David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 260

Seven Shocking Things You Might Not Have Realized About Tom Hanks

I was just thinking about Tom Hanks this morning and for some reason it suddenly occurred to me that there are still some mysteries about him. The fact that he hasn’t made the slightest effort to clear any of them up gives me pause. It probably means nothing, but one never knows.

1. Tom Hanks has never been seen in the same room as the Loch Ness monster. Coincidence?

2. To date, Tom Hanks has issued no denial to the effect that he is really a cabbage in disguise.

3. Tom Hanks has never disavowed that he one day intends to conquer Byzantium.

4. Tom Hanks was strangely absent for the entire period of 17th century France.

5. Despite how good a marketing idea it would be, Tom Hanks has never put his name on a line of ham hocks, which would of course be called “Hanks Hocks.” Why?

6. The Discovery Channel has mysteriously never explored whether or not Amelia Earhart disappeared to Tom Hanks’s navel.

7. Tom Hanks has never been proven to not be the reincarnation of Napoleon’s butler.

I’ll just leave you with these. Maybe they’re nothing…but maybe there’s something to at least one of these. If so, let me know which one.

It’s A Bit Late To Be Worried About Who Plays Batman

There’s a lot of people upset that Ben Affleck has been cast as Batman. I understand that some people have a large emotional investment in the Batman character, but it seems to me this is a bit like worrying about who is going to be a mail carrier before seeing how that person can do on the job.

Now, I do admit that I don’t much care for Ben Affleck. It isn’t that I don’t think he can act. Rather, it’s because of character residue. The first movie I ran across Ben Affleck in was Mallrats. In that, he played a character I was supposed to hate. I did. I hated him well enough that the emotional residue from that first role carried into my reaction to him in later roles. I just keep thinking of him as the guy from the Fashionable Male. It was the same thing for me as Ben Stiller and Reality Bites. Argo finally managed to erase some of that, but some of that residue still remains and I just don’t react well to Ben Affleck.

However, it isn’t like the Batman character hasn’t gone through a hundred different incarnations already. Somebody loved each embodiment, but somebody hated each. Certainly, no one can argue that the mild-mannered yet not really tormented Michael Keaton Batman wasn’t vastly different from the slapstick Adam West Batman, or that either weren’t completely different from the incredibly dark Batman of The Killing Joke or The Dark Knight Returns series.

No, it seems like there have been almost as many different kinds of Batman interpretations as there have been individual mail carriers in this country. That’s certainly an exaggeration, but it still remains that it isn’t like the Batman character essence hasn’t ever been messed with before. Let’s just see how the guy does. Personally, I probably wouldn’t go see the movie anyway unless my wife or one of my friends wants to see it and asks me along.

I’m Glad “Family Feud” Hasn’t Jumped On The Reality TV Bandwagon

I just happened to reflect how it seems to be a good thing that Family Feud never jumped on the reality TV bandwagon. Mind you, I don’t watch Family Feud, but then again I don’t really watch any TV. Regardless, I think importing reality TV elements into the show would be a bad thing.

I mean, think about the concept of the show. Two families go on TV and compete by answering questions. Wholesome. Perhaps a bit 50s, but still wholesome.

Just think what the show would be like if they updated it to be much more like the families so often unfortunately shown on reality TV. First off: fights. Secondly, people wouldn’t have to stay with the family they came with. Individual family members would be free to join the other family, perhaps behind the back of their family. They might even grab members from the other family and form yet a third family.

No, the seedier side of modern humanity that is so focused on in reality TV, whether or not it accurately depicts society at large, would not make Family Feud better. I can only give thanks that Family Feud has not yet felt it worth their ratings to give it a try. We would all suffer, even if we don’t watch the show.

“Omaha: The Movie” Now On Amazon Instant Video!

