Ken Wheaton's Blog, page 19

Slumber Variations: An Analysis of Sleeping Postures Attempted After a 4 a.m. Trip to the Bathroom

Introducing Mrs. Sandman.

1. No.

2. What? No.

3. Maybe this one will — No.

4. Really? No.

5. Nope.

6. Ain’t happening.

7. Let me just. No.

8. Wait… wait… wai… No.

9. If I just … Nope.

10. In the immortal words of Si Robertson: “Nnnnah.”

Notes:

1. Subject complained of heartburn AND heartbreak from spectacularly shitty barbecue from a Brooklyn restaurant.

2. Despite substantial amount of Bed Poodles, subject seemed unaffected by their presence.

3. Subject also complained of thirst, but too lazy to go get wa...

Mighty Quinn’s Barbecue — It’ll Do Pig

The first thing to say before talking about Mighty Quinn’s is it’s nice that New York has become a city in which there are barbecue options to nitpick to death.

There are some good things about this barbecue joint on Second Ave. and Sixth Street. And if you live or work in the area, it’s probably going to become a favorite of yours. But for folks who “travel” from other parts of the City to get their cue, I’m still going to recommend Hill Country as the go-to-place in the city.

Full disclosur...

Sleepy Hollow Half Marathon: 1,279 Feet

The Sleepy Hollow Half Marathon was one of the most beautiful courses I’ve run. It was also perhaps the most miserable, pain-in-the-ass races, full of “Are You Fucking Kidding Me With This?” moments I’ve ever run.

On one hand, the first five miles are run through beautiful trails, through the woods, over old rail-road bridges, along the Hudson River.

On the other hand: 1,279 feet of elevation.

Not that you’d know that from the race’s website. Bounce around there a bit and you’ll see no elevation...

The Truth About the Business of Literature

Not a week doesn’t go by without someone mewling about independent book stores or the “plight” of the book as if some great dark age is upon us. This sort of thing drives me crazy, because it’s completely divorced from, you know, reality. There are more books available now than ever. More fiction than ever. More nonfiction than ever. More people making more money doing it than ever.

Well, except for some of those independent book stores. Two things. 1: It’s a business. And if you need to rely...

The Quest for ‘Cajun’ in New York: Delta Grill

After a trip to the MoMA and with Cara in need of a shrimp-poboy fix, we went to the Delta Grill in Manhattan. I’d been there before and wasn’t immediately offended. Cara had been there before and found the poboys passable.

The good news: They are passable. The shrimp are a little small and mushy, but they get the overall thing right. French bread, plenty of fried shrimp, lettuce, tomato, mayo (and pickles). If you’re from Louisiana and might snap and neck-stab someone and it’s months before t...

Bacon and Eggs and FILTH!

Well, isn’t that special?

When my first novel came out, I caught a lot of flack for the cursing in it. “Too much cursing. Made Baby Jesus cry,” people said.

Look, I curse a lot. And many of the people I hang out with do, too. But the thing is “The First Annual Grand Prairie Rabbit Festival” was about a priest. And while I’ve known priests who curse and while it DID say something about his character, maybe they were right. Did I really need all the cursing?

So when I started “Bacon and Egg Man,”...

This is what a 20-ounce Gatorade looks like

See that? That’s what a 20-ounce bottle of Gatorade looks like. I ran six miles this morning. After my run — after burning 600 to 700 calories — I was thirsty and had a couple of bucks on me. I wanted to replenish my electrolytes. I wanted a Gatorade. I walked into a deli and bought a Gatorade.

WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN ILLEGAL TODAY IF MICHAEL BLOOMBERG HAD HIS WAY.

Think about that for a second. Think about how stupid that is. (And NYC runners, think about being in the middle of a long run on a h...

Excerpt: How About a Taste of Bacon and Egg Man?

I’ve been badgering you all to rush out and buy a copy of Bacon and Egg Man. More accurately, I’ve been pushing you to rush to your computer or Nook or Kindle to grab a copy because it’s not in actual stores yet.

But maybe you’d like to sample the goods, right? So here’s Chapter 2. I’m not going to bother you with too much set-up other than to say it’s set 50 years in the future and while he no longer walks the earth, the legacy of Mike Bloomberg quickly becomes clear. And our hero Wes Montgom...

Kids and Their Marshmallow Treats

We switched dog-food brands this week. By which I mean we bought a new type of food for the dogs, not that Cara and I eat dog food and switched.

The new brand came highly recommended by the super helpful woman at the store (you know the type, she wouldn’t stop recommending things ten minutes after I’d made up my mind). She said her own dog loved it. It had freeze dried bits of RAW food. That sounded like something a dog would eat. (That and chicken, chocolate, pretzels, corn chips, cheese, pea...

Are You a Common Street Bum?

You wouldn’t walk up to a complete stranger and ask them for a Chicken McNugget. You likely wouldn’t walk up to a coworker and say give me a dollar.

But how many of you feel almost no compunction about walking up to friends and strangers alike and letting the following words slip out of your mouth: “Can I bum a cigarette?”

Shame on you.

And no, I’m not shaming you for smoking. If you want to kill yourself to look cool–and yes, let’s all agree that it looks cool–by all means. But pay your damn fr...