Husbands and how to understand them
Last Sunday the reading at Mass (new rite) was the Gospel that is rather uncomfortable: Luke 12:49-53, where Our Lord mentions all the various close relationships that the divisions of His fire-setting will cause.
Auntie Sue (that muse/sounding board/dependable guide of so much of what you read here, see Save a Step Cooking inter alia) pointed out to me that the litany we read there (father against son, mother against daughter, and so on), so painful to hear, has one important omission, and indeed in all of Scripture we do not find the idea of division in one relationship: husband and wife.
You know that I don’t give a lot of marriage advice here, because it’s awkward for me since my husband does read the blog and I have a keen awareness of my failings, but things have gotten to that point that I am willing to expose myself (not that he ever, ever faults me!).
I receive a lot of emails — a lot — on the subject of a husband who seems to refuse to have a meeting of minds with his wife (my correspondent) on matters of grave importance to her. Since the lockdown and the extreme events of the past two years, this situation has become an immediate crisis for many. Where husband and wife should be able to agree and be as one about how they will approach various questions, there is instead grievous conflict.
Let me give a little advice (bullet points below!) — advice that I have learned by observation and also “the hard way”!
There must be no conflict, no division between husband and wife! To arrive at a good outcome, we have to understand the dynamics of how spouses make decisions.
Some people are going to react to what I have to say with instant rejection; nevertheless, it’s the only way out if you’ve reached an impasse. The other way — division — is not an option! I’m not going to offer a lot of disclaimers. I haven’t found this advice anywhere else. I doubt anyone really knows what I’m going to say (unless you are one of the ones I responded to by email!).
It’s this.
We have to understand that the husband is the leader of the family, because there is hierarchy, not equality, in this relationship — as there is in every organic institution. The persons are equal in dignity, but one is the leader, and that is the man.
The husband is guided by the virtue of his wife and not her authority, but he is guided by it. He listens to her, much more than she thinks, when she speaks calmly. When she conveys to him assurance that she trusts his leadership (even when he falters and fails — remember, people respond to affirmation!), he then has the confidence to listen.
When he is not listening, there is something else going on, and I will try briefly to explain what that likely is. I don’t know every situation, so don’t bother commenting about that — I get it. but I have observed some things and it might help just to hear me out.
Husbands, fathers, have very little support for their leadership today. Every speck of entertainment mocks and belittles them. All our narratives are about women and what makes us happy, fulfilled, empowered, and so forth. No one cares a shred for what makes men happy; no one bothers to understand their psychology, though woe betide men if they don’t understand a woman’s!
Many men experience ridicule at work and/or in their extended family when the others discover that for instance, another baby has arrived, often put in crude terms. Remember, ladies, you probably don’t know how men talk to each other when you’re not present — I only have an inkling because I’ve overheard their accounts of events. We women have our shortcomings and men have theirs.
The prevailing idea is that marriage is a partnership and women should provide for material things equally; no one respects a man who supports his family.
And yet, deep within a man because he is a man is the need, the urge and instinct and drive, to provide and protect. It defines a man to be the leader of his household (even a man who is not a leader in his work or in the community).
This stark dichotomy between what our society (and even close family) think a man is and what he knows himself to be (even if he doesn’t admit it!) creates conflict within him. He can’t talk about it because… he’s a man! To mention it is to fail! Women express our stress over internal conflict by talking about it; men don’t — and cannot –express this particular conflict, because it would undermine their manhood to do so. Only we women have the freedom to speak of it, but our attention has been fixed elsewhere (namely, on our own sex).
Women are so used to being the center of attention these days that we project our mode of experience onto men, just as we project our reaction to immodesty, but that’s that other post!
My side-of-the-road chair! My husband isn’t fond of the (fabulous!) color but it goes perfectly in my sewing room so we’re good ;)
So a wife really has trouble interpreting her husband’s stony-faced resistance to her careful arguments and also, let’s be honest, rants, over current events and future plans and decisions. It’s not that he doesn’t respect your opinion. It’s that he is fighting another battle. It’s making him insane that you don’t realize that your very survival and that of your children depends on his ability to fight. This is his point of view — can you respect it?
