Jen Mann's Blog, page 38
February 26, 2013
snOMG!
If you've been following my Facebook page, then you'll know that I'm in the midst of snOMG II. snOMG I hit us last week just after the kids had a five freaking day weekend. Now snOMG II hit us last night. Although the kids managed to make it to school yesterday, today we are home and who knows what tomorrow will bring? At this rate, we'll be heading back to school in time to get a week off for Spring Break!
Don't worry about us, though. We're hunkered down in our warm house (and we still have power, unlike a lot of people) and I sent the Hubs out yesterday for milk, because we all know you cannot survive a snowstorm without milk. It's simply unheard of.
Now, I'm not going to lie, I prayed for snow. HARD. We haven't had snow in many years and I'm always so jealous of my friend's snow day pics on Facebook. So this year I kept hoping and praying and God finally heard me and then he laughed at me. We have more snow than I've seen in a long time. As Gomer said, "This is the most snow I've ever seen in my whole life!" It made me happy and sad all at the same time, because goodness, the boy doesn't get out much if this is the most snow he's ever seen. We need to get that boy to a ski slope or something. Maybe for Spring Break . . . no, I want to go somewhere warm for Spring Break now!
My kids were so excited to see snow they wanted to go out while the blizzard raged. At first I said no, but then more I thought of it, I decided why not? The snow was going to be a foot deep when it was over and they'd never be able to wade through that, they might as well go out now while there was only six inches on the ground.
I went through the closet and dug out two of everything:
Snow bib overalls
Boots
Scarf
Hat
Mittens
Back up scarf, hat and mittens for when the originals get too cold and wet
It took me half an hour to wrangle everyone into their snow ensemble (and then wrangle Adolpha out so she could pee and then back in when she was done) and they headed out.
I complain, but wow it's beautiful!
Within fifteen minutes, Adolpha was at the front door crying. She'd fallen in a drift and was afraid she couldn't get up and she might have died out there without anyone knowing. Instead of trying to get up, she just laid there and cried because she was sure she wouldn't be able to get up even if she tried. (Good plan, Adolpha.) Finally, after Gomer had passed her by several times, he stopped and helped her up and told her to go inside.
She managed to get herself to the front door where she could ring the doorbell and tell me she needed a cup of hot cocoa and a hot bath to recover from her brush with death.
Once she was warmed up again, she was ready to head back out.
Are you kidding me with this? What do you snowy region people do? Do your kids just come and go all day leaving a trail of soggy mittens and pools of melting snow in their wake?
I'm ready to start praying for warmer weather now. Let me be specific though: sunny and highs of 82. Please and thank you.
So, I know we just finished the whole Circle of Moms Funny Mom blog thing, but I've received another nomination that is pretty cool. I've been nominated for a Bloggie. Not just any Bloggie, but the Weblog of the Year. I have to admit, I kind of like the sound of that one.
There is good news and bad news about voting for this one. The good news is you only have to vote once. So once you do it, you're finished. You don't have to vote again, every day for the next 25 days. The bad news is it can be kind of a pain in the ass, you have to give them an email address and then confirm your vote in order for it to count. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it will be awesome when you tell your friends, "Yeah, I was reading PIWTPITT before she was the Weblog of the Year. You gotta get out more . . . out on the net . . . I mean." Thank you!
Don't worry about us, though. We're hunkered down in our warm house (and we still have power, unlike a lot of people) and I sent the Hubs out yesterday for milk, because we all know you cannot survive a snowstorm without milk. It's simply unheard of.
Now, I'm not going to lie, I prayed for snow. HARD. We haven't had snow in many years and I'm always so jealous of my friend's snow day pics on Facebook. So this year I kept hoping and praying and God finally heard me and then he laughed at me. We have more snow than I've seen in a long time. As Gomer said, "This is the most snow I've ever seen in my whole life!" It made me happy and sad all at the same time, because goodness, the boy doesn't get out much if this is the most snow he's ever seen. We need to get that boy to a ski slope or something. Maybe for Spring Break . . . no, I want to go somewhere warm for Spring Break now!
My kids were so excited to see snow they wanted to go out while the blizzard raged. At first I said no, but then more I thought of it, I decided why not? The snow was going to be a foot deep when it was over and they'd never be able to wade through that, they might as well go out now while there was only six inches on the ground.
I went through the closet and dug out two of everything:
Snow bib overalls
Boots
Scarf
Hat
Mittens
Back up scarf, hat and mittens for when the originals get too cold and wet
It took me half an hour to wrangle everyone into their snow ensemble (and then wrangle Adolpha out so she could pee and then back in when she was done) and they headed out.
I complain, but wow it's beautiful!
Within fifteen minutes, Adolpha was at the front door crying. She'd fallen in a drift and was afraid she couldn't get up and she might have died out there without anyone knowing. Instead of trying to get up, she just laid there and cried because she was sure she wouldn't be able to get up even if she tried. (Good plan, Adolpha.) Finally, after Gomer had passed her by several times, he stopped and helped her up and told her to go inside.
She managed to get herself to the front door where she could ring the doorbell and tell me she needed a cup of hot cocoa and a hot bath to recover from her brush with death.
Once she was warmed up again, she was ready to head back out.
Are you kidding me with this? What do you snowy region people do? Do your kids just come and go all day leaving a trail of soggy mittens and pools of melting snow in their wake?
I'm ready to start praying for warmer weather now. Let me be specific though: sunny and highs of 82. Please and thank you.
So, I know we just finished the whole Circle of Moms Funny Mom blog thing, but I've received another nomination that is pretty cool. I've been nominated for a Bloggie. Not just any Bloggie, but the Weblog of the Year. I have to admit, I kind of like the sound of that one.
There is good news and bad news about voting for this one. The good news is you only have to vote once. So once you do it, you're finished. You don't have to vote again, every day for the next 25 days. The bad news is it can be kind of a pain in the ass, you have to give them an email address and then confirm your vote in order for it to count. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it will be awesome when you tell your friends, "Yeah, I was reading PIWTPITT before she was the Weblog of the Year. You gotta get out more . . . out on the net . . . I mean." Thank you!
February 20, 2013
Is it Possible to be Too Sexy?
Today is my day to work out with Kris at Starting Line Fitness. Every week Kris is forcing (oops, I mean getting) me to try new things and to add different components to my workout.
She also started training the Hubs. The Hubs is what I call a "skinny fat man." He's a normal, healthy weight, but that's about it. He can't run, he can barely touch his toes, and he bought slider things to move our sofas around because he couldn't lift his end anymore.
I made this shirt for the Hubs.
Last week he told Kris he didn't want to lift too much weight, because he's worried he might get "too big." After Kris and I had a good laugh at that one, I told Kris I needed to slow down my workout regimen too, because I didn't want to get "too skinny."
The Hubs and I bitch a bit when Kris pushes us to our limits, but we're very happy with the results.
The Hubs is getting some guns, but nothing too showy, and his t-shirts aren't straining to keep his muscles contained.
I'm continuing to lose inches. I'm at a total of 20 inches gone. I still haven't lost much weight, but my clothes fit better, I have more energy, and I feel stronger. All of the things I asked for at the beginning. Luckily, I'm not fixated on a number on the scale and what I care about is how I feel. Plus, I know if I really wanted to kick it up a notch, I could just need to tell Kris and she'd work me even harder, but I'm a lazy ass. This is all I can handle.
Sometimes I get a little bored with the routine, and I thought I might look for some new exercises to try. Last night I read about a new kind of workout and I think I'd like to try this one: the Stiletto Fitness Class.
