David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 261

My Cat Won’t Read My Book

It’s important to authors that their loved ones support their work. That’s why it is with great sadness that I must inform everyone that my cat (Queen Tiy) completely refuses to read my novel in story form: Bones Buried in the Dirt.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve begged my cat. I’ve read her passages from the book. I’ve even coated it in catnip. Still, no matter what I try, she won’t read my book.

I’ll just have to rely on you all, since I can’t apparently count on support for Bones Buried in the Dirt from my cat. You can buy the book on Amazon, at Tattered Cover in Denver, or at The Bookworm in Omaha in person.

Wrapping Up Dead Shark Week

I have to say, I hadn’t thought about doing a dead shark week here on the blog when I first started posting about dead sharks. However, first there was one post. Then there was another. It just kind of grew from there.

Dead Shark Week:

Day 1 If The Dead Shark Paid His Fare Then I Don’t Understand Why They Kicked Him Off The Subway

Day 2 Red Bull Is Totally Missing An Ad Opportunity With The Subway Dead Shark

Day 3 Secret Origins Of The NYC Subway Shark

Day 4 An Australian Is Even Weirder Than The NYC Dead Subway Shark

Day 5 Floridians Lay Claim To Having Thought Of Dead Sharks On Trains First

Day 6 Discovery Channel Ticked About Dead NYC Subway Shark

Day 7 Wrapping Up Dead Shark Week (Note: there isn’t a link here because you’re looking at this post right now.)

Was this a good idea? I don’t know, but I certainly didn’t set out to do this. The world presented me with opportunities that were too good to pass up and I went with it (deciding to belatedly call it dead shark week in order to squeeze one more post out of all this). I just wish this had come closer in time to that shark left at a bar in Nantucket. That would have saved me from having to come up with at least one post.

Discovery Channel Ticked About Dead NYC Subway Shark

Yeah, so apparently the Discovery Channel is ticked off about the dead shark on the NYC subway. Some of this I can kind of understand, but some of this is just ridiculous. At least, that’s how I see things.

I can understand them getting upset with people suggesting that this was in any way a promotional gimmick for Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. The idea that they would do that is completely absurd. I think anyone who suggested that was joking. If they weren’t joking then I just don’t think they were thinking clearly. No normal TV network would do something like that.

After all, sharks are cool. They are highly interesting and largely misunderstood, coming in all kinds of different varieties that live in all kinds of different ways. Shark Week is all about celebrating that biological diversity and becoming more aware of what sharks really are.

However, Discovery executive vice president of PR Laurie Goldberg’s comment about being sad that people thought the NYC dead subway shark was funny I just can’t get behind. For one thing, I thought it was funny. After all, this shark washed up on a beach. It isn’t like anyone killed it in order to plop it on a subway with a smoke, a red bull, and a fare card. Saddened that people suggested it had anything to do with Shark week? Yes. Saddened that people got a laugh? No, that isn’t reasonable.

Anyone who really thought that this had anything really to do with Shark week probably needs to start thinking things through a little more. Anyone who thinks we can’t laugh about a shark (who was not the victim of human violence) with a red bull and a cigarette on a subway might want to think about getting a better sense of humor.

Just my opinion.

Floridians Lay Claim To Having Thought Of Dead Sharks On Trains First

I thought it was weird enough when I heard about the dead shark on the NYC train. Some people thought it funny, and some people got kind of mad. Apparently, at least one person from Miami got mad too, though not for the reason you think. This person got their knickers in a twist because Miami apparently did this first:

Just check out this article I found. Apparently, the writer got miffed when people kept saying that a dead shark on a train was something that could only happen in New York. He was quick to point out that this very same thing had happened in Miami about four years ago. That’s right, Miami was the ‘dead shark on a train’ pioneer.

Personally, I wouldn’t think this was the sort of thing that one would be in a particular race to claim. Besides the fact, everyone knows that Miami is a strange, strange place. There is no need to prove this to anyone.

In any event, this surprised me a little. I just thought I’d bring it to everyone’s attention. I wouldn’t want anyone getting the mistaken impression that NYC was first in dead sharks on trains.

An Australian Is Even Weirder Than The NYC Dead Subway Shark

I realize that this is the fifth day in a row that I’ve talked about dead sharks, but I think it’s understandable that I keep harping on this since the world keeps bringing dead sharks to my attention. Even weirder than the dead shark on the NYC subway with a can of red bull, a cigarette, and a fare card is this Australian man:

As I understand from this article, an Australian fisherman was gutting a tiger shark when he got a bright idea. He climbed inside, stuck his arm out the gills, and acted like he was stabbing the shark in the head.

You thought the NYC subway thing was weird? At least those people were just messing around with a shark that washed up dead on a beach. This guy was involved in killing this shark (which I guess was part of his job as a fisherman) and then decided to climb inside for a photo opportunity.

Let me just say this, if you are ever standing next to a disemboweled shark and your first instinct is to climb up inside, then I think you need to seek professional help.

The world is getting really weird right now, particularly with respect to dead sharks. The NYC subway thing was odd enough. This is just plain freaky, not to mention kind of gross.

Secret Origins Of The NYC Subway Shark

I know I talked about the dead NYC subway shark yesterday and the day before, but I’m going to talk about him again today because I’ve discovered the secret origins of the NYC subway shark. It all involves a good fairy and a little shark with a heart of gold:

You see, the little shark dreamed all his life of becoming a real boy and moving to NYC to break into the big publishing world as a writer. One day, the good fairy visited him and turned him into a human so he could pursue his dream. The gift came with a warning, don’t listen to the Backstreet Boys. And so, the little shark turned into a human and got a staff writer position at The New Yorker.

