic with honey as well):

 

And dried a bunch too (see the process here):

The onions were not what I had hoped. I seem to have gotten no red ones at all, boo. Next year…

I hope you enjoyed this round up from the garden! I probably forgot some things (asparagus and green beans in the freezer… ) and maybe your garden was better — in fact, I’m sure it was! But I am content!

 

bits & pieces

 

You know how I have written and talked about the absolute necessity of beauty in our ordinary lives? I think this short film, To Last a Thousand Years, about the Fairfield Carmelites’ building project is inspiring in just the way we need, and makes the connection between the beauty of the foundation in the monastery to the beauty of the lives of those it touches (even if no one realizes their existence) — the spiritual connection in the very real liturgical economy that I try to reference. Every commitment to beauty has an effect in saving the world! I love that they are quoted as saying, “if it looks like a stone wall, it needs to be a stone wall!” Note how the contractor’s life has already been changed by the chance to realize a dream of fulfilling his seemingly futile ambition to build something with stone, to last a thousand years!

 

This Instagram account fits in with the “Pattern Language” way of looking at building, and has accessible information for older children interested in such things.

 

I thought this was funny (and a sweet painting): The Internet Has Been Left Baffled By 162-Year-Old Painting Where A Woman Appears To Be Holding A Smartphone

 

Thank God: Vanderbilt To Pause Gender Transition Surgeries On Minors Following Bombshell —  and may the rest of these hospitals that are engaged in this horrible practice follow suit: Medical Groups Ask DOJ to Investigate Critics of Hospitals’ Gender Surgeries on Children

 

The real reason vaccine (and any other medical procedure and/or intervention) mandates are wrong.

 

My friend Peter Kwasniewski has put together a list of recommended traditional books for parents. I’m honored to have two books on it!

 

from the archivesSibling rivalry and how to fix it (well, it’s never going to go away, but maybe my thoughts will help)Give your children what really matters

 

liturgical living

St. Pelagia and St. Hugh of Canefro

 

follow us everywhere!

My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!

My “random thoughts no pictures” blog,  Happy Despite Them  — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!

My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there! 

Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:

Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!

Like LMLD on Facebook.

Follow LMLD on Twitter.

We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.

Auntie Leila’s Twitter.

Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)

Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.

The boards of the others:  Rosie’s Pinterest.  Sukie’s Pinterest.  Deirdre’s Pinterest.  Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!).  Bridget’s Pinterest.

The post Harvesting round up chitchat! appeared first on .

History lessons in childhood education

As the temperature drops below “hibiscus comfort level,” my indoor-plant-lady persona, newly acquired last year, dutifully begins the process of moving these finally not languishing little trees inside for good (for the cold season).

It was getting a little tedious to bring them in just at night if anything below 60° loomed and then drag them out again. And this week, they were additionally weighty and cumbersome, waterlogged as they were by the epic amounts of rain we received (finally!).

 

I read that you can prune them 30% and who knows what that means, but I gave them what I hope is an invigorating trim, the better to survive the shock of a new environment.

 

Do you move plants inside? I never used to! When it gets even colder, I will have a rack with the geraniums and maybe some herbs, but I would like to keep it simple…

Anyway, a little history curriculum meditation for this brisk day:

I came across this article (from last year) about being sure to include primary sources in your children’s studies: Moving Beyond Interpretation & Getting to the Past as It Was.

He makes a good case, certainly nothing that hasn’t been said before, but it’s good to be reminded, and he offers examples.

I would add a couple of thoughts; I’ve discussed them here on the blog, and in my Summa Domestica (affiliate link) I have a section about history that explains at even more length:

As you approach the study of history, be very aware of an often hidden ideology — the study as presented by many historians — and hidden in it — the philosophy adhered to by the ones studied, in these primary sources; namely, what has been called “The Whig View of History” or the Progressive Idea.

This idea, simply put, is that history is a bold arrow moving forward towards an ever improving human race, one which sheds its false and superstitious ideas as it assimilates new, enlightened ones, often assisted by technology.

It’s an idea that has been entrenched in the modern (Cartesian) mind, and so is embedded in those whose ideas we study, as well as in the textbooks written by contemporary scholars.

Although this is not a Christian idea, it is espoused by many Christians, without their understanding the inherent contradiction of holding the view that what is past must be inferior to what is present; if that were true, then the ideas of Christ Himself and the Church immediately founded by Him would be superseded, for they became known to us in time, in the past.

Instead of picturing this arrow, ever rising to the glorious human-perfected future, and this is where my second recommendation comes in, it’s better to think of a timeline in which the Incarnation is the apex: everything leads up to it and flows from it.

The timeline is a wonderful tool for education in history especially when presented this way, and Zachary Palmer’s methods of using primary sources  will work best for the child who is keeping a timeline, adding to it, and referencing it often. It’s true that textbooks can reduce things dryly to mere dates and facts, but it’s also true that you need a context for all those interesting documents you’re perusing!