Yup. You put on one to six inch heels and then "get your heart rate up the sexy way!"
Nah, on second thought I think I'll stick with Kris' exercises - I don't want to get too sexy.
She also started training the Hubs. The Hubs is what I call a "skinny fat man." He's a normal, healthy weight, but that's about it. He can't run, he can barely touch his toes, and he bought slider things to move our sofas around because he couldn't lift his end anymore.
I made this shirt for the Hubs.
Last week he told Kris he didn't want to lift too much weight, because he's worried he might get "too big." After Kris and I had a good laugh at that one, I told Kris I needed to slow down my workout regimen too, because I didn't want to get "too skinny."
The Hubs and I bitch a bit when Kris pushes us to our limits, but we're very happy with the results.
The Hubs is getting some guns, but nothing too showy, and his t-shirts aren't straining to keep his muscles contained.
I'm continuing to lose inches. I'm at a total of 20 inches gone. I still haven't lost much weight, but my clothes fit better, I have more energy, and I feel stronger. All of the things I asked for at the beginning. Luckily, I'm not fixated on a number on the scale and what I care about is how I feel. Plus, I know if I really wanted to kick it up a notch, I could just need to tell Kris and she'd work me even harder, but I'm a lazy ass. This is all I can handle.
Sometimes I get a little bored with the routine, and I thought I might look for some new exercises to try. Last night I read about a new kind of workout and I think I'd like to try this one: the Stiletto Fitness Class.
Yup. You put on one to six inch heels and then "get your heart rate up the sexy way!"
Nah, on second thought I think I'll stick with Kris' exercises - I don't want to get too sexy.
February 18, 2013
The Guy Who Hit a Baby on an Airplane
I don't have to tell any mother reading this that traveling on an airplane with little kids sucks. Besides the ridiculous amount of shit you must carry on the plane to make sure that your kid doesn't melt down an hour into a three hour flight, you must also worry about everyone around you. You're constantly wondering, "Is that lady in aisle 12 giving me the evil eye because I'm taking my kid to the bathroom for the fourth time in an hour?" or "The guy in front of me just sighed heavily and moved around in his seat. Is that passive aggressive speak for 'shut your kid up'?"
My kids don't have a lot of experience traveling, but they're decent travelers. They've always been able to stay quiet with enough food shoved into their mouths and electronic devices waved in their faces. You can try and entertain them and keep them quiet, but sometimes kids will just lose their shit on a plane.
And when a kid does freak out, there isn't much you can do except try and figure out ways to calm him down.
I can tell you what doesn't work. When the passenger in the seat next to you slaps your crying baby and calls him the "N" word. Yeah. That happened.
Can you imagine? I can't even begin to comprehend that happening. First, I would think I must have just imagined that. Surely the old man next to me didn't just slap my baby and call him a racial slur? Second, I would say, Yes, I think he did do that. What the fuck, man? Third, I would be arrested by the closest air marshal, because I would go fucking ballistic on his racist, baby-slapping ass. I would calmly, carefully, and cautiously hand my child to the nearest responsible looking person and then I would beat that old man with in my in-flight magazine and try to strangle him with a seat belt. My fellow travelers would have to drag me off of him before I snatched him bald.
What would you do if this guy hit your kid?
I know I ask this a lot, but it bears repeating: What is wrong with people??? Most people wouldn't even consider hitting their own kid and this guy thinks he can hit a stranger's kid? I don't know what his excuse is, nor do I care, because there is no excuse. This guy does not deserve to even be heard. There is nothing he can say that would make me think, "Oh, OK, now it makes sense." I don't care if that baby did nothing but scream and throw chewed up crackers at this guy. Sure, that would suck. But not enough to bitch slap a toddler.
There are federal charges pending against this asshat right now and if convicted he's looking at a year in jail and I read this morning that he's lost his job. That sounds like a good start, but if I was this child's mother I would bring a suit against this guy the likes of which he's never seen. I would take him for everything he's got. He would pay for my child's college education and the down payment on his first home and his retirement. When I got done with this dickhead he would be living in a cardboard box under an overpass.
My kids don't have a lot of experience traveling, but they're decent travelers. They've always been able to stay quiet with enough food shoved into their mouths and electronic devices waved in their faces. You can try and entertain them and keep them quiet, but sometimes kids will just lose their shit on a plane.
And when a kid does freak out, there isn't much you can do except try and figure out ways to calm him down.
I can tell you what doesn't work. When the passenger in the seat next to you slaps your crying baby and calls him the "N" word. Yeah. That happened.
Can you imagine? I can't even begin to comprehend that happening. First, I would think I must have just imagined that. Surely the old man next to me didn't just slap my baby and call him a racial slur? Second, I would say, Yes, I think he did do that. What the fuck, man? Third, I would be arrested by the closest air marshal, because I would go fucking ballistic on his racist, baby-slapping ass. I would calmly, carefully, and cautiously hand my child to the nearest responsible looking person and then I would beat that old man with in my in-flight magazine and try to strangle him with a seat belt. My fellow travelers would have to drag me off of him before I snatched him bald.
What would you do if this guy hit your kid?
I know I ask this a lot, but it bears repeating: What is wrong with people??? Most people wouldn't even consider hitting their own kid and this guy thinks he can hit a stranger's kid? I don't know what his excuse is, nor do I care, because there is no excuse. This guy does not deserve to even be heard. There is nothing he can say that would make me think, "Oh, OK, now it makes sense." I don't care if that baby did nothing but scream and throw chewed up crackers at this guy. Sure, that would suck. But not enough to bitch slap a toddler.
There are federal charges pending against this asshat right now and if convicted he's looking at a year in jail and I read this morning that he's lost his job. That sounds like a good start, but if I was this child's mother I would bring a suit against this guy the likes of which he's never seen. I would take him for everything he's got. He would pay for my child's college education and the down payment on his first home and his retirement. When I got done with this dickhead he would be living in a cardboard box under an overpass.
February 12, 2013
Hey Girl . . .
I don't know about you, but I spent many a Valentine's Day home alone wishing someone would spend his allowance on a ridiculously over-sized teddy bear holding a plush heart that I could perch in the corner of my room as a constant reminder that someone loved me.
I've written a letter to that girl.
Dear Jenni [because you know, I was still Jenni in those days],
How's it going, girl? Happy Valentine's Day. I'm from the future. Yeah, your style doesn't get much better as you age. Sorry. But look how good your teeth look now! I know those braces seem like a real pain in the ass, but they're really going to pay off. And look at your hair! Amazeball invention: the straightening iron. It's like your very best friend in the future. I know it seems crazy to think you might actually want to straighten that glorious permed hair, but someday I think you might realize that you've got a face for straight hair - and hats (you might try a hat now). I'm not trying to be bossy or anything. It's your hair. But between the braces and the perm it's just . . . a lot going on. That's all I'm saying.
Anyhoo, let me get to why I'm writing. I know you're home alone today and it sucks. I know you think that you're never going to have a Valentine, but that's not true. Now, before you get too excited, let me just go ahead and burst your John Hughes' movie marathon bubble: you're not going to marry Jake Ryan. You're going to marry Long Duck Dong. Actually, that's not true either. The Hubs is probably closer to an Asian version of every character Anthony Michael Hall ever played in the 80s. That's not bad right?
