Jen Mann's Blog, page 31
September 25, 2013
NASA Needs Lazy People
Do you really ever have enough money? Aren't we all looking for a little extra cash? Especially now that we're getting close to the holidays?
Well, I'm here to help. Remember a couple of weeks ago when I told the pregnant ladies how to make a little more dough on the side? This time I have a tip for the rest of you. In fact, the pregnant ladies can't even apply for this job. Sorry, preggos, just go pee on some more sticks and sell them to jokesters around the world. You'll feel better.
The money making opportunity that I've found for you is a part time gig. Your new employer would need you for 70 days and in return you would earn $10,000. Also, you can add NASA to your resume when you're done with this one. Hello, Smarty Pants!
Sounds good, right?
Yup. NASA is looking for a few good men and women to test the effects of microgravity. Don't worry. I know it sounds all science-y, but you leave that part to the actual NASA scientists. You just need to stay in bed for the entire 70 days.
Now, when the Hubs told me about this job last night, I was all, "Wait. I get to stay in bed for 70 days AND they pay me? Sign. Me. Up."
He thought I was nuts. "That sounds terrible," he said. "That's why they're paying so much."
"Being paid would be a bonus. I would do that job for free," I replied.
That is my kind of job! I am easily one of the laziest people on the planet. Staying in bed for 70 days wouldn't even be that hard for me. I welcome the challenge. I would be happy to just try.
The only thing that would make this job better would be if NASA needed to know how full body massages affect microgravity too.
Sure, there might be some drawbacks:
Eating while in a prone position. Eh, I manage to do that most nights on my couch and it hasn't been a problem yet and bendy straws were made for sipping in a bed.
Reading on my back. Uhhh, OK, that's why several months ago I bought a Kindle in the first place - 'cause books are heavy, yo and that Kindle is so much easier to hold over my head when I'm too lazy to prop up on one arm to read. Just load up my Kindle and I'll see you in 70 days!
Not much privacy. Sooo no conjugal visits? You know what? This is for my country. People make sacrifices every day for America. If this will help astronauts and space stuff, then I will take that hit. I am a proud abstaining patriot. (Do you think the Hubs bought that proud patriot thing at all?)
A fat face. NASA warns that not being able to stand for any length of time can cause the person to retain water and get a little puffy - most noticeably in the face. What else is new? I'm always a little puffy and I can retain water like a pro, so that won't be anything new.
Bedsores. I'm assuming there is someone on staff who flips me on a regular basis. These people are rocket scientists, after all.
Going number one and number two in bed. When they say you can't get out of bed, they mean for ANYTHING. So, I would probably have to pee and poop in a bag. While this doesn't sound terrifically pleasant, I still figure, so what? I'm not the one who has to clean that up!
If these are the worst side effects, then sign me up, because you want to know the effects of staying in bed for 70 days, NASA? One well-rested mama. I guarantee I would emerge from that test looking younger, happier, more refreshed - and let's face it, a little hornier - than I've looked in years. You're welcome, America.
Who would join me in bed for 70 days?
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
Well, I'm here to help. Remember a couple of weeks ago when I told the pregnant ladies how to make a little more dough on the side? This time I have a tip for the rest of you. In fact, the pregnant ladies can't even apply for this job. Sorry, preggos, just go pee on some more sticks and sell them to jokesters around the world. You'll feel better.
The money making opportunity that I've found for you is a part time gig. Your new employer would need you for 70 days and in return you would earn $10,000. Also, you can add NASA to your resume when you're done with this one. Hello, Smarty Pants!
Sounds good, right?
Yup. NASA is looking for a few good men and women to test the effects of microgravity. Don't worry. I know it sounds all science-y, but you leave that part to the actual NASA scientists. You just need to stay in bed for the entire 70 days.
Now, when the Hubs told me about this job last night, I was all, "Wait. I get to stay in bed for 70 days AND they pay me? Sign. Me. Up."
He thought I was nuts. "That sounds terrible," he said. "That's why they're paying so much."
"Being paid would be a bonus. I would do that job for free," I replied.
That is my kind of job! I am easily one of the laziest people on the planet. Staying in bed for 70 days wouldn't even be that hard for me. I welcome the challenge. I would be happy to just try.
The only thing that would make this job better would be if NASA needed to know how full body massages affect microgravity too.
Sure, there might be some drawbacks:
Eating while in a prone position. Eh, I manage to do that most nights on my couch and it hasn't been a problem yet and bendy straws were made for sipping in a bed.
Reading on my back. Uhhh, OK, that's why several months ago I bought a Kindle in the first place - 'cause books are heavy, yo and that Kindle is so much easier to hold over my head when I'm too lazy to prop up on one arm to read. Just load up my Kindle and I'll see you in 70 days!
Not much privacy. Sooo no conjugal visits? You know what? This is for my country. People make sacrifices every day for America. If this will help astronauts and space stuff, then I will take that hit. I am a proud abstaining patriot. (Do you think the Hubs bought that proud patriot thing at all?)
A fat face. NASA warns that not being able to stand for any length of time can cause the person to retain water and get a little puffy - most noticeably in the face. What else is new? I'm always a little puffy and I can retain water like a pro, so that won't be anything new.
Bedsores. I'm assuming there is someone on staff who flips me on a regular basis. These people are rocket scientists, after all.
Going number one and number two in bed. When they say you can't get out of bed, they mean for ANYTHING. So, I would probably have to pee and poop in a bag. While this doesn't sound terrifically pleasant, I still figure, so what? I'm not the one who has to clean that up!
If these are the worst side effects, then sign me up, because you want to know the effects of staying in bed for 70 days, NASA? One well-rested mama. I guarantee I would emerge from that test looking younger, happier, more refreshed - and let's face it, a little hornier - than I've looked in years. You're welcome, America.
Who would join me in bed for 70 days?
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
September 23, 2013
The Hubs Goes Shopping
After 11 years of marriage you would think I would have learned by now that I must double check anything the Hubs buys online that he thinks is a super duper deal.
Don't get me wrong. A lot of the time, he's an amazing bargain hunter. He finds $90 sweaters for $12 and we can never eat out unless he has a buy one/get one free coupon or the restaurant has a dollar menu. HOWEVER. He has a hard time reading the small print. He focuses a lot on the "original" price vs. the "sale" price and the rest of the details go by the wayside.
Like when he bought speakers for our surround sound system. When they arrived, the Hubs was out of town. I opened the enormous boxes and was greeted by two four feet tall speakers.
"They're so big!" I complained to the Hubs on the phone.
"They're only supposed to be 48 inches," the Hubs said.
"Hubs, 48 inches is four feet!!!"
"Ohh. Riiight." Small print AND math are not his strong suits.
"Also. One is black and one is white."
"They are? Wait. Let me look at my receipt. Yeah, it says it down at the bottom really tiny that they were the only ones left and they were not the same color. Oops."
Cut to last week.
Both of my kids want high top sneakers. Apparently, the 80s are back and my kids are embracing the trends as much as their mother did. The Hubs found a super deal online for Puma high tops. He wanted to get them for their birthday. I really didn't care, because high tops don't hurt as much as a Lego when you step on them, so I was just glad we were moving into another stage. The Hubs showed the kids the shoes online (because he can't keep a surprise) and they were very excited.
For a week I've heard about these amazeball shoes. They're so cool. They're so rad. They were such an ah-may-zing deal. No one could score a deal like the one the Hubs did.
Yeah, yeah, Hubs, you're a tiny genius.
Then. Friday I checked our mail and we had the ittiest bittiest wittlest cutest box you've ever seen stuffed into our mailbox. The return address said Puma. "Hubs, did you guys buy extra shoe laces or something?" I asked, because that's all I could imagine would fit in that box.
"Oh crap," he said. "I think I made a mistake."
Yup. He sure did.
We opened the box and found Gomer's pair. They were sparkly and silver and purple and light blue and were size 4 - toddler. Gomer is eight.
No wonder they were such a good deal, Hubs! They're for a baby. Also, these are girl shoes.
"They didn't look so sparkly online!" both the Hubs and Gomer said. Uh huh. I think Gomer has been well-trained by his father.
Saturday came and once again we had a box from Puma in the mailbox. This one was a normal sized box. "Mine are right!" Adolpha exclaimed. It looked like she was right. Until I lifted up the box. It was so light I wasn't even sure toddler shoes were in there.
"New technology makes high tops very light now," the Hubs tried when I mentioned how light the box felt.
Uh huh. If you say so, Hubs.
Adolpha got a pair of totes adorb size 4 toddler high tops too. She is six.
We found one person in our house who can wear these shoes.
I don't care how good the deal was, no stuffed animal is going to wear nicer shoes than me!
Yeah, those are flowers swirled into the pattern too. Gomer would have looked precious in these.
Don't get me wrong. A lot of the time, he's an amazing bargain hunter. He finds $90 sweaters for $12 and we can never eat out unless he has a buy one/get one free coupon or the restaurant has a dollar menu. HOWEVER. He has a hard time reading the small print. He focuses a lot on the "original" price vs. the "sale" price and the rest of the details go by the wayside.
Like when he bought speakers for our surround sound system. When they arrived, the Hubs was out of town. I opened the enormous boxes and was greeted by two four feet tall speakers.
"They're so big!" I complained to the Hubs on the phone.
"They're only supposed to be 48 inches," the Hubs said.
"Hubs, 48 inches is four feet!!!"
