Paul Angone's Blog, page 13

9 Simple Tips to Having Really Good Conversations

Every aspect of success in your life will hinge on conversations.

At the core of every connection is a conversation.

And yet, many of us don’t do conversations very well.

Conversations are an art form that we all too often hurriedly slap some paint on, make a mess of, and then leave for the other person to clean it up.

Yet, failing to have effective conversations could be hurting your relationships, career opportunities, and growth, especially if you’re a Millennial who older generations are stereotyping as incapable of having face-to-face conversations.

I am passionate about effective communication – studied it in college and my whole professional life as a speaker, author, and consultant revolves around being able to have really good, effective conversations.

To be a good friend, great spouse, effective leader or follower, business owner, even a social media specialist, you have to do conversations really well.

And luckily, there are some really simple tips that you can implement today to start becoming a master at conversation:

1. Be excited about who is in front of you

I have a good friend who I consider a master conversationalist. He’s someone you can’t wait to speak to and be around. And if I had to boil down his secret conversational sauce to just one thing, I would say he’s just really good at being excited about the person in front of him.

It’s not a feigned or fabricated excited either. No, he’s just genuinely interested, energetic and engaged, and you feel like you’re important to him.

That’s huge. If the person in front of you feels like you actually care, then you’ve accomplished 95% of having a good conversation. And one of the easiest ways to make someone feel important is through the next tip:

2. Ask more thoughtful questions

I’ve been making it a practice, especially when I meet someone new, to open up the conversation by asking them questions and genuinely listening to their story.

Take the reigns of the conversation not by talking about yourself, but by asking about them about themselves. Asking questions, and then being intentional about your body language as you listen, is how you convey that you actually care.

In conversations, the person who asks the most questions, wins. (want to tweet that?)

3. Don’t have all the answers.

You’re not asking questions so that you can reply with all the answers either. No, sometimes continually forcing your answers in there can shut down a conversation faster than anything.

I think most of us offer too many answers or solutions to “help” the other person. We quickly jump to answers not because we’re really interested in helping them, but because it makes us feel smart and secure to impart our “incredible” knowledge.

Obviously, if you have a problem that needs to be solved at work and you’re trying to figure it out, you need to throw out some solutions. But when talking with friends, be mindful of moments where a humble answer is needed, or more likely, where a humble listener is much more important.

4. Share your struggle

We connect over shared struggle. When you vulnerably and authentically share what you’re struggling with, you allow the person with you to be open and honest as well. You invite a safe space for real conversation.

Be secure enough in who you are to share your insecurities. (why not tweet that?)

5. Be present

It’s insane how distant we can be from someone we’re sitting right in front of. (click to tweet that)

We’re living in the age of distraction and like an over-eager puppy, too many of us are following all the “squirrels” in the room.

When you enter into a conversation, start forcing yourself to give it your full attention. And one of the easiest ways to do that is:

6. Turn your phone off. Or at least turn it over

Nothing shuts down a conversation and clearly lets the person across from you know that they’re not that important than continually checking your phone. Especially as the other person is talking to you.

I think most of us don’t even realize how many times we check our phone while having conversations. We are addicted to them and checking our phone has become our nervous tick.

Even if you’re not picking up your phone, but you’re merely glancing at the screen at the different text messages, tweets, and notifications that are coming in, you are 100% showing the person in front of you how important you think they are.

Every time a phone becomes more important than a person, it’s becoming a problem.

Every time your eyes leave the person and find your phone, you pretty much could be standing up while the other person is talking and leaving the room. That actually would be better because then at least the other person knows to stop talking, instead of trying to finish their story to the distracted person in front of them who it appears doesn’t really care.

If you really do need to be diligently watching your text messages because your boss or spouse needs to get a hold of you, then tell the person in front of you beforehand that you’ll need to check your phone if a text comes in.

7. Be mindful of your body language

There are super simple things you can do with your body to show you care, or that you don’t.

Lean in, smile, turn your shoulders towards the person you’re talking to and look the person in front of you in their eyes. You will look completely engaged.

If you struggle with being present in conversations, even just doing this with your body, can cue yourself to listen and be engaged.

On the other hand, if you lean back, frown more than smile, and continually keep looking away, then you will appear not interested.

The more your body is angled away from the person and the further you lean away from them, the more it looks like you want to leave.

8. Don’t be a Reality Checker

Don’t be so quick to jump in with a reality check.

I talk about this more in my first book 101 Secrets For Your Twenties, but if you have someone sharing their dream with you, don’t play devils advocate. Don’t interrupt and say, “But, have you thought about this…”

Let them dream. Let them be excited about their dream. Be excited about their dream with them. And if they ask you for feedback or insight, then give it to them.

9. Don’t be a One-Upper or a Me-Monster

If you’re wondering if you have any One-Upper or Me-Monster tendencies, watch this hilarious bit from one of my favorite all-time comedians Brian Regan.

Simply put, don’t try to shove your “importance” down people’s throat to make yourself feel significant.

Be secure enough in who you are not to have to display your significance like a peacock trying to attract attention.

The worst way to have a good conversation is to keep forcing your importance into it. (want to tweet that?)

I’d love to hear from you within the comments on this article: 

Out of the 9 tips, which one do you struggle with the most? 

