Evan Sanders's Blog, page 13
January 27, 2022
Life’s Hard Enough…
There’s these surprising little nuggets of wisdom that you pick up along the way. This has been one that’s really helped me get through tough times. It came from one of my teachers who studied with monks for over a decade. He obviously learned and passed on many many more things…but this one particularly stuck with me.
“Life’s hard enough. Don’t make it worse.”
The challenges are going to come. There’s no arguing that. But when they do, there exists a choice of what to do with them.
You can fundamentally make things better, or worse. If you meet those challenges with fear, doubt, worry, judgement, anxiety, criticism etc…it’s going to make it worse. Sometimes a whole lot worse. Now you’re not just in the hole you fell into but you’re digging yourself deeper. It takes even more work to climb out.
But if you do happen to fall into a hole, understand that these things happen. Sometimes they happen no matter how much you tried to prevent it from taking place. Since you’re there, understanding that it is indeed, just a pit, and that you have what you need to get out of it.
Meet it with understanding, love, skill, strategy, compassion, courage and all of the great qualities about you.
When you do, you’ll see that very same pit from a completely different angle. You’ll use what you’ll have and find your way out of a difficult situation.
And if you’ve found yourself with not the best mental attitude about things, that’s okay. Don’t judge yourself from that either (remember – don’t make it worse). Just recognize that’s where you’ve been and make the shift to something more productive.
Be gentle with yourself. That’s how you get through.
Evan Sanders
January 6, 2022
One Day You Let Go
It’s interesting that as you continue on your path, you learn that it’s far more about letting go than adding on. It’s about dissolving stories, habits, patterns, rituals, relationships that don’t serve you.
The result ends up being a new sense of joy and peace coming into your life. The more and more you let go of the more space you create for things you actually want to be there.
My mentor once told me that there are two really simple but significant rules on growth and development. One, continue doing what you’ve been doing well. Two, stop doing what hasn’t been going so well.
I laughed when I heard it. Not because I thought it was a joke but because of how sophisticated that simple truth really is.
So I can pass that along to you at the beginning of this new year. Look at what you’re doing well and take note of it. Look at what hasn’t been going so well or what’s been holding you back and begin to wind it down.
If you can take what you have in your life as it stands right now and modify it in ways that really serve you you’re going to grow like crazy.
It’s always about adding on things that are “outside” of yourself. It can be about embracing who you are already and improving up on that.
Little by little.
Piece by piece.
Decision by decision.
That’s how you bloom.
Evan Sanders
December 8, 2021
When The Lessons Arrive
When the lessons finally arrive, all you can really do is embrace the. Accept them as they are. They are messengers from an unfinished past. And if you can hold them, you’ll learn. My oh my you’ll learn.
You were never meant to be perfect. This life you’re navigating through is messy and complicated just as you are. And that’s exactly how it’s meant to be. Balanced.
So you can let go of trying to be anything but what you are. There will be things along the way you discover that you want to work on and begin to shift. But you make those choices from a place of love and not judgement.
You decide to change because you want to. Not because you thought you had to. The soul makes that choice. It chooses out of what best serves you and will help you grow into more and more of who you are.
What’s always given my mind a bit of a bend is thinking about how maybe we aren’t creating ourselves minute by minute, but uncovering something that was there so long ago we never even really knew it existed…
Because it seems to me, all these years later, I’m learning to let go of more and more and even though that can be a bit scary at times, all that shows up on the other side is joy.
Layer by layer the mud comes off and you’re left with just, you. You as you really are. You as you were always meant to be.
Embrace the messiness of it all. Endless color rather than a world of grays. Complicated. Mysterious. Just as it should be.
Evan Sanders
November 30, 2021
No Matter How Far The Paths Diverge
To be with someone and be truly seen and heard is one of the greatest gifts of all. They understand on a deeper level what you’ve been through, who you are now and all you wish to become.
They see the progression, the pain, the stories, the broken dreams, the will to fight on and the great ambitions that still exist. They understand you in a way that no words can describe. A true connection.
You’re never done.
There’s never a place that you reach when you are officially cooked. There’s always more to learn, understand, grow into and relearn. That’s the incredible thing about this journey.
It’s never-ending. It’s always unfolding.
So when you are being a bit hard on yourself for not being “there”…realize that place doesn’t exist. It’s never going to look exactly how you thought it would. But that’s the point and it doesn’t actually mean it’s a bad thing. It could be so much more.