"Ohh. Riiight." Small print AND math are not his strong suits.
"Also. One is black and one is white."
"They are? Wait. Let me look at my receipt. Yeah, it says it down at the bottom really tiny that they were the only ones left and they were not the same color. Oops."
Cut to last week.
Both of my kids want high top sneakers. Apparently, the 80s are back and my kids are embracing the trends as much as their mother did. The Hubs found a super deal online for Puma high tops. He wanted to get them for their birthday. I really didn't care, because high tops don't hurt as much as a Lego when you step on them, so I was just glad we were moving into another stage. The Hubs showed the kids the shoes online (because he can't keep a surprise) and they were very excited.
For a week I've heard about these amazeball shoes. They're so cool. They're so rad. They were such an ah-may-zing deal. No one could score a deal like the one the Hubs did.
Yeah, yeah, Hubs, you're a tiny genius.
Then. Friday I checked our mail and we had the ittiest bittiest wittlest cutest box you've ever seen stuffed into our mailbox. The return address said Puma. "Hubs, did you guys buy extra shoe laces or something?" I asked, because that's all I could imagine would fit in that box.
"Oh crap," he said. "I think I made a mistake."
Yup. He sure did.
We opened the box and found Gomer's pair. They were sparkly and silver and purple and light blue and were size 4 - toddler. Gomer is eight.
No wonder they were such a good deal, Hubs! They're for a baby. Also, these are girl shoes.
"They didn't look so sparkly online!" both the Hubs and Gomer said. Uh huh. I think Gomer has been well-trained by his father.
Saturday came and once again we had a box from Puma in the mailbox. This one was a normal sized box. "Mine are right!" Adolpha exclaimed. It looked like she was right. Until I lifted up the box. It was so light I wasn't even sure toddler shoes were in there.
"New technology makes high tops very light now," the Hubs tried when I mentioned how light the box felt.
Uh huh. If you say so, Hubs.
Adolpha got a pair of totes adorb size 4 toddler high tops too. She is six.
We found one person in our house who can wear these shoes.
I don't care how good the deal was, no stuffed animal is going to wear nicer shoes than me!
Yeah, those are flowers swirled into the pattern too. Gomer would have looked precious in these.
IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out
Last year I wrote a post called Friends Are Hard to Find. I mentioned that believe it or not, I have a little difficulty in finding people who have any desire to hang out with me. When I wrote it, I was talking about myself, but suddenly my inbox and comments section blew up with "Me too!"
It got me thinking. There were a lot of us who were feeling the same way. Wouldn't it be cool if we could get together and have a laugh? I decided to invent PIWTPITT's Friends Night. I figured if nothing else it would get some ladies out of the house and they could talk about how funny/insensitive/annoying/adorable/foul-mouthed/stupid I am.
Many, many women across the country stepped up and agreed to take charge of their local Friends Night. I planned the one for Kansas City, but I wasn't going to go.
It was a terrifying thought. Plus, I'd have to shower and find clean clothes to wear. That's a lot of work for strangers and I'd just downloaded a new book to my Kindle. I was busy, y'know?
And then the Hubs said, "Of course you're going. This is your idea. You're the one complaining you want a friend. All of these women are going because they feel the same way you do and now you're going to stay home and read all night?"
He brushed my hair and told me I was pretty and sent me on my way.
You know what happened?
He was right. I had fun. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to laugh and talk and just let loose.
This summer I started hearing from women who missed last year's night. "When are you planning one for this year, Jen?" and "I'd love to go if you have one in my town, Jen."
I was reading some of these emails in my "office" (AKA the bathroom) while my children pounded on the door demanding food and help with homework. It was like Divine Intervention. I realized what I needed to do.
Sure, I could use a few more friends, but what I really want now is to PEE ALONE.
I don't know if you're aware or not, but this spring I put together an anthology called I Just Want to Pee Alone . I pulled together 36 women from across the country to write some of the most hilarious stories about motherhood you'll ever read. The book quickly became a best seller. It resonated with moms everywhere. Any woman who reads that book can find at least one story that speaks to her. I didn't know many of the contributors when I asked them to join me in the book, but over the past several months, we have formed a community together. It showed me that women need a place where they can go to escape the day to day drudgery. We all need that. It doesn't matter if you're a mother or not - I've seen those pictures of pets pawing under your bathroom door.
So, I am declaring a new holiday. I Just Want to Pee Alone Day!!!
Mark your calendars, ladies, because October 16th is a day for you. This isn't like Mother's Day where you still have to go and see your own mother or do the dishes after your husband "cooks" for you or wear a lovely hand-crafted macaroni necklace all day. Nope. This day is all about doing what you want to do - guilt free!
To celebrate the First Annual I Just Want to Pee Alone Day (hereby called FAIJWTPAD) several of the contributors to the anthology and other blogger friends have come together to host National Ladies' Night Out (AKA #Peealonenight) in a city near you and they're inviting you to join them.
BOSTON - Hosted by JD of Honest Mom
Location:
TBD
CHAMPAIGN, IL - Hosted by Kerry of HouseTalkN
Location:
TBD
CHICAGO - Hosted by Karen Alpert of Baby Sideburns
Location:
Pinstripes
1150 Willow Rd.
Northbrook, IL 60062
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 7:30 PM
COLORADO - Hosted by Johi Kokjohn-Wagner of Confessions of a Cornfed Girl and Rachel Kargas of Get Real Mama
Location:
Ace Gillett's
239 S. College Ave.
Fort Collins, Colorado 80524
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM
CONNECTICUT - Hosted by Amy of Funny is Family
Location:
J Roo's Restaurant
249 State Street
North Haven, CT 06473
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM
HOUSTON - Hosted by Rachael Pavlik of RachRiot, Patti Ford of Insane In The Mom-Brain, and Kelley Nettles of Kelley's Breakroom
Location:
BlackFinn American Grille
1910 Bagby Street
Houston, TX 77002
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 6-10 PM
INDIANA/MICHIGAN - Hosted by Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree Ventures, Alyson of The Shitastrophy, and Noelle Elliot of Bow Chica Bow Mom
Location:
Uptown Kitchen
7225 Heritage Square Drive, Suite 208
Granger, IN 46530
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM
KANSAS CITY - Hosted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat and Stacey of Nurse Mommy Laughs
Location:
Barley's Brewhaus
11924 W. 119th St.
Overland Park, KS 66213
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM
MINNESOTA - Hosted by Michelle of You're My Favorite Today and Joy of Evil Joy Speaks
Location:
Jake's City Grille
3005 Harbor Lane North
Plymouth, MN 55447
Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 6-9 PM
NEW JERSEY - Hosted by Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying, Amy Bozza of My Real Life, Anna Sandler of Random Handprints, and Kim Forde of The Fordeville Diaries
Location:
End of Elm Restaurant & Lounge
140 Morris Street
Morristown, NJ 07960
Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 8-10 PM
PENNSYLVANIA - Hosted by Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year and Stephanie Giese of Binkies and Briefcases
Location:
Applebee's
Rt. 30, 2321 Lincoln Highway East
Lancaster, PA 17602
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6:30 PM
WEST VIRGINIA - Hosted by Teri of Snarkfest
Location:
Domestic
117 E. German Street
Shepherdstown, WV 25443
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 7-10 PM
THERE ARE LOTS MORE NOW. CHECK HERE TO SEE THE COMPLETE LIST.
I know the idea can sound a bit daunting, but I can guarantee you that it will be worth the effort it takes to leave the house. If the thought of going alone sounds awful, then bring your sister, your neighbor, your co-worker, or even your mom (you owe her a night to pee alone).
You can find all of the events listed above and more here: in the Events section on the I Just Want to Pee Alone Facebook page. We're adding more all the time, so keep checking in and be sure to RSVP so we know who is coming.
If there isn't one planned for a city near you, don't fret, because YOU can host. You don't have to be a blogger to host, it was just easier to ask my bloggy friends at first, because they looooove this sort of stuff.
It isn't hard. Just pick a location near you and a time on October 16th that works for you. It doesn't need to be fancy. Something casual tends to work best anyway. Once you've got the details figured out, send me an email at sweetsadiecreations@gmail.com and I will add your event to the page.
Look for a location near you and keep watching for new ones to be added. We hope to see you there!
It got me thinking. There were a lot of us who were feeling the same way. Wouldn't it be cool if we could get together and have a laugh? I decided to invent PIWTPITT's Friends Night. I figured if nothing else it would get some ladies out of the house and they could talk about how funny/insensitive/annoying/adorable/foul-mouthed/stupid I am.
Many, many women across the country stepped up and agreed to take charge of their local Friends Night. I planned the one for Kansas City, but I wasn't going to go.
It was a terrifying thought. Plus, I'd have to shower and find clean clothes to wear. That's a lot of work for strangers and I'd just downloaded a new book to my Kindle. I was busy, y'know?
And then the Hubs said, "Of course you're going. This is your idea. You're the one complaining you want a friend. All of these women are going because they feel the same way you do and now you're going to stay home and read all night?"
He brushed my hair and told me I was pretty and sent me on my way.
You know what happened?
He was right. I had fun. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to laugh and talk and just let loose.
This summer I started hearing from women who missed last year's night. "When are you planning one for this year, Jen?" and "I'd love to go if you have one in my town, Jen."
I was reading some of these emails in my "office" (AKA the bathroom) while my children pounded on the door demanding food and help with homework. It was like Divine Intervention. I realized what I needed to do.
