Jen Mann's Blog, page 34
July 8, 2013
Katie Hopkins
Have you heard of Katie Hopkins? Well, let me introduce you. Katie is a real charmer. She's a British "reality television contestant" (Wouldn't you love for that be your claim to fame?? It's almost worse than "blogger.") who will do and say anything to be famous. She's appeared on the British version of The Apprentice and I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! as well as appearing in a few other British TV shows and she televised her latest wedding.
A quick look at her Wikipedia page tells me that Katie has a problem with staying married and staying faithful. She's a bit of a homewrecker and a social climber when it comes to her men. She likes to trade up.
This is all so interesting, because she's getting some notoriety these days for her controversial remarks about classism. She's come out and said that she refuses to let her kids play with children with "low class names" like Tyler or Chardonnay, because they'll be bad influences on her kids.
Riiight. Because a kid with a fame whore mother who doesn't mind being photographed having sex in a field with her married co-worker (true story) sounds like a terrific influence on my kid!
She went on a British morning show and vomited her ridiculous spiel all over the hosts and another guest who called her an "insufferable snob." Take a look.
Did you see my favorite part? She goes on about how she hates "location" names like Brooklyn and London and then the host says "Your daughter is named India" and she says, "But that's not related to a location."
Ummm ... yes it is, you dumb bitch. Last I checked India was a country, thus a location, thus your child's name is best known as a location name - the thing you say you hate. Get your shit straight, woman!
When I first watched this I thought, Well, I make fun of dumb baby names too, maybe I'm as bad as her.
But then I watched it again. The difference is I don't ostracize the kids because their parents named them a stupid name. I make fun of the parents for taking perfectly normal names like "Amy" and making them unique with ridiculous spellings like "Aighmey" so their snowflake will stand out in the crowd. I've never accused these parents of being bad parents or not taking an interest in their kids like Katie does. I've never said that because these kids have names with bizarre spellings they must not do their homework or show up late to school. I've never said these are "low class" names that are good indicators that their family is probably on welfare like Katie does. And I've certainly never told my children they can't be friends with someone named Cristah or Maysen, because their parents couldn't spel. Or Bear or Apple, because their parents didn't buy a baby name book.
No, I'm nothing like Katie. She is a total bitch who is using this whole name thing as a way to classify people and to determine if they're good enough for her family to socialize with. She swears she's never heard anyone holler an "upper class" name at a playground. Well, maybe she's been hanging out at the wrong playgrounds. Just this week I've heard, "Madeline, stop throwing mulch!" and "Henry, pull up your pants! We do not potty on trees!"
The other thing that irritates me about this twit is that she's so fucking ignorant that she can't see that the names she's given her kids: India, Poppy, and Maximillian are not upper crust names either. I think we've established that India is a location. Poppy is so easy for kids to call "Poopy" so I would have nixed that name for that reason, although it is adorable and very British, but I think Rose or Violet might have been better flower names if you're looking for classy. And Maximillian. Poor, Maximillian. All I can think of is he sounds like a gladiator or a super hero's arch nemesis.
At least when I poke fun of the parents of the Brandyns of the world, I can admit that I didn't do any better naming my kids. My kids have highly unpopular names, but with traditional spellings, because that's the part that drives me batty.
This woman is more than just a snob. She's the worst kind of person. The more I read about her, the more I see it. She hates poor people, fat people, tattooed people, and who knows who else?!
What do you think? Do you judge kids by their names (or just their parents)?
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
A quick look at her Wikipedia page tells me that Katie has a problem with staying married and staying faithful. She's a bit of a homewrecker and a social climber when it comes to her men. She likes to trade up.
This is all so interesting, because she's getting some notoriety these days for her controversial remarks about classism. She's come out and said that she refuses to let her kids play with children with "low class names" like Tyler or Chardonnay, because they'll be bad influences on her kids.
Riiight. Because a kid with a fame whore mother who doesn't mind being photographed having sex in a field with her married co-worker (true story) sounds like a terrific influence on my kid!
She went on a British morning show and vomited her ridiculous spiel all over the hosts and another guest who called her an "insufferable snob." Take a look.
Did you see my favorite part? She goes on about how she hates "location" names like Brooklyn and London and then the host says "Your daughter is named India" and she says, "But that's not related to a location."
Ummm ... yes it is, you dumb bitch. Last I checked India was a country, thus a location, thus your child's name is best known as a location name - the thing you say you hate. Get your shit straight, woman!
When I first watched this I thought, Well, I make fun of dumb baby names too, maybe I'm as bad as her.
But then I watched it again. The difference is I don't ostracize the kids because their parents named them a stupid name. I make fun of the parents for taking perfectly normal names like "Amy" and making them unique with ridiculous spellings like "Aighmey" so their snowflake will stand out in the crowd. I've never accused these parents of being bad parents or not taking an interest in their kids like Katie does. I've never said that because these kids have names with bizarre spellings they must not do their homework or show up late to school. I've never said these are "low class" names that are good indicators that their family is probably on welfare like Katie does. And I've certainly never told my children they can't be friends with someone named Cristah or Maysen, because their parents couldn't spel. Or Bear or Apple, because their parents didn't buy a baby name book.
No, I'm nothing like Katie. She is a total bitch who is using this whole name thing as a way to classify people and to determine if they're good enough for her family to socialize with. She swears she's never heard anyone holler an "upper class" name at a playground. Well, maybe she's been hanging out at the wrong playgrounds. Just this week I've heard, "Madeline, stop throwing mulch!" and "Henry, pull up your pants! We do not potty on trees!"
The other thing that irritates me about this twit is that she's so fucking ignorant that she can't see that the names she's given her kids: India, Poppy, and Maximillian are not upper crust names either. I think we've established that India is a location. Poppy is so easy for kids to call "Poopy" so I would have nixed that name for that reason, although it is adorable and very British, but I think Rose or Violet might have been better flower names if you're looking for classy. And Maximillian. Poor, Maximillian. All I can think of is he sounds like a gladiator or a super hero's arch nemesis.
