Jen Mann's Blog, page 37
March 15, 2013
You're Going to Want this Shit
So today is a day of catching you up on all sorts of fun things that have been going on around here. I'll just warn you right now, there is a lot of bragging going on and it ain't humble, so put on your waders so you can get through this.
OK, here we go:
1. I don't know if you've heard or not, but I'm in a new book. We're kind of a big deal (in our own minds at least) and according to Amazon. Check this out:
That's not even Photoshopped! That's for real! Now, don't ask me what my house looks like this week or if my children have eaten anything besides Pirate Booty and protein bars, and I might not have showered since Monday, but I can't remember. Who cares? We're number one!!
Did you get a copy yet? You can do it here. Have you left me a review? I neeeed those. They make me feel pretty. Please think about stroking my hair in the form of a review. If you need an idea of what to say, this is a good example:
5.0 out of 5 stars Laughed so hard I peed!, March 14, 2013
By
leeat evenary medina - See all my reviews
This review is from: I Just Want to Pee Alone (Kindle Edition)
Hilarious, real accounts of the wondrous ride called motherhood!! The stories in the book capture the moments that are hilarious in retrospect, but at the time drove even the best mommy to drink so as not to do or say anything they'd regret! It's so wonderful to read about other moms going through the same experiences as you and handling it with humor and realism!
2. I've been nominated for a Bloggie Award. These are really important to bloggers, because they give you a house or something. Oh wait, they don't. Money? Yup. I get lots of money if I win!! Oh wait, if I win this sucker I get $20.13 in pennies.
But! I also get a huge boost to my ego and an enormous sense of personal satisfaction and I can tell that girl who picked on me in third grade to "Suck it." The voting is kind of intense, but luckily, my friend Crappy Pictures has a whole easy to follow along illustrated post to show you how to vote. Please check it out and then vote for me for WEBLOG OF THE YEAR (imagine that with the whole echo-effect) and then vote for Crappy for BEST PARENTING OR FAMILY WEBLOG. If I win, then I can use the money buy Crappy's new book.
3. I've been chosen to join the cast of Listen to Your Mother Kansas City, because I'm bossy. I will be appearing live and on stage (ack, I just threw up thinking about it) reading something really funny. Please come and see me so I'm not reading to an empty room. Here are the deets:
Listen to Your Mother Kansas City
Saturday, May 11, 2013
7-9 PM
Unity Temple the Plaza
The show is PG-13 (duh, 'cause I'll be there) so leave the little ones at home.
Tickets are $12 in advance and $15 the day of and 10% of ticket proceeds benefit the Rose Brooks Center. I am working for free. You can buy your tickets here.
If you're unfamiliar with what Listen to Your Mother is, you can read all about it here. There will be performances in many other cities, so check out your local show.
4. I am getting ready to get my read on!! I love this time of year, because it seems like everyone and their mother has a book coming out in March or April. This year I am crazy excited, because so many of my friends have books coming out. Yeah, I'm totally going to be able to brag to everyone I know that these soon-to-be best selling authors are my "friends."
Don't be jelly. These girls are bitchin (I totally think "bitchin" needs to come back and I'm making sure it does) and they can be your friends too. All you have to do is buy their books, leave them a fabulous review on Amazon, and then follow their blogs and then through the magical powers of the Internet they're your bitchin friends too!
So, go grab these books. They haven't dropped yet, but they're all available on pre-order:
Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind by Nicole Knepper (Moms Who Drink and Swear blog)
Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies) by Jill Smokler (Scary Mommy blog)
Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures by Amber Dusick (Crappy Pictures blog)
OK, here we go:
1. I don't know if you've heard or not, but I'm in a new book. We're kind of a big deal (in our own minds at least) and according to Amazon. Check this out:
That's not even Photoshopped! That's for real! Now, don't ask me what my house looks like this week or if my children have eaten anything besides Pirate Booty and protein bars, and I might not have showered since Monday, but I can't remember. Who cares? We're number one!!
Did you get a copy yet? You can do it here. Have you left me a review? I neeeed those. They make me feel pretty. Please think about stroking my hair in the form of a review. If you need an idea of what to say, this is a good example:
5.0 out of 5 stars Laughed so hard I peed!, March 14, 2013
By
leeat evenary medina - See all my reviews
This review is from: I Just Want to Pee Alone (Kindle Edition)
Hilarious, real accounts of the wondrous ride called motherhood!! The stories in the book capture the moments that are hilarious in retrospect, but at the time drove even the best mommy to drink so as not to do or say anything they'd regret! It's so wonderful to read about other moms going through the same experiences as you and handling it with humor and realism!
2. I've been nominated for a Bloggie Award. These are really important to bloggers, because they give you a house or something. Oh wait, they don't. Money? Yup. I get lots of money if I win!! Oh wait, if I win this sucker I get $20.13 in pennies.
But! I also get a huge boost to my ego and an enormous sense of personal satisfaction and I can tell that girl who picked on me in third grade to "Suck it." The voting is kind of intense, but luckily, my friend Crappy Pictures has a whole easy to follow along illustrated post to show you how to vote. Please check it out and then vote for me for WEBLOG OF THE YEAR (imagine that with the whole echo-effect) and then vote for Crappy for BEST PARENTING OR FAMILY WEBLOG. If I win, then I can use the money buy Crappy's new book.
3. I've been chosen to join the cast of Listen to Your Mother Kansas City, because I'm bossy. I will be appearing live and on stage (ack, I just threw up thinking about it) reading something really funny. Please come and see me so I'm not reading to an empty room. Here are the deets:
Listen to Your Mother Kansas City
Saturday, May 11, 2013
7-9 PM
Unity Temple the Plaza
The show is PG-13 (duh, 'cause I'll be there) so leave the little ones at home.
Tickets are $12 in advance and $15 the day of and 10% of ticket proceeds benefit the Rose Brooks Center. I am working for free. You can buy your tickets here.
If you're unfamiliar with what Listen to Your Mother is, you can read all about it here. There will be performances in many other cities, so check out your local show.
4. I am getting ready to get my read on!! I love this time of year, because it seems like everyone and their mother has a book coming out in March or April. This year I am crazy excited, because so many of my friends have books coming out. Yeah, I'm totally going to be able to brag to everyone I know that these soon-to-be best selling authors are my "friends."
Don't be jelly. These girls are bitchin (I totally think "bitchin" needs to come back and I'm making sure it does) and they can be your friends too. All you have to do is buy their books, leave them a fabulous review on Amazon, and then follow their blogs and then through the magical powers of the Internet they're your bitchin friends too!
So, go grab these books. They haven't dropped yet, but they're all available on pre-order:
Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind by Nicole Knepper (Moms Who Drink and Swear blog)
Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies) by Jill Smokler (Scary Mommy blog)
Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures by Amber Dusick (Crappy Pictures blog)
March 14, 2013
Companies Who Think Women are Dolts
This week it has been brought to my attention that more and more companies think women are morons. It started with that stupid Bic for Her pen that comes in the adorable feminine colors: pink and purple and without a cap, because women just lose pen caps all day long.
Today I've heard about two different companies that are making a name for themselves by treating us like idiots.
The first one is the ePad Femme. What is the ePad Femme, you ask? I know it sounds like some new amazing feminine hygiene product ("Now with wings and micro-weave fibers!"), but no, it's better than that. It's a tablet designed just for our tiny hands and brains. This tablet comes with a lovely pink background and pre-loaded apps, because downloading apps is hard, yo. The pre-loaded apps are helpful ones that cover topics like grocery lists, yoga, and weight loss. You know, the important stuff. I'm surprised it doesn't come with house keeping and scrapbooking apps too. The makers of ePad Femme really dropped the ball on that one! However, I bet our husbands could help us find some sort of toilet cleaning schedule app. Now, if he could just find one to track my menstrual cycle and then this miracle device could sort of live up to its unfortunate name.
I can't remember where the "ON" button is!
Unless this tablet can make the food on my grocery list and melt inches off of my ass all while doing laundry and satisfying the Hubs in the sack, then I'm not buying it. I guess I'll just have to stick with my icky masculine tablet with all of those jumbly letters. The Hubs calls them "words," I just call them "pretty."
In case the makers of the ePad Femme didn't insult women enough, Mattel decided to tell us how inferior we are too. Mattel recently hosted a brunch in Manhattan for mommy bloggers so they could teach those dumb cows how to play with Hot Wheels cars.
See, Mattel has this theory that their sales suck, because MOMS don't know how to play with CARS with their kids.
OK, my head just exploded.
Let me say that slower so that the women who don't have a man close by to read this to them can understand: Mattel ... thinks ... Hot Wheels cars ... aren't ... selling ... because ... moms ... don't know how ... to play cars (those vroom vroom things) ... with their kids.
Yeah, those cars are so damn complicated. Yikes. What do you do with them? You can't just play with them willy-nilly. You've got to do something manly and purposeful when you play with Hot Wheels! You need to pretend to drive them to the office or to the oil rig. It's not like you can drive them to a grocery store or to pick up the kids at school.
Also, Mattel wanted to take this opportunity to teach moms about what their kids are thinking when they play with Hot Wheels cars. One mom actually said, “If there’s a company that’ll help me understand my kids better and share their content and research, I’ll give it a chance. I don’t always understand why my 2-year-old is maniacally throwing cars and then squeals with glee.” Yeah. Mattel doesn't know why your kid does that either, other than 2-year-olds like to throw stuff and squeal a lot.
Wow. Those are some big ass truck nutz you got there, Mattel. You guys suck at selling crappy little cars and then you blame moms, because we're the ones who buy the bulk of the toys?
You're right. I buy a lot of toys. Some might even say a shit ton of toys. I buy the toys my kids ask for. They ask me for all sorts of toys: building blocks, puzzles, electronic games, coloring books, ponies, and more.
Want to know what they never ask for: Hot Wheels.
Hey, Mattel, I'll give you a hint why your product doesn't sell: it's boring as hell.
Oooh, I know a way to revive your flat-lining profits! Maybe you guys should make a whole line of totes adorbs hot pink and purple cars for the girls and call them Her Wheelz and then teach the dads how to drive them to the salon and the mall!
Shameless plug alert - Have you heard that I'm in a new anthology, I Just Want to Pee Alone? Do you have a copy of it yet? You do? Great! Have you left a review for the book on Amazon yet? Still not sure this book is for you? Maybe you should read this review and then decide.
photo: free digital photo
Today I've heard about two different companies that are making a name for themselves by treating us like idiots.
