Jen Mann's Blog, page 41
December 28, 2012
2012 Resolution Recap - How Did I Do?
Another year gone just like that. Can you believe it? And of course the Mayans totally got it wrong. I was fairly certain they were wrong, but just in case I read a ton of dystopian novels to prepare myself for the end of the world. I was ready for vampires, zombies, viruses and nuclear attacks. I neglected compiling a homesteading Pinterest board though, so I'm not sure how I thought I'd feed my family or make us clothes.
Last year I wrote a list of resolutions and I thought I'd check in and see how I did keeping them:
1. Lose weight. I'm happy to say that since I started working with my trainer, Kris at Starting Line Fitness I am down several pounds and several inches.
2. Be kinder to the Hubs. I'm sure he would argue with me, but I think I've been fairly agreeable this year.
3. Clean the house for 5 minutes every day. I quickly realized that 5 minutes doesn't do shit and so I stopped.
4. Make enough money to have a cleaning lady come every week. I've got her coming twice a month. I'm halfway there!
5. Be a better mother. I did Yes Day, I took my kids to Disney and a water park where we all learned what "jorts" were, and I had two elves this Christmas to move around! I would say I aced this one this year. I am freaking Mother of the Year.
6. Write a book. Done and already working on the next one.
7. Fold laundry as soon as it's done drying. Yeah, that never happened.
8. Call my friends. I really tried harder this year, but I need to keep working on it.
9. Don't do drugs - recreational or pharmaceutical. I'm still unmedicated, although I'm sure there are many around me who wish I was.
10. Learn something new. This was the easy one I threw in at the last minute so I could say I at least kept one of my resolutions! I learned all sorts of new things this year, but the funniest one was how to shoot a gun and I found my apocalypse buddy.
How about you? How did you do? Did you keep your 2012 resolutions?
Last year I wrote a list of resolutions and I thought I'd check in and see how I did keeping them:
1. Lose weight. I'm happy to say that since I started working with my trainer, Kris at Starting Line Fitness I am down several pounds and several inches.
2. Be kinder to the Hubs. I'm sure he would argue with me, but I think I've been fairly agreeable this year.
3. Clean the house for 5 minutes every day. I quickly realized that 5 minutes doesn't do shit and so I stopped.
4. Make enough money to have a cleaning lady come every week. I've got her coming twice a month. I'm halfway there!
5. Be a better mother. I did Yes Day, I took my kids to Disney and a water park where we all learned what "jorts" were, and I had two elves this Christmas to move around! I would say I aced this one this year. I am freaking Mother of the Year.
6. Write a book. Done and already working on the next one.
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7. Fold laundry as soon as it's done drying. Yeah, that never happened.
8. Call my friends. I really tried harder this year, but I need to keep working on it.
9. Don't do drugs - recreational or pharmaceutical. I'm still unmedicated, although I'm sure there are many around me who wish I was.
10. Learn something new. This was the easy one I threw in at the last minute so I could say I at least kept one of my resolutions! I learned all sorts of new things this year, but the funniest one was how to shoot a gun and I found my apocalypse buddy.
How about you? How did you do? Did you keep your 2012 resolutions?
December 27, 2012
An Ornament Exchange with My Family
This year we spent Christmas Eve at my aunt and uncle's house. We always go there for dinner and a gift exchange and games. The game is always something that my uncle has made up. It's always a game that if you get the answer right, etc., you get to choose a White Elephant gift from the pile that everyone brought.
This year there was a new twist. Along with your gift you also had to - oops, I mean - got to pick one of my grandmother's ornaments to keep. My grandmother is still with us, but she moved into a retirement community this year and she couldn't take all of her things with her. She and her kids went through her stuff and picked out the Christmas decorations she would like to take with her and left the rest behind for the kids to sift through. After they chose what they wanted, what was left ended up in the slush pile that we all got to dig through on Christmas Eve.
We were all cracking jokes about the quality and condition of these misfit ornaments. Everyone kept "forgetting" to pick an ornament or two and had to be reminded.
When the night was over and it was time to head home my kids asked if they could have another ornament (they are really the only ones who have any sentimentality in our family, plus they're tiny hoarders and they can't pass up free shit). There were several left, so I told them it shouldn't be a problem. I helped them dig through the box to find something that wasn't too hideous - like the angel made from a corn husk or the dingy needlepoint Santa. And then all of a sudden I saw something that made my heart stop!
There amongst all of the shabby, broken, old and decrepit ornaments were two tiny treasures. Two little wooden ornaments that MY precious snowflakes, Gomer and Adolpha, had made for their great grandparents five years ago. (I know, because I always write the date on their ah-may-zing and adorable works of art that they foist on relatives.) Gomer had been a beautiful little three year old boy when he carefully painted the ornament. Adolpha had been barely one when she slapped a bit of paint on hers as well.
Would you put this beauty Adolpha made in the junk box?
"Grandma!" I shrieked. "How could you?"
"What?" she asked, clearly confused.
I held up the ornaments to show her, "My children - your great grandchildren - made these works of art for you! And you just tossed them in the junk pile?? Like trash?"
"Not me!" Grandma said looking for an out. "Your Aunt Marcy!"
"Me?" Aunt Marcy cried.
"Yes. Aunt Marcy helped me choose to take and what to give away," said Grandma.
Aunt Marcy tried to smooth things over, "Now, Jenni, you don't understand. She couldn't take them. All of Grandma's ornaments match now."
"Oh they match now? Well, I'm sooo sorry to hear that my little children's ornaments were too ugly for her tree!"
Grandma and Aunt Marcy gave each other a knowing look and then Grandma said, "Actually, it was Uncle Filbert! I remember now. He was the one who went through the ornaments. He did it. Aunt Marcy and I didn't have anything to do with it!"
How convenient for them to throw Uncle Filbert under the bus. The one uncle who wasn't there to defend himself. He's got a lot of explaining to do when he gets back in town.
In the meantime, Aunt Marcy is trying to make me happy. She rescued the kids' ornaments from the box before it headed for the Dumpster and hung them on her "good" tree. It's killing her to leave them there. It's also killing my little OAM (Overachieving Mom) in training. As soon as Aunt Marcy hung the ornaments on the tree, Adolpha said, "Oooh, yeah, those do not look good there. I would take them off. The tree looked better before."
This year there was a new twist. Along with your gift you also had to - oops, I mean - got to pick one of my grandmother's ornaments to keep. My grandmother is still with us, but she moved into a retirement community this year and she couldn't take all of her things with her. She and her kids went through her stuff and picked out the Christmas decorations she would like to take with her and left the rest behind for the kids to sift through. After they chose what they wanted, what was left ended up in the slush pile that we all got to dig through on Christmas Eve.
We were all cracking jokes about the quality and condition of these misfit ornaments. Everyone kept "forgetting" to pick an ornament or two and had to be reminded.
When the night was over and it was time to head home my kids asked if they could have another ornament (they are really the only ones who have any sentimentality in our family, plus they're tiny hoarders and they can't pass up free shit). There were several left, so I told them it shouldn't be a problem. I helped them dig through the box to find something that wasn't too hideous - like the angel made from a corn husk or the dingy needlepoint Santa. And then all of a sudden I saw something that made my heart stop!
There amongst all of the shabby, broken, old and decrepit ornaments were two tiny treasures. Two little wooden ornaments that MY precious snowflakes, Gomer and Adolpha, had made for their great grandparents five years ago. (I know, because I always write the date on their ah-may-zing and adorable works of art that they foist on relatives.) Gomer had been a beautiful little three year old boy when he carefully painted the ornament. Adolpha had been barely one when she slapped a bit of paint on hers as well.