At least when I poke fun of the parents of the Brandyns of the world, I can admit that I didn't do any better naming my kids. My kids have highly unpopular names, but with traditional spellings, because that's the part that drives me batty.
This woman is more than just a snob. She's the worst kind of person. The more I read about her, the more I see it. She hates poor people, fat people, tattooed people, and who knows who else?!
What do you think? Do you judge kids by their names (or just their parents)?
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
June 24, 2013
The Two Bridezillas
Today a reader brought this story to my attention and boy, did I sit up and pay attention!
OK, so here's the deal: two women got married in Canada. They invited 210 people and spent $34,000. That breaks down to about $162/person. Fancy schmancy wedding, right?
You would think that everyone who was invited would bring a fancy schmancy present to such an affair. Well, at least the two brides thought that. In fact, it sounds like they were counting on that. Apparently, they were expecting everyone to bring cold hard cash. Forget registering for a blender or bathmats - cash is king at this wedding.
If there are tea towels in there, I will cut you.
Well, one of the guests and her date didn't get that memo. Instead they brought their "go-to" wedding gift: a basket filled with fancy schmancy salsas, oils, biscuits, marshmallow spread, and more with a card that reads "Life is delicious - enjoy!"
Hmm, the brides took one look at this gift and let the guest know that her gift sucked balls. Yup. First, one of the brides texted her and asked her for the gift receipt because her spouse was gluten intolerant (liar!) and they needed to return some of the items. After a bit, she decided to follow up with another text full of helpful advice for future weddings this couple might attend:
"I'm not sure if it's the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding … people give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate . … and got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads-up for the future."
Wow. Talk about Bridezilla.
OK, so let me just get this part of the way: Yes, the gift was a terrible gift. It was lame and if you received that gift you'd scratch your head too and say, "Oh, Kathy! I can't wait until YOU get married and I can give you a basket of Jolly Ranchers and licorice in return. Even one of those fluffy toilet seat covers would have been a better idea than Fluff." But that's where it would stop.
Instead, my ire is reserved for the two blushing brides. (They should be blushing after this egregious behavior!) Can you imagine getting these texts? What the hell, ungrateful bitches. Here's some advice for them: no one throws a wedding to get rich, you dolts. Who ever told you that is as dumb as you are. Also, if you can't pay for your party, then don't have it. When I receive a wedding invitation I assume I received it because the bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom) have invited me because I am somehow special to this crew, not because I look like I'm good for $200 (minimum).
I think it's ballsy (except these are a couple of girls with vaginas, so it is "twaty") of these women to assume they're going to make bank at their wedding and then let you know what an asshole you are when they don't.
What do you think? Am I wrong?
If you liked this, FIND ME on Facebook and Twitter.
OK, so here's the deal: two women got married in Canada. They invited 210 people and spent $34,000. That breaks down to about $162/person. Fancy schmancy wedding, right?
You would think that everyone who was invited would bring a fancy schmancy present to such an affair. Well, at least the two brides thought that. In fact, it sounds like they were counting on that. Apparently, they were expecting everyone to bring cold hard cash. Forget registering for a blender or bathmats - cash is king at this wedding.
If there are tea towels in there, I will cut you.
Well, one of the guests and her date didn't get that memo. Instead they brought their "go-to" wedding gift: a basket filled with fancy schmancy salsas, oils, biscuits, marshmallow spread, and more with a card that reads "Life is delicious - enjoy!"
Hmm, the brides took one look at this gift and let the guest know that her gift sucked balls. Yup. First, one of the brides texted her and asked her for the gift receipt because her spouse was gluten intolerant (liar!) and they needed to return some of the items. After a bit, she decided to follow up with another text full of helpful advice for future weddings this couple might attend:
"I'm not sure if it's the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding … people give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate . … and got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads-up for the future."
Wow. Talk about Bridezilla.
OK, so let me just get this part of the way: Yes, the gift was a terrible gift. It was lame and if you received that gift you'd scratch your head too and say, "Oh, Kathy! I can't wait until YOU get married and I can give you a basket of Jolly Ranchers and licorice in return. Even one of those fluffy toilet seat covers would have been a better idea than Fluff." But that's where it would stop.
Instead, my ire is reserved for the two blushing brides. (They should be blushing after this egregious behavior!) Can you imagine getting these texts? What the hell, ungrateful bitches. Here's some advice for them: no one throws a wedding to get rich, you dolts. Who ever told you that is as dumb as you are. Also, if you can't pay for your party, then don't have it. When I receive a wedding invitation I assume I received it because the bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom) have invited me because I am somehow special to this crew, not because I look like I'm good for $200 (minimum).
I think it's ballsy (except these are a couple of girls with vaginas, so it is "twaty") of these women to assume they're going to make bank at their wedding and then let you know what an asshole you are when they don't.
What do you think? Am I wrong?
If you liked this, FIND ME on Facebook and Twitter.
June 21, 2013
Kimye Had A Baby and Lost Their Minds
North West? Are you kidding me? Seriously? Are we being punked? Is this is a test to see how dumb the world is that we would really believe that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would
I assume North West, because every variation of South West was already trademarked? Or maybe because Kim's original favorite Easton West (say it out loud) was too corny? Yeah, that's where they drew the line.
Hey, Kim and Kanye, you do know that just because you have buckets and buckets of money doesn't mean you have to pick a stupid name. No one would judge you if you named your daughter Jane. Take a look at the Pitt-Jolie clan. They never once named a child Peach or Cherry, because they understand that the idea is to name your kid something the kids can't make fun of on the playground of their high priced private elementary school. You're supposed to go through all the variations of your child's name (and initials - no one wants A.S.S.) to figure out all of the pitt-falls (ba dum dum) of each name on your list. The kids are going to call her Wild West. And Mid West (no they're not, they don't even know what the Midwest is).