Your Hubs is funny. Like really funny. You're going to laugh your ass off. Every day. He's super smart too. I know, I know. Right now smart guys are not that appealing to you. You sort of like that burnout, bad boy, but honestly, Jenni, have you thought that one through? The best he can hope for is any job that doesn't run a drug test. Maybe you won't listen to me about the perms, but you need to trust me on this one: you want a smart guy.
Wait until you see your kids. I know you think you want five or six kids, but I'm telling you that shit is foolish. You can barely handle two. You're going to have two really beautiful, sweet kids. Just stop while you're ahead, because who knows what else you might get.
Now here's the kicker: right now you're sitting home alone wishing you had someone around. Fast forward 27 years and you'd do anything to get the house to yourself for the night. Crazy, right? You're going to be so loved that you'll dream of this night.
Well, I've got to get back to the future now. Your kids are home from school and everyone wants a snack and I have to quiz your son on his spelling words and work with your daughter on her reading and give everyone baths and sign permission slips and write checks for their soccer camps this summer and make sure the Hubs is cooking dinner (yeah, he cooks - Wow! Right?). You enjoy your night alone, because you're not going to get many more.
And oh yeah, go easy on the half priced chocolates the day after Valentine's Day, OK?
Love,
Jen
Hey reader . . . if you thought this post was funny do me a favor and give me a vote on the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms Contest. It's the closest I'll ever get to being Prom Queen in a John Hughes film.
I've written a letter to that girl.
Dear Jenni [because you know, I was still Jenni in those days],
How's it going, girl? Happy Valentine's Day. I'm from the future. Yeah, your style doesn't get much better as you age. Sorry. But look how good your teeth look now! I know those braces seem like a real pain in the ass, but they're really going to pay off. And look at your hair! Amazeball invention: the straightening iron. It's like your very best friend in the future. I know it seems crazy to think you might actually want to straighten that glorious permed hair, but someday I think you might realize that you've got a face for straight hair - and hats (you might try a hat now). I'm not trying to be bossy or anything. It's your hair. But between the braces and the perm it's just . . . a lot going on. That's all I'm saying.
Anyhoo, let me get to why I'm writing. I know you're home alone today and it sucks. I know you think that you're never going to have a Valentine, but that's not true. Now, before you get too excited, let me just go ahead and burst your John Hughes' movie marathon bubble: you're not going to marry Jake Ryan. You're going to marry Long Duck Dong. Actually, that's not true either. The Hubs is probably closer to an Asian version of every character Anthony Michael Hall ever played in the 80s. That's not bad right?
Your Hubs is funny. Like really funny. You're going to laugh your ass off. Every day. He's super smart too. I know, I know. Right now smart guys are not that appealing to you. You sort of like that burnout, bad boy, but honestly, Jenni, have you thought that one through? The best he can hope for is any job that doesn't run a drug test. Maybe you won't listen to me about the perms, but you need to trust me on this one: you want a smart guy.
Wait until you see your kids. I know you think you want five or six kids, but I'm telling you that shit is foolish. You can barely handle two. You're going to have two really beautiful, sweet kids. Just stop while you're ahead, because who knows what else you might get.
Now here's the kicker: right now you're sitting home alone wishing you had someone around. Fast forward 27 years and you'd do anything to get the house to yourself for the night. Crazy, right? You're going to be so loved that you'll dream of this night.
Well, I've got to get back to the future now. Your kids are home from school and everyone wants a snack and I have to quiz your son on his spelling words and work with your daughter on her reading and give everyone baths and sign permission slips and write checks for their soccer camps this summer and make sure the Hubs is cooking dinner (yeah, he cooks - Wow! Right?). You enjoy your night alone, because you're not going to get many more.
And oh yeah, go easy on the half priced chocolates the day after Valentine's Day, OK?
Love,
Jen
Hey reader . . . if you thought this post was funny do me a favor and give me a vote on the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms Contest. It's the closest I'll ever get to being Prom Queen in a John Hughes film.
February 6, 2013
Gomer Hates GoDaddy
Did you watch the Super Bowl Sunday night? Usually the Hubs and I watch the game together. Not because we're big football fans, but because we enjoy the commercials. This year I got a pass, because Gomer was finally old enough to stay up and do some father/son bonding with the Hubs. I sent them to the basement and I curled up with a book. Bliss!
The next day I asked Gomer if he had a favorite commercial. Instead of telling me which one he loved, he told me which one he hated.
"GoDaddy. Yuck," he said. (If you haven't seen it, watch below.)
"Yuck?" I asked. "Why?"
"There was a beauty and a brains and they were eating each other's faces. It was gross!"
"Beauty and brains?"
"Yeah, there was a pretty girl who was the beauty. And then this other guy . . . who was . . . uh . . . he was all red and splotchy. They were trying to eat each other."
"Ewww," I said.
"I know! And their tongues! Mom, they almost touched."
May he never grow up.
The next day I asked Gomer if he had a favorite commercial. Instead of telling me which one he loved, he told me which one he hated.
"GoDaddy. Yuck," he said. (If you haven't seen it, watch below.)
"Yuck?" I asked. "Why?"
"There was a beauty and a brains and they were eating each other's faces. It was gross!"
"Beauty and brains?"
"Yeah, there was a pretty girl who was the beauty. And then this other guy . . . who was . . . uh . . . he was all red and splotchy. They were trying to eat each other."
"Ewww," I said.
"I know! And their tongues! Mom, they almost touched."
May he never grow up.
February 5, 2013
My Rockstar Demands
I just read the list of demands that Lady Gaga makes when she's on tour. You know, the items that she requests to be in her dressing room when she performs.
It got me thinking. When does this happen? Right now when I go somewhere I'm thrilled if I'm offered a glass of water. At what point is the water not enough and you start saying, "Is this Pellegrino? It feels like it's room temperature. I like my Pellegrino chilled to 55 degrees and served in a crystal goblet."
If I suddenly became a Youtube sensation/rock star over night what would I demand?
Would I keep it real or would I go crazy? Probably a bit of both. The fame would go straight to my head.
Gaga wants white leather couches and fan art on the walls along with lavender, white and yellow flowers ONLY in the room.
I'm not a fan of leather, it's always cold and when I'm sweaty I stick to it. I'll be sweaty since I'm performing my hit single so I'd better stay away from leather. I've also never owned a white couch in my life. The idea of it gives me palpitations. Have you seen what a Sharpie and a child can do to a white couch?
I'm more of a cozy sectional kind of girl with a big ottoman to put my feet up on. I'd prefer a neutral color that can cover stains and slip covers for easy washing. I will require all mirrors to circus mirrors that make me look tall and thin.
As for flowers. Eh. I can take them or leave them. I'd rather have a fruit - or better yet, a cookie - bouquet that you can eat.
The pictures on the walls should be a combination of inspirational kitties ("Hang in there!") and Grumpy Cat ("Break a leg! Seriously.").
The food. I'd go on tour just so I could make insane food demands.
Gaga has asked for "whole-wheat bread, low-sugar peanut butter with flax seed, bran flake cereal, fruit, hummus, and homemade guacamole. A 24-hour hotel kitchen access request was put in for her own personal chef."
I'd want ONLY blue M&Ms in a clear bowl, New York style pizza - always hot, because you never know when my entourage or I will want a slice, green apples (red apples will be smashed on the floor), creamy peanut butter, Haribo Gummi Bears (because all other brands suck), Raisin Bran with extra raisins, breakfast tea, and access to a crockpot just in case my crew decides to whip up some Rotel cheese dip.
Now that I think about it, my list of demands is less Gaga and more Roseanne.
