Leila Marie Lawler's Blog, page 11
July 15, 2023
Summertime
Kitchen still all “system processing, please stand by”!
Plumbing, electrical… not very photogenic! But oh my, decisions…
I will confess that as an inveterate “Make Do-er” and “Lick-o-paint-er” it’s not easy for me to deal with a blank canvas. In a way, I’m glad the kitchen space is, to put it mildly, quirky in its layout, because I do need some constraints. There will be oddities and that is all to the good.
Pattern Language Corner
Since I’m eliminating a small counter when you first come in through the mudroom (which is the way everyone comes in, though this renovation will, I hope, ultimately include a revival of what we call “the real front door), and instead putting the refrigerator there with its side cabinet facing you as you enter, I am trying to figure out The Waist-High Shelf.
201 Waist-High Shelf
. . . anywhere where there are open shelves, and around any room which tends to accumulate potted plants, books, plates, bits of paper, boxes, beautiful vases, and little things you have picked up along your travels, there is a need for space where these things can lie undisturbed, without making the room a mess Thick Walls (197), Open Shelves (200).
Yes, true, but more to the point, the things you must put down as you enter:
In every house and every workplace there is a daily “traffic” of the objects which are handled most. Unless such things are immediately at hand, the flow of life is awkward, full of mistakes; things are forgotten, misplaced.
Alexander doesn’t quite come out and say it here, but there are things in flux: incoming mail (even though I have bins in the mudroom; now that there are only the two of us, we tend to bring it right in), outgoing items such as a letter to be posted, or a screwdriver that needs to get out to the toolbox in the garage, or a book I want to lend someone; and there is no use combatting the urge to put them down at waist height.
The thinking is that “this is just here for the nonce,” so no amount of effort to get the person to put it “where it belongs” will work.
The need for a surface is real.
That gray object where the arrow is pointing is the fridge. It used to be a counter (small and in the way, but still).
So I am going to have my eye out for a little shallow shelf of some kind that can go there.
I am also choosing light fixtures and driving myself insane on FB Marketplace, only because I actually am finding treasures there! I hope next week to show you one of the items I found!
Meanwhile, if you want to see the overall view inside my head, you can peruse my Pinterest board. I cannot extol highly enough this tool for figuring out what you like. Some of the pins contain only one detail that I want, so not every look is what I am going for. But you can get the overall idea, I think! Note that there are sub-categories on there, and again, this is an invaluable means of finally making a decision, even if what you say is that you love it all!
Enough about all that! I don’t want to drive you as crazy as I am driving all my relatives and friends!
We had a lovely time in Maine with the family!
We learned to play Mah Jongg, which was good because it rained a lot! Also it was tons of fun.
My first win:
The Chief’s first — and this was something, because normally he only likes to play Bridge and Chess.
Our two daughters-in-law are expecting! Jaime (left) in September and Natasha in October! We had fun baby showers while we were gathered. These will be our eighteenth and nineteenth grandchildren! We are so excited!
And of course, there was plenty of going in the water, even in the pouring rain.
When the sun shone, it shone.
We were so sad to have Rosie and her family not join, due to chicken pox, and of course to have our Army Doctor son-in-law still deployed (I hope as you read this, he is coming home!). We did have some extra time with Suki and children, who extended their visit with us afterwards:
But we were all together in spirit, and the important thing I want you to know is that if you are two straggly people trying to do your best raising your children and being generous even in the midst of suffering, pain, and a general sense of not knowing how things will turn out, just hang in there and you too can sit back after almost 44 years and see what comes of it.
Even if some or all of it gets taken away, and even if you struggle with yourself, as we all do, such is our lot in life — knowing that you persevered is an incredible reward.
May we all persevere until the very end!
Gardening Corner
The July garden is nowhere near as photogenic as the June garden, especially if you flit away for a time, but just to up the ante:
But actually these are bags of gardening gold — seaweed!! Can’t wait to mulch things with it!
How am I going to make pickles without a kitchen??
I will take them over to Deirdre’s and she will do it! Her incentive is that her family loves my Bread and Butter Pickles!
The rain…
The garlic is ready to be harvested!
Book Corner
You know how much I love and reference St. John Henry Newman. I have read and re-read his sermons in Parochial and Plain Sermons, published by Ignatius Press. I have had it for decades. (Affiliate link. I realize this volume is pricey and you may be able to find it used, but eschew the Kindle version.) The paper is thin and the text has barely any paragraph returns, because they were fitting them all in one volume, which I appreciate. Reading the sermons is an exercise in just deciding to do what it takes to keep going — an exercise and decision that has great rewards, however, because Newman’s spiritual insight grounds the reader in Scripture and in his mind, a mind formed by long and deep study of the Bible, the Church Fathers, and history. Newman’s understanding and his closeness to Christ make him a director of the soul on a par with St. Francis de Sales.
As soon as Professor Melinda Nielsen gave me the news of her project to produce this volume of Newman’s sermons, I began jumping for joy!
I want more people to know and love Newman as I do! But that other book is so forbidding, and I am not a fan of a certain ongoing project to render his works in so-called “more understandable English.” Hard no from me.
The beauty of Festivals of Faith is that it uses the organizing principle of the liturgy (which Newman himself used, of course) to present a small selection of these gems as they originally appeared, that can be read and pondered according to the season. It must have hurt to make choices here (I know I could not do it), but it’s a valuable offering.
The physical book is of high quality, with pages that lay flat. It does my heart good to see this well produced hardback book from The Cenacle Press of the Silverstream Priory. Melinda’s introduction is an excellent overview of Newman’s sermons’ content as well as their effects on those who heard them. I appreciated what she writes of the accounts of his beautiful voice and strong effect on his listeners, because I often wonder how his long and substantial sermons were actually received. It requires so much concentration (richly rewarded, but still!) to read them; how was it to hear them? But according to her, they were life-changing in person. I know they are life-changing to me!
Melinda wrote in her email to me:
I am thinking in particular of all the well-educated housewives I know who would love Newman but might find that massive book overwhelming or not know where to start. I know you love Newman’s homilies too and are often recommending them, so I wanted to reach out to you and let you know about the project. (A second volume, Holiness at Home: in the school of St. John Henry Newman is in the works!)
That parenthetical comment makes me especially happy! Remember that the miracle for this supposedly dour Oxford don’s canonization involved the rescue of a mother and her unborn baby, as I wrote briefly about here!
You can buy Festivals of faith at Sophia Institute Press, which might be easier for Americans, but know that the monks at Silverstream Priory benefit if you purchase from them.
Knitting Corner
This little set is proving hard to take a picture of. In any case, it’s not blocked yet. I will attempt my first steeking here, cutting into the front of the sweater to install the zipper! When my kids were little, someone gave me a sweet little baby sweater that zipped, and I loved it. So much easier than buttons! I did short rows to lower the front neckline and left a good margin so that the zipper won’t stick up into baby’s neck. (It might look a bit wide, but that’s because there is extra there for zipper insertion. You’ll see.)
As you can see, I also made a cap, but maybe it’s not little enough? I see-saw between “infants’ heads are enormous” and “this is too big.” I might do another, smaller one when I have a chance to grab a handy baby to try it on.
By the way, and this is not an ad, I recommend . They will customize the zipper too (and it’s cheap) — and send it fast. Beats going to Joann’s and rummaging through their meager or nugatory offerings, only to be scolded by someone who is not going to help you.
bits & piecesThe son of a friend of LMLD intelligently discusses one of my favorite books, Dan Toma’s Vestige of Eden, Image of Eternity: Common Experience, the Hierarchy of Being, and Modern Science
This will be right up the road from me! Join the Church Music Association of America for an enriching and transformative experience at the Fall Sacred Music Workshop for Chant and Polyphony. Taking place on October 12-14 at the serene St. Benedict Abbey in Still River, Massachusetts
from the archivesI would probably refine a few of my pronouncements here, and add many more, but it’s all true: Decorating mistakes real people make by taking design ideas seriously.
What is common experience?
liturgical livingfollow us everywhere! share us with your friends!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
The post Summertime appeared first on Like Mother, Like Daughter.
June 24, 2023
This and that
Raise your children to take disruptions in stride, and they will grow up to come visit you when you don’t even have a kitchen and have to grill food in the drizzle and make your tea and toast in the dining room amidst the temporary shelving! “Are you sure? You know we don’t have a kitchen.” “Is it okay for us to descend when you don’t have a kitchen? We are happy camping with you.”
The important thing is — we are together!
Yesterday we went to The Garden in the Woods. If you are in the area, it’s a wonderful little nature trail just west of Boston (and east of us) that’s well worth a visit.
Garden in the Woods began in 1931 when Will C. Curtis, a self-trained botanist and landscape architecture graduate of Cornell University, purchased 30 acres in north Framingham. He began clearing, planting, and sharing his garden with others. When he opened the garden to the public in 1934, Curtis wrote: “I am bringing together all the Wild Flowers and Ferns hardy in this latitude and establishing them in natural environments where they can easily be reached and enjoyed by the interested public.”
“Although the plantings look spontaneous, most of the plants were raised from seeds cultivated at the Society’s Nasami Farm nursery and meticulously placed in the landscape.” (from the Enchanted Gardens blog)
Nestled into a hill is a fun little playground made to delight children and keep them busy building with big blocks and saplings, and exploring a hobbit tunnel and little woodland library!
The kitchen is getting some framing for walls and ceiling!
Since we don’t have AC, I am thinking of installing big ceiling fans. I think it would work to have one in each spot marked by red, the larger dot for a larger fan. Then I wouldn’t need a fan/light fixture over the kitchen table, but could just have a chandelier. This is the sort of thing I would rather decide when everything is completely finished, but of course the electrician needs to be able to set it up! Thoughts?
I probably won’t be posting next Saturday! See you after that!