Sure, I could use a few more friends, but what I really want now is to PEE ALONE.
I don't know if you're aware or not, but this spring I put together an anthology called I Just Want to Pee Alone . I pulled together 36 women from across the country to write some of the most hilarious stories about motherhood you'll ever read. The book quickly became a best seller. It resonated with moms everywhere. Any woman who reads that book can find at least one story that speaks to her. I didn't know many of the contributors when I asked them to join me in the book, but over the past several months, we have formed a community together. It showed me that women need a place where they can go to escape the day to day drudgery. We all need that. It doesn't matter if you're a mother or not - I've seen those pictures of pets pawing under your bathroom door.
So, I am declaring a new holiday. I Just Want to Pee Alone Day!!!
Mark your calendars, ladies, because October 16th is a day for you. This isn't like Mother's Day where you still have to go and see your own mother or do the dishes after your husband "cooks" for you or wear a lovely hand-crafted macaroni necklace all day. Nope. This day is all about doing what you want to do - guilt free!
To celebrate the First Annual I Just Want to Pee Alone Day (hereby called FAIJWTPAD) several of the contributors to the anthology and other blogger friends have come together to host National Ladies' Night Out (AKA #Peealonenight) in a city near you and they're inviting you to join them.
BOSTON - Hosted by JD of Honest Mom
Location:
TBD
CHAMPAIGN, IL - Hosted by Kerry of HouseTalkN
Location:
TBD
CHICAGO - Hosted by Karen Alpert of Baby Sideburns
Location:
Pinstripes
1150 Willow Rd.
Northbrook, IL 60062
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 7:30 PM
COLORADO - Hosted by Johi Kokjohn-Wagner of Confessions of a Cornfed Girl and Rachel Kargas of Get Real Mama
Location:
Ace Gillett's
239 S. College Ave.
Fort Collins, Colorado 80524
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM
CONNECTICUT - Hosted by Amy of Funny is Family
Location:
J Roo's Restaurant
249 State Street
North Haven, CT 06473
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM
HOUSTON - Hosted by Rachael Pavlik of RachRiot, Patti Ford of Insane In The Mom-Brain, and Kelley Nettles of Kelley's Breakroom
Location:
BlackFinn American Grille
1910 Bagby Street
Houston, TX 77002
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 6-10 PM
INDIANA/MICHIGAN - Hosted by Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree Ventures, Alyson of The Shitastrophy, and Noelle Elliot of Bow Chica Bow Mom
Location:
Uptown Kitchen
7225 Heritage Square Drive, Suite 208
Granger, IN 46530
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM
KANSAS CITY - Hosted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat and Stacey of Nurse Mommy Laughs
Location:
Barley's Brewhaus
11924 W. 119th St.
Overland Park, KS 66213
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM
MINNESOTA - Hosted by Michelle of You're My Favorite Today and Joy of Evil Joy Speaks
Location:
Jake's City Grille
3005 Harbor Lane North
Plymouth, MN 55447
Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 6-9 PM
NEW JERSEY - Hosted by Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying, Amy Bozza of My Real Life, Anna Sandler of Random Handprints, and Kim Forde of The Fordeville Diaries
Location:
End of Elm Restaurant & Lounge
140 Morris Street
Morristown, NJ 07960
Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 8-10 PM
PENNSYLVANIA - Hosted by Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year and Stephanie Giese of Binkies and Briefcases
Location:
Applebee's
Rt. 30, 2321 Lincoln Highway East
Lancaster, PA 17602
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6:30 PM
WEST VIRGINIA - Hosted by Teri of Snarkfest
Location:
Domestic
117 E. German Street
Shepherdstown, WV 25443
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 7-10 PM
THERE ARE LOTS MORE NOW. CHECK HERE TO SEE THE COMPLETE LIST.
I know the idea can sound a bit daunting, but I can guarantee you that it will be worth the effort it takes to leave the house. If the thought of going alone sounds awful, then bring your sister, your neighbor, your co-worker, or even your mom (you owe her a night to pee alone).
You can find all of the events listed above and more here: in the Events section on the I Just Want to Pee Alone Facebook page. We're adding more all the time, so keep checking in and be sure to RSVP so we know who is coming.
If there isn't one planned for a city near you, don't fret, because YOU can host. You don't have to be a blogger to host, it was just easier to ask my bloggy friends at first, because they looooove this sort of stuff.
It isn't hard. Just pick a location near you and a time on October 16th that works for you. It doesn't need to be fancy. Something casual tends to work best anyway. Once you've got the details figured out, send me an email at sweetsadiecreations@gmail.com and I will add your event to the page.
Look for a location near you and keep watching for new ones to be added. We hope to see you there!
September 22, 2013
Weekly Wrap Up 9.22.13
This week has been a busy one. I don't know why, but something possessed me to run for the PTO board and because those races are NEVER contested, I won by a landslide (thank you to the six people who voted in that election). Apparently, there's a lot to do when you're on the board and there are a bunch of meetings to attend. This week I've been learning more about fundraising, volunteer appreciation and carnival budgets than I'll ever need to know again in my life.
I've started leaving my house to speak to people. It's terrifying and fun all at the same time. I've got some upcoming dates set for the Kansas City area, so if you're around and you want to put some pants on and come out and see me, you can see all of the locations here. Thursday I will be at the Johnson County (KS) Library on Thursday, September 26th talking about blogging. Want to learn the secrets of blogging? Want to make millions and have fans who adore you? Want to make Tina Fey call and invite you to lunch all because of something you wrote? Yeah, me too. If you find out the answers to these questions, let me know, will ya? Otherwise, I can just teach you how to get started and make enough money to buy Starbucks for you AND a friend every now and again.
I've also planned the First Annual I Just Want to Pee Alone Day Ladies' Night Out. There are lots of cities participating and I'm always looking for new hostesses. You just need to pick a time and location and email me the details to add to the EVENTS page.
Tonight is the Emmy's and you know how much my Twitter pals and I enjoy making fun of whatever horrible ensemble Guiliana Rancic's team has put together for her. I really hope Riverboat Madam is still in style this awards season. I'll be tweeting tonight and you can join in by following #spikedpunch #emmys.
This Week's Most Popular Posts:
Is Nuts Better Than Balls? - My precious snowflake, Gomer, shocked me with the sentence, "So then I got kicked in the nuts" and it wasn't the fact that he got kicked that upset me so much.
Friends are Hard to Find - This is the post that inspired me to host a nationwide ladies' night out last year.
IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out - I've declared a new holiday: I Just Want to Pee Alone Day and to celebrate I'm organizing another nationwide ladies' night out. Check the EVENTS page on the I Just Want to Pee Alone Facebook page to see if there is one near you. If there isn't, then you should totally host one!
Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You - This one is total gossip and so worth a read.
My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):
I would've said this is an age-old question that really has no answer but by all the responses I see there are as many answers as there are words for nads (my favorite of the moment--I reserve the right to change my mind!) You gotta love the endless variety of the English language, not to mention other languages, as someone pointed out. This was hilarious. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?
We've always called them their "McNuggets". Sorry McDonald's, lol! on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?
I was one of the pro-nuts FB peeps. I have 3 boys and a man-child. Nothing is sacred. My house always smells like ass & dirty socks. Someone is always laughing about the fact that mommy has 'bewbees' and no nuts. Underwear is worn on the head instead of the ass, and going commando is expected on the weekend. All I ask is that they keep it in their pants. It's hard to breathe in all this testosterone. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?
My son was about the same age when he referred to being hit in the "nuts", "balls" was used as well but nuts was the favorite. One day my daughter, 2 years his junior, came in the house and said she got "hit in the nuts" while playing ball. After a good laugh my wife and I decided not to correct her. She was very happy having something in common with her big brother that she always has (and still does) looked up to (both are in college and share an apartment). She would find out soon enough the truth, no harm. And it was pretty cute. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?
I apologize now for laughing while I read this. Our boys are five and almost three. Their father has taught them to call their, er, privates "anaconda." Yes, anaconda. I dread when snakes are discussed at school. As for why mommy doesn't have an anaconda (yes, they have asked)? Daddy tells them I lost mine in a poker game. Nice. Our older son recently started exploring his nuts. When he asked what they were, I said "nuts." He looked at me and said "You're kidding!" No, no I'm not. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?
For a girl who love the f-bomb and doesn't even mind the c-word, I sure have a hard time hearing my kids say "butt" and "fart." Not because of the words themselves, but because it suggests my children are older. When they display their growing independence by wiping their own asses, it's awesome. When they do it by graduating from babyish terms for body parts and functions, it isn't. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?
Hmmm...I might come out, I'll check my schedule tomorrow :) Sounds fun and I would love to meet you, Jen! on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out
So excited! Last year it didn't really come together for me, but this year the meet up is less than 10 minutes away! How can I say no? Looking forward to it! on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out
So excited to be a part of this! And by so excited I mean scared shitless. But what's the worst thing that can happen? I have an awkward couple of hours. And what's the best thing that can happen? I make some awesome amazing friends for life and we grow old together and wipe each other's asses and shit. on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out
This. is. GLORIOUS. on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out
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September 17, 2013
Is Nuts Better Than Balls?
Remember a couple of weeks ago when I said I wasn't enjoying third grade? All because Gomer won't kiss me good bye and he only wants to wear swishy shorts, which are really the boys' equivalent of yoga pants.