Stuff Twentysomethings Say (and what they really mean)

Yes you might hear what’s coming out of a twentysomething’s mouth, but do you know what they’re really saying? 

Whether you’re a twentysomething yourself or someone who is trying to decipher twentysomethings on a daily basis, here’s the translation behind some of twentysomethings’ favorite phrases.

1. Google it.

Translation: Wait, you’ve heard of the Internet, right? So why in the name of the World Wide Web are you asking me? I would just Google the answer myself. So lets just go ahead and cut me right-on-out of this little fact-finding mission. Deal?

2. I know, right?

Translation: You soooooo get me. I soooooo get you. Sooooo why can’t those idiots out there soooooo get us too? I know, right?

3. Life is not turning out like it’s supposed to.

Translation:  I thought college was hard, but holy hell I expected my twenties to be filled with a lot less work and a lot more weekends in Vegas, and somehow starting an online business that would go viral — week one. Week two if it was a slow Internet week. My parents, teachers, and the world wide web all lied to me.

4. That’s so hipster. 

Translation: That’s so not cool that it’s cool, until it’s too cool then it will be part of the scene, which will make it no longer cool, unless I can claim that I was totally on board before it was cool. Then the non-cool, cool, viral movement, can stay cool, well, until my mom Facebook’s it. Then all bets are off.

Career Lingo:
5. I’m a social media expert.

Translation: Umm… I’ve had a Facebook account since it was theFacebook. Need I say more?  Yes, I’m fine starting at $47,000 a year just as long as we both understand that I don’t come into the office before 10 AM and I need an iPhone upgrade before I start.

6. I’ve totally got a killer side-hustle going.

Translation: Yep, I’m still working at Starbucks. And If you ask me one more question about how you can make a Chai Tea Latté at home, I swear I’ll send you a computer virus that will blow up your computer like a WWII hand-grenade delivered directly into your inbox.

7. Oh yeah, I love that App. 

Translation: I have no idea what that App does or if that’s an App at all, but since I’m the social media expert here I’m going to act like I helped code the dang thing.

8. I’ll totally jump on that right now (said to a boss or supervisor).

Translation: Yes I’ll get right on that task, after I slowly walk back to my desk as I finish the text to my best friend about our plans tonight, then stand next to my chair as I quickly reply back to the Tweet that just came from @Hollaatme101. Then I’ll jump on my computer and navigate between the 21 tabs I have open on Chrome to find the Google Doc I need…oops…someone just instant messaged me on Facebook…No, I have not seen the video of the boy juggling bowling balls while singing “Living on a Prayer” — all autotuned. Thank you very much.

Wow…is it lunch time already…?

9. I just wasn’t passionate about it, you know?

Translation: Seriously dude, I worked there seven months and they still hadn’t promoted me. So I quit. I mean what other options did I have?

Relationship Lingo:
10. Facebook me. 

Translation: No, I’m not giving you my phone number. Who do you think we are, friends?

11. Text me.

Translation: OK you have my number, but let’s keep talking to a bare minimum. Call only in emergencies.

12. You called? Oh sorry I haven’t checked my voicemail in awhile.

Translation: Seriously is it 1997? Why are you leaving me a voicemail? Text me if it’s important.

Watch the Stuff Twentysomethings Say Video

13. Yeah we’re talkin’.

Translation: OK, we’ve made out twice. Once after line-dancing and enough drinks that I thought I was still two-stepping three hours after we left. And then the other make-out sesh was completely sober. Ok, mostly sober…Ok, this time at least I knew we were making out whilst making out. So I still haven’t actually asked her out on a date, but I think we’re together, or at least I think we’re texting at an above-average rate.

14. We’re beyond labels. 

Translation: I’m way too freaked out to ask what we are because I think I might be waaaaayyyy more into him than he is into me. Umm, do you maybe want to Facebook him to see how into me he is?

15. I’m so over her.

Translation: I stayed up until 2am Facebook-stalking her last night, going through 434 photos (from her 6th grade dance recital until college graduation) while listening to Death Cab for Cutie and eating vanilla icing straight from a tube. But that was last night. Today I haven’t thought about her more than eight times.

16. Ohmygosh , of course I’ll be your bridesmaid!!

Translation: $300 for a fuschia dress that I’ll never wear again. $75 for a pair of shoes that feel like they’re embedded with shards of glass. $200 to pay for the Bachelorette Party, dinner, lunch, drinks, your present, and your manicure. Just so I can stand in the blazing sun while the fuschia-venus-fly-traps you picked for shoes literally eat my feet alive, only to make it to the reception and have your grandma come up to me, smile, and say these three words, “Time is ticking.”

I’m only planning to get married so that I can have my revenge.

17. Dude, of course I’ll be a groomsmen.

Translation: Your fiancé’s pretty hot so there has to be a pretty good chance for equally hot bridesmaids, right? If not, you better believe I’m drinking beyond what is socially acceptable and dancing so hard to “Beat It” that half the dance floor is going to stop and stare. Oh,  and you’re mom won’t look me in the eyes again or mention me by name. Cool?

18. I love Obama! 

Translation: Seriously, do you even need to ask? I love what Obama has done for this country, especially the thing about ummm...the war….and…you know, the policy about driving organic cars.