The first one is the ePad Femme. What is the ePad Femme, you ask? I know it sounds like some new amazing feminine hygiene product ("Now with wings and micro-weave fibers!"), but no, it's better than that. It's a tablet designed just for our tiny hands and brains. This tablet comes with a lovely pink background and pre-loaded apps, because downloading apps is hard, yo. The pre-loaded apps are helpful ones that cover topics like grocery lists, yoga, and weight loss. You know, the important stuff. I'm surprised it doesn't come with house keeping and scrapbooking apps too. The makers of ePad Femme really dropped the ball on that one! However, I bet our husbands could help us find some sort of toilet cleaning schedule app. Now, if he could just find one to track my menstrual cycle and then this miracle device could sort of live up to its unfortunate name.
I can't remember where the "ON" button is!
Unless this tablet can make the food on my grocery list and melt inches off of my ass all while doing laundry and satisfying the Hubs in the sack, then I'm not buying it. I guess I'll just have to stick with my icky masculine tablet with all of those jumbly letters. The Hubs calls them "words," I just call them "pretty."
In case the makers of the ePad Femme didn't insult women enough, Mattel decided to tell us how inferior we are too. Mattel recently hosted a brunch in Manhattan for mommy bloggers so they could teach those dumb cows how to play with Hot Wheels cars.
See, Mattel has this theory that their sales suck, because MOMS don't know how to play with CARS with their kids.
OK, my head just exploded.
Let me say that slower so that the women who don't have a man close by to read this to them can understand: Mattel ... thinks ... Hot Wheels cars ... aren't ... selling ... because ... moms ... don't know how ... to play cars (those vroom vroom things) ... with their kids.
Yeah, those cars are so damn complicated. Yikes. What do you do with them? You can't just play with them willy-nilly. You've got to do something manly and purposeful when you play with Hot Wheels! You need to pretend to drive them to the office or to the oil rig. It's not like you can drive them to a grocery store or to pick up the kids at school.
Also, Mattel wanted to take this opportunity to teach moms about what their kids are thinking when they play with Hot Wheels cars. One mom actually said, “If there’s a company that’ll help me understand my kids better and share their content and research, I’ll give it a chance. I don’t always understand why my 2-year-old is maniacally throwing cars and then squeals with glee.” Yeah. Mattel doesn't know why your kid does that either, other than 2-year-olds like to throw stuff and squeal a lot.
Wow. Those are some big ass truck nutz you got there, Mattel. You guys suck at selling crappy little cars and then you blame moms, because we're the ones who buy the bulk of the toys?
You're right. I buy a lot of toys. Some might even say a shit ton of toys. I buy the toys my kids ask for. They ask me for all sorts of toys: building blocks, puzzles, electronic games, coloring books, ponies, and more.
Want to know what they never ask for: Hot Wheels.
Hey, Mattel, I'll give you a hint why your product doesn't sell: it's boring as hell.
Oooh, I know a way to revive your flat-lining profits! Maybe you guys should make a whole line of totes adorbs hot pink and purple cars for the girls and call them Her Wheelz and then teach the dads how to drive them to the salon and the mall!
Shameless plug alert - Have you heard that I'm in a new anthology, I Just Want to Pee Alone? Do you have a copy of it yet? You do? Great! Have you left a review for the book on Amazon yet? Still not sure this book is for you? Maybe you should read this review and then decide.
photo: free digital photo
March 12, 2013
Why I Don't Want Another Baby
This week I have been getting my baby fix. Six years ago I gave birth to my final baby, Adolpha. (Yes, she was the last, although starting this blog almost two years ago felt a bit like giving birth and sometimes it's my favorite child, I still don't count it.)
Every now and again I get a little twinge and I realize that it's baby pains I'm feeling (and not gas pains as I had originally assumed). When I get these twinges I have to remind myself that I am 40-freaking years old and I am way too damn old to have another baby! So I take a Tums and I go on with my day.
This week I had the opportunity to get my baby huff on. A friend had a baby a few weeks ago and she let me come over to sniff and stare at her baby and then this weekend I went to not one, but two, baby showers. At one baby shower I stalked a lady and her baby, because he reminded me of Gomer. I finally went up to her and promised I wasn't a creeper who was going to steal her baby. I completely unloaded my baby crazy on her and told her that her little boy reminded me of Gomer and how she should probably never put him down for at least another year, because now eight-year-old Gomer will barely grunt at me unless he wants food, let alone hug me unless he's stalling at bedtime. And then the Hubs and I bombarded her of pictures of Gomer so we could let her know what her son will "look like" some day. Yes, we're complete wackos. She was sweet to let me fawn over her baby and make a fool of myself. Just wait, when that baby is eight she'll think back to the crazy lady she met at the baby shower and she'll feel solidarity with me then!
As much as I enjoy the soft little cheeks and the tiny fingers of babies, all of this baby overload made me realize that I really don't want another one and here's why:
SLEEP - Ahhhh . . . probably the thing I enjoy most in my life is a good night's sleep. This weekend Daylight Saving (I saw on the news that there is no "s" on the end, who know??) happened. My kids aren't rolling too well with the changes, but at least they can tell me how miserable they are instead of cry like cranky babies. Within a week my kids will be on the "new" time and we won't have this problem again until next spring (the change in the fall doesn't hurt as much), but in a week, babies will still need a feed or a diaper change in the middle of the night and me and my kids will be slumbering away. I don't care how much of a Super Mom you are, I don't know anyone who looks forward to those middle of the night feedings with a baby. Those sucked. Getting up for a feed was bad, but this was the worst: "We have a wide awake 10 month old if anyone is interested in babysitting" is a Facebook post I just read at 10:45 PM accompanied by a picture of an adorable, VERY wide awake baby. Ha! Sorry, suckers, I'm off to bed.
STRESS - Remember when you were a first time mom and you stressed about everything? Is the baby too cold? Is he too hot? Did he eat enough? Is he eating too much? Why won't he sleep? Should I wake him up? Is he breathing? Am I bonding enough? Am I spoiling him because I never put him down? Is his brain being stimulated? Is he over stimulated? Just writing this paragraph raised my heart rate and put a knot in my stomach all over again. Yes, it was much easier when the next baby came along, but one baby friend I saw last week is on her third and we had to cut the visit short, because she needed to take the baby in to get weighed, because she's still so itty bitty. I had one of those teeny tinies that needed to be weighed on a regular basis. Those days were surreal, because it was the only time in my life I stood next to a scale and PRAYED for it to be heavy. "C'mon, Gomer, gain a pound! Even half a pound would be great! How about a few ounces?? Momma needs some chunky legs on you!" You should see Gomer now. You'd never guess he once weighed 5 pounds. Now sometimes I worry Gomer weighs too much! Crap, maybe the stress never leaves, it just changes. Still! I'll take this stress over baby stress.
THE SHIT - No, I don't mean the literal shit. Although, that was never fun either. I sure don't miss the days when my kids would managed to produce a bath-worthy blow out just before we'd walk out the door. No, I'm talking about the gear. Y'know, the stuff: the diaper bag, the breast pump, the bottles, the bottle warmer, the milk cooler, the infant seat, the fuzzy cover thingy to go over the seat to keep the baby warm (can you tell my kids were both winter babies?), the stroller (umbrella and jogger and eventually a double), the bouncy seat, the exersaucer, the stacking rings/cups/blocks, the puzzles, the lovies, the stuffed animals, the onesies, the tiny socks, the boxes and boxes of diapers and wipes, the blankets, the sippy cups, the co-sleeper nest, toilet locks, the high chair, corner guards for furniture, the Bumbo, the outlet protectors, the bibs, the door latchers, the binkies, the Boppies, and the tummy time mats.
Sure, there is still shit with older kids, but not as much as babies. I went to Buy, Buy Baby to purchase my shower gifts this weekend and I couldn't believe the NEW shit they've come up with since Adolpha was born. Cell phone covers that match your diaper bag (because it would be tacky if it didn't match), memory foam changing pads (that baby has a nicer changing pad than my mattress), a baby bath tub with a built in thermometer (this is for the ultimate worrier - "The water feels cool enough for the baby, but how I can be sure??"), and my favorite, an 11 dollar piece of plastic that clips to your stroller, shopping cart, etc. so an older kid has something to hold onto when you're out together. Because carts and strollers are hard to hang on to with just your hand?? If you're going to buy this thing, you should go ahead and get two, because you know you're going to forget and leave it attached to a shopping cart the first time you use it. I know I would.
Tell me one good reason why I need this thing!
FLEXIBILITY - Hallelujah! We no longer have to plan around nap time. I felt like every time we left the house I was watching the clock. My kids were great sleepers, but if they fell asleep in the car, they could NOT transition back into the bed. Adolpha was famous for falling asleep in our flipping driveway. We would then be forced to drive around for an hour while she got a semi-decent nap. If I wasn't in the mood to drive around, there were several afternoons I left her strapped in her carseat in the garage with the car doors open and the door to the house propped open so I could hear her when she woke up. What? You think I'm a terrible mother because I did that? You do desperate things to get your child to nap. I know people who duct taped their kid in their blankets, because those fancy, burrito swaddling blankets hadn't been invented yet. Don't judge.
Yesterday, the Hubs and I planned an impromptu trip with the kids and we didn't have to worry about packing half of the house or where everyone would sleep. Another year or so and those kids will be able to pack their own suitcases!
THE DIAPER BAG - Yes, it was listed above, but it really deserves its own mention. I was so stupid the first time I got a diaper bag. I wanted a Coach diaper bag (because you know me and my love of Coach). What I failed to recognize was that that bitch was leathah and heavy as hell EMPTY. Now, fill it up with just half the shit mentioned above and you're carrying a bag that weighs more than your baby. When Gomer was six weeks old I dragged my exhausted ass in to see the doctor, because I was having terrible back pains. He took one look at the assortment of crap I'd hauled into the office with me: a 20 lb diaper bag (loaded with enough stuff to get me through a week in a snow storm), a breast pump (because I was a newly minted dairy cow and it seemed that I was pumping every 20 minutes), a cooler for my liquid gold, and a baby in an infant carrier. He took one look at me and shook his head and said I was suffering from "new mommy back pain." He prescribed a lighter diaper bag (with maybe just two days worth of supplies), a stroller (to carry the bulk of the shit), and a nap so I could start processing logic again.
