Ken Wheaton's Blog, page 16

Play the Hot New CNN Game Show: Is It Preposterous to Think…

Is it preposterous to think Flight 370 is in the old LIRR tunnel in downtown Brooklyn?

Could a black hole have taken down Malaysian Airlines Flight 370? Is it preposterous to think that?

This was a question posed on CNN last night. As you may know, when the network is not taking 90-second breaks for commercials or 30-second breaks for lighter fare such as possible World War being sparked in Crimea, it’s been providing nonstop breaking news coverage of the disappearance of Flight 370. This is ha...

96 Miles and What Do You Get?

I’ve just completed a February running streak. For the uninitiated, a streak in this case is not running naked across a football field, but rather running at least a mile every day.

Days in February: 28

Days run in February: 28

Miles run in February: 96

Pounds lost in February: 0

That’s right. Average over 20 miles a week and lost no weight.

Now, I can pretend that it was muscle added. I was working out with weights twice a week.

But we all know the real culprits.

This:

And this:

That is called sal...

That One Crazy on the Train

If you’ve taken the 4 or 5 or 6 train out of Grand Central regularly over the last 10 years, you’ve run into her at some point. The short, mid-30s white woman who comes aboard and starts with the sob story about needing money for her and her children because:

Her husband the soldier died in Iraq.
Her husband the soldier died in Afghanistan.
Her husband the first-responder died in Sandy.
Their house burnt down and her husband died in the fire.

Last night, her story had changed to her ex-husband was...

The Anal-Retentive, Narcissistic Pretty Boy

After this morning’s workout, I get down to the locker room and see a guy putting his clothes on right next to my locker. At this point, he’s got shirt and pants on and takes a moment to walk to the closest mirror to observe himself putting on his belt.

So I head straight for the shower, figuring he’ll be done by the time I’ve toweled off.

No such luck. Ten minutes later — I took my time — he’s still dicking around at his locker. Puts his tie on, goes to the mirror, ties it, makes sure it’s jus...

If You Were a Ski Jumper…

If the Salt Lake City jump looked this scary, just imagine…

What we know about Sochi is that despite promises to the contrary, the city is laughably unprepared for the Winter Olympics. If you haven’t already, check out the story about journalists arriving at their hotels to find simple things missing — like shower curtains, floors and water that won’t eat your face. Also missing: rooms, beds, stall walls in public restrooms and manhole covers.

Of course, the official line is, “Nothing to see he...

Video: Ken on the Katie Couric Show

I posted this everywhere else. I might as well post it here. Last week, I appeared on the Katie Couric show to talk about Super Bowl ads. Yes, that was my SECOND appearance on the Katie show.

Little Something to Read on a Louisiana Snow Day

Since it’s snowing (kind of) in South Louisiana, I thought I’d offer a little taste of something that’s dropping in July.

(And, no, there aren’t ‘free copies’ floating around, so don’t ask.)

* * *

“Yall get out here,” Daddy shouted from the front door, freezing us all in mid action, stopping our very thoughts. “C’mon. Yall missing the snow.”

With that, we tried to get all six of our bodies through the bedroom door at once and stormed out onto the porch, where we stopped short. Breathing heavily i...

The Things We Stash

We’re moving to a new office space next month. So that means cleaning out 13 years worth of desk junk.

Things found in my desk:

A number of 3.5-inch floppy disks (at least one dating back to college)
Sports Illustrated that came out right after Saints won the Super Bowl
three or four newspapers printed right after Katrina
a Ray Nagin in Your Pocket key-chain
a Ka-Bar knife
two rolls of toilet paper
complete set of Burger-King-issued toys from The Simpsons Movie (still in their individual bags);
bacon...

What the Weather Channel Sounds Like…

…after insisting on naming yet another winter storm

Very Similar Phrases Can Produce Extremely Different Results

Try this one at home or at work.

1. “Calm down.”

2. “Just calm down.”

3. “Just calm down, already.”