Jen Mann's Blog, page 39

PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents

If you've been reading me for any length of time you will know that I love to make a good list of rules. Rules for daughters. Rules for sons. Rules for my kids when they're at playdates. Rules for moms who host playdates. Rules, rules, rules. I enjoy a good list of rules, even if I hate to follow rules (don't we all?).



Now I have a new list.



Rules for Grandparents.



Disclaimer: Now, now, I know my parents read this blog and before they get their knickers in a wad, I will say: You are good grandparents and even better free babysitters, so just relax over there these are not all about you. Just have a laugh - and maybe stop watching so much "CSI" in front of my kids. Adolpha knows what "blood splatter" means. 



Actually, that's a good place to start:



1. Be mindful of what you're watching on TV in front of my kids. I helped you sign up for extended cable, now use the directory and find "Scooby Doo"  because "Game of Thrones" is not appropriate viewing material for my kids.



2. Be a good sport. When you attend my children's sports games, do not heckle them or their teammates or their opponents. "Move your ass, Number 3!" is never acceptable - and yes, everyone gets an award. I have to deal with it and so must you.





3. Grandchildren are not show ponies. Don't dress them up and parade them over to see Old Mrs. Chapman next door so they can "cheer up" her and her cats with the new songs they learned in Spanish class this week.



4. Keep your passive aggressive threats to yourself. "Don't worry, if your mom says 'no' you can always come live with grandma" will get you banned from my house. Or I might call your bluff and leave two kids and all their belongings on your front porch. School starts at 8:20 and Gomer needs over 100 of the same objects for the estimation jar and Adolpha needs to bring healthy snacks. (Do you even know what those are? Because I barely do.) Oh and don't forget to take some photos with Flat Stanley and get everyone new soccer cleats. I'm off to the spa!





"If you get sad when Mommy and Daddy start making rules, just remember, Grandma's door is always open."



5. Carseats are mandatory. Yes, yes, I know. Somehow we all survived childhood without carseats, but now you're old and you drive like shit so buckle them up.



6. You are not a doctor. Whiskey is not an acceptable treatment for teething and Vicks VapoRub is not the cure-all for every ailment.





Got a cold? Rub a little on your chest. Got the flu? Rub a little more on your chest. Lose a limb? Rub some on your stump.



7. Stop trying to buy their love. You never tried to buy my love, so why are you trying to buy theirs? They love you. They do not need any more crap from the Dollar Store. Now, if you want to make a donation to their college funds . . . those are always accepted and appreciated.



8. Go easy on the sweets. Try serving some real food along with all the sugar you allow them to consume. For example, if they have donuts and hot cocoa for breakfast then lunch can't be leftover donuts with a Pixie Stick for dessert.



9. Bedtime is 8 PM sharp. I'm being generous here. At home, bedtime is 7 PM. I've given you a whole extra hour of fun time. Bedtime is not a "suggestion" - unless you want to keep them tomorrow as well.



10. Did I ask for your opinion? You had your chance to screw up a kid and now it's my turn, so pipe down with all the unwanted advice.



I know there are more, so let's hear them.





Also, Can you do me a favor and please go to Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest and vote for me?  Thanks.

Wrap Up 1.26.13

This week has been a really productive week for me. (Finally!) I started working on my next book. Did you know I've got another book in the works? Well, I do. It's an anthology that I'm putting together of some of the funniest ladies on the 'net. I started reading through submissions this week and I'm so excited by what I'm seeing. This is going to be such a great book with all new material. Several of your favorites like Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess, Moms Who Drink and Swear, and Robin's Chicks will be in the book along with tons of others you know and even a few hidden gems I discovered that you may not know.



This anthology is something I've wanted to do for a year now. I started thinking about all of the talented ladies I know and how I would love to put together a collection featuring all of them and now I'm finally working towards that goal. I'm very excited.



Because I started working on another book I was advised to start a Facebook page for the author me - as opposed to the blogger me. I have so many hats, I'm like an overachieving writer type. Anyhoo, the author page is where I can keep you updated on the progress of future books and all things writing. The theory is I will not use the blog Facebook page for book updates (as if I can stop myself). I'm going to try that. If you'd like to follow Jen the Author, then click here. I don't post much on there yet, so at least I won't be accused of "clogging" anyone's feed.



Did you join the Twitter party last Sunday? I got caught up in a "Back the Future" marathon with my kids and I couldn't get back to the present to log in. I heard it was a lot of fun. I don't see any reason why I can't be there this week. Be sure to pop in to Twitter and say "Hello" at 9 PM eastern. You can follow the hashtag #spikedpunch or me @throat_punch. 



If you're not hanging out with me on Facebook yet, you should be. Last week I started a new thing where I ask you an ice breaker question. Yesterday was the second one. I asked: If you had to wear the underwear of someone famous, who would you choose and why?



Several people were more than a little grossed out at the question, but you know what? Boohoo. It's a hypothetical question, people. No need to get your panties (not the ones that belong to someone famous) in a bunch. Read the question. Did I say they were used or dirty underwear? Nope. I did not. That's on you. 



The people who decided to have fun with the question came up with lots of hilarious answers. I think my favorite was "Einstein. So I could be a smarty pants."



If you haven't read the answers, do yourself a favor and go read them. 



Also, this week I was nominated for the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest. Last year I got first place. This year I'll be lucky to place in the top 5. The competition is stiff and I loooove so many girls on that list so it feels weird to be "competing" against one another. That being said, you know I'll be pissed if I don't make it to the Top 25, right? So please vote for me each and every day and twice on Sundays from your mobile device. Also, you can vote for EVERYONE on the list. Did you know that? Circle of Moms aren't assholes who make you choose. You get to vote for everyone you like.  