A long time ago I heard someone say, “What if it could be so much better than you’ve ever imagined?” And I thought about that for a while and really tried to understand it. Our minds are limited in what we can “see” in the future. So at some point you’re going to have to let faith take over and know that there’s so much more out there for you that could completely knock your socks off.
Surround yourself with people who believe in you and support you through and through. Make sure you stay open to their guidance because it’s coming from a rare place of truly wanting the best for you.
And even more importantly, make sure you are your best guide as well. Practice removing judgement from your daily conversation. Seek wisdom and understanding when you make a mistake or head the wrong direction. Learn rather than beating yourself up with toxic language and practices.
Grow. Grow. And never stop growing.
Evan Sanders
You Can’t Yell At A Flower To Make It Grow Faster
I had connected with who I really was, gained back my courage and confidence from that pesky wolf of fear and for the first time in a long time, things were going very well.
I was tackling a lot of challenges, making some good progress on my goals and dreams and I was ecstatic about moving forward.
Off in the distance I could see everything I had ever wanted. My potential was right there and like Ricky Bobby In Taledega Nights I stepped on that gas pedal.
And…WHAM!
I got blindsided by life and knocked flat on my back. What happened?
I started failing over and over again just in a different ways this time.
WHYYYYYYYY?!
This was driving me absolutely crazy.
I was at the point of wondering if the heavens themselves were getting a good laugh out of watching me struggle. I didn’t know if I was living in some sort of lie or if it was all some bad joke.
All I knew is that I wanted out. Where’s the jailbreak!?
I used to joke about my Guardian Angel having a drinking problem and always showing up late to help me out, but not this time.
Right when I landed in this pit, I was heading into my last week- long session at coaching school.
During our first break I went up to my coach and started emotionally barfing all of this stuff out about everything going wrong in my life.
I was saying things like, “What’s the point of all of this work if I’m not making progress and achieving my goals?!” I was very frustrated and pretty much done at this point.
She stood there with me for about 10 minutes until I finally took a breath and then walked me over to a plant in the corner of the room.
She said, “Evan, tell me about this plant here.”
What does this have to do with anything?
She goes, “Come on, tell me.”
Okay I’ll play. Well, there’s the roots, the stem, the leaves and the flower. How in the world is this going to help me?
She looked at me with a smile on her face and said, “Good. Now, can you stand over that flower and yell at it to make it grow faster?”
Damn…
I knew exactly what she was getting at. It hit me like a sack of bricks.
I had fallen into a “get there, there, there” mindset.
You know, the one where you try to get to that island where it all turns out. The I’ll be happy when island. Because I was racing towards this finish line, I was committing one huge error.
I wasn’t being patient and trusting the process.
I was pushing for everything to happen right this instant and that’s not how life works…at all.
Imagine going into a garden, dumping fertilizer on a seed, pouring way too much water on it and yelling at it expecting it to do something. It’s kind of like that.
No wonder things weren’t working.
I looked back at her and said, “Roger that. I get it. Thank you.”
Later that night, I was watching Kung Fu Panda and Master Oogway says to the panda who is struggling with a similar situation, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.”
Ok universe I get it!
It was time to plug back in and trust the process.
From that moment on, I let things play out the way they were supposed to, never forcing a result and started to watch everything change around me.
The result?
My goals and dreams started to unfold in their own time and the anxiety that I used to feel about the future disappeared.
I realized how wonderful life is when you don’t force it and you’re patient.
That’s when things really started to take off for me. The more patient I was the better chance I had to achieve my goals.
This nugget of wisdom has been absolutely priceless.
I have used this lesson in coaching so many different people and it has helped them make huge breakthroughs. Many have healed their pain, unhappiness, addictions, depression, anxiety, body image, negative thoughts and emotions and the list really goes on.
The one undeniable truth in all of this is that when you show up here and you let things play out as they need to, that’s when everything starts to click and fall into place.
So you might be thinking, “But I don’t have time to be
patient.” You have to learn. This one secret prevents you from spending years spinning your wheels and stunting your own growth. When you push too hard, you have the opposite effect of what you really want.
You also might be thinking, “But there looks so much better than here.” That future that you want though actually depends on what is going on “here.” If you don’t show up here, if you aren’t patient enough to let things grow, you’ll never actually get there.
Trust me, I don’t want you to spend your entire life rowing to that island “where it all turns out” (and never make it) and abandon the path you were meant to travel the entire time.
This final secret glues everything together.
If you can trust the process and be patient, everything will start to unfold as it should and you will start unlocking all of the doors in front of you.