Knitting Corner
I set aside my Altheda sweater and my little airplane project of a pair of socks (don’t think I’ve shown those to you yet) to make a little something for an impending grandchild! I will show more later! (Clearly I am not a focused knitter!)
Book Corner
Do you know about Slightly Foxed? I came across this publishing company somehow, and have been enjoying it.
The independent-minded quarterly magazine that combines good looks, good writing and a personal approach. Slightly Foxed introduces its readers to books that are no longer new and fashionable but have lasting appeal. Good-humoured, unpretentious and a bit eccentric, it’s more like having a well-read friend than a literary review magazine subscription.
The newsletter has delightful articles (I think I have shared at least one with you, on P. G. Wodehouse) and has been offering books that have fallen out of circulation but are worth rediscovering.
The nice lady there sent me a few review copies and I love that they are produced with old-fashioned care — the Letters book has a ribbon, which you know I love! The cloth covered hardback books open flat and are bound sturdily.
One of my granddaughters, Eva, snatched up Down the Bright Stream from my stack and made off with it! She wrote a little review that I think shows that she probably should have started with the first book, The Little Grey Men; but she did enjoy it. She reports, “It is about 4 gnomes… [their] home is ruined by humans. They have to flee to Ireland… Over all it is a very charming book,” though “the only part I did not like is that a once good gnome who turned bad died. I think he should have reformed.”
They have a book club for children! I have not read these books, so you will have to proceed under your own steam (and advisement).
I will say that when I wrote for review copies, I put my cards on the table:
I am wondering if you would be willing to send me review copies of anything you think would appeal to my readers, who are generally book collectors and searchers for solid content. Specifically, we are always in search of publications that are not tainted with identity politics, especially for children. It has become almost impossible to find a children’s magazine or book (let alone curriculum) of any kind that is free from an agenda. My hunch is that your publications for children are old-fashioned (I don’t know another way to put this — I just want books and magazines aimed at delighting and edifying the child rather than indoctrinating him). If that is correct, I would be thrilled to share them with my readers.
Mrs. Jess Dalby responded quickly, with a heartiness that encourages me, and I encourage you to see if there is anything over at Slightly Foxed’s many offerings that would prove a good addition to your library!
bits & piecesMy newest podcast is up! I talked about how to teach children about beauty. In a way you could say it’s the whole telos or end of education.
View this “Safety School” video before showing your children, to see if you think it would be helpful. It’s about being safe out and about. I’m a big believer in children running around, going to the playground and corner store on their bikes, and being free to come and go. But we also need to talk to them about street smarts and relying on their own common sense.
I think the video makes good points. I would highlight the one that encourages the child to know that a disruption that would normally be highly naughty is a good thing in an emergency. Let them know that they absolutely should go ahead and knock things off shelves, blow the horn, tip things over, and so on, if you are in danger.
I like that he makes the distinction between good and bad strangers. Children can tell that most people are not out to get them, and we want to bring them up to be open to conversations and interactions, not to feel that every person they don’t know is a threat. His point that you have to listen to your own inner warnings is a good one. Children should also mostly go places at least in pairs, or with a dog!
An extremely important point to make to children, not really brought up in the video: RIGHT AWAY is the best time to resist. Bad guys are cowards and are less likely to persist with a child in public who won’t let go of his bike, is screaming and yelling, and in general seems to be a poor target for his nefarious intentions. But once the child is in the car or van, the chance of things going wrong is much, much higher.
It might happen that you need to send a friend to pick your child up unexpectedly — this is where the family code word comes in handy.
Somewhere I do have a post about all this, but I can’t find it right now! Your children will be fine, armed with confidence.
By the way, I would say that the current fashion to refrain from judging destroys common sense. While it’s true that not every outwardly disheveled person is a criminal, as the man in the video points out, it is definitely true that there will be an indefinable something, almost always, that tips you off to keep your distance — and that something can be present in someone well groomed, though disorder is certainly a clue.
Don’t teach your children to override that observation. Later, in the company of his trusted people, the child may have the opportunity to discover the person’s true worth. But at the time, he has only his judgement to rely upon. Trust is earned, not bestowed, and his safety depends on it.
from the archives
Looking for a good list of books to read with your St. Greg’s Pocket (or other group or friend?)? I have this one.
By the way, if you are looking to start or revive a Pocket, add me as admin on your FB group and I will help you.
liturgical living
The Nativity of St. John the Baptist — read here for how even St. Augustine was at a loss for words about the importance and meaning of this feast!
follow us everywhere! share us with your friends!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
The post This and that appeared first on Like Mother, Like Daughter.
June 17, 2023
Kitchen update, with chitchat!
People who are redoing their kitchens are just as distracted as those planning a wedding. Their minds have been taken over, totally invaded, by all the possibilities, constraints, worries, and plans, and they are thwarted, thwarted I tell you, by the world and its delays and obstacles and sheer abundance of materiality, and obsessed by an unattainable search for perfection. They can’t think about anything else! Or talk about anything else…
But anyway, here I go, haha… hampered in giving you the complete vision, as in my experience, pictures of demo and framing are impenetrable. But longtime readers might have the befores in mind and be able to interpret a tiny bit…
The parts circled in red are gone now!
My operating principles: I am striving for an unfitted kitchen and for observing the Patterns. My reality: a total gut turned out to be necessary, and with such a quirky, actually limited work space, despite the large overall area, I feel the responsibility to get as much storage in and to make it as tight as possible. So I am not sure how much actual “furniture” can be substituted for cabinetry, which in any case will not be abundant — it’s just how the layout is! There isn’t much room for any of it!
What I mean is this: I think a lot of kitchen energy is taken up with addressing dust, grease, and food getting into cracks and behind and under things, so I want to minimize all that by having cabinets that are custom built to use the space well.
The floor will go right up to the walls, so it will be a room that you cook and visit in (the idea behind unfitted kitchens— not, as some seem to think, that it’s about there being open shelves). The appliances… oh, the vexing appliances… I will try to be functional and reasonable. More on that later.
Here is the floor plan:
However, as I say, the wall to the left of the sliding door is gone!!
This is huge. More later.
If you go to my IG, there is a new highlight about the demo that explains more.
I have decided on windows and doors. They will have mullions/divided lights (as “true” as today’s manufacturers can make them while still offering insulation etc). The windows will be casement; the doors will be French doors in style, but the slider has to slide, as there is no room for it to open inwards and outwards is impractical here. I found a brand-new glass-paned door with tempered glass on Facebook Marketplace for $175! So I am very excited about that, and how it will relieve the sort of “dark cave” feeling from the mudroom into the kitchen.
Here is my inspiration photo for windows:
And I will have something similar on the side to the right: not a wall but the cabinet for the fridge. I just love the coziness of this image. My windows will be larger, because I am also trying to get more light in here.
Christopher Alexander’s pattern about the question: 239 Small Panes**
Another argument for small panes: Modern architecture and building have deliberately tried to make windows less like windows and more as though there was nothing between you and the outdoors. Yet this entirely contradicts the nature of windows. It is the function of windows to offer a view and provide a relationship to the outside, true. But this does not mean that they should not at the same time, like the walls and roof, give you a sense of protection and shelter from the outside. It is uncomfortable to feel that there is nothing between you and the outside, when in fact you are inside a building. It is the nature of windows to give you a relationship to the outside and at the same time give a sense of enclosure.
My overall vision is “English country kitchen meets New England Vernacular Georgian Revival of 1860,” which I possibly just made up.
Knitting Corner
I don’t think I ever showed you the finished Selbu mittens?
They were, honestly, a pain to make. The project is too small to make sense enough to memorize (or maybe I’m too distracted). However, I do love them. Don’t look at the mistakes!
Gardening Corner
We have had so much rain. Other than the peppers and eggplants, which find everything too cool, most things are loving it. I have that ugly row cover out there to shade the lettuce from the hot sun when it does choose to appear, because around this time of year it tries hard to bolt.
The slugs are having a wild party, but otherwise, things are looking good! Note to self: time to harvest garlic scapes. Further note: I don’t have a kitchen in which to prepare them…
Book Corner
Two books on my mind:
The Friendship of Christ (affiliate link) is an important spiritual classic. I decided to re-read it after I found it in my mother’s bookshelves in her room. It gets to the heart of our problems, that we don’t abandon ourselves to true friendship with Our Lord. If you are looking for spiritual reading, I highly recommend. (This edition says that the scripture citations have been modernized. I can’t find what version they use.)
The second was one I pulled out to reference in the new podcast I made, coming out soon on the Center for the Restoration of Christian Culture site: Ask Auntie Leila: How do I teach my son beauty?
The son in question is 10 years old, and as his mom points out, teaching him will be key to bringing his siblings along. She asked for resources, but my answer is more about the whole of the child’s education, which must be approached patiently and in harmony with his natural development. This is what I try to convey in all my curriculum advice, which is meant to offer guiding principles around the task of conveying fittingness and order so that ultimately, we may attain wonder.
I hope you can give it a listen!
Meanwhile, I do again recommend The Way of Beauty (affiliate link) to your attention if you have not already gotten it. David Clayton articulates an objective approach to beauty in a way I have not encountered anywhere else.
bits & piecesIf you live in Central Massachusetts, you need to attend to this ongoing poll conducted by the regional paper: Down to the final 8: Best Ice Cream Stand in Central Mass. Have your say. The responsible citizen will do his duty and conduct nothing less than the most thorough research, before concluding that Rota Spring is indeed the best!C. S. Lewis on how to enjoy prayer.Possibly of interest to your children this summer (at least I hope you can enjoy the sand somewhere!): How does sand stick together?My dear friend Mary Eileen recommends Cindy Rollins’ newsletter as down to earth musings on homeschooling and more: Over the Back Fence (great name!)
from the archivesI hope you have lots of read-alouds planned this summer! Here’s a little tutorial for how to be a good reader, but remember, your children love having you read to them no matter what — even the ones who can read for themselves. And taking out a fun chapter book is a good way to get them to settle down for an hour, taking a needed break from otherwise non-stop fun and running around!The feast of the Nativity of St. John the Baptist is coming up! The solstice is the natural world’s observation of change, but the Church offers us a way to incorporate it into a heavenly celebration, ultimately pointing to Christ. We need to reclaim these things and not let the world impose its material view, exclusively. If you are going to have a mid-summer bonfire, may I humbly suggest you have it on or around the 24th?
liturgical living
Today is The Immaculate Heart of Mary!
follow us everywhere! share us with your friends!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
The post Kitchen update, with chitchat! appeared first on Like Mother, Like Daughter.