My Favorite Book Review This Week:






5.0 out of 5 stars Does her blog make you laugh? Then this absolutely will, too., January 24, 2013



By 

K. B. (New Jersey, USA) - See all my reviews





Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)

This review is from: Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat (Kindle Edition)
It doesn't have to be Christmas for you to get a good laugh from Jen of the infamous blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat. If you enjoy her rants, raves and reviews online, then this collection of stories of her childhood through her own parenthood will please you to no end. Grab your copy today!



See? You don't have to worry that Christmas is over and that maybe this book isn't relevant anymore. This is a book that crosses lines and can be just as good on President's Day as it was on Christmas Eve. 



Top Read Posts This Week:



Rules for Raising a Boy - This was a classic list (I hate to say "repost") that found a new audience this week. If you have a son then you should totally read this list and then ignore all of my advice, because I have no idea what I'm talking about. Especially the part where I suggest boys never stand to pee. Apparently that emasculates our sons or something like that. All I know is unless he's going to clean up his piddle everywhere, he needs to sit his ass down.



Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - I read an article on Yahoo that inspired me to conduct my own unscientific study. I was surprised to read how many of you sleep naked. I didn't add it up, but I think it's above the national average. Way to get your freak on!



Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror - This post was inspired by last week's getting to know you question. I was surprised how many of us hate the same words like moist, panties, and succulent. I would like to add the word "lover" to the list. In the immortal words of my BFF Tina Fey acting as Liz Lemon "Lovers.. oh, that word bums me out unless it’s between meat and pizza."



Rules for Parents of Daughters - Another classic list where I've been accused of "slut shaming." I honestly don't know what to say this accusation. I'd rather shame my daughter in the hopes that she never becomes a slut rather than encourage her to be a slut. I'm the parent. I make the rules. These rules are for my daughter. If you want to let your daughter be a slut, go for it. 



Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms - Adolpha and I have seen every public restroom out there.



My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):



Wow! There are a lot of people commenting with similar stories. I have six children and none of them had a fetish with pubic toilets or any of that. Maybe its because I never took them anywhere very often. Hah. When my 2nd son was in jr high he always called from school to pick him up cuz of stomach issues. He would come home, poop and then go back to school. Once he hit HS he loves snappin' off a darky at school and leaving it for observation. Does that count? on Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms



Here's some more useless shit that lives in my head. If you are forced to use a public bathroom and there is more than one stall, the first one is statistically the cleanest one in the joint. Think about it, you never want to use the first one. No does anyone else. And if you have a choice between the first one on the right and the first one on the left, go to the right. No one else ever goes in there. Hmmm...maybe my odd knowledge about public bathrooms is not so useless after all. And maybe I shouldn't have told all of you because now you'll all be peeing in the first rest room and getting it dirty and it won't be nice and clean when I get there. Forget I said anything. We never had this conversation. on Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms



Son of a bitch! Somehow I got it in my head that the first stall was the DIRTIEST and so I've always avoided it. Now I'm going to have to rethink my public restroom strategy.



Something I'm really proud of is the fact that I know where EVERY EFFING BATHROOM IN DISNEYWORLD IS (that includes EPCOT, MGM Studios and ANIMAL KINGDOM). Keep in mind we DO NOT live in Florida. on Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms



I was like this too, as a child. My parents used to call me the "bathroom critic." ANYWHERE we went, I had to use the bathroom, and then I'd come back with a full accounting of how many stalls, cleanliness factor, anything cool or out of the ordinary . . . . to this day my favorite was at a funeral home where a lot of our family funerals were held. My mother was aghast when she'd tell me a family member had passed on and would be laid out at XYZ funeral home - I'd respond with an enthusiastic "YES!!!!!" I'm 52 years old now and childbirth has made sure I know where every one of the best public restrooms are located. I've cut back on the commentary, however. on Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms



Ah, yes. My daughter's obsession has been well documented. We've been on The Great American Crapper Tour for years. Uugh. The only thing that stops her in her tracks? Her nemesis: The auto-flush toilet. She is terrified of that powerful suction. on Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms



Lord. That's all it takes. Why just stop with sleeping? Think I trying swimming naked at the county Aquatics Center today. on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment



I have two sheets, a blanket and a down comforter. When I sleep naked, my hoo ha is still swaddled like a newborn. And I like it that way. on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment



Sleeping naked just doesn't work for me. I hate it! Inevitably the hubs will roll over and squish one of my boobs that, due to size and age, does NOT stay where it is supposed to anymore!NOT FUN! on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment



I can sum up in two words why I won't sleep naked: butt sweat. on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment



I always sleep with a sports bra and panties. I've tried sleeping in the nude, and oddly enough, a bare vajayjay was not the problem - I couldn't stand to have these ten pound a piece jugs on my chest on the loose all throughout the night! It felt so odd to be topless and hanging all over the place while I was trying to sleep! Plus, my husband is already a walking-talking-boner. I would not get an ounce of sleep with him next to me if everything was so accessible! on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment



As a man, I'm all for this. Just sayin. Now to convince the wife. I think the belly fat thing will be the clincher. on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment



I love sleeping naked. It’s so much more comfortable and when my hubs is battling insomnia, well that’s always a fun way to be woken up in the middle of the night. Yes, confidence, there is something about walking around or sleeping in your birthday suit that is freeing. The belly fat, well that one is true for me too. Almost nothing left to lose. on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment



Well, aren't you a confident sex kitten who doesn't mind in the least being woken up in the middle of the night for a quickie with your sleepless husband and your flat belly? I can't decide if I like you or hate you because of this comment. 



