Jen Mann's Blog, page 29

Don't Be an A-Hole at the Movies

With the holidays upon us a favorite family pastime is heading to the movies. I wanted to write this post as a friendly PSA: Please don't be an asshole at the movie theater.

So, last week during the Thanksgiving break, my friend Sheryl and her husband took their three kids to see Frozen, the new Disney movie. (God bless her, BTW, because my kids have been begging me to take them and I was in no mood to fight the crowds that weekend and really Sheryl's story shows why I didn't want to go. Maybe...

Doggie Doo

This is a REPOST from a few years ago.  STILL it's a great toy that we all LOVE!

So if you've been keeping up, you'll know that I bought my daughter Doggie Doo for Christmas this year.  I went out to buy Christmas crap at 50% off today and while I was gone, the Hubs decided to bust out the Doggie Doo game.

I came home to find my entire family cracking up over the most disgusting game I've ever seen.

When I bought the game, I knew the basic premise.  You feed the dog and then...

10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously)

I saw that You Know It Happens At Your House Too set up a challenge for 10 Things I'm Grateful For and then I read Jen's list and so I decided, what the hay?  I'll join in.

I know, I know, I don't usually do the positive stuff, but this one got me thinking.  I do gripe a lot and I don't want everyone to think that's how I always am.  I really do have a lot to be grateful for and it wouldn't kill me to acknowledge that.


I actually have a good friend who...

PIWTPITT's Official Elf on the Shelf Calendar

It's Elf on the Shelf time and so you know what that means, don't you? It's time to plan all of your Elfin' antics and this year our helpful overachieving friends have some up with a bunch of handy dandy calendars to help us less achieving souls get in on the fun too.

I've looked at several of these calendars and see a lot of the same things come up over and over. Ideas like: 
- Make a garland out of the kids' underwear.
- Decorate tree with socks and underwear.
- "Wrap" kids' bedroom...

Dinovember: Stop the Madness

First came the overachieving mommies and their Elves on Shelves. They hung them from ceiling fans and made them "eat" copious amounts of sugar. Then they got a little naughty. They made flour angels and teepee'd Christmas trees.



Well, move over Elf, there's a new little (even more) destructive bastard on the block: Dinovember.



Have you heard about Dinovember yet? A mom and dad started this new trend a couple of years ago, but it caught on like wild fire this year. Every night in November...

Moms Who Drink and Swear and I Have a Conversation

I can always count on Nikki at Moms Who Drink and Swear to find asshats in the internet. Today is no exception. She sent me a link to this dreamboat who shared his 10 things he finds unattractive in women and then made the mistake of asking me what I think. Well, since I'm a big mouthed, know it all, my first reply was, “Who the fuck does this guy think he is?” and “Damn. I'm like half that list. Am I annoying?” and that started the ball rolling for a conversation between MWDAS and...

Chippy is Sorry That You Made Him Sad

OK, remember last week when I wrote about Lululemon's founder telling the world that there's nothing wrong with his yoga pants, rather it's your ass and thighs that are the problem?



Well, he apologized.



Only, it's one of the worst apologies ever given. This guy - Chippy, as I like to call him - took his apology to the Fuck You Level.






Watch my Apology. Sorry you made me sad.



Chippy got on Youtube and worked up a crocodile tear and told all of his employees at Lululemon he was sorry. Yup - his employees. Nope - he didn't apologize to the millions of women who shelled out a hundred bucks a pair for his shitty pants only so they could moon the world and or be covered in little annoying pills and then be blamed for these problems because they had no business wearing his pants with those thunder thighs.



This guy puts the dick in dickhead. I'm surprised Lululemon is still letting this guy talk. He needs a muzzle.



The hubris is astounding. The last time I saw such a fucked up apology was when a two-year-old told me, "Sorry usually works."



Yes, sorry usually does work, Chippy, but this time you would have been better off saying, "Namaste, motherfuckers."



OK, seriously, if you haven't stopped buying his pants yet, now it the time. Tweet Chippy and let him know you'll never buy his pants for the first time or ever again. 



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8 Ways to Say "F*ck You"

8 Ways to Say "Fuck You"



I've noticed a real trend on the internet lately. The passive aggressive "fuck you". We've all been a victim of it and I'm betting we've all dropped one or two of our own on a douchebag here or there.



I've rounded up some of my favorites, but I know I missed a bunch, so leave yours in the comments!








1. Namaste - I'm seeing this one crop up more and more. It's like the hemp crowd wants their own fuck you. They will cut you for not eating your placenta or using reusable toilet paper and then at the end, they sign off with "Namaste."



