Evan Sanders's Blog, page 11

Lessons From Hugging A Porcupine

So I hate to break it to you, but I’ve never actually hugged a porcupine. 

But in this metaphor, I have. 

I think you’ll vibe with this one big time.

Relationships are complicated. 

Friendships, romantic relationships, developing relationships…and pretty much any type of relationship between two people out there in this world.

People are messy, life gets incredibly messy, and the fact that we can get along with all of the crazy things going on in our world is an absolute miracle. 

Then throw in people’s past experiences into the pot with a dash of ego and we have even more of a miracle that we can get along. 

But there’s something really to be said about “being there” for people despite all of the complexities of life. There’s something to be said for being someone’s rock when everything seems to be falling apart around them. 

We all want someone to put our back up against when times get tough.

The reality is, we actually all really need that person in our life. We need someone to talk to, to express our deepest fears and our greatest wishes, our worries, doubts, fears, insecurities and everything else in between. 

But it takes vulnerability. 

It takes breaking down those walls in front of someone else and being able to show them exactly who you are. You don’t censor it. You don’t hide parts. You just go…this is exactly who I am. 

The beautiful part of all of this?

You give someone the opportunity to love you just the way you are and just the way you aren’t. 

You become imperfectly perfect to them and they love you to death for knowing all of those flaws you’ve so desperately tried to hide from the world. 

In the end, people, down to their core, just really want to know that they matter. 

They want to feel like they are important to someone. They want to be the reason someone smiles or be the person who is on someone else’s mind. We all, deep down, are thirsting for a love that seems to be harder and harder to come by these days. 

So when people out there in the world are really hurting, when they are suffering, when they are emotional and in pain and may seem a bit prickly like a porcupine…

Hug them. 

Nourish them.

Love them.

Take care of them.

Break down their walls and barriers if they don’t have the courage to do it themselves. Stand right in front of them and say, “I love you exactly the way you are…no matter what version that may be right now. I’m right here.” 

That’s true love. 

That’s not asking someone to be anything but who they are. 

That’s how we all deserve to be loved. 

That’s how we all can love.

That’s what magic is made out of. 

Action Steps For Today

Intention: To give that good juicy magic type of love

Practice: Loving Your List

Today, call, write, text, send a passenger pigeon or an owl, write it in the sky…ok this is getting ridiculous…back to the practice…take the opportunity to reach out to at least 3 people in your life who are incredibly special to you and tell them that you care about them. But to take it a step further, tell them exactly why you love and adore them. As we all know, the “why” is incredibly important. Throw your heart into this one today. ​​​​​​​​

PS. If you’re feeling a bit “stuck” in life right now and looking for some help in navigating through your challenges, here at the 7 ways I can help you as a life coach www.1on1withevan.com

Tapping Into The Greatest Secret Of Change

There’s one incredibly powerful secret to change. 

And if you can nail this…

Many things will shift.

Focus all of your attention on building the new…

And take all of your focus away from what has happened in the past. 

I’m going to repeat this. Focus all of your attention on the new (what’s going on right now) and take all of your attention away from what happened (the past).

We create living hells for ourselves by keeping our minds stuck in the past. As you’ve probably realized by now, a lot of this series is about bringing your mind into the present moment and letting go of what has happened. 

You can’t go there anymore. Really…you can’t. 

But there’s one more piece of this puzzle after you bring your mind into the present moment, and this is something that has helped me successfully build a completely new life over the past 8 years. 

Focus on one thing you want to change in your life…every…single…day.

Just one. 

True long-lasting change comes at a price of devoting your entire life to taking daily steps. While we can make small changes on the spot, to make significant tectonic shifts in your life you will have to employ a completely different set of tactics than you have been taught before. 

This is the concept of the 1 degree of change. 

1 degree on a piece of paper if you draw it out looks small, but as time goes on that one degree builds into something much much greater.

Our lives work the exact same way. 

However…

If you obsess over making the “quantum leap” in your life, you are going to set yourself up for failure. 

Guaranteed! Like…Men’s Warehouse type of guaranteed! 

This journey of change is far from being a straight line. 

There are twists and turns and most of the time you have absolutely no idea what in the world is going to happen. But that’s the point.

The point is to give up your obsession with living in the future, to bring your mind back from living in the past and to ACT in the only moment you have…right now. 