Here's a confession for you. When I had something to eat that got stuck between my teeth, and there is no thread to be found, guess what I use?!? he he he.. on Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror



I have a friend who is afraid of ham. Not just disgusted by it, but literally afraid of it. She can't be near it or see pictures of it. Any form of ham. on Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror



I have two uteruses(sp?). I hate snakes, with a passion. And I hate the word penis. on Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror



Uteri?



The first time I heard my mom say "Fuck you" to my dad was because he accidentally touched her leg with his toenail in bed the night before. I'm not big on feet, but I'm not that bad. -Amy on Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror



That sounds like a typical night at my house.

Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms

A few months ago I told you about Adolpha's close relationship with the school nurse. Well, tonight I noticed that she's got another strange obsession: public restrooms.



The girl hasn't met a public restroom that she hasn't been curious to try. It's ridiculous. Every time we leave the house she must visit the closest public restroom. It doesn't matter if it's a quick run to Target for socks and underwear, she feels compelled to leave them a deuce. If we take a 30 minute road trip somewhere she needs to stop on the way to check out the filthiest Quik Trip.



It's becoming a real problem, because not only does she have to go into these vile places, I have to go too. The girl can't go alone, don't you know.







Tonight we were heading out for dinner and I insisted that she use the restroom at home before we left, which she did. We were in the car five minutes and I hear this:



Adolpha: Are we close to a bathroom yet? I gotta go.



Me: Adolpha, I told you go to try before we left the house.



Adolpha: I did try, but it didn't want to come and now it does.



Me: Adolpha, I don't understand this. Why can't you go at home? Why do you insist on going in public all the time? The public bathrooms are yucky.



Adolpha: I don't know. I just know I need to get there now, because at the house my pee didn't want to come, but now it wants to come and bring poop with it!



Can someone please tell me this is a phase that she'll outgrow? I am so skeeved out by the number of public restrooms Adolpha and I visit on a daily basis. My mantra is "Don't. Touch. Anything." If we don't catch the flu off the shopping cart at Sam's Club, we'll catch Hepatitis A off the toilet seat.



I've been nominated as one of Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms. If you think I'm funny and you have a moment, would you please vote for me? It's easy and fast, I promise. Just click here, find me on the list and vote. Done and done. Thank you.

Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment

I read an article called "Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked." After reading the list, I decided I would try it. These are my un-scientific findings:





I looked just like this last night. Except for the long beautiful hair. And the perfect make up. And the flawless, young skin. But really close.



1. You'll air out your hoo-ha. First of all, my hoo-ha gets plenty of air, thank you very much. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm walking around naked all the time getting fresh air up my vajayjay, but it's also not like I'm wearing super tight granny panties either that are cutting off all the clean, crisp breezes to my nether regions. I'm not convinced my hoo-ha needs any more air.



2. You'll sleep better. A doctor was consulted for this one and she insists that our body temperatures drop when we sleep and if we're all bundled up in over-warm pjs, our body temps won't drop far enough. OK, my house is kept at a balmy 68 degrees so my body temperature is dropping even in flannel pjs. When I tried to sleep naked, I shivered all night long. I think I suffered from hypothermia. A Polar Bear Swim would have been less shock to my system than my 3 am potty break wake up. Holy shit it was a cold run to the toilet and back again.



3. You'll look hotter. I continued to stay naked after my frigid 3 am potty break, because I really believed this one. Supposedly if I stay cooler at night "regenerative magic" is worked on my skin and hair. I looked in the mirror this morning and I thought my skin looked a little less wrinkly. It could also be that half of the lights in my bathroom are burned out and I look my best in the resulting "soft" light.



4. You'll lose belly fat. Uh OK, sign me up. I will walk around naked all damn day if this one is true. Yeah, this one sounds like bullshit. The theory here is that if I sleep more soundly (and I will because I'm cool and not overly hot) then my body will allow levels of the stress hormone cortisol to decrease and then I won't wake up hungry for comfort foods. Here's where this plan just backfired. The one thing that always makes me crave comfort foods is being cold. Guess what? I woke up cold. Guess what I wanted? My fleece muumuu and a stack of pancakes. However! I did shiver all night long and that surely burned at least 24 to 30 calories.



5. You'll feel more confident. Sleeping naked makes you feel sexy ergo feeling sexy makes you confident. Yes, I could feel the cool sensations of the sheets all over my body, etc., but that didn't make me feel sexy and/or confident. Instead it made me think, Wow, these sheets are cold on my hoo-ha and Ouch, when did I eat chips in bed? 



6. You'll have better sex. I have no idea if this is true or not. The Hubs was already asleep when I decided to try this little experiment - I'm no dummy.



I've been nominated as one of Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms. If you have a moment, could you please vote for me. It's easy and fast, I promise. Just click here, find me on the list and vote. Done. Thank you.

Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror

Do you follow me on Facebook? Well, if you do then you'll know that last week my friend, Tara, over at You Know it Happens at Your House Too asked her readers a question. It made me think I should ask my readers a question too. I couldn't think of one that was better than YKIHAYHT's so I just stole hers instead.



The question was I want to know something strange about you. Something that bothers you, a strange talent, whatever. I'll go first.



I said I wasn't crazy about feet. Bare feet freak me out and gross me out. I think they're stinky (even if they're fresh from a shower) and gross. I especially don't like people with finger-like toes. I refer to those as "monkey toes". Both the Hubs and Adolpha have monkey toes. I have nubby toes. My littlest toe doesn't even bend it's so bitty - it's really just a nub. I don't know what purpose it could possibly serve, other than to give the Hubs one more body part of mine to make fun of, but at least it isn't a monkey toe.