Would you put this beauty Adolpha made in the junk box?
"Grandma!" I shrieked. "How could you?"
"What?" she asked, clearly confused.
I held up the ornaments to show her, "My children - your great grandchildren - made these works of art for you! And you just tossed them in the junk pile?? Like trash?"
"Not me!" Grandma said looking for an out. "Your Aunt Marcy!"
"Me?" Aunt Marcy cried.
"Yes. Aunt Marcy helped me choose to take and what to give away," said Grandma.
Aunt Marcy tried to smooth things over, "Now, Jenni, you don't understand. She couldn't take them. All of Grandma's ornaments match now."
"Oh they match now? Well, I'm sooo sorry to hear that my little children's ornaments were too ugly for her tree!"
Grandma and Aunt Marcy gave each other a knowing look and then Grandma said, "Actually, it was Uncle Filbert! I remember now. He was the one who went through the ornaments. He did it. Aunt Marcy and I didn't have anything to do with it!"
How convenient for them to throw Uncle Filbert under the bus. The one uncle who wasn't there to defend himself. He's got a lot of explaining to do when he gets back in town.
In the meantime, Aunt Marcy is trying to make me happy. She rescued the kids' ornaments from the box before it headed for the Dumpster and hung them on her "good" tree. It's killing her to leave them there. It's also killing my little OAM (Overachieving Mom) in training. As soon as Aunt Marcy hung the ornaments on the tree, Adolpha said, "Oooh, yeah, those do not look good there. I would take them off. The tree looked better before."
December 24, 2012
Elva the Elf
Last year I told you about how we received our Elf on the Shelf from our friends when Gomer was a baby. Over the summer, I received another elf. This time from a reader. When I got him I decided that I'd put him in the cupboard with Choppy Elfie, but that by Christmas he would become a she.
You might remember from my rant that I was experiencing a great deal of pressure to make sure that both of my children would someday have their own elf to take with them into their new home with their spouse and use to torment their own children. Since Choppy was given to us before Adolpha was born, I just sort of assumed that Choppy would be Gomer's and we'd need another for Adolpha. When I got the second elf I knew he'd be Adolpha's elf, but I also knew that Adolpha would not stand for a boy elf when girl elves are so readily available. Lucky for me, skirts are readily available too (and as far as I can tell, the skirt is all the stands between a boy elf and a girl elf).
In early November, I forked over seven bucks for a festive holiday skirt for the second elf. (You're welcome, Elf on the Shelf empire.) Now Adolpha's elf transformation was complete.
I brought the new elf out on Thanksgiving night too when I brought out Choppy. I sat them together on our designated "Elf Shelf" and waited for the kids to notice.
Our new addition was immediately welcomed into the family and then we began the arduous process of finding the right name for her. Choppy Elfie's name had been a compromise between Gomer's suggestion of "Choppy" and Adolpha's "Elfie." This time no common ground could be found. Gomer was pushing hard for "Slasher" since that name goes along with Choppy and Adolpha really liked "Abby." Abby Slasher? Slasher Abby? I was holding out for a better name. It was one thing to name Choppy Elfie such a stupid name when they were preschoolers. They didn't know any better, but this year there is no excuse. Suddenly, Adolpha came up with the perfect name: "Elva the Elf!"
For those of you who know me and my family in real life, you'll know what a special name Elva is to our family. You see, Elva is an old family name, but we think it might be exclusive to our family. We've yet to meet an Elva outside of the Punch clan and we're not surprised. It's not like Elva is an old lady name ripe for revival like Stella or Ruby. It's not weird enough for Hollywood moms nor can it be butchered into Ellvah or Ehlva for the Dolce Mom set. No one (outside of our family) ever looks at their precious baby and says, "Hello, Elva." But an elf? Yes, Elva is a perfect name for an elf.
We formally introduced Choppy Elfie to Elva Abby Slasher and to be honest he wasn't thrilled to share his shelf with this newcomer. Ever since his lucky break last year, he's become a bit of a diva and he's been making a lot of demands. He's always been a bit lazy, but this year he spent so much time checking his Google Alerts he would only move between the laptop and the shelf. The other day I caught him signing a stack of my books. He hasn't been very welcoming to Elva. There have been a few times I've found Elva on the floor because apparently there wasn't enough room for her on the shelf.
It's a good thing they go back in their boxes tonight, because look what I found this morning.
You might remember from my rant that I was experiencing a great deal of pressure to make sure that both of my children would someday have their own elf to take with them into their new home with their spouse and use to torment their own children. Since Choppy was given to us before Adolpha was born, I just sort of assumed that Choppy would be Gomer's and we'd need another for Adolpha. When I got the second elf I knew he'd be Adolpha's elf, but I also knew that Adolpha would not stand for a boy elf when girl elves are so readily available. Lucky for me, skirts are readily available too (and as far as I can tell, the skirt is all the stands between a boy elf and a girl elf).
In early November, I forked over seven bucks for a festive holiday skirt for the second elf. (You're welcome, Elf on the Shelf empire.) Now Adolpha's elf transformation was complete.
I brought the new elf out on Thanksgiving night too when I brought out Choppy. I sat them together on our designated "Elf Shelf" and waited for the kids to notice.
Our new addition was immediately welcomed into the family and then we began the arduous process of finding the right name for her. Choppy Elfie's name had been a compromise between Gomer's suggestion of "Choppy" and Adolpha's "Elfie." This time no common ground could be found. Gomer was pushing hard for "Slasher" since that name goes along with Choppy and Adolpha really liked "Abby." Abby Slasher? Slasher Abby? I was holding out for a better name. It was one thing to name Choppy Elfie such a stupid name when they were preschoolers. They didn't know any better, but this year there is no excuse. Suddenly, Adolpha came up with the perfect name: "Elva the Elf!"
For those of you who know me and my family in real life, you'll know what a special name Elva is to our family. You see, Elva is an old family name, but we think it might be exclusive to our family. We've yet to meet an Elva outside of the Punch clan and we're not surprised. It's not like Elva is an old lady name ripe for revival like Stella or Ruby. It's not weird enough for Hollywood moms nor can it be butchered into Ellvah or Ehlva for the Dolce Mom set. No one (outside of our family) ever looks at their precious baby and says, "Hello, Elva." But an elf? Yes, Elva is a perfect name for an elf.
We formally introduced Choppy Elfie to Elva Abby Slasher and to be honest he wasn't thrilled to share his shelf with this newcomer. Ever since his lucky break last year, he's become a bit of a diva and he's been making a lot of demands. He's always been a bit lazy, but this year he spent so much time checking his Google Alerts he would only move between the laptop and the shelf. The other day I caught him signing a stack of my books. He hasn't been very welcoming to Elva. There have been a few times I've found Elva on the floor because apparently there wasn't enough room for her on the shelf.
It's a good thing they go back in their boxes tonight, because look what I found this morning.
December 23, 2012
Weekly Wrap Up 12.23.12
Only two more days of shopping and I'm thrilled to say I AM DONE! Lucky for me Gomer and Adolpha wanted more expensive gifts this year, so that meant less shopping. I also (knock on wood) haven't lost any gifts this year like I usually do. I came up with this amazing plan where I'd put them ALL in the same place instead of just shoving them willy-nilly into any crevice, hole and closet I could find. I even baked a little bit this year (whaaa?). It's strange. I really feel like I have a handle on the whole Christmas thing this year, so I'm sure I'll wake up at dawn on Christmas morning and realize that I've forgotten to buy my dad a gift or something stupid like that. Just to be sure, I'll go to the bank this morning and get some cash - everyone always likes to receive cash, right?