Evan Sanders
If you’re looking for some help/support with life right now are are interested in learning more about how my 1 on 1 private coaching sessions work, please go to www.1on1withevan.com
Turning Wolves Into Kittens
My internal dialogue used to sound a lot like the following when dealing with my problems.
“Run! Sweep it under the rug. Deal with it later. Just forget about it.”
When I was going through the mud, that was life for me. I just ran. I ran from everything, especially if it had some negative feelings attached to it.
My emotions were all over the place. I overthought things like it was my job and I was a human avalanche just waiting to happen because of all the stress. I was constantly living in a place of fear.
All I wanted was to just get out of this nightmarish groundhogs day, but I was so scared of failing and putting myself out there that I just stayed stuck in the same place.
This looming mental barrier felt impossible to get past and a big dark cloud followed me snuffing out any happy moments I had.
Life was pretty grim in this place.
Then something happened that was far beyond coincidence.
One day my coach who I had been working with for a while couldn’t make her appointment with her own coach and so she called me up and asked me if I would like to take her spot.
I immediately said, “YES” because her teacher was very well known and only worked with a handful of people. I knew I couldn’t miss that chance. So I wiped my calendar clean for the day and a few hours later drove to the depths of San Jose.
While being very excited, I had no idea what to expect. However, as soon as I walked into her home office and saw her for the first time, I knew I was going to be okay because she reminded me of The Oracle from The Matrix.
I sat down and within minutes just started speaking from my heart. I told her everything that was going on. I shared my fears, doubts and worries. I spilled out all of the secrets I had never told anyone. The mask came off and I just sat there vulnerable and exposed.
It became very apparent to me in speaking with her how much fear gripped my life. Then, she did something I would never forget. She looked me in the eyes and said,
“The things we run from end up owning us.”
I think there are a few moments in life when you hear something that couldn’t come at a better time. This was definitely one of those for me.
Her words shook me mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
She helped me realize that everything I was avoiding was running my life. It was tearing me apart. Everything that I swept under the rug hoping that it would just disappear was still there waiting to be dealt with.
It was never going away. If I didn’t deal with it, it would just get worse.
I had to face that big dark wolf that I had been running from for so long. It was time to take back control and do what I had avoided forever. I had to summon my courage and turn to face my deepest of fears.
To be honest, I really didn’t want to do this. I thought that I would be eaten alive and destroyed by my fears. Even thinking of going back into some of these old traumatic events that happened in my life was terrifying. But knew I had to do it.
So here comes this big metaphorical turn to finally face that dark wolf (bracing myself for an extinction level event).
But something really unexpected happened.
Instead of seeing my worst nightmare ready to devour me… I only saw…a little kitten.
In that moment, I realized that because I had my back turned to my problems for so long, they all were blown way out of proportion.
The shadow of that little kitten became a huge wolf that fed upon my fear and grew way out of control. I was terrified of nothing. Right there and then, I learned what fear really stands for.
False Evidence Appearing Real
All of the things I was scared of, when I finally faced them, started to crumble away one by one. I learned that when darkness is exposed to our light it dissolves into thin air. Even our deepest fears, while being more difficult to work with, eventually soften in the presence of love and light.
As great as all this was, it was the sense of courage that I got back that mattered to me the most. That’s what really counted. No longer was fear suffocating that inherent inner confidence and willpower I knew I always had inside.
I remember working with someone who always ran away from everything as well. Their story actually reminded me a lot of my own in many ways, and here’s what happened when they made the same shift.
“I can promise you if you are prepared to do the work the rewards will come in abundance. Now, I have a new story which is full of so much love, gratitude, forgiveness, courage and strength to face the world every day with a “no matter what comes my way I can do this” attitude.”
If that’s not confidence, then I don’t know what is.
So you might be thinking, “Well what if I turn and face my fear but get overrun by it?” The truth is, when you turn towards what you’re scared of head on, it starts to shrink immediately. You can see it for what it is when it’s exposed to the light. Then, you can dissolve it.
You also might be thinking, “Well, I’m no Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson with smoldering intensity, how can I do this?!” Remember Secret 1? You’ve have everything you need. Just connect to it. You’re already the hero of your own story.
And if you’re thinking, “What if I have too many fears to handle all at once?” Take your time and start small. Start with one little fear you have and see how this works. When you gain some courage and momentum, go for the bigger ones. You’re in no rush.
This secret is worth its weight in gold.
Now you can master and transform your fears by facing the things that scare you instead of running from them. Now you can act out of courage and fearlessness.