I put it out there and quickly found out that I am not alone in my foot aversion. So many people chimed in about their hatred of feet as well. One reader even mentioned attending a party where a man put his bare feet on a sofa table next to the party dip. I practically yakked on that one. 



After reading the 900 or so comments I started noticing that we are all very similar (and we're a bunch of freaks - but in a good way). So many of the same topics came up time and time again.






SOUNDS - Did you know there is a condition called Misophonia? It's the hatred of sound. Many, many of you have this condition (actual diagnosis and self-diagnosed) and so noises were high on the list. 




Slurping/loud chewing - I hadn't really thought of that one until I read it while the Hubs sat next to me eating a bowl of noodle soup. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Slurping is revolting. There isn't anything quite as disgusting as listening to someone opening his gaping maw as wide as he can so steaming hot soup can gurgle down his throat. He doesn't chew, because I think he just swallows everything whole. I readily admit that I chew gum like a cow. I also crack and pop it, which was another thing that many people complained about. Whoops.

Silverware on teeth - You know, those people who bite down on the tines of their forks. I got the chills writing that one.

Mouth breathing and/or wet talkers - It's more than just the sound of someone wheezing it's also the sight of that white, foamy spittle collecting in the corners of someone's mouth and the spray they emit every time they speak.

Dogs licking their junk - Yet another reason I don't ever want a dog.

Flip flops - Thwack, thwack, thwack.




TEXTURES




Cotton - Many complained they need to moisturize their hands before they fold towels and t-shirts. Also, there were quite a few mentions of actual cotton balls and Q-tips. 

Velvet

Velour

Wooden sticks or spoons in the
mouth - I had never realized wood was such a common thing to loathe. I actually like to lick my wooden stick clean when I have a fudgesicle. Yum. Now I want a fudgesicle.

Biting tin foil - This came up a lot. I just want to know who does this and why?




BODY PARTS




Feet

Teeth - Holy cow there are a lot of you who hate teeth! You can't watch someone brush their teeth, you can't stand the taste of toothpaste, you're freaked out by loose teeth and lots of people worry that someone else is using your toothbrush. I don't like to see my kid's loose tooth hanging by one sinewy thread and I would never pull it out for her. 

Ear wax and ear hair - They sell ear hair trimmers. If you're a man over the age of 40 you should look into buying one of these. You're welcome, world.

Belly buttons - Do not touch the belly button!

Long fingernails on either sex

Vomit - Not really a body part, but it comes out of a body part. Lots of people are more than a little grossed out by someone else's vomit. Someone is probably puking right now just from reading this.




ANIMALS THAT PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF - No doubt some of these are freaky like scorpions, but kittens and bunnies?  




Kittens

Bunnies

Scorpions

Frogs

Lizards

Butterflies - Apparently these frightening beauties made the list because of their "hairy" bodies.

Caterpillars

Praying mantises

Birds – Many kinds, but hawks came up the most.

Hippos

Crickets

Swarms of anything




PHOBIAS/FEARS




Clowns - Many blamed the movie "Poltergeist" for ruining this one for them. 

Balloons - Who knew balloons were so terrifying? Right up there with bunnies, I guess.

Walking over grates or manhole covers - This is one I can relate to. I never cared until I spent some time in China and my tour guide casually mentioned to our group that we should avoid grates and manhole covers because many of them are not properly installed and people fall through them all the time. Now I avoid them at all costs, no matter what country I am in.




NUMBERS




Several people count everything around them. Besides the counters, there those who must have even numbers in all things. Their thermostat is set at an even number and the volume on their TV is an even number and so on. I found it really interesting that NONE of the number lovers like odd numbers.



STRANGE TALENTS - Many responses were focused on the "something that bothers you" part of the question, but a few shared their "strange talents."



I saw at least two women share that they've never been able to grow any armpit hair. I would like that strange talent. Someone else has two uvulas (the first time I read the comment,  I thought it said two vulvas). Several people can wiggle their ear, nose and/or eyes. Many have talented tongues. They can tie cherry stems in knots and one woman eats her raisins by separating the skins and keeping them stored in her cheek for later until she's finished eating all of the innards of her raisins first.



WORDS THAT SKEEVE PEOPLE









Did you miss the fun the first time? No worries, just leave a comment and answer the question now. We could all use a good laugh so we thank you in advance.

Weekly Wrap Up 1.19.13

Happy Saturday! What's on the agenda for this weekend? I'm going to a book signing for a local author today and then to my aunt and uncle's 40th wedding anniversary party. I'll need to actually shower and get dressed up for both of these events, but I figured it was a lot of work for a good cause, because surely, I'll get some good material to write about. Uncle Carl and his daughter will be there tonight (not his party) and I'm thinking of getting a present for the happy couple that I can put THEIR name on. Any ideas? 



I didn't get much done this week, because I was too busy reading Ready Player One . This is a book for the children of the 80s and the geekier you are, the more you will like it. I read a review that said it was "Willy Wonka meets The Matrix" and that sums it up perfectly. I finished it yesterday and let's just say that last night I couldn't stop dreaming about being in a game of Pac Man.



Did you join me on Twitter last Sunday night during the Golden Globes? You didn't? You should have. You would have laughed. Not at me. I'm not that funny on Twitter. I need more than 140 characters for my brand of humor. My witty friends who join me on Twitter are the funny ones. I just hang out and retweet them. If you're not busy this Sunday, it would be great if you stopped by at 9 PM EST. It's easy, just log on to Twitter and look for me @throat_punch or follow #spikedpunch. 



