Jen Mann's Blog, page 30
November 6, 2013
People Who Get Me and My Family Sick
We went to a public playscape the other day and I was surprised my children didn't come home with The Bubonic Plague. It seemed like every other kid in there was snotting on everything, coughing up a lung or projectile vomiting.
I overheard one mom actually say, "We just came from the doctor's office. He's got strep, but we started the antibiotic this morning, so we're good." Really? Because he didn't look good. He looked feverish and he looked like he was enjoying licking every solid surface in the room.
"Oh I know, that junk is going around. Well, between you and me and the wall, Alannah has pink eye. She woke up this morning with her eye all crusty. Luckily, I had old antibiotic from 2 years ago. I gave her a double dose and she perked right up."
Crap! I had just paid twenty bucks to get my kids into this place, the hell I could leave so soon! The Hubs would kill me! I had to get my money's worth even if that meant the kids might catch a flesh eating bacteria.
I quickly moved my children to other end of the room and doused them in hand sanitizer. I pointed out Strep Boy and told them to give him a good 10 foot radius.
What gives with these people?
Holy crap, keep that shit to yourself.
Is it boredom slash laziness or is it attention hounding?
I wanted to ask Strep Mom: "Are you so bored that you can't be stuck in the house with your diseased child another minute, so you drag his dripping, hacking, feverish little body out to a play date and infect the rest of the population?"
And Pink Eye Mom doesn't get a pass either: "Maybe it is sheer laziness? You looked at her crusty, pink eye and said, "Fuck it. We had to deal with it. It wasn't so bad. Kids get sick, it's just part of life. You've been on antibiotics for a good 15 minutes. It should be fine. Let's go, all of our friends are dying to see us!"
I do realize it's winter and kids are sick all the time. I know kids will infect other kids, but when the parents don't give a shit that's when it really bugs me.
When I overhear parents sighing heavily and saying things like, "We were up all night with Baxter. He was projectile vomiting. It was like something from The Exorcist. But I just had to get out of the house. We were going crazy cooped up in there. How many times can you watch 'Cars'?" I just want to smack them.
"Cooper has a touch of the flu, but he should be OK at school today." What the fuck is a "touch of the flu?" Either you have the flu or you don't, but you can't have "a touch."
But it's not even the kids that bother me as much as the adults. I realize the kids have no control. If mommy says you're well enough to go out, out you go. A child isn't going to say, "Mommy, I'm still pretty infectious and I would hate to get the other kids sick. Think of the other mommies. It's been so hard on you getting up with me each night because I don't feel well. I think we should probably sit out this play date and try another time. Don't you? Let's watch 'Cars 2' now!"
Actually, the kid might have said that. I find that when it comes to illness, kids have more common sense than their parents (drilled into them by the schools - I don't blame them for teaching kids to cough in their elbows, wipe runny noses with tissues and stay home if you have a fever or a "touch of the flu" the teachers don't want to get sick).
Instead, it's the sick adults that drive me absolutely batty. I used to work with a woman who was Super Woman - or at least she thought she was. We worked in a very close space together and she would drag her sad, sorry, sick ass to work, because she was terrified the place would fall apart without her.
She would sit there and bark so much she sounded like a seal. She would blow her bright red nose until she'd practically pass out. She would be so stuffed up, she would talk "lie diss." She would sit there at her desk snorting and sniffing and sneezing and wheezing. In those days we didn't have Facebook yet, so she couldn't sit there and update her status with the color of her snot (like she did in person). "I've got green, Jen. That can't be good. Better look on WebMD."
That's when I would say, "Why don't you just go home?"
"No!" she would snap at me. "I need to be here/There's too much to do/I can't leave/I'm vital to the team/etc." You name it. There was always some over the top reason why she just couldn't be a normal person and call in sick. It was obnoxious. As if this multi-billion dollar company would come to a screeching halt because she wasn't there to answer the phone. (And I thought I had a pretty good sized ego!)
I would down Airborne like it was candy and Purell the shit out of myself. If she touched anything on my desk I'd whip out a Clorox wipe and decontaminate the entire desk and three feet of the surrounding area.
When I got sick (which I inevitably did despite all my valiant efforts) I would call Human Resources and say, "I can't come today, because Roberta got me sick." That was the best I could do. Roberta was my superior and I couldn't get too high and mighty with her if I wanted to keep my job.
What I wanted to say was, "We really should have a policy on this sort of thing. You know, if you run a fever, you should stay home. If you throw up, stay home. That sort of thing. I can only imagine how much money we lose each year to illnesses that could have been prevented if ONE fucking person had stayed home and didn't try to be such a fucking martyr. She spread her disgusting sickness throughout the entire office and now I'm sick and soon you will be too! Either that or we need a sick room where the sickies can work in a bubble so they only pass their illness back and forth to each other and the rest of us can stay healthy." I liked my job though (really I liked the money my job paid me) and as much as I'd like to, I couldn't go off on this little tirade anywhere but in my mind if I wanted to keep my job.
I'd get emails and VMs from Roberta during my "vacation day" (because that's how she saw it of course) saying how she was so surprised that (INSERT ILLNESS I CAUGHT FROM ROBERTA HERE) was keeping me down. When she was sick, she was able to just power through and come into the office and get her work done. Sure she was exhausted and sure she wasn't feeling 100%, but she never let a little flu/strep/mono/Swine Flu/Small Pox stop her and she was positive that she would see me in the morning, because we had a lot of work to catch up on!
I would reply with: "Doesn't look good for tomorrow. Better go ahead and call the temp agency now."
Because after dealing with her sick ass all week and then trying to recuperate while being berated by her, I totally needed a "mental health day."
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I overheard one mom actually say, "We just came from the doctor's office. He's got strep, but we started the antibiotic this morning, so we're good." Really? Because he didn't look good. He looked feverish and he looked like he was enjoying licking every solid surface in the room.
"Oh I know, that junk is going around. Well, between you and me and the wall, Alannah has pink eye. She woke up this morning with her eye all crusty. Luckily, I had old antibiotic from 2 years ago. I gave her a double dose and she perked right up."