I hope these ideas — primary sources, the overall philosophy of history (avoiding the fallacy of progressivism), and the timeline — will help clarify goals for what is undeniably a daunting subject to try to teach!

 

NB: I will be at St. Timothy’s in Chantilly, VA, next Sunday, Oct. 2, 2-4pm in the school cafeteria — if you’d like to come hear me talk at the ladies’ tea on the subject of “How beauty will save the world — and the neighborhood!”

13807 Poplar Tree Road, Chantilly, Va 20151

bits & piecesLast week I mentioned dancing — and it’s so nice to revive the “community dance” featuring square dancing, contras, and so on. As the children get older, they will want to learn waltzes and swing dances (and don’t forget the Ländler! Remember it from The Sound of Music?) — those romantic dances that help young people dance together, acknowledging that the sexes are attracted to each other, while offering them a restrained framework in which to operate. I came across this example of a salsa that I just loved for its romance and restraint. Note that the couple are dressed so nicely and they never narcissistically overdo their movements.

 

Speaking of history and original documents, here’s Wyatt Earp’s nephew appearing on a game show. Not only is he interesting in and of himself, of course, as a figure of the Old West (born in 1879) stepping into the Hollywood scene, but the show itself is a relic! Listen to the diction of those speaking! It’s eye-opening for us, I think!

 

Groceries are getting scarily expensive. Don’t be profligate in throwing food away — know whether it’s really “expired,” whatever the label might say.

 

from the archivesPeople are starting to realize that you really do need a home library. I’ve been working on that here for ages! The Like Mother, Like Daughter Library Project!

 

When you start homeschooling and sports and meetings you start to panic about the state of your house and I’m here to help. Meal planning, laundry, and The Reasonably Clean House.

 

liturgical living

Two feasts of Our Lady: Our Lady of Ransom and Our Lady of Walsingham! 

 

follow us everywhere!

My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!

My “random thoughts no pictures” blog,  Happy Despite Them  — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!

My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there! 

Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:

Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!

Like LMLD on Facebook.

Follow LMLD on Twitter.

We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.

Auntie Leila’s Twitter.

Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)

Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.

The boards of the others:  Rosie’s Pinterest.  Sukie’s Pinterest.  Deirdre’s Pinterest.  Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!).  Bridget’s Pinterest.

The post History lessons in childhood education appeared first on .

Education is more than curriculum!

School has started for most of my readers, and here in Central Massachusetts the weather has gotten nippy for sure.

 

 

I am saving eggs against the day when the hens stop laying. Did you know you can do that? The information is here. I’ve already tried an egg from the first jar (from June) and it’s fine!

Speaking of school, you know, in my book set The Summa Domestica (affiliate link), Volume Two is about education, and even though I started writing here to help with homeschooling, I wrote about so much more than just curriculum.

There is a lot in there about criteria for choosing and setting goals for all subjects — but also, so much more!

 

I write about the home environment and how to make the cultural shift from being consumers of entertainment to producers and enjoyers of beauty — in music, art, and dance! And I have a whole section about the moral education of the child...

A dear Instagram reader sent me the following comment and gave me permission to share it with you. I was delighted with what she said, because I answer this question all the time: “Is your book just for homeschooling?” and the answer is “Not at all!”

At first I avoided Volume Two on Education, because my kids attend Catholic schools; however, I was wrong. That one is my favorite! I have always taught my children the faith and read aloud to them daily and your wisdom inspired me to continue this. Thanks for being an encourager for families that choose alternatives to homeschooling. We are the first educators of our children.

Indeed! The family is the school of virtue, of life, for the children! Parents are the primary educators and what happens at home is decisive for the child’s formation!

Thank you for reading along, and I hope you enjoy the book set as well!

 

bits & piecesTony Esolen write here about dances back in the day. In the Summa Domestica I have lots about such things and how to bring them back. The thoughts are the fruit of my life here in a good solid Catholic community — may you benefit as well!

 

I’ve been making these shortbread cookies from Smitten Kitchen — but I can’t recommend Ted Lasso for reasons I’m mulling over (besides the constant barrage of profanity — I mean I am not a prude but phew! give it a rest).

 

Podcast: Tammy Peterson interviews Janice Fiamengo, retired Professor of English from the University of Ottawa on her critique of feminism.

 

Beautiful Pre-Reformation Polyphony — give the embedded (short) pieces a listen — they are haunting!

 

Your dinner with family fulfills a Gospel command!

 

from the archivesWhen old favorites are updated — they are not better! (I’m seeing reports of new episodes of Peppa Pig — basically, buyer beware!)

 

How we glammed up our kitchen island! (It’s still going strong, too.)