Well, in case my heart wasn't already broken in two, he finished me off on Friday. My baby is no longer a baby.
We were driving in the car and we have some of our best conversations in the car and Friday's was no different. Gomer was prattling on about something he did on the playground and I was concentrating on my Candy Crush game (Relax! Hubs was driving!) so there was a lot of me going "Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh. Wow." And that's when Gomer said, "So then I got kicked in the nuts."
Wait. What did my precious baby boy just say? "What did you say, Gomer?" I asked, shutting off my phone, because it was time to parent, don't ya know.
"I got kicked."
"Yes. I heard that. But where did you get kicked?"
"In my nuts."
I gasped.
"Let it go," I heard the Hubs whisper.
"But ... he said ..."
"Shhh," the Hubs whispered again.
"He's eight. I hate third grade. Just a month ago he would have said he got kicked in his privates."
We drove in silence the rest of the way. Gomer wasn't sure what he'd done wrong exactly, but he could tell I wasn't happy.
When we got home the Hubs took me in our room. "Look, I know you're not thrilled with 'nuts', but what else do you want him to call them? If he says 'testicles' he'll get kicked in them again. I think 'balls' is a little more vulgar than 'nuts' and technically it's not his penis. That's a whole other area."
I know I'm a cusser. I know I get in trouble all the time for my potty mouth. But I really don't swear in front of my kids and I hated to see his sweet little mouth saying "Nuts." Ugh.
"What about 'groin'?" I tried.
"Eh. It's not terrific," the Hubs shrugged. "He'll get teased for that one."
That's when Adolpha walked in our room. She'd obviously been eavesdropping outside the door. "Can't Gomer just say he got kicked in his peanuts?" she asked.
That child is a genius. I still love that one. His peanuts. Perfect.
"Yes! His peanuts!" I said.
"He's not a preschooler," the Hubs scoffed. "If you try making him say 'peanuts' I'll teach him 'nards'."
"You would!"
"What's so bad about 'nuts'?" the Hubs asked.
"Well, I feel like it's a bad word."
"Nuts? Nah. Let Facebook decide."
And so that's what I did. When in doubt, I let Facebook help me parent. I asked:
OK, is "nuts" an appropriate word for an 8 year old to use? As in, "I got kicked in the nuts today." I realize I'm a cusser, but I cringed when I heard this today. The Hubs says it's fine.
The overall feeling was that "nuts" is the lesser of the testicle names and not nearly as offensive as:
balls
nards
nads
scrote
nutsack
ballsack
gonads
A few less vulgar alternatives were offered:
stones
crotch
junk
scrotum
tenders
jewels
dangly bits
coconuts (for the more confident boy who thinks "peanuts" doesn't quite fit the bill)
Thank you Facebook followers for your sage and helpful advice. Also, there was a lot of concern about who exactly kicked Gomer in his nuts. It was basically self-inflicted as he ran into someone's foot. And he's my bright kid!
We decided that Gomer can say "nuts" but not in front of me or any elder woman of our family. I think my grandmothers would pass out if they heard Gomer say that. I'm still working on "peanuts," but no one likes that one except for me and Adolpha.
I'm feeling a bit better but, the day that Adolpha calls her lady bits a "pink taco" will be the day I die.
Have you put October 16th on the calendar yet? What are you waiting for? Do it now before you forget.
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
Well, in case my heart wasn't already broken in two, he finished me off on Friday. My baby is no longer a baby.
We were driving in the car and we have some of our best conversations in the car and Friday's was no different. Gomer was prattling on about something he did on the playground and I was concentrating on my Candy Crush game (Relax! Hubs was driving!) so there was a lot of me going "Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh. Wow." And that's when Gomer said, "So then I got kicked in the nuts."
Wait. What did my precious baby boy just say? "What did you say, Gomer?" I asked, shutting off my phone, because it was time to parent, don't ya know.
"I got kicked."
"Yes. I heard that. But where did you get kicked?"
"In my nuts."
I gasped.
"Let it go," I heard the Hubs whisper.
"But ... he said ..."
"Shhh," the Hubs whispered again.
"He's eight. I hate third grade. Just a month ago he would have said he got kicked in his privates."
We drove in silence the rest of the way. Gomer wasn't sure what he'd done wrong exactly, but he could tell I wasn't happy.
When we got home the Hubs took me in our room. "Look, I know you're not thrilled with 'nuts', but what else do you want him to call them? If he says 'testicles' he'll get kicked in them again. I think 'balls' is a little more vulgar than 'nuts' and technically it's not his penis. That's a whole other area."
I know I'm a cusser. I know I get in trouble all the time for my potty mouth. But I really don't swear in front of my kids and I hated to see his sweet little mouth saying "Nuts." Ugh.
"What about 'groin'?" I tried.
"Eh. It's not terrific," the Hubs shrugged. "He'll get teased for that one."
That's when Adolpha walked in our room. She'd obviously been eavesdropping outside the door. "Can't Gomer just say he got kicked in his peanuts?" she asked.
That child is a genius. I still love that one. His peanuts. Perfect.
"Yes! His peanuts!" I said.
"He's not a preschooler," the Hubs scoffed. "If you try making him say 'peanuts' I'll teach him 'nards'."
"You would!"
"What's so bad about 'nuts'?" the Hubs asked.
"Well, I feel like it's a bad word."
"Nuts? Nah. Let Facebook decide."
And so that's what I did. When in doubt, I let Facebook help me parent. I asked:
OK, is "nuts" an appropriate word for an 8 year old to use? As in, "I got kicked in the nuts today." I realize I'm a cusser, but I cringed when I heard this today. The Hubs says it's fine.
The overall feeling was that "nuts" is the lesser of the testicle names and not nearly as offensive as:
balls
nards
nads
scrote
nutsack
ballsack
gonads
A few less vulgar alternatives were offered:
stones
crotch
junk
scrotum
tenders
jewels
dangly bits
coconuts (for the more confident boy who thinks "peanuts" doesn't quite fit the bill)
Thank you Facebook followers for your sage and helpful advice. Also, there was a lot of concern about who exactly kicked Gomer in his nuts. It was basically self-inflicted as he ran into someone's foot. And he's my bright kid!
We decided that Gomer can say "nuts" but not in front of me or any elder woman of our family. I think my grandmothers would pass out if they heard Gomer say that. I'm still working on "peanuts," but no one likes that one except for me and Adolpha.
I'm feeling a bit better but, the day that Adolpha calls her lady bits a "pink taco" will be the day I die.
Have you put October 16th on the calendar yet? What are you waiting for? Do it now before you forget.
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
September 16, 2013
IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out
Last year I wrote a post called Friends Are Hard to Find. I mentioned that believe it or not, I have a little difficulty in finding people who have any desire to hang out with me. When I wrote it, I was talking about myself, but suddenly my inbox and comments section blew up with "Me too!"
It got me thinking. There were a lot of us who were feeling the same way. Wouldn't it be cool if we could get together and have a laugh? I decided to invent PIWTPITT's Friends Night. I figured if nothing else it would get some ladies out of the house and they could talk about how funny/insensitive/annoying/adorable/foul-mouthed/stupid I am.
Many, many women across the country stepped up and agreed to take charge of their local Friends Night. I planned the one for Kansas City, but I wasn't going to go.
It was a terrifying thought. Plus, I'd have to shower and find clean clothes to wear. That's a lot of work for strangers and I'd just downloaded a new book to my Kindle. I was busy, y'know?
And then the Hubs said, "Of course you're going. This is your idea. You're the one complaining you want a friend. All of these women are going because they feel the same way you do and now you're going to stay home and read all night?"
He brushed my hair and told me I was pretty and sent me on my way.
You know what happened?
He was right. I had fun. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to laugh and talk and just let loose.
This summer I started hearing from women who missed last year's night. "When are you planning one for this year, Jen?" and "I'd love to go if you have one in my town, Jen."
I was reading some of these emails in my "office" (AKA the bathroom) while my children pounded on the door demanding food and help with homework. It was like Divine Intervention. I realized what I needed to do.
Sure, I could use a few more friends, but what I really want now is to PEE ALONE.
I don't know if you're aware or not, but this spring I put together an anthology called I Just Want to Pee Alone . I pulled together 36 women from across the country to write some of the most hilarious stories about motherhood you'll ever read. The book quickly became a best seller. It resonated with moms everywhere. Any woman who reads that book can find at least one story that speaks to her. I didn't know many of the contributors when I asked them to join me in the book, but over the past several months, we have formed a community together. It showed me that women need a place where they can go to escape the day to day drudgery. We all need that. It doesn't matter if you're a mother or not - I've seen those pictures of pets pawing under your bathroom door.
So, I am declaring a new holiday. I Just Want to Pee Alone Day!!!
Mark your calendars, ladies, because October 16th is a day for you. This isn't like Mother's Day where you still have to go and see your own mother or do the dishes after your husband "cooks" for you or wear a lovely hand-crafted macaroni necklace all day. Nope. This day is all about doing what you want to do - guilt free!
To celebrate the First Annual I Just Want to Pee Alone Day (hereby called FAIJWTPAD) several of the contributors to the anthology and other blogger friends have come together to host National Ladies' Night Out (AKA #Peealonenight) in a city near you and they're inviting you to join them.