Great achievements can be made if we focus on making intentional deliberate steps with our life.

That’s powerful. 

Very powerful. 

So start the journey of change…one step at a time…

Do it right now. 

Action Steps For Today 

Intention: To begin to map out your daily journey of change. 

Practice: Mapping It Out

Have some fun with this one. On a piece of paper, draw a map. This map could almost be like a treasure map. Whatever your goal is, draw it out on one piece of the paper and then on the other side of the paper, draw out where you are now. Then, make a squiggly line towards your goal (do not draw a straight line). Get creative with this line. Next, I want you to work from the end goal to the present day by drawing out as many milestones as you can imagine that you need to hit before you achieve that goal. After you’ve done this, fill in the blanks between the milestones as much as you can. 

At the end of it all, I want you to create a list of daily actions you need to take today, to reach your FIRST milestone. We will repeat this process after you hit it! ​​​​​​​

PS. If you’re feeling a bit “stuck” in life right now and looking for some help in navigating through your challenges, here at the 7 ways I can help you as a life coach www.1on1withevan.com

The Death Of “Should”

Dangerous word…that word “should.”

There’s a lot attached to that word. A lot of suffering comes from the word. A lot of pain, a lot of grief, and a lot of expectation. 

That word…can drive you mad or keep you stuck in the past. 

Maybe you’ve heard yourself say this before…

“That shouldn’t have happened…this should have happened…it should have gone this way.” 

But the truth is, it didn’t. It didn’t go that way.

When you stay in the land of should, you are stuck in the past or the future. 

When your “should” lives in the past, you can’t come to terms with what happened because it “should” have happened another way. You can’t accept what happened. You can’t accept the fact that the reality is the reality. Instead, you are trying to live in an alternate world that doesn’t exist. 

Like in meditation, you have to come back. 

When your “should” lives in the future, you are limiting yourself to a very shallow way of seeing into a land that is completely unknown and foreign to you. “It should happen like this.” And if it doesn’t? Usually there is a feeling of being let down or disappointed in what actually did happen. 

You have to come back. 

Truth is, we are all going to go through incredibly painful times in our lives. There will be moments that challenge us, make us want to fall to our knees in tears and make us crack under pressure. 

These dark times will always be there. 

But what will make us suffer even more is not accepting the truth…

What happened…happened…and it couldn’t have happened…in any other way.

And if you let go of the future, and come back to this moment?

What will happen…will happen…and it will be the most perfect thing for me.

No “should.”

No living in the past…because we’ve accepted it. 

No living in the future…because the only moment we have is right now. 

Only deep acceptance of what is happening in the present moment. Bring back your wandering mind over and over again. 

Be here.

Stay connected.

Accept.

Action Steps For Today

Intention: Exiting the land of “should.”

Practice: In your journal, identify a situation you can’t come to terms with. What is the language surrounding that story? Are you living in the land of should? Have you come to accept what happened did in fact happen? After you identify this story/event, write down a sentence underneath it that declares your acceptance of the situation.

(Ex. “What happened happened and it couldn’t have happened any other way.”)​​​​​​​

PS. If you’re feeling a bit “stuck” in life right now and looking for some help in navigating through your challenges, here at the 7 ways I can help you as a life coach www.1on1withevan.com

The One Lie Running Your Entire Life

Seriously? 

Seriously. There’s been a story that has been running your entire life and you may not even know it.

Or, you may know it but have absolutely no idea how to get out of it. 

It’s not your fault. 

We’ve all been fed this story and it’s incredibly powerful. 

So I’m here to help you make this change, and if you can seriously take this one step out of lessons I’m going to teach you to heart…and commit to a different way of thinking, your entire world will change. 

Not joking. How do I know? It changed mine.

Here’s the BIG lie: there’s an island where it all turns out. 

Let me explain. 

Imagine you are in a rowboat heading towards this “island where it all turns out.” This island is the land of where all your dreams, hopes, aspirations, and goals come true…and when you get there…you will be happy. Because this is so compelling, you are rowing your butt off to get there. But there’s one major problem with all of this…

That island doesn’t exist. 

It’s a mirage. 

It’s the sexiest mirage you’ve ever seen and it will keep you rowing and rowing and rowing until your arms fall off because you think that’s where your happiness lives. 