 

From my other blog: If only there were a list of things to do and not to do — the 10 Commandments

 

liturgical living

Two favorite saints today: St. Robert Bellarmine and St. Hildegard of Bingen

 

follow us everywhere!

My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!

My “random thoughts no pictures” blog,  Happy Despite Them  — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!

My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there! 

Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:

Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!

Like LMLD on Facebook.

Follow LMLD on Twitter.

We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.

Auntie Leila’s Twitter.

Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)

Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.

The boards of the others:  Rosie’s Pinterest.  Sukie’s Pinterest.  Deirdre’s Pinterest.  Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!).  Bridget’s Pinterest.

 

The post Education is more than curriculum! appeared first on .

Goldenrod for health and some Auntie Leila rapid responses

The goldenrod is in bloom and I just found out that not only is it good for just everything, but it’s specifically good for urinary tract infections, so make a note in your book in the chapter about UTIs!

Fortunately, goldenrod is a lovely wildflower found just about everywhere, and if you simply make sure you can tell it apart from ragweed, you can harvest your own and preserve it for the coming year.

As I said here, it’s probably good for us to have some home remedies that don’t cost a fortune (because of course you can order it, but supplements get pricey)*.

I went to the liquor outlet (over the border in New Hampshire; find the cheapest place for you or order online) and got Everclear (high-proof vodka — you need at least 65 proof; Everclear is 151) for the purpose of making tinctures, which is the best way to preserve herbs long term. I store this bottle on a high shelf in the pantry so that no one uses it in a drink by mistake! Not that there are roving bands grabbing shots over here, but I just want to have it secured. I keep the tinctures with the other medicinal herbs.

Use the flowers for the tincture and cover with the alcohol.

 

 

You can also dehydrate the leaves and flowers to make a tea, which is what I will do with today’s harvest. I already got started with the leaves from the stems I stripped the flowers from for the tincture.

 

I’m always torn between talking about these little doings happening here and the more abstract “Auntie Leila” questions that I get all the time, so I thought I’d do some rapid responses, indulging myself in both! Hope you don’t mind!

 

 

So on to a few topics I’ve had a bunch of emails about recently:

Two- or three-year-old boy who seems impervious and even defiant to reprimand and punishment:

Don’t worry! Yes, it’s true, and I know this thought is lurking in the back of your mind: sociopaths suffer from having had their development arrested at age 3.

 

 

But your toddler is not going to endure this fate, because the behavior is normal for him! And you love him.

The key: wait out this stage by helping him find his place in the hierarchy, the good order of the family. Affirm his newly awakening feelings of power (“you’re a big boy for sure!”) but know that he is actually afraid of being the alpha, so a calm assertion of your position is appropriate, while you also ignore most of what he says and does, moving him to where you need him to be, delivering swift retribution (not threats) when necessary, and prioritizing naps, high-calorie foods early in the day (not worrying too much about what he eats at supper for now), and early bedtimes. Give him extra hugs (even when he’s being the most frustrating) because it’s not easy being two. A long walk in the stroller followed by free running at the playground could be a good routine for a while.

This will pass and he will be a good sweet boy before you know it. Still a barbarian, but not bound for the penitentiary.

 

 

I’m pregnant/so busy/getting older and there are so many little kids running around and I’m just tired. 

Do less. Really. Look at your schedule and be ruthless. Your children do not need to go everywhere and do everything. The reason God gave you all these kids is so that they can play with each other, which they will do if you stop intervening, even by reading to them or putting on an audio book.

Lie on the sofa with your book and let them run wild for a while. Also tell them about the things that you would love to do but are just too tired to handle and see what they say. “Kids, I’m so tired but I wish these things were done — I wish I had a magical visitation from the wee brownies to help me.”

You might be surprised at how they decide to clean up the kitchen, not perfectly of course, but then, you didn’t have the energy to do it at all. Imperfect is better than nothing! I personally don’t do it perfectly when I’m at my best, so…

My kids used to give me what they called “First Class Comfort” — pillowing my head, putting my feet up, and maybe doing a little tidying. It was super nice!

When you have a baby and teens, make sure you are making lists for for those older children to check off. They can do way more, and it’s not good for them to be in “taking” and not “giving” mode. They need to be useful members of society, not moochers, and contribution to the greater good starts at home.

By the way, this is why I am totally opposed to requirements for the sacrament of Confirmation that have the child logging in hours spent in “outside” service. Mom driving you somewhere to do something imposed on you has no merit and only makes her life harder, yet she already has that sacrament! (Not that things being hard is any indication of virtue!) Charity for a child means helping out in the family or offering a person in the neighborhood a hand. If you need me to come down and tell you pastor all this, I’m on my way.

 

 

My 10-year-old girl thinks I’m against her, ruining her life, and mean for not letting her wear clothing that can only be described as trashy.