Crap! I had just paid twenty bucks to get my kids into this place, the hell I could leave so soon! The Hubs would kill me! I had to get my money's worth even if that meant the kids might catch a flesh eating bacteria.
I quickly moved my children to other end of the room and doused them in hand sanitizer. I pointed out Strep Boy and told them to give him a good 10 foot radius.
What gives with these people?
Holy crap, keep that shit to yourself.
Is it boredom slash laziness or is it attention hounding?
I wanted to ask Strep Mom: "Are you so bored that you can't be stuck in the house with your diseased child another minute, so you drag his dripping, hacking, feverish little body out to a play date and infect the rest of the population?"
And Pink Eye Mom doesn't get a pass either: "Maybe it is sheer laziness? You looked at her crusty, pink eye and said, "Fuck it. We had to deal with it. It wasn't so bad. Kids get sick, it's just part of life. You've been on antibiotics for a good 15 minutes. It should be fine. Let's go, all of our friends are dying to see us!"
I do realize it's winter and kids are sick all the time. I know kids will infect other kids, but when the parents don't give a shit that's when it really bugs me.
When I overhear parents sighing heavily and saying things like, "We were up all night with Baxter. He was projectile vomiting. It was like something from The Exorcist. But I just had to get out of the house. We were going crazy cooped up in there. How many times can you watch 'Cars'?" I just want to smack them.
"Cooper has a touch of the flu, but he should be OK at school today." What the fuck is a "touch of the flu?" Either you have the flu or you don't, but you can't have "a touch."
But it's not even the kids that bother me as much as the adults. I realize the kids have no control. If mommy says you're well enough to go out, out you go. A child isn't going to say, "Mommy, I'm still pretty infectious and I would hate to get the other kids sick. Think of the other mommies. It's been so hard on you getting up with me each night because I don't feel well. I think we should probably sit out this play date and try another time. Don't you? Let's watch 'Cars 2' now!"
Actually, the kid might have said that. I find that when it comes to illness, kids have more common sense than their parents (drilled into them by the schools - I don't blame them for teaching kids to cough in their elbows, wipe runny noses with tissues and stay home if you have a fever or a "touch of the flu" the teachers don't want to get sick).
Instead, it's the sick adults that drive me absolutely batty. I used to work with a woman who was Super Woman - or at least she thought she was. We worked in a very close space together and she would drag her sad, sorry, sick ass to work, because she was terrified the place would fall apart without her.
She would sit there and bark so much she sounded like a seal. She would blow her bright red nose until she'd practically pass out. She would be so stuffed up, she would talk "lie diss." She would sit there at her desk snorting and sniffing and sneezing and wheezing. In those days we didn't have Facebook yet, so she couldn't sit there and update her status with the color of her snot (like she did in person). "I've got green, Jen. That can't be good. Better look on WebMD."
That's when I would say, "Why don't you just go home?"
"No!" she would snap at me. "I need to be here/There's too much to do/I can't leave/I'm vital to the team/etc." You name it. There was always some over the top reason why she just couldn't be a normal person and call in sick. It was obnoxious. As if this multi-billion dollar company would come to a screeching halt because she wasn't there to answer the phone. (And I thought I had a pretty good sized ego!)
I would down Airborne like it was candy and Purell the shit out of myself. If she touched anything on my desk I'd whip out a Clorox wipe and decontaminate the entire desk and three feet of the surrounding area.
When I got sick (which I inevitably did despite all my valiant efforts) I would call Human Resources and say, "I can't come today, because Roberta got me sick." That was the best I could do. Roberta was my superior and I couldn't get too high and mighty with her if I wanted to keep my job.
What I wanted to say was, "We really should have a policy on this sort of thing. You know, if you run a fever, you should stay home. If you throw up, stay home. That sort of thing. I can only imagine how much money we lose each year to illnesses that could have been prevented if ONE fucking person had stayed home and didn't try to be such a fucking martyr. She spread her disgusting sickness throughout the entire office and now I'm sick and soon you will be too! Either that or we need a sick room where the sickies can work in a bubble so they only pass their illness back and forth to each other and the rest of us can stay healthy." I liked my job though (really I liked the money my job paid me) and as much as I'd like to, I couldn't go off on this little tirade anywhere but in my mind if I wanted to keep my job.
I'd get emails and VMs from Roberta during my "vacation day" (because that's how she saw it of course) saying how she was so surprised that (INSERT ILLNESS I CAUGHT FROM ROBERTA HERE) was keeping me down. When she was sick, she was able to just power through and come into the office and get her work done. Sure she was exhausted and sure she wasn't feeling 100%, but she never let a little flu/strep/mono/Swine Flu/Small Pox stop her and she was positive that she would see me in the morning, because we had a lot of work to catch up on!
I would reply with: "Doesn't look good for tomorrow. Better go ahead and call the temp agency now."
Because after dealing with her sick ass all week and then trying to recuperate while being berated by her, I totally needed a "mental health day."
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November 4, 2013
That's NOT a Bad Word?
Last week Gomer was looking up words in the dictionary. Every week for school he has to look up new words and write down the definitions. When he's done with his homework, he peruses the dictionary to find the definitions of new words he'd like to learn.
Now, we just had our parent teacher conference where his teacher told us what a bright and inquisitive child he is, so you would think that he would use that extra time with his dictionary to look up words like:
Profligacy: recklessly wasteful; wildly extravagant, profligate behavior
or
Apoplectic: sudden loss of the ability to feel or move
Yeah, not my kid.
So, I'm working in my office and in comes Gomer with his dictionary and huge eyes.
Gomer: Mom! Guess what?
Me: What?
Gomer: I was reading my dictionary and I discovered something.
Me: Oh yeah? [I stop what I'm doing and I wait for my son to enlighten me and expand my vocabulary with a word like Ersatz: used as a poor-quality substitute for something else, inferior to an original item.]
Gomer: Yeah. I was told "ass" is a bad word, but it's not! It's a donkey! So when someone says, "I'm going to kick your ass, they just mean "I'm going to kick your donkey!" Right? [he thinks for second] Oh wait. It's the second definition they're talking about isn't it? [he whispers] The butt one?
Me: Yes, Gomer, it's the butt one that's bad.