What about you? What would your rockstar demands look like?
Please don't make me turn to singing to pay my bills - no one will like that. Vote for me at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest.
It got me thinking. When does this happen? Right now when I go somewhere I'm thrilled if I'm offered a glass of water. At what point is the water not enough and you start saying, "Is this Pellegrino? It feels like it's room temperature. I like my Pellegrino chilled to 55 degrees and served in a crystal goblet."
If I suddenly became a Youtube sensation/rock star over night what would I demand?
Would I keep it real or would I go crazy? Probably a bit of both. The fame would go straight to my head.
Gaga wants white leather couches and fan art on the walls along with lavender, white and yellow flowers ONLY in the room.
I'm not a fan of leather, it's always cold and when I'm sweaty I stick to it. I'll be sweaty since I'm performing my hit single so I'd better stay away from leather. I've also never owned a white couch in my life. The idea of it gives me palpitations. Have you seen what a Sharpie and a child can do to a white couch?
I'm more of a cozy sectional kind of girl with a big ottoman to put my feet up on. I'd prefer a neutral color that can cover stains and slip covers for easy washing. I will require all mirrors to circus mirrors that make me look tall and thin.
As for flowers. Eh. I can take them or leave them. I'd rather have a fruit - or better yet, a cookie - bouquet that you can eat.
The pictures on the walls should be a combination of inspirational kitties ("Hang in there!") and Grumpy Cat ("Break a leg! Seriously.").
The food. I'd go on tour just so I could make insane food demands.
Gaga has asked for "whole-wheat bread, low-sugar peanut butter with flax seed, bran flake cereal, fruit, hummus, and homemade guacamole. A 24-hour hotel kitchen access request was put in for her own personal chef."
I'd want ONLY blue M&Ms in a clear bowl, New York style pizza - always hot, because you never know when my entourage or I will want a slice, green apples (red apples will be smashed on the floor), creamy peanut butter, Haribo Gummi Bears (because all other brands suck), Raisin Bran with extra raisins, breakfast tea, and access to a crockpot just in case my crew decides to whip up some Rotel cheese dip.
Now that I think about it, my list of demands is less Gaga and more Roseanne.
What about you? What would your rockstar demands look like?
Please don't make me turn to singing to pay my bills - no one will like that. Vote for me at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest.
February 2, 2013
Weekly Wrap Up 2.2.13
I've stayed busy this week reading and writing. I'm making a lot of progress on my anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone and I've started working on my new book Going to School with People I Want to Punch in the Throat.
I'm getting my throat punched over at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest. Last year I won this contest handily and this year the competition is so stiff with so many hysterical ladies that I will be lucky if I get 5th place. Please vote for me so I don't lose my street cred and have to start blogging about coupons.
I've got about a billion different ways for you to follow me and keep up with me now, so I thought I'd list them all here in case you're looking for one more way to be my friend.
Blog (duh). You can subscribe and get me delivered to your inbox or reader every day.
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Twitter. I tweet nonsense. Especially on Sunday nights at 9 PM EST at the #spikedpunch Twitter party. Join me this Sunday.
Pinterest. I pin funny stuff, food I want to make, food I'll never make, crafts, blogs and books I read, and exercise routines that I should probably get off my ass and do.
Goodreads. Share your book recommendations with me.
If you think it's a pain in the ass to follow me on all of these channels, try keeping them updated. I'm a social media whore.
Book Update:
If you are an Amazon Prime Member, you can borrow my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat for free right now. If you're not an Amazon Prime Member, the book is still full price, but totally worth it. If you want to buy the book for anything BUT a Kindle, you're going to have a problem for a bit. In order to make it a free borrow, Amazon requires me not to sell the book anywhere else. So . . . sorry about that non-Amazon people. I will let you know once it's all back online again for everyone.
Top Read Posts This Week:
PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents - Even though my kids have wonderful grandparents I still had to make a list of rules, just because I enjoy making lists of rules. I was pleased to share this one with HuffingtonPost Parents this week as well.
Judgmental People Who Don't Think They're Judgmental - This is on old one, but I thought it was worth repeating, because I'm seeing more and more holier than thou people and it's driving me batty. If you're an asshat, just own it. That's all I ask.
Goodbye "30 Rock" It's Been Fun Chatting with You - My BFF Tina Fey spoke to me one last time on the series finale of her show.
I Was Interviewed! - Kim from Let Me Start By Saying interviewed me. She's a great blogger and an even better interviewer!
Which Downton Character are You? - I love Downton Abbey and I'm always trying to figure out which Crawley sister I am. After taking the official PBS Downton Abbey test I was told I am "Violet." Makes sense. I'm a sassy old lady. It was a red letter week for me when HuffingtonPost TV ran this one as well. Two in one week! I think HP might have a secret crush on me!
My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):
Loved this! Kim, I had no idea you were such a talented interviewer. You've been holding out on me. Love the way you two played off each other. And I had no idea RachRiot was such a blog whore. I thought she and I had something special. Day-yam. on I Was Interviewed!
Looks like RachRiot has some explaining to do.
Thanks for answering all my questions! I think the cool thing about Gone Girl is that you hate both main characters, and you struggle with that feeling the rest of the book. It's our Book Club for Thursday's meeting, and I look forward to a very lively conversation. Not liking Seinfeld disturbs me. Not even The Contest? Nothing?? Please stop using the phrase "placenta pills" so I can stop throwing up in my mouth. Thank you. on I Was Interviewed!
Two of my favorites in one place! I love it! I wish I could have been the P.A. that fetches water during that interview. on I Was Interviewed!
I was crazy thirsty answering those questions. I wish I would have known I could have had a P.A. to bring me a drink! Next time for sure!
Next time you're reading a library book, think of this: Once, my kid dropped a library book in the toilet. When I called the library to see how much it was going to cost me, they suggested I let it dry and RETURN IT. I didn't, but it certainly makes me look at library books differently. I still read them. I'm not above toilet books, as long as they're free. on I Was Interviewed!
Right after I read this comment I took a closer look at my book and I noticed a brown fleck dried on the page. I skipped that page.
Why is it that only women seem to write funny and intelligent blogs? All the blogs I find by men are about gadgets, fashion, cars and how to bang hot chicks (in case you're wondering, it apparently takes gadgets, fashion and cars). Enjoy both of your writing a lot! on I Was Interviewed!
Please note. This comment was made by a man. A very smart man. Who is not my husband.
Can I one-up EVERYONE here? My FIL was suspected of child molestation (not my kids, thank goodness) and we were not allowing him to see our kids. My mother was watching my 3yo, had strict instructions NOT to allow my FIL to see him, and lo and behold she took him over to my in-laws house and left him there all afternoon because she "felt bad he never got to see the grandkids". WTF????? on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents
Yup. You win. WTF??
Make my children keep up their personal hygiene at your house too! You made me brush my teeth and shower everyday. Bad breath and dirt do not skip a generation. Oh, and for goodness sake, make them brush their hair. It takes my girls' hair 2.3 seconds to turn into a tumbleweed on top of their head. on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents
I think everyone has their own miracle cure. My grandpa put Ben-Gay on everything, including skin cancer. My mom; rubbing alcohol. My husband; ice. Me? I say "you're dehydrated. drink a glass of water". on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents
My son never knew his grandparents, they were all deceased long before he was born. I'd give anything for him to have been "spoiled" by grandparents on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents
I like to think I'm the Dowager Countess of Grantham with my sarcasm and biting wit, but I'm probably more like Isobel Crawley. Annoyingly liberal, helpful and optimistic, but I get my subtle and clever jabs in there when necessary. on Which Downton Character Are You?