Now that North is the official name, I would like to revisit Kimye. I'm beginning to think that actually would have been a better choice. I realize now that you didn't like Kash Kow, but Kimye West is downright precious compared to North. North makes me think of that stupid movie where that Hobbit kid goes off looking for better parents. (Hmm ... maybe you shouldn't let her see that movie.)
'Cause like the "K" is totally silent. (source: Wendy Nielsen)
Kim, does your mother know that you didn't stick the "K"s? She is going to have a fit. You're going to be fined. Literally. You might even be cut from the family empire. (You're definitely going to be cut if you can't squeeze those feet of yours back into stilettos before it's time to be photographed leaving the hospital.)
Look, at this point, it's still fuzzy if this is really the truth. Everyone is getting their news from TMZ and they're not the most reliable. Sure, they say they've seen a birth certificate, but there's still time to fix this. I've come up with a list of lovely K names that I think work perfectly with West:
Kali
Kallista
Kamilah
Karlotta
Karma
Kasmira
Kezia
Kora
Krystal
Just pick Krystal. It's perfect for you guys. It's glitzy and glamorous. Especially if you pronounce it Krys-TALL. Think of the branding opportunities you can have with a name like Krystal West: chandeliers, glassware, faux jewelry, bedazzled cowgirl hats (here's a good place to play up the whole "west" thing, right?), even lingerie at some point! No one wants to wear a thong by North West. We all know, North West makes track pants.
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I assume North West, because every variation of South West was already trademarked? Or maybe because Kim's original favorite Easton West (say it out loud) was too corny? Yeah, that's where they drew the line.
Hey, Kim and Kanye, you do know that just because you have buckets and buckets of money doesn't mean you have to pick a stupid name. No one would judge you if you named your daughter Jane. Take a look at the Pitt-Jolie clan. They never once named a child Peach or Cherry, because they understand that the idea is to name your kid something the kids can't make fun of on the playground of their high priced private elementary school. You're supposed to go through all the variations of your child's name (and initials - no one wants A.S.S.) to figure out all of the pitt-falls (ba dum dum) of each name on your list. The kids are going to call her Wild West. And Mid West (no they're not, they don't even know what the Midwest is).
Now that North is the official name, I would like to revisit Kimye. I'm beginning to think that actually would have been a better choice. I realize now that you didn't like Kash Kow, but Kimye West is downright precious compared to North. North makes me think of that stupid movie where that Hobbit kid goes off looking for better parents. (Hmm ... maybe you shouldn't let her see that movie.)
'Cause like the "K" is totally silent. (source: Wendy Nielsen)
Kim, does your mother know that you didn't stick the "K"s? She is going to have a fit. You're going to be fined. Literally. You might even be cut from the family empire. (You're definitely going to be cut if you can't squeeze those feet of yours back into stilettos before it's time to be photographed leaving the hospital.)
Look, at this point, it's still fuzzy if this is really the truth. Everyone is getting their news from TMZ and they're not the most reliable. Sure, they say they've seen a birth certificate, but there's still time to fix this. I've come up with a list of lovely K names that I think work perfectly with West:
Kali
Kallista
Kamilah
Karlotta
Karma
Kasmira
Kezia
Kora
Krystal
Just pick Krystal. It's perfect for you guys. It's glitzy and glamorous. Especially if you pronounce it Krys-TALL. Think of the branding opportunities you can have with a name like Krystal West: chandeliers, glassware, faux jewelry, bedazzled cowgirl hats (here's a good place to play up the whole "west" thing, right?), even lingerie at some point! No one wants to wear a thong by North West. We all know, North West makes track pants.
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June 10, 2013
My Kids Watch Too Much TV
My kids and I are away at family sleep
away camp this summer. We go every year together and every year we
all seem to forgot how “rustic” this place is. It's so rustic
that we have air conditioning and private bathrooms and WiFi – but
only in one building and it's not the one we're staying in, so for me
that's roughing it. The Hubs hates bugs and bunk beds more than I do,
so he makes the supreme sacrifice and stays home to work, because
someone's gotta pay for this adventure.
We arrived yesterday afternoon and
here's a conversation I had with my kids:
Upon arriving and checking out our home
away from home for the next week:
Adolpha: This is great! I get the top bunk! Woohoo. WAIT. Where's the TV? There's
no TV? I don't think I knew that before I came.
Two hours after we've arrived, we
realize I've forgotten to pack everyone a sweat shirt and it's cold,
so we trek back into town to hit the local yokel Wal-Mart to peruse
their wares:
Gomer: I'm really proud of myself. I
didn't think I could last this long entertaining myself, but I've
done really well. When I first realized there wasn't a TV, I thought
I'd never make it, but look at me now! I'm totally entertaining
myself!
Me: Gomer, you've entertained yourself
by unloading the car, making your bed, unpacking your stuff, and
playing with a soccer ball for thirty minutes before I took you to
Wal-Mart to shop. Let's see you get through tomorrow without telling
me you're bored and then we'll call it a success.
away camp this summer. We go every year together and every year we
all seem to forgot how “rustic” this place is. It's so rustic
that we have air conditioning and private bathrooms and WiFi – but
only in one building and it's not the one we're staying in, so for me
that's roughing it. The Hubs hates bugs and bunk beds more than I do,
so he makes the supreme sacrifice and stays home to work, because
someone's gotta pay for this adventure.
We arrived yesterday afternoon and
here's a conversation I had with my kids:
Upon arriving and checking out our home
away from home for the next week:
Adolpha: This is great! I get the top bunk! Woohoo. WAIT. Where's the TV? There's
no TV? I don't think I knew that before I came.
Two hours after we've arrived, we
realize I've forgotten to pack everyone a sweat shirt and it's cold,
so we trek back into town to hit the local yokel Wal-Mart to peruse
their wares:
Gomer: I'm really proud of myself. I
didn't think I could last this long entertaining myself, but I've
done really well. When I first realized there wasn't a TV, I thought
I'd never make it, but look at me now! I'm totally entertaining
myself!