You’re not going to like this answer because it requires a real purgation in your life — and in hers — but it is not normal for a 10-yo to act this way. I know that popular culture insists that even young children will display rebelliousness arcing into a sort of acid hatred, and that this is normal, but they are wrong and serving their own ends.

It’s true that a 10-yo girl may begin to experience hormonal changes that are the early distant warnings of puberty, and that these hormones tend to make her a bit emotional. But you know, my purpose here is to preserve the collective memory; before the current time, and where girls are sheltered (fighting word I know!), they simply do not display this behavior as described — certainly not anything remotely like the bitter opposition parents experience now. I have raised four girls and I am here to tell you this.

The cause is in those outside influences which we as adults protect ourselves from. Someone is exposing her to this attitude. And that someone has a device connected to social media. Your job is to detach her from that. She needs, desperately, a chance to develop fittingly, and to have a trusting relationship with her mother and father.

It’s not enough to “opt out” of certain influences. The truth is that you also have to opt out of those who have been inundated by those influences. If her little circle of friends are all going home to watch Disney Channel (“Little Demon” anyone?) and have older sisters immersed in TikTok, you’re fighting a battle that you will not win.

Ten-year-old girls who are not connected somehow to the onslaught out there still enjoy pretty dresses and play with dolls, while also running around outside, climbing trees, and getting interested in taking part in the interests of family members (repairing things, making things, cooking things, creating things, singing, dancing, playing instruments, enjoying tennis, swimming… )

 

This is two feverfew plants — the one in the back is “regular” (don’t know the name) and the low one is “Feverfew White Stars” — the little double flowers are darling!

 

Please don’t let anyone tell you that it’s normal for a girl to turn against her mother. Please protect her from all that. (See my further comment in bits & pieces though… )

I discuss all these topics and way more and in greater depth in my book set, The Summa Domestica — and give you the help you need to establish order and wonder in your home!

 

*I have heard rumbles that supplements are going to be restricted. In any case, it’s better and way cheaper to collect herbs yourself where possible. Grow them in the garden or collect them from toxin-free areas. By the highway isn’t a good place. Not only is the exhaust from the cars settling on the plants there, but fluids and salts run off into the ground where they grow. Use your common sense!

bits & piecesWe got a propane smoker off of FB Marketplace, so I’ve been researching. Do you actually preserve foods with your smoker? I’m of course looking forward to just smoking all the things and eating them ASAP!

 

I love Shelby Foote — love his voice! — and am currently watching/listening to this in depth interview and visit with him.

 

We’ve been talking here a lot about husbands and marital communication. I thought that it’s well to contemplate what John Cuddeback says here, briefly, about being willing to receive reproof. Auntie Sue says that if you listen, you’ll hear your husband say what it is that bothers him… but you have to be willing to listen. (I suppose this goes for children as well! Even though I said, above, that your daughter shouldn’t be saying how mean you are, and I do think that the outrage behind the behavior is learned, there could be a grain of truth about how you are not willing to let her be herself rather than just a reflection of you.)

 

Fr. Pokorsky: The Ten Commandments and the Restoration of Civilization

 

liturgical living

Two Roman Martyrs

 

from the archivesFive Quick Answers from Auntie ThereseCriteria for choosing books and movies for all the stages of your children’s development

 

follow us everywhere!

My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!

My “random thoughts no pictures” blog,  Happy Despite Them  — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!

My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there! 

Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:

Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!

Like LMLD on Facebook.

Follow LMLD on Twitter.

We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.

Auntie Leila’s Twitter.

Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)

Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.

The boards of the others:  Rosie’s Pinterest.  Sukie’s Pinterest.  Deirdre’s Pinterest.  Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!).  Bridget’s Pinterest.

The post Goldenrod for health and some Auntie Leila rapid responses appeared first on .

Two purchases that saved my marriage

Perhaps I exaggerate slightly to get your attention on a late Saturday morning! Let’s say, “Made things less stressful and thereby enhanced a pretty good thing that I wouldn’t want to disrupt unnecessarily.”

I will get to it, but first —

Here are pictures of us at the Opening Night of our friend Bill McCann’s film The Liberator. When it comes out on DVD and I’m not also giving marriage tips, I will explain more.

Basically, for decades he had wanted to write a screenplay about Daniel O’Connell, the liberator of Ireland. The whole homeschooling and church community here, along with friends of his from other, similar communities, helped him produce it. His dream was realized! This event struck me so strongly how we can affect the culture when enough people support creativity in their life choices.

My husband had a small (but effective! and compelling!) supporting role, so naturally we wanted to represent on the red carpet (of our local cinema)! Rosie had thrifted the dress and given it to me, and so I went for it! “It’s not church so I think you should wear it, Mom” (Thrifted shoes, thrifted bag! Fun!)

 

 

Back to marriage…

The other week I had a pretty serious post about the uptick in my “marriage distress” emails and what to do about it. I was talking about major differences of opinion and how to approach them.

