David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 259

My Newly Realized Scandinavian Origins Don’t Improve My Views On IKEA

I’d always been told that my background was Scotch, English, Irish, German, and Bohemian. However, I did one of those DNA ancestry things to see if there might be anything else lurking and I discovered that these were only the most recent countries that my family came from. The big surprise turned out that my background is 83% Scandinavian…something that hadn’t ever even been mentioned in my family. Of course, I wondered if this would change my outlook on IKEA.

Personally, I’ve just never been thrilled by IKEA. I never saw what the big deal was. The furniture is all right, but nothing to get excited about. I certainly wouldn’t get excited about the food in their cafeteria.

However, would this view change by my newly discovered Scandinavian heritage? Would I suddenly view things differently, perhaps finding a new found love for IKEA?

Nope. My wife drug me to IKEA over this labor day weekend and I can report that I was just as bored as I always was. It’s furniture, nothing more. I looked at stuff like I usually do, but no genetic memories rose up to greet me. It was still just a warehouse full of stuff, tastefully arranged as it was. The cafeteria still grossed me out a bit. Nothing had changed.

So, what does it all mean? Am I missing some sort of Scandinavian gene that would enable me to get excited about IKEA? Maybe so, or maybe IKEA is just a scam that is run on the non-Scandinavian peoples of the world. I wouldn’t rule anything out at this point.

Unpleasant Smoke Detector Discoveries

I made a few unpleasant discoveries about the smoke detectors in my house this morning. This is above and beyond the discovery I made a while ago that my smoke detectors like to go off when my wife makes pizza. These were all new, and I thought I’d share in case anyone could get a laugh out of these.

- First, it tends to cause panic when your smoke detectors play a recorded voice message that their batteries are low. Particularly early on a holiday morning, about an hour or so before you intended to get up. Particularly when you didn’t know that your smoke detectors could talk. You may panic. Your cats may panic. Your wife may panic, screaming: “I think someone is in the hall!”

- Second, I was surprised to find out that my smoke detectors are hardwired. They have batteries, but they are apparently also wired straight into the house. I found this out when trying to silence them while my wife was still trying to sleep. They kept shouting that their batteries were low and I went to take the batteries out. They kept shouting even after that. That’s when I took them down and found out that I had to disconnect wiring as well (not a hard thing since it was via a detachable connector, but still).

- Third, I was surprised to find out just how many smoke detectors I had. I was aware of three. However, when they kept talking after I’d taken out those two, I found two others. There’s a master one in the upstairs hallway, one in my bedroom, another in the spare room, one above the stairs just before the living room, and one above the lower end of the basement stairs. Mind you, my place is just under 1000 finished square feet. Two of these smoke detectors are about five feet apart, though separated by a closeable door.

- Fourth, I was surprised to find out that I didn’t have any nine volt batteries. Well, this one wasn’t that much of a surprise. I didn’t really expect I had any, and they probably would have been too old if I’d had any lying around and would have had to buy new ones anyway, but I also didn’t expect Target to only carry four packs. Only. Remember, I have five smoke detectors. Gotta change all at once. I also didn’t expect a four pack of nine volts to be $13.

- Fifth, I was surprised to find out that the master smoke detector in my house doesn’t stop you from putting the battery in backward. The non-master ones all do, but it’s all the same to the master whether you put it in correctly or not. No special formation to the contacts like nine volt devices usually have. Well, I suppose it isn’t exactly the same to the master if you put the battery in wrong. It will start up with the screaming about the low battery again, leaving you to curse loudly since you just changed it until you realize the battery is just in wrong.

- Sixth: There is no sixth. At least, I can’t think of anything else. I’ll just end this here and hope you all have more fun with this than I had with my smoke detectors today. I seriously considered taking them all outside and setting them on fire on my grill.

Further Problems With The IKEA Catalog

I recently talked about the odd yet visually appealing kitchen on the front of the IKEA catalog I was sent. However, the design of the kitchen wasn’t my only problem with the catalog, not even just on the cover. Today we’ll move on to the slogan emblazoned thereupon:

You see it right there. “The prices in this catalog can only get lower until June 2014, never higher.”

You will note, it does not say that the prices in the catalog can only get lower than currently listed and cannot go higher than currently listed. Instead, it says that they can only go down. Not up.

That mean anyone who buys before June 2014 is a fool. Something could be discounted 20% by Christmas, but “can only get lower…never higher” means it can’t go up above that 20% discount until June 2014 once that 20% discount is in place. If you wait until just before June 2014, there is always the possibility that the discount could deepen…and there is no penalty for waiting since price increases of any kind are apparently verboten.

Now, I’m sure this isn’t what they mean. However, this is what the slogan says. Granted, I’m not buying anything from IKEA if I can help it anyway. Still, that doesn’t stop me from picking on the slogans of the catalog. I have little other use for the thing.

I Worry About The Wrong Scientific Implications

I always focus on the wrong implications of scientific breakthroughs. For example, take the recent scientists who figured out how to control the hand of a subject. Most people I heard from immediately wondered about the 1984 type slavery potential of this. After all, this is mind control. However, I had a different thought.

Think about it, one person can control the hand of another person. The subject cannot resist, comparing the action to an involuntary tic. How long until we see this:

Subject: [Gets smacked] Owwww!

Controller: Stop smacking yourself!

Subject: [Gets smacked again] Owwww!

Controller: Stop smacking yourself!

Is this a legitimate concern? It this something that I should really be thinking about in response to this breakthrough as opposed to all of the other things that more reasonable people though about?

I don’t know. All I know is this is the first thing that popped into my head when I heard about all of this. I’m sure the implications of this discovery are far more reaching than making people smack themselves, but perhaps we do at least need to consider that aspect as well. It is certainly one application.