Top Read Posts:
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Revisited - Only one more night to move that little sucker and then we can put him away again for another year!
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Original - I'm sure this one will be back again next year, because I just read that the Elf on the Shelf owners are ready to tackle England and France next year. I'm sorry, Europe. One more reason to hate the U.S.
PIWTPITT's Holiday Gift Guide - Lots of great last minute ideas like fleece muumuus and Light Keeper Pros!
Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season? - Why we don't say Merry Mosesmas.
The Mayans - Worst apocalypse ever.
Book Update:
I shipped out a bunch of books this week. I hope many of you asked your husbands and boyfriends for copies, because a lot of them are ordering them for their "wives" and "girlfriends." There isn't any time now to get the book before Christmas, but I think it would make a lovely Valentine's Day gift for that special someone in your life, so hurry and order now to guarantee shipping in time.
On a serious note, thanks to everyone who bought the book this year. I'm thrilled so many of you read it and enjoyed it. (Have you left me a review yet? I need those suckers.) Seeing my book on the Amazon best seller's lists was the best Christmas present I could ask for.
Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):
Holy hilarious. Was in the toddler gym this morning and there was a sign hanging up from last night's kiddo bday party: "Happy birthday, Neel!" Snorted some coffee out right then and there, and then kicked myself that I didn't have my phone with me so I could take and send you a pic. Was dying to etch in the silent "k" as suggested by another one of your readers... on Humble Brag Letter 2012
By my calculations, you have 16 minutes left. What in hell are you doing wasting them reading my comment? Go do something useful. Eat more Oreos. on The Mayans
OMG, that totally cracked me up. I was kinda bummed the world didn't end. I was looking forward to not going to work. on The Mayans
Just found your blog from pinterest and thought this site cant be real.This is hilarious, since I've been reading more and more mom blogs I am beginning to realise that real moms still exist in the US. Hope I'm brave enough one day to say what I really want to in my blogs. on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
That is fantastic! Merry Mosesmas! ;) on Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season?
That reminds me of a joke I heard once. A Sunday school teacher was asking the class about Jesus and said that his mother was Mary but who was Mary's husband? One little boy raised his hand and excitedly said "Verge!" When the confused teacher asked him to clarify he said "duh, Verge -n- Mary!" :-) on Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season?
A few years ago, I worked with a man from Japan. He asked me what Easter was. I am Jewish, so I tried to sum up Easter considering I didn't really have first hand knowledge. Anyway, I said "Jesus was crucified and 3 days later, rose from the dead and went to Heaven." He thought about that for a minute, and said "Oh...like a zombie?" Of course all of us who were standing there thought this was hilarious, and I was sincerely hoping he'd bring that back to Japan with him, when he went home. on Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season?
My husband asked me the other day, "Why don't they have Christmas on Saturdays? Why does it always have to be on December 25th." I looked at him for a long 5 seconds and then turned around and walked away. I couldn't make words form that didn't include dumb ass, moron, and are you fucking kidding me. on Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season?
OK, the Hubs just asked me yesterday: "Will Christmas be on the 25th again this year?" Really, Hubs? I shouldn't be surprised since this is the same man who also asked me, "Do they make yoga pants for men? I think those would be comfy."
Oh, poor John Mayer! Quick, someone call the WHAAAAmbulance! on John Mayer
Top Read Posts:
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Revisited - Only one more night to move that little sucker and then we can put him away again for another year!
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Original - I'm sure this one will be back again next year, because I just read that the Elf on the Shelf owners are ready to tackle England and France next year. I'm sorry, Europe. One more reason to hate the U.S.
PIWTPITT's Holiday Gift Guide - Lots of great last minute ideas like fleece muumuus and Light Keeper Pros!
Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season? - Why we don't say Merry Mosesmas.
The Mayans - Worst apocalypse ever.
Book Update:
I shipped out a bunch of books this week. I hope many of you asked your husbands and boyfriends for copies, because a lot of them are ordering them for their "wives" and "girlfriends." There isn't any time now to get the book before Christmas, but I think it would make a lovely Valentine's Day gift for that special someone in your life, so hurry and order now to guarantee shipping in time.
On a serious note, thanks to everyone who bought the book this year. I'm thrilled so many of you read it and enjoyed it. (Have you left me a review yet? I need those suckers.) Seeing my book on the Amazon best seller's lists was the best Christmas present I could ask for.
Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):
Holy hilarious. Was in the toddler gym this morning and there was a sign hanging up from last night's kiddo bday party: "Happy birthday, Neel!" Snorted some coffee out right then and there, and then kicked myself that I didn't have my phone with me so I could take and send you a pic. Was dying to etch in the silent "k" as suggested by another one of your readers... on Humble Brag Letter 2012
By my calculations, you have 16 minutes left. What in hell are you doing wasting them reading my comment? Go do something useful. Eat more Oreos. on The Mayans
OMG, that totally cracked me up. I was kinda bummed the world didn't end. I was looking forward to not going to work. on The Mayans
Just found your blog from pinterest and thought this site cant be real.This is hilarious, since I've been reading more and more mom blogs I am beginning to realise that real moms still exist in the US. Hope I'm brave enough one day to say what I really want to in my blogs. on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
That is fantastic! Merry Mosesmas! ;) on Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season?
That reminds me of a joke I heard once. A Sunday school teacher was asking the class about Jesus and said that his mother was Mary but who was Mary's husband? One little boy raised his hand and excitedly said "Verge!" When the confused teacher asked him to clarify he said "duh, Verge -n- Mary!" :-) on Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season?
A few years ago, I worked with a man from Japan. He asked me what Easter was. I am Jewish, so I tried to sum up Easter considering I didn't really have first hand knowledge. Anyway, I said "Jesus was crucified and 3 days later, rose from the dead and went to Heaven." He thought about that for a minute, and said "Oh...like a zombie?" Of course all of us who were standing there thought this was hilarious, and I was sincerely hoping he'd bring that back to Japan with him, when he went home. on Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season?
My husband asked me the other day, "Why don't they have Christmas on Saturdays? Why does it always have to be on December 25th." I looked at him for a long 5 seconds and then turned around and walked away. I couldn't make words form that didn't include dumb ass, moron, and are you fucking kidding me. on Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season?
OK, the Hubs just asked me yesterday: "Will Christmas be on the 25th again this year?" Really, Hubs? I shouldn't be surprised since this is the same man who also asked me, "Do they make yoga pants for men? I think those would be comfy."
Oh, poor John Mayer! Quick, someone call the WHAAAAmbulance! on John Mayer
December 21, 2012
The Mayans
Oh shit, the world is still here??!
Sure, I went to bed last night seeing all those memes about it being December 21 in Australia and Asia already, blah, blah, blah, but we all know the Mayans were totally talking about the world ending in Central Time, which is the time zone I live in. Silly world. You need to get the time zone right. The Mayans are precise.
So, last night I kissed my kids goodnight and tucked them in. I climbed into bed and ignored the repeated phone calls from my mortgage company, American Express, Visa, Discover and Target begging me to pay the debt I'd run up in the last year. (I had to live large during our last year on this planet - you can't take it with you, might as well spend it.) I kissed the Hubs good bye and I finished the last good book I'd ever read.
Imagine my surprise when I awoke this morning to a bright morning (the light was from the sun, not asteroids like I had originally presumed) and birds were singing (not squawking by the millions outside my house as they dropped from the sky in death spirals) and the power was still on (I did continue to pay that bill this year, because those guys mean business!) and my kids were standing there demanding breakfast.
