Jen Mann's Blog, page 45

It Might Be a Tumor

I just completed another week of my work out.  I've worked hard and been faithful every week.  How does my body repay me?  By rebelling.  I have a pain in my leg that has been bothering me since before I started this workout and now it just throbs all day long.  It was really bothering me Monday night and so I did what any normal person with pain would do.  I Googled it.



So, I came up with two possible diagnoses:



1.  Sciatica.  I heard horror stories about this debilitating condition while I was pregnant.  Every woman I came into contact with with regale me with her story of pregnancy-induced sciatica.  She would explain in detail how much it hurt and where and when and why.  Finally, she would tell me, the only relief was to deliver her 12 pound bundle of joy.  Since I am not pregnant - really, I'm not.  I know it seems like I'm giving a lot of weird symptoms and hints to doctors appointments that could imply I am pregnant, but I swear I am not - since I am not pregnant, I don't have a chance at relief if I can't deliver a 10+ pound baby!




So, it must be number two:



2.  It's a "toomer."  Why is it always a tumor?  I swear, I could tell Google that I have a bulge on my toe and Google would say it's either a corn or it's a tumor.  Sitting up at midnight reading about tumors is never pleasant to consider, so I scheduled an appointment with a masseuse so she could work on my sciatica.



When I arrived at my workout this week, I told Kris that I have sciatica - or a tumor - but either way she's killing me.  She laughed.  (Who laughs at a sick woman?)  "You don't have either," she explained.  "Your IT band is tight."



"I don't even think I have an IT band," I replied.  "It didn't come up in any of my Google searches."



"Yes you do!"



She showed me some (ridiculously painful) exercises (that are working) to help reduce the pain and told me stop diagnosing myself.



She's worth every penny.





Photo: fitsugar

How NOT to Make a New Friend

After yesterday's post I got to thinking.  How do you go about inviting another mom out for coffee or a playdate at the park?  I have no idea.  But I do know what you SHOULDN'T say.




PIWTPITT's Top 15 Opening Lines You Should NOT Use to Meet a New Mom Friend



1.  "Would your daughter like to come over to my house for a sleepover?  My husband really enjoys little girls."



2.  "Hi, I'm Jen and this is Adolpha.  What are you doing for the rest of the day, because we'd like to hang."



3.  "Your hair is really pretty.  Can I braid it for you?"



4.  "Friday is my anniversary and I'm looking for a place for my kids to go for a sleepover that night.  Do you live close by?"



5.  "I like your pants.  What size do you wear?  Wanna trade?"



6.  "Is that your son that my son is biting?  Aww . . . Gomer loves meeting new friends."



7.  "I'm sorry, but did you just call your kid Steel?  That is the dumbest name I've ever heard."



8.  "I like your minivan.  Can I sit inside it for a while?"



9.  "You're not on a sex offender list or anything, right?  'Cause I'm totally not."



10.  "My kids are at school all day.  I just like to come to the park to meet new women."



11.  "You seem normal.  Are you normal?"



12.  "You want to invite me and my kids to lunch, but you're afraid I'll say 'No,' right?  Don't worry!  I will totally say 'Yes.'  Especially if you're paying.  Kidding!  No, I'm not."



13.  "Just think, if our kids hit it off we could share grandchildren someday."



14.  "Are your kids adopted?  They don't look anything like you."



15.  "Can I hold your baby?"





I know you have some, so let's hear them!

Friends Are Hard to Find - Part 2

A few months ago, I wrote my list of rules for moms at playdates.  Apparently I need to amend these rules and add:  When someone tries to invite your child over to her house, don't be a twat.



The other night I was out with my friend, Sandy, and she told me about the angst she's having trying to arrange playdates for her youngest daughter.



Her youngest is in half day Kindergartener this year and she's anxious to have some friends over to play in the afternoons.  There aren't too many girls to choose from because the class is heavy on boys.  Sandy asked a couple of moms if their daughters could come and play and they had various (normal) reasons why they couldn't come over - dance class, gymnastic class, etc.  And then Sandy asked this other mom:



"Can Drusilla come over one day this week and play with Olive?" Sandy asked.



