Jen Mann's Blog, page 42
December 10, 2012
Overachieving Moms are Ruining My Christmas
Last week I was interviewed on air by Christi Paul of Headline News. We had a nice chat about why I just don't think every single day needs to be magical and over the top. Headline News asked me to write an Op Ed piece, so I wrote "Overachieving Moms are Ruining My Christmas."
Photo: HLN
I don't know what it is
about the Christmas holidays that bring out the over achieving moms.
As soon as “Silver
Bells” starts playing on the radio that bar (made from a homemade
candy cane recipe they found on Pinterest, I'm sure) starts rising
and I am done trying to get over it. I'm quite happy languishing down
here sipping my instant hot cocoa and eating my store bought cookies
while buying presents online so I don't have to fight the crowds of
holiday shoppers mainlining Christmas Blend coffee and jacked up on
freaking holiday cheer.
Click to read the rest . . .
December 9, 2012
Weekly Wrap Up 12.9.12
Top Read Posts This Week:
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies (The Original) - Well, today is the one year anniversary of the publishing of my rant Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies so I'm very excited that it's the number one read post again this week (really, for the whole month). One year ago tonight a friend sent me the link to Blossom's 101 ideas and got me riled up. I sat down at my computer and fired off my tirade. When it was done, I pushed it out on my personal Facebook page (in those days I didn't have a blog FB page or a Twitter account) and my faithful 70 readers took a glance at it. I'm not sure who the first person was to share it, but someone did and within a week I was going viral around the internet.
A lot has changed since the day I went viral. I spent most of the day rocking in a corner because I never expected that many people to EVER read anything I wrote. I was also a bit upset, because I received quite a bit of hate mail, but for every email that said I was a bitch or that I was a terrible mother I received five emails telling me that I made someone feel better. I treasure those emails and I laugh at the others.
In one day I found 15,000 new readers to join me on Facebook and 1,000 on Twitter. I think today I'm near on Facebook and over 5,000 on Twitter. I've made my peace with Blossom and found out that she has a sense of humor (check out number 93 on her list).
This week the Elf and I had a good run again. I was featured on Huffington Post where they reposted the original rant and Headline News where they interviewed me on air and then published my Op Ed piece. I was also showcased on Elfshaming.com.
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Revisited - In anticipation of being interviewed on HuffPo and HLN, I reposted my original piece, but with a new pic this year. This year Choppy Elfie demanded a picture worthy of Pinterest instead of last year's snap. I'm guessing next year he'll want to be photographed in a wheat field at magic hour by a professional photographer.
Humble Brag Christmas Letters - I've received some great humble brag Christmas letters and I'm compiling the best excerpts for a post for Monday. I'm also working on my own humble brag letter for this week. There is a good one in my book, but I think I can do it one better.
Hypochondriac Hubs - The Hubs was sick and it reminded me of the time he contracted the Swine Flu from Patient Zero.
Making Memories the Punch Way - Christmas is in full swing around the Punch household and we are making memories that would make the OAMs cry - literally.
Book Update:
It's a Christmas Miracle!! Barnes & Noble finally has my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat available for NOOK.
I think that takes care of all formats now - except audio. Maybe next year.
I have two stores carrying the book now too! If you're near Blue Hydrangea in Wickford, RI or Ginger With Love in New Vernon, NJ stop in and pick up a copy or two.
I've been receiving lots of orders for personalized books for gifts. It takes between 2 and 9 days for books to ship so if you need a book for a gift, please order soon. Here are just a few of the people who will be receiving my book this year for the holidays:
Wives
Sisters
Mothers
Aunts
Cousins
BFFs
Bunco groups
Book clubs
Teachers
Hairstylists
People attending White Elephant Gift parties
Get your order in now so you can be sure to have it in time for the holidays. All of your book buying options can be found here.
Favorite Comment of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):
Just had to mention...my mom saw this post mentioned on HLN news the other morning. You're famous! Tina should be calling any day now. (If this was mentioned earlier I missed it because I was too lazy to read the other comments...sorry!) on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Revisited
I just hope Tina watches Headline News all the time during the middle of the day, because surely that interview convinced her we should be pals.