Worse yet, it’s not just about the rowing that is bad, it’s what this type of attitude brings out in you. 

When you are living from this frame of mind, you end up seeing life as very linear, black and white, timeline-esque, future driven, progress driven…and when things don’t go “according to plan” or don’t show up as “how they should be” everything gets incredibly messy. 

It will bring out anxiety, fear, doubt, worry, and pretty much every other negative emotion in the book because you aren’t slowing down at all and constantly seeking a place you will never get to. 

AND THIS IS EXHAUSTING.

But most never get the opportunity to shift their perspective so they spend the rest of their lives rowing rowing rowing and even if they do achieve some of what they wanted for themselves, they realize that their happiness still doesn’t live in those things or places. 

Ever heard of mid-life crisis? 

Bingo.

So what is the shift that needs to take place?

Be an amoeba. 

A what?! Yes, an amoeba…you know those ever-shifting microscopic creatures that you probably studied in science class along the way? Ok I guess I’ll have to explain further.

When you start viewing your life as an ever-changing, shifting, and morphing entity you end up focusing more on growth. You see life as very colorful, an opportunity for learning, experiences, change and development. 

But here’s where it gets really good. 

This type of living brings out incredible things in you.

When you are focusing on what’s actually developing in your life, you jump off the timeline, you start living more in the present and focus on what’s actually here or what’s going on and you exit the future. 

When you exit the future and show up in the present moment, you are living in the only place where you can actually be – the present. You can’t exist anywhere else (we try sometimes). 

You show up right here and now and that’s when the magic starts to happen. 

If you can grasp this concept, and really slow down a bit to understand just how much you’ve been rowing in your boat, you will see incredible changes in your life.

You will connect with people more, connect with yourself, become more grounded, allow happiness to find you in the moment, and a slew of other fantastic things. 

There’s no telling what’s possible for you. 

So pull your oars out of the water and ask yourself right now, “What’s actually here? What’s really going on in my life? What do I have to be grateful for?”

Stop rowing. 

It will save you. 

Action Steps For Today

Intention: To build a deeper sense of presence and awareness of what’s actually here in this moment.

Practice: Never Ending List Of Gratitude

Starting today, for 5 minutes each day over the next few weeks, begin a never-ending list of gratitude. Write down in your journal all of the things you are grateful for and what you are happy about. No editing. No censoring. It’s completely fine if things repeat themselves. Come back to this practice every single morning. ​​​​​​​

PS. If you’re feeling a bit “stuck” in life right now and looking for some help in navigating through your challenges, here at the 7 ways I can help you as a life coach www.1on1withevan.com

You Can’t See The Picture When You’re In The Frame

“You can’t see the picture when you’re in the frame.” I’ll never forget the first time I heard that. It struck me because it’s so true. How can you see yourself…when you are yourself.⁠
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The blindspots will always be there. You’ll wander down paths that for one reason or another you think are good for you but then when you look back on it years down the road you’ll see where you went a bit off course. This is where you learn. Toss out all the judgement and look with eyes of wisdom.⁠
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What does all this tell me? ⁠
What can I pull from this? ⁠
How has this shaped me into something far wiser?⁠
How do I course correct from this place?⁠
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When you look at these things deeply, you’ll see them in a whole new light. That’s the gift. Perspective. Wisdom.⁠
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Here’s something I always want you to keep in mind: the journey isn’t a straight line. It’s not even a squiggly one. That would imply there’s a start and an end. Instead, it’s a constant unfolding. Think of a lotus flower that opens layer after layer after layer after layer. Unending…for infinite amounts of time.⁠
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There’s always more to learn. Sometimes the same lessons come back around with a slight variety and you learn them all over again in a far deeper way. Sometimes, you are going to be “tested” to make sure you maintain your resolve with something you promised long ago.⁠
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And here’s where faith comes in. Being able to trust in something greater than yourself – whatever it is that you believe in – grants you unbelievable amounts of strength. You can, and you always have been able to, handle whatever is thrown your way.⁠
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Forget understanding “why?!”‘ it all is happening. Instead, dig your heels into the ground and move forward with courage. No matter how far you may have wandered off your path, you can always come back to what your heart knows to be true. That’s always available to you.⁠
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All it takes is connecting with your breath…slowing down the mind…and returning to a far deeper and wiser version that has always known which way to go.⁠

Evan Sanders

You Are Not Deficient

You are not deficient.
You are not lacking.
You are not a piece or a part of a soul.
You are not a victim.
Let me repeat the last one – you are not a victim.⁠
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At one point in time you may have thought that, but not now. No longer.