June 10, 2023
“She pondered”
Explanation is great, and obviously it’s something I indulge in often! It’s my hobby, my passion, my possibly annoying habit.
Want to know how to set up a prayer space? I wrote thousands of words about it.
Want to know how to nurse your baby? I have chapters.
Heck, I even told you how to take a shower. (My Mom: “Why… why would you write a post about taking a shower?” Me: “Mom, you have no idea how many people have written to me to thank me and tell me they found the blog because they searched ‘how do I take a shower'”)
But…
I have to address a situation.
Possibly due to a prolific industry in some people explaining everything to other people, and again, I fully admit my complicity, a strange phenomenon has arisen.
Far from people getting more confident about the things they need to accomplish to live life, raise children, and know God, I sense more anxiety on these matters. It’s almost as if the more an outsider tells a person what to do and think, the less able that person feels.
A lovely lady at a talk I recently gave totally made my day by saying that she thought The Summa Domestica is a lot like A Pattern Language, but for home life. She likened my posts/chapters to the patterns Christopher Alexander notices in architecture and planning, in that they are more an indication of what sort of thing to do than a complete set of instructions. A pattern is a template, meant to point you to the sort of criteria you should have for choosing. The idea is to teach you how to fish.
Thus, for instance, I can’t possibly review every classic children’s book, but my hope is that by writing about a few that have meant something to me and stood the test of time, you will spot the pattern. One selection will lead to another, and you will get the idea, so to speak — not only of what to look for, but of what to avoid.
That reader’s observation relieves me a bit from worries that I fall into the error of rationalism, against which I so often preach: the error that supposes that mere instruction can supplant something more interior, which is understanding born of insight and contemplation.
All of these thoughts come from a couple of questions I’ve gotten from readers recently, along the lines of “what book would you recommend I read to learn more about raising and disciplining my (unruly) children and having a better relationship with them.” Now, obviously, I have recommended many such books and have even written them. What worries me a little is that these ladies are telling me that they have read them, all of them. And they still seek that definitive “how-to” that will solve their problems.
Maybe there’s another way to approach things, a way that in itself offers self-assurance in the midst of the ever-changing, ever-challenging work of being in charge of a family, as well as peace about inevitable so-called failures, which are really, to use an abused phrase, opportunities for growth. Well, they are opportunities for humility and for further learning.
As per my habit, I will give you a little list, three suggestions of ways to approach your path:
Nature.
We tend to think of nature as a beautiful painting we can walk around in, and that’s great, but it’s also something more: nature is, above all, a given. As we read in the Book of Job, God abruptly calls Job’s attention to the fact that none of us can make the sun rise. The context is Job’s anguish over his suffering and questions about his seeming abandonment.
When we observe the changing of the seasons, the cycle of the birds’ lives, the way the trees and flowers obey their nature and put forth their seed at appointed times, we ought to be impressed with our total lack of control over fundamental aspects of our world, that are nevertheless highly, unfathomably ordered.
God speaks to Job to set him straight on the hierarchy of being. God made us and remains God; we are not in charge. Yet we participate in His nature in our own sphere, and in our turn offer givens to those over whom we have authority, for their own good. I mean, there are a lot of things to think about when we go outside and see what God has made in this world of ours, and even when we are inside and think about the givenness of our bodies, our own human nature.
Beauty.
If we take care to mind ordinary beauty — the making, the doing, the keeping, raising our daily tasks to the higher level of being done well, with attention to harmony in color, form, sound, and relationship to function, many lessons will be learned. So often our busyness prevents us from receiving wisdom from our actual tasks.
The truth is, our children learn more from how we do our own duties than from our attempts to talk them into attending to theirs. This sounds too utilitarian; when really it is about our own orientation to beauty, which is harmony and fittingness, even in little things. Beauty can teach us what we are so desperately seeking in mere systems. (Pay special attention to the sounds that you surround yourself with, and I will offer one small tip: reduce or eliminate, as much as possible, any excessive amplification in music. If the music relies on sheer volume for its effect, it’s doubtful that it’s beautiful.)
Experience.
Wisdom and prudence (knowing what to do in a certain situation) are filtered through memory and experience. If a person always seeks a new program for action, that person might be avoiding learning from his own experience as he remembers it. Isn’t memory mysterious? As I get older, I am surprised at how a memory I’ve had for so long will take a new meaning in light of a new situation. Respect your memories; respect your experience. They make understanding possible for you.
Pondering.
All of these ways require pondering to bear fruit within your soul. Give yourself time to ponder and don’t fear the silence necessary to do it. How did all those people, those authors you seek, get to be so confident about their ways, anyway? Because they observed and thought about things. That’s it. That’s the secret. You are meant to be the expert in your own situation, if you give yourself the chance. Yes, we have a lot to learn from others, but they have no way of knowing your particulars, your context. I really hope and pray that my own writings convey this important message: I’m not the expert; I’m the messenger who says, “If I can do it, so can you. Here are the patterns I’ve discovered and no doubt, you will discover the way to your own confidence, competence, and peace.”
In this liturgical time of Pentecost, of giving the Holy Spirit a chance to work within us as promised, let’s be open, with the awe and love, to His gifts, of wisdom, understanding, counsel, and knowledge; and the fortitude to seek them!
The St. Gregory Pockets are a way to gather people together in real life to begin the bonds of community. Remember, you aren’t necessarily finding your best friend (though you may); you are simply working towards a healthy private sphere so that your children will have friends when they need them. Go beyond your book club and form real connections with those in your area.
Here and in my book I recommend Effective English Prose for your high school student, because it’s the book my husband cut his authorial teeth on and the one he gave me, when I was still in college, to learn good diction and expression (I still tend towards too many parenthetical remarks, but it’s not their fault).It’s out of print, but you can read (or listen to) it here.
The Heresy of Divorce for Remarriage. This heresy goes against the plain words of Scripture.
I think my husband would agree with this, substantially: Why your men’s group should eventually fold. I get lots of mail asking what men could read that is like LMLD, or how to get husbands to go to men’s groups, and while I think some of it is fine, the article makes good points.
from the archives
liturgical living
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
The post “She pondered” appeared first on Like Mother, Like Daughter.
May 20, 2023
When the kids’ discipline is not good, but also not the issue
{NB: I may not be heard from for a while — don’t worry! The kitchen renovation proceeds apace, and I may just be off kilter enough to have to miss a few newsletters. I will probably be able to put up a few posts on Instagram, though! I think I will put the “Corners” there — I don’t have room here today!}
When Discipline is Not Exactly the Issue
The problem with writing about disciplining children is that you have to assume certain things.
Sometimes those things, which have to do with indefinable insights into children’s minds — and one’s own, are not readily assumable.
So I just want to put a note here about that situation, which I have encountered a lot over the years, where the children aren’t exactly undisciplined, but somehow a lot of energy is expended keeping them from melting down, blowing up, or otherwise making life difficult with tears and outright bad behavior.*
*Sometimes this difficulty is due to past trauma of their own, the parents’. I urge them to pray about this, because having had a difficult upbringing of one’s own is something to overcome in order to do right by one’s own children. Sometimes parents can be afraid to act rightly, because they fear the unpleasantness that follows — it makes them feel like failures. I have a quote from Scripture for them, if this is their issue, at the end of this little post.
Not occasionally, which happens in the best of families, but all the time. If you feel like you have to be on high alert at all times lest your young ones, or one in particular, just totally loses it — that your child somehow depends on you for his center of gravity in a way that you sense other children do not, this post is for you. It’s an outline, an indication — it will require you to think and pray.
In this case — the case where your family life with young children feels like keeping many, many balls, emotionally speaking, up in the air at all times, and possibly also navigating your spouse’s* fragility as well, or, to throw in another metaphor, the carefully constructed structure will come crashing down — let’s put a pin in “discipline” for a minute. I say this as someone who has written so much about discipline and considers it extremely important. You know that. Just click on that category or check out the sections in my book…
*(I say spouse because unlike most of my posts, I really am writing this for both father and mother. The dynamic that causes this situation is a complicated one in which each spouse has to make an effort for the other, as well as for the children.)
Right now I have two things for you to think about.
Situational Awareness
The first thing is this: instead of thinking “I can’t get my kids to be disciplined,” consider helping them, every day, to have ever more situational awareness. As is age appropriate, of course.
When your eight-month-old starts slapping you in the face or pulling your hair, as they do, don’t just manage the behavior. Say, “Oh, that hurts Mama! Don’t pull my hair. Be gentle.” “We don’t slap Mommy! Give me a nice pat” — and take his little hand and stroke your cheek with it. Then stroke his cheek with your hand.
When your two-year-old bangs his plate on the table, say, “Hey! That bothers your Mom; it’s too noisy.” As you take the plate away. The point is to direct his attention to someone else and that person’s needs. When your four-year-old runs through the door ahead of your wife, sometimes you can say, “Please hold the door for Mama!” (Not always, because it’s okay for children to be heedless; they are children. But little by little, they should become aware that others exist.)