2. Just Sayin' - This is the most abused fuck you phrase out there. By adding these two words to the end of any sentence, it's suddenly turned into a "joke." It's meant to take any phrase, no matter how horrible, and turn it benign. But you can't say "Your kids are disgusting and ugly, just sayin'" or "You're an idiot, just sayin'" and think that's OK. My standard response to this one will forever be, "You shouldn't be allowed to leave your house, just sayin.'"



3. Bless Your Heart - Only people with a southern accent can get away with this one. When the rest of us say it, it sounds like "Your mom's a whore."



4. Smiley and/or Winky Face - I have been known to use the winky face to express sarcasm. To me that is the only way to show tone of voice until a sarcasm font is invented. I only use the sarcasm winky face on people who I knew well and who understand my sense of humor. I would never say to a perfect stranger "You're a terrible mother. ;)" And yet it happens. Every single day.



5. Don't Take This Personally, But - As opposed to not taking it personally? When you say, "Jen, don't take this personally, but let's just say I would never do it the way you did." You just told me I suck on so many different levels you don't even have the time to educate me.



6. It's Just My Opinion - This one and It's just my HUMBLE opinion are two really good ones. There is nothing humble about your opinion. If you were humble you would keep your asshole opinion to yourself.



7. Whatever - This is the fuck you from the 13-year-old crowd that has slowly worked its way into adult vocabulary too. It's always used when the speaker has run out of anything intelligent to say or realizes he is going to lose his argument. It used to be "Agree to disagree," but apparently that was too many words and it has since been shortened to the charming "Whatevs."




8. I'm Not Trying to Offend You, But - Then just stop right there, because I'm already offended, Namaste.



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I am the World's Okayest Mom

We are coming into the dreaded holiday season where people mainlining pumpkin spice and holiday cheer start upping the ante and I can already feel my heart rate rising and the hairs on the back of my neck bristling. My Facebook feed is flooded with mostly humble braggy "thankful" posts from people who normally complain about everything - even the weather - on an hourly basis, mixed in with hundreds of (supposedly) unbelievably easy and adorable crafts to make between now and Christmas.






Luckily, I am able to skip right by those posts and tune out the moms at the playdates who are already worrying about how quickly their newest Easy Peasy Life Scheduling Apps ("I just downloaded it this month, and it is a life changer. I can make lists of lists I need to make!") are filling up with holiday parties, photo shoots, shopping lists, visits with the in-laws, gift exchanges, private visits to Santa, and more wedged in between the usual soccer practice, art lessons, chess club, and Kumon. Since I don't give a crap about most of that stuff, I just smile and say, "I'm so thankful that my kids want cash for Christmas this year, no one has invited me to their cookie exchange in a year now, and I just paid forty bucks for school pictures, surely no one expects me to take more pictures, right?"




When I see the horrified expressions of the moms illuminated in their glowing cellphone displays, I need to remind myself that I am an OK mom and there is nothing wrong with that.



There is a lot of pressure to be the World's Best Mom. Both from the outside world and from inside my tiny brain. Everywhere I look, I am bombarded with commercials for crap my kids don't need and holiday traditions I must start and food I must bake and then consume in mass quantities. There is an overwhelming feeling to make everything magical and amazing and special and unique and memorable and awe-inspiring or else I'm not a good mom. But you know what I realized a few years ago? I didn't have to listen to those commercials or my tiny brain. I could ignore it all.



That's right. I don't aspire to be the World's Greatest Mom. I don't even try.



I am perfectly happy being the World's Okayest Mom and no one's childhood will be ruined by that.





World's Okayest Mom


And it's not just this time of year that I feel this way. It's all year round that I hold that badge of honor proudly. I don't celebrate half birthdays (I celebrate the actual day, you can't get two parties out of me) or spend my weekends constructing the most kick ass diorama anyone in the third grade has ever seen (I wasn't good at those when I was in third grade, my kid has a better chance at an "A" making it by himself) or baking anything my family would enjoy eating (I live near a bakery for a reason). I don't make festive fall scarecrows to pose on our front porch (hay makes me sneeze) or get up to watch the sun rise with my kids (do you have any idea what time the sun rises??). 




Just because I don't do this stuff, doesn't mean I love my kids any less.




I don't live in a fog of mommy guilt where I worry if I'm screwing up my kids. I don't lose sleep at night worrying if my kids like me or if they had a great day. They know I love them and that's what is most important. I have to let them make mistakes and learn from them. I have to take care of more than just their happiness. The way I see it is, it's pretty hard to screw up your kids. As long as you're not abusing or neglecting your kids, you're probably doing OK. As moms, we have to let that guilt go. We have to stop worrying so much about our parenting and second guessing ourselves and judging ourselves. Our kids are happy if we're happy and I don't see how we can be happy if we're letting the mommy guilt get us down. We can't worry about the kids or the husband or the house at the expense of us. Let's face, it we're the glue that holds this family together and if we start losing it, everyone is going to lose it. We have to give ourselves a break and say, "Today being the Okayest Mom will do."