19. I think I’m having a quarter life crisis.

Translation: I just spent all weekend in my pajamas watching re-runs of Friends, Boy Meets World, Full House, and then a marathon of Family Feud wishing my family could be that happy, all while crying off and on, and polishing off the rest of the ice cream, then crushing the remaining Oreos into a jar of peanut butter and eating it all with a plastic spoon because I haven’t done the dishes since Christmas. If it’s not a quarter life crisis, then what is it?

20. I need a road-trip.

Translation: I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going, but hell, anywhere is better than here.

21. I hella totes love that meme. 

Translation: The masses have endorsed that dancing cat, so now so shall I. If I share it before it hits a million views that would be so hipster (see #4 for definition).

Oh, and I’ve lost the ability to hear myself say such ridiculous abreeves. And for that, I apologize.

 

A Twenty-Somethings Guide to Avoiding Regret

Today All Groan Up welcomes an amazing guest post from one of my new favorite online friends, Kyle Ingham of The Distilled Man fame. Kyle is the real-wise-deal and if you didn’t see the fun interview I did with him, you can watch it here. Find out more about The Distilled Man at the end of this article. Take it away Kyle… 

You might think the worst thing about aging is gray hair and wrinkles…and having to ride one of those Rascal scooters everywhere. (Who am I kidding, those scooters look fun…)

No, actually the worst thing about getting older is regret.

You know the saying “hindsight is 20/20”? It’s true. As you get older, you suddenly see everything that’s happened in the past with crystal clarity.

And if you’re not careful it becomes an overwhelming, negative force in your life.

Suddenly you look back and just see your mistakes, the blown opportunities. Things you said that you shouldn’t have…or things you didn’t say. Woulda…coulda…shoulda.

Regret is an Evil, Soul-Sucking Waste of Time and Energy

Occasionally being self-critical is good—when you reflect on how you could have done something differently—especially if you have another chance to do it right.

But beating yourself up after-the-fact is a waste of energy. You can quickly start seeing your missteps in terms of absolutes: “I didn’t just make the wrong decision, I am a failure…”

And then you lose sight of the positives—the things that you actually did well, the impact that you did make.

So, what can you do NOW to keep regret from taking a big poo on your life later?

First: Stop Sawing Sawdust

No matter where you are in life, starting now it’s time to break the habit of regret. The past is the past, and unless you can channel those critical thoughts into “doing it better” next time, you’ve got to move on. As Dale Carnegie said, “You can’t saw sawdust.”

Photo Credit: IamNotUnique via Compfight cc

Even if you made mistakes in the past, most of the time no one else even cares. You’ll always be your own worst critic.

Second: Don’t Fear Future Bad Decisions

You might think the only people who avoid regret are people who make the right moves all the time. People whose lives go perfectly according to planned.

Kind of a scary idea. Just the thought can paralyze you.

Sadly, this happens all the time—at work and in your personal life. You’re so worried about making the wrong decision that you delay deciding…or make no decision at all.

The problem is, not deciding becomes a decision in itself. (want to tweet that?)

When you’re so afraid to fail that you don’t act, you end up failing by default.

Playing it Safe is Far More Dangerous Than You Think

It’s easy to go through life thinking “playing it safe” is the way to go. Stick to common wisdom. Do what our parents and those around you tell you is right: go to college, get a job, move up the corporate ladder. Get a mortgage, travel insurance, and the special anti-rust coating on that new car…

But playing it safe is the most dangerous thing you can do.

In her article “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying” (now a book) Bronnie Ware said that one of the most common regrets of people on their deathbed was “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

There’s nothing more devastating than realizing you never took a chance to be (or to find out) who you really are. To realize there were amazing experiences within your grasp—and all you had to do was reach out and grab them.

As Mark Twain said:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

While it’s trite, the expression “if it doesn’t kill you, it only makes you stronger” has some truth to it. With age, you realize that most of the things that scare you—the lumps and bumps…the little dramas—aren’t that bad afterall. What really hurts is the chances you didn’t take.

Embrace Failure as a Learning Tool

So how can you use all of this wisdom now, in your twenties?

The first thing to do is change your relationship with failure. Believe it or not, failure can be your friend, BIG TIME.

If you look at some of the greatest people in history, it almost seems like failure is a prerequisite—maybe even the “secret sauce”—of success:

Milton Hershey had 3 other failed candy companies before finally starting Hershey.

R.H. Macy started 7 failed businesses before hitting it big with his department store in New York City.

Up to a point, even Abe Lincoln’s life reads like a string of defeats: he lost eight elections, had 2 failed business, and suffered a nervous breakdown. All of that up until the point that he got elected president and, you know, managed to abolish slavery…

Looking back, it seems that each failure these men faced helped them finally figure out how to succeed.

After Thomas Edison made 1,000 “failed” experiments developing the modern incandescent light bulb, his assistant asked if it was difficult to make so many attempts without results. He replied, “Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results! I have found several thousand things that won’t work.”

Rather than be defeated by their failures, they chose to harness failures to propel themselves forward .

Even here in Silicon Valley, I have heard that many venture capitalist firms prefer to invest in founders who’ve already had one company fail. Because yes, they’ve made mistakes…but they most certainly learned valuable lessons along the way.