"I don't know you," was the reply she got.



"Oh.  I'm sorry.  I thought we met at various school functions already this year.  I'm Sandy.  I'm Olive's mother."



"Yes.  I know who you are.  But I don't know you."



Sandy was dumbfounded.  She had no idea how to reply to this.



"Well, like I said, I'm Olive's mother.  Olive would love to have Drusilla over to play."



"I'm not comfortable having Drusilla in your house.  I don't know you."



"Oh.  OK." Sandy was a tad offended.  After all, it's not like she's on any watch lists of any kind!



"I don't allow Drusilla to go to anyone's home that I don't know."



"OK.  How about this?  How about you and Drusilla come over?  I'll make some coffee and muffins and we can chat and you can get to know me while Olive and Drusilla play?" Sandy offered helpfully.



"I'm not comfortable with that either," she said.  "That means both Drusilla and I are in a stranger's home."



Sandy was at her wit's end.  She just wanted a friend for her daughter.  This was getting ridiculous.  What did this woman want from her???



"Look.  Then you tell me what you are comfortable with.  Olive would like to play with Drusilla outside of school.  How do you usually do that?" (Sandy is fucking saint.  At this point I would have told this woman to stuff herself.)



"We don't.  Drusilla only plays with people I know.  And.  I.  Don't.  Know.  You."



Now Sandy was ready to cry.  What a fucking bitch.  Who does this to someone??  Did I miss the news bulletin about the suburban moms who lure other suburban moms into their homes, dope them with tainted coffee and then steal their internal organs to sell on the black market?  Is there a burgeoning child sex slave ring in the heart of suburban Kansas City that I haven't heard about?



What is this woman's problem?  We are all wary of strangers and concerned about where our kids are going and who they will be with, but this woman is taking it too far.  If she doesn't want her kid to go to a stranger's house, then get to know Sandy so she's not a stranger anymore.  At least offer to meet at a fast food playland and risk a staph infection and have a cup of coffee with Sandy!



I think this also goes to my friends are hard to find post I wrote a few months ago.  Sandy isn't just looking for a friend for Olive, she's hoping to find another mom or two that she can relate to.  She'd love to have another friend or two that she could hang out with while the girls trash her house.



I don't know what this woman's problem is.  Maybe she truly is afraid of strangers.  If she's that afraid, she needs professional help.  And if she is that afraid, she needs to figure out a nicer, kinder way to explain her phobias, because Sandy took it personally.  Sandy felt like this woman didn't want to go to SANDY'S house and didn't want her daughter to be friends with SANDY'S daughter.  This woman made Sandy feel like shit.  And  now Olive still needs a playdate, so Olive feels bad too.



(Adolpha is in all day Kindergarten or else I'd have her at Sandy's every afternoon if she'd let me - I told you Sandy was a saint!)

Weekly Wrap Up 10.21.12

I just got back from spending the weekend in Omaha celebrating my grandfather's 90th birthday.  Our trip was . . . interesting.  Let's just say stay tuned for a post about that!





Top Read Posts This Week:




At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing - When I wrote this, I didn't even think for a moment that people might suspect I was pregnant until all the questions started coming in.  Let me put everyone's mind to rest (especially the Hubs'):  I.  Am. Not.  Pregnant.  I had a new Mirena inserted and the doctor wasn't confident it was in the right place and so that's why he ordered an ultrasound and no one told me it would be one that they shove up my hooha.  The tech found the Mirena right away and confirmed it was in the correct place, but she couldn't find my left ovary and that's when the fun really began as she explored my wonderland.  She never did find it.




Top 3 Reasons Why I Can't Go to the Gym - Just when I was thinking the gym sucked balls I decided to measure myself and I was so pleased with the results I went back.




Adolpha's Favorite Finger - Hint:  It's mine too.




Sexy Halloween Costumes - I'm a bit horrified how anything, including fruit and sticks of gum can be turned into sexpot Halloween costumes.  As I heard a young woman exclaim the other day, "Halloween is the only night I can get away with dressing like a skank!"  But the question still remains:  WHY?  When did skanks hijack Halloween?




Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - With about two months now until the big day, the Elf is gearing up for his "season."  I have no idea if this will be as popular this year as it was last year, but I can not get over how many places the Elf is now!  I went to Hallmark this week and it's an Elf explosion and so is Pottery Barn Kids - they have a 4 foot tall one!!  




Book Update:




Nook still is taking its own sweet time getting the book up and running.  I've discovered that this is nothing new.  Some authors are complaining that it has been months and their books are still not available.  I have complained to Nook and I know that many of you have complained to Nook, but it doesn't seem to do any good.  




The book is selling briskly and I'm currently a best seller on Amazon.  Not too shabby.  In fact, at one point this week I was beating J.K. Rowling's new book.  OK, it was the audio version of her book (her hard cover was kicking my ass soundly), but still close enough, right?   I really appreciate all of the reviews that everyone is leaving on Amazon, please keep 'em coming!  




Lots of people have told me that they would like to order signed copies for Christmas presents.  What a great idea!  Be sure to get your orders to me early so that I can ensure they will reach you in plenty of time.  




I've also been invited to be a guest at a book club that has chosen my book for their November selection. How cool is that?  I'm going to go and deface their books with my scrawl and try to keep them on the topic of my book (you know how book clubs get - they never talk about the book).  If you're in the Kansas City area and you'd like me to come to your book club, I am totally available - as long as it's not a cookie exchange too.




My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):




I had one of those to confirm my pregnancy.. The tech said, "you're not far enough along for the regular ultrasound. I'm going to have to use the probe." My reply: "ma'am, I've already been probed. That's how I ended up in this predicament." on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




My husband and I call this "the Bob Barker", had a transvaginal utrasound with all 3 kids. Seriously, we are done having kids because I can not spend more time in an Dr.'s office with one of those up my hooha while hubby repeats "Come on down!" over and over! on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




I am an ultrasound tech and its sooo funny to hear what people actually say about the transvaginal ultrasound. It's no picnic on our end either. I've seen 5 kinds of crotch rot, not to mention the smells! The lack of hygiene.. Oh I can't even go there! But when I confirm a pregnancy of someone who is desperately trying to concieve or find the ruptured ectopic that goes immediately to surgery, it makes a few unpleasantries here and there worth it. :0) by the way, I am so stealing the "Bob Barker!" Hilarious!! on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




First time I had the pleasure of one of these things being rammed into my junk I was 15 and a virgin. They told me the same tampon BS, but I'm pretty sure that thing popped my cherry. Ugh! on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




HAHA! This about made me pee my pants! Between my miscarriages and then infertility issues I have had at LEAST 30 of these in the last 8 years! NO LIE! Half of the techs that have administered them have me insert the wand, half just cram it in themselves. On top of that, my doctor has a new nurse every two months! It has become a common joke with my friends that I have only had one person in my almost 32 years cut my hair but I can't keep count of the number of people that have jammed a rod in me! Thanks for helping me laugh about it! on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




I had one of those stuck so far up me I finally told her that my tonsils had been gone for years so she could quit looking. on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




Had one done with each of my pregnancies, definitely awkward, but not as awkward as reminding them I'm allergic to latex. What no latex free condoms?!?!? Nope, they used a damn glove! Noting like seeing it wave at you just before insertion... on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




I had these every week for my pregnancy. Granted there were four babies, but the first time I was pretty freaked out by the wand. And when you are searching for four babies, it takes a really, really, really long time. As in I brought along a snack and they had to switch technicians half way through, like my vagina was some sort of overnight bus trip and we had to switch drivers. on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




I had this done when I was pregnant with my daughter 14 years ago, and afterwards asked my ob if we should smoke now, which rendered him speechless. on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




I had one pregnant. They inserted it for me. It was so strange - I almost faked an orgasm just because it felt like what I should do. on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