Are you following me on Facebook yet? Yesterday was hilarious. I saw a question my friend You Know it Happens at Your House Too asked her Facebook peeps and I was all, That's a great question. I should come up with my own funny, interesting question too! and then two minutes later I decided, Screw that, I'll just steal her question. This was such a great idea, because I got some awesome answers. I can't wait until YKIHAYT comes up with another super question I can steal.



Top Read Posts This Week:



Rules for Parents of Daughters - A few months ago I wrote a list of rules I'd like to teach my daughter. Scarymommy asked me if she could repost it on her blog and I said Yes. Do you ever say No to Scarymommy? You never say No to someone who has "scary" or "punch" in their blog title. Some people enjoy this list, some people are horrified and offended by this list. Eh, those people can bite me.



How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic - The flu is spreading around Manhattan like . . . well, the flu . . . and NYC is taking extreme measures like asking little kids to stop shaking hands after their soccer games while they ignore the petri dish of filth that is the subway system.



The Makers of the iPad Toilet - One more dumb thing that some grandparent will think is a great idea for your kid.



Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT - I watched the Golden Globes with my internet friends on Twitter (yeah, I don't have much of a life) and then I wrote a review of the show.



Jen's Top 11 Favorite Posts - These aren't the most popular reads or crowd favorites. They're mine. They're the ones I like the best.



Book Update:



I always love when another holiday rolls around, because it gives my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat another chance to shine. I'm seeing a nice little MLK, Jr. Day bump. Attention boyfriends and husbands - less than a month to get your copy for your lady love for Valentine's Day. I can't guarantee you'll get lucky with this purchase, but I can guarantee you'll laugh your ass off together. Caution - Do not drink your expensive champagne while you read this book, because you'll be pissed when it comes out your nose.



My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):



omgosh - i'm not leaving the house again until spring...or touching money ever. again. and yeah kids are gross and boy kids are even more gross. They'll pick up a toothpick on the subway and chew on it and then chase those germs with a good lick of that pole. on How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic



I just read this after getting home from the Pedi's office where, in the waiting room, I witnessed wee ones snotting all over the toys in there and then putting their fingers in their mouths. I almost gagged. Why not retire the toys during flu season? I know it's hard to keep them busy while they wait but yuck. All I can think of is..."came to doc's office for one thing, left with 3 more things.." You're welcome. Wake up me up when this season is over...this has been a nightmare. Hilariously disturbing post by the way. xoxo I'd high five you, but you know...**cough** on How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic



I try not to even let my kids sit on the chairs in the ped's office - let alone play with those disgusting toys. Even the doc tells you not to let your kids play with the toys because they're so contaminated. Ick.



I'm not a germophobe either but my favorite is going to a birthday party and someone cuts the cake...and licks his/her hands between each slice! Seriously! At least do that where I can't see it! on How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic



But cake tastes so much better when I lick it off my fingers. Yum!



When I was bank teller, I had a young girl that came in who was a stripper, and every Monday she would bring in lots of cash, (mostly 1's), and some of them were wet, stuck together, and they always smelled like beer and sex. I always washed my hands really good after handling her money. She was very sweet though,...I could see why she made so much! on How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic



"Fuck Mums, I Came to Win" should totally be Taylor Swift's next song. I mean, she'll lose half her fan base as we all would stand by Adele's obvious awesomeness, but she does need to expand her repertoire away from serial dating. on Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT



I can't believe you didn't give Tommy Lee Jones a punch for the Kristin Wiig and Will Farrell's hilarious routine for the actress category. They were so funny, everyone was laughing, and the camera pans over to him and he's sitting there all like 'I will cut you'. Dude, lighten up. It's what they do. on Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT



I saw Tommy Lee Jones, but I really thought he was trying to be funny. I could be wrong, but his sense of humor is incredibly dry and I'm guessing he was teasing them. If he wasn't, then, yes he's a jerk. Plus, I can't punch him because he looks like the Grumpy Cat and I looooove the Grumpy Cat.



Jodie Foster is gay, y'all. In other shocking news: Chocolate is delicious and puppies are cute. I was proud of her and she does look fab for 50. But she needs to get that malignant growth, Mel Gibson removed from her ass. What is up with that friendship?? Don't get it. on Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT



My three year old just saw that picture, and she's considering regressing so she can lobby for her own iShitter. on The Makers of the iPad Toilet



Toddler hands on my tablet is gross enough, but toddlers playing with their hoohoos and weewees while playing my tablet at the same time, no thanks. on The Makers of the iPad Toilet



FYI on the twitter chat, for those who it goes too fast can use tweetchat makes it a chat room, tweetchat.com/room/whateveryourhashtagis. I host a quilting twitter chat every week and lots like it, especially newbies on Weekly Wrap Up 1.5.13



Ohh, this is good to know. I will definitely try it on Sunday! Thanks for the tip.



Alec Baldwin mentioned Stockholm syndrome on 30Rock tonight--Tina must be totally reading your blog. ;) on Contact Me



One can only hope. Call me, Colonel!



How about teaching your daughter not to use misogynistic swear words like "douche" and all its variants? on Rules for Parents of Daughters



The word "douche" is the only word that works perfectly for people who are so stupid they have to be compared to a product that cleans a dirty vagina. The word douche isn't insulting to women, the actual product is an insult so I don't mind using the word or its variants. And if you take issue with this word, I can't imagine what you must think of the rest of my blog. I once told a whiny guy that his vagina hurt. 



