Ken Wheaton's Blog, page 18

The Royal Baby Is Here!

Are you a U.S. citizen? Does the phrase “Royal Baby” send shivers of excitement down our spine? What is wrong with you?

Proposal:

All Americans who show excessive interest in the birth of a royal baby shall be tarred, feathered and marched to the town commons and placed in the stocks. There they will be pelted with apple pie and hot-dogs while a down-on-her-luck pop diva mangles the Star Spangled Banner for three hours straight.

Fight Cancer and Dress Your Nekkid Dog

Is your dog naked? Running around the house with all its naughty bits on display like some heathen? Well, we can change that.

Would you like your dog to look smart in a tuxedo, sexy in a swanky dress or spirited in your favorite team’s colors? Then you’re in luck.

As part of my fundraising efforts for Team in Training, I’m raffling off two (2) customized dog outfits from . You can get a sampling of the goods here. Of course, if you’re the lucky winner, you can simply pick one of those dre...

The Barrage of Brisket Tour: 2013

When I told folks that my son Nick and I were going to Texas to eat barbecue and nothing but barbecue, they thought I was joking. Some of them even went so far as to offer suggestions for non-barbecue food–like seafood and duck enchiladas (whatever those might be).

I was not joking. In fact, between pulling into Lockhart on a Tuesday afternoon Thursday at 1 p.m., we ate nothing but brisket and ribs, half a sausage, one piece of barbecue turkey and candy. Thursday at 1 p.m, we had tacos. Thursd...

Something Interesting Actually Happens in Baseball

Maybe baseball should require more animals on the field.

Manly-Man Stuff

I swapped out the pivot rod on the bathroom-sink stopper assembly last night. That’s the technical name of the … well, you know when you pull the knob to close the stopper? That goes down behind the sink and hooks up to another thingie that goes into the drain pipe and actually makes the stopper go up and down. The thingie that goes into the pipe.

I’m always quite proud of myself when I do such things. Past projects included replacing the entire float assembly in the toilet, replacing a light...

Brooklyn Half Marathon 2013: How It Went

Where’s Ken? Do you see him yet?

Brooklyn Half Marathon. Official Time: 1:49:43

After the race yesterday, a friend suggested a conspiracy theory that I’m inclined to believe: New York Road Runners subcontracted the Brooklyn Half to someone else.

Because just about everything about it was run smoothly. Huge expo/pre-party (with volunteers instructing Manhattanites how to get from the subway to the venue). Incredibly organized corrals (with port-a-johns inside the corral so no massive lines). Hell...

If You’re Only Going to Read One War Book…

Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk is the sort of book that makes another writer despair. How did Ben Fountain pull this off, that talented bastard? I’m practically sick with jealousy — and depressed that the book is over. Which is saying something considering the subject matter.

The books follows Billy Lynn and the fellow members of Bravo squad, back in the states on a “Victory Tour” after Fox News broadcast their battle with Al-Qaeda forces in Iraq. Billy Lynn and his fellow infantrymen or on t...

The Soundtrack to My Novel-Writing? Funny You Should Ask

Riffraf asked me to write a little something for their Writers and Music series, in which writers discuss the music included in their work or the music that influenced their work.

You’ve got a picture in your mind, I’m sure. The writer enters his special writing place and, before settling in front of the computer or typewriter, he fires up the iPod or turntable. Music fills the room—or his ears. A scratchy jazz record. Sweeping classical. Maybe some down-with-the-system rock or fuck-the-police...

How to Go to a Book Reading

The crowd the last time

Ahead of my April 20 reading in Lafayette, Louisiana, I thought I’d offer some ground rules for attending one of these things. After all, not everyone’s been to one. And I’m hoping since Bacon and Egg Man is my second book, I’ll get all those people from the first one and then some.

Turns out, someone has already written such a guide. Me. A few years back. So, in an effort to protect the environment, allow me to recycle.

Please, note, Louisiana people: LAST TIME I HELD A...

Inspiration, Coincidence and Great Minds Thinking Alike

I see bacon in your future.

When Gary Shteyngart’s Super Sad True Love Story came out in 2011, I was livid. And, yes, it was all based on petty envy and outrage at the publishing industry. At this point, I’d already written Bacon and Egg Man and had tried to interest a number of agents, none of whom were interested. It would be a hard sell, not quite in any genre.

Then this guy comes out with a dystopian novel set in a future New York and gets about six million glowing reviews and awards and t...