I worked with a nurse who had a transvaginal ultraound to confirm her 2nd pregnancy. The tech was young and pretty new and so she was awkwardly explaining what she needed to do and then pulled out the wand. My friend looks at her with a straight face and says: "Oh honey, that's not bad, my husband is way bigger than that!" LOL She said the poor tech turned 5 shades of red! on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




Seriously just got home from having this done.. The tech asked me if i'd prefer to insert myself or have it done for me, then comes the best slip of the tongue ever.. She says some patients enjoy doing it themselves then she turns red and says I meant prefer.. Not enjoy.. Omg.. Lmao.. At least I had something to laugh about.. Lol on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing




I saw a stack of mail sitting in the garage. I was like, oh, yesterdays mail, blah blah blah, then I spotted a book envelope on the bottom of the pile. My brain instanly clicked, I ran over there, grabbed the book envelope, sending all the other mail flying. I ripped it open like it was my publishers clearing house check (still waiting on that), and saw your book. I threw down the mailer and opened the cover as fast as I could. SMILE! My hubby laughed at me. Then I took the book to nap with me...didn't get to read any of it but it just napped with me. LOL (this sounds creepy, but I intended to read some - I was just too tired). Thanks Jen! on Buy My Book




I'm a great spooner.




OMGosh, Jen: You're freakin' hilarious. I can't believe it's taken me this long to find and read this post! I'm definitely buying you book! I'm sitting at work reading this post and laughing out loud....my coworkers keep looking at me weird! You're funnier than freak! :) Thanks for sharing! on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies




I'm glad you finally found me and my Elf.  Your co-workers have no idea what they're missing.  Be sure to let them in on the joke too!




When my son was three he told me that the guy on the radio said a bad word. I asked him what word. He said, "It starts with F and rhymes with truck." I was so proud of his phonics skills! on Adolpha's Favorite Finger




Jen -- Sounds like genetics :-) on Adolpha's Favorite Finger




I really need to stop drinking when I read your posts. The appearance of water being shot out of my nose, onto my computer is getting ridiculous. I'm getting weird looks from everyone in the office now. on Adolpha's Favorite Finger




I always love to see a spit take in the comments.  You're almost always guaranteed a place in the wrap up if you spewed all over your computer.  The best compliment I can receive!!!  Thanks.




keep going jen! i swear, you're inspiring me. *i will not eat half a box of cheez-its today in your honor... i will pare it down to 1/3* on Top 3 Reasons Why I Can't Go to the Gym




Can we put that on a bumper sticker or something?  I love it.




Since you've posted this, Yandy now advertises on the side of my screen. I just saw a sexy Tootsie Roll (which I almost get, considering there was a song about "tootsie rolling"...but why would you want to look like a log of poo?), sexy Tigger (just no), and...sexy Black Swan. Thanks for ruining the ballet for me, Yandy. on Sexy Halloween Costumes




Did you know that there are sixty billion places to find me now?  I'm on Facebook, Twitter, the blog message boards, and Goodreads.  Pick one . . . or two and talk to me.

At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing

Last weekend, my friend Lainey was visiting and we went to lunch so we could brag about our kids (hers is a Mathlete and mine is working on his professional soccer career), complain about our (lovable) husbands and lament about how old we're getting (we've been friends since high school).



Lainey is in the medical field so I always like the regale her with my tales of aches and pains and crappy doctor's visits.  When we met for lunch I'd been to my gynecologist's office the day before to have an ultrasound.



Not your typical drink 80 ounces of water until your bladder is going to burst so we can push on your bladder and see if we can make you pee yourself while we stare at a dark and blurry screen with shapes I can't tell what's heads or tails (literally).



Nope.  I got the pleasure of having a transvaginal ultrasound.  For those of you who haven't been lucky enough to have one, it's a real treat and I think you should request one the next time you visit your gyno.



Who wouldn't want this thing shoved up her hooha?





The least they could do is make vibrate while it takes the pictures.



I arrived at the doctor's office with my bladder full to bursting and the tech said, "Oh you can empty.  We're doing something else."



I had no idea what that meant, but I was grateful I could "empty," because I'm not as good at holding it anymore.  I emptied and then joined her in the ultrasound room.