What happened? I wondered as I fed my children breakfast - mostly pumpkin pie and Oreos (don't judge, I thought if we survived the night we'd eat the neighbors) and started paying bills again. I thought the world was going to end.
There have been lots of crackpots over the years who have predicted the end of days, but this one was on the news and stuff. This was like Y2K. This one was supposed to be the real deal. I feel a bit duped.
Oh wait, I just found another news story that says it wasn't midnight the Mayans predicted, it was 11:11 am. I've got two hours! Just enough time to gorge myself on chocolate until the earthquakes start and swallow me whole.
Sure, I went to bed last night seeing all those memes about it being December 21 in Australia and Asia already, blah, blah, blah, but we all know the Mayans were totally talking about the world ending in Central Time, which is the time zone I live in. Silly world. You need to get the time zone right. The Mayans are precise.
So, last night I kissed my kids goodnight and tucked them in. I climbed into bed and ignored the repeated phone calls from my mortgage company, American Express, Visa, Discover and Target begging me to pay the debt I'd run up in the last year. (I had to live large during our last year on this planet - you can't take it with you, might as well spend it.) I kissed the Hubs good bye and I finished the last good book I'd ever read.
Imagine my surprise when I awoke this morning to a bright morning (the light was from the sun, not asteroids like I had originally presumed) and birds were singing (not squawking by the millions outside my house as they dropped from the sky in death spirals) and the power was still on (I did continue to pay that bill this year, because those guys mean business!) and my kids were standing there demanding breakfast.
What happened? I wondered as I fed my children breakfast - mostly pumpkin pie and Oreos (don't judge, I thought if we survived the night we'd eat the neighbors) and started paying bills again. I thought the world was going to end.
There have been lots of crackpots over the years who have predicted the end of days, but this one was on the news and stuff. This was like Y2K. This one was supposed to be the real deal. I feel a bit duped.
Oh wait, I just found another news story that says it wasn't midnight the Mayans predicted, it was 11:11 am. I've got two hours! Just enough time to gorge myself on chocolate until the earthquakes start and swallow me whole.
December 19, 2012
Wait. Who is the Reason for the Season?
Our family goes to church every Sunday. Really. We do. My kids go to Sunday school. They know what Christmas is all about. Or so I thought.
The kids and I were decorating their Christmas trees and I was in Adolpha's room helping her hang yet one more pink cupcake ornament on her little tree when I heard Gomer yell from his room, "Mom! Can I put out my nativity?"
"Yes," I replied. Each kid has their own plush nativity set that they can put out in their rooms. They received them when they were babies and they arrange them every year.
"Hey Mom!" Gomer yelled again. "I can't find my baby!"
"What?" I called back. "I'm helping Adolpha. If you need me, come to her room."
He came in holding Joseph and Mary. "I can't find my baby."
"Who?" I asked.
"The baby that goes in the basket," he showed me the empty manger.
"I don't know what to tell you. It was all there last year when I put it away. Go look again."
After several minutes of digging around he finally came in victorious, "I found him! I found my baby Moses."
"Who did you say?" I asked.
"Baby Moses."
"Gomer, that isn't baby Moses. That's baby Jesus."
"Who?"
"Baby Jesus."
"Wait. Jesus was there?" Gomer asked.
"Uhh . . . yeah! He was the baby. We celebrate his birth at Christmas! You know that!"
"Ohhh . . . Whoops. I just always thought this was baby Moses," he said looking at the baby in one hand. "And this was Jesus," he said showing me Joseph.
I need to speak with his Sunday school teacher.
Does this look like Baby Moses to you?
The kids and I were decorating their Christmas trees and I was in Adolpha's room helping her hang yet one more pink cupcake ornament on her little tree when I heard Gomer yell from his room, "Mom! Can I put out my nativity?"
"Yes," I replied. Each kid has their own plush nativity set that they can put out in their rooms. They received them when they were babies and they arrange them every year.
"Hey Mom!" Gomer yelled again. "I can't find my baby!"
"What?" I called back. "I'm helping Adolpha. If you need me, come to her room."
He came in holding Joseph and Mary. "I can't find my baby."
"Who?" I asked.
"The baby that goes in the basket," he showed me the empty manger.
"I don't know what to tell you. It was all there last year when I put it away. Go look again."
After several minutes of digging around he finally came in victorious, "I found him! I found my baby Moses."
"Who did you say?" I asked.
"Baby Moses."
"Gomer, that isn't baby Moses. That's baby Jesus."
"Who?"
"Baby Jesus."
"Wait. Jesus was there?" Gomer asked.
"Uhh . . . yeah! He was the baby. We celebrate his birth at Christmas! You know that!"
"Ohhh . . . Whoops. I just always thought this was baby Moses," he said looking at the baby in one hand. "And this was Jesus," he said showing me Joseph.
I need to speak with his Sunday school teacher.
Does this look like Baby Moses to you?
December 17, 2012
PIWTPITT's Holiday Gift Guide
This is the time of year when you can't avoid a "must have" list of holiday gifts to buy for that special certain someone in your life. There are always lists for "Her" with unique and amazing ideas like a tassel key chain or $500 lingerie (I don't think all of my lingerie COMBINED is worth $500). Don't forget "Him" either! How about a $300 iPad cover or an apothecary jar matchstick holder? (For all those times you say, "I just wish I had a beautiful apothecary jar to hold these unsightly matchsticks!")
The thing that I notice about these lists is there is never anything on them that I would actually want. I would be pissed if the Hubs came home with a hand-forged iron paperweight in the shape of a lotus for my desk and he'd divorce me if I bought him the Polaroid Digital Instant camera.
So, for anyone looking for a little something special this holiday for someone like me or the Hubs, I put together a list of "must haves" and I think you'll find them unique and adorable.
1. Jenni Supersoft Poncho. So, this thing is amazeballs. Sure it resembles a muumuu with a hood, but you guys, put this thing on and you will. Not. Care. My grandma bought this for me for Christmas this year. I picked it out. Every year my cousins and I go shopping with my grandma to pick out our presents from her. My cousins are young, single, hip girls. They bought jewelry and handbags with their Christmas money. Not me. I bought this wonderful invention and new slippers. My cousins died a little inside and vowed to never age past 30. But little do they know - forty is when you can get away with wearing a fleece caftan and no one even bats an eye. I'm warm and cozy (because unlike that POS Snuggie this sucker covers your back and has a hood), plus it comes in cool, fun, hip designs. Mine is black (because black is slimming, even in a fleece one size fits all blanket with arm holes) with adorable polka dots!
2. Kindle Fire HD. We are a book loving family. Well, the Hubs isn't. I think he might be illiterate actually. Gomer and I are book lovers. We can read for hours and I really want a Kindle Fire HD to read on (and play Angry Birds Stars Wars on too). The Hubs tells me it can do all sorts of other cool stuff really fast, blah, blah, blah, but I just know that it's cute and I can carry it in my purse and watch "Downton Abbey" on the pick up line at school. Genius!
3. Light Keeper Pro. Don't waste anymore time or money cursing your burned out strands of lights. Zap them into submission and show them who's boss!
4. Bic Lady Pens. On a tight budget? Then, these are the perfect stocking stuffers for every female in your life. Sure they're a bit pricier than the masculine version, but so worth it! I started using one a few months back and you won't believe the smart ideas I come up with now. And my spelling has improved drastically when I write my grocery lists! Do yourself a favor and invest in your daughter's future today - get her a Bic Lady Pen.