Unfortunately, one day on the subway while the shark was sitting there enjoying a Red Bull with an unlit cigarette dangling writerly from his mouth and his fare card in his hand, some jerk was playing the Backstreet Boys so loud on an iPod that the little shark couldn’t help but overhear. Immediately, he turned back into a shark. Of course, he died at that point because he wasn’t in water. The end.

Well…okay, maybe that isn’t exactly how it happened.

Actually, according to this article, the shark had washed up dead on a beach in Coney Island earlier that day. People were interested in the shark and started messing around with it, taking pictures. Eventually, the dead shark was taken by Chris Landros. He thought he’d take it home since it was such a good specimen, but ended up leaving it on the subway so other people could enjoy it.

Anyway, that’s the actyal origins of the NYC subway shark. However, I still like my version better.

Red Bull Is Totally Missing An Ad Opportunity With The Subway Dead Shark

I know I just talked about the dead shark found on the NYC subway yesterday, but I think there is more here. For one thing, I think Red Bull is totally missing out by not using this dead shark as an advertising opportunity.

Shouldn’t they use this shark in a commercial? After all, it’s dead and the Red Bull is right there. I think we can all see where this is going.

Are you dead after a long day? Feel like a fish out of water? Try a Red Bull! [Red Bull beside the dead shark knocks over and spills on him. The dead shark comes back to life and starts to fly.] Red Bull gives you wings! Even if you’re dead!

It’d be a perfect Red Bull ad and it’d key into all the media attention surrounding the NYC subway dead shark. The ad basically writes itself. I just can’t understand why Red Bull hasn’t already gone for this. Then again, maybe they have. I don’t exactly watch much TV to know for sure.

If The Dead Shark Paid His Fare Then I Don’t Understand Why They Kicked Him Off The Subway

This seems to be kind of a weird shark week this year. After all, it was only a couple of days ago that I posted about someone leaving a shark behind at a bar, and now a dead shark was removed from the NYC subway. However, I can’t understand why the shark was removed. After all, it had a fare card.

Just take a look:

See? The dead shark has a red bull, a cigarette, and a fare card. However, when the conductor found the shark, he closed the train and took it to the end of the line where a supervisor put the shark in a garbage bag and threw it away.

And that is what I don’t understand. If the dead shark had a fare card, why did they kick it off the train? Is the NYC transit authority prejudiced against dead sharks? I don’t remember seeing anything about dead sharks not being allowed to ride the subway. If they are going to have a ‘no dead shark’ policy, perhaps they need to say something about it before the dead shark buys his fare card.

In any event, all dead shark discrimination aside, this is turning out to be one of the weirder shark weeks I can remember. Usually they just stay on the TV.

Jared Williams: The Simpsons Already Did That

After seeing this article, I have only one thing to say to Jared Williams. I’m sorry, dude, but The Simpsons already did that.

As you’ll see if you read the article, Jared Williams is in a bit of trouble in Utah for running an illegal bar out of his garage for years. This was apparently a pretty big operation, since the article reports that police seized “106 bottles of liquor, 77 cans of beer, a Jagermeister shot machine, nearly $750 in cash[,] and a cash register.”

I’m guessing this was all a fight over the fact that Utah’s liquor laws won’t let people have a bar near where Williams lives (due to its residential nature) and Williams wanted a bar closer to home. That was apparently fine for years, until he sold liquor to undercover officers. The article talks a lot about how much public outcry there has been, but I’m wondering about that given the fact that this bar operated for years.

Regardless, I just want to remind Jared Williams about “Homer the Moe,” episode 3 of season 13 of The Simpsons. In that episode, Moe decides to class up his bar after a visit back to his old bar tending school. This drives Homer and his friends away, so Homer opens his own bar in his garage.

Let’s have a quote:

Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep!

Marge: I thought this was gonna be your bar.

Homer: It’s a family bar, right, kids? [scene shows Bart and Lisa washing glasses and cutting up lemons]

Lisa: Can we go to bed now?

Homer: As soon as you finish cutting up those lemons.

Lisa: But you’re not even using them.

Homer: [in mock baby-talk] She’s so sweepy, she doesn’t even know what she’s saying.

Carl and Lenny: Aww.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got to say to Jared Williams. The Simpsons homage is cool and all, but I’m not sure it was worth him getting arrested.

10 Untrue Things About The Sale Of The Washington Post To Jeff Bezos

I’m sure you’ve already heard, but The Washington Post is going to be sold to Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon.com (note, the sale is to him and not Amazon). As you can imagine, some people are a bit alarmed at this news. However, since I can’t do anything about this, and don’t read The Washington Post anyway, I thought we’d try to make everyone feel better and come up with 10 untrue things (I hope) about the sale:

- Journalists will sign contracts specifying that the news they report cannot appear in other news outlets.

- If you buy at least $25 worth of news, you can get free economy rate shipping.

- Amazon.com will now use old sheets of The Washington Post to pack books and other ordered items instead of those little disposable air pillows.

- Readers will be able to rate individual articles and such ratings will determine the order in which news is presented to other readers.

- The Washington Post Prime members will be allowed to read news before it occurs.

- When you read The Washington Post, a new little display bar at the bottom of the page will show you other articles that other readers of your current article read.

- Bezos promises to make The Washington Post turn a profit at least as much as Amazon.com.

- Copies of The Washington Post will now include items other than news such as shoes, shampoo, and electronic Martian detectors.

- George Takei will comment on each and every news item.

- Bezos announced plans to make people hate The Washington Post as much as they hate Amazon.com (even though they still use it).

Well, there we have it. 10 untrue things (I hope) about the sale of The Washington Post to Jeff Bezos. If we can’t do anything, we might as well try to have a laugh.