Two purchases that saved my marriage
Perhaps I exaggerate slightly to get your attention on a late Saturday morning! Let’s say, “Made things less stressful and thereby enhanced a pretty good thing that I wouldn’t want to disrupt unnecessarily.”
I will get to it, but first —
Here are pictures of us at the Opening Night of our friend Bill McCann’s film The Liberator. When it comes out on DVD and I’m not also giving marriage tips, I will explain more.
Basically, for decades he had wanted to write a screenplay about Daniel O’Connell, the liberator of Ireland. The whole homeschooling and church community here, along with friends of his from other, similar communities, helped him produce it. His dream was realized! This event struck me so strongly how we can affect the culture when enough people support creativity in their life choices.
My husband had a small (but effective! and compelling!) supporting role, so naturally we wanted to represent on the red carpet (of our local cinema)! Rosie had thrifted the dress and given it to me, and so I went for it! “It’s not church so I think you should wear it, Mom” (Thrifted shoes, thrifted bag! Fun!)
Back to marriage…
The other week I had a pretty serious post about the uptick in my “marriage distress” emails and what to do about it. I was talking about major differences of opinion and how to approach them.
But even normally, there are little frictions that come about over ordinary things that aren’t even a matter of opinion, but are exacerbated due to personality differences — whether one is normally somewhat gloomy or cheerful — and even superficial reactions that could be rooted in trauma.
For instance, when one party (let’s call her Chappie A) grew up with divorce or alcoholism or some other such deep issue, something as small as a reaction to a problem can send her into a mini-tailspin. A tailspin that could be avoided with awareness, but even she might not realize what’s going on.
If I say, “Oh, just so you know, the upstairs faucet is dripping,” or “the raccoon knocked over the feed barrel,” Chappie B will fix it. But if he responds by saying, “Oh dear! No, really! Ugh!” I get a panic attack and react by going into defensive mode, creating all sorts of unnecessary issues in my marriage. But if Chappie B is suitably warned and responds with a cheery “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it,” I will be serene.
I found this out when I realized why I treasured the handyman who helped us out when we moved here. His reaction to every situation was, “Oh, no problem, I can fix that” and it just made life so much nicer!
Once Chappie B understands, in love, the reason for the inner disturbance, he will make the effort… and then he can avoid having Chappie A run off with the handyman!
Just kidding, but honestly, how many real issues stem from not being understood…
And of course, Chappie B has his disproportionate reactions too. If I can remember to answer his questions patiently and not think I have already gone over it all when I really haven’t but have only thought about it, Chappie B can handle life better. I think this might come from having been fifth in the birth order at home, with four sisters having come first. An only child like me just has trouble getting it.
I think it’s worth trying to figure out what seemingly unimportant particulars simply stress you out in your marriage so that you can work to be kinder about them.
There could be an occasional “free and frank discussion” about admittedly silly things that plunge us down the wrong turning, mood-wise. Since there are so many actual, unforeseeable stressors, why allow the little everyday ones to go unchecked?
And then forgiveness too, for forgetting. Forgiveness lowers stress, don’t forget!
Anyway, here are the two very inexpensive products that have saved my marriage or just made it go a lot smoother (these products can be found in various places but if you order using my affiliate link, I get a small, really small, commission at no cost to you):
A blanket clip — “Blanket Buddy”. Why it is that approximately 38 years into our marriage my husband should start pulling the covers off me in our sleep I do not know. But for $12.50 we are now not locked in desperate nighttime combat.
Yes, that little clip with its elastic going under the mattress to the other side with its little clip is a miracle-worker!
This other one is perhaps not as common a problem. For one thing, some men always drive, although I think this is a mistake — if the husband doesn’t sometimes ride in the passenger seat, who will correct the wife’s bad driving habits? Surely not the four-year old… (You will just have to explain to him how to tell you that you’re making mistakes so he doesn’t stress you out… )
Anyway, we do share driving, and when I’m at the wheel; the issue is where to put my bag.
You probably have a van of some sort that has been designed with a spot for your handbag. For years our various Suburbans offered the middle seat or large console for my bag when I was driving. Little did I know the struggle that was in store for me when we downsized…
Now we have a Subaru Outback and my husband doesn’t like the bag at his feet. It annoys him. He finds it obtrusive. There it is: he would rather not.
But I don’t like it in the back seat (how will I reach my sunglasses or lip gloss?). If it’s on the console, it slides back and dumps its contents on the floor. I don’t know why they can’t make that thing with a lip of some sort…
Well, this car net object truly is a game-changer:
The lower straps cross under the console lid to secure it in my car, which is different from the photo; I think you just make it work depending on how your car is designed…
For under $10, peace is restored! I don’t know how many marriage counselors would charge $6.29 to eliminate your problems!
The bag sits on the console with no danger of falling backwards and all is well. Plus, bonus points, it has pockets that are handy for other little objects you would chuck on the passenger seat if your true love were not occupying it! Bridget, sitting in the backseat, put her phone in one of the pockets while it was connected to the sound system so we could listen to some of her songs.
So those are my marriage tips for this week! Go forth and multiply!
bits & piecesI found this helpful general information for fermenting foods: Salt and Brine For Fermenting Vegetables (Ultimate Guide)
And I’ve been making mayonnaise for a while on a regular basis now, using my stick blender. I had actually started pasteurizing the egg yolks for longer shelf life, as there are just the two of us, but just stumbled across this information about fermenting the mayo to accomplish the same goal! I am really excited about this.
How artisans dedicated to medieval methods of construction are restoring the Cathedral of Notre Dame
My son-in-law with tips on teaching art to children (he collaborated with me on the chapter in The Summa Domestica about this!)
from the archivesDon’t forget that a goal of this blog (and The Summa Domestica) is to encourage frugality and thrift — skills needed in this tougher times, as a reader recently reminded me! As the weather gets a bit nippier for some of us, think about soup!
Women are propagandized to think that the only valid way to contribute to the household is with a paycheck, but without a household manager, we are sunk: Ask Auntie Leila: I feel guilty not working!
follow us everywhere!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
The post Two purchases that saved my marriage appeared first on .