Call their attention to the trees, the birds, the street, the sky. Have them watch the people and their funny or odd ways. Remark on the likelihood that they are in pain, or fairly spry for their age.
When I was a little girl, my Egyptian father and stepmother loved to entertain. They made a point of having the children be present to greet and shake hands (actually, Egyptians are great kissers-on-both-cheeks, and huggers), take coats, pass plates of hors d’oeuvres, napkins, and drinks, and show the way to the bathroom. In this way, I became aware that others are happy to be served and that guests mean a suspension of everyday activity.
Do you get the idea? Your children may feel shy, awkward, and clingy because, well, they have that personality and maybe habit, but also, they simply have not been taught to attend to others’ needs, gradually, in an age-appropriate way.
Instead, the attention is on them, and that is always difficult. It’s much harder to keep it together when someone is focusing on you, but you have no idea what to say and do, than to be given a task, however small. A six-year-old taking someone’s plate for the pot luck is more confident than one wondering why you are not paying attention to her.
Self Control
The second thing is to insist that your children, on a regular basis, wait and also do or endure things that are not comfortable.
This is good practice. Since there are many times in life when we just must wait and/or accept not being perfectly comfortable, it’s best to have practice beforehand so we are not caught unawares and betrayed into a sort of outraged despair, as of a four-year-old.
When your child comes running in yelling at you because he is so thirsty, it is almost never an emergency. Believe me, I too panic at the thought of a helpless five-year-old dying of thirst, but the truth is, there is almost certainly no need for shouting and it may even be the case that a few moments can pass without danger. The child could even get his drink of water himself…
In my father’s Egyptian culture, children bring drinks of water to adults, not vice versa, as respect for one’s elders is a big feature. We want to express our care for our children, but the balance to be sought is to give them confidence in being capable of helping themselves as well as showing respect.
Since it’s a good idea that children arrive at the dinner table quite hungry, it will happen almost every day that they will be dying of hunger, just before dinner. That is undoubtedly very sad. But the best thing you can do is to ask this child to wait. Not right there, next to the tantalizing food that will drive her to distraction, but elsewhere, either finishing chores or reading a book. (Offering a snack then and there of course totally undermines dinner.)
You can also teach the child who has the habit of blasting in at 5:15 (when supper is at 5:30) with a wail of “I’M SO HUNGRY” instead to approach you politely with a cheerful, “How can I help you, Mama?”
When it’s mealtime, gather them, look them over, have them sit, and say Grace (Dad leading). Go here for strategies. Dinner is a good time to practice hierarchical living and pack behavior (by which I mean there is an alpha pair — mother and father — and the betas need to be betas and not run the show). Ten minutes is not too much to ask of anyone over the age of two, most of the time.
Keep your calm grasp of the meal-time scenario even when guests are present. If it makes you nervous, feed the children beforehand. They can join to sit quietly for ten minutes if they like and are not disruptive.
As you walk into a store with them, mention that “we are going into the store now” and “we want to be sure not to bump into people or be too loud.” “Oh, that lady needs a hand with that bag. Can you help her?” “Let’s let this gentleman go first. He only has a few things.” A pep talk in the car is a good idea. Let them know what the consequences are for not behaving, and be willing to leave in order to administer said consequences.
If you are promising a treat — and Auntie Leila is not above bribery, having realized early on the power to modify behavior of something rather modest in absolute terms, where judicious deprivation has been practiced in that area — don’t hesitate to skip it if it’s not been earned.
Also be sure to condition the treat on no requests for any other treats. It’s not necessary to go through a store having to spend most of the time explaining why you are not buying every single thing. Simply tell them that if they ask for anything, they will not get a treat at the end. Instead, teach them to say, “That looks interesting,” or “I like that kind of thing.” Seeing something you like does not mean wanting it, much less getting it. You can simply acknowledge its existence!
A party is not the time for a child to corral you with demands for stories and other one-on-one activities. He has to learn that his world will not fall apart if you aren’t directly paying attention to him at all times, and the only way for him to learn this is to be asked to do it. (As a guest in someone else’s home, your child should be encouraged to make friends with the other children and run along with them. If he needs to be with you, then he can sit beside you quietly, or on your lap without mangling you; he must not interfere with your conversation more than absolutely necessary. It should be brought home to him that he would have more fun playing!)
Once having attended to guests’ needs in the way described above (passing trays and so on), the children can and should be dismissed. They can play if it’s early; they can go to bed, having already been fed, if it’s late. If an adult shows interest in them, they can linger politely, but you, the hosts, should not let that go on too long. It’s good for children to understand that parents have other things to attend to — that they, the children, are not, at that moment, the center of anyone’s attention. When they experience it, that’s when they will learn that they can still be happy!
This is self control. As I have said before, all of life comes down to learning self control! It’s not that your child needs a spanking for these behaviors, though he may; it’s that he needs to believe that you not only do not accept them, you provide other behaviors for him to implement, behaviors that are more pleasant for all.
He will learn the self control necessary for every eventuality if his parents have confidence that he will survive, and if he is encouraged (even if very small) to look around, observe, and attend to whatever needs attending to.
A great thing about the Egyptian culture I grew up with in my father’s house is the reliance on ritual, so sadly lacking in our own society. Greetings are extensive and follow a script. The more you offer your children these scripts, the more able they will be to overcome the awkwardness and, frankly, intolerable burden of spontaneity and direct contact. For us in our less structured condition, “Hello Mrs. Fantasia, how do you do; may I take your bag/coat/dog,” if you know beforehand that it’s expected of you, smooths the way.
Don’t be afraid to coach your children up to the moment of reckoning. “They are coming. I want you to open the door and smile, because I am nursing your sister. If you don’t — if you act the way you did the last time, with that naughty whining and begging for snacks, you will be sent to your room. I am counting on you for hospitality.” “When they are here, don’t ask me to read you a book/go outside with you by yourself, go into another room. We have lots of time for those things when we don’t have guests. When people are here, we want to help them to feel happy that they have come. Will you help me do that? I am going to need someone to pass the nuts and to get things when it’s time to set the table. Here, take this bag of trash out to the garage while we get ready.”
But when the moment comes, let them sink or swim. Afterwards you can say something like “Good work helping our neighbor, she was really staggering under those beetroots; next time I want you to say ‘Miss Prism,‘ not ‘her,‘ because that is really not polite.” At the time, let it go (unless it’s a banishing offense, as warned, and then you will have to make do with an “excuse me, Miss Prism, while I just take little Abysma to her room for a moment”). Too bad if Miss Prism judges you; your loyalty is to your child, not to her.
A Last Word to Fathers:
An occasional sharp but deep-voiced word to your offspring to sit still, answer politely, stop talking, stand up, go do it now, finish that bite, answer your mother respectfully, and go stand in the corner for four minutes, are needed from you. Don’t respond to them when they interrupt, and encourage your wife likewise. Saying, “Don’t interrupt, what is it?” is not effective… make them wait.
Your wife is drowning having to manage behaviors and often to appease you, and even if she gets nervous when you abruptly correct, you must. (Wives, let your husbands administer the occasional smackdown, little or big.)
Listen to what she is saying; don’t talk over her while she’s trying to handle the children, but do lay down the law with them when the opportunity arises. Notice if you are a talkative person. You may not be observing, in silence, what you need to observe in order to lead your family to peace. Parents need situational awareness and self control too, and this is how we get those virtues!
Now all chastisement for the present indeed seemeth not to bring with it joy, but sorrow: but afterwards it will yield, to them that are exercised by it, the most peaceable fruit of justice. ~ Hebrews 12:11
My grandson Patrick on the day of his First Holy Communion!
bits & piecesLockdown Nostalgia — an unacceptable exercise in privilegeAre these lambs for real?? The cuteness is killing me, I’m deadAnd older review by Daniel Mahoney of a book by Roger Scruton.
from the archivesHere’s an older bits & pieces post with super cute fox mittens I made, plus some links that are still of interest, including one to a supplement for those who suffer from migraines. The active ingredient is feverfew, which is not difficult to grow! I have a nice big patch in my herb garden.9 Hospitality Thoughts
liturgical living
St. Bernadine and St. Mary, Queen of Apostles today! And of course we are now in the Ascension time, getting ready for Pentecost. So many opportunities for prayer and uniting ourselves in the liturgical year!
follow us everywhere! share us with your friends!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
The post When the kids’ discipline is not good, but also not the issue appeared first on Like Mother, Like Daughter.
May 13, 2023
Chatty
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I like to stay home, but it happens that I will head out to give a talk here and there, and offer my books. I meet with groups of ladies (and often gentlemen as well) all over the country, and I am so very filled with hope at the sheer numbers of wonderful, lively, and obviously flourishing people (babies! pregnant bellies!) who come out to spend time talking about the home and its importance.
We are going to go into a lean time, but we’re going to be good. Demographics alone are on the side of those who love life, understand that children are a sign of hope, not despair, and are willing to suffer for what is right.
It’s often not really of interest to see pictures like these, but I’m posting them anyway 
These happy gals invited and hosted me — Debbie Marco on the left and Kasey Stacey on the right… Their homeschooling/church group is vast over there in the Delaware/Pennsylvania/New Jersey (and I think even down to Maryland?) area. Do, do find others to share the journey with, and bring whomever you can along with you.
Here we have a portion of the room, with others on the other side, which is great considering how busy this time of year is! A testament not so much to me as to the wonderful desire these ladies have to go deeper into their calling as wives and mothers and grandmothers too.
I could sum up everything I said and think, and save everyone time and trouble, with this quote, which Debbie’s husband Rob sent me:
“Men will take up arms and even sacrifice their lives for the sake of this love [the love of husband and wife]….when harmony prevails, the children are raised well, the household is kept in order, and neighbors, friends, and relatives praise the result. Great benefits, both of families and states, are thus produced. When it is otherwise, however, everything is thrown into confusion and turned upside-down.” –St. John Chrysostom
Garden Corner
My lilac, that my mom gave me about a decade ago, is just about to be in full bloom. (Imagine that my big New England yard had no lilacs!)