BOSTON - Hosted by JD of Honest Mom
Location:
TBD
CHAMPAIGN, IL - Hosted by Kerry of HouseTalkN
Location:
TBD
CHICAGO - Hosted by Karen Alpert of Baby Sideburns
Location:
Pinstripes
1150 Willow Rd.
Northbrook, IL 60062
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 7:30 PM
COLORADO - Hosted by Johi Kokjohn-Wagner of Confessions of a Cornfed Girl and Rachel Kargas of Get Real Mama
Location:
Ace Gillett's
239 S. College Ave.
Fort Collins, Colorado 80524
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM
CONNECTICUT - Hosted by Amy of Funny is Family
Location:
J Roo's Restaurant
249 State Street
North Haven, CT 06473
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM
HOUSTON - Hosted by Rachael Pavlik of RachRiot, Patti Ford of Insane In The Mom-Brain, and Kelley Nettles of Kelley's Breakroom
Location:
BlackFinn American Grille
1910 Bagby Street
Houston, TX 77002
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 6-10 PM
INDIANA/MICHIGAN - Hosted by Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree Ventures, Alyson of The Shitastrophy, and Noelle Elliot of Bow Chica Bow Mom
Location:
Uptown Kitchen
7225 Heritage Square Drive, Suite 208
Granger, IN 46530
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM
KANSAS CITY - Hosted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat and Stacey of Nurse Mommy Laughs
Location:
Barley's Brewhaus
11924 W. 119th St.
Overland Park, KS 66213
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM
MINNESOTA - Hosted by Michelle of You're My Favorite Today and Joy of Evil Joy Speaks
Location:
Jake's City Grille
3005 Harbor Lane North
Plymouth, MN 55447
Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 6-9 PM
NEW JERSEY - Hosted by Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying, Amy Bozza of My Real Life, Anna Sandler of Random Handprints, and Kim Forde of The Fordeville Diaries
Location:
End of Elm Restaurant & Lounge
140 Morris Street
Morristown, NJ 07960
Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 8-10 PM
PENNSYLVANIA - Hosted by Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year and Stephanie Giese of Binkies and Briefcases
Location:
Applebee's
Rt. 30, 2321 Lincoln Highway East
Lancaster, PA 17602
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6:30 PM
WEST VIRGINIA - Hosted by Teri of Snarkfest
Location:
Domestic
117 E. German Street
Shepherdstown, WV 25443
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 7-10 PM
I know the idea can sound a bit daunting, but I can guarantee you that it will be worth the effort it takes to leave the house. If the thought of going alone sounds awful, then bring your sister, your neighbor, your co-worker, or even your mom (you owe her a night to pee alone).
You can find all of the events listed above and more here: in the Events section on the I Just Want to Pee Alone Facebook page. We're adding more all the time, so keep checking in and be sure to RSVP so we know who is coming.
If there isn't one planned for a city near you, don't fret, because YOU can host. You don't have to be a blogger to host, it was just easier to ask my bloggy friends at first, because they looooove this sort of stuff.
It isn't hard. Just pick a location near you and a time on October 16th that works for you. It doesn't need to be fancy. Something casual tends to work best anyway. Once you've got the details figured out, send me an email at sweetsadiecreations@gmail.com and I will add your event to the page.
Look for a location near you and keep watching for new ones to be added. We hope to see you there!
It got me thinking. There were a lot of us who were feeling the same way. Wouldn't it be cool if we could get together and have a laugh? I decided to invent PIWTPITT's Friends Night. I figured if nothing else it would get some ladies out of the house and they could talk about how funny/insensitive/annoying/adorable/foul-mouthed/stupid I am.
Many, many women across the country stepped up and agreed to take charge of their local Friends Night. I planned the one for Kansas City, but I wasn't going to go.
It was a terrifying thought. Plus, I'd have to shower and find clean clothes to wear. That's a lot of work for strangers and I'd just downloaded a new book to my Kindle. I was busy, y'know?
And then the Hubs said, "Of course you're going. This is your idea. You're the one complaining you want a friend. All of these women are going because they feel the same way you do and now you're going to stay home and read all night?"
He brushed my hair and told me I was pretty and sent me on my way.
You know what happened?
He was right. I had fun. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to laugh and talk and just let loose.
This summer I started hearing from women who missed last year's night. "When are you planning one for this year, Jen?" and "I'd love to go if you have one in my town, Jen."
I was reading some of these emails in my "office" (AKA the bathroom) while my children pounded on the door demanding food and help with homework. It was like Divine Intervention. I realized what I needed to do.
Sure, I could use a few more friends, but what I really want now is to PEE ALONE.
I don't know if you're aware or not, but this spring I put together an anthology called I Just Want to Pee Alone . I pulled together 36 women from across the country to write some of the most hilarious stories about motherhood you'll ever read. The book quickly became a best seller. It resonated with moms everywhere. Any woman who reads that book can find at least one story that speaks to her. I didn't know many of the contributors when I asked them to join me in the book, but over the past several months, we have formed a community together. It showed me that women need a place where they can go to escape the day to day drudgery. We all need that. It doesn't matter if you're a mother or not - I've seen those pictures of pets pawing under your bathroom door.
So, I am declaring a new holiday. I Just Want to Pee Alone Day!!!
Mark your calendars, ladies, because October 16th is a day for you. This isn't like Mother's Day where you still have to go and see your own mother or do the dishes after your husband "cooks" for you or wear a lovely hand-crafted macaroni necklace all day. Nope. This day is all about doing what you want to do - guilt free!
To celebrate the First Annual I Just Want to Pee Alone Day (hereby called FAIJWTPAD) several of the contributors to the anthology and other blogger friends have come together to host National Ladies' Night Out (AKA #Peealonenight) in a city near you and they're inviting you to join them.
BOSTON - Hosted by JD of Honest Mom
Location:
TBD
CHAMPAIGN, IL - Hosted by Kerry of HouseTalkN
Location:
TBD
CHICAGO - Hosted by Karen Alpert of Baby Sideburns
Location:
Pinstripes
1150 Willow Rd.
Northbrook, IL 60062
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 7:30 PM
COLORADO - Hosted by Johi Kokjohn-Wagner of Confessions of a Cornfed Girl and Rachel Kargas of Get Real Mama
Location:
Ace Gillett's
239 S. College Ave.
Fort Collins, Colorado 80524
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM
CONNECTICUT - Hosted by Amy of Funny is Family
Location:
J Roo's Restaurant
249 State Street
North Haven, CT 06473
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM
HOUSTON - Hosted by Rachael Pavlik of RachRiot, Patti Ford of Insane In The Mom-Brain, and Kelley Nettles of Kelley's Breakroom
Location:
BlackFinn American Grille
1910 Bagby Street
Houston, TX 77002
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 6-10 PM
INDIANA/MICHIGAN - Hosted by Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree Ventures, Alyson of The Shitastrophy, and Noelle Elliot of Bow Chica Bow Mom
Location:
Uptown Kitchen
7225 Heritage Square Drive, Suite 208
Granger, IN 46530
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM
KANSAS CITY - Hosted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat and Stacey of Nurse Mommy Laughs
Location:
Barley's Brewhaus
11924 W. 119th St.
Overland Park, KS 66213
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM
MINNESOTA - Hosted by Michelle of You're My Favorite Today and Joy of Evil Joy Speaks
Location:
Jake's City Grille
3005 Harbor Lane North
Plymouth, MN 55447
Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 6-9 PM
NEW JERSEY - Hosted by Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying, Amy Bozza of My Real Life, Anna Sandler of Random Handprints, and Kim Forde of The Fordeville Diaries
Location:
End of Elm Restaurant & Lounge
140 Morris Street
Morristown, NJ 07960
Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 8-10 PM
PENNSYLVANIA - Hosted by Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year and Stephanie Giese of Binkies and Briefcases
Location:
Applebee's
Rt. 30, 2321 Lincoln Highway East
Lancaster, PA 17602
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 6:30 PM
WEST VIRGINIA - Hosted by Teri of Snarkfest
Location:
Domestic
117 E. German Street
Shepherdstown, WV 25443
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 7-10 PM
I know the idea can sound a bit daunting, but I can guarantee you that it will be worth the effort it takes to leave the house. If the thought of going alone sounds awful, then bring your sister, your neighbor, your co-worker, or even your mom (you owe her a night to pee alone).
You can find all of the events listed above and more here: in the Events section on the I Just Want to Pee Alone Facebook page. We're adding more all the time, so keep checking in and be sure to RSVP so we know who is coming.
If there isn't one planned for a city near you, don't fret, because YOU can host. You don't have to be a blogger to host, it was just easier to ask my bloggy friends at first, because they looooove this sort of stuff.
It isn't hard. Just pick a location near you and a time on October 16th that works for you. It doesn't need to be fancy. Something casual tends to work best anyway. Once you've got the details figured out, send me an email at sweetsadiecreations@gmail.com and I will add your event to the page.
Look for a location near you and keep watching for new ones to be added. We hope to see you there!
September 15, 2013
Weekly Wrap Up 9.15.13
Well, it's been awhile since I've written a weekly wrap up and I thought it was time to get back in the habit. I was stupid busy this summer with writing and raising children. I'm too cheap to send the kids to camp all summer long, so instead I have to entertain them and there is only so much television they're willing to watch. You know you're failing at parenting when your kids start complaining that they've already seen this episode of "Full House" and they'd really just like to go to the pool and get some exercise or listen to you read them a book.