"Take off all your bottoms and sit on the table, bottom hanging off the edge, feet in stirrups."



WTF?  "Uhh . . . I'm supposed to have an ultrasound," I said.



"Yes, we'll use the wand."



The wand.  More like the foot long probe that could only be designed by a man.  I just read on a website where it said it was similar in size and shape to a "tampon."  Maybe I use itty bitty tampons, but this seems a bit bigger than a tampon.







I followed her instructions and told her I was ready.  I had a disposable sheet draped over my legs.  The tech said, "OK, I'm going to hand the wand to you and I'm going to need you to insert it."



I reached down and she handed that thing to me lubed end first.  I got a handful of condom (yup, they put a condom on it - NOT ribbed for my pleasure) and lube.  I inserted it and tried to go to my happy place while she jabbed and scraped and rammed me.



When I told Lainey the story, she kept nodding and saying "I know!" and "What the fuck am I paying them for if I have to insert it myself???"



When I was done, she told me I was lucky that my only drama was some prodding and jabbing in my lady bits, because she heard about a patient who was accidentally poked in the pooper - and she never said boo.

Top 3 Reasons Why I Can't Go to the Gym

This is week three of my transformation.  Catch up here and here.



Yesterday was my day to go to Starting-Line Fitness and see my trainer, Kris.









I did not want to go.



My appointment was for 10 am and at by 8 am I had a list of reasons why I needed to cancel:



1.  I'm too busy.  (You should see my DVR - I need to do some serious catching up on The Daily Show and Stephen Colbert!)



2.  I'm too tired.  (It would probably help if I didn't stay up late last night reading my new Cassandra Clare book.)



3.  I have nothing to wear.  (Seriously.  My one good semi-supportive bra is in the laundry pile.)



I remembered a conversation I'd had the day before with a friend.  The subject of my "transformation" came up and I told her, "A personal trainer is the only way I could do this."



I explained to her that I need to know that Kris is at the gym waiting on my fat ass to get there.  I told her that even though Kris is never perky, she's not a drill sergeant either.  She disciplines me the way I discipline my kids.  When I get whiny and tell her, "I don't wanna do those stupid ropes again" she just smiles at me and says, "Uh huh.  OK.  Let's go."  She corrects me when I'm working out so that I'm getting the maximum benefit - a video has never done that for me.  She laughs at me when I show her how terrible my balance is.  (Am the only one who can't balance on one foot??)



My favorite part is when she's going to have me do something I think is impossible I say, "You'd better tell me a good story while I do this, because I need to take my mind off this shit."  And then she does.  (Yesterday I heard all about her ideas for Halloween costumes for herself and her other trainer.  They like to do matchy-match costumes.  I think they should totally read my post about sexy Halloween costumes. I think I saw a comment about a sexy Bert and Ernie.  This would be perfect for those two!)



If this little pep talk in my head didn't motivate to me pull my stinky sports bra from the hamper and Febreeze it real quick, then taking my measurements did.  I measured myself last week and again this week.  The results were stunning.



In one week I've lost a total of 5.5 INCHES.



Not too shabby.  THAT motivated me to put a smile on my face and get my ass to the gym.

Adolpha's Favorite Finger

"Guess which one is my favorite?"

I picked Adolpha up from school and I heard her ask from the backseat, "Hey Mom, do you have a favorite finger?"



"Ummm . . . no.  I don't think so," I replied as I navigated through the hell that is the elementary school pick up line.



"Really?" she asked surprised.  "'Cause I do."



I figured she'd tell me her favorite finger was her thumb, since she has been sucking it since she was in the womb.  (We've been trying to break her of this habit, so if you have any words of wisdom - don't hold back!)  "Is it your thumb?" I asked.



"No, silly!  A thumb isn't a finger.  It's a thumb!"



"Right."



"No my favorite finger is my pointer finger."



"Oh.  OK.  That's interesting," I mumbled as I narrowly missed being sideswiped by a Dolce mom in a minivan yapping on her damn cell phone.