we're poor as shit with 3 kids and nowhere near as bitter as you dear writer...quit taking your cues from half baked sitcom parents and man the fuck up. on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
Can I just say that yes the lady writing the blog is crazy, but you are just unhappy and lazy (and writing a blog about it)! You are complaining about moving an elf to different shelves and spots in your house? Me and my wife work full time, have one elf, and move him daily while our kid is at school, or over night when he goes to sleep, It's called "time management". Yes your kids will grow up fine without an "elf on a shelf" but have some fun damn it!! Do u have no child left inside of you? Do you not get any enjoyment out of seeing how confused and happy your children get over the idea of there being a real elf in your house? All i'm saying is that you have way to much built up aggression and should be expressing it in other ways than being upset that some housewives that are wealthier than you have been spending all their free time making messes for themselves to clean up, blaming it on an elf, and bragging about it online. (also if you want a $400 Lego set for your kid, you need to save your money and not wait until your last paycheck) on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
I don't know what the deal is this year. Last year I heard from some pissed off mommies complaining that I was ruining the magic of the Elf. This year it's the douchey dads coming out in droves. Both of the above comments are from dads and they're just two of the many, many, many comments I've received from the men of the house. WTF? I think it's hilarious that you guys are calling me "bitter." Both of you took time out of your precious Elf mess-making day to sit down at your computer and read my blog and THEN compose your excellent, well written responses to me. Thanks so much for calling me lazy, asshole. Because, obviously you're right. If I don't care to make a mess with my Elf, then it MUST be because I'm lazy. (By that logic, I'm sure that in college you thought every girl who didn't want to fuck you was gay.) I run a full time successful real estate business, I write a popular blog and contribute to many others, I wrote a book this year, I volunteer in my kids' classrooms and I sit on the board for the PTO. What do you do? My guess is you go to your shitty 9 to 5 job every day with a lunch that your wife packed you, because you're far too busy to even pack your own fucking lunch. You come home and have a beer and watch TV and stage your Elf in some stupid, adorable pose every night. Well, good for you guys. You guys are the Dads of the Year. You should write a fucking book on what I can learn from your "time management" secrets. Oh, and by the way, did I ever say I couldn't AFFORD the $400 Lego? No, I just said I didn't want to buy it for my kid. Think about it, jackhole, I have a best selling book on Amazon and iTunes, I'm doing just fine, but thanks for your concern.
I posted a pic of mine tonight sitting on my DVR. I put "Oooooohhhh, Fred is ON the DVR!!" I got alot of likes. My cuz posted one that said "Even YOU could do this Dev" and her elf had made a snow angel in an ENTIRE BAG of sugar she had dumped on the counter!! I replied "GOOD LORD!! Is that real sugar?? Who in the hell is going to clean that up?? NO WAY!!" She didn't answer back, I think my cousins think I am a bitch. Also, happy ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of me stalking Jenn!! Woo Hoo! Here is to the next year, cheers babe! Devan on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Revisited
I cannot remember when I laughed so hard! You are right on and you write it so very well. Thanks for a wonderful set of belly laughs this morning. Next column -- Mommies who up the Advent Calendar ante. We've already "upgraded" from the crappy chocolate one to needing to fill a little box with some unexpected treat or treasure for 24 days, but yesterday my kid's friend says that they get to do a treasure hunt each morning because the advent calender only has the CLUES in it and then they get to do a hunt for the actual treat. Uh huh....cause when I'm already forgetting to fill the darn calendar each night (after moving the elf, of course), what I REALLY need to do is to add the extra step of a "finding clue" and find a place to hide the advent treats. Thanks alot Advent Escalation Mom! on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
This year I have been doing such a good job remembering to move my Elves, that I fogot to get out the Advent Calendars! Luckily Adolpha remembered and got out one and filled it with candy. We have a couple of Lego ones that haven't come out of the cupboard. Maybe next year I'll get it together and remember ALL of these "traditions" together.
First off, let me say that I just stumbled across your blog today and am already addicted to it. You are hilarious and I totally connect with so much or what you talk about. The funniest Humble Brag Letters I've ever seen come from my aunt and uncle and are actually not Humble Brags at all. They have 5 boys and each Christmas they send letters to select friends and family (those who can actually take a joke) detailing some of the low points of the year for each family member. Examples in the past have included statements such as "[Son 1] dropped out of college this year." or "[Son 2] broke up with [his on-again, off-again girlfriend] yet again after she was caught cheating on him for the second time." Things like that. It's hilarious and awesome and I really think helps them to have a light-hearted perspective on some of the not-so-great things that have happened throughout the year. on Humble Brag Christmas Letters
That is a letter I would like to get!
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies (The Original) - Well, today is the one year anniversary of the publishing of my rant Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies so I'm very excited that it's the number one read post again this week (really, for the whole month). One year ago tonight a friend sent me the link to Blossom's 101 ideas and got me riled up. I sat down at my computer and fired off my tirade. When it was done, I pushed it out on my personal Facebook page (in those days I didn't have a blog FB page or a Twitter account) and my faithful 70 readers took a glance at it. I'm not sure who the first person was to share it, but someone did and within a week I was going viral around the internet.
A lot has changed since the day I went viral. I spent most of the day rocking in a corner because I never expected that many people to EVER read anything I wrote. I was also a bit upset, because I received quite a bit of hate mail, but for every email that said I was a bitch or that I was a terrible mother I received five emails telling me that I made someone feel better. I treasure those emails and I laugh at the others.
In one day I found 15,000 new readers to join me on Facebook and 1,000 on Twitter. I think today I'm near on Facebook and over 5,000 on Twitter. I've made my peace with Blossom and found out that she has a sense of humor (check out number 93 on her list).
This week the Elf and I had a good run again. I was featured on Huffington Post where they reposted the original rant and Headline News where they interviewed me on air and then published my Op Ed piece. I was also showcased on Elfshaming.com.
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Revisited - In anticipation of being interviewed on HuffPo and HLN, I reposted my original piece, but with a new pic this year. This year Choppy Elfie demanded a picture worthy of Pinterest instead of last year's snap. I'm guessing next year he'll want to be photographed in a wheat field at magic hour by a professional photographer.
Humble Brag Christmas Letters - I've received some great humble brag Christmas letters and I'm compiling the best excerpts for a post for Monday. I'm also working on my own humble brag letter for this week. There is a good one in my book, but I think I can do it one better.
Hypochondriac Hubs - The Hubs was sick and it reminded me of the time he contracted the Swine Flu from Patient Zero.
Making Memories the Punch Way - Christmas is in full swing around the Punch household and we are making memories that would make the OAMs cry - literally.
Book Update:
It's a Christmas Miracle!! Barnes & Noble finally has my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat available for NOOK.
I think that takes care of all formats now - except audio. Maybe next year.
I have two stores carrying the book now too! If you're near Blue Hydrangea in Wickford, RI or Ginger With Love in New Vernon, NJ stop in and pick up a copy or two.
I've been receiving lots of orders for personalized books for gifts. It takes between 2 and 9 days for books to ship so if you need a book for a gift, please order soon. Here are just a few of the people who will be receiving my book this year for the holidays:
Wives
Sisters
Mothers
Aunts
Cousins
BFFs
Bunco groups
Book clubs
Teachers
Hairstylists
People attending White Elephant Gift parties
Get your order in now so you can be sure to have it in time for the holidays. All of your book buying options can be found here.
Favorite Comment of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):
Just had to mention...my mom saw this post mentioned on HLN news the other morning. You're famous! Tina should be calling any day now. (If this was mentioned earlier I missed it because I was too lazy to read the other comments...sorry!) on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Revisited
I just hope Tina watches Headline News all the time during the middle of the day, because surely that interview convinced her we should be pals.
we're poor as shit with 3 kids and nowhere near as bitter as you dear writer...quit taking your cues from half baked sitcom parents and man the fuck up. on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
Can I just say that yes the lady writing the blog is crazy, but you are just unhappy and lazy (and writing a blog about it)! You are complaining about moving an elf to different shelves and spots in your house? Me and my wife work full time, have one elf, and move him daily while our kid is at school, or over night when he goes to sleep, It's called "time management". Yes your kids will grow up fine without an "elf on a shelf" but have some fun damn it!! Do u have no child left inside of you? Do you not get any enjoyment out of seeing how confused and happy your children get over the idea of there being a real elf in your house? All i'm saying is that you have way to much built up aggression and should be expressing it in other ways than being upset that some housewives that are wealthier than you have been spending all their free time making messes for themselves to clean up, blaming it on an elf, and bragging about it online. (also if you want a $400 Lego set for your kid, you need to save your money and not wait until your last paycheck) on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
I don't know what the deal is this year. Last year I heard from some pissed off mommies complaining that I was ruining the magic of the Elf. This year it's the douchey dads coming out in droves. Both of the above comments are from dads and they're just two of the many, many, many comments I've received from the men of the house. WTF? I think it's hilarious that you guys are calling me "bitter." Both of you took time out of your precious Elf mess-making day to sit down at your computer and read my blog and THEN compose your excellent, well written responses to me. Thanks so much for calling me lazy, asshole. Because, obviously you're right. If I don't care to make a mess with my Elf, then it MUST be because I'm lazy. (By that logic, I'm sure that in college you thought every girl who didn't want to fuck you was gay.) I run a full time successful real estate business, I write a popular blog and contribute to many others, I wrote a book this year, I volunteer in my kids' classrooms and I sit on the board for the PTO. What do you do? My guess is you go to your shitty 9 to 5 job every day with a lunch that your wife packed you, because you're far too busy to even pack your own fucking lunch. You come home and have a beer and watch TV and stage your Elf in some stupid, adorable pose every night. Well, good for you guys. You guys are the Dads of the Year. You should write a fucking book on what I can learn from your "time management" secrets. Oh, and by the way, did I ever say I couldn't AFFORD the $400 Lego? No, I just said I didn't want to buy it for my kid. Think about it, jackhole, I have a best selling book on Amazon and iTunes, I'm doing just fine, but thanks for your concern.