The chickens’ new home has a run now, still in progress, but the main features of nice fencing to face the house and a door to enter by, are in place. That piece of plywood in there is to offer them a little shade; it’s propped up on a tree trunk!
I had swept off the deck and furniture, but now I see that this photo displays all the maple crud that is continually falling these days!
The screen door is an old one that was in our rafters, and the posts are split black locust and should last… forever!
Also in my vegetable garden, the cilantro I planted last fall (way past our frost date when clearly no frost was in sight) came back with great vigor!
When I get back, I will plant out all my tender things that are on the seed bench inside.
Knitting Corner
I put all the stitches on a long cord and tried on the yoke. I think it will fit? Who knows… I’m not far from dividing for the sleeves and starting on the main body, which I will look forward to.
Book Corner
In the course of watching my new favorite podcast, Fruity Knitting (you will hear more about it, trust me), I have gotten obsessed with sheep, fleece, yarns, spinning, dyeing… all of it. Especially the idea of making woolens more local if possible. The hosts interview all manner of interesting people involved in these pursuits. I got this book from the library and am enjoying following the author’s adventure of exploring her bale of wool and its journey to three different mills… Vanishing Fleece by Clara Parkes.(affiliate link but maybe interlibrary loan it like I did)
Our family will get together this summer, which is such a blessing. I hope everyone will make it. We like to have a book to read and discuss together (I believe it was Habou, my mother, who suggested doing this the first time we had our little reunion*), and this year we have chosen Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol. (affiliate link, but I bought a used copy)
You might not believe it, given the title, but it’s supposed to be (and the Chief concurs) humorous! If you have read it, I would be interested to know your thoughts about the various translations. This one that I’ve chosen supposedly has the virtue of a lively rendition of the humor plus a synthesis of the two versions.
*The books we’ve read so far are these (affiliate links):
In This House of Brede by Rumer Godden
The Leopard by Giuseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa
bits & piecesSt. John Chrysostom is a treasure. A few quotes of his… I have to start thinking about kitchen colors… I like colorful things but I think I want my actual cabinets (of which there will not actually be that many) to be a neutral color. Laurel on whites (and their duplicates for us peasants).People with new builds don’t often realize, as I’ve mentioned before, that no matter what color they choose, they won’t be satisfied when their trim is the lowest, cheapest kind. And paint, even from the big box store, isn’t cheap, so it makes sense to upgrade the trim. This post goes into the details and is quite informative: The Magical Entablature.Now that it’s up to states to regulate abortion, many clinics have closed and “chemical” abortion is way up. I think people have no idea of how different the reality is from the fantasy (“just take these two pills and poof! the problem disappears”). This article, The Abortion Pill’s Secret Money Men, somewhat inadvertently, shows the raw profiteering that went into its production. I say inadvertently because the rhetoric is all about “helping women” but the facts, when looked at with anything other than an extreme pro-abortion lens, clearly show nothing but greed and complete disdain for women’s safety.
from the archivesIt’s that time of year again: How to Hang Laundry out on the Line!As you plan your coming school year: What Children Ought to LearnA pep talk about time! As you kiss your school-year schedule goodbye, make a determined effort not to fall into the same dynamic again.
liturgical living
Our Lady of Fatima (and Julian of Norwich)
This coming Thursday is the Feast of the Ascension. Recovering these high, but almost forgotten, points in the liturgical calendar, if only for our own family and maybe a few others who would join us, is the way forward. So much has been stripped down to its bare bones that it has just expired completely, and yet, it’s these feasts that keep our faith going deeper.
follow us everywhere! share us with your friends!My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
The post Chatty appeared first on Like Mother, Like Daughter.
May 6, 2023
You don’t have to play with your kids!
I will be speaking in Delaware this coming Thursday evening, May 11:
And next Monday evening, May 15, I will be speaking in New Jersey. You can access the invitation here!
Today I want to say, don’t think you must play with your children.
I’ve been thinking more about what I said in my last post, in which I try gently to point out that perhaps one real reason why more women don’t admit that they are ready to give up on feminism, even though they can see it’s a lie, is that they simply don’t know what they would do at home — literally do not have the skills or what we call here “the collective memory,” to do well with housekeeping and child-raising, not to mention living on one income.
All those things are what this blog is all about, written from just that perspective: the one of a person who truly has no idea how to take a shower when there’s a little child running around, and cannot for the life of her figure out what to make for supper, yet again.
I have something to add.
Somehow, probably due to the insane idea that no one should ever have more than two children and work outside of the home and “have it all” and look interested and glamorous while achieving great things or at least earning a wage, and also due to the expectations when we outsource childcare, that children will be completely safe, stimulated, and reach their full potential, women think that they will have to spend all their time at home with said two children as some sort of glorified camp leader or cruise director, ticking off all the boxes of scope and sequence and every moment spent with “mindfulness” and making memories.
Well, grabbing that last shibboleth by the tail as it speeds by in the anxiety race, let me ask you this: have you ever considered how you could make a memory for another person?
Consult your own memories of childhood. Do you think that your parents purposely constructed them for you? Or do you think they just lived their lives, doing what they liked to do, making mistakes like we all surely must, and not being in control of what you remembered? How could they? How can you?
Anyway, that’s a digression.
What I really want to say is this: you don’t have to play with your children and with certain exceptions that have to do with your own enjoyment or needing to show them what to do, Auntie Leila’s opinion is that you actually should not.
Children need — need — to play on their own. What they need from you, if you can possibly provide them, is siblings to play with. (If you cannot provide them, which is different from refusing to, don’t worry, that’s in God’s plan and all will be well if we trust Him.)
Children need benign neglect. The times that they require supervision and adult direction exist, and at those times you are the authority, not some sort of director who doesn’t meet goals if anyone fails to be amused. Be firm and affectionate at those times. Pull out a board game or build a castle if you really want to.
But most of the time, they should be making up their own games, running outside and falling down (and crying, getting a bandaid, and running off again), and in general not relying on parents for entertainment.
It’s actually a sign of something not being quite right, if they simply cannot play on their own. For them to be able to, they must be ignored. If the habit has been that you get right down with them to play, then a period of some upheaval will likely ensue if you detach from them, but detach you must, for the sake of their imaginations, relationships, and development.
And for the sake of your sanity!
No wonder I am getting emails from gals who are stressed out because they are “introverts” and “need alone time.” They really think they must be on call for their kids at all times, and it’s causing a lot of stress!
Well, we extroverts need downtime as well. Good mothers read to their children, talk to them, listen to them, sometimes show them how to play in the kitchen corner or set up a raceway for matchbox cars or build a Duplo tower or make a fort with the sofa cushions or have a snowball fight or line up logs to make a path over a quicksand bog.
But don’t actually enter into or initiate those plays as a regular, daily, usual thing. Moms can say, “You go ahead and play. I will be in here mopping the floor, unless you would rather do that… ” Later, once they are used to being on their own for play, you can sit and read a book or do whatever you want! They will be as happy as clams.
So if you feel like you have to play with them, in order to be a good mom, or if you are going nuts because you can’t get your work done or rest, I am here to say, it’s fine and better than fine if you don’t! Don’t do it! Paradoxically, when you let your children play on their own, you will find that you enjoy their company much more and genuinely look forward to being with them.
And if you just let your kids run around at the playground, instead of following them and helping them and acting like one of their playmates, you might possibly be able to have a conversation with another mom there, and make friends with her — if you can convince her to let her kids run around without her!
Knitting Corner
I have literally one thumb to close off on my Selbu mittens and then I can show you, but I got sidetracked with my Altheda sweater… I have no idea if it will be any good at all (in terms of fitting, despite lots of gauging), but here’s what I have so far:
I also started a pair of socks to slip into my bag for mindless knitting. The mittens were not mindless, and the sweater is something you must be pinned down on the sofa with, at least for the yoke part with its two colors (plus the lace to hold with the blue). Maybe when I get past that to the main body it will be more portable, but for now the sock project seemed fairly high priority.
I am using leftovers from another pair of socks for the toes, heels, and cuffs, and black for the main part. I usually start toe-up on DPNs, then transfer them to a magic loop so I can work them two-at-a-time, since despite my chaotic methods, I am actually pretty OCD about having them match!
Book Corner
As you think about next year’s history curriculum, perhaps these two books will be good resources.
One of the authors of Becoming RomeFoundation, Republic, and Empire in the Words of Eminent Romans, Thomas Cox, wrote to me to let me know about this textbook, suitable for middle- and high-school students (but I think also for an adult who never really learned!). He says,
I’m going on my 14th year as a classroom teacher at The Heights (a private school in the DC area with high standards of religion and scholarship) and have really enjoyed teaching Latin, Greek, History, and English here.
I wrote a book recently to introduce my students to Ancient History while still giving a place and priority to the primary sources like Herodotus, Plutarch, etc. It’s my attempt to use history to help my students become better thinkers and better young men, rather than just stuff them with facts or tell a story of all the bad old days.
As I look through it, I can see that it offers just that. A good outline of the time period with a lot of primary sources. The authors have a good explanation of why it won’t quite work just to read Plutarch. You need a guide. There are great maps in this book along with lots of illustrations and a good narrative. Each section has a chapter review and “Topics for Seminars” that will be so helpful to the homeschooling parent. I like that the book is not huge, but does lie flat with sturdy covers and paper that will last.