The next time you get a bit scared, I want you to visualize a little kitten eating a wolf! If you do you’ll have a mental shift and know which way to go next (or at least a good laugh!)
Evan Sanders
If you’re looking for some help/support with life right now are are interested in learning more about how my 1 on 1 private coaching sessions work, please go to www.1on1withevan.com
You Forgot You Own A Ferrari
A handful of years into my new journey, despite some early success, I was getting my butt kicked.
I hit some pretty bad rough patches and got stuck in this place that I couldn’t get out of. I felt trapped.
There was an endless cycle of setting big goals, followed by short bursts of perfectionism which were then ultimately sabotaged by paralyzing fear.
Then, I would start the process all over again hoping for a different result. I’m not exaggerating when I say that this loop went on thousands of different times.
I knew I was in a trap but I didn’t know how to get out of it.
I was following all the advice I was being given. Go to seminars, listen to speeches, read the self-help books, but there was always that impenetrable wall I couldn’t get past.
I don’t know what it was, but something inside me came up with the idea to burn the ships and go to school to become a professional life coach.
Since I couldn’t help myself, maybe I could learn directly from those who helped others? Maybe that would help me get out of the pit?
My first day of class, I will never forget this, I was matched up with this amazing coach and I just dumped my heart out to him in front of everyone.
I told him everything. I told him how lost I felt, how I didn’t think I could get through this, how bad I was feeling and that I didn’t know which way was up. I put it all on the table.
What happened next would completely change my life.
He told me this exact story.
He said, “Imagine you bought a Ferrari but you never drove it and just parked it outside. After a few days you would walk out and go, “Ah my Ferrari.” After a few weeks, maybe it’s pretty dirty, but still a Ferrari. After a few months and then a few years there would be weeds, bees, squirrels, mud and dirt all over it and you might recognize it. But maybe after 10 to 20 years, you could walk outside and not even recognize that under that pile of dirt is a Ferrari. You might even think it’s a Fiat.
He went on to say, “You see, all of the pain and suffering you’ve gone through, all of these stories other people have told you about who you are, the things that have happened and the formulas you’ve tried to follow, have led you to believe that you own a Fiat. But you’ve always owned a Ferrari, and to find that again, you first have to remember that you never lost it. Then, you have to give it a good wash.”
In that moment I felt this click. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I realized that the equation we are given is broken.
I had been taught my entire life to look outside of myself for answers as if I was deficient or had to prove my worth. I was taught I had to “do, do, do” and achieve things to be satisfied with who I was and that would make me happy or successful.
But what I was never told was that the spark and happiness I was looking for, was here. Because I was never taught that, I headed down every wrong path imaginable chasing shadows and hollow achievements. That’s why I was failing. I had lost my connection to what was within.
This rocked my world.
I knew what he was saying was true and that I just needed it to work one time and I would be encouraged that there was a different path for me.
I went to work on uncovering that “Ferrari,” cleaning it off and removing everything from my life that didn’t serve me. I sifted through old stories, memories, bad habits and the things that held me back.
Eventually, I got down to the very core of who I really was. I found that confidence. I unearthed that sense of belief I had lost since I was very little. I could see that iconic red paint again.
Soon after I reconnected with that childlike fearlessness I had disconnected from all those years ago, I finally achieved a decade old dream I had failed at thousands of times before and I knew it was because of this nugget of wisdom I had been given.
Even though achieving that dream was the most incredible moment of my life, it was finding that spark again that changed me forever.
I finally had access to the best version of myself and I could take that with me anywhere. I finally found my Ferrari.
But this isn’t just my experience.
I coached a wonderful woman recently through the same “loop” and here’s what happened when she finally connected with her true self (her Ferrari) after having spent a lifetime trying to prove her worth to others through achievements, awards and everything else we are told that will make us happy.
“My life has completely changed. I can’t believe how my mindset has completely shifted after a relatively short time. I’ve done so many things in the past, but it was this gentle push in the right direction that helped me finally get it all in place.”
How cool is that?!
But you might be thinking, “Well, Evan that sounds like a lot of work though?” But the truth is that these shifts don’t need a massive amount of work to happen. Even the simplest of stories can have a huge impact on your life and change the way you see the world.
Or maybe you’re like, “Well I lost my way a long time ago, what if it can’t get it back?” Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve disconnected with your confidence because it’s always there waiting for you. It’s ready for you to tap into it. All you have to do is connect.
That’s the power of this secret. When you come back here and connect with the gifts you already have, your confidence unlocks and everything starts to move in the right direction.