She can use the men's room! I've done it and will do it again if the need arises! Although, it was a one-stall restroom. on Rules for Parents of Daughters


Exactly. But have you tried to use a urinal?

The Makers of the iPad Toilet

OK, just when I thought I'd seen it all, I find out there is an iPad Potty. It was actually just introduced at a trade show recently, but I'm sure it won't be long before it's available at a retailer near you.



It's been a while since I potty trained kids. I remember it took a long time and it wasn't fun. I remember there were plenty of boring moments watching my kids sit on the pot. I had two kids who required deep concentration to do their business and so books or even light conversation was discouraged.



I understand that you want your kid to sit there for a bit and go, go, go, and they need something to encourage them to sit there, but this really seems like too much. Is it any wonder our kids can't concentrate on anything these days? If they can't sit on a toilet for ten minutes without watching an entire episode of "Dora the Explorer" then you have a bigger problem than potty training.





"What do you want to do while we go? Watch Backyardigans or play Angry Birds?"

The real problem is that this device was originally intended for parents who have given up and are willing to try just about anything to make enormous dirty diapers a thing of the past, but it will quickly be appropriated by the overachievers. Right now this gizmo appeals to the defeated parent who is looking for one more idea that might help them potty train, but they just can't sit there any longer and read a book to Jeghnny while she experiences yet another false alarm. More and more of the tired parents will spread the word about this genius invention and that's when the overachieving lot will get wind. They will sit down and put pencil to paper and calculate that Axel spends roughly two hours a day sitting on the throne trying to go and that time is just "wasted." Sure, you could read him a book, but that wouldn't be a good use of his prime education time. It would be better to download Little Pim Chinese lessons on your iPad and make sure Axel is learning his 5 proper tones while he's squeezing one out. It would also be the perfect spot to peruse Pinterest for ideas for Axel's Potty Party and Potty Parade for when he celebrates his first real flush.





$40 dollars buys you a front seat to your own iPad. (iPad not included.)





Eh, who am I kidding? This thing just prepares our kids for their futures. Does anyone take a dump these days without checking their smartphones?

How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic

I read today that a New York City youth soccer league is taking precautions to stop the spread of the flu virus that is raging through Manhattan. They are discouraging their elementary school aged players from giving high fives to one another for a good play or shaking hands with their opponents after a game.



So when Rocco scores a goal his teammates need to give him an air five and when Isolde's team beats the pants off Fern's team, they will nod at each other and say "Good game" instead of shake hands. Yeah, that should totally stop the spread of flu! Great idea.



Right, because this will make a dent in the amount of new cases of influenza popping up in New York City. Don't get me wrong, kids are filthy little creatures full of germs and they love to spread them and I'm always looking for new ways to avoid touching them. (This is why I could never be a school teacher. I literally cringe when I see my son's teacher pet his sweaty mop of hair or hold his grimy hand. I always remind her that we don't pay her hazard pay and that I love that kid with my whole being, but I still won't let him touch me until he's had a shower.) However, I don't think stopping a handshake or a high five is going to do much when New York City is in the grips of a flu epidemic.



Not when the rest of the city is so disgusting.



Let's talk about the subway. A high five is banned, because that can transfer germs, but what about the subway? Even on a good day when there isn't a pandemic, the subway is a cesspool. How about disinfecting the subway? Do you know what lives on those poles that everyone holds on to? I've actually seen people lick the pole and wipe their snot on the pole and wipe God only knows what else on the pole. Do you know how close you ride to some infected asshole who was far too important to take the day off for a "touch of the flu"? Close enough that when the asshole sneezes, he sneezes in your mouth. Maybe everyone who rides the subway should be issued a mask and a pair of disposable gloves. Or a haz mat suit. If I still lived there, I would be commuting in a haz mat suit at this point. It's the only logical and sane choice. (Believe it or not, I'm not even a huge germaphobe, can you imagine how real germaphobes are handling this flu outbreak?)



What about taxi cabs? I didn't take taxis very often since the subway was so much cheaper, but when I did, I always tried not to touch anything.  Even though every surface is plastic and it seems like the interior of the cab could just be hosed down every night, I got the impression that that rarely happens. I would perch on the edge of my seat and hold all of my belongings in my lap. I never wanted to rest my head against the seat, because I was afraid of getting lice. I'd seen enough episodes of "Taxi Cab Confessions" to freak out if there was a sticky spot on the seat. Plus, again there is a strong chance of catching a sneeze in the face, cab drivers love to work when they're sick. They can't make money if they're home in bed.



What about street vendors and bartenders? How many grubby hands touch people's food and drinks along with germy money and credit cards? Plus, this is another industry where people don't get paid sick leave, so you know they're dragging their feverish bodies into work and squeezing a lime in your drink or serving up your souvlaki with their bare hands.





I would rather catch the flu than touch this dollar bill. I don't think I can ever touch cash again.


And the sheer volume of contaminated door handles, elevator buttons, escalator handles, and stair rails in that city makes my skin crawl.



I think it was a good effort put forth by the soccer league, but until New York douses itself in Purell and Lysol and issues haz mat suits, a ban on high fives at soccer games isn't going to do squat.

Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT

What a pretty doorstop.

Last night some friends and I live-tweeted during the Golden Globes and I had so much fun predicting who would win and why.