In a different vein, but also regarding history, my friend (and Rosie’s classmate) Bronwen McShea’s La Duchesse: The Life of Marie de Vignerot—Cardinal Richelieu’s Forgotten Heiress Who Shaped the Fate of France would make an absolutely wonderful choice for your high schooler or college student’s summer reading list, as well as your own, as it’s almost like a novel in its recounting of Marie de Vignerot, Cardinal Richelieu’s niece and closest confidante. I regard it as the utmost importance to become familiar with how life actually was in the past — how there was of course a vast array of women in every rank and position, despite the deception practiced today on the topic.
Fortunately, Bronwen has the scholarly and writerly ability to bring this fascinating, all but forgotten, character to life in our imagination. If you will be buying it on Amazon, consider using this affiliate link, thank you!
Garden Corner
It has rained buckets here for the past 10 days, and I must say, the grass looks amazing, if largely unmown, but I hope to have more to update you in this corner soon! How is your garden and seed starting going? Do tell!
Fiat Lux — A complete course to teach anyone how to write an icon. The course includes ten hours of detailed video instruction that is supplemented by one-to-one tuition, either in person (if local) or remote (Zoom). The end product will be a beautiful icon of St. Joseph painted exclusively by you as well as all the knowledge and skills needed to write other icons in the future.
Baking powder is relatively new — and what did people do before, to raise their cakes and biscuits?
From John Cuddeback: enjoy the ordinary things together.
A lot of “regular” medications turn out to have psychotropic effects. Were you aware of this update about this asthma and allergy remedy, Singulair?
I worry about pressure on medical personnel to engage in procedures they find morally unacceptable. Here is a new association for physicians that might be helpful.
“The USMA is the voice of physicians, by physicians, and for physicians, upholding the values of compassion, self-sacrifice, dedication, and excellence in the practice of medicine ingrained in America’s doctors throughout their training and throughout the long illustrious history of this noble profession. In short, the USMA serves as the primary source of medical education, networking, and policy representation for America’s physicians.”
I have posted this before, but it’s worth bookmarking: Just the Inserts (important information about vaccines from their manufacturers, printed on the inserts).
from the archivesI talk more about toddlers and how they learn to play (without you!) here — and this is a chapter in my book, of course. There’s so much in those volumes, I slay even myself. Don’t look to your child for affirmation! It’s a long game… A simple prayer life with childrenliturgical living
St. John before the Latin Gate
follow us everywhere! share us with your friends!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
The post You don’t have to play with your kids! appeared first on Like Mother, Like Daughter.
April 29, 2023
Feminism is a lie and I help you figure out what to do about that
If you are new here, welcome! Let me just give you a big-picture view!
More and more women are waking up to the enormity of the far-reaching feminist lies we were told, in most cases because our mothers and even grandmothers were told and believed them. From TikTok posters (not that you should go there) to academic writers, despite the rigid lockdown of the truth, the word is getting out.
Here on Like Mother, Like Daughter, you will find my approach. I am not as interested in delving into what those lies are (though I will do that, but like all evil, there is no end to the multiplicity and we have a limited amount of time, and a job to do) as in recovering the collective memory so that we can make things better, especially by ensuring the education of our children, for which the mother is indispensable.
It’s not enough even to demonstrate that we’ve been lied to, or to explain it all, though it is a necessary, if insufficient, beginning, for we need to know where we are.
No — we have to know what to do about it. And sadly, most women are not equipped, and easily fall back into the false world of feminism when they get undermined by their own lack of competence.
Men are governed by their thumos, as described by ancient philosophy: it’s an essential part of the male nature. Thumos isn’t a virtue, but it is the property of spiritedness that enables a man to dash out and accomplish a large or small, heroic or ridiculous, task — or die trying; but not necessarily think too much about it in the process.
Some women are spirited, but not in the same way, and most are not, which is not a bad thing, not at all. Our essential nature is inward-directed, and though we are not always given credit for logic, we do tend to over-think.
That means that even when convinced of a truth, we experience fear and doubt and easily succumb to the voices, interior and exterior, that tell us we can’t succeed.
In the case of feminism, women have trouble extricating ourselves for a simple reason: we don’t know what to do if we aren’t out there conflicting with men, earning our own keep, and competing for some undefined “excellence.”
At the same time, those women who are spirited (and I count myself as one), chafe at the idea of relinquishing a fight, particularly when men seem to be doing such a bad job of things. But even these spirited women will take up the challenge of answering the call to raise up the new generation and bring beauty into the world, one home at a time — yet they are afraid as well, afraid of losing their chance, afraid that men will, once again, let them down.
That’s where I come in.
I already said that it’s all a lie. And have been saying it for quite a while now. The way out of the world of that lie, I believe, simply must be undertaken despite all our fears; but, I admit, it is a long process complicated by certain stark realities in the form of small children, unwashed dishes, piles of laundry, and other sundry accusations of a life possibly wasted and all the wrong choices made.
But remember — every activity has its drudgery, and cleaning the occasional toilet is a small matter, in my opinion, compared with mandatory meetings with bored functionaries, rigid schedules incompatible with our hormonal vicissitudes, and a stressful, conflict-oriented battle not suited to our sex and harmful to our relationships, with children as the victims.
I have a systematic approach to all this. I did write it all up into a three-volume book set called The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life, but you will also find it right here (somewhat organized in the menu bar, a “reasonably neat and tidy” but by no means professionally arranged resource).
Your adventure of devotion to home, as you awaken to an entirely new way of thinking, starts in the most mundane way possible: with knowing what is for supper, the unheralded key to getting all the other things done and not feeling like a total failure; tackling the laundry so that it doesn’t overwhelm you ever again (well, until the stomach bug hits, which it will even if you are the CEO of a major corporation), and keeping your home in order, without going crazy, even with lots of kids.
Simultaneously, it starts with beauty in the form of a little oratory where everyone’s eye is drawn to what is important, to the window opening to what is beyond, and custody of the rhythms of the year.
It starts with relinquishing conflict-mode and embracing the hierarchical universe, where the ordered ranks make it possible for the virtuous peacemaker to shine like a star. In this vision, there is ample room for creativity, intimacy, and personality in the unique constellation of your family. Complementarity is the real freedom and the reward that offers the paradox of a “truly regal throne.”
I even tell you that the biggest lie is that children are the enemy, and how to raise a numerous family on one income — and love it!
Order and wonder, that’s the key. That’s what the woman of the house provides. That’s the grand, humble, and soul-satisfying role that I alone, like Job, but with an apron, am left to tell you.
Book Corner
I want to mention two books that, each in its own way, tackle the current totalitarian danger, enabled by feminism, pressing down upon us.
Peter Kwasniewski’s Treasuring the Good of Marriage in a Throwaway Society will help readers go deep in thinking about marriage, one of the three “societies” that make up our human existence here on earth (the other two being the Church and the state), and thus a target for relentless and devastating attack.
He considers every aspect, from the loftiest reflections on the Trinity to practical recommendations for rectifying the wedding day of today from sinking into a busy deflection from reverence.
As always, Peter combines readability with the most precise theological explication. He does not hesitate to tackle the political landscape, effects of social media, and modernist errors. But the reader gains from him eternal wisdom handed down from the Church’s treasure, as he brings his Thomistic understanding to the most delicate subjects.
I highly recommend this book to parents and pastors who are preparing young people for marriage, as well as for anyone who writes on the topic of marriage and/or has anything to do with teaching it. Married persons will gain a lot of insight from this book and can use it as spiritual direction for bringing their own marriage into right order with God’s intent.
Longtime readers know how insightful I find Stella Morabito. She has a new book that examines the particular tools and strategies used by totalitarians, especially loneliness, and I highly recommend it before the next lockdown hits.
The Weaponization of Loneliness (affiliate link) collects Stella’s myriad thoughts and observations based on wide reading and research on the subject of how societies succumb to the loss of freedom. We need to be reminded, or encounter for the first time, that there are forces of evil that want to divide us. They do this by isolating us and even forbidding us from talking about things that matter. They take away our intimate places — like the home! And they incite the mob against us.
We have to understand all this so that we can identify these attacks when they occur, fight against them, and be ready even when things seem less urgent. To that end, women more than ever are needed at home, in the family, nurturing the bonds that keep us together and free.
Pattern Language Corner
I’m still thinking and planning my kitchen renovation. When I had mentioned it before, I said I would pop in the occasional Pattern for your consideration.
Pattern 192: Windows Overlooking Life. . . . this pattern helps to complete the earlier patterns which give each room its shape: Light on Two Sides of Every Room (159), Ceiling Height Variety (190), and The Shape of Indoor Space (191). Once these patterns are clear, this pattern helps to place the windows rather more precisely in the walls. It defines just how many windows there should be, how far apart, and what their total area should be. (Go here for the full Pattern.)
The authors wisely suggest “that you go around the town where you live, and choose half a dozen rooms in which you really like the light. In each case, measure the window areas as a percentage of the floor area, then take the average of the different percentages.
I like this idea of making new friends! “Hello, may we come measure your windows relative to your floors… ”
Knitting Corner
I got my lace-weight yarn and am currently swatching for the project mentioned here. The color is a close match and when combined with it, makes the Lopi deeper and brighter, I think.
Thoughts and prayers for getting gauge or otherwise figuring things out…
The swatch on the left is partly done with that random lace I had in my stash and partly with the Lopi alone. The one on the right is the new lace held with the Lopi, in two needle sizes (still not up to the right tension, so I may regroup). I love how it is now.
Bread Corner
A quick tip (in my series of bread baking tips, follow the tag bread corner)!
Instead of flouring everything in handling the dough, as traditionally recommend in yeast recipes, I have better success wetting my hands and the counter or bowl.
First, the water keeps the dough from sticking, and second, water helps strengthen dough, in a technique called bassinage.
The traditional way to do bassinage would be to hold some water back in the mixing and add it in towards the end of the strengthening process, before you allow the dough to rise. But I find that even the small amount of water on my hands contributes to the gluten structure as I handle the dough, and I don’t worry about getting technical about actual amounts, though if my dough seems not hydrated enough, I will add enough to make a difference. But in this case, I’m just talking about wetting my hands to do anything at all, like get the dough out of the bowl and on to the counter, or do the coil folds, and so on.