You have what you need. You have more than enough. You are whole. You are healing, moving forward, and taking the lead role in how the rest of the story is written.⁠
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It’s easy to find yourself in the clutches of fear. If you let it settle in for too long, it will begin to crawl into all areas of your life.

One day you go outside and look at the garden and see that it has been completely overrun by weeds. That’s how fear works…it’s consuming.⁠
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Roll up your sleeves.⁠
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If the garden is a mess, it’s time to start pulling. There’s no mind trick that erases habitual patterns and choices. There’s no slogan that dissolves fear on contact.⁠
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There’s only awareness and choices.⁠
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You first have to be able to see what are you doing. You have to be aware of it.

You have to know whether or not it is helping you grow or holding you back. That’s half of the battle there.⁠
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Then, you need a new way. Imagine a way of showing up in the world that serves you. Now that you’ve imagined it, step into it. Do it. Try it out.⁠
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This is how your entire world changes. You have to be willing to take the chance of trying something new in order to grow into who you are meant to be. There’s no way around in.⁠
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The cycles will repeat themselves endlessly until you choose differently. This is where you have to realize that you have everything you need to be who you are meant to be. It’s staring at you right in the mirror.⁠
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You are the source.
You are the solution.
You’re it. ⁠

Evan Sanders

Another Way Up The Mountain

You might have to find another way up the mountain.

And that’s exactly where I’ve been at. Having spent so much time and effort climbing only to find that 2/3 the way up I’m going to have to find another route.

So instead of going back down and starting over immediately I took a long pause. I’d be lying if I told you everything was perfectly fine. Honestly, it’s been a bit demoralizing. I’ve wanted to quit. I felt like I had been set back so much farther with nothing to really show for it.

But that’s only a piece of it all.

It hasn’t been all bad. There’s been a lot of learning, reflecting, strategizing and planning out the next route to take. It’s helped me gain a lot of perspective on what happened and also where to go next.

I’ve also really started to see where the holes were in my original plan. Honestly, it’s a bit of a miracle it took me that far.

And yet, I still need to climb back down to start over.

But I haven’t quite yet.

I just hung out there for a while.

I think a lot of it had to do with not having the energy to make the descent. The route I originally started taking all those years ago took a lot out of me. I can’t even begin to describe that. There were effects and ripple effects that had some punishing consequences and I didn’t really understand just how precarious some of the climb really was.

But I do now. I’ve learned.

And I guess that’s what’s really worth it.

There are many ways you can climb a mountain. But equally so, there are many ways you can’t. What truly matters is having the courage to at least find out for yourself.

And for that, I’m proud.

Even though this path led to a dead end and I’m beaten up from taking it, there’s a deep level of acceptance for what has to happen next.

And there’s absolutely going to be a next.

I can’t stop doing this until I reach the place I know I’m meant to travel. There’s been countless days of frustration, confusion, anger, and everything else in between on this journey. But on the flip side of that, there’s been a relentless blind faith and belief that I can bring forward what I’ve seen as my greatest possibility.

I trust that.

And I know deep down that the first step must be taken in order to see it all the way through.

When I started all of this 10 years ago, I had absolutely no idea where it was going. I knew that documenting everything that I was learning and going through would yield something positive (which it really has). But there wasn’t a vision. There was only what was happening day to day.

But now the vision – through the greatest of struggles – has become crystal clear.

It’s never been about getting “somewhere.”

It’s always been about bringing forward something that was lost long ago.

That’s going to be a pretty difficult one to describe here until I actually do it. But for now, I can see it in my mind. I can feel it. It’s mine to create.

Years ago I asked the heavens to give me whatever I needed to grow and become who I was meant to be. That promise was delivered in ways that I never could have predicted. The doors were shown and the guidance was given.

The past dripped away.

New paths were offered.

And all I have to do is the thing that’s been my greatest challenge throughout all of this – trust.

I can.

I must.