I'm sure there are many other reasons why I don't want anymore babies, but I don't have time to list them here. It's my bedtime and I'm looking forward to my eight hours of uninterrupted bliss!
Let's hear what I forgot!
Every now and again I get a little twinge and I realize that it's baby pains I'm feeling (and not gas pains as I had originally assumed). When I get these twinges I have to remind myself that I am 40-freaking years old and I am way too damn old to have another baby! So I take a Tums and I go on with my day.
This week I had the opportunity to get my baby huff on. A friend had a baby a few weeks ago and she let me come over to sniff and stare at her baby and then this weekend I went to not one, but two, baby showers. At one baby shower I stalked a lady and her baby, because he reminded me of Gomer. I finally went up to her and promised I wasn't a creeper who was going to steal her baby. I completely unloaded my baby crazy on her and told her that her little boy reminded me of Gomer and how she should probably never put him down for at least another year, because now eight-year-old Gomer will barely grunt at me unless he wants food, let alone hug me unless he's stalling at bedtime. And then the Hubs and I bombarded her of pictures of Gomer so we could let her know what her son will "look like" some day. Yes, we're complete wackos. She was sweet to let me fawn over her baby and make a fool of myself. Just wait, when that baby is eight she'll think back to the crazy lady she met at the baby shower and she'll feel solidarity with me then!
As much as I enjoy the soft little cheeks and the tiny fingers of babies, all of this baby overload made me realize that I really don't want another one and here's why:
SLEEP - Ahhhh . . . probably the thing I enjoy most in my life is a good night's sleep. This weekend Daylight Saving (I saw on the news that there is no "s" on the end, who know??) happened. My kids aren't rolling too well with the changes, but at least they can tell me how miserable they are instead of cry like cranky babies. Within a week my kids will be on the "new" time and we won't have this problem again until next spring (the change in the fall doesn't hurt as much), but in a week, babies will still need a feed or a diaper change in the middle of the night and me and my kids will be slumbering away. I don't care how much of a Super Mom you are, I don't know anyone who looks forward to those middle of the night feedings with a baby. Those sucked. Getting up for a feed was bad, but this was the worst: "We have a wide awake 10 month old if anyone is interested in babysitting" is a Facebook post I just read at 10:45 PM accompanied by a picture of an adorable, VERY wide awake baby. Ha! Sorry, suckers, I'm off to bed.
STRESS - Remember when you were a first time mom and you stressed about everything? Is the baby too cold? Is he too hot? Did he eat enough? Is he eating too much? Why won't he sleep? Should I wake him up? Is he breathing? Am I bonding enough? Am I spoiling him because I never put him down? Is his brain being stimulated? Is he over stimulated? Just writing this paragraph raised my heart rate and put a knot in my stomach all over again. Yes, it was much easier when the next baby came along, but one baby friend I saw last week is on her third and we had to cut the visit short, because she needed to take the baby in to get weighed, because she's still so itty bitty. I had one of those teeny tinies that needed to be weighed on a regular basis. Those days were surreal, because it was the only time in my life I stood next to a scale and PRAYED for it to be heavy. "C'mon, Gomer, gain a pound! Even half a pound would be great! How about a few ounces?? Momma needs some chunky legs on you!" You should see Gomer now. You'd never guess he once weighed 5 pounds. Now sometimes I worry Gomer weighs too much! Crap, maybe the stress never leaves, it just changes. Still! I'll take this stress over baby stress.
THE SHIT - No, I don't mean the literal shit. Although, that was never fun either. I sure don't miss the days when my kids would managed to produce a bath-worthy blow out just before we'd walk out the door. No, I'm talking about the gear. Y'know, the stuff: the diaper bag, the breast pump, the bottles, the bottle warmer, the milk cooler, the infant seat, the fuzzy cover thingy to go over the seat to keep the baby warm (can you tell my kids were both winter babies?), the stroller (umbrella and jogger and eventually a double), the bouncy seat, the exersaucer, the stacking rings/cups/blocks, the puzzles, the lovies, the stuffed animals, the onesies, the tiny socks, the boxes and boxes of diapers and wipes, the blankets, the sippy cups, the co-sleeper nest, toilet locks, the high chair, corner guards for furniture, the Bumbo, the outlet protectors, the bibs, the door latchers, the binkies, the Boppies, and the tummy time mats.
Sure, there is still shit with older kids, but not as much as babies. I went to Buy, Buy Baby to purchase my shower gifts this weekend and I couldn't believe the NEW shit they've come up with since Adolpha was born. Cell phone covers that match your diaper bag (because it would be tacky if it didn't match), memory foam changing pads (that baby has a nicer changing pad than my mattress), a baby bath tub with a built in thermometer (this is for the ultimate worrier - "The water feels cool enough for the baby, but how I can be sure??"), and my favorite, an 11 dollar piece of plastic that clips to your stroller, shopping cart, etc. so an older kid has something to hold onto when you're out together. Because carts and strollers are hard to hang on to with just your hand?? If you're going to buy this thing, you should go ahead and get two, because you know you're going to forget and leave it attached to a shopping cart the first time you use it. I know I would.
Tell me one good reason why I need this thing!
FLEXIBILITY - Hallelujah! We no longer have to plan around nap time. I felt like every time we left the house I was watching the clock. My kids were great sleepers, but if they fell asleep in the car, they could NOT transition back into the bed. Adolpha was famous for falling asleep in our flipping driveway. We would then be forced to drive around for an hour while she got a semi-decent nap. If I wasn't in the mood to drive around, there were several afternoons I left her strapped in her carseat in the garage with the car doors open and the door to the house propped open so I could hear her when she woke up. What? You think I'm a terrible mother because I did that? You do desperate things to get your child to nap. I know people who duct taped their kid in their blankets, because those fancy, burrito swaddling blankets hadn't been invented yet. Don't judge.
Yesterday, the Hubs and I planned an impromptu trip with the kids and we didn't have to worry about packing half of the house or where everyone would sleep. Another year or so and those kids will be able to pack their own suitcases!
THE DIAPER BAG - Yes, it was listed above, but it really deserves its own mention. I was so stupid the first time I got a diaper bag. I wanted a Coach diaper bag (because you know me and my love of Coach). What I failed to recognize was that that bitch was leathah and heavy as hell EMPTY. Now, fill it up with just half the shit mentioned above and you're carrying a bag that weighs more than your baby. When Gomer was six weeks old I dragged my exhausted ass in to see the doctor, because I was having terrible back pains. He took one look at the assortment of crap I'd hauled into the office with me: a 20 lb diaper bag (loaded with enough stuff to get me through a week in a snow storm), a breast pump (because I was a newly minted dairy cow and it seemed that I was pumping every 20 minutes), a cooler for my liquid gold, and a baby in an infant carrier. He took one look at me and shook his head and said I was suffering from "new mommy back pain." He prescribed a lighter diaper bag (with maybe just two days worth of supplies), a stroller (to carry the bulk of the shit), and a nap so I could start processing logic again.
I'm sure there are many other reasons why I don't want anymore babies, but I don't have time to list them here. It's my bedtime and I'm looking forward to my eight hours of uninterrupted bliss!
Let's hear what I forgot!
March 11, 2013
The Anthology Tina Fey Wishes She Was a Part Of
So, have you heard the news yet? I'm part of a best-selling anthology! That's right, I Just Want to Pee Alone hit number one this weekend on Amazon! (In our category, not ALL of Amazon. But we're number 17 in the whole Humor category. That's pretty cool, right?)
The book hit number two on iTunes - only the Colonel herself, Ms. Tina Fey, stood in our way. To be quite honest, I liked being in her presence. I'll probably never get that close to her again.
However, I'm hoping that when I Just Want to Pee Alone rips first place from her soon, she calls her agent and has a conversation:
Tina: What just happened? Who are these Pee Alone people?
Agent: It's that crazy woman, Jen, who says she's your best friend. She's brought like 30 more people to stalk you now.
Tina: What the hell?
Agent: I know. She's a bit relentless. But . . .
Tina: But what?
Agent: Well, I read this book and Tina, I gotta tell you. I'm really disappointed that we didn't get you in it. These are your people.
Tina: Really??
Agent: Yes! Funny, irreverent moms who like to laugh at everything, including themselves. And I'm not going to lie. I even cried once or twice. This book has it all.
Tina: Really??
Agent: Yes! These women just put it out there and have so much fun doing it. Does that sound like anyone we know?
Tina: Crap. I should have been in this book!
Agent: And besides Jen, there are so many of my other favorite bloggers in this book.
Tina: I didn't realize you were such a fan of bloggers.
Agent: Oh yeah, I was following RachRiot back when she was just a prolific and hilarious commenter. I love watching Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva rollerskating in her unitard. Let Me Start By Saying has the best interviews. And I was so excited to see Honest Mom on the Katie Couric show last week.
Tina: Ugh. Was she quoting Madeleine Albright's theory on hell again?
Agent: No. I don't think so.
Tina: Hmm . . . OK. Well, it sounds like you're awfully busy with your reading. When do you get any work done for me?
Agent: I know it seems that way, but it really isn't hard to keep up with these ladies when you subscribe to them all. Look Tina, we missed the boat on this one, but we'll for sure get you in the next one. In the meantime, let's help them sell the hell out of this book.
Tina: You know what? You're right. I used to be a little afraid of Jen, but she's not so bad. Plus, Kansas is really far away from me. So, it's not like she'll knock on my door and thank me for helping her out. Right???
Agent: Definitely not. She totally respects boundaries - and restraining orders.
Tina: Great! Then let's do it! I'm going to call Poehler and see what we can do for Jen and this book! I'm on it!
In case Tina doesn't get the word out right away, I'll help you find your own copy.
KINDLE - CLICK HERE.
AMAZON PAPERBACK BOOK DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR - CLICK HERE.
APPLE - Buy it at iTunes.
NOOK - B&N is taking its sweet time. In the meantime, you can get it from Smashwords. Just follow the instructions for NOOK. CLICK HERE.
KOBO AND SONY READER - CLICK HERE.