Let’s go on to our links!
bits & piecesI always encourage you to make music a part of the curriculum. Here’s an explanation of the circle of fifths if you have someone studying that interesting subject. More curriculum fodder (and so closely related to music): Architecture for children — you can view this older book here and purchase it here. Ilove how these older textbooks hadn’t yet gotten the memo that they should make things as boring as possible… it’s almost like they think of children as lively and able to be delighted!Fr. Robert McTeigue, SJ, had me on to his podcast, where we had a lively discussion in which we did not say 99% of what was on our minds, yet still managed to cover a lot of ground. The topic is related to the question, “May I attend the wedding,” that so many of us face these days.C. S. Lewis’s Last Written Word: We Have No Right to Happinessfrom the archives
Well, lots of links above, taking you to so many older posts!
But don’t miss my review/overview of Christopher Alexander’s A Pattern Language.Ask Auntie Leila: My Husband Adds to the Mess. I saw someone recommend putting baskets in the closet for those items that one can’t decide whether to throw in the hamper or put away, and I am horrified. That completely will not work for the person (like me and like the husband in this post) for whom every article of clothing he has touched is subject to this difficulty.liturgical living
follow us everywhere! share us with your friends!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
The post Feminism is a lie and I help you figure out what to do about that appeared first on Like Mother, Like Daughter.
April 22, 2023
Little by little…
Today I won’t neglect my Corners — I will not fail to update you on doings… (remember, the Corner idea is that you can just skip it if it’s boring to you!)
Spring has sprung, although the weather still tends to damp cold with some bouts of sunshine, occasionally. We leave the house early every morning for Mass, so I can’t exactly hunker down until the highs, such as they are, are approached.
So I spend all day adding layers to my outfit (due to early morning vain optimism), and then shedding them (due to later morning activity once things warm up). Then adding them again (due to evening chill).
Such is life in New England!
I am currently, as I type this, sporting woolen wrist warmers, sweater, scarf, and woolen socks. I’m sure things will get better.
I loved all the discussions in the comments about setting the family dinner table last week, once I got the comments to operate (and bear with me; it seems to be something in the code that toggles itself on and off, and has to be tinkered with; if the comments are not enabled, they soon will be! hold on to your thought! sorry!).
It’s not that any one detail of homemaking makes or breaks the situation (though a candle on the dinner table seems fairly important, as I think you have gathered). It’s just that someone has to make it homey and pretty, and there are specific items that someone has to attend to.
The mother’s work comes down to this, so often: many little tasks and attentive details that make the whole. To bring about the making of the home, we need time and thought. Why do we let anyone (including ourselves) take those away from us?
Bread Corner
{click on the tag Bread Corner at the bottom of the post to find all the posts with my process, if you would like some guidance that is geared towards the busy home baker}
Last Bread Corner time I discussed these loaves, and I did take a picture of the crumb eventually, so I wanted to show you:
This is what I have been challenging myself to produce.
I am happy.
I’m trying to share what I have learned, little by little. Remember, everyone’s ingredients and environment are different, so what works for one baker might not work for another.
Today’s tip is to handle the dough gently.
Do the strengthening coil folds after the first rest (discussed here) in a way that your hands feel the dough getting stronger. I do that kind of fold shown in that video, but never with so little dough (who has time to make bread one small loaf at a time?) and usually not with such a high hydration (ratio of water to flour). But the method is the same.
By the time you do the last coil fold, be quite gentle. And when you turn your nicely risen dough out to shape it, do so gently. As you shape your loaves, do it all gently! We are used to yeast dough, if we learned that way, that takes a lot of kneading and can be handled fairly roughly. But well proofed sourdough needs gentle handling to preserve the air bubbles and structure.
Knitting Corner
I’m getting there with my Norwegian Selbu mittens. The learning curve was steep for me! The chart is tiny (should have enlarged it, too late now), the pattern is not one I have been able to memorize, the knitting is fiddly, I have made mistakes due to the pattern not being quite correct (you get what you pay for with a free pattern!) and to my inexperience, resulting in me not knowing what the comments of other knitters even meant, so not being able to fix the mistakes until it was too late… but they are pretty!
The i-cord cast-on was my idea!
I am determined to make a sweater (a “garment” rather than an “accessory” — like a shawl, mittens, or a hat — as real knitters call it). I have decided on this one…
…and then: commence the saga of getting the yarn choice right….
Take a deep breath!
I have one Ann Taylor or maybe it’s Talbots, wool sort of “riding” or “walking” skirt, some thrifty find, that fits me so well and is so warm and versatile. It is basically the shape of this corduroy one, but beautifully tailored of luxurious dark brown wool, so that it can be worn to church, with a lining and everything…
All last year I was looking for another one, or for wool to make one. I thought I had some wool in my stash but couldn’t find it for the longest time! Then of course I was looking for something else (in the linen closet) and there it was:
It’s not really my color (winter), but from a distance it could read as taupe, rather than beige, if you twist your mind just so, which means that with the right top, I can make it work. And it is the loveliest worsted tweed, super high quality. I have no idea where it came from! Probably my mother found it and gave it to me, on the Like Mother, Like Daughter principle of curated abundance, that surely we will have some use for it!
I decided that my (projected) sweater will go with this (potential) skirt. Am tired of black and gray, already made a brown sweater (which I have yet to show you), so went with blue and white!
The pattern calls for Ístex Plötulopi, which is an Icelandic wool that is not spun. [Cue all the indecision, searching, querying, wondering, being hampered by not having a giant yarn mall right here so I can make all the comparisons, anguishing over the expense of any other kind of wool, needing to get to a yarn festival preferably in Scotland, STAT, going to the local yarn store where they actually do have this exact wool, along with this exact sweater knit up as a sample, amazing, buying it, but still agonizing.]
After some swatching (as seen in that photo above), I decided that this wool, as far as I, a hasty and imprecise person, as you can see by laddering in the small white swatch never mind an entire sweater, am concerned, needs to be held with something sturdier.
In the blue swatch, I knitted half of it holding this lace-weight yarn from the depths of my stash:
Despite being a different color, it works perfectly to add firmness, body, and strength to the Plötulopi.
Naturally, I have zero idea where this lace came from from or what it is, other than it was simply there; it’s beautiful, seems to be alpaca maybe, has two plies… no other concepts about it. Did a lot of searching online.
There’s enough of it that I could certainly use it for the ribbing (I intend to have regular ribbing, not the garter stitch that the pattern calls for). But now I have my heart set on holding the lace with all the yarn — I really love the way it changes the fabric, making it more like a Shetland wool than it otherwise would be, and giving me a fighting chance of not making a mess of the tricky Plötulopi. I just know that a floppy, messily knit, almost see-through sweater would annoy me, however warm everyone says it is.
So I ordered something that may or may not be like that lace, plenty for this project (staving off future-me trying to sabotage things)… we shall see… three skeins of this: Alpaca Lace by Cascade Yarns:
And now you know why I say, up above, to feel free to not come into a Corner, lest you be bored to distraction!
Garden Corner
My indoor seeds are started, though the sweet peppers are not cooperating at all. I’ll have to try them again. So far I have tomatoes of a bunch of varieties, some eggplant, some flowers, cukes, and even a Malabar spinach!
The outside winter sowing is doing great!
And I did take advantage of some sunny days to get the garden up to speed. If it seems overwhelming to you, either to start or to reclaim things after a fall and winter of neglect, dead plants, leaves, and so on, try just doing one bed at a time.
Don’t try to do everything at once, but just plant a few things. I started with the peas, which are already coming up (so exciting!). And the onions, which also need an early start and don’t mind cold Aprils — they are in that far bed, just in front of the tractor. Just doing that much wore me out but also gave me hope that little by little, I can get things going.
bits & piecesDo watch this documentary, with your teens: The Hong Konger
Do you have a daughter who would be inspired by this needlework? It’s pretty cute, and would work on a skirt or apron as well; think about using such embroidery to cover a little tear…
In my last podcast, I had a conversation with Leila Miller about how terrible and counter-productive marriage preparation these days is. We were pretty critical. This time, I discuss what it ought to look like! Trying to light a candle.
A Child’s Primer for Liberty, by John O. McGinnis. A professor looks at what the Little House books can teach us.
Goings-on in the Garden of Eden — reflections on the joys of P. G. Wodehouse!
Do you live in the San Francisco Bay area? Do you know someone who does? Dear Anne is starting a St. Gregory Pocket there and would be overjoyed to meet up with you (or your friend/relative)! Join this private Facebook group here. If you are not on FB, email me and I will put you in touch with her.
from the archivesIn case you need convincing about The Hong Konger Rescuing history from leftists and cultural memory lossWhat is a St. Gregory Pocket and how can it help me build a community right where I am?What can children do? A guide!
liturgical living
Roman martyrs today… and of course, still Easter!
follow us everywhere! share us with your friends!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
The post Little by little… appeared first on Like Mother, Like Daughter.
April 15, 2023
How to set the family table
Dear Rosemary left a comment last week when I posted my Easter table, that
Table decoration does not come naturally to me, so seeing some images helps me remember the salt and pepper, change the tablecloth, put some bunnies or eggs or candles out! I am truly a work in progress… as we all are.
I agree, we are a work in progress!
I’m sure I inadvertently reveal all sorts of inadequacies of my life over here on the interwebs — it’s sort of a risk of the enterprise. So I am not judging, but I do wish to help a bit, when I see something about family life on someone’s instructive video or blog that isn’t quite what it could be. I’m especially thinking of all the wonderful people who put so much effort into growing good, healthy, natural food, but then there is something lacking in the way they sit down to eat…
… maybe they don’t know how to set the family table?