Before the show started I had to make some observations about the ladies' fashion. (I think there some men there too, but I have no opinions about wide lapels vs. narrow lapels. I just know a few men looked like undertakers.) There was a lot of double stick tape in use last night. What was the deal with all those boobies taped to the side so we could see down their middle? Very few women can carry off that look and many of them weren't there last night. I think there were a couple of DIY dresses: J-Lo couldn't find anything she liked so she grabbed a few doilies at the last minute and covered her nude body suit with them and Lucy Liu obviously tore down the drapes in her hotel room and wore those. At awards shows I'm always reminded how much Sofia Vergara looks like a real live Jessica Rabbit. If you're going to pick a spicy Latina though, I think Salma Hayek took home that trophy last night. (Hubs would not shut up about how "tousled" she looked. I think that's code for "just rolled out of my bed.")  The best quote of the night about fashion on my Twitter feed was from @jelbutle who tweeted "Is Giuliana dressed as a riverboat madam?" Seriously. Did you see that hot mess? She's a fashion expert? What do I know? I was wearing a fleece muumuu.



The night started with my BFF Tina Fey and her BFF Amy Poehler killing their opening. They brought some much deserved snark down on James Franco and his Oscar hosting skills. (Did you watch the Oscars last year? He barely phoned in his performance.) After James Franco, they also made certain that they would never be hired to appear in a James Cameron movie (Eh, who wants to be in Avatar 2 anyway?) after they said poor Kathryn Bigelow learned all about torture during her marriage to him. That's when @angrivated tweeted "James Cameron's balls just shrank back into his body."



The Colonel looked fabulous and she was hilarious. I was so nervous before the show, because NBC was hyping it so much and it's hard to live up to that kind of pressure. I don't know why I was nervous, though, because of course she delivered!



I just wish there was more of her!



Do you ever try and guess the winners? I like to, but I've rarely seen any of the movies (the Hubs always makes us wait for the DVDs to be available at the library) so I can't really make an educated guess. Instead, I just follow my tried and true cheat sheet. Here are some tips you can follow while playing along at home:



1. The awards are given by the Hollywood Foreign Press - note FOREIGN - so of course they're going to favor anything foreign. When in doubt of who to pick for winners on your game card at home - always go for the foreigner.



Look at these winners from last night:



Daniel Day Lewis - Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama



Christopher Waltz - Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture



Damian Lewis - Best Actor in a Television Miniseries Drama - This one threw me for a minute. I am a huge "Homeland" fan and to me, Brody is an all-American hero who just can't open his mouth very wide. When Damian Lewis gave his acceptance speech he sounded like an extra from "Mary Poppins." I'd never heard his brogue before and I kept thinking he was putting it on and that his "Brody" voice would come back. I forgot to watch his mouth though and see if he opens it wider when he speaks normally. Anyone notice?



Maggie Smith - Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television - Ms. Smith (I would never deign to call her "Maggie") was up against some young, hot competition and she proved my second tip:



2. When you have old (saucy) dames in a category with young hotties, go for old dames (and it doesn't hurt if she's foreign too - double whammy). I haven't seen "Hitchcock" or "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" so I'm assuming Helen Mirren and Judi Dench weren't saucy enough. Sally Field and Meryl Streep aren't old dames - yet. That's why HFP went with Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, and Anne Hathaway (plus, sometimes the odds makers are right).



3. Adele always wins. If Adele is in your category, you'd better just have a fake smile to plant on your face. Poor Taylor Swift needs to learn this lesson. Did you see her last night? Adele was giving her adorable speech about how she didn't expect to win and had just come to have a Moms' Night Out (yeah, MNO at the Golden Globes, can you imagine?) with her friend who is also a new mom. Adele said something like, "We're just mums who came for some fun!" At that moment the camera panned to Taylor Swift whose look said, "Fuck mums. I came to win." 



4. I don't know why they put comedy and musical together. It's the strangest pairing. Poor comedy rarely has a chance against a big sweeping musical and this year was no different. Les Mis took out every funny entry. I haven't seen this movie yet, but the previews make me cry so I'm positive I will love this one. I'm hoping to sneak out later this week during the school day so I can sit in a theater by myself and sing and sob all at the same time.



5. When picking the animation winner, always bet on Disney. Helllooooo . . . what is the first name you think of when you think animated movies? "Brave" was the only movie I saw in this category and I have to say I was disappointed in this one. How did I miss that three quarters of this movie was about a girl and a bear?? I never once saw a bear in the previews. I appreciated that she was a strong heroine who didn't need rescuing and instead spent her time working out her issues with her mom, but I thought this one was boring. Good thing the animation was beautiful so I had something to enjoy. Because "Brave" won this category and is considered the "best," I'm not sure I want to see any of the others now.



6. Ugly crying and uncomfortable nudity always win. This is why two of my favorite shows won quite a bit last night. "Homeland" (is there ever an episode where Carrie doesn't lose it?) and "Girls" (Lena Dunham is not afraid to let it all hang out and have awkward sex). I love Lena, but it was like a knife in my heart when she said that Tina and Amy got her through "middle school." WTF is that, Lena? Ouch, little girl. You don't call out the Colonel like that. Be warned, though, she will come back one day and win - when she is a saucy dame. Saucy dame beats uncomfortable nudity every time.



7. If Jodie Foster gets the Cecil B. DeMille Award then I am old. In case Lena Dunham didn't make me feel old enough, giving Jodie Foster a Lifetime Achievement Award did me in. Remember when they used to give those to old people? People who needed canes and walkers to get on stage? Jodie looked fantastic for 50 and I think she came out of the closet, but then she said she's been out for years. I missed the memo on that one. I think she also retired from acting. I couldn't follow. Maybe she was drunk? Her speech wasn't any stranger than Kevin Costner's. What was that all about? I think he might be suicidal. Someone should check on him today. All I know is if Jodie is happy, then I'm happy.



