David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 197

“The Garden of Good and Evil Pancakes” was a 2015 National Indie Excellence Awards finalist in humor!

I just wanted to share with anyone who hadn’t heard yet that my novel The Garden of Good and Evil Pancakes was a 2015 National Indie Excellence Awards finalist in humor!

You know what would be a good way to celebrate? If you don’t already have a copy, why not consider picking one up?

 

I’m Going To Start Crushing People’s Hands

A new study apparently correlates handshake strength to how likely you are to die in the next few years. I’m sure the article says not to read too much into this and how this probably just evidences other factors that relate to immediate survival, but what fun is reading the article? Let’s just go ahead and extend this study way, way further than it can go.

I now plan to attempt to crush people’s hands any time I engage in a handshake from now on. I’m going to squeeze like my life depends on it, under the idea that it just might. I’m going to crush as if cause and effect, presuming there really is one and that this isn’t just correlational or evidence of other factors that the handshake itself won’t change, and effect and cause are interchangeable.

Get ready for crushed hands. I’m going to live forever.

The Xfinity/Comcast Commercial Isn’t Really Promising Anything New

I’m getting ready to move, so I’ve been noticing the Xfinity/Comcast (whatever they want to call themselves) moving commercials. They seem to suggest things other than what they are actually promising. What they are actually promising doesn’t seem to be that new.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the commercials or not, but it involves a person trying to call friends to help them move her stuff. Her friends all come up with excuses. Then she calls Comcast/Xfinity and the person on the phone is helpful. Great, right?

Yeah…except the person on the phone isn’t helping move the actual stuff either, or sending someone to do it. The person on the phone is just helping her schedule transfer of her Xfinity/Comcast services.

No cable company has ever done that before, right? It’s not like they want to retain you as a customer at the new address, right?

Seriously, they promise you can schedule on the day you want. You can even get a time window of a few hours. Again, this seems like what cable companies have been doing for a long time. What the heck are they actually advertising?

I’m a bit miffed myself whenever I see these. We scheduled transfer of our services recently. They gave us an appointment window all right, but we couldn’t get the discount they give new customers. No dice on that. The only way they’d even give us free installation is if we upgraded stuff, though they did supposedly guarantee that we’d get a discount on the new stuff for two years and only have to pay a couple dollars more.

Keep in mind, I don’t want the new stuff.

It’s just irritating to keep seeing those commercials that act like they’re going to be so helpful and do all this stuff for you. In fact, all they do is transfer your services like they’ve always done. I see nothing new, or nothing that other cable companies don’t do.

Do People Not Know You Can Already Watch “The Craft?”

I’m getting a little confused. I‘ve heard that they’re apparently going to do a remake of The Craft. Some people are upset, some people are excited, and some people just don’t care. However, what I’m wondering is: Why?

After all, you can just watch The Craft on DVD. You get watch it on instant video at Amazon for $7.99. It’s probably at Netflix too. So why does there need to be a remake? We can already watch it.

I just don’t understand all the remakes. If I want to see a movie, I’m probably just going to go watch it. I don’t need anyone to go make it all over again. I know where my DVD player is. I know how to watch a movie online.

Are we completely out of new scripts? Somehow I don’t think so. Was there something that they didn’t get to do in the original version of The Craft that is now technologically possible, justifying doing it all over again? I’m pretty sure not.

This just doesn’t make sense to me.

RadioShack Customer Data Was Worth Something?

Apparently there has been some controversy over the sale of RadioShack’s customer data as part of the bankrupcty. This is surprising to me…because I wasn’t aware that RadioShack’s customer data would be worth much.

After all, RadioShack has had trouble for a long time because their business plan wasn’t really viable in view of the modern marketplace. People had bought all the batteries they needed and RadioShack hadn’t managed to find a new niche to inhabit. I can only recall having been in a RadioShack once in the last twenty years, and only because I decided to make a last minute electronics gift that I didn’t have time to order online or go anywhere else for (there’s a RadioShack, still, within a couple blocks of my work). Regardless, it wasn’t a surprise that they were going bankrupt.