5. A Goat from Outreach International. Do you have someone on your list who has everything already? Do you have someone that you never know what to buy? Why don't you buy them a goat? OK, the recipient doesn't actually get the goat, but you buy the goat in their name and then it's donated to a person in need where it provides food, income, and fertilizer. Goats aren't your style? How about chickens? Or toothbrushes? Adolpha wants to buy a latrine this year. My extended family donates every year to a project to build a farm. We do it in honor of my grandfather who passed away a few years ago.
6. Books. Did you think I'd make a wish list without my book on it? Surely, you know me better than that by now! My book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat would be the best gift for just about anyone on your list. Your best friend, neighbor, kids' teachers, hair stylist, mailman, garbage man, your sister in law, your mother in law, the nanny. Maybe you already have my book and you need some other ideas? No problem. How about Ketchup is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves or you could pre-order Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind.
7. Little Bag of Crap. When you go to the grocery store or the library or the PTO meeting, you need a bag that says "What Are You Looking At?" and a Little Bag of Crap can do that for you. This bag is an instant ice breaker and conversation starter at any playgroup, soccer game or ballet class. It's also the perfect gift for any child in your house who has hoarding tendencies. The superior construction of this bag ensures that they can really fill it full of crap and hide it in the back of the closet or under their bed for years to come!
8. Crocs. I know many of you scoff at my love of Crocs, but out of all of my Three C's of Fashion (Crocs, Cargo pants and Coach (outlet) bags) you can never go wrong with a pair of Crocs! No matter what the occasion, there is a perfect pair of rubbery flats, wedges, flip flops or fuzzy slip ons! Plus, I gotta love any shoe company that lists Duck Boots in their "Dress" section! Those are my people right there.
9. Meggings. This is for the hip and trendy man on your list this year. I realize the Hubs doesn't fall even remotely near that category, but he has the knobby knees and twiggy, bony legs this fashion statement requires - nay, demands. For once the Hubs could be on the cutting edge of style and fashion. He could pour himself into this skin tight abomination and make the men of our neighborhood jealous and the women swoon. He could proudly strut his spindly stuff and know that for the next week or so he is rocking a style that very few men can pull off.
10. Honda Odyssey Touring Elite. I haven't given up my envy of you minivan driving moms. My little taste of minivan heaven I got this summer wasn't enough to deter me from my wanton desires for slidey doors, a ridiculous amount of cupholders, a split screen television and wireless headphones. I wish I could have one just so I could put my bad ass minivan bumper sticker on it along with my 0.0 miles sticker.
The thing that I notice about these lists is there is never anything on them that I would actually want. I would be pissed if the Hubs came home with a hand-forged iron paperweight in the shape of a lotus for my desk and he'd divorce me if I bought him the Polaroid Digital Instant camera.
So, for anyone looking for a little something special this holiday for someone like me or the Hubs, I put together a list of "must haves" and I think you'll find them unique and adorable.
1. Jenni Supersoft Poncho. So, this thing is amazeballs. Sure it resembles a muumuu with a hood, but you guys, put this thing on and you will. Not. Care. My grandma bought this for me for Christmas this year. I picked it out. Every year my cousins and I go shopping with my grandma to pick out our presents from her. My cousins are young, single, hip girls. They bought jewelry and handbags with their Christmas money. Not me. I bought this wonderful invention and new slippers. My cousins died a little inside and vowed to never age past 30. But little do they know - forty is when you can get away with wearing a fleece caftan and no one even bats an eye. I'm warm and cozy (because unlike that POS Snuggie this sucker covers your back and has a hood), plus it comes in cool, fun, hip designs. Mine is black (because black is slimming, even in a fleece one size fits all blanket with arm holes) with adorable polka dots!
2. Kindle Fire HD. We are a book loving family. Well, the Hubs isn't. I think he might be illiterate actually. Gomer and I are book lovers. We can read for hours and I really want a Kindle Fire HD to read on (and play Angry Birds Stars Wars on too). The Hubs tells me it can do all sorts of other cool stuff really fast, blah, blah, blah, but I just know that it's cute and I can carry it in my purse and watch "Downton Abbey" on the pick up line at school. Genius!
3. Light Keeper Pro. Don't waste anymore time or money cursing your burned out strands of lights. Zap them into submission and show them who's boss!
4. Bic Lady Pens. On a tight budget? Then, these are the perfect stocking stuffers for every female in your life. Sure they're a bit pricier than the masculine version, but so worth it! I started using one a few months back and you won't believe the smart ideas I come up with now. And my spelling has improved drastically when I write my grocery lists! Do yourself a favor and invest in your daughter's future today - get her a Bic Lady Pen.
5. A Goat from Outreach International. Do you have someone on your list who has everything already? Do you have someone that you never know what to buy? Why don't you buy them a goat? OK, the recipient doesn't actually get the goat, but you buy the goat in their name and then it's donated to a person in need where it provides food, income, and fertilizer. Goats aren't your style? How about chickens? Or toothbrushes? Adolpha wants to buy a latrine this year. My extended family donates every year to a project to build a farm. We do it in honor of my grandfather who passed away a few years ago.
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6. Books. Did you think I'd make a wish list without my book on it? Surely, you know me better than that by now! My book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat would be the best gift for just about anyone on your list. Your best friend, neighbor, kids' teachers, hair stylist, mailman, garbage man, your sister in law, your mother in law, the nanny. Maybe you already have my book and you need some other ideas? No problem. How about Ketchup is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves or you could pre-order Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind.
7. Little Bag of Crap. When you go to the grocery store or the library or the PTO meeting, you need a bag that says "What Are You Looking At?" and a Little Bag of Crap can do that for you. This bag is an instant ice breaker and conversation starter at any playgroup, soccer game or ballet class. It's also the perfect gift for any child in your house who has hoarding tendencies. The superior construction of this bag ensures that they can really fill it full of crap and hide it in the back of the closet or under their bed for years to come!
8. Crocs. I know many of you scoff at my love of Crocs, but out of all of my Three C's of Fashion (Crocs, Cargo pants and Coach (outlet) bags) you can never go wrong with a pair of Crocs! No matter what the occasion, there is a perfect pair of rubbery flats, wedges, flip flops or fuzzy slip ons! Plus, I gotta love any shoe company that lists Duck Boots in their "Dress" section! Those are my people right there.
9. Meggings. This is for the hip and trendy man on your list this year. I realize the Hubs doesn't fall even remotely near that category, but he has the knobby knees and twiggy, bony legs this fashion statement requires - nay, demands. For once the Hubs could be on the cutting edge of style and fashion. He could pour himself into this skin tight abomination and make the men of our neighborhood jealous and the women swoon. He could proudly strut his spindly stuff and know that for the next week or so he is rocking a style that very few men can pull off.
10. Honda Odyssey Touring Elite. I haven't given up my envy of you minivan driving moms. My little taste of minivan heaven I got this summer wasn't enough to deter me from my wanton desires for slidey doors, a ridiculous amount of cupholders, a split screen television and wireless headphones. I wish I could have one just so I could put my bad ass minivan bumper sticker on it along with my 0.0 miles sticker.
December 16, 2012
Weekly Wrap Up 12.16.12
I don't really remember what happened this week before Friday. Ever since I heard the news about Sandy Hook Elementary School on Friday I have been a mess. It was all I could do not to drive up to the school and grab my kids. I knew this was an irrational fear. I knew that their school would be on high alert after hearing the news and I trusted that their staff would do everything they could to keep my children safe, but still . . . I wanted them in my arms. I think every parent in America felt that way on Friday when we heard the news.