Gomer: But I can still use the word ass when I'm talking about donkeys, right?
Me: No. Because I know what you're doing. You're pushing the envelope. No one uses the word ass for donkey anymore. You're just trying to get away with using a word you think is bad.
Gomer: Hmm. That sucks, because I want to tell people: "My favorite video game is Ass Kong."
I had to leave the room so he wouldn't see me laughing at him. My son's laconic sense of humor slays me every single time.
What words did your kid look up in the dictionary?
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Now, we just had our parent teacher conference where his teacher told us what a bright and inquisitive child he is, so you would think that he would use that extra time with his dictionary to look up words like:
Profligacy: recklessly wasteful; wildly extravagant, profligate behavior
or
Apoplectic: sudden loss of the ability to feel or move
Yeah, not my kid.
So, I'm working in my office and in comes Gomer with his dictionary and huge eyes.
Gomer: Mom! Guess what?
Me: What?
Gomer: I was reading my dictionary and I discovered something.
Me: Oh yeah? [I stop what I'm doing and I wait for my son to enlighten me and expand my vocabulary with a word like Ersatz: used as a poor-quality substitute for something else, inferior to an original item.]
Gomer: Yeah. I was told "ass" is a bad word, but it's not! It's a donkey! So when someone says, "I'm going to kick your ass, they just mean "I'm going to kick your donkey!" Right? [he thinks for second] Oh wait. It's the second definition they're talking about isn't it? [he whispers] The butt one?
Me: Yes, Gomer, it's the butt one that's bad.
Gomer: But I can still use the word ass when I'm talking about donkeys, right?
Me: No. Because I know what you're doing. You're pushing the envelope. No one uses the word ass for donkey anymore. You're just trying to get away with using a word you think is bad.
Gomer: Hmm. That sucks, because I want to tell people: "My favorite video game is Ass Kong."
I had to leave the room so he wouldn't see me laughing at him. My son's laconic sense of humor slays me every single time.
What words did your kid look up in the dictionary?
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October 30, 2013
The Lady Who Says, "No Candy for You, Fatso!"
It's time for Halloween. Do you have all of your little pirates and princesses ready to go? Did you get your Sexy Angry Bird costume out of the back of the closet and dust it off for another year?
I love Halloween. I love the spooky movies on television. I love the crisp, fall weather. I love getting all dressed up.
I'm a dead bride - just not a sexy dead bride. I have my limits.
I love all of these things about Halloween, but more than anything I love the bite sized Snicker bars. My kids aren't sure what they taste like, because I always steal them out of their buckets on the first night and hide them.
Halloween is a time for kids to put on crazy costumes and go ask strangers for candy. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's fun. Unless you live next door to this lady. She's going to hand out this letter:
Source: KWQC David Nelson
When ever a kid comes to her door she's going to size him up and see if he looks obese to her and if he does, Bam! He gets the "it takes a village to make your fat kid feel like shit" letter. She's a real gem.
I have prepared a letter for anyone handing out similar letters tomorrow night:
Happy Halloween, Asshole!
You are probably wondering why you received this note. It's because you ruined my kid's holiday and you've probably permanently damaged her sense of self worth. You couldn't just give her a bag of pretzels or bubbles or even a pencil? She loves pencils and would have been thrilled with a spooky pencil. There are so many other options out there for "healthy" treats. No one asked you give my kid a bite sized Snicker bar, but if you have any of those, I'll gladly take them off your hands.
In my opinion, you're one of the worst people I've ever met - or actually never met since you didn't step outside your house to talk to me about YOUR concerns for MY child. Instead, you chose the dick move of slipping a really mean letter into his treat bucket. By the way, he can read, so thanks for that. (He noticed you have a typo in the third paragraph, BTW. Why do assholes always have typos?) We'll just go ahead and send you the bill for the counseling that's now required, neighbor.
My hope is that you will step up and move away from our neighborhood, preferably this weekend. I'm available to help you pack your shit. I can't imagine what purpose you serve, other than every village needs an idiot and I guess you've got that position cornered.
Happy Halloween, Asshole!
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I love Halloween. I love the spooky movies on television. I love the crisp, fall weather. I love getting all dressed up.
I'm a dead bride - just not a sexy dead bride. I have my limits.
I love all of these things about Halloween, but more than anything I love the bite sized Snicker bars. My kids aren't sure what they taste like, because I always steal them out of their buckets on the first night and hide them.
Halloween is a time for kids to put on crazy costumes and go ask strangers for candy. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's fun. Unless you live next door to this lady. She's going to hand out this letter:
Source: KWQC David Nelson
When ever a kid comes to her door she's going to size him up and see if he looks obese to her and if he does, Bam! He gets the "it takes a village to make your fat kid feel like shit" letter. She's a real gem.
I have prepared a letter for anyone handing out similar letters tomorrow night:
Happy Halloween, Asshole!
You are probably wondering why you received this note. It's because you ruined my kid's holiday and you've probably permanently damaged her sense of self worth. You couldn't just give her a bag of pretzels or bubbles or even a pencil? She loves pencils and would have been thrilled with a spooky pencil. There are so many other options out there for "healthy" treats. No one asked you give my kid a bite sized Snicker bar, but if you have any of those, I'll gladly take them off your hands.
In my opinion, you're one of the worst people I've ever met - or actually never met since you didn't step outside your house to talk to me about YOUR concerns for MY child. Instead, you chose the dick move of slipping a really mean letter into his treat bucket. By the way, he can read, so thanks for that. (He noticed you have a typo in the third paragraph, BTW. Why do assholes always have typos?) We'll just go ahead and send you the bill for the counseling that's now required, neighbor.
My hope is that you will step up and move away from our neighborhood, preferably this weekend. I'm available to help you pack your shit. I can't imagine what purpose you serve, other than every village needs an idiot and I guess you've got that position cornered.
Happy Halloween, Asshole!
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October 28, 2013
Elf on the Shelf Birthday Elf
The apocalypse is coming! Take shelter! You've been warned!
The people who make that little bastard The Elf on the Shelf are at it again. They've got a new product: a Birthday Elf.