But even normally, there are little frictions that come about over ordinary things that aren’t even a matter of opinion, but are exacerbated due to personality differences — whether one is normally somewhat gloomy or cheerful — and even superficial reactions that could be rooted in trauma.

For instance, when one party (let’s call her Chappie A) grew up with divorce or alcoholism or some other such deep issue, something as small as a reaction to a problem can send her into a mini-tailspin. A tailspin that could be avoided with awareness, but even she might not realize what’s going on.

If I say, “Oh, just so you know, the upstairs faucet is dripping,” or “the raccoon knocked over the feed barrel,” Chappie B will fix it. But if he responds by saying, “Oh dear! No, really! Ugh!” I get a panic attack and react by going into defensive mode, creating all sorts of unnecessary issues in my marriage. But if Chappie B is suitably warned and responds with a cheery “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it,” I will be serene.

I found this out when I realized why I treasured the handyman who helped us out when we moved here. His reaction to every situation was, “Oh, no problem, I can fix that” and it just made life so much nicer!

Once Chappie B understands, in love, the reason for the inner disturbance, he will make the effort… and then he can avoid having Chappie A run off with the handyman!

Just kidding, but honestly, how many real issues stem from not being understood…

And of course, Chappie B has his disproportionate reactions too. If I can remember to answer his questions patiently and not think I have already gone over it all when I really haven’t but have only thought about it, Chappie B can handle life better. I think this might come from having been fifth in the birth order at home, with four sisters having come first. An only child like me just has trouble getting it.

I think it’s worth trying to figure out what seemingly unimportant particulars simply stress you out in your marriage so that you can work to be kinder about them.

There could be an occasional “free and frank discussion” about admittedly silly things that plunge us down the wrong turning, mood-wise. Since there are so many actual, unforeseeable stressors, why allow the little everyday ones to go unchecked?

And then forgiveness too, for forgetting. Forgiveness lowers stress, don’t forget!

Anyway, here are the two very inexpensive products that have saved my marriage or just made it go a lot smoother (these products can be found in various places but if you order using my affiliate link, I get a small, really small, commission at no cost to you):

A blanket clip — “Blanket Buddy”. Why it is that approximately 38 years into our marriage my husband should start pulling the covers off me in our sleep I do not know. But for $12.50 we are now not locked in desperate nighttime combat.

 

Yes, that little clip with its elastic going under the mattress to the other side with its little clip is a miracle-worker!

This other one is perhaps not as common a problem. For one thing, some men always drive, although I think this is a mistake — if the husband doesn’t sometimes ride in the passenger seat, who will correct the wife’s bad driving habits? Surely not the four-year old… (You will just have to explain to him how to tell you that you’re making mistakes so he doesn’t stress you out… )

Anyway, we do share driving, and when I’m at the wheel; the issue is where to put my bag.

You probably have a van of some sort that has been designed with a spot for your handbag. For years our various Suburbans offered the middle seat or large console for my bag when I was driving. Little did I know the struggle that was in store for me when we downsized…

Now we have a Subaru Outback and my husband doesn’t like the bag at his feet. It annoys him. He finds it obtrusive. There it is: he would rather not.

But I don’t like it in the back seat (how will I reach my sunglasses or lip gloss?). If it’s on the console, it slides back and dumps its contents on the floor. I don’t know why they can’t make that thing with a lip of some sort…

Well, this car net object truly is a game-changer:

 

The lower straps cross under the console lid to secure it in my car, which is different from the photo; I think you just make it work depending on how your car is designed…

 

 

For under $10, peace is restored! I don’t know how many marriage counselors would charge $6.29 to eliminate your problems!

The bag sits on the console with no danger of falling backwards and all is well. Plus, bonus points, it has pockets that are handy for other little objects you would chuck on the passenger seat if your true love were not occupying it! Bridget, sitting in the backseat, put her phone in one of the pockets while it was connected to the sound system so we could listen to some of her songs.

So those are my marriage tips for this week! Go forth and multiply!

 

bits & piecesI found this helpful general information for fermenting foods: Salt and Brine For Fermenting Vegetables (Ultimate Guide)

 

And I’ve been making mayonnaise for a while on a regular basis now, using my stick blender. I had actually started pasteurizing the egg yolks for longer shelf life, as there are just the two of us, but just stumbled across this information about fermenting the mayo to accomplish the same goal! I am really excited about this.

 

How artisans dedicated to medieval methods of construction are restoring the Cathedral of Notre Dame

 

My son-in-law with tips on teaching art to children (he collaborated with me on the chapter in The Summa Domestica about this!)

 

from the archivesDon’t forget that a goal of this blog (and The Summa Domestica) is to encourage frugality and thrift — skills needed in this tougher times, as a reader recently reminded me! As the weather gets a bit nippier for some of us, think about soup! 