The senselessness and the horror of the attack completely did me in. I have alternated between numbness and shock to rage and fury to absolute terror. I have tried to sit down countless times and put into words exactly how I feel and I never end up with one coherent sentence. I just keep going back to the parents of these children. I just keep thinking of the heroes in that school building who sacrificed their lives to protect their students. And, of course, I can't stop thinking about the littlest victims.
Slowly, I am returning to normal. I took a couple of days off from social media, because I just couldn't find any funny inside of me.
I felt like this:
Dear Parents at Sandy Hook, We are with you.
A friend shared this picture that a local Kansas City artist, Jeremy Collins, drew in response to the tragedy. It sums up exactly how I feel. Due to overwhelming response Jeremy is selling prints of the picture and he is giving a percentage of the proceeds to help the victims.
Top Read Posts This Week:
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf (Original)
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Revisited
Over Achieving Moms are Ruining My Christmas - This was an OpEd piece I wrote for Headline News.
Humble Brag Letter 2012
Humble Brag Letter Winners!
Book Update:
I could not be happier with book sales. I am so grateful to all of you who have purchased the books and left me reviews. Those reviews are really helpful to me, so if you haven't already, please leave me a review on Amazon or iTunes. Thanks!! Books are selling briskly as we close in on Christmas. So many of you are getting these as presents! Shhh . . . I won't tell who! There are still a few days left to order personalized books from me.
Favorite Comments (and My Response if Necessary):
Pure gold. SAVE THE BUTTERFLIES! on Humble Brag Letter 2012
Oh shit! You used Alycin! I knew there was a divine reason for why I spotted that stupid sports sticker! on Humble Brag Letter 2012
I couldn't let a perfect name like that one slip through the cracks. I've been saving it for the perfect post. It ranks right up there with Aighmey - I should have made them twins!
I know that this letter is a joke, but why is it written in the third person? I have not been fortunate enough to receive anything like this during the holidays. My friends and family do not send these things. So, my question is, are these types of letters supposed to be written in the third person? Is it proper etiquette or something? For a second, I thought that it would be signed by a mistress of Whitman. That would have been awesome! on Humble Brag Letter 2012
It is a rule of the humble brag letter. It must always be written in third person, otherwise it isn't "humble". That way you're not REALLY bragging about yourself. No one can say, "I have been appointed to a prestigious position in my company and I took an amazing tour of the Galapagos Islands." It always sounds better if you say, "We're very proud of Jen and her new prestigious position on her company. She was lucky enough to take an amazing trip to the Galapagos Islands." See? Third person keeps it humble.
What, Suzette isn't leading power yoga classes while training for the NYC marathon this year? Goodness, she has let herself go. on Humble Brag Letter 2012
Excuse me, the child's name is "Kneel". The K is silent. It's a family name. on Humble Brag Letter 2012
Too funny! Proving once again truth is grosser than fiction. What is with the medical TMI? On second thought, I wish I only had to listen to it once a year. These letters sound like the opening to EVERY conversation with my mother. Ellen on Humble Brag Letter Winners!
HI-larious! My family still howls about a letter we received one Xmas about how "...Amy just had a horrible time passing that kidney stone..." and Amy was the one who wrote the letter! I found your blog last week and spent the weekend reading the entire archives. Fun and funny! on Humble Brag Letter Winners!
I had the exact opposite childhood. My mother was a nurse and my father a microbiologist. So until I was sicker than a hosiptal patient, I didn't get a whole lot of sympathy for being ill. Upset tummy, a sore throat and a fever over 100? Ugh. I'd be limited to juice, sprite, ginger ale, and something like mashed potatoes to eat, then sent to bed early, only to be woken up at an ungodly early hour so that dad could shove and oversized q-tip down my throat and run a rapid strep test. (Because early morning samples before you've had a chance to eat, drink or even brush your teeth are the best ones). Assuming the test came back positive, he'd take a second to send to the doc, who would call in an RX, so mom could pick that up as soon as the pharmacy opened. I'd get to stay home on the couch eating bland food and vomiting, while watching bad movie rentals or sleeping until about noon, which is when the school would have my missed work for the day ready to be picked up. So the afternoon and on My Kid VS. The School Nurse
The senselessness and the horror of the attack completely did me in. I have alternated between numbness and shock to rage and fury to absolute terror. I have tried to sit down countless times and put into words exactly how I feel and I never end up with one coherent sentence. I just keep going back to the parents of these children. I just keep thinking of the heroes in that school building who sacrificed their lives to protect their students. And, of course, I can't stop thinking about the littlest victims.
Slowly, I am returning to normal. I took a couple of days off from social media, because I just couldn't find any funny inside of me.
I felt like this:
Dear Parents at Sandy Hook, We are with you.
A friend shared this picture that a local Kansas City artist, Jeremy Collins, drew in response to the tragedy. It sums up exactly how I feel. Due to overwhelming response Jeremy is selling prints of the picture and he is giving a percentage of the proceeds to help the victims.
Top Read Posts This Week:
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf (Original)
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Revisited
Over Achieving Moms are Ruining My Christmas - This was an OpEd piece I wrote for Headline News.
Humble Brag Letter 2012
Humble Brag Letter Winners!
Book Update:
I could not be happier with book sales. I am so grateful to all of you who have purchased the books and left me reviews. Those reviews are really helpful to me, so if you haven't already, please leave me a review on Amazon or iTunes. Thanks!! Books are selling briskly as we close in on Christmas. So many of you are getting these as presents! Shhh . . . I won't tell who! There are still a few days left to order personalized books from me.
Favorite Comments (and My Response if Necessary):
Pure gold. SAVE THE BUTTERFLIES! on Humble Brag Letter 2012
Oh shit! You used Alycin! I knew there was a divine reason for why I spotted that stupid sports sticker! on Humble Brag Letter 2012
I couldn't let a perfect name like that one slip through the cracks. I've been saving it for the perfect post. It ranks right up there with Aighmey - I should have made them twins!
I know that this letter is a joke, but why is it written in the third person? I have not been fortunate enough to receive anything like this during the holidays. My friends and family do not send these things. So, my question is, are these types of letters supposed to be written in the third person? Is it proper etiquette or something? For a second, I thought that it would be signed by a mistress of Whitman. That would have been awesome! on Humble Brag Letter 2012
It is a rule of the humble brag letter. It must always be written in third person, otherwise it isn't "humble". That way you're not REALLY bragging about yourself. No one can say, "I have been appointed to a prestigious position in my company and I took an amazing tour of the Galapagos Islands." It always sounds better if you say, "We're very proud of Jen and her new prestigious position on her company. She was lucky enough to take an amazing trip to the Galapagos Islands." See? Third person keeps it humble.
What, Suzette isn't leading power yoga classes while training for the NYC marathon this year? Goodness, she has let herself go. on Humble Brag Letter 2012
Excuse me, the child's name is "Kneel". The K is silent. It's a family name. on Humble Brag Letter 2012
Too funny! Proving once again truth is grosser than fiction. What is with the medical TMI? On second thought, I wish I only had to listen to it once a year. These letters sound like the opening to EVERY conversation with my mother. Ellen on Humble Brag Letter Winners!
HI-larious! My family still howls about a letter we received one Xmas about how "...Amy just had a horrible time passing that kidney stone..." and Amy was the one who wrote the letter! I found your blog last week and spent the weekend reading the entire archives. Fun and funny! on Humble Brag Letter Winners!