Me: Gomer, you've entertained yourself
by unloading the car, making your bed, unpacking your stuff, and
playing with a soccer ball for thirty minutes before I took you to
Wal-Mart to shop. Let's see you get through tomorrow without telling
me you're bored and then we'll call it a success.
June 7, 2013
The Mean Moms at the School Concert
Today I heard the worst story I think I've ever heard.
Apparently somewhere in America today a principal is having an emergency meeting with a group of mothers. The mothers are there not to talk about their children's behavior. Instead they are there to talk about their own behavior.
So there was a music concert the other night and this group of bitches sat behind a teacher from the school and during the concert they proceeded to put chewed up gum in the woman's hair. Let me say this slower for you, because the first time I heard this story, I didn't quite understand and I thought it was the kids who did this. NO. Not the kids.
A group of bitchy MOMS went to a SCHOOL concert and sat behind a TEACHER who was volunteering her time to be there that night for THEIR kids and they put GUM in the woman's HAIR and now THEY have to meet with the PRINCIPAL.
What. The. Fuck?? Grown women at a school event bullying a teacher??? My head just fucking exploded. I feel like I need to rename my blog What the Fuck is Wrong with People????? This is not like the kids who bullied the lady on the bus. It was horrifying enough when it was kids doing the bullying, but it wasn't as shocking, because they're kids. Kids make all kinds of bad decisions. This is worse, because these are adult women accosting another woman. Are you kidding me? You would think that adults would behave better than a group of little kids. But I guess not.
It's like Mean Girls: The Suburban Mom Years. It just goes to show that Mean Girls can grow up, but some of them never grow up. I can't even fathom why these women would do that or how humiliating it must have been for that teacher to figure out that mothers did that to her. The teacher is a kinder soul than I, because I would gone fucking ballistic. I would have skipped the Principal and gone straight for my lawyer. Surely we could have found something to sue these bitches for!
I have no idea what will happen to this group of harpies, but if I were in charge, I'd demand a public shaming. I think they should be forced to stand outside of their favorite store where all of their other Mean Mom friends can see them. They would have a bowl of bubble gum and they would wear a sandwich board that says: I'm a menace to society. I haven't matured past my mean girl high school days. I think it's funny to put gum in my child's teacher's hair. Please put some gum in my hair.
Then hopefully they'd get so much gum in their hair they'd have to shave their heads bald.
Now that I think about it, the Mean Girl store isn't good enough. It should be a Teacher Supply Store! Even better!
If you liked this FOLLOW ME on Facebook and Twitter.
Apparently somewhere in America today a principal is having an emergency meeting with a group of mothers. The mothers are there not to talk about their children's behavior. Instead they are there to talk about their own behavior.
So there was a music concert the other night and this group of bitches sat behind a teacher from the school and during the concert they proceeded to put chewed up gum in the woman's hair. Let me say this slower for you, because the first time I heard this story, I didn't quite understand and I thought it was the kids who did this. NO. Not the kids.
A group of bitchy MOMS went to a SCHOOL concert and sat behind a TEACHER who was volunteering her time to be there that night for THEIR kids and they put GUM in the woman's HAIR and now THEY have to meet with the PRINCIPAL.
What. The. Fuck?? Grown women at a school event bullying a teacher??? My head just fucking exploded. I feel like I need to rename my blog What the Fuck is Wrong with People????? This is not like the kids who bullied the lady on the bus. It was horrifying enough when it was kids doing the bullying, but it wasn't as shocking, because they're kids. Kids make all kinds of bad decisions. This is worse, because these are adult women accosting another woman. Are you kidding me? You would think that adults would behave better than a group of little kids. But I guess not.
It's like Mean Girls: The Suburban Mom Years. It just goes to show that Mean Girls can grow up, but some of them never grow up. I can't even fathom why these women would do that or how humiliating it must have been for that teacher to figure out that mothers did that to her. The teacher is a kinder soul than I, because I would gone fucking ballistic. I would have skipped the Principal and gone straight for my lawyer. Surely we could have found something to sue these bitches for!
I have no idea what will happen to this group of harpies, but if I were in charge, I'd demand a public shaming. I think they should be forced to stand outside of their favorite store where all of their other Mean Mom friends can see them. They would have a bowl of bubble gum and they would wear a sandwich board that says: I'm a menace to society. I haven't matured past my mean girl high school days. I think it's funny to put gum in my child's teacher's hair. Please put some gum in my hair.
Then hopefully they'd get so much gum in their hair they'd have to shave their heads bald.
Now that I think about it, the Mean Girl store isn't good enough. It should be a Teacher Supply Store! Even better!
If you liked this FOLLOW ME on Facebook and Twitter.
May 31, 2013
A Proud Member of the Worst End of the School Year Mom Ever Club
Yesterday no fewer than five people sent me a link to a blog post and said, "Jen you MUST read this!"
Yesterday was the last day of school for Gomer and Adolpha. You know how sometimes you get to Friday and you say, "God, this week took forever!"?? Yeah, not this week. Every night this week I was like, "Wait tomorrow is _____??? Shit. I can't forget to sign Gomer's reading log so he can get it turned in and claim his reward, he wants a special pen for yearbook signing, I'm supposed to help out at both of their end of the year parties, I'm chaperoning a field trip (WTF? Why did they schedule the last Kindergarten field trip the day before their last day?? Even the teachers who scheduled it were regretting it that day. There were many dedicated teachers up in the wee hours of that next morning putting the finishing touches on end of the year [tear jerker!] slide shows.), I'm in charge of the class gift for Adolpha's teacher, and I need to vote on that last minute PTO thing before Thursday. Plus, I'm probably forgetting six other things."
I would open the blog post and I would get the first paragraph read and I'd be pulled away for another million reasons.