 

Women are propagandized to think that the only valid way to contribute to the household is with a paycheck, but without a household manager, we are sunk: Ask Auntie Leila: I feel guilty not working! 

 

follow us everywhere!

My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!

My “random thoughts no pictures” blog,  Happy Despite Them  — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!

My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there! 

Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:

Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!

Like LMLD on Facebook.

Follow LMLD on Twitter.

We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.

Auntie Leila’s Twitter.

Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)

Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.

The boards of the others:  Rosie’s Pinterest.  Sukie’s Pinterest.  Deirdre’s Pinterest.  Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!).  Bridget’s Pinterest.

The post Two purchases that saved my marriage appeared first on .

Dehydrating tomatoes and collecting propolis

Among the events of this past week, some little things, garden- and pantry-wise:

A steady, if modest, harvest. The onions and garlic are drying outside. I have some green beans in the freezer, along with grilled zucchini for future veggie lasagnas. The winter squash are looking good!

These are supposed to be sweet pie pumpkins, and I’m super excited about delicata squash:

 

Tomato-wise, I have salsa and a good amount of roasted tomatoes and sauce stashed away. I have an on-going system of letting the less ripe ones sit while I at least chop up and seed the more ripe ones — a bag of minimally processed tomato chunks is in the freezer, waiting for the others to catch up.

 

 

Note to self: plant fewer cherry tomatoes! They are a pain! To pick and to process! But the plants grow well from seed and I am a person who cannot bear to throw away even the tiniest little seedling! Meaning that I now am overrun with these dumb things!

 

 

That said, if I set myself up to go through a bunch (I can listen to a podcast while I do it, which makes up for not having little ones to fob the chore on), cut them in half, and dehydrate them, I am grateful in the winter for something tomato-y, rich, and sweet to chuck into a salad or a sauce.

I’m trying to be more confident in my dehydrating results and just keep the things in jars, rather than put them in the freezer — little things in my freezer(s) are hard to keep track of.

I hate rummaging for a handful of dried tomato when I’m making a salad. I’d be happier going into the pantry and seeing them on the shelf, and I think I have figured out how to determine if such things are really dry enough (vs. herbs which just become so crumbly that you know!).

I dehydrated some zucchini too! It’s amazing because this amount (2 pints) represents a few pounds of zukes!

 

I caught this photo from the porch: The Chief checking on the bees. We are hoping for a propolis harvest for the medicinal stash — you can read about that below, in the bits & pieces!

 

The fennel got a little out of control (and after the two ample, and so welcome, rainfalls of this week); it fell over and completely blocked my walkway!

Fennel hosts a vast array of predatory pollinators who apparently attack bad bugs. Maybe I should plant them among the squash — I was killing squash bugs while taking those photos, above!

And also these welcome lovelies:

 

Speaking of the pantry, I’m slowly tweaking my organization (they can put that on my gravestone, I guess), and I had the bright idea of moving the dehydrator from the mudroom to this spot.

I had had it out in the mudroom because it’s a bit noisy for the kitchen and it has a short cord, so needs to be near an outlet. But it’s silly to have it be something you see when you walk in, and obviously food belongs in the pantry!

I have to chuckle at my dehydrator when I see people’s extra-zowie-acme-deluxe models on Instagram, because I got it at a yard sale for $5 and it is clearly showing its age. Little pieces of it occasionally fall off, although I try to be more careful. But seriously, it works fine! You can regulate the heat and everything! I use it a lot to dry my herbs; they really do come out nicer if dehydrated with a little heat, as opposed to being left to air dry, but you also don’t want to heat them so much that they lose their potency — and my oven just gets too warm, even on the lowest setting.

 

bits & piecesA bit of “Doomsday Esolen,” but maybe also a reason to remain firm about taking charge of our children’s education: Imagine… What We Already ArePropolis information — so fascinating how nature works, and that we are able to hitch a rideAuntie Sue sent me the story of Abigail Becker, to add to last week’s post about amazing women. (Just switch the word “had” in the first sentence with her name, when you read that account of her heroism to your children!). And also Jane Whyte, who saved 11 sailors from the sea. Love that these ladies had a lot of children in between rescuing folks from drowning. (Award for best and absurdest non-sequitur to the author of that story, who irrelevantly opines, “This heroic lady was ahead of her time and it is fitting that the anniversary falls on the same year as the centenary of universal suffrage for women” as if having the vote would have done her any good or made her any more of a figure of honor. How many of us with the vote have odes written for us, I ask you? Isn’t it wonderful that in both cases, poems were written to commemorate these women’s acts. Maybe we should encourage our children to try their hand at similar tributes to their heroes!)It’s always good to talk about a Lewis book: Out of the Silent Planet: A Guidebook Against the “New Normal”We went to the movie theater the other night (more on my IG later), and the volume was much too loud. It’s no use saying that this perception is due to my age, because older people (myself included) tend to want the audio, on the TV for example, to be set a bit high. This was in the painful zone. Hugh Grant agrees. Calibrate, shmalibrate.Even a bald eagle had to be screened by the TSA before boarding!from the archivesSpeaking of… what Tony Esolen is speaking of: give your children the gift of Purity. Innocence is beautiful.Late summer, hot weather goodness: how to make a satisfying Salade Composée out of anything

 

liturgical living

St. Monica

 

follow us everywhere!