Want to know who's in this book? I stole this list from Baby Sideburns. She says this list is "arranged in a half-assed pyramid so as not to show favoritism to anyone." Works for me! Kick Ass Contributors to I Just Want to Pee Alone:
RachRiot
Momaical
Snarkfest
Ninja Mom
Honest Mom
HouseTalkN
Naps Happen
My Real Life
Frugalista Blog
Baby Sideburns
Funny is Family
My Life and Kids
Mom's New Stage
Toulouse & Tonic
Random Handprints
Nurse Mommy Laughs
Suburban Snapshots
Four Plus an Angel
The Dose of Reality
Kelley's Break Room
The Mom of the Year
Life on Peanut Layne
Hollow Tree Ventures
The Fordeville Diaries
Binkies and Briefcases
Let Me Start By Saying
Bad Parenting Moments
Insane in the Mom Brain
Rants From Mommyland
You're My Favorite Today
Confessions of a Cornfed Girl
Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
People I Want to Punch in the Throat
The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
You Know it Happens at Your House Too
I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping
The Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
PS - Hey Tina, I've got connections and if you want to see your name on this half-assed pyramid I can totally make that happen. Call me, girl!
The book hit number two on iTunes - only the Colonel herself, Ms. Tina Fey, stood in our way. To be quite honest, I liked being in her presence. I'll probably never get that close to her again.
However, I'm hoping that when I Just Want to Pee Alone rips first place from her soon, she calls her agent and has a conversation:
Tina: What just happened? Who are these Pee Alone people?
Agent: It's that crazy woman, Jen, who says she's your best friend. She's brought like 30 more people to stalk you now.
Tina: What the hell?
Agent: I know. She's a bit relentless. But . . .
Tina: But what?
Agent: Well, I read this book and Tina, I gotta tell you. I'm really disappointed that we didn't get you in it. These are your people.
Tina: Really??
Agent: Yes! Funny, irreverent moms who like to laugh at everything, including themselves. And I'm not going to lie. I even cried once or twice. This book has it all.
Tina: Really??
Agent: Yes! These women just put it out there and have so much fun doing it. Does that sound like anyone we know?
Tina: Crap. I should have been in this book!
Agent: And besides Jen, there are so many of my other favorite bloggers in this book.
Tina: I didn't realize you were such a fan of bloggers.
Agent: Oh yeah, I was following RachRiot back when she was just a prolific and hilarious commenter. I love watching Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva rollerskating in her unitard. Let Me Start By Saying has the best interviews. And I was so excited to see Honest Mom on the Katie Couric show last week.
Tina: Ugh. Was she quoting Madeleine Albright's theory on hell again?
Agent: No. I don't think so.
Tina: Hmm . . . OK. Well, it sounds like you're awfully busy with your reading. When do you get any work done for me?
Agent: I know it seems that way, but it really isn't hard to keep up with these ladies when you subscribe to them all. Look Tina, we missed the boat on this one, but we'll for sure get you in the next one. In the meantime, let's help them sell the hell out of this book.
Tina: You know what? You're right. I used to be a little afraid of Jen, but she's not so bad. Plus, Kansas is really far away from me. So, it's not like she'll knock on my door and thank me for helping her out. Right???
Agent: Definitely not. She totally respects boundaries - and restraining orders.
Tina: Great! Then let's do it! I'm going to call Poehler and see what we can do for Jen and this book! I'm on it!
In case Tina doesn't get the word out right away, I'll help you find your own copy.
KINDLE - CLICK HERE.
AMAZON PAPERBACK BOOK DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR - CLICK HERE.
APPLE - Buy it at iTunes.
NOOK - B&N is taking its sweet time. In the meantime, you can get it from Smashwords. Just follow the instructions for NOOK. CLICK HERE.
KOBO AND SONY READER - CLICK HERE.
Want to know who's in this book? I stole this list from Baby Sideburns. She says this list is "arranged in a half-assed pyramid so as not to show favoritism to anyone." Works for me! Kick Ass Contributors to I Just Want to Pee Alone:
RachRiot
Momaical
Snarkfest
Ninja Mom
Honest Mom
HouseTalkN
Naps Happen
My Real Life
Frugalista Blog
Baby Sideburns
Funny is Family
My Life and Kids
Mom's New Stage
Toulouse & Tonic
Random Handprints
Nurse Mommy Laughs
Suburban Snapshots
Four Plus an Angel
The Dose of Reality
Kelley's Break Room
The Mom of the Year
Life on Peanut Layne
Hollow Tree Ventures
The Fordeville Diaries
Binkies and Briefcases
Let Me Start By Saying
Bad Parenting Moments
Insane in the Mom Brain
Rants From Mommyland
You're My Favorite Today
Confessions of a Cornfed Girl
Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
People I Want to Punch in the Throat
The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
You Know it Happens at Your House Too
I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping
The Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
PS - Hey Tina, I've got connections and if you want to see your name on this half-assed pyramid I can totally make that happen. Call me, girl!
March 8, 2013
Weekly Wrap Up 3.8.23
This week was a big week around here. The kids went to school for an entire week!!! The snow is melting!!! The sun has been shining!!! I don't want to jinx it, but it looks like spring might actually come to Kansas (sorry East Coasters, looks like you have to wait a bit still).
I've been nominated for another award this week. This one is really cool: "WEBLOG OF THE YEAR!" That one sounds pretty amazing, right? You want to tell your family and friends that you read the WEBLOG OF THE YEAR, don't you? Well, I can't be the WEBLOG OF THE YEAR if you don't go and vote for me. Good news is, you can only vote for me once, so I won't remind you every day to vote. The bad news is, they want deets from you like an email address so you can verify who you are, blah, blah, blah. It takes 30 seconds more, but it's so worth it. You can vote for me here. Thank you!
Top Read Posts This Week:
Open Letter to Marissa Mayer - Marissa Mayer is the new CEO at Yahoo and she is laying down the law. I'm thinking about getting a job at Yahoo, because I'm running low on highlighters. Mmm . . . free office supplies.
Taylor Swift - Oh no she didn't!! T-Swift drank some crazy lavender lemonade and then said my BFF Tina Fey was going to hell. Taylor needs to get the stick out of her ass. Meanwhile, Swifty just sold the house she bought on the Kennedy compound for a million dollar profit. Damn! Maybe she can buy a sense of humor with that money!
Life is Hard When You're Six - Adolpha let me know that it's not all rainbows and puppies when you're six.
Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition - I think I've been living under a rock for several years and didn't realize that this issue doesn't really include sports or athletes. WTF?
My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):
There are so many things wrong with Taylor Swift right now. First of all, she's offended by what Tina Fey and Amy Poehler said about her? But, she was all forgiving when Kayne West slammed her for her shitty music? (his words - sort of, not mine). Secondly, Taylor Swift dates high profile douche bags. My guess is she's a virgin and when these guys can't get in her panties they give her the boot. The fix? Stop dating actors and musicians who can bed any girl they want. Duh. on Taylor Swift
Oh, T. Swizzle... Here's the thing: Smart women don't help dumb women just because they both have a vaginas. Tina and Amy did you a fucking favor by even breathing your name that night. Get over it and stop embarrassing yourself. p.s. Can't wait to sit at the cool table in Hell! Fuck yeah! on Taylor Swift
I use to hold your Elf on the Shelf post as the gold standard of bat s@$t crazy, funny post, but I think this one now has the slight edge. I also have put in a reservation for the circle of hell where Tina and Amy (and now you) could potentially reside. Harps and clouds are overrated. on Taylor Swift
I will stand behind Swift dating a bunch. Remember where we were 20 years ago? DATING A TON OF GUYS. Most were douche bags. It's the joy (not) of being a girl in your 20's. But Taylor Swift, if I can give you a piece of motherly advice. Thou shall not ever take aim at Tina and Amy. Not in Vanity Fair drinking lavender lemonade. Not on Twitter. Not ever. You call them. Apologize. Send a nice gift basket. Preferably something that includes chocolate. These women have kids and chocolate will sell like gangbusters. That's what you do. on Taylor Swift
I obviously am one of those who lives in a cave, cos I MISSED this one. First of all, as a 40-some odd mum from Canada who's heart was broken when Michael J Fox married a Yank - I'd like to say Alex P Keaton Jr is MINE!!!! So.....paws off MS Swift!!!! You're not ruining this man. But let me get this straight, she can date who-ever she wants. Tell the world they are jerks because they dump her. Write songs about them and make millions. Poke fun at others. But no one's allowed to poke fun at her? Grow.The.F.Up!!!!!!! on Taylor Swift
The list of indignities is unending! I think I'll stick with being thirty-mumble. on Life is Hard When You're Six
Yeah, a life watching cartoons and having people do stuff for you is such a difficult burden to bear. As my 8-yo says "I need another assistant, besides you." Thanks a *bleeping* lot, kid. on Life is Hard When You're Six
"Besides, a little glitter would actually improve the decor around this place." My (almost) six year old daughter informed me that she doesn't like my clothes because they are boring. She thinks I should incorporate sequins into every outfit. Apparently, she thinks I would look better if I looked like I was dressed like I was ready to club it up at Studio 54 in 1970s. on Life is Hard When You're Six
In 10 years, this post will be SO embarrassing! OMG MOM! In 20 years, you'll sit down with a glass of wine together and laugh and laugh and laugh. on Life is Hard When You're Six
They should make a movie of Adolpha's life... maybe a "Triumph Of The Human Spirit" kinda thing. Call Meryl Streep! What? She can *definitely* play a six-year-old-- the woman is amazing. on Life is Hard When You're Six
Being CEO of Yahoo may be like be the CEO of Blockbuster A point to ponder. on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer
Wait... what? Yahoo is still around... I thought they went belly up years ago! on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer
My problem with it is she is building a nursery next to her office, but is now telling other parents you need to find child care for your kids. It's not easy finding good affordable child care. These families now have commuter expenses. What if the family only had one car because one worked at home? on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer
She's built a nursery next to her office. My guess is she has a nanny that goes to work with her and the baby every day. She's achieved her mega-corp position not just from talent but also because she's been the person who is often most willing to put in the longest hours. The point is, she DOES work from home. It's just not from her house. on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer
I've been nominated for another award this week. This one is really cool: "WEBLOG OF THE YEAR!" That one sounds pretty amazing, right? You want to tell your family and friends that you read the WEBLOG OF THE YEAR, don't you? Well, I can't be the WEBLOG OF THE YEAR if you don't go and vote for me. Good news is, you can only vote for me once, so I won't remind you every day to vote. The bad news is, they want deets from you like an email address so you can verify who you are, blah, blah, blah. It takes 30 seconds more, but it's so worth it. You can vote for me here. Thank you!