I managed to finish my manuscript for Random House a couple of weeks ago. Right around the same time the kids went back to school so now I have time to blog again (have you noticed?). I'm excited about the manuscript (and school). I think it's going to be a good book. I mean my mom really enjoyed it even though I made fun of her a lot in the book. I hope a few of you are saving your dollars so you can buy a copy for yourself and a friend, because your friends need to laugh too.
I've started leaving my house to speak to people. It's terrifying and fun all at the same time. I've got some upcoming dates set for the Kansas City area, so if you're around and you want to put some pants on and come out and see me, you can see all of the locations here. The next one will be at the Johnson County (KS) Library on Thursday, September 26th. OK, just kidding, pants are only a suggestion.
What else is going on that's exciting? Ohh, this isn't my news, but it's still super crazy exciting. Remember last week when I encouraged everyone who already didn't own Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves to go out and buy it? Well, if you did then you helped catapult one of my favorite writers, Robin O'Bryant straight onto the New York Times Bestseller's List. The NYT list is the freaking Holy Grail and Robin did it (with your help). Thanks to everyone who supported her. I'm so excited and thrilled for her. I just hope she's holding me a spot on that list. I'd prefer number one, but I'll take whatever I can get.
Alright, let's get to This Week's Most Popular Posts:
Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money - There's a disgusting trend among pregnant women with access to Craigslist. I'm just sad I'm not pregnant, because I could use some extra scratch.
BMI Grade Cards at School - Schools are sending home grade cards with kids to tell them that not only are they failing Math, they're also too fat all while serving something called "Fish Treasures."
Pet Amber Alert - This company annoys me and they should totally let me write their ads like the one I wrote for a missing cat at the bottom of the post.
We Can Do Better - Mrs. Hall, mother of three impressionable young boys, wrote a letter to the hootchies of the world who keep blinding her precious snowflakes with their fish lip photos. Poor Mrs. Hall got an earful from the world. I jumped in and gave her my two cents.
Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You - This one is total gossip and so worth a read.
My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):
"Have you seen me-ow?" Good Lawd, I died. on Pet Amber Alert
Hehe, my cat's name IS Batman BruceWayne Ourlastname. When he is being a mischievous asshat, I yell at him using his full name. I wonder what the neighbors think... on Pet Amber Alert
That is the best name ever. If I ever break down and get a pet, I will probably have to use this name. Or Professor Punch. It's a toss up.
So many awful things come from well-intentioned idiots. on BMI Grade Cards at School
Oh girl, you know my thoughts on this. This is a national epidemic. As soon as impoverished families can buy fresh produce and lean meats at the same price as a Happy Meal, we'll start moving in a positive direction. Obesity is not just a social problem, it's an economic development issue. Telling children they are overweight does not even scratch the surface here and no need to tell parents they "should" be giving their children healthier/lower fat options. They KNOW this but, people only have the food dollars they have. Also, in most communities, like mine, a VAST majority of the public school children are on free/reduced lunch. They are getting 2 of their meals there. Let's change the direction of the telescope... on BMI Grade Cards at School
We need to educate parents on what constitutes a healthy weight/BMI and what is proper portion size for a child. In my practice, I use the BMI to validate to parents whether a kid is overweight, a healthy weight, or underweight. I see a fair number of patients who come in because their parent tells me the kid doesn't eat...or thinks they are too thin. Most of the time, neither statement is true, it is the expectations of the parents that need to be addressed. Maybe the school could take a bigger role in managing childhood obesity by first stop serving crap like chicken nuggets and pizza for lunch; one of my patients, an overweight youngster who attends an after school program (at her school) told me they were being served pizzas and nachos for an afterschool snack! Seriously? I'm working with her and her mother to help control her weight. Her mom had me write a letter to the program telling them she could only eat her healthy snacks from home. on BMI Grade Cards at School
5 years ago, when I was preggo, a good friend asked me to pee on a stick for her, so she could play a birthday prank on her vasectomized husband. She changed her mind when he fell down the stairs and cracked his skull open, just from a clutz move. She didn't want to see what would happen if she showed him a positive pee stick. on Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money
Lol. I am what you consider an oversharer. I totally posted my pregnancy test and every ultrasound pic, and have since posted billions of pics of my kid that maybe nobody but me wants to see. But I don't care! :-) I tried for this baby girl for six years and dang it, I had to/ have to share! on Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money
We're all oversharers of some kind. You overshare your baby and overshare mine (the blog). What makes you and I better is that we can laugh at ourselves for being oversharers.
This regularly-attending, actively-involved chuch lady LOVES your blog. I'd love to have you speak at one of our women's events! Keep on bloggin'! on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.
You haven't said, "get your fucking backpack and get your ass in the car" not even one time? on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.
Not to the kids. Maybe to the Hubs ...
How I took Jen's reaction was not that she was mad that the Pearl-Clutcher was upset. It was that instead of speaking to her church members about her reservations or contacting Jen, she went on a website designed to re-sell a specific brand of clothing, posted a part of one blog, and she (and every commenter) based her entire opinion about Jen's speaking ability/appropriateness on that. on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.
Yes. That was my reaction exactly. Thanks for explaining.
"Always watching..." Like Roz from Monsters Inc. : ) on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.
I am more like Roz than I care to admit.
The content of your blog is offensive to church goers/church leadership. Why would you expect to be welcomed to speak? Sure, you can censor yourself and behave in public. But your private life doesn't match up to what the Bible teaches (not that anyone's does, but it's clear here that you aren't trying to watch your language). Churches want the real deal. They have enough problems with people accusing them of hypocrisy. Allowing you to speak would be endorsing language/thoughts they find sinful. It would be more hypocritical to allow you to speak, imo. I'd give them a break on this issue. on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.
You're right, my private life doesn't match up with the Bible, but private lives matching the Bible hasn't stopped churches from opening their doors for years to worse offenders than me. Like tele-evangelists who steal from the offering plate or cheat on their wives. Or blame earthquakes on homosexuals. Or cover up sexual abuse for years. I'm the least of their worries when it comes to hypocrisy.
THANK YOU. Several friends posted this the other day and I was bothered by it but couldn't find the words. Once again, you found them for me, and they are way funnier than what I would have said. THANK YOU!!! on We Can Do Better
I agree somewhat and I get what Mrs. Hall is saying here but the whole...my boys are holier than thou so stop tempting them thing did make me roll my eyes. Come on, they are TEENAGE boys...they ogle girls in traffic for goodness sake and probably everywhere else. I'm all for monitoring online activity. I already do this with my son who is only 11. And I probably wouldn't be too happy about girls sending photos to my son. BUT I'm also a realist and I know this is going to happen at some point. All that I can do as his mother is prepare him for dating and falling in love and having feelings about girls. Sexuality is a normal, natural thing. However, you are correct that we need to teach young girls AND boys to have respect for themselves first and then for their chosen partners. I am trying my best to raise an honest gentleman who treats his future girlfriend(s) like a lady should be treated. on We Can Do Better
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said her post depicts her boys as being victimized. I agree that girls should not be posting skimpy, provocative pictures, but also some responsibility lies with boys in general & how they react to those & perceive all girls. Be respectful & don't respond to those kinds of posts (ie: delete them or block them). on We Can Do Better
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September 12, 2013
Pet Amber Alert
In one week I have received three annoying phone calls from the same organization. It's the Pet Amber Alert company.
Yes, I'm learning now that these things exist. So, when my neighbor's pooch runs away, I get an automated phone call telling me that "Rose Smith who lives on Main Street has lost her beagle. He's brown and white and answers to the name 'Tiger'." This message came in while I was away so it went to the answering machine. I swear it was over three minutes long of detailed information regarding helpful tips for the identification and trapping of Tiger so that I could return him to Rose. There were ideas of treats he prefers and how best to approach him. Ack!!
This was the second call in a week. When I received the first one, I thought it was just strange and chalked it up as a prank call or something random. I didn't think much of it until yesterday when I got the call about Tiger. Then that night, as we were sitting down to dinner, the phone started ringing again. I answered and was greeted by an automated voice telling me that this was another Pet Amber Alert and I swear to God I think he said, it was a "tortoise" that was missing this time. I couldn't hear for sure, because that's when I started yelling:
"Oh hell no! Stop calling me," I screamed into the phone and slammed it down. I know no one hears me yelling except my own family, but it made me feel better.
I am inundated on a daily basis with robo calls and I am irritated beyond belief with ALL of them. My congressman won't stop calling me (I didn't vote for you, asshole, take me off your list.), some shady sounding mortgage company who is offering me a "one time" only chance to refinance (If it is really a "one time" offer then why are you calling me twice a day?), and non-profits who will have donation trucks "in my area" on Monday (Half the time they say they're coming and I put my stuff on the curb, then they never show up. Ugh.).
I can not add another robo spam call to the mix. I just can't. Especially when it's about a missing pet. Look, I'm sorry that Tiger is missing and that sucks and you must be very upset, but you can't pay some asshole company 60 bucks to spam me with details about your dog. I will hang up every time. I will never listen to that message. That's absolute bullshit. Make a flyer and post that shit on a pole somewhere.
Also, you can't call it an "Amber Alert." That is a name that is reserved for missing kids. You can't take that name and just add "pet" to it and think that's OK. An Amber Alert is serious business and yes, I know pet owners think their missing pets are serious, but not as serious as a missing kid. You just can't compare the two. I've ranted on this before and I've heard that I'm a heartless asshole and it still hasn't changed my opinion. Your missing dog is not as important as a missing kid. Period.