Some days, I'm Ethel...not because I'm a prostitute, but because every time Ethel is on the screen, I find myself saying "Oh, Ethel, you're gonna regret that!" and there are so very, very many days when I rue every single freaking decision I make. on Which Downton Character Are You?
In my opinion, the world needs a little more sarcasm and a little less self-righteousness. I totally heart your blog. on Judgmental People Who Don't Think THEY'RE Judgmental
I wish there was a like button for comments. They are hysterical. Also, isn't your title for the sake of sarcasm??? I don't think you literally want to punch everyone in the throat...it's F-U-N-N-Y! on Judgmental People Who Don't Think THEY'RE Judgmental
Everyone is judgmental in some way, shape or form. However, you make it funny. I bet "Judy" is reading your blog right now because once you start you just can't stop. ;) on Judgmental People Who Don't Think THEY'RE Judgmental
February 1, 2013
Goodbye "30 Rock" It's Been Fun Chatting
Did you watch the end of "30 Rock" last night? You know I did.
I'm sure this is a bittersweet moment for my BFF Tina. I'm sure she's happy to move on and try new things, but I'm guessing she's a little sad, because she can longer talk to me through her TV show. See, since she never picked up the phone and took me up on my offer for a hoagie sandwich lunch, she's been communicating with me through her show "30 Rock."
Sure, it's a bit subtle, but I see the messages that are there for me. Last night she gave me one last acknowledgment. When Kenneth the Page and Liz Lemon were having a conversation about the possibility of Liz starting a new show based on her life, Kenneth showed her his list of Kenneth's TV No-No Words and he pointed to - OK in the vicinity of - one in particular: BLOG.
So, let's break this down. Last February I wrote Tina a letter telling her that I'd like to be her friend, grab a bite together, maybe a massage, but I promise I'm not a creeper. No response. But wait! A few months later, "30 Rock" airs with some pretty bold messages for me indicating that Tina and I share the same fashion sense and the love of "A" names for our children. And then finally, last night as a final send off, Tina sent me one last message that was basically: "Jen, you are my favorite BLOG to read, but I'm just too shy to call you."
Please vote for me at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms. All I need is one vote from each of you and then I could shut up forever.
I'm sure this is a bittersweet moment for my BFF Tina. I'm sure she's happy to move on and try new things, but I'm guessing she's a little sad, because she can longer talk to me through her TV show. See, since she never picked up the phone and took me up on my offer for a hoagie sandwich lunch, she's been communicating with me through her show "30 Rock."
Sure, it's a bit subtle, but I see the messages that are there for me. Last night she gave me one last acknowledgment. When Kenneth the Page and Liz Lemon were having a conversation about the possibility of Liz starting a new show based on her life, Kenneth showed her his list of Kenneth's TV No-No Words and he pointed to - OK in the vicinity of - one in particular: BLOG.
So, let's break this down. Last February I wrote Tina a letter telling her that I'd like to be her friend, grab a bite together, maybe a massage, but I promise I'm not a creeper. No response. But wait! A few months later, "30 Rock" airs with some pretty bold messages for me indicating that Tina and I share the same fashion sense and the love of "A" names for our children. And then finally, last night as a final send off, Tina sent me one last message that was basically: "Jen, you are my favorite BLOG to read, but I'm just too shy to call you."
Please vote for me at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms. All I need is one vote from each of you and then I could shut up forever.
January 31, 2013
Which Downton Character Are You?
I am a huge fan of "Downton Abbey" and I have spoilers in this post, so if you are not yet caught up, go watch it now and come back. And if you haven't yet seen it. Ugh. Get on Netflix right now and get caught up. You can thank me later.
I missed the first two seasons and had to catch up on DVD once I realized my error. I'm not sure what took me so long. This show is right up my alley:
Historical drama - check.
Beautiful house - check.
English countryside - check.
Soap opera plot - check.
It has everything I love in a TV show. I enjoy a good TV show or movie or book, because I love to escape reality. It's not like my reality is so bad, but who wouldn't want to imagine living in a gorgeous mansion in the English countryside surrounded by a devoted and loyal staff who anticipate my every need? Duh.
When I watch shows like "Downton" I like to imagine that I'm just like one of the characters in the story. Usually, it's the heroine (because really, who wants to be Daisy?). For several episodes I've gone back and forth trying to figure out which character I'm most like. I'm, of course, one of the Crawley sisters. I can't be a maid. I like Anna just fine, but I'm not going to escape my reality for her life. Nope. I'm a Crawley, for sure, but which one?
There's Mary. She's the oldest. I'm the oldest. Her parents adore her. My parents think I'm swell. She's got men courting her all the time. I get courted a lot too. At seven months pregnant I got hit on by a couple of high school boys and invited to a party if I brought beer. (Best. Day. Ever.) She's a bit bossy. I'm a bit bossy. She's flawlessly gorgeous. I'm decent looking. She's kind of a bitch. I'm kind of . . . Wait. I don't want to be Mary.
There's Sybil. She's a free spirit. I'm a free spirit. She's not afraid of hard work and she becomes a nurse during the war. I'm not afraid of hard work, but I am afraid of blood so I couldn't be a nurse. She gets romanced by the hot foreign chauffeur and whisked away from her family to start a new life. The Hubs is not a hot foreign chauffeur, but he likes to drive me places and he is an immigrant, so that's pretty close. Sybil's going to be a mother. I'm a mother. Sybil . . . is dead?? Sybil died!!! They killed Sybil. I can't even believe it. Great. Now I can't be Sybil.
So, who's left? Oh yeah, what's-her-name.
Edith. The middle daughter. The angry one who likes to stir up trouble. I'm angry and I like to stir up trouble. Edith worries about being a spinster. If the Hubs ever left me I'd totally be a spinster. There is no one else in the world who could love me. I'm sure of it - even old codgers with bum arms. Edith can't have breakfast in bed. I never get breakfast in bed. After she gets jilted at the altar (thank goodness we don't have that in common) Edith drags herself out of bed and writes an op-ed to the newspaper about women's voting rights. I write about women's rights. Damn. I'm Edith. I'm the frumpy, cross, homely writer one who can't eat breakfast in bed.
On second though, maybe I'll just be Mrs. Bird.
Which "Downton" character are you?
I could use some votes in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest. Otherwise I'll be forced to start a food blog, because I've heard that contest is so much easier to win.
I missed the first two seasons and had to catch up on DVD once I realized my error. I'm not sure what took me so long. This show is right up my alley:
Historical drama - check.
Beautiful house - check.
English countryside - check.
Soap opera plot - check.
It has everything I love in a TV show. I enjoy a good TV show or movie or book, because I love to escape reality. It's not like my reality is so bad, but who wouldn't want to imagine living in a gorgeous mansion in the English countryside surrounded by a devoted and loyal staff who anticipate my every need? Duh.
When I watch shows like "Downton" I like to imagine that I'm just like one of the characters in the story. Usually, it's the heroine (because really, who wants to be Daisy?). For several episodes I've gone back and forth trying to figure out which character I'm most like. I'm, of course, one of the Crawley sisters. I can't be a maid. I like Anna just fine, but I'm not going to escape my reality for her life. Nope. I'm a Crawley, for sure, but which one?