How to “Fail Forward”

Right now the rest of your life is stretching out ahead of you—like an empty canvas waiting to be painted. Do I recommend that you purposefully sully the canvas? No, but to create the most compelling picture, you have to get comfortable courting failure…in a healthy way.

This involves two things:

First, it requires cultivating a resilient mindset and developing a better “explanatory style”, so you can talk to yourself in a constructive way. (No, I don’t mean talk to yourself so people think you’re off your meds. I mean so your inner voice stays positive no matter what).

Second, you should learn how to use “little bets” to fail forward. In Little Bets, Peter Sims cites example after example of highly successful people who’ve used small experiments to get information that ultimately makes their craft better.

The key is to engineer situations where you might fail but (A) you learn from that failure, and (B) you keep the stakes low enough that your “failure” never sets you back significantly.

Sims explains how comedian Chris Rock uses small clubs to test out material in a low-risk environment. He goes on stage with a legal pad scribbld with joke ideas, and more than half of them fall flat. But when the audience responds, he makes a note next to the joke, and ultimately that’s the material he uses in his big shows.

So, even if you’re not certain of how to proceed in life, you can always move ahead without fear if you have a positive mindset and you use “little bets” to help find the right path.

You’re going to make some mistakes in life. If you keep your head up and keep moving, not only will you survive your mistakes, but they’ll make you wiser and more interesting in the long run. On top of that, you’ll be able to break up with regret for good.

We’d love to hear from you within the comments on this article:

What’s one thing in your life you fear you’re going to regret if you don’t make a change?  

Kyle Ingham is the founder of TheDistilledMan.com, where he writes about how everyday guys can become better men. Click here to get a free copy of his ebook, 48-Hour Gentleman: Your One-Weekend Plan to More Confidence, Poise and Manly Know-How.

5 Shocking Statistics About the Challenges Facing the Millennial Generation (and how we overcome)

The Millennial generation is facing insane challenges unlike generations before, that most people don’t fully understand.

I was in New York City last week pitching over 60 media outlets about my new book All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! and telling them the story of what our generation is really having to go through.

Some media members totally understood the challenges facing Millennials, have seen it firsthand themselves, and wanted to get to the bottom of these issues with me.

But then there was a slight majority of media who shot back with the same old tired stereotypes about our generation — “Entitled. Lazy. Millennials were given trophies for just existing…etc…”

One radio show host even shot back with “F*ck Millennials.” At least his opinion was somewhat original.

Yet, our generation is experiencing real, insane, challenges. Many of them at levels unparalleled to what Gen X and Boomers experienced.

And it’s a little more weighty and substantial than the fact that some of us won an Honorable Mention ribbon for coming in last place in 4th grade.

I have statistics about the real challenges facing Millennials that might shock you. Or bring waves of clarity for all the twentysomethings out there who have felt lost, frustrated, and fighting an uphill battle.

Right when it was Millennials turn to grab hold of the American Dream, it exploded in our face. (click to tweet)

With the Great Recession happily pulling the pin.

I’m not here to whine about these challenges, I’m here to open up a real conversation about them so that we can figure out how we overcome and thrive.

5 Shocking Statistics About the Challenges Facing the Millennial Generation

1. Millennials are the largest generation at over 85-90 million people in the US, and are the most educated generation in history.

This sounds exciting, but with the supply of educated workers much higher than the demand for them in the workforce, it has created a perfect storm for unemployment, underemployment, and a flat-out frustrating beginning to our career.

As I write in my new book All Groan Up:

The job hunt has become the Millennial version of the Hunger Games – without the cameras or any interaction with Jennifer Lawrence.”

The college diploma feels worth as much as your high school degree now, with the new tension of feeling like you have to now get a master’s or Phd to even be allowed into the game.

But I was just talking to a friend who just received his master’s degree in Biology from a well-respected state school who said that half of his classmates were working part-time jobs and still living at home.

A degree still feels like a must, but it is no longer the automatic door opener.

2. 40% of unemployed workers are Millennials. – US Census Data

This stat from PEW Research says it all.

Millennials are:

“The first in modern era to have higher levels of student loan debt, poverty and unemployment, and lower levels of wealth and personal income than any other generation at the same stage of life.”

We are stepping out of what I term The Steroid Era — just like the heroes in sports we cheered and cried out for were found to be “artificially enhancing” their success, so was almost every facet of business, real estate, and government.

When leaders, sports figures, and CEO’s say, “I’m not a Liar” it merely feels like the perfect preface for Stephen Colbert to use as a punchline.

Every generation uses the ceiling of the generation before them to become their floor to build off of. Instead, it feels like our generation is dodging the crumbling remains of the ceiling exploding above us.

3. Average college debt for a Millennial is around $33,000 with the median household income remaining the same since 1999. (PEW Research and USA Today college)

With the national college debt now at 1.3 trillion dollars and college tuition seeing a 1,140% increase since the late 70s, coupled with the longest stretch of income stagnation in the modern era, no wonder why the highest percentage of twentysomethings ever recorded (around 35%) are living back with their parents.