It's now 3:30 in the morning and I finally got the chance to sit down and read Jen Hatmaker's Worst End of the School Year Mom Ever fully and everyone who sent it to me was right. I couldn't stop what I was doing to read this post, because I was far too busy living what this post is all about! I had the Hubs rolling his eyes at me telling me to "blow" stuff off too, but as a mom I just can't. I can phone in a lot of stuff like letting everyone buy lunch all week long instead of me making lunch, scrounging around for and finding a simple red pen that I can then convince Gomer is a "really cool and amazing pen that will look terrific when you sign yearbooks with it!" and digging through Adolpha's closet to find her (probably dirty) field trip shirt, because she will be embarrassed if she's the only one not wearing one. I can dial it back and I have no qualms giving gift cards as teacher's end of the year gifts instead of something really personal and unique that took me months to think of or having a PTO vote over email instead of convening a real live meeting.
I'll be happy to take a C+ on my end of the year skills. It's better than failing.
I was not the mother posting Last Day of School pictures on Facebook along with side by sides of the First Day of School pictures. (When did this become a thing? WTF! I can't keep up!) I was feeling overwhelmed and half assed, because my kids looked like ass on the last day of school. I gave up trying to dress them months ago. On the last day of school I'm pretty sure Adolpha wore a striped shirt with a polka dot headband and argyle knee socks and Gomer has taken to dressing like he's ready to be subbed into a professional soccer game at any moment. Who wants a picture of this??
I was feeling overwhelmed and half-assed, but then I took a looked at my kids. They didn't think I was half-assing it. Gomer was thrilled with his super cool red pen and Adolpha loves to flex her style muscles without any interference. They enjoy having me at their class parties and chaperoning their field trips. I'm lucky, I have the job(s) that I have so that I can have the flexibility to do that kind of stuff. There aren't too many more years left that they're going to want me around.
Jen and I might feel like the Worst End of the School Year Moms Ever, but at least our kids didn't notice and everyone passed to the next grade, so we must not be screwing things up too badly!
Yesterday was the last day of school for Gomer and Adolpha. You know how sometimes you get to Friday and you say, "God, this week took forever!"?? Yeah, not this week. Every night this week I was like, "Wait tomorrow is _____??? Shit. I can't forget to sign Gomer's reading log so he can get it turned in and claim his reward, he wants a special pen for yearbook signing, I'm supposed to help out at both of their end of the year parties, I'm chaperoning a field trip (WTF? Why did they schedule the last Kindergarten field trip the day before their last day?? Even the teachers who scheduled it were regretting it that day. There were many dedicated teachers up in the wee hours of that next morning putting the finishing touches on end of the year [tear jerker!] slide shows.), I'm in charge of the class gift for Adolpha's teacher, and I need to vote on that last minute PTO thing before Thursday. Plus, I'm probably forgetting six other things."
I would open the blog post and I would get the first paragraph read and I'd be pulled away for another million reasons.
It's now 3:30 in the morning and I finally got the chance to sit down and read Jen Hatmaker's Worst End of the School Year Mom Ever fully and everyone who sent it to me was right. I couldn't stop what I was doing to read this post, because I was far too busy living what this post is all about! I had the Hubs rolling his eyes at me telling me to "blow" stuff off too, but as a mom I just can't. I can phone in a lot of stuff like letting everyone buy lunch all week long instead of me making lunch, scrounging around for and finding a simple red pen that I can then convince Gomer is a "really cool and amazing pen that will look terrific when you sign yearbooks with it!" and digging through Adolpha's closet to find her (probably dirty) field trip shirt, because she will be embarrassed if she's the only one not wearing one. I can dial it back and I have no qualms giving gift cards as teacher's end of the year gifts instead of something really personal and unique that took me months to think of or having a PTO vote over email instead of convening a real live meeting.
I'll be happy to take a C+ on my end of the year skills. It's better than failing.
I was not the mother posting Last Day of School pictures on Facebook along with side by sides of the First Day of School pictures. (When did this become a thing? WTF! I can't keep up!) I was feeling overwhelmed and half assed, because my kids looked like ass on the last day of school. I gave up trying to dress them months ago. On the last day of school I'm pretty sure Adolpha wore a striped shirt with a polka dot headband and argyle knee socks and Gomer has taken to dressing like he's ready to be subbed into a professional soccer game at any moment. Who wants a picture of this??
I was feeling overwhelmed and half-assed, but then I took a looked at my kids. They didn't think I was half-assing it. Gomer was thrilled with his super cool red pen and Adolpha loves to flex her style muscles without any interference. They enjoy having me at their class parties and chaperoning their field trips. I'm lucky, I have the job(s) that I have so that I can have the flexibility to do that kind of stuff. There aren't too many more years left that they're going to want me around.
Jen and I might feel like the Worst End of the School Year Moms Ever, but at least our kids didn't notice and everyone passed to the next grade, so we must not be screwing things up too badly!
May 20, 2013
First World Problems are Hard
My friend, Annie, is really funny and she's always updating her Facebook with silly stuff. The other day she challenged everyone to list their first world problems. I, of course, can't think of any original ideas, so I swiped this one from her.
Here is Annie's: "It has come to my attention that the Kroger brand granola bars I purchase have far fewer choc chips per inch than the Quaker brand ... and this atrocity is completely unacceptable."
And here is mine: "Last night I wanted to soak in a bubble bath and I was out of bubble bath and had to use shampoo instead. The shampoo bubbles were not as soothing and it really disrupted my relaxation."
OK, it's time to whine. Let's hear your first world problems!
Here is Annie's: "It has come to my attention that the Kroger brand granola bars I purchase have far fewer choc chips per inch than the Quaker brand ... and this atrocity is completely unacceptable."
And here is mine: "Last night I wanted to soak in a bubble bath and I was out of bubble bath and had to use shampoo instead. The shampoo bubbles were not as soothing and it really disrupted my relaxation."
OK, it's time to whine. Let's hear your first world problems!
May 15, 2013
Well Done, Angelina
Like the rest of the world, I woke up yesterday morning to the news that Angelina Jolie had written an OpEd in the New York Times detailing her decision to have a double mastectomy as a precaution against cancer.
I had a lot of thoughts on this one.