Yup. Now Santa's elves will fly down from the North Pole (wearing a cupcake around his belly for some reason) and help your child celebrate his/her birthday.
Source: Barnes & Noble
No, no, no, no, no. Surely you know by now how I feel about that doll.
It was bad enough when the overachieving mommies were turning their elves into mess-makers, but this one is just too much. There is no reason why my child needs one of Santa's elves at her birthday party. Isn't a pony enough?
Stop it. Just stop it. That stupid elf cannot come to a birthday party. He is not welcome. This is getting ridiculous. I have not read the book, but I cannot imagine that there would be any reason why he needs to be at a child's birthday party. He needs to stay in the North Pole until it's his season. He has work to do! He needs to make toys and whatnot.
And it's not just that the little bastard is showing up where he doesn't belong, but I feel like this is just another way that seasonal companies are looking for a way to stick around all year long.
We are letting retailers creep Christmas into our lives earlier and earlier. Did anyone else notice people wishing one another "Happy Half Christmas" on June 25? My Pinterest was exploding that day with ah-dor-able Christmas ideas. I'm sure that Hobby Lobby will start stocking festive holiday ribbon any day now if they haven't already done so.
I can't wait to see the overachieving Elf on the Shelf birthday parties now. Will he arrive in a hot air balloon? Is he messy too or does he bring elaborate over the top gifts?
The Elf on the Shelf people are milking their little doll for all it's worth, so I'll give them a hand. Here are my ideas of more elves they could make:
1. Gender Reveal Elf - Santa sends down a pink or a blue elf to let your family and friends know what you're expecting.
2. Animal Loving Elf - This is for the dog and cat parents. It's an elf that Santa sends to keep an eye on your pet-child's behavior and report back if he should leave a lump of dog poop or a good chew toy.
3. You're Special Today Elf - This is like that You Are Special Today red plate. Only it's an elf that comes when your child has something special to celebrate like a 100% on a spelling test or an award for hanging up his coat properly.
4. The Elves of the Week - We've got panties of the week, why not an Elf of the Week? Monday's Elf is full of mischief (someone still has to make a mess), Tuesday's Elf is tiny (he's smaller than the rest), Wednesday's Elf is a little wacky, Thursday's Elf is ticklish, Friday's Elf is fun, Saturday's Elf is silly, and Sunday's Elf is sleepy (this one is for the underachievers like me who don't want to move him).
You're welcome, Elf on the Shelf people. I'll be waiting for my check.
Disclaimer: This is obviously not a sponsored post.
If you liked this, FIND ME on Facebook and Twitter.
The people who make that little bastard The Elf on the Shelf are at it again. They've got a new product: a Birthday Elf.
Yup. Now Santa's elves will fly down from the North Pole (wearing a cupcake around his belly for some reason) and help your child celebrate his/her birthday.
Source: Barnes & Noble
No, no, no, no, no. Surely you know by now how I feel about that doll.
It was bad enough when the overachieving mommies were turning their elves into mess-makers, but this one is just too much. There is no reason why my child needs one of Santa's elves at her birthday party. Isn't a pony enough?
Stop it. Just stop it. That stupid elf cannot come to a birthday party. He is not welcome. This is getting ridiculous. I have not read the book, but I cannot imagine that there would be any reason why he needs to be at a child's birthday party. He needs to stay in the North Pole until it's his season. He has work to do! He needs to make toys and whatnot.
And it's not just that the little bastard is showing up where he doesn't belong, but I feel like this is just another way that seasonal companies are looking for a way to stick around all year long.
We are letting retailers creep Christmas into our lives earlier and earlier. Did anyone else notice people wishing one another "Happy Half Christmas" on June 25? My Pinterest was exploding that day with ah-dor-able Christmas ideas. I'm sure that Hobby Lobby will start stocking festive holiday ribbon any day now if they haven't already done so.
I can't wait to see the overachieving Elf on the Shelf birthday parties now. Will he arrive in a hot air balloon? Is he messy too or does he bring elaborate over the top gifts?
The Elf on the Shelf people are milking their little doll for all it's worth, so I'll give them a hand. Here are my ideas of more elves they could make:
1. Gender Reveal Elf - Santa sends down a pink or a blue elf to let your family and friends know what you're expecting.
2. Animal Loving Elf - This is for the dog and cat parents. It's an elf that Santa sends to keep an eye on your pet-child's behavior and report back if he should leave a lump of dog poop or a good chew toy.
3. You're Special Today Elf - This is like that You Are Special Today red plate. Only it's an elf that comes when your child has something special to celebrate like a 100% on a spelling test or an award for hanging up his coat properly.
4. The Elves of the Week - We've got panties of the week, why not an Elf of the Week? Monday's Elf is full of mischief (someone still has to make a mess), Tuesday's Elf is tiny (he's smaller than the rest), Wednesday's Elf is a little wacky, Thursday's Elf is ticklish, Friday's Elf is fun, Saturday's Elf is silly, and Sunday's Elf is sleepy (this one is for the underachievers like me who don't want to move him).
You're welcome, Elf on the Shelf people. I'll be waiting for my check.
Disclaimer: This is obviously not a sponsored post.
If you liked this, FIND ME on Facebook and Twitter.
October 20, 2013
Maria Kang
Surely, by now you know who Maria Kang is: perky mother of three kids (in three years) and owner of a very small pair of booty shorts.
Maria took a picture of herself in her booty shorts with her little boys in the foreground and put the caption "What's your excuse?" (and her website) across the top.
Let's not even worry about my excuse. I have no excuse other than I hate to sweat, I love chocolate, and my doughy center is my best part.
The problem I have is that I'm really torn on Maria Kang. I saw her picture and I watched her on GMA (in her bathrobe with full hair and makeup making breakfast for her kids) defend her position and I have to say that of course I think she's a fame whore and after blogging for eight years she's finally found her moment. She's awfully conceited and faux. When you go to her Facebook page and blog there is a lot of humble bragging going on. For instance, she claims this family picture is one she took to just "update my Facebook profile picture." Yeah, I'm going to call bullshit on that one.