The college debt in the United States is more than credit card and auto loan debt combined. As Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban writes in The Coming Meltdown of College Education, “We freak out about the Trillions of dollars in debt our country faces. What about the TRILLION DOLLARs plus in debt college kids are facing?”

In All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job!, I tell the story of my roommate Micah and I failing to “make it” in our mid-twenties, and as we struggled to move our lives forward,

…it felt like trying to pull a grand piano filled with one brick for every dollar we were still paying in loans for the college education that was supposed to accelerate us. And being that Micah was a missionary kid and I was a pastor’s, this was a shiz-load of bricks.”

“Some 88 percent of minimum-wage workers are 20 years or older and 4 in 10 of those workers are college graduates.” – NPR 

4. Millennials are reporting the highest levels of clinical anxiety, stress, and depression than any other generation at the same age. (Psychology Today)

With some of the statistics above, no wonder so many twentysomethings feel like they’re going through a quarter-life crisis.

Many want to blame Millennials’ problems on the fact that we’re entitled and lazy. Sure, we have things we need to improve upon as we re-set our expectations and timeline for how long and hard it’s going to be to find our way.

But when I look at Millennials I don’t see a generation entitled to success, we are obsessed with it.

And for good reasons.

We don’t know how to fail. And even when we do fail, we’re pretty sure we actually won…We grew up in a competitive, bell-curve, wait-list society. Fighting for a spot on the team, in a school, at a job, for the win. We don’t want blue ribbons because we feel entitled to them; we want them because we’ve been in a cage match to win them our entire lives. Now, the stakes to win those blue ribbons are just slightly higher.” – Paul Angone, All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! 

Couple that with the new disorder I’ve coined and call The new OCD – Obsessive Comparison Disorder, and you have a whirling destructive force of anxiety and depression.

We’re all struggling, yet we’re all struggling to make it appear like we’re not struggling! (click to tweet)

And there’s real repercussions to this reality like this scary statistic from Psychology Today : “The suicide rate among young adults has tripled since the 1950s and suicide is currently the second most common cause of death among college students.”

As I write in 101 Secrets For Your Twenties, “You’re not alone in this struggle…Feel no shame in seeking help from a counselor or therapist. We all have rotting junk we try to wrap and hide under the Christmas tree.”

5. Millennials are having children at an average age of 30 with 47% of births to women in the Millennial generation being non-marital. (PEW Research)

Buying a house, getting married, and having kids, are all being pushed back 5-8 years later than previous generations. When you can’t afford to pay rent, you’re definitely not thinking about the “typical” adult markers of achievement and progress.

Researcher Jeffrey Jensen Arnett calls it “emerging adulthood,” as young adults today aren’t stepping full-force into adulthood, we’re backing into it. We’re sliding our way through all the setbacks to try and create a life we want to live. It’s just taking a lot longer than we ever could’ve planned.

How Millennials Overcome These Very Real Challenges

There is so much changing right now that I think we’ll look back in thirty years and fully understand why we didn’t feel like we could stand up, because everything was swirling beneath us.

Here are 3 things that really helped me overcome these challenges in my life.

1. Asking Myself Hard, Intentional Questions

Many of us don’t want to have difficult conversations with the person we’re avoiding the most — ourselves.

Yet, there’s something incredibly important and profound to asking yourself intentional questions, and then actually taking the time to write down your answers.

I wrote a popular post titled 11 Questions Every Twentysomething Needs to Ask, if you’re looking for a place to start.

I think many of us think we’ve defined things in our lives, or that we know who we are, yet we’ve actually been distracting ourselves from the truth.

2. Giving Myself the Grace and Space to Fail (without calling myself a failure)

For so many years in my twenties I felt like a failure, when really I was experiencing many small successes that were leading to failed end results.

I kept focusing on the final outcome without giving credit to the amazing wins and all the new skills I was learning along the way.

As I write in 101 Secrets For Your Twenties, “Failing is simply finding a more profound way to be successful, if you’re willing to keep trying and giving yourself the real possibility of failing again…The biggest failure of our twenties would be if we never had any.”

3. Finding my Signature Sauce

I believe we each have our own Signature Sauce, a unique flavor that we bring to the world that no one else can.

And it’s going to take time, effort, and a couple failed experiments and scars to figure out what your Signature Sauce is.

As Seth Godin writes in Linchpin, “The future belongs to chefs, not cooks or bottle washers. It’s easy to buy a cookbook (filled with instructions to follow) but really hard to find a chef book.”

Through my 10+ years of writing and research I’ve identified nine crucial ingredients that truly successful people live by for maximum significance and impact. And I’m working on a new online program coming soon that’s all about defining, refining, owning, and honing your Signature Sauce and leveraging it into a life dripping with significance, purpose, and profit! If you want to be the first one notified when the program goes live, check out the one page Signature Sauce website and enter your email.

We Must Be Purposeful in the Process

Maybe this Great Recession will be the best thing that ever happened to Millennials because it’s forced us to learn patience, perseverance, and grit.

Many of us had the cocky slammed out of us by the Great Recession like a Pinata being smacked at a birthday party, and hopefully that will help us reap some sweet candy in the future.

Being successful in our twenties is about being purposeful in the process.