"Yeah, I love my pointer finger.  I use it for everything.  I like to point to people.  Or point to words in books.  Sometimes I just like to point it in the sky.  It's so . . . pointy."



"Uh huh," I said deftly maneuvering around two moms who decided to stop in the middle of the street and have a conversation about (I assume) who packs the best lunch.



"My pointer finger is so great, because it's sooooo long."



"Yup - wait.  What?"  Now I was out of the parking lot and at a stop sign where I could pay attention to Adolpha.  "Your pointer finger is long?"



"Yeah.  It's my longest finger.  See?  I looooove to point with it.  I've been using it all day."



I turned in my seat to see my precious baby girl giving me the bird.



I'll say this, I wasn't pleased, but she does have good form.

Weekly Wrap Up 10.13.12

Another week over and all I have to show for it is one trashed house.  Seriously.  I know I complain a lot about how messy my house can get, but this week is ridiculous.  I had 200 books delivered to my house in 5 boxes (so those are still sitting in the hallway), I had 100 bubble wrap mailers delivered - another box and our weather has been anything from 80 degrees to 50 degrees this week so I have an assortment of jackets, coats, hats, flip flops, rain boots and tennis shoes strewn through out the house.



I've ignored all of this so I could focus on what's important:  perfecting my signature so I can sign some books!  Needless to say, it's still not perfected.  I apologize to those of you who will receive a book that looks like my signature says "Mary."  I got a little carried away and decided my "M"s are so much better looking than my "J"s.



If you ordered a signed copy through PayPal, then start checking your mail.  I finished them all and I will be dropping them off at the post office today.  



Top Read Posts This Week:



Open Letter to Bra Manufacturers - Wowza.  I say one little thing about how I'd like to have a sports bra that I can actually play sports in and I get 145 responses.  Looks like I'm not alone!  I actually tweeted this post to Jockey and Maidenform and told them I had a product survey for them if they'd just read the comments.  They both tweeted me back.  Jockey has offered to send me a bra, but it won't be ready until Spring 2013.  Looks like I'll have to jiggle a bit longer.  In the meantime, I'm going to check out bras from Title Nine, Enell, and Moving Comfort.  There were lots of recommendations, but these three came up the most so I'll start with them.  Thanks so much for the advice!  If you need a sports bra, check out the comments, ladies!



The Most Epic Bridezilla Ever - I think that we can all agree that if nothing else this bride needs to figure out the difference between "your" and "you're."  Oh, and stop being such a bitch.



Sexy Halloween Costumes - I'm working on my sexy bag lady costume.  I'm going to make a fortune!  It will be a nude body suit with Target and Wal Mart bags glued to strategic places.



Make Them Laugh Gomer - Gomer is afraid to make people laugh.



A Little Update - Nook is killing me, but your reviews are making me happy!  If you've read the book and you want to help me, please leave a review on Amazon.  Thanks!



The winners of the Lightbringer series has been chosen!  K.D. McEntire has offered to give away not ONE, but TWO copies of each book!  I have contacted the winners via email and/or Twitter.



My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):



Jen, When you get rich and famous (anonymously of course) will you retain your proper perspective on the world? Good luck on the book and I love your BLOG. on A Little Update



Give me a chance to get rich and famous first and then I'll let you know.  I think I could still bitch quite a bit from a beach in Maui.  



Just need to know before I spring for the book: Is there any mention of hard limits or inner goddesses? on A Little Update



Of course there are!  My hard limits include cookie exchanges and annual family pictures. 



Great to hear! Just want to make sure that you are using your new "Bic for Women" pens to sign your autographed copies... on A Little Update



It feels so right in my hand.  It's like I never knew how to write properly before!



Too funny! I was taking my daughters through the Halloween store and had to not only try to steer them away from the slutty girl costumes but the couples costume set of a plug (guy - guess where it was?) and eletrical outlet(girl- guess where?) and the guy genie costume that said "rub here". Seriously?!?!? They should at least put a sign up saying "adult section". Nothing like a 10 year old asking "why does it say rub there?" on Sexy Halloween Costumes



OK, that plug and socket costume is so stupid.  Many years ago when Gomer was still a baby my MOM'S group hosted a family Halloween party.  They do it every year and it's just a bunch of families with kids up to age 12 or so.  Some woman and her husband showed up as the plug and socket.  WTF? Who wears that to a family-friendly party?  It was so weird and awkward to talk to them.  