I can see both sides of her question. She says "What's your excuse?" is meant to be inspirational, although I didn't read it that way. To me, "If I can do it, you can too" would have been far less in my face and a lot more inspirational. But then again, I am a chunky monkey sitting on the couch making excuses every day why I can't work out, so of course I took her question to mean "What the fuck is your problem, you lazy piece of shit? Get off your ass and do something already. You disgust me." OK, maybe I didn't interpret it that harshly, but I did feel like it was more accusatory than inspiring.
I think she started a war between women and I have no desire to fan the flames. I think she looks amazing (even when she isn't airbrushed) and I know that many women would love to look that way and many can't for one reason or another (many have real excuses). I think her question was inflammatory and her "apology" was bullshit, but when I go to her Facebook page I see hundreds if not thousands of women who are inspired by her and good for them. I hope they achieve what they're looking for.
I know I said I have no desire to fan the flames, but I I lied. I'm ready to fan away.
I think what rubs me the wrong way about Maria Kang is that she just isn't owning it. Don't beat around the bush with words like "humble" and "blessed" and "amazed." Just fucking own it, Maria. Just say, "Yes, I look damn good because I get my ass out of bed and I sweat every day. I don't do a shitty 30 minutes of lunges or burpees in the park while my kids are swinging. I hit the gym and I work out until I puke. Besides working out like a fiend, I was blessed with some kick ass genes to begin with. There are many of you out there who will attempt to do the same workouts I do and you will never get the same results, because I was born fairly hot to begin with - sucks to be you. I didn't take this picture so I could update my Facebook profile, I chose to pose for this picture, because I was hoping it would go viral and catapult me into pseudo-stardom. That is why I dressed the way I did. I had to wear booty shorts because I wanted the world to see me and what I look like. I look damn good and you can't tell that if I wore jeans for this picture. I know your husband is probably spanking it right now, but that isn't my fault - that's yours. Of course, I'm rocking a spray tan and I had some photoshopping done, but what model doesn't go through that? Yes, people. I'm a model. I'm not just a little old housewife with three kids who squeezes in a workout here or there, I have worked my ass off and starved myself every fucking day for this moment right now. So, please, do me a favor and share this picture and make my dreams come true - I'd like a reality television show to start with."
If you like this follow me on Facebook and Twitter, because I am also trying to achieve pseudo-stardom, but not a reality show.
Maria took a picture of herself in her booty shorts with her little boys in the foreground and put the caption "What's your excuse?" (and her website) across the top.
Let's not even worry about my excuse. I have no excuse other than I hate to sweat, I love chocolate, and my doughy center is my best part.
The problem I have is that I'm really torn on Maria Kang. I saw her picture and I watched her on GMA (in her bathrobe with full hair and makeup making breakfast for her kids) defend her position and I have to say that of course I think she's a fame whore and after blogging for eight years she's finally found her moment. She's awfully conceited and faux. When you go to her Facebook page and blog there is a lot of humble bragging going on. For instance, she claims this family picture is one she took to just "update my Facebook profile picture." Yeah, I'm going to call bullshit on that one.
I can see both sides of her question. She says "What's your excuse?" is meant to be inspirational, although I didn't read it that way. To me, "If I can do it, you can too" would have been far less in my face and a lot more inspirational. But then again, I am a chunky monkey sitting on the couch making excuses every day why I can't work out, so of course I took her question to mean "What the fuck is your problem, you lazy piece of shit? Get off your ass and do something already. You disgust me." OK, maybe I didn't interpret it that harshly, but I did feel like it was more accusatory than inspiring.
I think she started a war between women and I have no desire to fan the flames. I think she looks amazing (even when she isn't airbrushed) and I know that many women would love to look that way and many can't for one reason or another (many have real excuses). I think her question was inflammatory and her "apology" was bullshit, but when I go to her Facebook page I see hundreds if not thousands of women who are inspired by her and good for them. I hope they achieve what they're looking for.
I know I said I have no desire to fan the flames, but I I lied. I'm ready to fan away.
I think what rubs me the wrong way about Maria Kang is that she just isn't owning it. Don't beat around the bush with words like "humble" and "blessed" and "amazed." Just fucking own it, Maria. Just say, "Yes, I look damn good because I get my ass out of bed and I sweat every day. I don't do a shitty 30 minutes of lunges or burpees in the park while my kids are swinging. I hit the gym and I work out until I puke. Besides working out like a fiend, I was blessed with some kick ass genes to begin with. There are many of you out there who will attempt to do the same workouts I do and you will never get the same results, because I was born fairly hot to begin with - sucks to be you. I didn't take this picture so I could update my Facebook profile, I chose to pose for this picture, because I was hoping it would go viral and catapult me into pseudo-stardom. That is why I dressed the way I did. I had to wear booty shorts because I wanted the world to see me and what I look like. I look damn good and you can't tell that if I wore jeans for this picture. I know your husband is probably spanking it right now, but that isn't my fault - that's yours. Of course, I'm rocking a spray tan and I had some photoshopping done, but what model doesn't go through that? Yes, people. I'm a model. I'm not just a little old housewife with three kids who squeezes in a workout here or there, I have worked my ass off and starved myself every fucking day for this moment right now. So, please, do me a favor and share this picture and make my dreams come true - I'd like a reality television show to start with."
If you like this follow me on Facebook and Twitter, because I am also trying to achieve pseudo-stardom, but not a reality show.
October 9, 2013
8 Ways to Say "F*ck You"
8 Ways to Say "Fuck You"
I've noticed a real trend on the internet lately. The passive aggressive "fuck you". We've all been a victim of it and I'm betting we've all dropped one or two of our own on a douchebag here or there.
I've rounded up some of my favorites, but I know I missed a bunch, so leave yours in the comments!
1. Namaste - I'm seeing this one crop up more and more. It's like the hemp crowd wants their own fuck you. They will cut you for not eating your placenta or using reusable toilet paper and then at the end, they sign off with "Namaste."
2. Just Sayin' - This is the most abused fuck you phrase out there. By adding these two words to the end of any sentence, it's suddenly turned into a "joke." It's meant to take any phrase, no matter how horrible, and turn it benign. But you can't say "Your kids are disgusting and ugly, just sayin'" or "You're an idiot, just sayin'" and think that's OK. My standard response to this one will forever be, "You shouldn't be allowed to leave your house, just sayin.'"