“Becoming an adult is not a one-time thing. You grow into growing up, each season bringing with it things you’re going to have to secretly Google to figure out how to do. I know we have this yearning to “arrive.” To make it…But maybe not making it is a gift. If you’ve arrived, why bother still exploring? When you’ve made it, why put in the extra time? Why battle the hard questions?” Why push yourself? Maybe every person who “made it” was simply stopping short. Maybe those of us who feel very “unmade” were simply meant to create more.” – Paul Angone, All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! 

The Secret to Doing Something BIG

Our lives are going to be big. We’ve always known it.

Our generation has more options, more education, and more “potential” at our disposal than any other in the history of humankind.

Yet, what happens when your dreams of making a big difference or making a lot of money fail to happen?

What happens when all the choices and options become the never-ending cereal aisle that we can never leave? What happens to us then?

When it seemed like I was doing nothing, I was stuck, disappointed, and hurt by my lack of talent and God’s lack of faithfulness. Instead of moving forward, I did what I know how to do best. Complain. Moan. Punch my pillow and pout.

Drowning in options is a terrible way to die. (click to tweet that)

My desire to do something big was clearly not happening. Until I started understanding this secret.

The Secret to Doing Something BIG

If you want to do something big, you must first have the courage to be faithful in the small. (click to tweet)

What if we walked around actually believing we have a specific purpose for our lives—to bring life to the world around us in the every day?

I’m not just talking about joining in the latest provocative social justice issue. Not that you shouldn’t. Or that you shouldn’t still desire to impact the world. But it must start simpler and more everyday than that.

It’s not just about social justice. It’s about being just in your daily social sphere.

You don’t join a cause. You live in one. Every day.

It doesn’t have to be labeled “big” to be worth your time. (click to tweet that)

It doesn’t have to be monumental to be worthy of our effort.

It doesn’t have to be “social-media-worthy” for you to take a picture. (click to tweet that)

Every single day you have the chance to forget about your “problems” and help the world with theirs.

You can’t help humanity if you’ve forgotten how to be human.

Right now where you sit, if you feel like your big dreams and hopes aren’t coming true, maybe God isn’t ignoring you. Maybe God is saving your life.

We cry out for a big calling, yet like a newborn colt trying to carry a huge load, the big would’ve crushed us.

Our generation wants to make a big impact, and that’s an amazing vision to have. Yet, why do we think we’re going to bypass the years of training, refining, loneliness, brokenness, and failure it’s going to take to make it happen?

It took me ten years of re-writing, failing, and starting over before my new book All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! became the real thing it needed to become.

We have to find meaning in the mundane before we can bring meaning anywhere beyond. (click to tweet)

Maybe our big dreams need to die so that our true purpose can be born.

To read how I learned this lesson from Shopping Cart Man, check out my recent article for OnFaith and/or snag my new book All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! in which this article was adapted from.

Today is the day! // All Groan Up in bookstores

Today is the big day!

I am so excited to announce the release of my new book All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job!

It is available wherever books are sold, so pick up a copy at your nearest Barnes and Noble, or snag it online at Amazon or BN.com.

My amazing girls loving on All Groan Up

If you’ve felt all alone in the struggle to find your path, purpose, or just a job you don’t hate, this book is going to speak hope and hilarity right to you. I promise. If it doesn’t, let me know and I will personally give you a full refund.

But don’t take my word for it! Here’s a few of my favorite responses from early readers of All Groan Up that they have posted on their blogs, through social media, or have emailed directly to me about the book…

What real readers are saying about All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job!

“If Donald Miller’s and Jon Acuff’s books had a baby, it would be Paul Angone’s All Groan Up.” – Alyssa Padgett on Twitter

“In All Groan Up, Paul gives us a front-row seat to his painfully awkward, often hilarious and incredibly relevant personal journey of his twenties…The result: a book that will leave you looking with excitement to your own possible future rather than weighed down by your past failures.” – Joanna Hyatt, Review of All Groan Up

“Just finished @paulangone’s new book – literally devoured it in one afternoon! As a frustrated twentysomething this was exactly what I needed to hear – a powerful mix of humor, transparency and genuine hope.” – David Ramos on Instagram

“I laughed (out loud, by myself in my room) as I read this book. I nodded my head agreeing with the (what I know is now normal) life stories and angst of almost every twentysomething.” – Review of All Groan Up on The Chelsea Page

And the very first reader response I received by email had me bursting out laughing. And I quote:

“Almost done [with the book]. Holy sh*t. The stuff you share. You’ve got big balls.”

Find out what these readers are talking about for yourself and pick up your copy of All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! releasing today!

Help Spread the Word

So much of what AllGroanUp.com has always been about is exploding the lie that we are all alone in this struggle. When you share with your friends about this book, you are offering hope to friends who might be struggling more than you know. I really need your help spreading the word about All Groan Up. It’s 3am as I write this and I think I’ve done all I can do.

Sample Facebook Post:

I’m very excited to announce that my friend Paul Angone’s new book – All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! (Zondervan) hits bookstores today! This book is a must-read for twenty and thirtysomethings who need a good laugh and some inspiration. Or just for anyone who doesn’t quite feel at home in their “groan up” pants…

Sample Tweets:

All Groan Up by @PaulAngone releases today! This book is hilarious, honest, and hopeful. Check it out! http://bit.ly/AllGroanUp

Just bought a copy of @PaulAngone’s new book All Groan Up: Searching for Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! http://bit.ly/AllGroanUp

I love @PaulAngone’s new book All Groan Up: Searching for Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! Snag it now. http://bit.ly/AllGroanUp

All Groan Up by @PaulAngone releases today! This is a must-read for twentysomethings. Check it out! http://bit.ly/AllGroanUp

Sample Email Copy to Send to Friends:

Hi Friends,

I’m writing you a quick note that you really need to check out a new book that just released today called All Groan Up: Searching For Self, Faith, and a Freaking Job! by Paul Angone.

All Groan Up is a must-read for twenty and thirtysomethings. It’s incredibly relatable, funny, and inspiring. Angone pulls back the veil on the fears, doubts, lies and big questions we all have, but are reluctant to share. Please pick it up and lets read it together. You can snag the book right now at Amazon or Barnes and Noble.

Thank you!!

I believe All Groan Up is the most important thing I’ve ever written and it has the potential to reach twenty and thirtysomethings in a profound way. I can’t thank you enough for your help in making this book release a crazy success. Let’s do this!!

Thank you from the bottom of my exhausted, excited heart!

Yours,

Paul Angone

A Prayer for Every Twentysomething

I pray that you will know that you’re enough even when you don’t feel like you’re accomplishing much of anything.

I pray that you will dream big and be faithful in the small.

I pray that you will give yourself grace in not knowing what you’re doing while you figure out what to do.

I pray that you will listen to that small, still voice inside of you that is screaming to be heard.

I pray that you will be plagued by peace even when the world feels infected by the contrary.

I pray you will define, refine, own, and hone who you are. That you will have the courage to find your signature sauce no matter how many failed experiments it takes to get there.

I pray that staring at the blank white walls in front of you won’t overwhelm you, but will give you the excitement to pick up a brush and paint.

I pray that you will create.  That you will walk through your day expecting to see something amazing. You’re living in a masterpiece.

I pray you’ll have the courage to change. That you will never know the cold confused complacency of thinking you’ve got it all figured out.

I pray that you’ll put your phone down when you sit on the toilet because you don’t have to be online every second. And come on, I might need to borrow your phone someday and that’s just gross.

I pray that the heavy weight of all the unknowns will feel surprisingly light.

I pray that the next movie you stream on Netflix will actually be worth your time.

I pray that when a friend calls, you will pick up the phone even when it doesn’t feel like the right time to talk. Because for many years in your twenties it might not feel like the right time to talk.

When it feels like God is not answering your prayers for all the big things you’re crying out for, I pray that you’ll see that maybe God is not ignoring you. Maybe God is saving your life.

I pray that you will mentor and be mentored. That you will intentionally seek out those who you can help and those who might want to help you.

I pray that at least once this year when everyone’s stuck in traffic that you will pull over in a field and lay on the hood of your car.

I pray that you will truly embarrass yourself once this year going for something that you feel completely incapable of going for. And that you’ll realize how much you can accomplish along the path to a failed end result.

I pray that you’ll look a few people in the eyes this week and tell them how much you love them.

I pray that you will war for hope.

I pray that you won’t need to hit rock bottom before you begin your descent back up.

The next time you do a belly flop, I pray you’ll see that God is waiting there, ready to wrap your hurting body in a big warm towel.

I pray that when you feel like you’ve got nothing left, you will realize that sometimes breaking is the only way to become whole.

I pray that you’ll know when it’s time to run and when it’s time to crawl.

I pray you’ll know when it’s time to work in a cubicle and when it’s time to light it on fire.

This is my prayer for you.

PS – This prayer was written while sitting on the hood of my car during peak LA traffic. 

What’s your prayer? Let us know within the comments below. 

Interview with Jon Acuff: The Guarantee in Life that Changes Everything

How do you prepare for change before you feel like you’re drowning in it?

Most of the time, we’re thrown into change like a cat into the bathtub. We didn’t ask for it and now we’re just struggling to stay afloat. (and not too happy about the whole process either).

How do you step into your next “do-over,” whether it be at college graduation, a new job, or a relationship, and thrive in transition instead of being crushed by it?

I asked these questions to the New York Times bestselling author Jon Acuff, who just released his newest book Do Over.  Jon shares amazing secrets to thriving through change, even as the rules to being successful constantly change themselves.

Change isn’t just coming. Change is here. Listen to my interview with Jon Acuff, snag his new book Do-Over and step into change prepared to crush it.

Key Takeaways/Highlights in my Interview with Jon Acuff:

– Why transitions are so hard and why we don’t honestly talk about it

– What you can say back to that older, official adult who is telling you to “just figure it out...”

– “70% of Americans are dissatisfied with work, yet 100% of them aren’t meant to be entrepreneurs…”

– Why it’s a good thing you’re not working your dream job right now.

– How you prepare for change by building a “Career Savings Account” — Relationships + Skills + Character x Hustle

– Two questions you need to ask before you quit your job

– What Jon means when he writes in Do-Over that “The distance between comfortable and comatose is surprisingly short.”

– An amazing tip to finding and impressing a mentor

– What 25 year old Jon wishes he would’ve done differently…

– And my total joke fail when I thought “crusted butt” would be funny (and it was not…)

10 Things Single Guys Want Single Girls to Know

Today we have a quick and insightful guest post from Professional Counselor, and author of True Love Dates, Debra Fileta. Enjoy! 

Ever wish you could get a glimpse into the mind of the opposite sex?

Just to get a clue, I posed a question on social media asking single guys what word of advice they wanted single girls to know about interacting with them.

It was fun to see the answers come rolling in. Here are some of the favorites!

Photo by Jonny Wikins – Creative Commons

If you’re interested- make it obvious. We’re not good with subtlety, and we definitely can’t read your mind.


…And, by the way, we can’t read your mind.


If you’re not interested- don’t play games.


Always be yourself and celebrate your uniqueness. Don’t try to be something you’re not.


If we ask you out, do us the favor of actually responding. Even if it’s a no – don’t just avoid answering.


Don’t flaunt yourself. Believe it or not, modesty is attractive to a lot of us guys.


Remember- we’re human, and we will make mistakes.


Don’t blame all of us for the mistakes of some (or even the mistakes of one).


Realize that we’ve got our own insecurities, too.


Be patient with us. If we haven’t asked you out- there’s probably a good reason.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this post from the single ladies to the single guys!

We’d love to hear from you within the comments below: Single ladies, what did you think of their advice? Single guys, what are some other things you want single girls to know? 

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life as well as the 21-Days To JumpStart Your Love-Life Program, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 100+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of the True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!

What to Do When You Have No Idea What the Heck You Should Do

This is a guest post by Kevin Garcia. Enjoy!

It’s nearly time for my ten year high school reunion. Where did the time go? I’m still asking, “What should I do with my life?” and yet, it feels like just yesterday I was tweeting via text message on my Motorola Razor.

It just feels weird. I feel like I should have something to show for the last 10 years.

Maybe you are experiencing the same pressure; a pressure to perform or meet someone else’s expectations of success. We’re all asking, “What should I do with my life?” We know we want to do something meaningful with our lives, something that fulfills us, but therein lies the problem:

You have no idea what the heck you should do with your life.

My final year of college, there was one question every senior was constantly asked: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

I don’t freakin’ know! I thought I knew, but then I realized I didn’t want to (insert your original idea for your life here). I’m totally different than I was when I moved into my freshman dorm, and I didn’t think about it sooner because….

You get where I’m going? It is an all too common thing with our culture. We’re expected to always have an answer. We have all the resources in the world but can’t seem to figure it out.

Photo Credit: rachel sian via Compfight cc

What next?

Even now, I’m still trying to figure it all out. However, a few years back, I heard the best advice about what to do when I had no idea what to do:

During one of my final days in college, my professor invited a guest speaker. He was tall, bald, with a surprisingly high pitched voice. He had just one question for us: “What next?” None of us knew what to say. We’re graduating next week, some of us had jobs, but most of us were at a loss. We sat there, saying nothing, letting the silence settle in. After a few moments, our guest spoke up.

“You know,” he began, “it is okay not to know what’s next, to live in that space. Set up camp, take time to mull it over and work through those things, but don’t let that time be idle. Look at who you are, what you want, and make a choice to do something about it. Because where you are at is a campsite, it is no place to live. You eventually need to break camp, saddle up, and press on.”

I don’t have to know?

That was a revolutionary idea for me. I had been told for years to get my stuff together, to make a plan, to be a professional. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t get it together and my plan was falling apart. I had no idea what I wanted. And it was okay. The same is true for all of us.

Life doesn’t happen the way we plan it. (SHOCKER, right?)

Sometimes we settle for jobs we aren’t crazy about because we need to pay the bills. And that is okay, too! We just need to start doing something. That’s what I did.

Graduation came and went, and rather than going into the field I got a degree in, I went abroad to do humanitarian work in some very impoverished areas of the world for six months. It was in that space that I realized  I loved relationships.

However, when I got home I needed a job, and settled for a standard office job. I was in a monkey suit, answering phones all day. That’s okay, right? It had good pay and had benefits and opportunities for internal advancement.

But I had to do something.

After a while, I realized this job was not fulfilling me, and I stalled out about seven months before I decided to take a leap towards my passions. I chose a job in the non-profit sector working with people and doing creative things. And you know what? I landed on my feet. Sure, it was scary, but I did something.

That’s the secret of what you should do with your life:

It doesn’t matter what you do, just do something. And if you don’t like that what you are doing, do something different. And after that, do something else until you find your niche, a place where you flourish and are exactly who you were made to be.

When the time comes for my high school reunion, I can almost guarantee my talking points won’t involve a fancy career or financial success.

But I will say that I’ve done something with these ten years. I have worked some boring jobs, I have hit rock bottom, but I still chased after something that gave me joy. That will speak volumes.

Where are you in this process? How are you dealing with not knowing what to do?  Share within the comments below.

Kevin Garcia is a musician, writer, educator, recovering type-A personality, and a hott mess of a human to say the least. He got his degree in music in 2013 and has been everything from a barista to a corporate office worker since then. He believes that by telling our story, we set others free to tell theirs. You can follow the ratch life of Kevin on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and over at his blog, theKevinGarcia.com