There's Mary. She's the oldest. I'm the oldest. Her parents adore her. My parents think I'm swell. She's got men courting her all the time. I get courted a lot too. At seven months pregnant I got hit on by a couple of high school boys and invited to a party if I brought beer. (Best. Day. Ever.) She's a bit bossy. I'm a bit bossy. She's flawlessly gorgeous. I'm decent looking. She's kind of a bitch. I'm kind of . . . Wait. I don't want to be Mary.
There's Sybil. She's a free spirit. I'm a free spirit. She's not afraid of hard work and she becomes a nurse during the war. I'm not afraid of hard work, but I am afraid of blood so I couldn't be a nurse. She gets romanced by the hot foreign chauffeur and whisked away from her family to start a new life. The Hubs is not a hot foreign chauffeur, but he likes to drive me places and he is an immigrant, so that's pretty close. Sybil's going to be a mother. I'm a mother. Sybil . . . is dead?? Sybil died!!! They killed Sybil. I can't even believe it. Great. Now I can't be Sybil.
So, who's left? Oh yeah, what's-her-name.
Edith. The middle daughter. The angry one who likes to stir up trouble. I'm angry and I like to stir up trouble. Edith worries about being a spinster. If the Hubs ever left me I'd totally be a spinster. There is no one else in the world who could love me. I'm sure of it - even old codgers with bum arms. Edith can't have breakfast in bed. I never get breakfast in bed. After she gets jilted at the altar (thank goodness we don't have that in common) Edith drags herself out of bed and writes an op-ed to the newspaper about women's voting rights. I write about women's rights. Damn. I'm Edith. I'm the frumpy, cross, homely writer one who can't eat breakfast in bed.
On second though, maybe I'll just be Mrs. Bird.
Which "Downton" character are you?
I could use some votes in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest. Otherwise I'll be forced to start a food blog, because I've heard that contest is so much easier to win.
January 29, 2013
I Was Interviewed!
Today I was interviewed by Kim f
rom
Let Me Start By Saying
.
I had the pleasure of meeting Kim last summer in Chicago at BlogHer. I am quite short and so I immediately befriended Kim, because I'm no dummy. She's a giantess and the crowds were thick. She could always tell me which way I needed to head for the bar and/or the bathroom. Kim has graciously offered to interview me for . . . wait, where will this interview be appearing, Kim? Hmm . . . I'm pretty sure it's for a well-known magazine or something, right?
K: I should begin by informing the readers that we have met in person before.
So let me ask you this: How does it feel to ride eye-to-boob in a crowded elevator? Does being the size of a Tostito have its perks?
J: I've been the shortest person in the room since fourth grade so I barely notice anymore. I am constantly bobbing in a sea of boobs and sometimes even asses if the people around me are really tall. I wouldn't know what to do with a different view. Crowded elevators are the worst though - especially when I'm trapped with hyperventilating people who are almost pooping their extra tall pants. Sometimes I stand on a stool just so I can see what the rest of you see and it makes me dizzy. Being short does have its perks. No one ever asks me to get out of my comfy spot to reach anything off the top shelf. I'm useless to most people.
K: What’s the best response you’ve received when someone discovered that you are the Jen of PIWTPITT? Did you swear them to secrecy about your true identity, or simply murder them and hide the bodies?
J: Over the summer, I hosted a party for my readers and I drove to the restaurant with a few friends. I had picked them up in the minivan Honda had sent me to try out and I was showing them all the features (slidey doors!) when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you Jen?" At first I was going to deny it like I always do, but then I realized, This is my party I can't hide any longer! So I replied, "Yes." She said, "I knew it! How many women in cargo pants and Crocs would be out here showing off the features of a minivan?"
The word is getting out, but so far she's the only stranger who has recognized me - and lived to tell the story.
K: You’re obviously known for your rants. Were you ranty as a kid, or just as an adult? When did you leap from your Rant Closet?
J: I don't think I was a ranty kid. (My parents might disagree.) I think I probably started ranting in high school, because high school sucked balls. I have several friends from college who read this blog and they have told me that reading my blog is like listening to my dorm room rants so I know I was definitely ranty by college. I didn't really leap from the Rant Closet until April 2011 when I started the blog. That's when my Official Reign of Rant began.
K: Which makes you angrier: people who order their coffee Extra Hot, or the existence of celebrity moms?
J: Duh. What do you think? As long as the Extra Hot coffee people are ready with their order when it's their turn, I could care less about them, but what the hell is a "celebrity mom" anyway? Like Jessica Alba. What is she famous for? Honestly? Why is she a celebrity mom? All she does it put her baby in $600 shoes for trips to the farmer's market. Blech. By the way, did you see my favorite celebrity mom, January Jones is losing her hair now? She's blaming it on hair dye, but I'm going to blame it on her placenta pills.
K: Which is your favorite "Seinfeld" episode?
J: I actually hate "Seinfeld." I might be the only person in America who feels this way, but I'm OK with that. I think Jerry is a whiner, George gives me the heebie jeebies, crazy guy across the hall (what's his name?) is crazy and Elaine was annoying.
K: Your book, Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch on the Throat, raced to the top of the Amazon.com charts not long after its release. Did you think this would be the first kind of book you’d write, or did you expect to be the author of something different? Any plans for other books?
J: Before I started writing my blog I always assumed I'd write fiction. Fiction is my first love and I never even thought of writing a non-fiction book. Once the blog took off, I realized I'd be an idiot not to write a non-fiction book. No one comes here for my riveting YA or children's book about The Gingerbread Ninja. I'm always working on fictional material, but the non-fiction takes precedent since that's what sells and it's what comes easiest to me to me now. (Gratuitous plug: My book is now available for free borrow for Amazon Prime members.)
K: What secret talents do you have? Any freaking biological anomalies?
J: I'm a closet crafter. I can wield a glue gun like a champ. I'm not very good at coming up with the ideas, but I can copy just about anything on Etsy or Pinterest. Adolpha is super crafty too so we like to spend our free time in our fully stocked craft room in the basement getting our glitter on.
K: Writing is a tough business. Is there anything you keep in your office to inspire your writing, or at least keep you sane?
J: Just my wall of pictures of you, Kim. You can stop sending them to me, I have plenty now. I tend to write a lot on my lap top in a chair in the corner of my bedroom, unless I need to get busy. If I have a deadline or I need to write all day then I need to be downstairs in my office, at my desk with my music playing (preferably nothing with words I know otherwise I'll start singing along and suddenly my rant is an "Air Supply" song). My office is very plain and I don't have much to inspire me. Maybe that's my problem. When I need new ideas I troll around Pinterest or Twitter and just follow threads to see what people are talking about. I have an entire secret board on Pinterest called Things to Make Fun Of. That board inspires me a lot.
K: What’s the nicest thing someone has said to you, ever?
J: "Will you marry me?" Awwww, Hubs . . . I know - ick - but it was really nice of him to ask me.
K: What was the meanest thing someone ever said to you on your blog? Did you hunt him/her down and deliver a guerrilla-style throat punch?
J: I get quite a few mean comments. My favorites are the ones with correct grammar, punctuation and spelling because they are such a rarity!
I've been told I'm a terrible mother, I'm a bitch, I'm ugly, and God don't love me (their eloquent words, not mine). The ones that piss me off the most are the negative comments from men. I have lots of normal, easy going men with senses of humor who read this blog, but whenever I write about women's reproductive rights or Joe Paterno or male politicians or douchey dads, I get men coming out of the woodwork telling me to "get back to what you know: babies and boobies" or some stupid shit like that. (I'm getting angry right now writing about them.) Those guys are domineering assholes with tiny dicks who have entirely too much time to complain about me on a blog that's about - in their words - babies and boobies. What the hell are they even doing here if all I write about are babies and boobies? What a bunch of fucking creepers.