3. Bless Your Heart - Only people with a southern accent can get away with this one. When the rest of us say it, it sounds like "Your mom's a whore."
4. Smiley and/or Winky Face - I have been known to use the winky face to express sarcasm. To me that is the only way to show tone of voice until a sarcasm font is invented. I only use the sarcasm winky face on people who I knew well and who understand my sense of humor. I would never say to a perfect stranger "You're a terrible mother. ;)" And yet it happens. Every single day.
5. Don't Take This Personally, But - As opposed to not taking it personally? When you say, "Jen, don't take this personally, but let's just say I would never do it the way you did." You just told me I suck on so many different levels you don't even have the time to educate me.
6. It's Just My Opinion - This one and It's just my HUMBLE opinion are two really good ones. There is nothing humble about your opinion. If you were humble you would keep your asshole opinion to yourself.
7. Whatever - This is the fuck you from the 13-year-old crowd that has slowly worked its way into adult vocabulary too. It's always used when the speaker has run out of anything intelligent to say or realizes he is going to lose his argument. It used to be "Agree to disagree," but apparently that was too many words and it has since been shortened to the charming "Whatevs."
8. I'm Not Trying to Offend You, But - Then just stop right there, because I'm already offended, Namaste.
If you like this follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.
I've noticed a real trend on the internet lately. The passive aggressive "fuck you". We've all been a victim of it and I'm betting we've all dropped one or two of our own on a douchebag here or there.
I've rounded up some of my favorites, but I know I missed a bunch, so leave yours in the comments!
1. Namaste - I'm seeing this one crop up more and more. It's like the hemp crowd wants their own fuck you. They will cut you for not eating your placenta or using reusable toilet paper and then at the end, they sign off with "Namaste."
2. Just Sayin' - This is the most abused fuck you phrase out there. By adding these two words to the end of any sentence, it's suddenly turned into a "joke." It's meant to take any phrase, no matter how horrible, and turn it benign. But you can't say "Your kids are disgusting and ugly, just sayin'" or "You're an idiot, just sayin'" and think that's OK. My standard response to this one will forever be, "You shouldn't be allowed to leave your house, just sayin.'"
3. Bless Your Heart - Only people with a southern accent can get away with this one. When the rest of us say it, it sounds like "Your mom's a whore."
4. Smiley and/or Winky Face - I have been known to use the winky face to express sarcasm. To me that is the only way to show tone of voice until a sarcasm font is invented. I only use the sarcasm winky face on people who I knew well and who understand my sense of humor. I would never say to a perfect stranger "You're a terrible mother. ;)" And yet it happens. Every single day.
5. Don't Take This Personally, But - As opposed to not taking it personally? When you say, "Jen, don't take this personally, but let's just say I would never do it the way you did." You just told me I suck on so many different levels you don't even have the time to educate me.
6. It's Just My Opinion - This one and It's just my HUMBLE opinion are two really good ones. There is nothing humble about your opinion. If you were humble you would keep your asshole opinion to yourself.
7. Whatever - This is the fuck you from the 13-year-old crowd that has slowly worked its way into adult vocabulary too. It's always used when the speaker has run out of anything intelligent to say or realizes he is going to lose his argument. It used to be "Agree to disagree," but apparently that was too many words and it has since been shortened to the charming "Whatevs."
8. I'm Not Trying to Offend You, But - Then just stop right there, because I'm already offended, Namaste.
If you like this follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.
October 8, 2013
8 Ways to Say "Fuck You"
8 Ways to Say "Fuck You"
I've noticed a real trend on the internet lately. The passive aggressive "fuck you". We've all been a victim of it and I'm betting we've all dropped one or two of our own on a douchebag here or there.
I've rounded up some of my favorites, but I know I missed a bunch, so leave yours in the comments!
1. Namaste - I'm seeing this one crop up more and more. It's like the hemp crowd wants their own fuck you. They will cut you for not eating your placenta or using reusable toilet paper and then at the end, they sign off with "Namaste."
2. Just Sayin' - This is the most abused fuck you phrase out there. By adding these two words to the end of any sentence, it's suddenly turned into a "joke." It's meant to take any phrase, no matter how horrible, and turn it benign. But you can't say "Your kids are disgusting and ugly, just sayin'" or "You're an idiot, just sayin'" and think that's OK. My standard response to this one will forever be, "You shouldn't be allowed to leave your house, just sayin.'"
3. Bless Your Heart - Only people with a southern accent can get away with this one. When the rest of us say it, it sounds like "Your mom's a whore."
4. Smiley and/or Winky Face - I have been known to use the winky face to express sarcasm. To me that is the only way to show tone of voice until a sarcasm font is invented. I only use the sarcasm winky face on people who I knew well and who understand my sense of humor. I would never say to a perfect stranger "You're a terrible mother. ;)" And yet it happens. Every single day.
5. Don't Take This Personally, But - As opposed to not taking it personally? When you say, "Jen, don't take this personally, but let's just say I would never do it the way you did." You just told me I suck on so many different levels you don't even have the time to educate me.
6. It's Just My Opinion - This one and It's just my HUMBLE opinion are two really good ones. There is nothing humble about your opinion. If you were humble you would keep your asshole opinion to yourself.
7. Whatever - This is the fuck you from the 13-year-old crowd that has slowly worked its way into adult vocabulary too. It's always used when the speaker has run out of anything intelligent to say or realizes he is going to lose his argument. It used to be "Agree to disagree," but apparently that was too many words and it has since been shortened to the charming "Whatevs."
8. I'm Not Trying to Offend You, But - Then just stop right there, because I'm already offended, Namaste.
If you like this follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.
I've noticed a real trend on the internet lately. The passive aggressive "fuck you". We've all been a victim of it and I'm betting we've all dropped one or two of our own on a douchebag here or there.
I've rounded up some of my favorites, but I know I missed a bunch, so leave yours in the comments!
1. Namaste - I'm seeing this one crop up more and more. It's like the hemp crowd wants their own fuck you. They will cut you for not eating your placenta or using reusable toilet paper and then at the end, they sign off with "Namaste."