Evan Sanders

Life’s Hard Enough, Don’t Make It Worse

There’s these surprising little nuggets of wisdom that you pick up along the way. This has been one that’s really helped me get through tough times. It came from one of my teachers who studied with monks for over a decade. He obviously learned and passed on many many more things…but this one particularly stuck with me.⁠
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“Life’s hard enough. Don’t make it worse.”⁠
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The challenges are going to come. There’s no arguing that. But when they do, there exists a choice of what to do with them.⁠
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You can fundamentally make things better, or worse. If you meet those challenges with fear, doubt, worry, judgement, anxiety, criticism etc…it’s going to make it worse. Sometimes a whole lot worse. Now you’re not just in the hole you fell into but you’re digging yourself deeper. It takes even more work to climb out.⁠
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But if you do happen to fall into a hole, understand that these things happen. Sometimes they happen no matter how much you tried to prevent it from taking place. Since you’re there, understanding that it is indeed, just a pit, and that you have what you need to get out of it.⁠
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Meet it with understanding, love, skill, strategy, compassion, courage and all of the great qualities about you.⁠
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When you do, you’ll see that very same pit from a completely different angle. You’ll use what you’ll have and find your way out of a difficult situation.⁠
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And if you’ve found yourself with not the best mental attitude about things, that’s okay. Don’t judge yourself from that either (remember – don’t make it worse). Just recognize that’s where you’ve been and make the shift to something more productive.⁠
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Be gentle with yourself. That’s how you get through.

Evan Sanders

We All Wander

It has to go both ways. Relationships should be relationships…not transactions.⁠
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So if all they are doing is taking, taking, taking…it’s time to communicate. Speak up. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what you think needs to be done in order to grow the relationship. Give them the chance to make some changes.⁠
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And if they don’t, it’s time for them to go.⁠
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Strong healthy boundaries are about communicating from a place of wisdom and establishing lines in the sand that protect everyone. Most of all, you have to make sure you are looking after yourself. If you aren’t your biggest advocate, who will be?⁠
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This is about honoring and respecting who you are. It’s not about holding anger, resentment, grudges or bitterness. It’s about making sure that the environment you’re in is a healthy place for you to expand and unfold.⁠
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Relationships are beautiful. Having people in your life who bring in joy, love you like crazy and can support you when you’ve fallen is one of the best gifts of all.⁠
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But you have to cultivate that. That garden doesn’t just show up randomly and grow itself. It’s created intentionally. It’s nurtured with purpose.⁠
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Look after yourself. Make sure you’re surrounded with people who bring out the best in you. Continue to cultivate those relationships day in and day out and watch your life bloom.⁠
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That’s what it’s all about.⁠

Evan Sanders

What’s Coming Will Come

Sometimes there are lines from movies or books that really stick with you. They resonate on a level that’s hard to understand but always seem to come right when you need them the most.⁠
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One for me has always been a line from Hagrid in The Goblet of Fire. He says to Harry, “No good sittin’ worryin’ abou’ it. What’s comin’ will come, an’ we’ll meet it when it does.”⁠
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It’s easy to get in your head about things. ⁠
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Fear has a way of gripping the soul. You sit there worrying and catastrophizing…thinking about all of the ways things could or might go wrong.⁠
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That energy feeds upon itself and can soon paralyze you completely if you allow it to. ⁠
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And yet, once you come back to what’s actually here and begin to clear your mind, you see that you’re only “here” and all of the things you were thinking about don’t actually exist. ⁠
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False Evidence Appearing Real.⁠
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From that space, making decisions and allowing for courage to shine through are infinitely easier. The deepest wisest version of you comes out to run the show and you make the decisions that are right for you.⁠
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You’re going to get through this. ⁠
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Maybe you’re right at the beginning of something or have been navigating through it for quite some time. Nonetheless, you’ll find your way. ⁠
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You’ve done that time and time again in your life. No matter how bad things were you found your way. There were probably times during that process that you thought there was absolutely no chance of making it out. ⁠
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I know I’ve been there. But every time you find yourself sitting in the dark, take a moment to recognize that you are the light. ⁠
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You’re the one finding your way through all of this. What’s coming will come. You’ll know what to do when it does. ⁠
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You always have. You always will.⁠

Evan Sanders