However, what was a surprise was that they were even plans to sell their customer information as part of the bankruptcy. I can imagine there being privacy concerns if they did so…but who are all these customers for whom RadioShack had information? If RadioShack had customers…why were they doing so poorly?

Seems to me as if they wouldnt’ have had that much information to sell, given the situation they were in. Still, the sale was planned and became the subject of some privacy debate. Maybe the information they have is valuable because it lists people who have enough money and not enough impulse control that they’d even buy from RadioShack.

I guess that could be worth some money.

Today’s Blog Post Is Brought To You By Forgetfulness

I woke up this morning with a great idea for a blog post. It was so good, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before. I was going to check to be sure that I hadn’t already used it and just couldn’t remember. But…then I forgot what it was.

Seriously, it was a great topic. I just don’t remember it now.

I thought that was just great. What was I going to use for a topic now? All I could think of was how I forgot my perfect topic.

Then I thought of this….

Dear Tank: I Would Still Like To Use Some Of That Pillow

I have a cat named Tank. Actually, I have four cats. Because my wife moves around too much while she sleeps, the cats all like to sleep on me. Apparently, I am a good cat bed. Recently, Tank has decided that he wants to sleep on my pillow next to my head. Tank is 16 pounds. Though this is easier on my breathing than when he wanted to sleep on my chest, it doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for my head:

I’m starting to wake up with a crick in my neck.

Incidentally, my wife thinks it’s very funny to get up in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping to take pictures of the cats all sleeping on me. I am generally uninvolved in this process.

So Where’s The Magic?

I was at Voodoo Dougnut the other night. The wife and I ordered the pothole doughnut and the mango tango. There were really good, but I was wondering…where was the magic?

It isn’t as if the doughnuts I got weren’t magic on their own, but one of the main slogans of Voodoo Doughnut is “The magic is in the hole.” However, both the pothole doughnut and the mango tango don’t have standard doughnut holes.  Just look (bottom left of top layer for the pothole doughnut):

and (mango tango):

Thus, no holes. One is a long john style and the other a filled round, without holes. If there are no holes…where is the magic?

I’m confused.

My wife insisted that there are still holes where the filling was inserted (bavarian creme for the pothole doughnut and mango jelly for the mango tango). However, those are clearly insertion wounds, not holes. They don’t go all the way through.

So…where’s the magic? I know it’s still there…I just don’t know where.

How Am I Supposed To Know If I Like The Sofa If I Can’t Take It In The Bathroom?

The wife and I are planning to go to a furniture store this weekend. As a result of that, I’m thinking back to the last time I was in that store. On my way into the restrooms, I saw a sign that said: “No unpaid merchandise allowed in restrooms.” I know they probably also had dvds or other small electronics they were worried about people stealing, but I started imagining the problems they’d been having with people dragging ten foot sectional sofas in there.

After all, how am I going to know if I really like the couch I’m looking at if I can’t take it into the bathroom? The store is only one environment, and they design it to make their furniture look good. Shouldn’t I be able to take large furniture into the bathroom to see if it looks good there as well?

Plus, don’t they want me to be comfortable? What kind of people run that place?

We’ll see what kind of mood I’m in when we get to the furniture store this weekend. Perhaps I’ll take this up with the salesperson at that time. Maybe I’ll get a discount in exchange for shutting my trap. Or thrown out, one of the two.

I Have A Plan To Help Lindsay Lohan

I have a plan to help Linday Lohan.

Apparently, a judge has warned her that she could face jail time if she doesn’t soon complete her court ordered 125 hours of community service. By May 28. She’s only completed somewhere less than 10 hours so far. Her attorney says it would be impossible given her current residence, schedule, and all that.

However, as I said above, I have a plan.

All Lindsay needs to do is switch bodies with someone who can finish the required hours of community service. This other, more responsible person can complete the hours in her body and then they can switch back. Boom, problem solved.

She just needs to find some magic body switching spell fortune cookies.