8. If the Oscars snubbed someone that Hollywood likes, the Golden Globes will make it right. Did you see how many times "Argo" won last night? That was the Golden Globes saying a big old F-you to the Oscars. But the Oscars just laughed and said, Please. We're the old dame, bitch.



Don't forget to follow me on Twitter on Oscar night!

Weekly Wrap Up 1.12.13

The new Pinterest board I started last week is really going well. Do you follow me on Pinterest yet? What are you waiting for? It's ah-MAY-zing. Seriously, Pinterest is great. I pin funny stuff. I pin recipes I'll never make. I pin crafts I've made with my kids. I pin books I want to read. My new board is all about bloggers I like. I've invited a bunch that I read and I've opened it to the public. Anyone can join - let me know if you want in. I figure it's an easier way to keep track of blogs without overwhelming my Google Reader, plus this way I can share them with my Pinterest followers.

I'm having a Twitter party this Sunday. Actually, every Sunday. Every Sunday night at 9 PM EST log on to Twitter and look for me @throat_punch or follow #spikedpunch. It's a fun time with a bunch of hysterical people chatting about absolute nonsense. For those of you who are worried Twitter moves too fast, etc. You're right. It does. However, you get better at it the more you do it. I can actually keep up with half the conversation now and I can last an hour before my head explodes. This Sunday I'm shooting for an hour and a half.



Top Read Posts This Week:



People Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook - We are all guilty of it, just some more than others.



The Best Wedding Present I Received - I'm pretty sure my grandma went to a sex shop for my gift.



Would This Happen at Target? - Only Wally World has these kinds of problems.



Anyone Who Throws an Ultrasound Party - Yes, there's another stupid trend in parties.



I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome - I'm being held captive, but I think I'm in love with my captor.



Book Update:



Sales of my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat are still going strong. I think my suggestion of making this book a Valentine's Day present is starting to sink in with the husbands and boyfriends who read this blog. Trust me, fellas, your girls are going to love this book.



If you have read the book and you haven't already left me a review on Amazon I would greatly appreciate it. 



My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):



This is awesome! My focus is on Joni. I need her to replace a few of my facebook friends, please. Some of my people get uptight when I share an ecard with the word 'hell' or 'damn', I can not even think of sharing anything with 'fuck'....damnit. If a vibrator discussion showed up I think there would be some deaths among my facebook friends. So yeah, I need her! My MIL gave me lingerie, fairly conservitive - appropriate. It was not weird, like your thing. LOL! Devan on The Best Wedding Present I Received



This sex kit has been passed around for years and then your cousin finally cracked it open. Hmm.. I wonder if edible underwear has an expiration date... on The Best Wedding Present I Received



I'd like to add people who overshare their medical problems to the list. I have a friend who feels the need to not only tell us all about her medical problems(and they are extensive)but also posts pictures of her open wounds and xrays.I had to take her off my feed because I never knew when a gross picture would pop up and make me throw up in my mouth a little. I'd love to unfriend her because she is a whole bag of drama,but she's also my next door neighbor and our kids play together. At least she's stopped coming over to tell me her problems in person since her claustrophobia has kicked in. onPeople Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook



I do it all the time. Most people hate me. I'm ok with that. on People Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook



I'm totally guilty of number 1 which seems to occur fairly frequently as I have 6 kids. I mentor (and have as friends on facebook) a number of university students so I rationalize my vomit posts by saying they're reminding these women to use birth control. on People Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook



I really think you need to have an IUD ultrasound party. When's your birthday? I'll start working on the invitations. on Anyone Who Throws an Ultrasound Party



Since I don't plan on having kids, I'm feeling kind of shafted over here with these party ideas. Can I have an MRI party every time they scan my brain? We can all eat brain-shaped jello. I'll have to remember this when I have my first colonoscopy too. I'll be serving laxative-laced brownies and we can all have a race to the toilet. Loser is on clean-up duty. So many possible party games! on Anyone Who Throws an Ultrasound Party



Is the new game "Guess How Dilated"? on Anyone Who Throws an Ultrasound Party



I was infatuated with you at Christmas Elf. Then I have to admit, I moved on to other blog crushes, then to self satisfying myself with my own blog. This post made me fall back in Blog Love with you, the second I saw this thumbnail pic.WHY?? Well, because I too have drawn on steamy shower doors. I actually spelled out what your finger is saying. My hubs wanted to have a talk about the budget while I was shampooing. That deserves a big F U! (Or punch) Thanks for writing this post. It could not have come at a better time, as husband annoyance around the house is a big one for me. How can a 2 story house give you no where to hide? Great Post Jen! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome



I just recently started following your stuff and love it great job!! This quote you made is hilarious!!! We should all write naughty books, because holy shit, those suckers sell! After reading 50 Shades, I'm not sure it would be that hard. I'm going to take The Hunger Games and sex it up. The arena will be filled with sex toys and whoever can...satisfy...all their opponents wins. I'll need a Thesaurus, though, because I can't think of too many ways to say "throbbing." I am going to find a way to pin it :)) on 50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review



Hello Jen- I LOVE YOU!! Totally in a non stalker fashion. I am a therapist who works with teens. I think you are genius. Thank God for you. I love to laugh, good grammar and "real" content. Thank you from the bottom of my heart :) on Contact Me



I had to read this post one more time as I am headed to my date with Don Wand as well. And then had the thought that maybe, just maybe, I should relax and enjoy it since its the most action I get every 3-6 months since possibly 2006:) Thanks for the laughs!! on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing