Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I said I wasn't enjoying third grade? All because Gomer won't kiss me good bye and he only wants to wear swishy shorts, which are really the boys' equivalent of yoga pants.



Well, in case my heart wasn't already broken in two, he finished me off on Friday. My baby is no longer a baby.



We were driving in the car and we have some of our best conversations in the car and Friday's was no different. Gomer was prattling on about something he did on the playground and I was concentrating on my Candy Crush game (Relax! Hubs was driving!) so there was a lot of me going "Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh. Wow." And that's when Gomer said, "So then I got kicked in the nuts."









Wait. What did my precious baby boy just say? "What did you say, Gomer?" I asked, shutting off my phone, because it was time to parent, don't ya know.


"I got kicked."



"Yes. I heard that. But where did you get kicked?"



"In my nuts."



I gasped.



"Let it go," I heard the Hubs whisper.



"But ... he said ..."



"Shhh," the Hubs whispered again.



"He's eight. I hate third grade. Just a month ago he would have said he got kicked in his privates."



We drove in silence the rest of the way. Gomer wasn't sure what he'd done wrong exactly, but he could tell I wasn't happy.



When we got home the Hubs took me in our room. "Look, I know you're not thrilled with 'nuts', but what else do you want him to call them? If he says 'testicles' he'll get kicked in them again. I think 'balls' is a little more vulgar than 'nuts' and technically it's not his penis. That's a whole other area."



I know I'm a cusser. I know I get in trouble all the time for my potty mouth. But I really don't swear in front of my kids and I hated to see his sweet little mouth saying "Nuts." Ugh.



"What about 'groin'?" I tried.



"Eh. It's not terrific," the Hubs shrugged. "He'll get teased for that one."



That's when Adolpha walked in our room. She'd obviously been eavesdropping outside the door. "Can't Gomer just say he got kicked in his peanuts?" she asked.



That child is a genius. I still love that one. His peanuts. Perfect.



"Yes! His peanuts!" I said.



"He's not a preschooler," the Hubs scoffed. "If you try making him say 'peanuts' I'll teach him 'nards'."



"You would!"



"What's so bad about 'nuts'?" the Hubs asked.



"Well, I feel like it's a bad word."



"Nuts? Nah. Let Facebook decide."



And so that's what I did. When in doubt, I let Facebook help me parent. I asked:



OK, is "nuts" an appropriate word for an 8 year old to use? As in, "I got kicked in the nuts today." I realize I'm a cusser, but I cringed when I heard this today. The Hubs says it's fine.



The overall feeling was that "nuts" is the lesser of the testicle names and not nearly as offensive as:



balls

nards

nads

scrote

nutsack

ballsack

gonads



A few less vulgar alternatives were offered:



stones

crotch

junk

scrotum

tenders

jewels

dangly bits

coconuts (for the more confident boy who thinks "peanuts" doesn't quite fit the bill)



Thank you Facebook followers for your sage and helpful advice. Also, there was a lot of concern about who exactly kicked Gomer in his nuts. It was basically self-inflicted as he ran into someone's foot. And he's my bright kid!



We decided that Gomer can say "nuts" but not in front of me or any elder woman of our family. I think my grandmothers would pass out if they heard Gomer say that. I'm still working on "peanuts," but no one likes that one except for me and Adolpha.



I'm feeling a bit better but, the day that Adolpha calls her lady bits a "pink taco" will be the day I die.



Have you put October 16th on the calendar yet? What are you waiting for? Do it now before you forget.



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