I also hate, hate, hate the comments about my kids' names. My response to that: Reading is fundamental. Why don't you read the Who is Jen? section before you start bitching about Gomer and Adolpha's names? Do a little research before you start in with your idiotic comments because you look like an ass.
I don't hunt down mean commenters, because luckily I have the best readers in the world who put the smack down on a troll as soon as they open their dirty mouth. Sometimes the dust up is over before I even knew it started. I also like to call them out for the occasional public flogging in my weekly wrap ups.
K: I love that you put some of your favorite reader comments in your weekly summaries. Do you have one long-time favorite that you can’t get enough of?
J: There are two readers who come to mind and I hope they don't mind me using their names. I always laugh at the comments from Devan and RachRiot. When I read the comments, I don't usually notice who they're from until I think, "Yup, that one's a winner" and then I realize it's Devan or RachRiot. There have been some weeks where I have to stop myself from putting RachRiot in twice. She's just that good. I have a favorite Twitter commenter too. That's Jen.
K: You’re a big reader. Do you buy and keep books to read again, or borrow and just read once?
J: Before I had kids I bought books and I'd read my favorites over and over again. Once I had kids I stopped buying books because I couldn't afford them anymore (damn kids and their need for diapers and food). I had several years I couldn't even pick up a book because I was so damn tired from taking care of my babies and working. It wasn't until Adolpha was about two years that I finally knew I had to carve out some time for myself every day to read. I started buying books again and the Hubs quickly put the kibosh on that (remember, he's a cheap bastard). He introduced me to this amazing place I had heard of, but had never really been to. It's called The Library.
It's actually good that I borrow books, because then I'm motivated to read them before they're due. There are still a few that I've checked out from the library, but then I've had to go out and buy because I know I'll want to read them again. I got a tablet this year and I've been downloading tons of free e-books too. Have I mentioned that my book is available to Amazon Prime members for a free loan? Because it is.
K: What’s the best book you’ve read recently (you’re not allowed to say the title of your own book)?
J: Hmm . . . if I can't say mine, can I say the title of yours? (Part of My World by Kim Bongiorno only 99 cents on Amazon.) This is hard. I just finished Ready Player One and I liked that one a lot. Oh! I've got it. I re-read The Passage, because the newest one in the series is out and I wanted a refresher. I really like that book a lot. I'm trying to get through Gone Girl right now. I was struggling to get into it, but so many people told me to hang on and I'm happy I did. It's starting to get good now, but I really dislike both of the main characters. Is that normal?
K: Is there anything you are not willing to write about because of your kids? Your husband? Your scarily-obsessed-with-Christmas mom?
J: Hmm . . . my kids would prefer I didn't give them made up names, but I won't change that. My husband loves being a punching bag on here. In fact, tonight he pitched a new book for me to write: all about him. Yawn. My parents are great sports and know that I'm teasing them out of love. I don't write about my brother C.B. (and I could write a whole series about him) because he's a very private person and he wouldn't find it funny.
K: Would you rather use a public bathroom with your daughter or make out with Ke$ha?
J: Choices, choices. If it's a gross gas station bathroom, I'll take my chances with Ke$ha.
K: Do you prefer chocolate or coffee?
J: Since I am a tea drinker, I will always choose anything over coffee.
K: Adam Levine or Ryan Gosling?
J: These are my choices? Two pretty boys who require more grooming than most women? Nah, I choose Jon Hamm in his "Mad Men" wardrobe.
K: What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?
J: "The Shining" scares the crap out of me. Just writing this I'm thinking "redrum" and "come play with us."
K: Do you paint your toenails? Ever use glittery flower stickers on them?
J: I only paint my toenails in the summer time. I like to get pedicures in the summer when my tootsies are showing. In the winter, they just suffer in socks. I don't think it will surprise you to know that I don't like to do anything fancy like glittery flower stickers. That's Adolpha's territory.
K: Finally, what are your goals with writing and your blog for 2013? Will you take some time off, or take over the world?
J: I'm still on my World Domination track at this point, I'm planning for total domination in 2015.
My goals for 2013 are the following:
Blog - Continue to write a couple of times a week and grow my readership.
Books - Early spring: As-yet untitled anthology of super funny ladies (including Kim). These will be humorous essays about motherhood and/or womanhood.
Late summer: Going to School with People I Want to Punch in the Throat - Class pictures, bullies, room moms and parents who think teachers are giving out too much homework.
Summerish: Help Gomer finish a children's book that he's been working on.
Fallish: Buy Adolpha something so she won't be pissed that her brother has a book and she doesn't.
By the way, BOTH Kim and I are in the Circle of Moms contest for Top 25 Funny Moms, so please go vote for us or we'll have to stop being funny. Thanks.
K: I should begin by informing the readers that we have met in person before.
So let me ask you this: How does it feel to ride eye-to-boob in a crowded elevator? Does being the size of a Tostito have its perks?
J: I've been the shortest person in the room since fourth grade so I barely notice anymore. I am constantly bobbing in a sea of boobs and sometimes even asses if the people around me are really tall. I wouldn't know what to do with a different view. Crowded elevators are the worst though - especially when I'm trapped with hyperventilating people who are almost pooping their extra tall pants. Sometimes I stand on a stool just so I can see what the rest of you see and it makes me dizzy. Being short does have its perks. No one ever asks me to get out of my comfy spot to reach anything off the top shelf. I'm useless to most people.
K: What’s the best response you’ve received when someone discovered that you are the Jen of PIWTPITT? Did you swear them to secrecy about your true identity, or simply murder them and hide the bodies?
J: Over the summer, I hosted a party for my readers and I drove to the restaurant with a few friends. I had picked them up in the minivan Honda had sent me to try out and I was showing them all the features (slidey doors!) when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you Jen?" At first I was going to deny it like I always do, but then I realized, This is my party I can't hide any longer! So I replied, "Yes." She said, "I knew it! How many women in cargo pants and Crocs would be out here showing off the features of a minivan?"
The word is getting out, but so far she's the only stranger who has recognized me - and lived to tell the story.
K: You’re obviously known for your rants. Were you ranty as a kid, or just as an adult? When did you leap from your Rant Closet?
J: I don't think I was a ranty kid. (My parents might disagree.) I think I probably started ranting in high school, because high school sucked balls. I have several friends from college who read this blog and they have told me that reading my blog is like listening to my dorm room rants so I know I was definitely ranty by college. I didn't really leap from the Rant Closet until April 2011 when I started the blog. That's when my Official Reign of Rant began.
K: Which makes you angrier: people who order their coffee Extra Hot, or the existence of celebrity moms?
J: Duh. What do you think? As long as the Extra Hot coffee people are ready with their order when it's their turn, I could care less about them, but what the hell is a "celebrity mom" anyway? Like Jessica Alba. What is she famous for? Honestly? Why is she a celebrity mom? All she does it put her baby in $600 shoes for trips to the farmer's market. Blech. By the way, did you see my favorite celebrity mom, January Jones is losing her hair now? She's blaming it on hair dye, but I'm going to blame it on her placenta pills.
K: Which is your favorite "Seinfeld" episode?
J: I actually hate "Seinfeld." I might be the only person in America who feels this way, but I'm OK with that. I think Jerry is a whiner, George gives me the heebie jeebies, crazy guy across the hall (what's his name?) is crazy and Elaine was annoying.