Top Read Posts This Week:
Open Letter to Marissa Mayer - Marissa Mayer is the new CEO at Yahoo and she is laying down the law. I'm thinking about getting a job at Yahoo, because I'm running low on highlighters. Mmm . . . free office supplies.
Taylor Swift - Oh no she didn't!! T-Swift drank some crazy lavender lemonade and then said my BFF Tina Fey was going to hell. Taylor needs to get the stick out of her ass. Meanwhile, Swifty just sold the house she bought on the Kennedy compound for a million dollar profit. Damn! Maybe she can buy a sense of humor with that money!
Life is Hard When You're Six - Adolpha let me know that it's not all rainbows and puppies when you're six.
Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition - I think I've been living under a rock for several years and didn't realize that this issue doesn't really include sports or athletes. WTF?
My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):
There are so many things wrong with Taylor Swift right now. First of all, she's offended by what Tina Fey and Amy Poehler said about her? But, she was all forgiving when Kayne West slammed her for her shitty music? (his words - sort of, not mine). Secondly, Taylor Swift dates high profile douche bags. My guess is she's a virgin and when these guys can't get in her panties they give her the boot. The fix? Stop dating actors and musicians who can bed any girl they want. Duh. on Taylor Swift
Oh, T. Swizzle... Here's the thing: Smart women don't help dumb women just because they both have a vaginas. Tina and Amy did you a fucking favor by even breathing your name that night. Get over it and stop embarrassing yourself. p.s. Can't wait to sit at the cool table in Hell! Fuck yeah! on Taylor Swift
I use to hold your Elf on the Shelf post as the gold standard of bat s@$t crazy, funny post, but I think this one now has the slight edge. I also have put in a reservation for the circle of hell where Tina and Amy (and now you) could potentially reside. Harps and clouds are overrated. on Taylor Swift
I will stand behind Swift dating a bunch. Remember where we were 20 years ago? DATING A TON OF GUYS. Most were douche bags. It's the joy (not) of being a girl in your 20's. But Taylor Swift, if I can give you a piece of motherly advice. Thou shall not ever take aim at Tina and Amy. Not in Vanity Fair drinking lavender lemonade. Not on Twitter. Not ever. You call them. Apologize. Send a nice gift basket. Preferably something that includes chocolate. These women have kids and chocolate will sell like gangbusters. That's what you do. on Taylor Swift
I obviously am one of those who lives in a cave, cos I MISSED this one. First of all, as a 40-some odd mum from Canada who's heart was broken when Michael J Fox married a Yank - I'd like to say Alex P Keaton Jr is MINE!!!! So.....paws off MS Swift!!!! You're not ruining this man. But let me get this straight, she can date who-ever she wants. Tell the world they are jerks because they dump her. Write songs about them and make millions. Poke fun at others. But no one's allowed to poke fun at her? Grow.The.F.Up!!!!!!! on Taylor Swift
The list of indignities is unending! I think I'll stick with being thirty-mumble. on Life is Hard When You're Six
Yeah, a life watching cartoons and having people do stuff for you is such a difficult burden to bear. As my 8-yo says "I need another assistant, besides you." Thanks a *bleeping* lot, kid. on Life is Hard When You're Six
"Besides, a little glitter would actually improve the decor around this place." My (almost) six year old daughter informed me that she doesn't like my clothes because they are boring. She thinks I should incorporate sequins into every outfit. Apparently, she thinks I would look better if I looked like I was dressed like I was ready to club it up at Studio 54 in 1970s. on Life is Hard When You're Six
In 10 years, this post will be SO embarrassing! OMG MOM! In 20 years, you'll sit down with a glass of wine together and laugh and laugh and laugh. on Life is Hard When You're Six
They should make a movie of Adolpha's life... maybe a "Triumph Of The Human Spirit" kinda thing. Call Meryl Streep! What? She can *definitely* play a six-year-old-- the woman is amazing. on Life is Hard When You're Six
Being CEO of Yahoo may be like be the CEO of Blockbuster A point to ponder. on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer
Wait... what? Yahoo is still around... I thought they went belly up years ago! on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer
My problem with it is she is building a nursery next to her office, but is now telling other parents you need to find child care for your kids. It's not easy finding good affordable child care. These families now have commuter expenses. What if the family only had one car because one worked at home? on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer
She's built a nursery next to her office. My guess is she has a nanny that goes to work with her and the baby every day. She's achieved her mega-corp position not just from talent but also because she's been the person who is often most willing to put in the longest hours. The point is, she DOES work from home. It's just not from her house. on Open Letter to Marissa Mayer
March 6, 2013
Taylor Swift
This morning I woke up to find a brouhaha raging around my BFF Tina Fey and her BFF Amy Poehler and the Queen of "Who Me?" Taylor Swift.
OK, so here's the low down in case you were busy watching the news this morning where they talked about Hugo Chavez, snow storms, and those idiots in D.C. For some reason many of the news organizations did not lead in with the Tina-Amy-Taylor throw down. Shocking, I know!
A little back story for you: so, Tina and Amy did a ridiculously great job hosting the Golden Globes last month. Also attending was Michael J. Fox's adorable mini (but actually bigger) me son. He was Mr. Golden Globe or something dumb like that. Regardless of his title, he was on stage a lot of the night looking very Alex P. Keaton in a tuxedo and I think every girl who grew up in the 80s was sighing a little every time he came on the screen.
At one point in the night Tina and Amy realized that Mr. Golden Globe was just the type of guy Taylor Swift would like to get her manicured nails into, so she could love him so hard, and then he'd be forced to dump her painfully and awkwardly, and then she could turn around and write a best-selling song about him and let the world know what an asshole Alex P. Keaton 2013 really is. In order to keep her from ruining this fresh-faced young man, Tina and Amy took a shot at Taylor's insatiable lust for any pseudo-celebrity between the ages of 17 and 38 with floppy hair, boyish charm, and puppy dog eyes. They warned Taylor Swift to keep her grubby paws off the Little Fox.
No one thought much of this joke. This certainly wasn't the best joke of the night. (That was when they thanked Lena Dunham for thanking them for their hilarious roles that helped her get through middle school!) It certainly wasn't the meanest joke of the night. (That was about Zero Dark Thirty. Tina said, ". . . when it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.")
I say no one thought much of this joke, but apparently I was wrong. Taylor Swift did. Taylor has been ruminating on this put down for awhile now and she finally let Vanity Fair know that she thinks Tina and Amy are going to hell, because according to Taylor's BFF, Katie Couric, there is a "special place in hell for women who don't help other women." Whoa. That's a bit harsh. I would like to say, though, that if reservations are being accepted, I'd like to be in that particular circle of hell.
Are you keeping up with this girls gone wild cat fight? Basically Tina and Amy said, "Taylor stay away from Michael J. Fox's son" and then Katie was all, "Girl, don't let haters bother you. There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women" and then Taylor was like, "I know! Right? Bitches" and then Tina was like, "You know what? Bitches get stuff done." Or it went something like that.
All I know is, Anne Hathaway must be kind of relieved right about now, because she was poised to take over Taylor's "Who Me?" crown and people were totally hating on her and her nipples and now she can just go back to being a nobody again, because I think she's too old to play Annie, which we all know is the next musical Hollywood will try and remake. [Update: I am totally psychic!]
OK, so back to Tina-Amy-Taylor. Here's the thing. I know this quote about women and hell, etc. I actually like this quote a lot. However, Taylor, you are off your fucking rocker. Tina and Amy are trying to help you. You are a hot mess. You jump from one pretty boy to the next. You probably have a secret Pinterest board where your whole wedding is planned and you just Photoshop new boys into the groom's spot. You date assholes and jerks and then wonder why you're so lonely. Shit, Taylor Lautner stood there like a statue while Kanye stole your thunder! That douchebag from One Direction is a playa. I'm a 40-year-old mom in the Midwest and even I know that much about him! Open your eyes!
I'm not saying Mr. Golden Globe is a jerk. I'm just saying the same thing Tina and Amy were saying, Slow the fuck down. You are 23 years old and you've dated more guys than most of the men in Hollywood! Watching your music videos is slightly disturbing when you realize that you've dated practically every single guy you've cast. Your casting couch is really getting a work out - and that's not even a euphemism!
How Taylor celebrates her "Almost 1 Week Anniversaries" with her boyfriends.
You're so desperate for love that over the summer you bought a house across the street from your 17-year-old boy toy's grandma. That relationship didn't work out for many reasons, but I'm guessing that at least one of the reasons was that when the summer was over he had to go back to high school! Plus, you kept dressing up like his dead great-aunt. Creepy! You are not Jackie O.
Just relax and enjoy your life. Stop trying to fill whatever void you have with a stud muffin, maybe even try a real muffin!
And another thing, Taylor. You're so full of shit. When you wrote a song about John Mayer dumping you and he cried about it, I wrote a post defending you. I stuck up for you and I told John to suck it up and stop whining so much. Well, now it's your turn. You can't have it both ways. You're being a hypocrite. You can't write about all these idiots that you date and make millions of dollars and then turn around and cry foul when some one talks shit on you.
You're so crazy you can't even see that Tina and Amy were trying to help you. They were warning you to chill out and stay away from yet another adorable boy who will have to break up with you via text message, because you bought the house next door, you're dressing like his mom, and you keep sending him pictures of what you think the kids you'll have together might look like.
OK, so here's the low down in case you were busy watching the news this morning where they talked about Hugo Chavez, snow storms, and those idiots in D.C. For some reason many of the news organizations did not lead in with the Tina-Amy-Taylor throw down. Shocking, I know!
A little back story for you: so, Tina and Amy did a ridiculously great job hosting the Golden Globes last month. Also attending was Michael J. Fox's adorable mini (but actually bigger) me son. He was Mr. Golden Globe or something dumb like that. Regardless of his title, he was on stage a lot of the night looking very Alex P. Keaton in a tuxedo and I think every girl who grew up in the 80s was sighing a little every time he came on the screen.
At one point in the night Tina and Amy realized that Mr. Golden Globe was just the type of guy Taylor Swift would like to get her manicured nails into, so she could love him so hard, and then he'd be forced to dump her painfully and awkwardly, and then she could turn around and write a best-selling song about him and let the world know what an asshole Alex P. Keaton 2013 really is. In order to keep her from ruining this fresh-faced young man, Tina and Amy took a shot at Taylor's insatiable lust for any pseudo-celebrity between the ages of 17 and 38 with floppy hair, boyish charm, and puppy dog eyes. They warned Taylor Swift to keep her grubby paws off the Little Fox.