I know all about the Do Not Call List and I'm on it. However, all of these organizations (including the damn Amber Pet Alert) are exempt and get to call me. In fact, Pet Amber Alert's site indicates they can call me four times within an hour!!
When I mentioned these calls to some friends, one commented that she's seen a flyer in her neighborhood for a missing cat. The flyer says "His name is Batman, but he answers to Bruce." Now, that's a robo call I'd actually like to hear. I imagine it would go something like this:
Have you seen me-ow?
Hi, This is Jen from Pet Amber Alert. Your neighbor Sam on Spruce Street is missing his cat. He is a tabby with white paws and kind eyes. His name is Batman, but he answers to Bruce. Sam last saw Batman downtown at the ASPCA gala event. Batman was wearing a tiny tuxedo and he was accompanied by his girlfriend, Catwoman, who answers to Laverne. Laverne is also missing, but her owner did not purchase an alert, so no description of her will be given here. Sam is uncertain as to where Batman could be. He believes that Batman is still downtown somewhere fighting crime and has perhaps lost his way back home to the mansion maybe due to a head injury. Some friends of Laverne have been floating the idea that the two cats have run off together to start a new life, but Sam is adamant that Batman would not leave without saying goodbye. If you see Batman do not try and catch him. He is a lethal killer and will most likely injure anyone who tries to nab him. He is a smart cat, but he cannot resist a damsel in distress or a bank robbery. He would most likely investigate either of these crimes and then he can be captured carefully. Sam suggests luring Batman into a cage using a fake penguin on a string while making purring sounds at the same time and saying quietly, "There, there, Batman. It's OK, The commissioner sent me."
Yes, I'm learning now that these things exist. So, when my neighbor's pooch runs away, I get an automated phone call telling me that "Rose Smith who lives on Main Street has lost her beagle. He's brown and white and answers to the name 'Tiger'." This message came in while I was away so it went to the answering machine. I swear it was over three minutes long of detailed information regarding helpful tips for the identification and trapping of Tiger so that I could return him to Rose. There were ideas of treats he prefers and how best to approach him. Ack!!
This was the second call in a week. When I received the first one, I thought it was just strange and chalked it up as a prank call or something random. I didn't think much of it until yesterday when I got the call about Tiger. Then that night, as we were sitting down to dinner, the phone started ringing again. I answered and was greeted by an automated voice telling me that this was another Pet Amber Alert and I swear to God I think he said, it was a "tortoise" that was missing this time. I couldn't hear for sure, because that's when I started yelling:
"Oh hell no! Stop calling me," I screamed into the phone and slammed it down. I know no one hears me yelling except my own family, but it made me feel better.
I am inundated on a daily basis with robo calls and I am irritated beyond belief with ALL of them. My congressman won't stop calling me (I didn't vote for you, asshole, take me off your list.), some shady sounding mortgage company who is offering me a "one time" only chance to refinance (If it is really a "one time" offer then why are you calling me twice a day?), and non-profits who will have donation trucks "in my area" on Monday (Half the time they say they're coming and I put my stuff on the curb, then they never show up. Ugh.).
I can not add another robo spam call to the mix. I just can't. Especially when it's about a missing pet. Look, I'm sorry that Tiger is missing and that sucks and you must be very upset, but you can't pay some asshole company 60 bucks to spam me with details about your dog. I will hang up every time. I will never listen to that message. That's absolute bullshit. Make a flyer and post that shit on a pole somewhere.
Also, you can't call it an "Amber Alert." That is a name that is reserved for missing kids. You can't take that name and just add "pet" to it and think that's OK. An Amber Alert is serious business and yes, I know pet owners think their missing pets are serious, but not as serious as a missing kid. You just can't compare the two. I've ranted on this before and I've heard that I'm a heartless asshole and it still hasn't changed my opinion. Your missing dog is not as important as a missing kid. Period.
I know all about the Do Not Call List and I'm on it. However, all of these organizations (including the damn Amber Pet Alert) are exempt and get to call me. In fact, Pet Amber Alert's site indicates they can call me four times within an hour!!
When I mentioned these calls to some friends, one commented that she's seen a flyer in her neighborhood for a missing cat. The flyer says "His name is Batman, but he answers to Bruce." Now, that's a robo call I'd actually like to hear. I imagine it would go something like this:
Have you seen me-ow?
Hi, This is Jen from Pet Amber Alert. Your neighbor Sam on Spruce Street is missing his cat. He is a tabby with white paws and kind eyes. His name is Batman, but he answers to Bruce. Sam last saw Batman downtown at the ASPCA gala event. Batman was wearing a tiny tuxedo and he was accompanied by his girlfriend, Catwoman, who answers to Laverne. Laverne is also missing, but her owner did not purchase an alert, so no description of her will be given here. Sam is uncertain as to where Batman could be. He believes that Batman is still downtown somewhere fighting crime and has perhaps lost his way back home to the mansion maybe due to a head injury. Some friends of Laverne have been floating the idea that the two cats have run off together to start a new life, but Sam is adamant that Batman would not leave without saying goodbye. If you see Batman do not try and catch him. He is a lethal killer and will most likely injure anyone who tries to nab him. He is a smart cat, but he cannot resist a damsel in distress or a bank robbery. He would most likely investigate either of these crimes and then he can be captured carefully. Sam suggests luring Batman into a cage using a fake penguin on a string while making purring sounds at the same time and saying quietly, "There, there, Batman. It's OK, The commissioner sent me."
September 10, 2013
BMI Grade Cards at School
Today I read about something that made me feel sick to my stomach.
Besides grade cards telling you how your child is doing in reading and math, now schools would like to send home a BMI grade card too.
Do you know what BMI is? It's short for Body Mass Index, a measure for body shapes based on your weight and height. This BMI report card is to let you know if your child is a healthy weight or overweight.
Can you imagine if you got one of these when you were a kid? Mine would have been covered in chocolately finger prints because I had to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's just so I could deal with the utter shame.
It was embarrassing enough in school when I could never climb to the top of that stupid rope in gym class while my jackhole gym teacher in his awful stretchy "coach" shorts yelled at me to "Dig!" I felt fat and sluggish enough, thank you very much. I don't know what I would have done if I had to have my BMI calculated in front of my peers. The thought of it gives me the shakes.
Receiving one of these grade cards would have done nothing to help me lose weight. I joke about the Ben & Jerry's, but that's not far from the truth. I'm a sad eater. I eat when I feel lonely, sad, stupid, etc. Getting a grade card telling me that I'm an overweight little sloth would have been all I needed to down an entire bag of Lay's. A grade card like that would have sent me over the edge and as a preteen and teen, I was pretty damn close to the edge. The last thing I needed was another piece of paper telling me how disgusting I was. Because that's how I felt. I didn't need the school to tell me that.
I've got two kids who are both solidly built. Neither of them is fat or even close to obese. They are both high on the growth charts at the doctor's office, but well within the healthy range. They look around their classrooms and see their friends with their bony knees and their sharp elbows and their petite frames and ask me, "Mom, am I fat?"
They know how much they weigh and they compare their number with their friends and tell me, "Mom, I weigh five pounds more than Karsen! Am I fat?"
I have to explain to them that they are built differently. They are muscular and tall. Their pediatrician assures them they are healthy and that at this age everyone has different shapes and that's normal.
I do not want to give them another number to obsess over. I do not want them to start worrying about their BMI and how it compares to others.
Yes, childhood obesity is a problem and it typically starts at home. HOWEVER this what our doctors are for. My doctor is our medical professional and he is the one whose advice I take in regards to my children's health. He is the one who I trust to tell me if my kids are healthy or not.
I don't need the school to police this one for me. I really don't think they're the right person for the job. Especially when they start cutting down on gym and recess and serving absolute shit on a shingle my kid. Here is just an example of this month's actual menu at my children's school:
Chicken Nuggets
French Toast Sticks with Sausage Patties
Country Breaded Steak
Beef & Cheese Nachos
Pepperoni Stuffed Sandwich
Fish Treasures
Now, there is always a "healthy" option of Uncrustable Sandwich with Pretzel Nugget & Dipping Yogurt or Yogurt & String Cheese with a Muffin. However, when my son is met with the choice of a chicken nugget of any kind or a yogurt and muffin, he will always choose the nugget. Plus, I'm not sure an "Uncrustable" or a muffin is much better than a nugget.
Schools: heal thyself.
I'm not saying my kid is going to enjoy eating kale and spinach salad, but we have some sort of chicken patty/nugget/stick product twice a week. If schools are so worried about kids' BMIs then maybe stop serving this crap. It's so bad that I limit the number of times each week my kids can buy.
Let me make a prediction. The more widespread this new grade card becomes, the more we'll see headlines freaking out about how the numbers of young children with anorexia and bulimia are on the rise.
And then what will the solution be for that?
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
Besides grade cards telling you how your child is doing in reading and math, now schools would like to send home a BMI grade card too.
Do you know what BMI is? It's short for Body Mass Index, a measure for body shapes based on your weight and height. This BMI report card is to let you know if your child is a healthy weight or overweight.
Can you imagine if you got one of these when you were a kid? Mine would have been covered in chocolately finger prints because I had to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's just so I could deal with the utter shame.
It was embarrassing enough in school when I could never climb to the top of that stupid rope in gym class while my jackhole gym teacher in his awful stretchy "coach" shorts yelled at me to "Dig!" I felt fat and sluggish enough, thank you very much. I don't know what I would have done if I had to have my BMI calculated in front of my peers. The thought of it gives me the shakes.