My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!

My “random thoughts no pictures” blog,  Happy Despite Them  — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!

My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there! 

Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:

Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!

Like LMLD on Facebook.

Follow LMLD on Twitter.

We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.

Auntie Leila’s Twitter.

Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)

Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.

The boards of the others:  Rosie’s Pinterest.  Sukie’s Pinterest.  Deirdre’s Pinterest.  Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.

The post Dehydrating tomatoes and collecting propolis appeared first on .

Husbands and how to understand them

Last Sunday the reading at Mass (new rite) was the Gospel that is rather uncomfortable: Luke 12:49-53, where Our Lord mentions all the various close relationships that the divisions of His fire-setting will cause.

Auntie Sue (that muse/sounding board/dependable guide of so much of what you read here, see Save a Step Cooking inter alia) pointed out to me that the litany we read there (father against son, mother against daughter, and so on), so painful to hear, has one important omission, and indeed in all of Scripture we do not find the idea of division in one relationship: husband and wife.

 

 

You know that I don’t give a lot of marriage advice here, because it’s awkward for me since my husband does read the blog and I have a keen awareness of my failings, but things have gotten to that point that I am willing to expose myself (not that he ever, ever faults me!).

I receive a lot of emails — a lot — on the subject of a husband who seems to refuse to have a meeting of minds with his wife (my correspondent) on matters of grave importance to her. Since the lockdown and the extreme events of the past two years, this situation has become an immediate crisis for many. Where husband and wife should be able to agree and be as one about how they will approach various questions, there is instead grievous conflict.

Let me give a little advice (bullet points below!) — advice that I have learned by observation and also “the hard way”!

There must be no conflict, no division between husband and wife! To arrive at a good outcome, we have to understand the dynamics of how spouses make decisions.

Some people are going to react to what I have to say with instant rejection; nevertheless, it’s the only way out if you’ve reached an impasse. The other way — division — is not an option! I’m not going to offer a lot of disclaimers. I haven’t found this advice anywhere else. I doubt anyone really knows what I’m going to say (unless you are one of the ones I responded to by email!).

 

It’s this.

We have to understand that the husband is the leader of the family, because there is hierarchy, not equality, in this relationship — as there is in every organic institution. The persons are equal in dignity, but one is the leader, and that is the man.

The husband is guided by the virtue of his wife and not her authority, but he is guided by it. He listens to her, much more than she thinks, when she speaks calmly. When she conveys to him assurance that she trusts his leadership (even when he falters and fails — remember, people respond to affirmation!), he then has the confidence to listen.

When he is not listening, there is something else going on, and I will try briefly to explain what that likely is. I don’t know every situation, so don’t bother commenting about that — I get it. but I have observed some things and it might help just to hear me out.

Husbands, fathers, have very little support for their leadership today. Every speck of entertainment mocks and belittles them. All our narratives are about women and what makes us happy, fulfilled, empowered, and so forth. No one cares a shred for what makes men happy; no one bothers to understand their psychology, though woe betide men if they don’t understand a woman’s!

Many men experience ridicule at work and/or in their extended family when the others discover that for instance, another baby has arrived, often put in crude terms. Remember, ladies, you probably don’t know how men talk to each other when you’re not present — I only have an inkling because I’ve overheard their accounts of events. We women have our shortcomings and men have theirs.

 

 

The prevailing idea is that marriage is a partnership and women should provide for material things equally; no one respects a man who supports his family.

And yet, deep within a man because he is a man is the need, the urge and instinct and drive, to provide and protect. It defines a man to be the leader of his household (even a man who is not a leader in his work or in the community).

This stark dichotomy between what our society (and even close family) think a man is and what he knows himself to be (even if he doesn’t admit it!) creates conflict within him. He can’t talk about it because… he’s a man! To mention it is to fail! Women express our stress over internal conflict by talking about it; men don’t — and cannot –express this particular conflict, because it would undermine their manhood to do so. Only we women have the freedom to speak of it, but our attention has been fixed elsewhere (namely, on our own sex).

Women are so used to being the center of attention these days that we project our mode of experience onto men, just as we project our reaction to immodesty, but that’s that other post!