I had the exact opposite childhood. My mother was a nurse and my father a microbiologist. So until I was sicker than a hosiptal patient, I didn't get a whole lot of sympathy for being ill. Upset tummy, a sore throat and a fever over 100? Ugh. I'd be limited to juice, sprite, ginger ale, and something like mashed potatoes to eat, then sent to bed early, only to be woken up at an ungodly early hour so that dad could shove and oversized q-tip down my throat and run a rapid strep test. (Because early morning samples before you've had a chance to eat, drink or even brush your teeth are the best ones). Assuming the test came back positive, he'd take a second to send to the doc, who would call in an RX, so mom could pick that up as soon as the pharmacy opened. I'd get to stay home on the couch eating bland food and vomiting, while watching bad movie rentals or sleeping until about noon, which is when the school would have my missed work for the day ready to be picked up. So the afternoon and on My Kid VS. The School Nurse
December 12, 2012
Humble Brag Letter 2012
Dear Friends and Family,
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
It's the most wonderful time of the
year!
We hope you're enjoying our family
photo. We decided to go with the 8x10 for everyone this year. We
know a 3x5 would have sufficed, but we heard from so many of you last
year how much you liked our picture and we wanted you to have
something really special this year. It's printed on heirloom quality
canvas and should really stand the test of time.
Our divine photographer who just takes
the most amazing pictures of our family really topped himself this
year. Suzette loves the work he does. He always captures us at
“magic hour” (his fancy photography word, not ours). Don't we
all look dreamy? We're actually going to take him with us to our new
beach house for Spring Break so he can get some fabulous photos of us
frolicking on the beach!
The view from our beach house!
We can't even begin to talk about our
Christmas pictures without mentioning the unbelievable talents of our
new family stylist. She has gone through Suzette's closet and purged
so many of her drab and boring clothes and replaced them with some
stunning signature pieces. No more sweatshirts and jeans and Crocs
for the kids either. She's found some really terrific staples for
them. She styled the whole family for our shoot and Suzette thinks
she's a genius the way she coordinated us and yet didn't make us
matchy-matchy. She believes there is nothing worse than a family
photo where everyone is in jeans and a white dress shirt and we
couldn't agree more!
We are pleased to announce that our
daughter Alycin has been named the best speller in Mrs. Jefferson's
second grade class. She's also a Hall Monitor, a Lunchroom Helper, a
Playground Scout, a Peer Counselor, and a Library Aide. She has so
many leadership roles at school she barely has time for her
classwork! She manages to maintain straight A's on her grade card
even with all the demands on her time. If that wasn't enough, she
has joined a competitive dance team that is really for fourth
graders. It's actually a very funny story how Alycin got onto this
team. We were at the dance studio to see a friend and Alycin started
dancing in the parking lot. Nothing spectacular, just a little
routine she'd made up herself. The coach saw her dancing and
recruited her right then and there on the spot. She feels like
Alycin is still a bit creaky since she has no previous dance
experience, but she's confident she has a diamond in the rough!
Our fifth grader, Neel, has made quite
a name for himself this year as a ladies' man. Our phone rings off
the hook with young girls looking to chat. He assures us that he is
“just friends” with all of them and that they're just calling
because he is a really “good listener.” Whitman chuckles that he
was a “good listener” in school too. Seriously, though we're so
proud of him. Neel understands young girls and the pressures they
face. These girls are lucky to have Neel's thoughtful and sensitive
side to bounce ideas off of and his strong shoulder to cry on! When
Neel isn't counseling the young ladies of his class, he is dominating
robotics competitions. He has already built several 'bots (that's
what all the 'bot builders call them) that we use around the house.
We have an automated dog feeder that keeps Sparky happy and takes one
more thing off of Neel's to-do list! Suzette just loves the remote
controlled vacuum cleaner Neel made her. Nothing relaxes Whitman
more after a long hard day at the office than to come home and be
greeted by his robotic drink caddy.
Suzette joined two non-profit boards
this year. She's the President of Gentle Wings, a non-profit
organization that brings awareness to the mistreatment of
butterflies. Every year thousands of butterflies are harmed by the
wedding industry and zoos and Suzette is trying to bring these
atrocities to light. Her second board is the Homeowner Association
Board for our beach house. Currently, she's the only member as she's
still trying to get the HOA off the ground. It's sorely needed and
hopefully our new neighbors will join with us to help maintain our
property values through assimilation. Our whole family was a bit
dismayed the last time we visited and noticed that many of our
neighbor's lawns were a bit long (at least 1/8 of an inch too long),
several trash cans were left out more than 24 hours after the trash
pick up, and there was even a motor home parked in one neighbor's
driveway! What are people thinking? There are storage facilities
for those atrocities. It's displays of neglect likes these that are
ruining the housing market. We can't expect our beach house to
increase in value when so many of our neighbors are dragging us down
with their poor choices. Suzette is confident that once we spend the
upcoming summer there, she'll be able to recruit more members for her
board and really get some work done.
When Suzette has some free time, she
still enjoys making her own jewelry out of upcycled juice cans and
Goodwill t-shirts. The jewelry she crafts is stunning. She loves to
give her jewelry as gifts and many recipients don't know if they
should wear it or display it! She's had several inquiries from well
known worldwide brands to license her jewelry to them, but she has no
desire to partner. It's not about money with Suzette. It never has
been. It's always about her passion for creating and reusing and
recycling.
Whitman's dermatology practice has
exploded this year. He has more patients than he knows what to do
with! He is under intense pressure and tries to blow off steam
whenever he can. This year he joined a golf club and a tennis club,
he's taken up spear fishing, ultra long distance running, snow
shoeing, and pottery. Suzette and the kids are so grateful for his
hard work they don't begrudge him the 15 to 25 hours a week he spends
on his hobbies – he deserves some alone time.
We wish you all a wonderful 2013! We
miss all of you and please know you're always welcome to visit – we
have some fabulous hotels in the vicinity that Suzette can put you in
touch with!
Much love,
Suzette, Whitman, Neel, and Alycin and
Sparky
If you think this letter was funny, you should read the humble brag letters in my book, Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Buy it here.
Photo Source
December 11, 2012
Humble Brag Letter Winners!
Last week I asked you to send me your best Humble Brag Christmas letters. I said they could be your own that you like to send out or one that you've received or it could be one that you made up.
I didn't realize there were so many types of holiday updates out there. Some people do it in a newsletter ("The Cooper's Christmas Express Newsletter, Volume 10"), some people do it by the numbers ("3 - the age Celeste turned this year, 8 - the number of times we saw deer in the backyard"), but most just give you the cold, hard facts ("Bill is still in middle management and Vera is enjoying her Bunco group").
I noticed a trend in the real submissions towards TMI (too much information) - mostly medical related. Because everyone has been wondering about Uncle Osborn's big toe! Here are some actual excerpts from letters that people received:
a. "...went in for surgery on my hiatal hernia... had an uncontrollable coughing spell for a week... continuation of a fungal infection illness leading up to a bronchial infection..."
b. "Well, this year has been particularly challenging for Olive and Desmond. Desmond had to undergo surgery for his colon. He has diverticulitis and can't eat popcorn anymore. After surgery, he had to walk around with a colostomy bag. Olive had surgery too. She had to have a knee replaced. Hopefully she will be back rollerblading soon."
c. "We didn't get to take as many trips as we like to since our medical issues. Andy had a bladder infection so he couldn't play his banjo with the band much."
d. “October brought some medical issues, as I had bone spurs removed from my left foot and a partial artificial joint put in my big toe. While I have been following doctor’s orders to keep my foot elevated for 8 weeks, Osborn has had one big toenail removed and repair work done on his other big toenail."
e. "Last year I told you what everyone was doing to keep the wolf away from the door, while waiting for me to pass on and leave them millions --- so I don't have to mention that again. If you don't remember, you can get out your old letter. (I know you keep them.)"
f. "Purvis received a DUI this year, which was unfortunate, as he makes his living by being a bus driver. He will be taking a break from bus driving until his license is reinstated."