Many of my friends are already familiar with Omaha: The Movie, either on their own or because I’ve forced it upon them. It’s the only movie to really depict what it is like to live in Omaha, particularly as a spiritually disconnected young man on the run from Columbia jewel thieves because of prayer stones given by monster truck watching Buddhist monks. Regardless, it’s a must see.

However, it’s been difficult to watch for a while now. I got a DVD of it that was part of a movie magazine promo from years ago. Beyond that, you had to watch one of the old VHS copies, presuming you could find one.

But! Wait no longer! Omaha: The Movie is now available on Amazon Instant Video. One click and you can watch this film treasure instantly (or at least substantially so) on your very own computer.

Sheriff Rich Roth: Roving gangs of kickboxers from Des Moines, Iowa. They’ve been making their way along the interstate for years. It was just a matter of time before they crossed the river. But we’re ready for them.

See subtitles done by someone behind Spanish-speaking characters writing on cardboard! See spiritual enlightenment at Carhenge! See one of Omaha’s old mayors in motorcycle leather! The movie is directed by Dan Mirvish and stars such actors as Hughston Walkinshaw, Jill Anderson, Frankie Bee, Christopher M. Dukes, Lars Erik Madsen, Dick Mueller, Scott Kurz, Rene Johnson, and more. Trust me, you want to see this regardless whether or not you’ve ever had any interest in Omaha itself (few have).

The Army Ignored How Maxwell Klinger Proved His Case

I was thinking about Maxwell Klinger the other day. I’m sure you remember Klinger. He was the character on M*A*S*H*. who was always trying to get a section 8 discharge by dressing in drag. However, though the Army never bought the gambit, he kept trying the same scam.

I was thinking about that part of it actually, how Klinger kept trying to prove he was crazy by dressing as a woman even though no one was buying it.

After all, don’t people always say that the definition of insanity is repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting different results (I don’t think that’s really accurate, but let’s go with it)? What else would repeatedly dressing as a woman to try to get a section 8 when doing so in the past hasn’t resulted in a section 8 be? It’s repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Klinger always held out hope.

Perhaps the Army should have been paying more attention. Klinger dressing as a woman might not have proved he was insane. However, the fact he kept doing so hoping for a section 8 when it was so clear that one wasn’t coming should have been concerning. A man dressing as a woman? Utterly unconcerning. A person who can’t apparently perceive when a result won’t come about from a series of actions? Possibly concerning.

Of course, this was just a show and a long ended one at that. Still, I think the Army should have thought a little deeper about this. Clearly, though the dressing in woman’s clothes thing wasn’t the actual problem, Klinger was obviously disturbed.

Your Surprise For The Day

Here is your surprise for the day: Dick Van Dyke is still alive.

I know, I’m as shocked as you. My wife couldn’t believe it either, until she saw this article about Dick being helped from a burning car. She didn’t think he needed much help, since she thought he’d already passed on.

He hasn’t though. Dick is still kicking around. He’s 87 years old, but he’s still alive. Heck, he’s probably as surprised as any of us.

Is It Bad If You Can’t Be Sure What Was Your First Alcohol Experience?

Is it a bad thing if you can’t remember what is your first alcohol experience? I have that problem. I don’t mean that I don’t literally remember it, like in a “blackout” sort of sense. I more of mean that I don’t remember which memory was first.

It is possible that the first time I tried alcohol was in the kitchen of a friend of my parents. My parents had this friend that they’d been close to since long before I’d been born, and we used to go over to his place sometimes for dinners. Sometimes he’d have a glass of wine. One time I went in the kitchen for something and noticed that he’d left a glass of red wine sitting on the table. I decided to try it and took a small sip. It was horrible.

It is also possible that the first time I tried alcohol was under a neighbor’s porch. A friend and I were in a neighbor’s backyard and happened to figure out that the neighbor kept beer under the back porch. I have no idea why, this was summer in Nebraska so they weren’t keeping it cold out there. Anyway, we decided to try it. For some reason, so no one would know that we’d taken it, we punctured a can with a nail instead of just opening it. Then we tried the beer that poured out. I didn’t like it at all, but my friend kept guzzling at it. Mind you, even he didn’t get drunk.