I'm not a huge fan of Angelina. I've blogged about her before and I've always been Team Jennifer (Aniston) vs. Team Angelina, BUT I think that what she's done is really commendable. She took control of her body and her health and made some really important decisions. She has a truckload of kids she needs to take care of and she's putting them first and she wants to be around to see her grandkids.
Plus, she got a whole new discussion about breast cancer started and I think any discussion about breast cancer is a good one.
I was disappointed to find out that the test she took to determine she carries the BRCA gene mutation costs $3,000 and is often denied coverage by insurance companies. I know that she's speaking out about her surgery and today she allowed her doctor to share information about her medical treatment. Her doctor indicated that women with a high risk can typically get this test covered. I've been hearing some horror stories of women who have been denied though. I hope the next step is for Angelina to wield her power and take on the insurance companies and pressure them to cover this test.
I was shocked and surprised like everyone else. I'm not sure why, though. It's not like Angelina and I are tight and I see her every day. I don't know why I feel like it was any of my business what Angelina and her boobs have been up to. I was also surprised that she underwent such an invasive surgery. Especially, when she's so well known for her figure. The fact that she would do this and then share her story with the world, tells me that it was not a decision she took lightly.
And then last night, I got pissed. I was trolling around reading stuff on the 'net last night when I stumbled upon tons and tons of assholes who were RIP-ing Angelina's breasts. WTF is wrong with people? First, there were the dickheads mourning Brad's "loss" (as if Angelina's breasts were his property) and then there were the bitches coming out of the wood work blaming Angelina's karma. This sort of thing just infuriates me. It just shows that this world (or maybe it's just Twitter) is populated by idiots and douchebags.
I read today that some doctors are concerned that Angelina's story might encourage more women to have preventative mastectomies that aren't necessary in early stage breast cancers. You know what? These are my breasts and if I have cancer (even early stage) and I want to lop them off so I can sleep better at night knowing that my cancer risks are lowered, then I'll do it. They're not that important to me. My breast don't define me. I believe that Angelina really did her research and figured out a medical plan that was best suited to her. I admire her for empowering other women in the same situation. I'm not a high risk for breast or ovarian cancer, but if I was, you better believe I'd get that test done - even if I had to put it on a credit card.
At the end of all this controversy I see a mom who cares enough about herself and her family to make a life changing decision that will affect her family and career for the rest of their lives. I applaud her choice and I think she does not deserve a punch in the throat.
If you like what you read, please follow me on Facebook or Twitter!
May 10, 2013
Let's Celebrate ALL Moms This Mother's Day
It's Mother's Day this weekend and I've been thinking about all of the mothers that I love to poke fun at. This is the one day of the year when I don't care how you raise your child, because for those 24 hours we are sisters in solidarity. So, I'm wishing every one out there a Happy Mother's Day and I hope you all get what you want.
If I were handing out gifts, these are the gifts that I would give:
1. Celebrity Moms - A gorgeous "impromptu" photo op of you and the kiddos frolicking in a pristine meadow and/or sharing a delicious wholesome picnic lunch that can then be sold for the cover of an upcoming issue of Hello! or People magazine where they don't mention your penchant for pre-chewing your baby's food or the fact that you're just a "normal" mom who can't pretend to live on $25,000 a year (I'm pretty sure what's what the wood burning pizza oven in back yard cost).
2. Granola Moms - A day of no one staring at you while you breast feed your preschooler, wearing your new breast milk jewelry at your friend's natural birth where you help her become a mother for the first time surrounded by the strong women in her life who will then stick around and help her sew her own lotus bag and preserve her placenta.
3. Hipster Moms - An Instagram feed full of moms and children in lots of ironic shirts, nerd glasses, chevron, mustaches, and anything else that is already "cool" that I don't know about yet, while you wear your new pair of vintage sensible shoes.
4. Overachieving Moms - An ah-may-zing day full of glue guns, glitter, elaborate tea parties in the garden with themes like Marie Antoinette or Rustic Elegance, all topped off with a visit from your Elf bringing you a new strand of pearls (you can never have too many).
5. Book Moms - A cozy chair, drinks, snacks, a fully loaded Kindle, and 24 hours to read in uninterrupted bliss and comfort.
6. Moms Who Drink and Swear - A bottle of Jack and Chore Coupons that are really rules for a drinking game.
7. Helicopter Moms - A cellphone pre-programmed with the contact information for every one of your child's teachers (even if your child is in college), doctors/specialists and nearby ERs and pharmacies, your child's friends, friends of those friends, and a GPS locator chip for your kid's head so that you can know where he is at all times, who he is with, and what they are doing/saying/thinking.
8. Free Range Moms - A visit to an unknown city where you can give your kids a Greyhound bus schedule, a ticket, and a cell phone and challenge them to a race home.
9. Sanctimommies - Unlimited wifi where you can keep all of your Facebook friends updated hourly about how sad you feel for the mommies (like me) who want to be left alone all day, because it's a real shame these mean mommies can't be just like you spending the whole time with your children reveling in the magic and beauty of these little creations that you are responsible for.
10. Tiger Moms - A full day of listening to the sweet sounds of violin and/or piano practice, geography and math quizzes, and Chinese lessons, along with plenty of left over time for public humiliation and shaming.
11. My Mom - My mom is the easiest. Years ago when I still lived at home and every day was a day spent with my brother and me bugging her for something, I know she would have loved a day to herself where she could read, watch chick flicks, and be pampered. Now that she's a grandma, I would give her a day with all of her grandchildren where she can spoil them rotten with junk food, silly movies, messy crafts, and be on the receiving end of a thousand sticky hugs and kisses.
We all may have different ideas of what makes a great Mother's Day, but I think there is one thing we can ALL agree on:
Source
Happy (Lice Free) Mother's Day to every mother out there!!
Your turn. Tell me what YOU want for Mother's Day!
If you like what you read, please follow me on Facebook or Twitter!