 

My side-of-the-road chair! My husband isn’t fond of the (fabulous!) color but it goes perfectly in my sewing room so we’re good ;)

 

So a wife really has trouble interpreting her husband’s stony-faced resistance to her careful arguments and also, let’s be honest, rants, over current events and future plans and decisions. It’s not that he doesn’t respect your opinion. It’s that he is fighting another battle. It’s making him insane that you don’t realize that your very survival and that of your children depends on his ability to fight. This is his point of view — can you respect it?

The lockdown made this typical dynamic of our (feminist) times much worse, in that, added to all that other societal lack of affirmation, good men were suddenly faced with enforced inactivity (so inimical to the male spirit) and a sense of doom over which they had no control.

This exasperating and seemingly unreasonable unwillingness to listen to you, I hope you can begin to see, is your man’s effort to just try to reassert any control where he can, namely, in his own family. Don’t try to explain this to him either. Just understand it.

Husbands should make the ultimate decisions about the welfare of the family. They have the grace of state to see the big picture and not panic over details. Good wives understand that these ultimate decisions are very much informed by wifely wisdom; it’s all in how that wisdom is imparted.

Okay, here are the action items, and note that they do not include any focus on the problem but instead are about what the wife can do to remedy the situation in love and a generous spirit:

 

Affirm his protection and provision. Using specific language; every day mention your gratitude. Point out to the children that their father is a good provider and takes care of you all.

 

Ask him what he thinks about the topic that is troubling you: “What did you think about [mention current event in the news or some article you both read]?” Listen. Don’t offer your opinion just yet. Give him the sense that you have honestly listened (and ask yourself if you have hitherto given him this sense).

 

Understand and ponder the tremendous stress of being a husband and father in a world that sees no value in those roles, when his very being requires that he embrace them.

 

Genuinely, honestly, humbly question your own tone and timing in bringing stressful topics up. When a man carries the burden of his family’s well being around on his shoulders, he may not see the conversation in the abstract light you do. My choice of a time to discuss my views on this or that might not be his time (and vice versa! good to know these things! can I have my tea first!).You may take it for granted that he will be able to take care of you all and that he knows you think this, but what he hears in your voice and your words (even if you don’t mean it at all!) is “you can’t take care of us against this overwhelming onslaught!” and his natural reaction is to seek a solution — one you might not like. You would have better results if you didn’t push him into that corner!

 

Be calm and peaceful. God wants your marriage to be unified and strong. Our Lord, as the aunties are telling you, does not include “husband and wife” in His account of who, in that “household of five,” will be opposed.

 

Pray to St. Joseph, protector of the family.

Soon, if you sincerely take these steps, you will see a willingness in him to listen to you and see your point of view. Gracefully let him arrive at his own conclusions; let him lead, for your own good and the good of your family — and for his good! Be generous! Have a big heart!

Another possibility is that, after the effort of listening, you will honestly and without any difficulty arrive at the point where you change your own position (I know, I’m always right too! But it can happen!).

 

NB: Please try not to leave any personal details in any comment. You can always email me. Please don’t expose your husband in public! If your comment gets deleted it’s because I think it’s inappropriate.

NB 2: I have a lot of emails in my inbox. I’m about two weeks behind. If you wrote to me before that and I didn’t answer, please resend your email! Also search the archives here! I’m sorry!

 

PS: On Tuesday at 3pm Central 4pm Eastern I will be doing an Instagram live with dear Sofia if you are interested!

 

bits & piecesFamily read-alouds, from Joy Pullman

 

Yes, you need the liberal arts, from John Agresto “If we learn nothing else from classic literature, the great works of philosophy, or the study of historical figures, we should see that constraining freedom of the mind today leads to control in other, perhaps all, areas of human life and flourishing later.”

 

Real women of the Wild West (just so you know my anti-feminism doesn’t have anything to do with thinking women can’t sling a gun or anything)(not endorsing prostitution but some of these stories are epic)

 

I have not listened to these podcasts, but a close friend, father of 10, finds that his history-buff sons (13 on up) really enjoy them. He says, “I can’t vouch for all of Jocko’s podcasts but this one with Mike Durant is excellent.” From the bio: “Retired Navy SEAL, Jocko Willink and Director, Echo Charles discuss discipline and leadership in business, war, relationships and everyday life.” My friend recommended this one and this one so far.

 

I like much of Laurel’s decorating blog for what I’m always saying about training your eye, and this post about whether yellow walls should be hated is a good example (I love yellow walls as you can tell!).

 

from the archivesI actually did say to spank everyone all the time, as that one mean and humor-deprived reviewer on Amazon pointed out!

 

Surfing your day

 

liturgical living

St. Bernard, a truly amazing saint!

 

follow us everywhere!

My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!

My “random thoughts no pictures” blog,  Happy Despite Them  — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!

My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there! 

Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:

Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!

Like LMLD on Facebook.

Follow LMLD on Twitter.

We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.

Auntie Leila’s Twitter.

Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)

Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.

The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.≈

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