I remember both experiences clearly, but I can’t remember which of them was first. I could have been anywhere from eight to eleven for either. One was obviously first, but which?

Regardless, it isn’t like this is actually a problem or anything. I just think it’s funny that I can’t remember exactly what was my first experience with alcohol. Saying it like that makes it seem much, much worse than it was.

Beware Homonyms

I was walking in a park one time and happened to hear two gentlemen (I use this word loosely) talking about a nearby sign.  The sign made some reference to waterfowl and one of the two gentlemen said that they shouldn’t call ducks that. He didn’t think ducks were that bad and didn’t deserve to be called “foul.”

At that moment, my brain suggested to me that if I drowned myself in the nearby pond then I wouldn’t ever have to hear that gentleman say another word again.

Mind you, I corrected the gentleman when I used the word “foul” above. Based on what the gentleman said, he was apparently not aware that there were two different words “foul” and “fowl.” As most people know, “fowl” are (loosely) certain birds that are often domesticated. Meanwhile, “foul” is something that is offensive to the senses. I assure you, this gentleman was serious.

If I was ignorant enough to not be aware of the difference between the two words, I could almost see the guy’s point. After all, ducks are cool and all. I’m certainly not offended by them.

However, I was offended by this guy somehow thinking that the word “fowl” in any way referred to or suggested something offensive. I wanted to enlighten him, but I hurried away before he could say anything else that would be quite that intellectually offensive to my brain. It was likely too great a problem to fix.

Besides, he didn’t think ducks were “that bad?” Just how bad did he think ducks were? What was his problem with ducks?

Microsoft Doesn’t Cut Prices On Surface Tablets Enough To Make Me Want To Buy

Apparently, Microsoft has cut prices on their Surface tablets. However, they haven’t cut prices enough to interest me as of yet. Mind you, I haven’t looked at how far they’ve cut prices. I just know that I’m still not interested.

How do I know they haven’t cut them far enough to interest me if I haven’t looked? Easy, even without looking I’m pretty sure they are still charging money. Any amount of money is too much for me. The basic fact remains that I don’t want one. They’d have to pay me, and a good amount since I really don’t want one, and I’m sure they’re not doing that yet.

After all, I have a laptop and a smart phone. Most times if I want really portable, I grab my smart phone. If not, I grab my laptop. I just haven’t felt the need for a tablet as of yet. If I do, I’d really lean toward the iPad. It doesn’t have the stench of failure around it.

Isn’t that the problem for Microsoft at this point? If they cut prices because the tablets aren’t selling well enough, doesn’t that just make people worry more that these things are going to fail at some point? Who wants to be wandering around with a failed product? Granted a few HP tablet people wouldn’t mind, but they already have their HP tablets. I’m betting everyone else is probably shying even further away.

Regardless whether I’m right on that or not, I still don’t want a Surface. I don’t want one in a house, I don’t want one with a mouse. They can do what they like with the price, but I’m just not buying.

My Other Cat Won’t Read My Book Either

I posted yesterday about how my cat Queen Tiy wouldn’t read my book even though authors really count on their loved ones for support. That’s why it is with even greater sadness that I must inform everyone that my other cat (Sitamun) also refuses to read my novel in story form: Bones Buried in the Dirt.

Honestly, she’s just as bad as Queen Tiy. Maybe it’s because Queen Tiy is her mother, but Sitamun doesn’t appear to be very literature-minded either. Whatever is the case, she won’t read the book. She’ll sniff at it, she’ll sit on it, but she won’t read it.

Again, I have to hope that the rest of you provide the kind of support that I hoped, ineffectually, to get from my cats for Bones Buried in the Dirt. Again, you can buy the book on Amazon, at Tattered Cover in Denver, or at The Bookworm in Omaha in person.