K: Your book, Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch on the Throat, raced to the top of the Amazon.com charts not long after its release. Did you think this would be the first kind of book you’d write, or did you expect to be the author of something different? Any plans for other books?
J: Before I started writing my blog I always assumed I'd write fiction. Fiction is my first love and I never even thought of writing a non-fiction book. Once the blog took off, I realized I'd be an idiot not to write a non-fiction book. No one comes here for my riveting YA or children's book about The Gingerbread Ninja. I'm always working on fictional material, but the non-fiction takes precedent since that's what sells and it's what comes easiest to me to me now. (Gratuitous plug: My book is now available for free borrow for Amazon Prime members.)
K: What secret talents do you have? Any freaking biological anomalies?
J: I'm a closet crafter. I can wield a glue gun like a champ. I'm not very good at coming up with the ideas, but I can copy just about anything on Etsy or Pinterest. Adolpha is super crafty too so we like to spend our free time in our fully stocked craft room in the basement getting our glitter on.
K: Writing is a tough business. Is there anything you keep in your office to inspire your writing, or at least keep you sane?
J: Just my wall of pictures of you, Kim. You can stop sending them to me, I have plenty now. I tend to write a lot on my lap top in a chair in the corner of my bedroom, unless I need to get busy. If I have a deadline or I need to write all day then I need to be downstairs in my office, at my desk with my music playing (preferably nothing with words I know otherwise I'll start singing along and suddenly my rant is an "Air Supply" song). My office is very plain and I don't have much to inspire me. Maybe that's my problem. When I need new ideas I troll around Pinterest or Twitter and just follow threads to see what people are talking about. I have an entire secret board on Pinterest called Things to Make Fun Of. That board inspires me a lot.
K: What’s the nicest thing someone has said to you, ever?
J: "Will you marry me?" Awwww, Hubs . . . I know - ick - but it was really nice of him to ask me.
K: What was the meanest thing someone ever said to you on your blog? Did you hunt him/her down and deliver a guerrilla-style throat punch?
J: I get quite a few mean comments. My favorites are the ones with correct grammar, punctuation and spelling because they are such a rarity!
I've been told I'm a terrible mother, I'm a bitch, I'm ugly, and God don't love me (their eloquent words, not mine). The ones that piss me off the most are the negative comments from men. I have lots of normal, easy going men with senses of humor who read this blog, but whenever I write about women's reproductive rights or Joe Paterno or male politicians or douchey dads, I get men coming out of the woodwork telling me to "get back to what you know: babies and boobies" or some stupid shit like that. (I'm getting angry right now writing about them.) Those guys are domineering assholes with tiny dicks who have entirely too much time to complain about me on a blog that's about - in their words - babies and boobies. What the hell are they even doing here if all I write about are babies and boobies? What a bunch of fucking creepers.
I also hate, hate, hate the comments about my kids' names. My response to that: Reading is fundamental. Why don't you read the Who is Jen? section before you start bitching about Gomer and Adolpha's names? Do a little research before you start in with your idiotic comments because you look like an ass.
I don't hunt down mean commenters, because luckily I have the best readers in the world who put the smack down on a troll as soon as they open their dirty mouth. Sometimes the dust up is over before I even knew it started. I also like to call them out for the occasional public flogging in my weekly wrap ups.
K: I love that you put some of your favorite reader comments in your weekly summaries. Do you have one long-time favorite that you can’t get enough of?
J: There are two readers who come to mind and I hope they don't mind me using their names. I always laugh at the comments from Devan and RachRiot. When I read the comments, I don't usually notice who they're from until I think, "Yup, that one's a winner" and then I realize it's Devan or RachRiot. There have been some weeks where I have to stop myself from putting RachRiot in twice. She's just that good. I have a favorite Twitter commenter too. That's Jen.
K: You’re a big reader. Do you buy and keep books to read again, or borrow and just read once?
J: Before I had kids I bought books and I'd read my favorites over and over again. Once I had kids I stopped buying books because I couldn't afford them anymore (damn kids and their need for diapers and food). I had several years I couldn't even pick up a book because I was so damn tired from taking care of my babies and working. It wasn't until Adolpha was about two years that I finally knew I had to carve out some time for myself every day to read. I started buying books again and the Hubs quickly put the kibosh on that (remember, he's a cheap bastard). He introduced me to this amazing place I had heard of, but had never really been to. It's called The Library.
It's actually good that I borrow books, because then I'm motivated to read them before they're due. There are still a few that I've checked out from the library, but then I've had to go out and buy because I know I'll want to read them again. I got a tablet this year and I've been downloading tons of free e-books too. Have I mentioned that my book is available to Amazon Prime members for a free loan? Because it is.
K: What’s the best book you’ve read recently (you’re not allowed to say the title of your own book)?
J: Hmm . . . if I can't say mine, can I say the title of yours? (Part of My World by Kim Bongiorno only 99 cents on Amazon.) This is hard. I just finished Ready Player One and I liked that one a lot. Oh! I've got it. I re-read The Passage, because the newest one in the series is out and I wanted a refresher. I really like that book a lot. I'm trying to get through Gone Girl right now. I was struggling to get into it, but so many people told me to hang on and I'm happy I did. It's starting to get good now, but I really dislike both of the main characters. Is that normal?
K: Is there anything you are not willing to write about because of your kids? Your husband? Your scarily-obsessed-with-Christmas mom?
J: Hmm . . . my kids would prefer I didn't give them made up names, but I won't change that. My husband loves being a punching bag on here. In fact, tonight he pitched a new book for me to write: all about him. Yawn. My parents are great sports and know that I'm teasing them out of love. I don't write about my brother C.B. (and I could write a whole series about him) because he's a very private person and he wouldn't find it funny.
K: Would you rather use a public bathroom with your daughter or make out with Ke$ha?
J: Choices, choices. If it's a gross gas station bathroom, I'll take my chances with Ke$ha.
K: Do you prefer chocolate or coffee?
J: Since I am a tea drinker, I will always choose anything over coffee.
K: Adam Levine or Ryan Gosling?
J: These are my choices? Two pretty boys who require more grooming than most women? Nah, I choose Jon Hamm in his "Mad Men" wardrobe.
K: What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?
J: "The Shining" scares the crap out of me. Just writing this I'm thinking "redrum" and "come play with us."
K: Do you paint your toenails? Ever use glittery flower stickers on them?
J: I only paint my toenails in the summer time. I like to get pedicures in the summer when my tootsies are showing. In the winter, they just suffer in socks. I don't think it will surprise you to know that I don't like to do anything fancy like glittery flower stickers. That's Adolpha's territory.
K: Finally, what are your goals with writing and your blog for 2013? Will you take some time off, or take over the world?
J: I'm still on my World Domination track at this point, I'm planning for total domination in 2015.
My goals for 2013 are the following:
Blog - Continue to write a couple of times a week and grow my readership.
Books - Early spring: As-yet untitled anthology of super funny ladies (including Kim). These will be humorous essays about motherhood and/or womanhood.
Late summer: Going to School with People I Want to Punch in the Throat - Class pictures, bullies, room moms and parents who think teachers are giving out too much homework.
Summerish: Help Gomer finish a children's book that he's been working on.
Fallish: Buy Adolpha something so she won't be pissed that her brother has a book and she doesn't.
By the way, BOTH Kim and I are in the Circle of Moms contest for Top 25 Funny Moms, so please go vote for us or we'll have to stop being funny. Thanks.