Last year's real letters included a lot of hand wringing too. (Can you imagine the "end is nigh" twist the letters will have THIS year with the Mayans thinking we're going to be kaput in just a few days?):
a. "...Christmas is the time to renew our faith and prepare for the worsening conditions to come."
b. "The federal government is bankrupt. Medicare and Social Security are bankrupt. What is happening in Greece will happen here. It is just a matter of time."
And a humble brag letter wouldn't be complete without the mention of either precocious kids and/or adorable pets. These are also all real:
a. "Isolde, age 15: Her current occupational goal is to study medicine, be proficient in Spanish and French and work as a Doctor Without Borders in a Third World country. She’s got Dad’s gift for languages and her acting skills will come in handy if she ends up in a non-Romance language speaking country." (The best part about this letter is that her language-gifted dad wrote it.)
b. "Our dog, Peppi, graduated from Obedience School Magna Cum Laude, but is having trouble deciding on his subject for his master's thesis. We'd appreciate any suggestions you might have!"
I received so many fake letters and it was hard for me to choose, but here are the two I chose as the best fake Humble Brag Letters:
From J.D.:
"At this time of year, we want to be mindful of the reason for the season and that it is Christ our Lord whom we are celebrating. The Bailey family goes to services each and every Sunday at Holy Family church. We always make a contribution to the church this time every year, and since we have been so blessed in 2012, we decided to donate the needed funds to put in an air conditioning system at church. So this summer, when you’re at Holy Family, your whole family will be comfortable while worshiping Of course, we will be at the Cape most of the summer and attending services elsewhere, but we’ll be thrilled to know our church friends will be comfortable back home."
Read this entire letter at HonestMom.com.
From Rebecca:
"A happy holidays to
all of you that I know and even the little people that I don't really
know. I hope this year has
been as full of blessings for your family as it has been for mine.
Most people who know me in real life read my blog. So that means that
a lot of you are already up to speed on just about everything. But
for the few of you that don't pay attention, or are new here, I will
catch you up to speed. Or give you all a recap on my awesomeness."
Read this entire letter at Frugalista Blog.com.
Come back tomorrow and read MY humble brag letter!
Thank you to everyone who submitted!
A list of the contributors if they have a blog or website (many of them have their own letters, be sure to check them out):
AKA in NJ
A Page From My Life
Belladventures
Connie
Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Evil Joy Speaks
Fish Ducky, Finally
Functionally Dysfunctional
From Meredith to Mommy
Gamesfiends
Marginalia
Mommyshorts
Moms New Stage
My Life and Kids
Simply Sarah
The Fur Files
The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears
The Mom of the Year
The Skinny Bitch Chronicles
I didn't realize there were so many types of holiday updates out there. Some people do it in a newsletter ("The Cooper's Christmas Express Newsletter, Volume 10"), some people do it by the numbers ("3 - the age Celeste turned this year, 8 - the number of times we saw deer in the backyard"), but most just give you the cold, hard facts ("Bill is still in middle management and Vera is enjoying her Bunco group").
I noticed a trend in the real submissions towards TMI (too much information) - mostly medical related. Because everyone has been wondering about Uncle Osborn's big toe! Here are some actual excerpts from letters that people received:
a. "...went in for surgery on my hiatal hernia... had an uncontrollable coughing spell for a week... continuation of a fungal infection illness leading up to a bronchial infection..."
b. "Well, this year has been particularly challenging for Olive and Desmond. Desmond had to undergo surgery for his colon. He has diverticulitis and can't eat popcorn anymore. After surgery, he had to walk around with a colostomy bag. Olive had surgery too. She had to have a knee replaced. Hopefully she will be back rollerblading soon."
c. "We didn't get to take as many trips as we like to since our medical issues. Andy had a bladder infection so he couldn't play his banjo with the band much."
d. “October brought some medical issues, as I had bone spurs removed from my left foot and a partial artificial joint put in my big toe. While I have been following doctor’s orders to keep my foot elevated for 8 weeks, Osborn has had one big toenail removed and repair work done on his other big toenail."
e. "Last year I told you what everyone was doing to keep the wolf away from the door, while waiting for me to pass on and leave them millions --- so I don't have to mention that again. If you don't remember, you can get out your old letter. (I know you keep them.)"
f. "Purvis received a DUI this year, which was unfortunate, as he makes his living by being a bus driver. He will be taking a break from bus driving until his license is reinstated."
Last year's real letters included a lot of hand wringing too. (Can you imagine the "end is nigh" twist the letters will have THIS year with the Mayans thinking we're going to be kaput in just a few days?):
a. "...Christmas is the time to renew our faith and prepare for the worsening conditions to come."
b. "The federal government is bankrupt. Medicare and Social Security are bankrupt. What is happening in Greece will happen here. It is just a matter of time."
And a humble brag letter wouldn't be complete without the mention of either precocious kids and/or adorable pets. These are also all real:
a. "Isolde, age 15: Her current occupational goal is to study medicine, be proficient in Spanish and French and work as a Doctor Without Borders in a Third World country. She’s got Dad’s gift for languages and her acting skills will come in handy if she ends up in a non-Romance language speaking country." (The best part about this letter is that her language-gifted dad wrote it.)
b. "Our dog, Peppi, graduated from Obedience School Magna Cum Laude, but is having trouble deciding on his subject for his master's thesis. We'd appreciate any suggestions you might have!"
I received so many fake letters and it was hard for me to choose, but here are the two I chose as the best fake Humble Brag Letters:
From J.D.:
"At this time of year, we want to be mindful of the reason for the season and that it is Christ our Lord whom we are celebrating. The Bailey family goes to services each and every Sunday at Holy Family church. We always make a contribution to the church this time every year, and since we have been so blessed in 2012, we decided to donate the needed funds to put in an air conditioning system at church. So this summer, when you’re at Holy Family, your whole family will be comfortable while worshiping Of course, we will be at the Cape most of the summer and attending services elsewhere, but we’ll be thrilled to know our church friends will be comfortable back home."
Read this entire letter at HonestMom.com.
From Rebecca:
"A happy holidays to
all of you that I know and even the little people that I don't really
know. I hope this year has
been as full of blessings for your family as it has been for mine.
Most people who know me in real life read my blog. So that means that
a lot of you are already up to speed on just about everything. But
for the few of you that don't pay attention, or are new here, I will
catch you up to speed. Or give you all a recap on my awesomeness."
Read this entire letter at Frugalista Blog.com.
Come back tomorrow and read MY humble brag letter!
Thank you to everyone who submitted!
A list of the contributors if they have a blog or website (many of them have their own letters, be sure to check them out):
AKA in NJ
A Page From My Life
Belladventures
Connie
Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Evil Joy Speaks
Fish Ducky, Finally
Functionally Dysfunctional
From Meredith to Mommy
Gamesfiends
Marginalia
Mommyshorts
Moms New Stage
My Life and Kids
Simply Sarah
The Fur Files
The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears
The Mom of the Year
The Skinny Bitch Chronicles