No one thought much of this joke. This certainly wasn't the best joke of the night. (That was when they thanked Lena Dunham for thanking them for their hilarious roles that helped her get through middle school!) It certainly wasn't the meanest joke of the night. (That was about Zero Dark Thirty. Tina said, ". . . when it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.")
I say no one thought much of this joke, but apparently I was wrong. Taylor Swift did. Taylor has been ruminating on this put down for awhile now and she finally let Vanity Fair know that she thinks Tina and Amy are going to hell, because according to Taylor's BFF, Katie Couric, there is a "special place in hell for women who don't help other women." Whoa. That's a bit harsh. I would like to say, though, that if reservations are being accepted, I'd like to be in that particular circle of hell.
Are you keeping up with this girls gone wild cat fight? Basically Tina and Amy said, "Taylor stay away from Michael J. Fox's son" and then Katie was all, "Girl, don't let haters bother you. There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women" and then Taylor was like, "I know! Right? Bitches" and then Tina was like, "You know what? Bitches get stuff done." Or it went something like that.
All I know is, Anne Hathaway must be kind of relieved right about now, because she was poised to take over Taylor's "Who Me?" crown and people were totally hating on her and her nipples and now she can just go back to being a nobody again, because I think she's too old to play Annie, which we all know is the next musical Hollywood will try and remake. [Update: I am totally psychic!]
OK, so back to Tina-Amy-Taylor. Here's the thing. I know this quote about women and hell, etc. I actually like this quote a lot. However, Taylor, you are off your fucking rocker. Tina and Amy are trying to help you. You are a hot mess. You jump from one pretty boy to the next. You probably have a secret Pinterest board where your whole wedding is planned and you just Photoshop new boys into the groom's spot. You date assholes and jerks and then wonder why you're so lonely. Shit, Taylor Lautner stood there like a statue while Kanye stole your thunder! That douchebag from One Direction is a playa. I'm a 40-year-old mom in the Midwest and even I know that much about him! Open your eyes!
I'm not saying Mr. Golden Globe is a jerk. I'm just saying the same thing Tina and Amy were saying, Slow the fuck down. You are 23 years old and you've dated more guys than most of the men in Hollywood! Watching your music videos is slightly disturbing when you realize that you've dated practically every single guy you've cast. Your casting couch is really getting a work out - and that's not even a euphemism!
How Taylor celebrates her "Almost 1 Week Anniversaries" with her boyfriends.
You're so desperate for love that over the summer you bought a house across the street from your 17-year-old boy toy's grandma. That relationship didn't work out for many reasons, but I'm guessing that at least one of the reasons was that when the summer was over he had to go back to high school! Plus, you kept dressing up like his dead great-aunt. Creepy! You are not Jackie O.
Just relax and enjoy your life. Stop trying to fill whatever void you have with a stud muffin, maybe even try a real muffin!
And another thing, Taylor. You're so full of shit. When you wrote a song about John Mayer dumping you and he cried about it, I wrote a post defending you. I stuck up for you and I told John to suck it up and stop whining so much. Well, now it's your turn. You can't have it both ways. You're being a hypocrite. You can't write about all these idiots that you date and make millions of dollars and then turn around and cry foul when some one talks shit on you.
You're so crazy you can't even see that Tina and Amy were trying to help you. They were warning you to chill out and stay away from yet another adorable boy who will have to break up with you via text message, because you bought the house next door, you're dressing like his mom, and you keep sending him pictures of what you think the kids you'll have together might look like.
March 5, 2013
Life is Hard When You're Six
I don't know about you, but there are so many times in my life I would just love to go back to Kindergarten. I'd love to spend most of my day learning to write my name, coloring pictures of puppies, and singing my heart out in between two recesses, a lunch break, and a rest time. Yesterday when I mentioned my desire to go back to the "easy" life of a six years old, Adolpha let me know that I have a pretty jacked up memory.
According to Adolpha, life is incredibly hard when you're six.
She gave me a look that said:
You think playing out in the snow sounds fun? Well, it's an ordeal to stand there while your mother pushes and pulls and squeezes your limp body into all of your snow gear just so you won't get wet and cold and it's a pain to pick up all of your fun toys that your parents bought you to play with in the snow.
It sucks that you have to bathe - alone (where is the fun in that? Who wants to linger in a tub all by their lonesome?). Any why do you need a bath again today? You totally just did that yesterday. Having someone wash your hair is annoying. Putting on clean underwear is a drag. Getting your fresh clean hair combed and dried is borderline torture and now your piggy tails are uneven. Son of a bitch!
It really blows that you have to wait while someone else makes your lunch for you, especially when you are literally starving to death. It is outrageous when your lunch arrives with crusts still on the bread and apples on the side, when you clearly ordered your mother to make your sandwich sans crust and serve you canned fruit cocktail. Can't this woman do anything right today?
It is completely ridiculous when your brother expects to get a turn with the TV remote. As if anyone would choose not to watch "My Little Pony." It's like you can barely believe you're related to this chump.
It is so unfair that you can't use glitter or paint or glue or scissors or Sharpies without "supervision." WTF? Don't people realize you're not a stupid little preschooler anymore? You're six now! Besides, a little glitter would actually improve the decor around this place. All of these tans and taupes are depressing.
And by the way, how screwed up it is that you have to put an Angry Bird bandage on your ouchie because you used up all of the Hello Kitty ones on fake injuries? The humiliation of being seen in an Angry Bird bandage hurts more than the paper cut.
It is so rude when your mother suggests you take a nap. She should know better, she hates it when other people tell her she looks tired!
According to Adolpha, life is incredibly hard when you're six.
She gave me a look that said:
You think playing out in the snow sounds fun? Well, it's an ordeal to stand there while your mother pushes and pulls and squeezes your limp body into all of your snow gear just so you won't get wet and cold and it's a pain to pick up all of your fun toys that your parents bought you to play with in the snow.
It sucks that you have to bathe - alone (where is the fun in that? Who wants to linger in a tub all by their lonesome?). Any why do you need a bath again today? You totally just did that yesterday. Having someone wash your hair is annoying. Putting on clean underwear is a drag. Getting your fresh clean hair combed and dried is borderline torture and now your piggy tails are uneven. Son of a bitch!
It really blows that you have to wait while someone else makes your lunch for you, especially when you are literally starving to death. It is outrageous when your lunch arrives with crusts still on the bread and apples on the side, when you clearly ordered your mother to make your sandwich sans crust and serve you canned fruit cocktail. Can't this woman do anything right today?
It is completely ridiculous when your brother expects to get a turn with the TV remote. As if anyone would choose not to watch "My Little Pony." It's like you can barely believe you're related to this chump.
It is so unfair that you can't use glitter or paint or glue or scissors or Sharpies without "supervision." WTF? Don't people realize you're not a stupid little preschooler anymore? You're six now! Besides, a little glitter would actually improve the decor around this place. All of these tans and taupes are depressing.
And by the way, how screwed up it is that you have to put an Angry Bird bandage on your ouchie because you used up all of the Hello Kitty ones on fake injuries? The humiliation of being seen in an Angry Bird bandage hurts more than the paper cut.
It is so rude when your mother suggests you take a nap. She should know better, she hates it when other people tell her she looks tired!
March 4, 2013
Open Letter to Marissa Mayer
Dear
Marissa Mayer,
Hey,
it's me, Punchy. I've been meaning to write you a letter for a long
time. I'm sorry it's so long overdue. I guess I just haven't been
that motivated to write you since I'm home all day. Maybe if I was
stuck in cubicle hell I'd be inspired to write to you.
Anyhoo,
it doesn't matter. The important thing is that I am finally getting
it done!
First,
let me start with the accolades. Congrats on the new Yahoo gig. What
a great opportunity for you to set such a fine example for young
girls like my daughter, Adolpha. I'm sure young women around the
country are looking up to you as a hero. BTW, how amazing was it that
you were hired as the youngest CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Plus all this happened while you were pregnant! Has that ever even been
done before? (I'm sure at least one guy on the board thought you were
just fat or something and didn't realize you were cooking a bun, am I
right?)
Look,
I know you got a little flack about your maternity leave. I get it. I
do. You could
not
have won that argument. Everyone had their opinion on just how much
maternity leave you were going to need. At one end of the argument,
you had board members and shareholders who wanted you to birth your baby in the office
during a conference call, and at the other end you had earth mommies
everywhere demanding that you take at least six months to properly
bond with your baby, eat your placenta, and heal your aching hooha.
There was no way to appease everyone. You had to do what was right
for you.
I
must admit though, I really thought that two weeks was a bold
statement. When you first announced you'd only take two weeks
maternity leave, I thought, That's so cute that Marissa thinks
she's only going to need two weeks. It's her first baby and she's so
used to everything going her way, but babies throw even the strongest
people for loops. I hope she's ready to take off at least a month. But
nope, you proved me wrong and you were back in the executive suite
within two weeks, just as promised. Kudos to you (and the robotics
team who built you)!
I
didn't hear much about you again for a while, until last week when
you dropped the bomb on all of your Yahoo employees that they must
come in to work and toil in a cube all day.
Marissa,
girl, what are you thinking??
Come
on, you really took that whole "there's a new sheriff in town"
thing way too far. Remember, when I said earlier that you're
like a hero to women in the workforce everywhere? Yeah, I take that
back. You're Gordon Gecko's hero.
I'm
not going to get all scientific on you, but did you know there are
tons of studies out there that say that people are actually a lot
more productive from their home offices?
Take
me, for example. I am writing this on a Sunday afternoon. I'm not
wearing pants. Seriously. OK, I have pajama bottoms on, but they're
so pajama-y that I wouldn't even wear them to Wal-Mart. I've been
taking breaks from writing this so I can throw in a load of laundry
and help my kids with their homework. I will most likely finish this
piece tonight from the comfort of my bed once my kids are tucked in.