Evan Sanders
If you’re looking for some help/support with life right now are are interested in learning more about how my 1 on 1 private coaching sessions work, please go to www.1on1withevan.com
November 29, 2021
If You Can’t Wait For It
What I’m about to tell you won’t be easy. What I can promise you though is that this practice, while challenging, will be one of the most worthwhile things you will ever take on in your life. And if you’re up for trying something new, keep reading on.
The story you are telling yourself about what happened is far more powerful than the details of what happened. Tracking with me so far? It’s how you are viewing it that determines everything.
The greatest shift you can possibly make is moving from judgement to compassion. Judgement is like a thick molasses that causes you to stick to fear, doubt, worry, depression etc. and just makes everything worse. It’s a trap. It magnifies the events of life that are already painful and the suffering compounds.
But love and compassion are the solvent to all darkness. They lead to curiosity, wisdom and understanding and send judgement to flight. They disintegrate all boundaries and barriers in the stories we have written – even and especially if those stories have existed for decades.
To be able to view the mistakes and failures in life through the eyes of understanding, love, wisdom and compassion is not to let yourself off easy for the things that have happened, but to inherently understand that we are all fallible as human beings and missteps are part of the journey. They are one of the biggest ways we learn and we can only learn those lessons once we come to a place of acceptance.
You cannot learn when the environment that’s been created in the mind is full of toxic negativity. There’s no room for wisdom when fear, guilt, self-hatred and judgement are present. It’s impossible to grow anything there.
Eventually, the shift has to be made to more wholesome ways of looking at things. That is how you will move on. Learning through the lens of light instead of darkness. That’s how you see beauty in failure. You begin to understand that in the seed of failure exists boundless lessons about paths that need to be traveled and who you can be along the journey.
This is the way.
Evan Sanders
November 28, 2021
The Greatest Challenge I’ve Faced
The greatest challenge I’ve ever faced in my life was beginning to believe in myself after I felt like all had been lost.
When you lose faith and trust in yourself and everything around you, things begin to look pretty dark. It can feel like there’s no one who understands where you’re at and can possibly help you through the mud you’re in. If you’re in this place right now, I want you to hear what I’m about to say next.
No matter how bad it gets, deep within you lives a light that cannot be extinguished.
Some call it hope. Others call it courage. I think it may be different for everyone. But for me, it was resilience. It has always been there and no matter what was happening in my life, no matter how bad it seemed, I knew that if I just kept on moving forward, I would find my way out of the mud.
You will too.
To find this spark again, you need to quiet everything down around you – all of the voices, judgements and people – and reach deep within yourself and remind yourself of who you are beyond the fleeting opinions of the outside world.
Reach in and hold your dreams again. See how you have survived everything that’s ever come your way. Give yourself credit for still being here. And then, find that one reason why it’s going to be worth it for you to keep on moving forward.
That’s all you need.
When things were hard for me, I lived by the following quote by Eleanor Roosevelt. She said…
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
So stop and look fear dead in the face. When you do, it shrinks. You see it for what it really is. It was never a wolf chasing after you. It was only the shadow of a kitten.
You’ve got this.
Evan Sanders
November 27, 2021
The Trick Of It Is
You never know how long you will be walking the path with someone. Life has its own plans and no matter how much we try to look to the future and predict what’s going to happen, it’s all still a huge unknown.
But don’t let the constant coming and going of things make you fear what’s around the bend. Because all of the things in your life at one point in time were unknown to you. All of the wonderful moments you have lived were once just around the bend and you just didn’t know it yet.
So see it all through the eyes of possibility. Know that what could be…could turn out to be far more than you have ever imagined.
And then look to what you have in the moments in front of you and plant the seeds of joy, connection, gratitude and compassion. Immerse yourself in the moment. Because as wonderful as around the bend may be, it’s never as certain as what we have right here.
Be here. Be here. Be here.
There are some really special people that come into our lives that bring out the best in us. They might be friends, family, or relationships. Each of them bring a gift, something to teach you, something to offer you, and a path to you becoming who you are meant to be.
Appreciate them.
Tell them that you love them. Hold onto them while they are here and if at some point in time the path runs out – as hard as it may be – you can at least acknowledge that you were really here with them while they were as well.
It takes just a moment to let go of all your fears, doubts and worries and to connect with the fact that you are alive, loved, and looked after. People like this bring you back to who you are. They can help you re-discover what you thought was lost. They are guides to where you need to be.
Diamonds in the rough.
Evan Sanders
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