Colleen Brown's Blog, page 74

some new threads

some new threads

"I’m starting to forgive myselffor circumstances that are beyondmy control. Like the way you wanted..."

“I’m starting to forgive myself

for circumstances that are beyond

my control. Like the way you wanted to

move on when all I wanted you to do

was stay and keep fighting.

I can’t keep hating myself for you.

I can’t keep feeling like shit

when you’re the one who left

because you thought that this

was becoming too much for you.

You say give it time, you say

that I deserve better, you say

that this was never meant to be.

But just a few weeks ago

you were kissing my neck

and touching my skin

and telling me that this is it,

that this was everything

you could have ever imagined

when it comes to true love.”

- CB

"We haven’t spoken in weeksand tonight the sky is the colorthat it was when we had bothrealized..."

“We haven’t spoken in weeks

and tonight the sky is the color

that it was when we had both

realized that someday our lives

wouldn’t be as easy and as nostalgic

as it was in that exact moment.

I’m on my second cigarette

and it hasn’t even been an hour

and I can’t seem to force myself

to go inside because the sky,

the colors, these clouds remind me

of you and when things didn’t

feel as difficult as they do tonight.

I miss you, and I don’t care

if you find out. I love you,

and I don’t care if you don’t

love me back because my heart

isn’t made-up of who did it better

or who felt what more.

I’m looking at the sky

and I’m thinking of ways that I can

get you back or at least

get you to forgive me.

Now I’m on my third cigarette

and I stopped listening

to the sounds of my neighbors

drinking and singing along

to the first day of summer songs.

I miss you and you’re not here

and I don’t know where you’re at

or where you’ve been, but somehow

I can still feel you here. Somehow

I can still see you before you turned

against me and I see you in that loose

summer dress, dangling a joint

in one hand and your hopes

in the other. I should have helped

when I saw that your hands

were full, because I did see

but I didn’t help and now I am here

sitting underneath a sunset

made-up of your favorite colors

and you’re nowhere to be found.”

- “To the first day of summer,” -Colleen Brown

"I can’t change who I amfor the sake of others happinessor loneliness. I am not selfish,I am..."

“I can’t change who I am

for the sake of others happiness

or loneliness. I am not selfish,

I am self-assured. I’ve gone

too long running to the aid

of those who have never

noticed my own battle wounds

or my revealing scars.

I am not going to play

the hero anymore.”

- CB (via mostlyfiction)

"I can’t change who I amfor the sake of others happinessor loneliness. I am not selfish,I am..."

“I can’t change who I am

for the sake of others happiness

or loneliness. I am not selfish,

I am self-assured. I’ve gone

too long running to the aid

of those who have never

noticed my own battle wounds

or my revealing scars.

I am not going to play

the hero anymore.”

- CB

"Cry all you want,I’m not coming back.Fight all you want,I’m not coming back.Lie..."

“

Cry all you want,

I’m not coming back.

Fight all you want,

I’m not coming back.

Lie all you want,

I’m not coming back.

Call all you want,

I’m not coming back.

”

- “Do whatever you want, because I’m not coming back,” - CB

Note Poems: #3

Note Poems: #3

"I can’t fix youand this is somethingI know you already knowbut I want to remind youin case you..."

“I can’t fix you

and this is something

I know you already know

but I want to remind you

in case you had forgotten.

It’s not that I don’t want to,

because if I could I would take

every broken piece of you and mend

them all back to their original state.

But we both know that isn’t

how life works and we both know

that no amount of advice

or nights spent together

could ever repair your past disasters.

But I promise that I will try

to make you feel at ease with

the passing of time and the future

let downs. If you let me, I will try

to show you that not everyone

in this world is out to get you

or is as rotten as you have been

led to believe. So please,

just let me in. Because even if

I can’t fix you, I will at least hold

those broken and sharp pieces

of yourself that you swear

no one wants to deal with.”

- CB

"My father tells me that I should marry someone who is my best friend, someone who has always been..."

“My father tells me that I should marry someone who is my best friend, someone who has always been there and who will always be. As he takes a sip of coffee, I start thinking about everyone who never left me. He tells me that true love or any kind of love for that matter is not about perfection but about dedication and honesty. My mother comes into the kitchen and starts another pot of coffee. I can still see the love between them by the way they look at one another, and for my entire life I always knew that’s how I wanted to be with someone, one day. My father tells me that when he found my mother, and she makes sure I know that she found him first, that he didn’t care about anything or anyone else. That when their lips first met he knew that she was worth the wait and former heartbreaks. He tells me to never settle, to never stay because I am comfortable. He says to keep looking because even if it takes years it’s better to keep searching than to stay with someone just for the sake of my own loneliness. My mother kisses my father before going back into bed and before he joins her, he looks at me in my eyes and tells me to never doubt myself and to never believe that I don’t deserve the best when it comes to true love.”

- “When I asked my father when it would be my turn to fall in love,” - Colleen Brown

"He fucks me the way I like.Calls me his girl and kisses meon the most sensitive areasof my skin...."

“He fucks me the way I like.

Calls me his girl and kisses me

on the most sensitive areas

of my skin. I don’t feel dirty

when I talk dirty or when I tell him

to put his hands around my neck.

He’s gentle with me.

He always asks and never begs.

When we make love

it’s like an almost finished

masterpiece. But when we both

finish, it’s finally complete

and I can see every color

that we created together.

He touches me and tells me

that I am the only one,

that I’ve always been

his only one.”

- CB