If I were handing out gifts, these are the gifts that I would give:
1. Celebrity Moms - A gorgeous "impromptu" photo op of you and the kiddos frolicking in a pristine meadow and/or sharing a delicious wholesome picnic lunch that can then be sold for the cover of an upcoming issue of Hello! or People magazine where they don't mention your penchant for pre-chewing your baby's food or the fact that you're just a "normal" mom who can't pretend to live on $25,000 a year (I'm pretty sure what's what the wood burning pizza oven in back yard cost).
2. Granola Moms - A day of no one staring at you while you breast feed your preschooler, wearing your new breast milk jewelry at your friend's natural birth where you help her become a mother for the first time surrounded by the strong women in her life who will then stick around and help her sew her own lotus bag and preserve her placenta.
3. Hipster Moms - An Instagram feed full of moms and children in lots of ironic shirts, nerd glasses, chevron, mustaches, and anything else that is already "cool" that I don't know about yet, while you wear your new pair of vintage sensible shoes.
4. Overachieving Moms - An ah-may-zing day full of glue guns, glitter, elaborate tea parties in the garden with themes like Marie Antoinette or Rustic Elegance, all topped off with a visit from your Elf bringing you a new strand of pearls (you can never have too many).
5. Book Moms - A cozy chair, drinks, snacks, a fully loaded Kindle, and 24 hours to read in uninterrupted bliss and comfort.
6. Moms Who Drink and Swear - A bottle of Jack and Chore Coupons that are really rules for a drinking game.
7. Helicopter Moms - A cellphone pre-programmed with the contact information for every one of your child's teachers (even if your child is in college), doctors/specialists and nearby ERs and pharmacies, your child's friends, friends of those friends, and a GPS locator chip for your kid's head so that you can know where he is at all times, who he is with, and what they are doing/saying/thinking.
8. Free Range Moms - A visit to an unknown city where you can give your kids a Greyhound bus schedule, a ticket, and a cell phone and challenge them to a race home.
9. Sanctimommies - Unlimited wifi where you can keep all of your Facebook friends updated hourly about how sad you feel for the mommies (like me) who want to be left alone all day, because it's a real shame these mean mommies can't be just like you spending the whole time with your children reveling in the magic and beauty of these little creations that you are responsible for.
10. Tiger Moms - A full day of listening to the sweet sounds of violin and/or piano practice, geography and math quizzes, and Chinese lessons, along with plenty of left over time for public humiliation and shaming.
11. My Mom - My mom is the easiest. Years ago when I still lived at home and every day was a day spent with my brother and me bugging her for something, I know she would have loved a day to herself where she could read, watch chick flicks, and be pampered. Now that she's a grandma, I would give her a day with all of her grandchildren where she can spoil them rotten with junk food, silly movies, messy crafts, and be on the receiving end of a thousand sticky hugs and kisses.
We all may have different ideas of what makes a great Mother's Day, but I think there is one thing we can ALL agree on:
Source
Happy (Lice Free) Mother's Day to every mother out there!!
Your turn. Tell me what YOU want for Mother's Day!
If you like what you read, please follow me on Facebook or Twitter!
May 7, 2013
Abercrombie & Fitch
Wow. My mind was blown today. A friend sent me this article about Abercrombie & Fitch.
Do you remember shopping there when you were in college? I sure do. (Do they still smell like a junior high dance where the boys put on waaaay too much of dad's cologne and they play the music so loud you might get permanent hearing loss?) In fact, I think I still have my classic Abercrombie sweatshirt in my closet. Well, apparently, we shopped at A&F back when they were selling "fuddy duddy" clothes. (That sounds about right for me. I have rarely been on the cutting edge of fashion.) Nowadays, A&F has this total jackhole, Mike Jeffries, running the company and he's doing a really kick ass job (stock price is up, sales are up, new stores everywhere, blah, blah, blah) and he has a secret to his success: he only hires beautiful, thin "cool kids" so that they will only attract other beautiful, thin "cool kids" to shop at his stores, because he doesn't want losers even setting a hairy, fugly foot in his hallowed halls. And just in case the message didn't get through to the uncool, the ugly, and the fat people that there is nothing here for you, Mike wants to make it clear that you're not welcome and so he has decreed that the women's clothing line will not carry clothing bigger than a size L or 10.
When I first read this article, I didn't know if I was more impressed with the fact that Jeffries owns his asshole ways or if I was more disgusted that he's such a fucking dickhead who is desperately trying to hold on to his glory days of high school. (Actually, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mikey was a total la-hooo-zer back in the day. Look at how hard he's fought for those bulging biceps and how much he's paid for those sun-kissed locks - and eyebrows WTF? - and bee-stung lips. He looks like a genetically engineered geriatric douchebag.) He's an absolute creeper and I don't care how much he owns his actions, they're unacceptable.
I'm a dick, duude, but I'm OK with that, because I'm a coooool dick who hates losers and fat people.
When we have young women all over this country suffering from poor body image, I am disgusted that companies like this exist and are flourishing. A size 10 is big?? And it's not just the girls either. I've spent enough summers at the public pool to know that the average teenage boy doesn't have the chiseled body featured in A&F's steamy ad campaigns. (Luckily, they do make men's XL clothes, though, mostly to cater to the beefier athletes.)
For Jeffries to come right out and say his company philosophy is to be "exclusionary" makes me want to scream and burn my (Size XL) Abercrombie sweatshirt in effigy and break things (preferably a display of polo shirts at my local A&F). I am trying to raise children in this world who have a sense of self worth (that doesn't come from their stupid fucking jeans) and he continues to do what ever he can to make children feel excluded. Yes, teenagers are still children. And when a major company tells a teenager that they're not worthy of shopping at their store because her ass is too big what does that say to her? Believe me, she's already self conscious about that ass, she doesn't need Abercrombie & Fitch telling her that she's too horrible to buy a pair of their jeans. Nice work, dickhead.