2. Just Sayin' - This is the most abused fuck you phrase out there. By adding these two words to the end of any sentence, it's suddenly turned into a "joke." It's meant to take any phrase, no matter how horrible, and turn it benign. But you can't say "Your kids are disgusting and ugly, just sayin'" or "You're an idiot, just sayin'" and think that's OK. My standard response to this one will forever be, "You shouldn't be allowed to leave your house, just sayin.'"
3. Bless Your Heart - Only people with a southern accent can get away with this one. When the rest of us say it, it sounds like "Your mom's a whore."
4. Smiley and/or Winky Face - I have been known to use the winky face to express sarcasm. To me that is the only way to show tone of voice until a sarcasm font is invented. I only use the sarcasm winky face on people who I knew well and who understand my sense of humor. I would never say to a perfect stranger "You're a terrible mother. ;)" And yet it happens. Every single day.
5. Don't Take This Personally, But - As opposed to not taking it personally? When you say, "Jen, don't take this personally, but let's just say I would never do it the way you did." You just told me I suck on so many different levels you don't even have the time to educate me.
6. It's Just My Opinion - This one and It's just my HUMBLE opinion are two really good ones. There is nothing humble about your opinion. If you were humble you would keep your asshole opinion to yourself.
7. Whatever - This is the fuck you from the 13-year-old crowd that has slowly worked its way into adult vocabulary too. It's always used when the speaker has run out of anything intelligent to say or realizes he is going to lose his argument. It used to be "Agree to disagree," but apparently that was too many words and it has since been shortened to the charming "Whatevs."
8. I'm Not Trying to Offend You, But - Then just stop right there, because I'm already offended, Namaste.
If you like this follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.
October 3, 2013
Top 10 Ways Members of Congress are Like Toddlers
Top 10 Ways Members of Congress are Like Toddlers
1. They love the sound of their own voice, and they think everyone else does too.
2. They try to manipulate us with tears.
Turn off the waterworks, no one's buying it.
3. They whine when they can't have their own way.
4. They love to read Dr. Seuss.
5. They don't know what irony means, so it's adorable when they tell you that Green Eggs and Ham is one of their favorite books even though it's a story about a guy who refuses to try anything new and strange because he's afraid he'll hate it and then finally he relents and realizes it's amazing.
6. They don't understand where babies come from.
7. They like expensive toys and hate school.
8. They are selfish and always looking out for themselves and their own best interests.
9. They are think they are precious snowflakes living in a bubble and have no idea that there are consequences to their actions.
10. When they get angry, they take their toys and go home to pout in a corner.
Get your shit together, Congress! ALL of you! Don't forget - you have jobs now, but elections are coming and this kind of behavior gives me an itchy voting finger ...
Your mothers need to put you in time out. I'd say you need a good spanking, but I think too many of you would enjoy it!
Find me on Facebook and Twitter
1. They love the sound of their own voice, and they think everyone else does too.
2. They try to manipulate us with tears.
Turn off the waterworks, no one's buying it.
3. They whine when they can't have their own way.
4. They love to read Dr. Seuss.
5. They don't know what irony means, so it's adorable when they tell you that Green Eggs and Ham is one of their favorite books even though it's a story about a guy who refuses to try anything new and strange because he's afraid he'll hate it and then finally he relents and realizes it's amazing.
6. They don't understand where babies come from.
7. They like expensive toys and hate school.
8. They are selfish and always looking out for themselves and their own best interests.
9. They are think they are precious snowflakes living in a bubble and have no idea that there are consequences to their actions.
10. When they get angry, they take their toys and go home to pout in a corner.
Get your shit together, Congress! ALL of you! Don't forget - you have jobs now, but elections are coming and this kind of behavior gives me an itchy voting finger ...
Your mothers need to put you in time out. I'd say you need a good spanking, but I think too many of you would enjoy it!
Find me on Facebook and Twitter
October 2, 2013
Top 10 Ways Members of Congress are Like Toddlers
Top 10 Ways Members of Congress are Like Toddlers
1. They love the sound of their own voice, and they think everyone else does too.
2. They try to manipulate us with tears.
Turn off the waterworks, no one's buying it.
3. They whine when they can't have their own way.
4. They love to read Dr. Seuss.
5. They don't know what irony means, so it's adorable when they tell you that Green Eggs and Ham is one of their favorite books even though it's a story about a guy who refuses to try anything new and strange because he's afraid he'll hate it and then finally he relents and realizes it's amazing.
6. They don't understand where babies come from.
7. They like expensive toys and hate school.
8. They are selfish and always looking out for themselves and their own best interests.
9. They are think they are precious snowflakes living in a bubble and have no idea that there are consequences to their actions.
10. When they get angry, they take their toys and go home to pout in a corner.
Get your shit together, Congress! ALL of you! Don't forget - you have jobs now, but elections are coming and this kind of behavior gives me an itchy voting finger ...
Your mothers need to put you in time out. I'd say you need a good spanking, but I think too many of you would enjoy it!
1. They love the sound of their own voice, and they think everyone else does too.
2. They try to manipulate us with tears.
Turn off the waterworks, no one's buying it.
3. They whine when they can't have their own way.
4. They love to read Dr. Seuss.
5. They don't know what irony means, so it's adorable when they tell you that Green Eggs and Ham is one of their favorite books even though it's a story about a guy who refuses to try anything new and strange because he's afraid he'll hate it and then finally he relents and realizes it's amazing.
6. They don't understand where babies come from.
7. They like expensive toys and hate school.
8. They are selfish and always looking out for themselves and their own best interests.
9. They are think they are precious snowflakes living in a bubble and have no idea that there are consequences to their actions.
10. When they get angry, they take their toys and go home to pout in a corner.
Get your shit together, Congress! ALL of you! Don't forget - you have jobs now, but elections are coming and this kind of behavior gives me an itchy voting finger ...
Your mothers need to put you in time out. I'd say you need a good spanking, but I think too many of you would enjoy it!