I think if they saw the picture of my big 'ol gut hanging out of that watermelon, they'd stop selling this shit. on Sexy Halloween Costumes



Uh, the Unicorn probably has another meaning.....in the 'lifestyle' world of sex and swingers, a unicorn is a single hot chick that likes threesomes (rare like a unicorn). I shit you not. on Sexy Halloween Costumes



Whoa.  You learn something new every day, don't you?  I am so fucking sheltered.



Just purchased it thru Paypal... Can't wait to get it!!!!! You're a true inspiration Jen! I Love PIWTPITT!!!! on Buy My Book



Thank you for your purchase!  Your book is on its way!



Gomer: I believe in realistic advice, so here's mine. School is tough. School is waaaay tougher than being a grown-up sometimes. Because those people who laugh at you make up your whole world, and you can't just leave when you feel like it. But those people who laugh at you... guess what? You laugh louder than them. Turn it around on them. Because if you can laugh at yourself, then they have no power over you. I let what other people thought of me rule over my days at school. And you know what? I missed out on a lot of fun because of it. Now that I'm a grown-up, I do a lot of silly, goofy stuff just because I can. Don't be like me. Do the silly, goofy stuff now! Don't wait! Be who you feel like being. Not who everyone else wants you to be. on Make Them Laugh, Gomer



Go Gomer! Never ever hide your gift of making people laugh. Sometimes, life can be hard and there are plenty of sad things in this world. We all need people like you and your mom who have the ability to tell an amazing story and brighten up our day. on Make Them Laugh, Gomer



12 years after my wedding, I still apologize to my bridesmaids for the killer shoes, (as in they killed their feet, while I made sure I wore flats for comfort) and a backless dress that required a paste-on bra. This letter made me feel like the nicest bride in the entire world. Thank you psycho beast bride. It appears I may actually be normal after all! on The Most Epic Bridezilla Ever



This wedding is a sh*t show...with that loon as the star! I kind of want to go. on The Most Epic Bridezilla Ever



I *almost* understand the bit about making them commit to every event- almost. I had four bridesmaids. Two of them flaked on the bachelorette last minute (I mean they called me an hour into the party). One had to clean her room, and one couldn't come because another guest at the party was prettier than her. Seriously. Guess which ones I'm still in contact with 7 years later... on The Most Epic Bridezilla Ever



Just downloaded your book from Amazon, Jen. I had to start reading right away and I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! I wouldn't be able to hang with those OAMs with 101 things to do with the Elf on a Shelf. I don't even know who the hell that guy is! I must have living under a rock since I've got a kindergartener boy, a 4 year old girl, and a 2 month old. OR I'm too damn busy keeping the peace at home on my fours hours of sleep a night. They can be the only kids who grow up without the Elf phenomena. Great read - I'm sharing with my friends! :) on My Book is Ready for Purchase!!

Sexy Halloween Costumes

Halloween is fast approaching and everyone is working on their costumes.  Adolpha will be a puppy this year and Gomer wants to be "terrifying" - whatever that means.



We attend a few Halloween events every year and the kids really enjoy it when the Hubs and I dress up in a costume.  The Hubs has a shirt that says "This is my costume" (did you really expect more?) and I always try to come up with something last minute.



This year I thought I might get a jump on the holiday and actually find a costume before the day of.  I started looking online last night and I was so annoyed by what I found for women's Halloween costumes.  It wasn't just the usual sexy nurse or frisky pirate or naughty witch.  The costumes I found were ridiculous.



Sure, there has been a trend for a while now where girls' and women's costumes are getting sluttier and sluttier, but come on!  You should see the shit I found.