In the 1990s Jeffires took over a dying company that sold "fuddy duddy" clothes and turned it into the Mecca of Morons. Reading the articles and looking through the photos of Jeffries and his young employees, made me feel sick to my stomach. This company embodies everything I despise. Ignorant, selfish, entitled, foolish, arrogant, elitist assholes who sit around with their fellow douchey "dudes" in their perfectly (identically) ripped jeans and their stupid fucking racist/sexist t-shirts with gems like "Tig Ole Bitties" and "Two Wongs Make a White" and yuk it up about raiding mommy's medicine cabinet or maxing out daddy's credit card while their asshole parents neglect them to spend time on the slopes or at the beach.
These are the same kids who tweet racist shit and tell their sorority sisters to stop being so fucking boring when frat boys are around. These are the same kids who received Participation Awards for every fucking thing in their lives and have that shit lined up on a shelf in their room, because that reminds them that they're precious snowflakes. These are the same kids who kill referees at soccer games. I hate these people more than you know.
My children are not old enough to grace the abs-infested aisles of A&F just yet, but the first time either of my kids asks for anything from this store, I will say Hell Fucking No. I realize that won't matter much to Mr. Jeffries. After all, I'm way too old, fat, short, and ugly to be allowed in his store. (I'm surprised he doesn't have bouncers at the door to turn away people like me.) He doesn't care what I think, because I'm not his clientele. Well, that's too bad, because he should care about me and other mothers like me. I am a mother who will influence and educate my kids about shopping consciously. I will raise kids like these girls who "girlcott" places like A&F. I will explain to my kids that we don't support companies that sexualize teens or marginalize people. We will put our money where our mouths are and we will buy our perfectly distressed $100 jeans ANYWHERE else, but A&F.
A&F can kiss my fat ass!
Do you remember shopping there when you were in college? I sure do. (Do they still smell like a junior high dance where the boys put on waaaay too much of dad's cologne and they play the music so loud you might get permanent hearing loss?) In fact, I think I still have my classic Abercrombie sweatshirt in my closet. Well, apparently, we shopped at A&F back when they were selling "fuddy duddy" clothes. (That sounds about right for me. I have rarely been on the cutting edge of fashion.) Nowadays, A&F has this total jackhole, Mike Jeffries, running the company and he's doing a really kick ass job (stock price is up, sales are up, new stores everywhere, blah, blah, blah) and he has a secret to his success: he only hires beautiful, thin "cool kids" so that they will only attract other beautiful, thin "cool kids" to shop at his stores, because he doesn't want losers even setting a hairy, fugly foot in his hallowed halls. And just in case the message didn't get through to the uncool, the ugly, and the fat people that there is nothing here for you, Mike wants to make it clear that you're not welcome and so he has decreed that the women's clothing line will not carry clothing bigger than a size L or 10.
“In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids,” he told [Salon.com]. “Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely." - Mike Jeffries
When I first read this article, I didn't know if I was more impressed with the fact that Jeffries owns his asshole ways or if I was more disgusted that he's such a fucking dickhead who is desperately trying to hold on to his glory days of high school. (Actually, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mikey was a total la-hooo-zer back in the day. Look at how hard he's fought for those bulging biceps and how much he's paid for those sun-kissed locks - and eyebrows WTF? - and bee-stung lips. He looks like a genetically engineered geriatric douchebag.) He's an absolute creeper and I don't care how much he owns his actions, they're unacceptable.
I'm a dick, duude, but I'm OK with that, because I'm a coooool dick who hates losers and fat people.
When we have young women all over this country suffering from poor body image, I am disgusted that companies like this exist and are flourishing. A size 10 is big?? And it's not just the girls either. I've spent enough summers at the public pool to know that the average teenage boy doesn't have the chiseled body featured in A&F's steamy ad campaigns. (Luckily, they do make men's XL clothes, though, mostly to cater to the beefier athletes.)
For Jeffries to come right out and say his company philosophy is to be "exclusionary" makes me want to scream and burn my (Size XL) Abercrombie sweatshirt in effigy and break things (preferably a display of polo shirts at my local A&F). I am trying to raise children in this world who have a sense of self worth (that doesn't come from their stupid fucking jeans) and he continues to do what ever he can to make children feel excluded. Yes, teenagers are still children. And when a major company tells a teenager that they're not worthy of shopping at their store because her ass is too big what does that say to her? Believe me, she's already self conscious about that ass, she doesn't need Abercrombie & Fitch telling her that she's too horrible to buy a pair of their jeans. Nice work, dickhead.
In the 1990s Jeffires took over a dying company that sold "fuddy duddy" clothes and turned it into the Mecca of Morons. Reading the articles and looking through the photos of Jeffries and his young employees, made me feel sick to my stomach. This company embodies everything I despise. Ignorant, selfish, entitled, foolish, arrogant, elitist assholes who sit around with their fellow douchey "dudes" in their perfectly (identically) ripped jeans and their stupid fucking racist/sexist t-shirts with gems like "Tig Ole Bitties" and "Two Wongs Make a White" and yuk it up about raiding mommy's medicine cabinet or maxing out daddy's credit card while their asshole parents neglect them to spend time on the slopes or at the beach.
These are the same kids who tweet racist shit and tell their sorority sisters to stop being so fucking boring when frat boys are around. These are the same kids who received Participation Awards for every fucking thing in their lives and have that shit lined up on a shelf in their room, because that reminds them that they're precious snowflakes. These are the same kids who kill referees at soccer games. I hate these people more than you know.
My children are not old enough to grace the abs-infested aisles of A&F just yet, but the first time either of my kids asks for anything from this store, I will say Hell Fucking No. I realize that won't matter much to Mr. Jeffries. After all, I'm way too old, fat, short, and ugly to be allowed in his store. (I'm surprised he doesn't have bouncers at the door to turn away people like me.) He doesn't care what I think, because I'm not his clientele. Well, that's too bad, because he should care about me and other mothers like me. I am a mother who will influence and educate my kids about shopping consciously. I will raise kids like these girls who "girlcott" places like A&F. I will explain to my kids that we don't support companies that sexualize teens or marginalize people. We will put our money where our mouths are and we will buy our perfectly distressed $100 jeans ANYWHERE else, but A&F.
A&F can kiss my fat ass!