September 26, 2013
Douchebag Teenagers and Their Parents
What would you do if your kid was a teenager who broke into an empty and beautiful home and partied like a rockstar and trashed the house? What would you do if your precious snowflake posted fucked up selfies on Twitter of his hard abs in the master bathroom mirror or asinine duckface slash cleavage shots around the keg in the living room? What would you do if the owner of the house came home to find his house destroyed by your brat? Would you punish your kid?
Of course not! That's just crazy! You would, of course, sue the homeowner for publicly shaming your piece of shit offspring.
I wish I was making this up. But, of course, I am not.
So there is an ex-NFL football player named Brian Holloway who owns a vacation home in upstate New York. Three hundred asshole teenagers broke into his house and wrecked it. I don't mean they spilled a little beer on his couch. I mean this house should probably be burned down because it's so messed up. People peed on his carpets. (People. Not animals who didn't know better. People. Human beings pulled down their pants and peed in the hallway.) People used markers and paint to write their names all over the walls, ceilings, etc. People broke windows and doors. And, oh yeah, they spilled some beer too. The owner is estimating $20,000 worth of damage, but after seeing the pictures, I think he's a little low.
While they were shitting in the bedroom and probably watching some girl get raped in the laundry room, they were also tweeting and Instagramming and whatever the fuck kids do these days to spread the word around the 'net that this party was "live" and everybody and their douchebag boyfriend should come.
No one said these kids were smart.
So, Brian Holloway scoured the Twitterverse and found all of these little shits and posted their selfies and their tweets on his website. He also encouraged them to come and help him clean his house because he was hosting a benefit for soldiers later that week. Instead of coming to help him, the parents started threatening him for posting their kids' tweets and photos on his website. (You should read the tweets, they are ridiculous.)
So let me get this straight. Adolpha and Gomer break into a house with 298 of their closest friends. They break everything they can, Adolpha takes a shit on the living room carpet while Gomer pukes his guts in the kitchen. They write MY PARENTS SUCK or whatever on the walls, all while photographing themselves doing these horrendous things and encouraging more shitheads to come and bring their own Sharpies and sharing it all on their social network. Then the cops come and they bolt and get away without me knowing. Then it's brought to my attention that my children's images and tweets are on a website showcasing their behavior and instead of punishing my kids or try to make amends, I call my attorney?
Because that's good parenting.
What the fuck?! No wonder these people's kids are such fucking assholes. THEY'RE assholes. Of course they raised assholes.
I don't even have to know these people to know they're the worst kind of people. I've read their spawn's tweets and their kids are fucking wastes of space. A bunch of bored middle class kids trying to be gansta with their douchebag Justin Bieber wardrobes and their Miley Cyrus-inspired tongues sticking out in every picture. These are the kind of kids I fucking hate. They make me want to smack their stupid vapid expressions off each of their fucking faces.
Holloway should be suing these kids for breaking and entering and trespassing and destroying his property. Not the other way around. And the parents should be responsible, because these kids are minors and they raised these assholes. Don't the parents have any sort of responsibility for this? Where do these parents get off thinking that he's in the wrong? What the hell? What sort of entitled brats are they raising? What message is being sent to these kids? Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy will sue the big bad man who is bullying you.
I don't know, but in my house if my kids are caught breaking and entering, trespassing, and vandalizing someone's house, the shit will hit the fan. Juvenile detention will be my first call, not my attorney's office.
Of course not! That's just crazy! You would, of course, sue the homeowner for publicly shaming your piece of shit offspring.
I wish I was making this up. But, of course, I am not.
So there is an ex-NFL football player named Brian Holloway who owns a vacation home in upstate New York. Three hundred asshole teenagers broke into his house and wrecked it. I don't mean they spilled a little beer on his couch. I mean this house should probably be burned down because it's so messed up. People peed on his carpets. (People. Not animals who didn't know better. People. Human beings pulled down their pants and peed in the hallway.) People used markers and paint to write their names all over the walls, ceilings, etc. People broke windows and doors. And, oh yeah, they spilled some beer too. The owner is estimating $20,000 worth of damage, but after seeing the pictures, I think he's a little low.
While they were shitting in the bedroom and probably watching some girl get raped in the laundry room, they were also tweeting and Instagramming and whatever the fuck kids do these days to spread the word around the 'net that this party was "live" and everybody and their douchebag boyfriend should come.
No one said these kids were smart.
So, Brian Holloway scoured the Twitterverse and found all of these little shits and posted their selfies and their tweets on his website. He also encouraged them to come and help him clean his house because he was hosting a benefit for soldiers later that week. Instead of coming to help him, the parents started threatening him for posting their kids' tweets and photos on his website. (You should read the tweets, they are ridiculous.)
So let me get this straight. Adolpha and Gomer break into a house with 298 of their closest friends. They break everything they can, Adolpha takes a shit on the living room carpet while Gomer pukes his guts in the kitchen. They write MY PARENTS SUCK or whatever on the walls, all while photographing themselves doing these horrendous things and encouraging more shitheads to come and bring their own Sharpies and sharing it all on their social network. Then the cops come and they bolt and get away without me knowing. Then it's brought to my attention that my children's images and tweets are on a website showcasing their behavior and instead of punishing my kids or try to make amends, I call my attorney?
Because that's good parenting.
What the fuck?! No wonder these people's kids are such fucking assholes. THEY'RE assholes. Of course they raised assholes.
I don't even have to know these people to know they're the worst kind of people. I've read their spawn's tweets and their kids are fucking wastes of space. A bunch of bored middle class kids trying to be gansta with their douchebag Justin Bieber wardrobes and their Miley Cyrus-inspired tongues sticking out in every picture. These are the kind of kids I fucking hate. They make me want to smack their stupid vapid expressions off each of their fucking faces.
Holloway should be suing these kids for breaking and entering and trespassing and destroying his property. Not the other way around. And the parents should be responsible, because these kids are minors and they raised these assholes. Don't the parents have any sort of responsibility for this? Where do these parents get off thinking that he's in the wrong? What the hell? What sort of entitled brats are they raising? What message is being sent to these kids? Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy will sue the big bad man who is bullying you.
I don't know, but in my house if my kids are caught breaking and entering, trespassing, and vandalizing someone's house, the shit will hit the fan. Juvenile detention will be my first call, not my attorney's office.