I posted a pic of mine tonight sitting on my DVR. I put "Oooooohhhh, Fred is ON the DVR!!" I got alot of likes. My cuz posted one that said "Even YOU could do this Dev" and her elf had made a snow angel in an ENTIRE BAG of sugar she had dumped on the counter!! I replied "GOOD LORD!! Is that real sugar?? Who in the hell is going to clean that up?? NO WAY!!" She didn't answer back, I think my cousins think I am a bitch. Also, happy ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of me stalking Jenn!! Woo Hoo! Here is to the next year, cheers babe! Devan on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Revisited
I cannot remember when I laughed so hard! You are right on and you write it so very well. Thanks for a wonderful set of belly laughs this morning. Next column -- Mommies who up the Advent Calendar ante. We've already "upgraded" from the crappy chocolate one to needing to fill a little box with some unexpected treat or treasure for 24 days, but yesterday my kid's friend says that they get to do a treasure hunt each morning because the advent calender only has the CLUES in it and then they get to do a hunt for the actual treat. Uh huh....cause when I'm already forgetting to fill the darn calendar each night (after moving the elf, of course), what I REALLY need to do is to add the extra step of a "finding clue" and find a place to hide the advent treats. Thanks alot Advent Escalation Mom! on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
This year I have been doing such a good job remembering to move my Elves, that I fogot to get out the Advent Calendars! Luckily Adolpha remembered and got out one and filled it with candy. We have a couple of Lego ones that haven't come out of the cupboard. Maybe next year I'll get it together and remember ALL of these "traditions" together.
First off, let me say that I just stumbled across your blog today and am already addicted to it. You are hilarious and I totally connect with so much or what you talk about. The funniest Humble Brag Letters I've ever seen come from my aunt and uncle and are actually not Humble Brags at all. They have 5 boys and each Christmas they send letters to select friends and family (those who can actually take a joke) detailing some of the low points of the year for each family member. Examples in the past have included statements such as "[Son 1] dropped out of college this year." or "[Son 2] broke up with [his on-again, off-again girlfriend] yet again after she was caught cheating on him for the second time." Things like that. It's hilarious and awesome and I really think helps them to have a light-hearted perspective on some of the not-so-great things that have happened throughout the year. on Humble Brag Christmas Letters
That is a letter I would like to get!
December 7, 2012
Free Workout, Anyone?
Tuesday was work out day, but I wasn't with Kris that day. I was sitting in bed drinking my Theraflu and writing this.
Yup, the Hubs shared his creepy crud with me. The good news is I was early in the cycle of the illness and Theraflu is the elixir of the gods so I was back on my feet in less than 24 hours.
I didn't have a fever, so I wasn't delirious enough to go so far as to say I missed my work out. The thought of lifting anything heavier than my head off my of pillow sounded pretty bad. Kris had me do the Dirty 30 again the week before so I was just starting to get feeling back in my lower extremities on Tuesday and I didn't mind having a day off. My thighs thanked me for that little respite.
My sick day on Tuesday ensured that I got a good solid ass kicking on Thursday though. Ugh. Taking a day off was not the right thing to do. Today my thighs are cursing my name and begging for death. That's OK, though, since I'm down over 11 inches, my thighs can bitch all they want, because I'm not listening.
At my workout on Thursday, Kris shared some great news for anyone who lives in the KANSAS CITY area. Kris and Starting Line Fitness has started a new program just for you!!
She is looking to train people FOR FREE! Yeah. FREE. Not just anybody, but special clients that she picks. These will be clients that she can transform much like she's transforming me.