(Keep scrolling past this holiday extravaganza for what I am talking about: everyday table setting!)
My power went out last week before I got the wineglasses set, so here is your view now of of my Easter table!
And the festive holiday setting might seem so dauntingly special that we don’t realize that a certain minimum standard ought to obtain at the ordinary family supper table.
What is the point of formality if the ordinary days are dreary or just not given attention…
Truly, the mother needs to think it all through and do what is necessary (and buy what is necessary!) to provide for a happy family meal, and, for the sake of maintaining a good resolution, practicality. Life already has a lot of moving parts, including things to clean and wash; why add to the load?
Well, there are reasons, but we can keep it realistic.
Some of those reasons?
Family dinner is one aspect of the sacramental life established by marriage (which, remember, is a sacrament for the baptized!). Before you give up right here, due to the naughtiness of your offspring, remember that I have posts galore (and a whole section in my book) on how to accomplish dinner together. I will link them below in the archives section! It’s a worthy goal to eat together, and will fortify your family against attacks and even destruction.Life is hierarchical, and hierarchy is expressed in ritual. We need to reflect that reality in this gathering that we accomplish (and we do accomplish it, for better or for worse, because they — and you know who they are — have to eat). Ritual is expressed in material things — conviviality, conversation, enjoyment: these all happen by means of material circumstances. Yes, the food; but other things too, and I will show you what those are.We teach our children obedience not by random stabs of oppressive authority, but by a loving and affectionate structure that we build in the home, to live the truth that authority ought not to be the same as raw power, and obedience is not a burden, but a peaceable fruit of justice.Pretty things, arranged with motherly love, radiate goodness. Our children will come to expect humble order and everyday beauty, and that expectation will stand them in good stead later on, when allurements not based in love come their way. They will already know what home looks and feels like, and they will take that knowledge with them, making it their own in their own way, which is the flourishing of beauty in the world.But this is all quite simple — by now you are expecting something so grandiose, but it’s just that the collective memory needs a little jog — nothing too overwhelming.
I’ll use my kitchen table here for demonstration purposes, because I haven’t dismantled my dining table Easter setting yet! (I do recommend using your dining room if you have a lot of children. It can feel much more peaceful for the mother to leave the kitchen behind. A lot of the perceived difficulty of the family dinner table is the mental “noise” of the kitchen the mother has been in for many hours.)
When we moved here 24 years ago, I bought this wonderful table that has two leaves that store right under the table top — it can sit six or eight or ten (and more if you put two people on each end). It’s sturdy maple and has some finish that protects it against heat, which has helped me simplify life, tablecloth-wise. I find that with children, a tablecloth offers too much scope for pulling, yanking, spilling… and the obvious laundry pressure is too much. I like a wipeable surface but I also wanted it to be beautiful, and this table works great for me.
If you find an older table with a worn finish, I recommend sanding the top and then finishing it with beeswax — you can stain it first if you want to (and that is remarkably easy to do!), but the wax will slightly darken it if you like the color. My den coffee table got this treatment and it’s amazingly waterproof now. The beeswax is easy to re-apply and quite wipeable. I do not recommend painting the top of your table — paint will inevitably chip, and you will start to have that annoyed feeling that things are grubby…
Just make sure that the table is sturdy, and ditto the chairs.
I have two stools at either end of my island, and sometimes if our gathering is large, people do spill over to those spots for their supper, but in general, I would not default to serving meals at the island, for reasons of hierarchy and ritual that I go into below. I know that big kitchen island bars seem like a fixture for eating, but in my opinion, meals should be taken at the table!
If you love textiles but share my ansty-ness about tablecloths for daily use, you can channel that love into a small cloth in the center (not even rising to the level of table runner, which offers the same sort of target of opportunity as a tablecloth, to be honest). I have found and been handed down many sweetly embroidered and decorated little linens that work well to provide a sort of landing place for objects that need to be on the table, without needing constant attention.
I love using cloth napkins (all cotton or linen — don’t waste your money on any synthetics as they will annoy the heck out of you and not last). The key is to have individualized napkin rings and to make some sort of ritual out of putting the napkins into said ring when the little imps are being excused. Paper napkins are… trashy… and cloth napkins can be reused quite a bit if that ring is faithfully deployed. They can be kept in a basket, not at the places, because you have to wipe down your table after every meal and they will be in your way. The children can be taught to put them in the basket or on the tray.
Every few days (or after a particularly messy supper), collect and wash them. As with candles, the key is to have a good supply.
They are easy enough to make, but I often find nice ones on clearance at Marshall’s or my local big-lot store (here it’s called Ocean State Job Lot — do you have a store like that? over in a corner you will find cloth napkins and even china — all sorts of things to use for the family table).
Candles… every table needs to have candles. I die a little when people don’t light their candles (and totally reject a restaurant with none! what on earth) — an unlit candle at supper is rather sad.
I used to be that hostess, though! I thought of the candles as things to put in the candlesticks: decoration only. What changed? Having a stash of candles! A big stash… and getting them blessed at Candlemas. You need enough so that you don’t worry about hoarding them. Just buy them in bulk (I love these — yes, beeswax are superior but these are great — affiliate link).
When you light the candles, the children become calm and attentive, and the table takes on a holy glow. You can use votives (affiliate link) if you don’t trust your tribe to be civilized with tapers, and if there is a lot of passing across the table, tapers may indeed be risky! But if you do go for tapers, establish a rule early on that they not be touched — it’s a bad habit to pick at the hardened drips anyway; just leave them alone.
You can make rules about who lights them and who snuffs them, but it’s all worth it! Candles make the table.
It really does matter who sits where. You will have to strategize — and then update your strategy periodically — regarding seat mates, high chair location, and positioning of persons capable of passing platters and helping needy siblings.
But most importantly, the father ought to sit at the head of the table and the mother at the other end (I like to sit at the end that gives me quickest access to the kitchen work area, since you know I will be going back there for something).
Establishing the hierarchy in this practical way wordlessly conveys so much to the children. We could lecture them about Dad’s authority, or we could put him at the head of the table. We could harangue them about needing to respect their parents — or we could be king and queen in our manor without mentioning a thing, even if our manor is an apartment on the third floor!
The family is not a democracy — but even in a democracy, there is order and hierarchy (or soon will be, no matter how hard the citizens try to achieve equality). What you don’t want, what will not be good for your family, is for a child to be in the position meant for the parent. Besides, at the ends of the table, the parents can more easily keep order and give each other the necessary glances.
I almost always have a stack of plates at my place and serve that way, rather than pass the food, since small children can’t handle taking their own food and passing serving dishes — by the time they do, everything is cold! This way I can tailor the helpings to the person and avoid throwing food away, a pet peeve of mine! You can eat as much as you want — just don’t waste it!
Sometimes you have to feed the children first when there are a lot of them, but there can still be the essentials at the table!
With a lot of people, there often is not enough room for the food as well, though I do prefer serving “family style” with the food in nice cooking vessels or serving dishes, so I will serve it from the island, putting only the bread and butter on the table, and maybe the salad.
Here you see the stack of plates ready to go — if I were actually serving supper, you’d see the food there too, and I can easily get up to give people seconds or bring the serving dishes to the table later to pass, having consolidated somewhat.
Put the things you will need on or near the table so that you aren’t jumping up and down all the time!
What are these things that you need handy?
Candles, matches — making a matchbox with a strike plate is a good craft for a child and will serve you well, upping your prettiness quotient for sure — and a receptacle for spent matches. Look around and you will find something to use for that purpose (a stray soft-boiled egg cup, a small saucer, a little bowl)Salt and pepperNapkins (cloth ones in a basket, a stash of paper ones for a particularly greasy/messy meal nearby in their own holder)A water pitcher — get a nice, sturdy one. An enameled one is pretty and durable. Now that it’s just the two of us, I have the borosilicate one you see here (affiliate link), but I bring out my enameled one when there are lots of kidsCups — I prefer sturdy, virtually unbreakable Duralex glasses that are kept on personalized coasters, or tin cups in various colors that can be tracked during the day (I have picked those up at thrift stores over the years)
Sit down, mother, to eat. Let your husband lead grace, with everyone joining in after he has begun. What is the point in growing or otherwise obtaining good food and preparing it well if we are not going to thank God for it? What is it all for?
In our house it’s like this: I survey everything (or delegate to a competent child) to be sure we have everything we need and are ready — meaning children are seated and we’ve supplied the necessaries as outlined above — and I am ready to sit down. (Often I do remain standing during grace and sit down when it’s over, but the main point is that I am ready to be seated! And not just continuing to bustle about.)
To get everyone’s attention, I say, “Let’s say grace,” and that’s my husband’s cue to begin the Sign of the Cross and start, “Bless us O Lord” (or intone our sung grace) — and we all join in, having also made the Sign of the Cross.
And then we enjoy our supper as a family! I hope you do too, and I hope this helps if you have been having a bit of trouble figuring out the family table!
bits & piecesMy friend Deacon Bob Connor gave a beautiful homily on the occasion of the death of a small baby whom he had just baptized two weeks before. Divorce harms children: Nine people recount their experience. Let’s do our best to help families stay together — let’s never accept divorce. N. T. Wright on the Resurrection of Jesus and its reality — in the New York Times! (unlocked)Questioning all my life choices about never learning to dance! A young couple do the Charleston to some of my favorite jazzAfrican children play Vivaldi on their marimbas!from the archives
As promised above, here are some of my family dinner together posts:
The first phase — putting in the effort — it’s worth it, I promise!Seven strategies (with my #1 most important tip from my husband)When the bigs get older — can we still have family dinners?All the posts (and much more!) are collected and edited in my book, The Summa Domestica! If you love detailed explanations of every little thing, then you should buy it!
liturgical living
Rounding out the Octave of Easter!
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My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
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