Receiving one of these grade cards would have done nothing to help me lose weight. I joke about the Ben & Jerry's, but that's not far from the truth. I'm a sad eater. I eat when I feel lonely, sad, stupid, etc. Getting a grade card telling me that I'm an overweight little sloth would have been all I needed to down an entire bag of Lay's. A grade card like that would have sent me over the edge and as a preteen and teen, I was pretty damn close to the edge. The last thing I needed was another piece of paper telling me how disgusting I was. Because that's how I felt. I didn't need the school to tell me that.
I've got two kids who are both solidly built. Neither of them is fat or even close to obese. They are both high on the growth charts at the doctor's office, but well within the healthy range. They look around their classrooms and see their friends with their bony knees and their sharp elbows and their petite frames and ask me, "Mom, am I fat?"
They know how much they weigh and they compare their number with their friends and tell me, "Mom, I weigh five pounds more than Karsen! Am I fat?"
I have to explain to them that they are built differently. They are muscular and tall. Their pediatrician assures them they are healthy and that at this age everyone has different shapes and that's normal.
I do not want to give them another number to obsess over. I do not want them to start worrying about their BMI and how it compares to others.
Yes, childhood obesity is a problem and it typically starts at home. HOWEVER this what our doctors are for. My doctor is our medical professional and he is the one whose advice I take in regards to my children's health. He is the one who I trust to tell me if my kids are healthy or not.
I don't need the school to police this one for me. I really don't think they're the right person for the job. Especially when they start cutting down on gym and recess and serving absolute shit on a shingle my kid. Here is just an example of this month's actual menu at my children's school:
Chicken Nuggets
French Toast Sticks with Sausage Patties
Country Breaded Steak
Beef & Cheese Nachos
Pepperoni Stuffed Sandwich
Fish Treasures
Now, there is always a "healthy" option of Uncrustable Sandwich with Pretzel Nugget & Dipping Yogurt or Yogurt & String Cheese with a Muffin. However, when my son is met with the choice of a chicken nugget of any kind or a yogurt and muffin, he will always choose the nugget. Plus, I'm not sure an "Uncrustable" or a muffin is much better than a nugget.
Schools: heal thyself.
I'm not saying my kid is going to enjoy eating kale and spinach salad, but we have some sort of chicken patty/nugget/stick product twice a week. If schools are so worried about kids' BMIs then maybe stop serving this crap. It's so bad that I limit the number of times each week my kids can buy.
Let me make a prediction. The more widespread this new grade card becomes, the more we'll see headlines freaking out about how the numbers of young children with anorexia and bulimia are on the rise.
And then what will the solution be for that?
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
BMI Grade Cards at School
Today I read about something that made me feel sick to my stomach.
Besides grade cards telling you how your child is doing in reading and math, now schools would like to send home a BMI grade card too.
Do you know what BMI is? It's short for Body Mass Index, a measure for body shapes based on your weight and height. This BMI report card is to let you know if your child is a healthy weight or overweight.
Can you imagine if you got one of these when you were a kid? Mine would have been covered in chocolately finger prints because I had to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's just so I could deal with the utter shame.
It was embarrassing enough in school when I could never climb to the top of that stupid rope in gym class while my jackhole gym teacher in his awful stretchy "coach" shorts yelled at me to "Dig!" I felt fat and sluggish enough, thank you very much. I don't know what I would have done if I had to have my BMI calculated in front of my peers. The thought of it gives me the shakes.
Receiving one of these grade cards would have done nothing to help me lose weight. I joke about the Ben & Jerry's, but that's not far from the truth. I'm a sad eater. I eat when I feel lonely, sad, stupid, etc. Getting a grade card telling me that I'm an overweight little sloth would have been all I needed to down an entire bag of Lay's. A grade card like that would have sent me over the edge and as a preteen and teen, I was pretty damn close to the edge. The last thing I needed was another piece of paper telling me how disgusting I was. Because that's how I felt. I didn't need the school to tell me that.
I've got two kids who are both solidly built. Neither of them is fat or even close to obese. They are both high on the growth charts at the doctor's office, but well within the healthy range. They look around their classrooms and see their friends with their bony knees and their sharp elbows and their petite frames and ask me, "Mom, am I fat?"
They know how much they weigh and they compare their number with their friends and tell me, "Mom, I weigh five pounds more than Karsen! Am I fat?"
I have to explain to them that they are built differently. They are muscular and tall. Their pediatrician assures them they are healthy and that at this age everyone has different shapes and that's normal.
I do not want to give them another number to obsess over. I do not want them to start worrying about their BMI and how it compares to others.
Yes, childhood obesity is a problem and it typically starts at home. HOWEVER this what our doctors are for. My doctor is our medical professional and he is the one whose advice I take in regards to my children's health. He is the one who I trust to tell me if my kids are healthy or not.
I don't need the school to police this one for me. I really don't think they're the right person for the job. Especially when they start cutting down on gym and recess and serving absolute shit on a shingle my kid. Here is just an example of this month's actual menu at my children's school:
Chicken Nuggets
French Toast Sticks with Sausage Patties
Country Breaded Steak
Beef & Cheese Nachos
Pepperoni Stuffed Sandwich
Fish Treasures
Now, there is always a "healthy" option of Uncrustable Sandwich with Pretzel Nugget & Dipping Yogurt or Yogurt & String Cheese with a Muffin. However, when my son is met with the choice of a chicken nugget of any kind or a yogurt and muffin, he will always choose the nugget. Plus, I'm not sure an "Uncrustable" or a muffin is much better than a nugget.
Schools: heal thyself.
I'm not saying my kid is going to enjoy eating kale and spinach salad, but we have some sort of chicken patty/nugget/stick product twice a week. If schools are so worried about kids' BMIs then maybe stop serving this crap. It's so bad that I limit the number of times each week my kids can buy.
Let me make a prediction. The more widespread this new grade card becomes, the more we'll see headlines freaking out about how the numbers of young children with anorexia and bulimia are on the rise.
And then what will the solution be for that?
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
Besides grade cards telling you how your child is doing in reading and math, now schools would like to send home a BMI grade card too.
Do you know what BMI is? It's short for Body Mass Index, a measure for body shapes based on your weight and height. This BMI report card is to let you know if your child is a healthy weight or overweight.
Can you imagine if you got one of these when you were a kid? Mine would have been covered in chocolately finger prints because I had to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's just so I could deal with the utter shame.
It was embarrassing enough in school when I could never climb to the top of that stupid rope in gym class while my jackhole gym teacher in his awful stretchy "coach" shorts yelled at me to "Dig!" I felt fat and sluggish enough, thank you very much. I don't know what I would have done if I had to have my BMI calculated in front of my peers. The thought of it gives me the shakes.
Receiving one of these grade cards would have done nothing to help me lose weight. I joke about the Ben & Jerry's, but that's not far from the truth. I'm a sad eater. I eat when I feel lonely, sad, stupid, etc. Getting a grade card telling me that I'm an overweight little sloth would have been all I needed to down an entire bag of Lay's. A grade card like that would have sent me over the edge and as a preteen and teen, I was pretty damn close to the edge. The last thing I needed was another piece of paper telling me how disgusting I was. Because that's how I felt. I didn't need the school to tell me that.
I've got two kids who are both solidly built. Neither of them is fat or even close to obese. They are both high on the growth charts at the doctor's office, but well within the healthy range. They look around their classrooms and see their friends with their bony knees and their sharp elbows and their petite frames and ask me, "Mom, am I fat?"
They know how much they weigh and they compare their number with their friends and tell me, "Mom, I weigh five pounds more than Karsen! Am I fat?"
I have to explain to them that they are built differently. They are muscular and tall. Their pediatrician assures them they are healthy and that at this age everyone has different shapes and that's normal.
I do not want to give them another number to obsess over. I do not want them to start worrying about their BMI and how it compares to others.
Yes, childhood obesity is a problem and it typically starts at home. HOWEVER this what our doctors are for. My doctor is our medical professional and he is the one whose advice I take in regards to my children's health. He is the one who I trust to tell me if my kids are healthy or not.
I don't need the school to police this one for me. I really don't think they're the right person for the job. Especially when they start cutting down on gym and recess and serving absolute shit on a shingle my kid. Here is just an example of this month's actual menu at my children's school:
Chicken Nuggets
French Toast Sticks with Sausage Patties
Country Breaded Steak
Beef & Cheese Nachos
Pepperoni Stuffed Sandwich
Fish Treasures
Now, there is always a "healthy" option of Uncrustable Sandwich with Pretzel Nugget & Dipping Yogurt or Yogurt & String Cheese with a Muffin. However, when my son is met with the choice of a chicken nugget of any kind or a yogurt and muffin, he will always choose the nugget. Plus, I'm not sure an "Uncrustable" or a muffin is much better than a nugget.
Schools: heal thyself.
I'm not saying my kid is going to enjoy eating kale and spinach salad, but we have some sort of chicken patty/nugget/stick product twice a week. If schools are so worried about kids' BMIs then maybe stop serving this crap. It's so bad that I limit the number of times each week my kids can buy.
Let me make a prediction. The more widespread this new grade card becomes, the more we'll see headlines freaking out about how the numbers of young children with anorexia and bulimia are on the rise.
And then what will the solution be for that?
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