If
you told me I had to drag my ass into the office to write this, it
would never get done. Because I suck at the office. Truly. Ask anyone
who has ever been my boss. I'm that office worker who thinks "collaboration" means hanging out
in the break room all day re-hashing last night's episode of
Survivor. (“Hey, did you guys see Phillip running around the
island in his pink panties again? The Hubs was all, 'Where do you
even buy pink men's underwear?' Hey, do you guys know? Because I
think it would be funny to get him a pair for his birthday.”) I'm
always watching the clock and/or staring out the window. I steal
office supplies. I can't get enough Bic for Her pens! Corporate attire (even Casual Friday) sucks the life out of me
and literally makes me livid. I spend a ridiculous amount of
time and money on Amazon and Ebay just to fight the boredom and break
up my day with mail deliveries.
Mmmmmm . . . free office supplies.
After
working from home for the last 10 years, I can't even imagine how
pissed off I would be to hear that now I've got to suit up and chain
myself to a desk again.
Your
workers must hate you, Marissa. If they didn't hate you when you put
down the law with your 1987 Baby Boom-esque work ethic, then
they'll definitely hate you when the nursery you are installing next
door to your office is done. I know, I know. You're paying for the
nursery out of your own pocket. Yeah, you kind of have to. Only golf
course memberships and strip clubs can go on the CEO expense reports. I really doubt that this will be a new work-life balance option for
all your employees. If you did allow your employees to bring their
babies to work, you'd probably ask everyone to just keep them under
their desks so they won't interfere with productivity.
OK,
so what do I know? I'm just some dumb blogger. I'm not the CEO of
anything. Let me see if I understand your new policy: everyone needs
to haul their sad, tired asses into the Yahoo offices Monday to
Friday and if they're not willing to do that, then they can find
employment elsewhere. Hmm … I don't know. I would think that anyone
who is any good will definitely be able to find another job with a
better company (Google) where they will be able to find the
flexibility they are used to (Google). The ones who can't find a better place
to work (Google) will be forced to come into the office and steal your office supplies and stare out your windows.
Way to weed out the best!
Sincerely,
Jen
PS - You have my permission to run this letter on the front page of Yahoo if you think it would help boost morale.
OK, so what do you think? Is this a good idea for Yahoo employees?
Hey, I've been nominated for a Bloggie. Actually, two, but I don't want to get greedy. I just want to win WEBLOG OF THE YEAR. If you have a minute (really, it takes a whole minute) to vote for me I'd appreciate it.
Photo source: Freedigitalphotos
Marissa Mayer,
Hey,
it's me, Punchy. I've been meaning to write you a letter for a long
time. I'm sorry it's so long overdue. I guess I just haven't been
that motivated to write you since I'm home all day. Maybe if I was
stuck in cubicle hell I'd be inspired to write to you.
Anyhoo,
it doesn't matter. The important thing is that I am finally getting
it done!
First,
let me start with the accolades. Congrats on the new Yahoo gig. What
a great opportunity for you to set such a fine example for young
girls like my daughter, Adolpha. I'm sure young women around the
country are looking up to you as a hero. BTW, how amazing was it that
you were hired as the youngest CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Plus all this happened while you were pregnant! Has that ever even been
done before? (I'm sure at least one guy on the board thought you were
just fat or something and didn't realize you were cooking a bun, am I
right?)
Look,
I know you got a little flack about your maternity leave. I get it. I
do. You could
not
have won that argument. Everyone had their opinion on just how much
maternity leave you were going to need. At one end of the argument,
you had board members and shareholders who wanted you to birth your baby in the office
during a conference call, and at the other end you had earth mommies
everywhere demanding that you take at least six months to properly
bond with your baby, eat your placenta, and heal your aching hooha.
There was no way to appease everyone. You had to do what was right
for you.
I
must admit though, I really thought that two weeks was a bold
statement. When you first announced you'd only take two weeks
maternity leave, I thought, That's so cute that Marissa thinks
she's only going to need two weeks. It's her first baby and she's so
used to everything going her way, but babies throw even the strongest
people for loops. I hope she's ready to take off at least a month. But
nope, you proved me wrong and you were back in the executive suite
within two weeks, just as promised. Kudos to you (and the robotics
team who built you)!
I
didn't hear much about you again for a while, until last week when
you dropped the bomb on all of your Yahoo employees that they must
come in to work and toil in a cube all day.
Marissa,
girl, what are you thinking??
Come
on, you really took that whole "there's a new sheriff in town"
thing way too far. Remember, when I said earlier that you're
like a hero to women in the workforce everywhere? Yeah, I take that
back. You're Gordon Gecko's hero.
I'm
not going to get all scientific on you, but did you know there are
tons of studies out there that say that people are actually a lot
more productive from their home offices?
Take
me, for example. I am writing this on a Sunday afternoon. I'm not
wearing pants. Seriously. OK, I have pajama bottoms on, but they're
so pajama-y that I wouldn't even wear them to Wal-Mart. I've been
taking breaks from writing this so I can throw in a load of laundry
and help my kids with their homework. I will most likely finish this
piece tonight from the comfort of my bed once my kids are tucked in.
If
you told me I had to drag my ass into the office to write this, it
would never get done. Because I suck at the office. Truly. Ask anyone
who has ever been my boss. I'm that office worker who thinks "collaboration" means hanging out
in the break room all day re-hashing last night's episode of
Survivor. (“Hey, did you guys see Phillip running around the
island in his pink panties again? The Hubs was all, 'Where do you
even buy pink men's underwear?' Hey, do you guys know? Because I
think it would be funny to get him a pair for his birthday.”) I'm
always watching the clock and/or staring out the window. I steal
office supplies. I can't get enough Bic for Her pens! Corporate attire (even Casual Friday) sucks the life out of me
and literally makes me livid. I spend a ridiculous amount of
time and money on Amazon and Ebay just to fight the boredom and break
up my day with mail deliveries.
Mmmmmm . . . free office supplies.
After
working from home for the last 10 years, I can't even imagine how
pissed off I would be to hear that now I've got to suit up and chain
myself to a desk again.
Your
workers must hate you, Marissa. If they didn't hate you when you put
down the law with your 1987 Baby Boom-esque work ethic, then
they'll definitely hate you when the nursery you are installing next
door to your office is done. I know, I know. You're paying for the
nursery out of your own pocket. Yeah, you kind of have to. Only golf
course memberships and strip clubs can go on the CEO expense reports. I really doubt that this will be a new work-life balance option for
all your employees. If you did allow your employees to bring their
babies to work, you'd probably ask everyone to just keep them under
their desks so they won't interfere with productivity.
OK,
so what do I know? I'm just some dumb blogger. I'm not the CEO of
anything. Let me see if I understand your new policy: everyone needs
to haul their sad, tired asses into the Yahoo offices Monday to
Friday and if they're not willing to do that, then they can find
employment elsewhere. Hmm … I don't know. I would think that anyone
who is any good will definitely be able to find another job with a
better company (Google) where they will be able to find the
flexibility they are used to (Google). The ones who can't find a better place
to work (Google) will be forced to come into the office and steal your office supplies and stare out your windows.
Way to weed out the best!
Sincerely,
Jen
PS - You have my permission to run this letter on the front page of Yahoo if you think it would help boost morale.
OK, so what do you think? Is this a good idea for Yahoo employees?
Hey, I've been nominated for a Bloggie. Actually, two, but I don't want to get greedy. I just want to win WEBLOG OF THE YEAR. If you have a minute (really, it takes a whole minute) to vote for me I'd appreciate it.
Photo source: Freedigitalphotos
March 2, 2013
Weekly Wrap Up 3.2.13
I know, I know. It's been a while since I've done a wrap up. I've been buried under snow, laundry, and children who never go to school. It looks like maybe next week they'll have a full week (just in time to be released for Spring Break).
I've also been working hard on my upcoming anthology, I Just Want to Pee Alone. Have I told you about this a hundred times yet? I have? Well, guess what? I'm going to talk about it a hundred more times. It is in the final production stages right now and I am planning on a mid-March release.
I've been nominated for another award this week. This one is really cool: "WEBLOG OF THE YEAR!" That one sounds pretty amazing, right? You want to tell your family and friends that you read the WEBLOG OF THE YEAR, don't you? Well, I can't be the WEBLOG OF THE YEAR if you don't go and vote for me. Good news is, you can only vote for me once, so I won't remind you every day to vote. The bad news is, they want deets from you like an email address so you can verify who you are, blah, blah, blah. It takes 30 seconds more, but it's so worth it. You can vote for me here. Thank you!
Top Read Posts This Week:
snOMG - Our winters are usually cold and drab and I like to spend my free time praying for snow. It looks like I got three years worth of prayers all in one week. I've been stockpiling discounted sleds in my garage, so we got to put those to good use.
Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition - I was lamenting the fact that ladies don't have a swim suit edition to ogle. I've since been directed to buy a sexy fireman calendar or subscribe to the International Male catalog. Several helpful readers have actually sent me nudie pics. They're giving the Hubs a complex, so I think we're good now. Thanks.
Hey Girl . . . This was for my special Valentine (me).
Is it Possible to Be Too Sexy? - The Hubs has started working out too and he's worried he needs to take it slow or else he will get "too big."
The Hubs Thinks My Readers are Hot - The Hubs keeps track of my Twitter followers for research purposes. Honest.
My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):
Honestly, the only reason I searched for photos from the SI issue online this year was that we had dinner with another couple and he was talking about the cover model being heavier than usual. (I know this guy he means it.) Was watching the Super Bowl with him and he commented on Beyonce being heavy. That just shows how screwed up this is. I know, I know -- I should have probably punched him in the throat. Twice. on Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition
Surely a double standard, but equal male exposure is NOT the answer. Even a super hot dude in a thong makes me flinch. Yuck. Yes, Magic Mike was a disappointment. I didn't need to know that male strippers had feelings. But, on the bright side, Channing Tatum has a killer bod and is an amazing dancer. If he'd danced with fuzzy nuts and his dong flapping, I don't think I would have been as entertained. on Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition
Hubs has a point. I have always sworn that the scrotum is absolute proof of evolution. I just can't bring myself to believe in a God that would create that ugly sack and say "Perfect!" on Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition
Yes, yes, YES! More naked men all around please. Speaking of which, have you seen "Troy". I will just say I do NOT watch it for the acting. on Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition
Well, since funny is hot, I hope I qualify. Also, ladies, he was talking about me. My picture is a teddy bear with a camera. ;) on The Hubs Thinks My Readers are Hot
I just dropped a lump of buttery cracker and cheese on my leg and then ate it off my trousers. Pretty sure it wasn't my twitter pic. on The Hubs Thinks My Readers are Hot
I used to be skinny/fat and now I'm just full-on fat/fat. I'm desperately clutching on to my quick-fixes, like flowy blouses, Spanx and spray tans. 'Cause everybody knows tan fat looks way better than Casper fat. That's just science. on Is it Possible to be Too Sexy?