It doesn't always have to be perfect. Some days you can just pants it. You can throw out the schedule and the menu plan and the vacuuming and just read a book to your kid (better yet, have them read to you, that way you can still play Candy Crush) or draw pictures (never let a six-year-old draw your portrait unless you're ready for the honest truth about your crow's feet) or build paper airplanes (actually, don't do this - my house is littered with paper airplanes and mommy guilt might not stress me out, but paper airplanes everywhere certainly does). 




During this ridiculously festive and overbearing season, let's put aside our guilt for a day and just embrace our Okayestness (hey, if I'm making up words, I might as well go for broke) and just slow down and breathe and be. I don't know about you, but I'm going to relax and enjoy this time of year and not worry about hitting every item on the holiday to-do list or concentrate on "making memories" with my kids. My guess is, if I just slow down and spend time with the ones I'm truly grateful for, those memories will make themselves. They may not be the best, but OK, is fine by me.



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Lululemon's Yoga Pants Aren't the Problem - You Are

I swear, I can't turn on the news without hearing about yet another company with some d-bag at the top sticking his foot in his mouth. Don't these guys have PR firms that can handle this stuff? Do you think they know the cameras are on when they start talking or do they think they're just hanging out with their douchey buddies?



A few months ago it was Abercrombie & Fitch's CEO telling people they were too fat and ugly to shop at their stores. This week it is Lululemon's co-founder blaming an obvious defect with their product on women's fat asses and thighs and "over-zealous wearage." (I just made up that term, but I think if you read further, you will see that it fits and I'm betting it will be on a Lululemon CYA/disclaimer tag very soon.)



There's been some controversy in the high-dollar-yoga-pant-wearing world recently when it became apparent that Lululemon's pants were a little sheer for some of the ladies wearing them. It wasn't just the big girls having this problem, though I've seen the pictures of very small butts showing through very see through pants. There is obviously a problem with the material they're using to make the pants. Something has changed and many women are feeling a breeze on their backsides.



Instead of taking responsiblity and trying to fix the problem, the co-founder and Chairman, Chip Wilson, theorized about the cause of these sheer and pilling pants. 



"Frankly some women's bodies just don't actually work for it," Wilson said. "They don't work for some women's bodies. It's really about the rubbing through the thighs, how much pressure is there over a period of time, how they much they use it." (You can see his video here.) 




How much "pressure" is on them? They're yoga pants. They should be designed for pressure and rubbing and stretching as well as running errands, picking up kids from school, and vacuuming, you asshat.




Oh Chip, Chip, Chip. Why beat around the bush? Just come out and say it: Our pants only go up to a size 12. You girls with the 14 and 16 on your jeans should not be trying to squeeze yourselves into our pants. They stretch for a down dog, but not for a hot dog. If you put down the remote control and actually took your damn yoga pants to yoga, maybe they wouldn't be so sheer and pilly on you.




His wife was sitting right next to him and even though she looked like she might like to tell him to shut the hell up, she never did. 





Can you hear yourself? Shut it!
(source: Bloomberg TV)


Instead she stood by her man and doubled down on the asinine remarks by asking some nonsense about people causing damage to their their Lululemon's because they're putting them up against concrete. What the hell are you rambling about, lady?  


Ironically, these answers came up in an interview about taking 60 seconds a day to get your mind zen'd out and just recharge. These two need to take a week, because they're on a roll. Besides blaming their customers for these defects, they also mocked a domestic abuse fundraising event in Dallas. When they got called out on their shitty behavior, they offered to give "the gift of yoga" to the abused women at the shelter. Yeah, because yoga is exactly what those ladies need. At least give them some see through pants as well!  


I can honestly say I've never even tried on a pair of Lululemon yoga pants, let alone paid a hundred bucks for a pair. However, if I did, I would sure as hell expect them to never pill and they should stretch enough to cover my ass, even if I'm sitting on the apparent yoga pant killer: concrete.



I know that Lululemon has a cult like following where women swear up and down about how amazing their asses look in their yoga pants. Luckily, I'm not that vain and my ass isn't that great to begin with anyway. I like my Danskin yoga pants from Wal-Mart. They stretch where they need to stretch without giving away the goods and they never pill (even when I roll around on concrete, as I'm wont to do).

Plus, at 12 bucks a pop, I won't mind replacing them if they get a little sheer from over-zealous wearage.



Disclaimer: This was obviously not a sponsored post for Lululemon since I didn't say anything nice about them. I did say nice things about Danskin, but unfortunately they didn't pay me either. If you're reading this Danskin and you wanted to send me a couple pairs of non see through yoga pants, I wouldn't say no. A girl's gotta get her yoga pants somehow.







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