Check out these doozies I found on Yandy.com:



The sexy slice of watermelon.  WTF?  This looks like a girl in a towel who had a run in with a very big dog.  Who knew fruit was sexy?  Apparently Yandy did, because they have sexy bananas and orange slices too.  You could have a whole hot fruit salad.







What about this "Red Bird" costume, which is obviously a sexy Angry Bird?  She looks like sexy Mrs. Santa Claus got attacked by a rabid cardinal.  You would have to be unbelievably gorgeous to wear this costume.  Can you imagine what a normal woman would look like with that fucking bird on her head?










Who the fuck wears a sexy Pooh bear costume?  Who goes shopping for a Halloween party and thinks, "Ooh, I always loved Pooh when I was a little girl.  I'll be smokin' as a sexy Pooh!  Plus, my kids would love it!"???  I can only imagine the attention a girl gets in this costume.  "Hey baby, I'd like to get in your honey pot!"










The crazy sexy mental patient is about the only costume that actually sort of made sense to me (what mother doesn't feel like she should be institutionalized some days?), but how would I go to the bathroom in this thing?  At least I wouldn't be able to cut the food on my kids' plates that night.








And last, but not least - WTF??  Is this hot or horrifying?  Yup, a sexy unicorn.











Who buys this crap?



Looks like it's time to get out a peasant skirt and a head scarf and be a fortune teller again this year.  Not the sexy kind - the old crone kind.

A Little Update

Hey everybody, I wanted to give you an update on my book!  Nook is STILL not ready yet.  I've been in touch with B&N daily and they keep telling there is a technical glitch of some kind on their end and they're "working on it."  Once Nook is up and running I will let you know.



Book sales are going well.  I'm really excited that so many of you have already purchased the book.  Thank you, thank you!  World domination is in my sights.  I can now say I am an "Amazon Best Seller."  The beauty of Amazon is they have about a bazillion different categories where you can classify your books and so you can always feel like you're rocking at least one category.  As of right this moment I am in the Top 10 of TWO humor categories.  Look out Parenting & Family Humor, I aim to be number one in your category!  Boom.



Reviews on Amazon are starting to appear and so far, so good - I have a 4.5 star rating.  Thank you to everyone who has left me a review!  These are so helpful to me and to other potential buyers.  If you haven't written a review yet, please do.  "Best.  Book.  Ever." will work perfectly.



I did have someone take issue with my choice of words and the length of the book and I'd like to address those concerns.  The book is intended for mature audiences, much like the blog.  This is not a book to give to your pastor's wife (unless she likes to drop the f-bomb).  The length is short - right around 140 pages.  I'd rather make it short and fabulous and leave people begging for more than hearing it was too long and it stopped being funny in the middle.  I kept it short and sweet - this time.  For the next book I'm using War & Peace as my example.



The other thing I'm hearing is that a few of the covers might be a bit off with the color.  The cover should be a white background with a very faint snowflake pattern.  I've spent hours on the phone with the publisher trying to figure out the exact problem and I've been told they do their best, but color discrepancies are normal.  If it bothers you that it's not the right color you can return it to Amazon and they will replace it.



I'm starting to receive my shipment of books this week, so signed copies should begin going in the mail next week.  I've had so many orders for signed books that I'm going to need to buy at least one new pen.  I am amazed so many people want me to deface their book.  You do know, my scrawl will actually bring down the value of your book, right?  When you garage sale this sucker in the spring, you will only get a quarter instead of fifty cents.  You've been warned.



And finally, I've heard from quite a few of you who wanted to know if you could write a review or link to the book, etc.?  Uh. . . OF COURSE!  I am on my own here and I need all of the help I can get.  No marketing or PR team could do as well as you guys can.  Please share this book with your friends and family.  Please pin it on your Pinterest boards (preferably on your "Books That Changed My Life" or "Books Oprah Wants Me to Read" boards).  Please write about it on your own blog.



If you do write a review on your blog, please be sure to send me the link so I can pimp it out like I'm going to do right now:



Meredith over at From Meredith to Mommy wrote the most kick ass book review I've read for any book I've ever written.  Please check it out and then buy the book (because I just found out this week that Adolpha is going to need braces in the future)!