Go Full Auto Or Go Home In The Bathroom

I was in a public restroom the other day and I again reflected how it only makes sense to either go full auto or go home. Of course, I’m talking about motion detectors.

I had no problems when bathrooms didn’t have motion detectors. I can turn on a sink by myself. I realize there is a chance someone with unclean hands has touched a faucet handle, but I think my hands are probably pretty clean if I wash them well even if I touch a handle someone else has touched afterward. I am not a person who touches everything in a bathroom with a paper towel after washing my hands. I might be wrong, but that just seems excessive caution.

But, the whole idea of motion detectors on water faucets in public bathrooms is that no one has to touch the handles anymore. Thus, no transfer of germs.

However, that doesn’t work if the sink is on a motion detector but the soap dispenser is not. Or the reverse. Or the toilet. Or the paper towel dispenser. I’ve seen various public restrooms where one or more of these are on motion detectors and one or more are not. This seems to be pointless to me.

Frankly, it just seems like either all of these things should be on motion detectors or none of them should be. Why spend all the money on a motion detector for the sink if someone still has to touch the soap dispenser? Or, why make the soap dispenser automatic if you still have to turn on the sink? This is to say nothing of the toilet. If you have to touch any of those things, you still have the possibility to transfer germs. Skimping out on one of them means you just wasted the money for the motion detectors on the others.

As I said, I’d be fine in a bathroom with no motion detectors. I’d also be fine in a bathroom where everything was controlled by motion detectors. Anything in between that, though, just seems like a waste of money.

I’m Not Watching The Miley Cyrus VMA Video

I might very well be the only American at this point who has not seen the recent performance by Miley Cyrus at the VMAs. Further, I have no intention of watching it. I stand firm on this point.

My wife keeps trying to convince me that I need to see it. She thinks it is hysterical. I believe the phrase “train wreck” entered into her description. For some reason, that failed to convince me. I steadfastly maintained my position that I had no reason on earth to watch this video.

Mind you, I have no real opinion on the video. It sounded pretty odd, but odd for normal life and odd for a modern pop music performance are two entirely different things. I’m not bashing Miley Cyrus for this. I’m not saying it was too provocative. Given what I’ve seen other performers do, I honestly don’t expect it is really that much different.

No, the reason that I haven’t (and won’t) watch the video is that I just don’t care. I don’t care about Miley Cyrus. I don’t care about the VMAs. I don’t care about anything involved in the situation. I just don’t care.

Thus, feel free to say anything you want about the performance. I probably won’t get involved. However, don’t ask me to watch the video. I just don’t want to.

Shannon and Dave’s Wedding Website

I already have a wife. Now I have a wedding website. I’m kind of busy today, so I’ll just leave you all to contemplate that.

Shannon and Dave’s Wedding Website

Roger Bucklesby Is The Coolest Guy Ever

Roger Bucklesby is officially the coolest guy ever.

I don’t care if this plaque is real or is just photoshopped. I just don’t care. It doesn’t matter if it’s real or not, or what the story is. Roger Bucklesby is just the coolest guy ever.

That is all.

Visually Appealing IKEA Kitchen Is Odd

I was taking a look at the cover of the IKEA catalog that arrived recently and I noticed that the kitchen on the cover seemed a bit odd. I know they were going for a visually appealing kitchen as opposed to a functional one, but it still seems odd to me. Take a look:

You might not notice anything at first, but just take a look at those jars. Who the heck needs six large jars of lemons in the kitchen? I don’t know about you, but I only keep stuff out in the kitchen that I need frequently. Those jars go well color and repetition-wise, but that’d be an odd thing to have within easy reach in your kitchen. Certainly that many.

Look at all those apples, and whatever the heck is to the right of the apples. Those are fresh. How many people live there that they need that many fresh apples? Those will surely go bad. This is even without getting to the carrots, which the ten pounds or so to the left of the jars seem especially redundant in light of the seven or so jars of them up at the top right.

Approximately 30 bottles of what appears to be vinegar?

Now, maybe the owner of the kitchen is a canning fiend and just has nowhere else to keep all this stuff, but it just seems to take up an awful lot of prominent kitchen room. Surely there has to be a better storage space somewhere.

Thus, visually appealing but not particularly functional. It’s not something I should be concerned about in any way, but it’s hard not to think about when they just send these catalogs to my house. I blame my wife for that.

I’ve Never Understood The People Who Freak Out Over The Denver Elevation

I keep going to see comedians, authors, and other people when they come to Denver and more than once now I’ve heard them say how dizzy the elevation has made them and how they respect the people who can live here. I’ve never understood that. I know that Denver is a mile high in elevation (5,280 feet), but I just never really noticed any particular effects.

Mind you, it isn’t like I’ve lived in Denver all my life and just never had a chance to be used to anything else. I haven’t. I grew up in Omaha (around 1090 feet in elevation) and spent the better part of thirty years there. I only moved to Denver about five years ago. I had no reason to be acclimatized to the elevation, but I never really noticed anything.

Frankly, I just don’t think the elevation here is quite high enough for dizziness or anything like that. Perhaps if you were playing some sort of heavy activity sport or running or something, but not just walking around. I’ve noticed that sort of dizziness when going up to Trail Ridge in Estes (12,183 feet), but not just in Denver.

Maybe some people are just more sensitive to elevation than others, but I never thought Denver’s elevation was that big of a deal. I’d worry about it if I was running a race or something, but ordinary activities don’t seem any different here than in Omaha. I just never understood why people coming here got so dizzy. Perhaps it was more from them checking out some of the recent legalizations here instead of the effects of elevation.