The lockdown made this typical dynamic of our (feminist) times much worse, in that, added to all that other societal lack of affirmation, good men were suddenly faced with enforced inactivity (so inimical to the male spirit) and a sense of doom over which they had no control.
This exasperating and seemingly unreasonable unwillingness to listen to you, I hope you can begin to see, is your man’s effort to just try to reassert any control where he can, namely, in his own family. Don’t try to explain this to him either. Just understand it.
Husbands should make the ultimate decisions about the welfare of the family. They have the grace of state to see the big picture and not panic over details. Good wives understand that these ultimate decisions are very much informed by wifely wisdom; it’s all in how that wisdom is imparted.
Okay, here are the action items, and note that they do not include any focus on the problem but instead are about what the wife can do to remedy the situation in love and a generous spirit:
Affirm his protection and provision. Using specific language; every day mention your gratitude. Point out to the children that their father is a good provider and takes care of you all.
Ask him what he thinks about the topic that is troubling you: “What did you think about [mention current event in the news or some article you both read]?” Listen. Don’t offer your opinion just yet. Give him the sense that you have honestly listened (and ask yourself if you have hitherto given him this sense).
Understand and ponder the tremendous stress of being a husband and father in a world that sees no value in those roles, when his very being requires that he embrace them.
Genuinely, honestly, humbly question your own tone and timing in bringing stressful topics up. When a man carries the burden of his family’s well being around on his shoulders, he may not see the conversation in the abstract light you do. My choice of a time to discuss my views on this or that might not be his time (and vice versa! good to know these things! can I have my tea first!).You may take it for granted that he will be able to take care of you all and that he knows you think this, but what he hears in your voice and your words (even if you don’t mean it at all!) is “you can’t take care of us against this overwhelming onslaught!” and his natural reaction is to seek a solution — one you might not like. You would have better results if you didn’t push him into that corner!
Be calm and peaceful. God wants your marriage to be unified and strong. Our Lord, as the aunties are telling you, does not include “husband and wife” in His account of who, in that “household of five,” will be opposed.
Pray to St. Joseph, protector of the family.
Soon, if you sincerely take these steps, you will see a willingness in him to listen to you and see your point of view. Gracefully let him arrive at his own conclusions; let him lead, for your own good and the good of your family — and for his good! Be generous! Have a big heart!
Another possibility is that, after the effort of listening, you will honestly and without any difficulty arrive at the point where you change your own position (I know, I’m always right too! But it can happen!).
NB: Please try not to leave any personal details in any comment. You can always email me. Please don’t expose your husband in public! If your comment gets deleted it’s because I think it’s inappropriate.
NB 2: I have a lot of emails in my inbox. I’m about two weeks behind. If you wrote to me before that and I didn’t answer, please resend your email! Also search the archives here! I’m sorry!
PS: On Tuesday at 3pm Central 4pm Eastern I will be doing an Instagram live with dear Sofia if you are interested!
bits & piecesFamily read-alouds, from Joy Pullman
Yes, you need the liberal arts, from John Agresto “If we learn nothing else from classic literature, the great works of philosophy, or the study of historical figures, we should see that constraining freedom of the mind today leads to control in other, perhaps all, areas of human life and flourishing later.”
Real women of the Wild West (just so you know my anti-feminism doesn’t have anything to do with thinking women can’t sling a gun or anything)(not endorsing prostitution but some of these stories are epic)
I have not listened to these podcasts, but a close friend, father of 10, finds that his history-buff sons (13 on up) really enjoy them. He says, “I can’t vouch for all of Jocko’s podcasts but this one with Mike Durant is excellent.” From the bio: “Retired Navy SEAL, Jocko Willink and Director, Echo Charles discuss discipline and leadership in business, war, relationships and everyday life.” My friend recommended this one and this one so far.
I like much of Laurel’s decorating blog for what I’m always saying about training your eye, and this post about whether yellow walls should be hated is a good example (I love yellow walls as you can tell!).
from the archivesI actually did say to spank everyone all the time, as that one mean and humor-deprived reviewer on Amazon pointed out!
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