My mom tries to make like she didn't hop on the Jennifer bandwagon by saying that she named me after the actress Jennifer Jones in the movie "A Portrait of Jenny". I have another friend who swears her parents named her Jennifer because they never heard it before. I was born in 1973 and she was born in 1971. Gimme a break, goofball parents!! on People Who Do Studies About What Children's Names Mean For Their Grades, Their Future Salaries, Their Luck Factor, Blah, Blah, Blah
Since my name starts with a 'V', I'm going to consider it a win that I can even walk erect. That I can usually form coherent sentences and get myself through the world with minimal destruction in my wake? All icing on the cake, baby. on People Who Do Studies About What Children's Names Mean For Their Grades, Their Future Salaries, Their Luck Factor, Blah, Blah, Blah
* * *
This is a first! This is an award-winning comment. As of right now, this comment has 27 responses! This guy has won The Douchiest Commenter Award! Congratulations Timothy Faust! Your mom must be so proud of you! If you haven't already, be sure to pop some popcorn and then check out the comments and see all of the brilliant responses Timothy received. This guy really knows how to start a conversation!
What would the grounds of the suit be? How would you prove financial damages? There really isn't any legal grounds for a lawsuit. While what he did is abhorrent, it sounds like it has been handled correctly since charges have been filed. Don't expect him to get any more than a fine, which would be the appropriate punishment for any first time offender. Secondly, I hate people that bring their screaming kids on a plane. I can understand, if it is your first time flying with your child and you don't know how they will react, but I seriously had a woman sit down next to me with her crying three year old, and she says, "I hope you brought ear plugs because every time we fly he does this for hours." Really lady? You know he does this and you fly with him anyway? Next time drive or leave the kid at home with a sitter. I am so sick of parent who think they are untitled to make everyone around them miserable just because they are parents. on The Guy Who Hit a Baby on an Airplane
I've also been working hard on my upcoming anthology, I Just Want to Pee Alone. Have I told you about this a hundred times yet? I have? Well, guess what? I'm going to talk about it a hundred more times. It is in the final production stages right now and I am planning on a mid-March release.
I've been nominated for another award this week. This one is really cool: "WEBLOG OF THE YEAR!" That one sounds pretty amazing, right? You want to tell your family and friends that you read the WEBLOG OF THE YEAR, don't you? Well, I can't be the WEBLOG OF THE YEAR if you don't go and vote for me. Good news is, you can only vote for me once, so I won't remind you every day to vote. The bad news is, they want deets from you like an email address so you can verify who you are, blah, blah, blah. It takes 30 seconds more, but it's so worth it. You can vote for me here. Thank you!
Top Read Posts This Week:
snOMG - Our winters are usually cold and drab and I like to spend my free time praying for snow. It looks like I got three years worth of prayers all in one week. I've been stockpiling discounted sleds in my garage, so we got to put those to good use.
Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition - I was lamenting the fact that ladies don't have a swim suit edition to ogle. I've since been directed to buy a sexy fireman calendar or subscribe to the International Male catalog. Several helpful readers have actually sent me nudie pics. They're giving the Hubs a complex, so I think we're good now. Thanks.
Hey Girl . . . This was for my special Valentine (me).
Is it Possible to Be Too Sexy? - The Hubs has started working out too and he's worried he needs to take it slow or else he will get "too big."
The Hubs Thinks My Readers are Hot - The Hubs keeps track of my Twitter followers for research purposes. Honest.
My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):
Honestly, the only reason I searched for photos from the SI issue online this year was that we had dinner with another couple and he was talking about the cover model being heavier than usual. (I know this guy he means it.) Was watching the Super Bowl with him and he commented on Beyonce being heavy. That just shows how screwed up this is. I know, I know -- I should have probably punched him in the throat. Twice. on Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition
Surely a double standard, but equal male exposure is NOT the answer. Even a super hot dude in a thong makes me flinch. Yuck. Yes, Magic Mike was a disappointment. I didn't need to know that male strippers had feelings. But, on the bright side, Channing Tatum has a killer bod and is an amazing dancer. If he'd danced with fuzzy nuts and his dong flapping, I don't think I would have been as entertained. on Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition
Hubs has a point. I have always sworn that the scrotum is absolute proof of evolution. I just can't bring myself to believe in a God that would create that ugly sack and say "Perfect!" on Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition
Yes, yes, YES! More naked men all around please. Speaking of which, have you seen "Troy". I will just say I do NOT watch it for the acting. on Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition
Well, since funny is hot, I hope I qualify. Also, ladies, he was talking about me. My picture is a teddy bear with a camera. ;) on The Hubs Thinks My Readers are Hot
I just dropped a lump of buttery cracker and cheese on my leg and then ate it off my trousers. Pretty sure it wasn't my twitter pic. on The Hubs Thinks My Readers are Hot
I used to be skinny/fat and now I'm just full-on fat/fat. I'm desperately clutching on to my quick-fixes, like flowy blouses, Spanx and spray tans. 'Cause everybody knows tan fat looks way better than Casper fat. That's just science. on Is it Possible to be Too Sexy?
My mom tries to make like she didn't hop on the Jennifer bandwagon by saying that she named me after the actress Jennifer Jones in the movie "A Portrait of Jenny". I have another friend who swears her parents named her Jennifer because they never heard it before. I was born in 1973 and she was born in 1971. Gimme a break, goofball parents!! on People Who Do Studies About What Children's Names Mean For Their Grades, Their Future Salaries, Their Luck Factor, Blah, Blah, Blah
Since my name starts with a 'V', I'm going to consider it a win that I can even walk erect. That I can usually form coherent sentences and get myself through the world with minimal destruction in my wake? All icing on the cake, baby. on People Who Do Studies About What Children's Names Mean For Their Grades, Their Future Salaries, Their Luck Factor, Blah, Blah, Blah
* * *
This is a first! This is an award-winning comment. As of right now, this comment has 27 responses! This guy has won The Douchiest Commenter Award! Congratulations Timothy Faust! Your mom must be so proud of you! If you haven't already, be sure to pop some popcorn and then check out the comments and see all of the brilliant responses Timothy received. This guy really knows how to start a conversation!
What would the grounds of the suit be? How would you prove financial damages? There really isn't any legal grounds for a lawsuit. While what he did is abhorrent, it sounds like it has been handled correctly since charges have been filed. Don't expect him to get any more than a fine, which would be the appropriate punishment for any first time offender. Secondly, I hate people that bring their screaming kids on a plane. I can understand, if it is your first time flying with your child and you don't know how they will react, but I seriously had a woman sit down next to me with her crying three year old, and she says, "I hope you brought ear plugs because every time we fly he does this for hours." Really lady? You know he does this and you fly with him anyway? Next time drive or leave the kid at home with a sitter. I am so sick of parent who think they are untitled to make everyone around them miserable just because they are parents. on The Guy Who Hit a Baby on an Airplane
March 1, 2013
Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition
Today the Hubs and I went to the library to get some work done. The Hubs doesn't really enjoy reading, but he does like to peruse the newspaper and magazine section at the library. At one point, he came back with the latest edition of Sports Illustrated. You know this edition, the one without any sports in it - unless painting bathing suits on naked girls is considered a sport now.
Of course I've heard about this magazine, but I've actually never looked at it before. Holy shit. That magazine is a rag. Have you seen this so-called swim suit edition? Half of the swim suits are painted on (really) and a few times girls are wearing a wool scarf that cover their nether regions or a mesh half shirt thingy. I'm always looking for new ways to wear my scarves and somehow I'd missed this on Pinterest!
Who knew a scarf was so versatile? It keeps your neck warm and you keeps you modestly covered at the beach!
I spend a lot of time at the pool in the summer and I have to say I (thankfully) have never seen the scarf-suit before. I can't imagine it would offer much support.
Looking at page after glossy page of nearly naked women really got me angry.
Where's our swim suit edition? It's so unfair. You go to any R-rated movie and you see boobs and bush, but you're lucky to glimpse the male star's tush. I went to Magic Mike and I had to endure a bunch of "I love you mans" and sweaty bro hugs just so I could barely glimpse a prosthetic penis and watch Channing Tatum gyrate in a baggy pair of sweats. So not cool!
"What gives?" I asked the Hubs.
"You get underwear ads," he said. Then he explained to me that the naked female form is more attractive than the naked male form.
I don't doubt that, but still, it's not fair! If the girls have to show theirs, then the men should too!
I'm ready to find a magazine at the library that is a swim suit edition where the men shave their balls and have them painted to look like bananas laying limply across their leg. Or see the men lounging on a beach wearing nothing but a mesh marble sack.
Photo source
Of course I've heard about this magazine, but I've actually never looked at it before. Holy shit. That magazine is a rag. Have you seen this so-called swim suit edition? Half of the swim suits are painted on (really) and a few times girls are wearing a wool scarf that cover their nether regions or a mesh half shirt thingy. I'm always looking for new ways to wear my scarves and somehow I'd missed this on Pinterest!
Who knew a scarf was so versatile? It keeps your neck warm and you keeps you modestly covered at the beach!
I spend a lot of time at the pool in the summer and I have to say I (thankfully) have never seen the scarf-suit before. I can't imagine it would offer much support.
Looking at page after glossy page of nearly naked women really got me angry.
Where's our swim suit edition? It's so unfair. You go to any R-rated movie and you see boobs and bush, but you're lucky to glimpse the male star's tush. I went to Magic Mike and I had to endure a bunch of "I love you mans" and sweaty bro hugs just so I could barely glimpse a prosthetic penis and watch Channing Tatum gyrate in a baggy pair of sweats. So not cool!
"What gives?" I asked the Hubs.
"You get underwear ads," he said. Then he explained to me that the naked female form is more attractive than the naked male form.
I don't doubt that, but still, it's not fair! If the girls have to show theirs, then the men should too!
I'm ready to find a magazine at the library that is a swim suit edition where the men shave their balls and have them painted to look like bananas laying limply across their leg. Or see the men lounging on a beach wearing nothing but a mesh marble sack.
Photo source