Are you at least 50 lbs over your healthy weight?
Are you motivated to lose inches and get stronger and have more energy?
Are you ready to work hard with Kris and let her transform you at a pace just for you?
What do you think? Does this sound like you? Does this sound like just what you need?
Then tell her all about yourself. Write Kris an email and let her know why she should pick you. Tell her your story and let her know who you are and maybe you'll be her next success story.
For me, this is the only way. I need Kris to motivate me every week and tell me exactly what to do and to encourage me and inspire me and make me laugh the whole time I'm working out - yeah, she's funny.
Maybe this isn't for you, but you know someone who could benefit from Kris' help. Please share the link!
One more thing. Today is the very last day to vote for me in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Book Author Moms. You'll never hear about this contest again . . . until next year. If you have 2 seconds and you like me even a little bit, please go vote for me. I'm resigned to second place, but if I get third I might kill myself.
Yup, the Hubs shared his creepy crud with me. The good news is I was early in the cycle of the illness and Theraflu is the elixir of the gods so I was back on my feet in less than 24 hours.
I didn't have a fever, so I wasn't delirious enough to go so far as to say I missed my work out. The thought of lifting anything heavier than my head off my of pillow sounded pretty bad. Kris had me do the Dirty 30 again the week before so I was just starting to get feeling back in my lower extremities on Tuesday and I didn't mind having a day off. My thighs thanked me for that little respite.
My sick day on Tuesday ensured that I got a good solid ass kicking on Thursday though. Ugh. Taking a day off was not the right thing to do. Today my thighs are cursing my name and begging for death. That's OK, though, since I'm down over 11 inches, my thighs can bitch all they want, because I'm not listening.
At my workout on Thursday, Kris shared some great news for anyone who lives in the KANSAS CITY area. Kris and Starting Line Fitness has started a new program just for you!!
She is looking to train people FOR FREE! Yeah. FREE. Not just anybody, but special clients that she picks. These will be clients that she can transform much like she's transforming me.
Are you at least 50 lbs over your healthy weight?
Are you motivated to lose inches and get stronger and have more energy?
Are you ready to work hard with Kris and let her transform you at a pace just for you?
What do you think? Does this sound like you? Does this sound like just what you need?
Then tell her all about yourself. Write Kris an email and let her know why she should pick you. Tell her your story and let her know who you are and maybe you'll be her next success story.
For me, this is the only way. I need Kris to motivate me every week and tell me exactly what to do and to encourage me and inspire me and make me laugh the whole time I'm working out - yeah, she's funny.
Maybe this isn't for you, but you know someone who could benefit from Kris' help. Please share the link!
One more thing. Today is the very last day to vote for me in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Book Author Moms. You'll never hear about this contest again . . . until next year. If you have 2 seconds and you like me even a little bit, please go vote for me. I'm resigned to second place, but if I get third I might kill myself.
December 4, 2012
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies Revisited
This post was originally published December 9, 2011. If you want to see the original click here.
By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf. Almost everyone I know has one. Some people even have two! (Now I'm having guilt for not having two, because apparently I need two because when my kids are adults they'll each want one from their childhood. Ugh. Not looking forward to that conversation with the Hubs when I tell him why we need another Elf.)
The Elf is a handy little thing to have. The little bastard keeps my children in check this time of year. When there is even a HINT of rebellion all I have to do is say, "Elf" and they snap back in line.
If he's so good, Jen, then why did you call him a bastard? you ask. I called him a bastard, because even though my children think he's magic, I'm the one doing all the "magic" and I totally suck at it. I forget to move him all the time and when I forget I have to spin even MORE lies than usual. ("No, Santa can't give you the $400 Lego Death Star. Even though he says he makes everything, he can't make Legos and he has to actually go and buy them and he can't spend that much money on you." or "Well, I don't know why he gave it to your friend last year for Christmas. I'm sure his mommy and daddy paid Santa to do that and we don't pay Santa." Thanks a lot, asshole parents who gave their kid the Death Star from Santa! As parents, let's all make a pact that any gift over $200 comes from grandma and grandpa rather than Santa, OK? It would make my life a lot easier.)
But back to our Elf. Our Elf has been a lazy SOB this year. He usually makes his first appearance Thanksgiving night (I get him out when I'm on my way out at 3 AM for Black Friday). This year we left town and I forgot. He waited until we came back and then he was ready join our family. Since then he's only gone away 4 maybe 5 times. We are always forgetting to move him. And it should not be difficult. I am literally moving him from the top shelf in my kitchen to the bottom shelf and back again. I'm such a loser that I can't even do that right.
I heard some over achieving moms talking one day about how they like to make their Elf do "naughty" things. What exactly does that mean? I asked. "Oh, you know, he bakes cookies in the night and leaves a huge mess for me to clean up in the morning." WTF??? "Yes, or one time last year, he took all the ornaments off our tree! Teeheeehee."
Teeheehee?!! Why in the world would I make my Elf do something like that? I'm the one who has to clean up his mess and redecorate my tree! All so my kid could ooh and ahh over the magic of the Elf for about 3 minutes until the next shiny object caught their eye? I decided these women were insane.
But then I started listening closer and realized they are not alone. There are entire blogs out there right now dedicated to naughty/fun Elf behavior. People like Danielle over at Blossom Bunkhouse. I read her blog and I got really pissed off. I should have known she'd irritate me when I read her perky-mom-who-loves-to-make-amazing-homemade-memories-with-her-kids-when-she's-not-secretly-downing-Valium-and-Vodka-so-she-can-be-so-damn-perky-and-fun title for her blog. (In case you haven't guessed, I'm proudly un-medicated and I have the mood swings to prove it.)
Blossom has 101 Fun Ideas to do with your Elf. ONE HUNDRED AND ONE. As a friend pointed out, there are only 25 days until Christmas - why 101?!!
I wanted to punch her as soon as I read her top 2:
1. Have a marshmallow fight (marshmallows everywhere).
2. Have a pillow fight (feathers everywhere).
OK, seriously? Does she have a clue how much a feather pillow costs? The hell I'm going to destroy it just so I can sweep it up again in the morning!
Or like I have time, desire or resources to make this red carpet entrance for a doll. I can barely get him out of the box and prop him up on the shelf. We haven't even read the book yet this year and she wants me to literally roll out a red carpet for him. When does she do laundry? When does she work? And most importantly, when does she sleep?
20. Make faces on school pictures with a marker.
I lecture my children constantly on appropriate materials to write on with markers. A photograph is not one of those things. It would take years to undo that damage if I did that. I'd have mustaches on every photograph in my home. "The Elf did it!"
24. Read a book.
Yeah, I tried that one on my own the other day (didn't even need Blossom's help to come up with that one). The Hubs didn't see him on the couch reading and he sat on him. Kids couldn't find him because he wasn't on his usual shelf. So much for trying to think outside the box...shelf.
32. Switch clothes from one closet to another.
And I do this when? 4 AM when everyone is asleep and I'm hauling dresses and jeans from one room to another? And we're assuming my children would even NOTICE I did this.
42. Take picture of child sleeping.
This is one I would do just to scare the snot out of them. I'd like to perch the Elf right on their sleeping heads and take a picture of that. I could probably whip that picture out in the summer when they're being bad and it would scare them enough to knock it off. I'll bookmark that one.
44. Knit a scarf or hat.
When I'm not trashing my house with feathers, flour or drawing on the walls I'll whip up a handmade hat, Psycho.
64. Learn multiplication facts.
Huh? Just set him on the table with flashcards? I guess I could do that, but it sounds as boring as my shelf.
80. Elf packs school lunches but mixes up everyone's lunches. (Each child receives sibling's lunch - great conversation piece at dinner.)
Or source of meltdown at school - you pick.
93. Sit on toilet OUTSIDE on front lawn - if you happen to have an extra toilet being stored.
WTF? Who has an "extra" toilet they can put in the yard? Either she's grasping at straws to get to 101 or she's white trash.
He's called The Elf on the Shelf, not the Elf who Skydives, Takes Bubble Baths and Shaves the Dog! Leave him on the shelf so the rest of us slackers don't look so bad. I think I'm just going to lay my Elf on his shelf, tape wires and hoses to him and tell my kids he's in a coma and hopefully he'll recover before Christmas. That should give me some flexibility.
This post has been read over 2 million times since it was first published in December 2011. Thank you to everyone who has ever read it, shared it, laughed at it, peed their pants, cried over it, told me I validated them and I even thank those who called me an asshole and an unfit mother. I am grateful to each and every one of you!
This essay is an excerpt from my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. If you liked this post, then you'll LOVE my book (click the link to buy now)!
Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Goodreads - I write good stuff all year round. You won't be disappointed. Check out my latest post here.
December 3, 2012
Humble Brag Christmas Letters
No, this isn't my mom's house, but this room would make her very happy.
It's that time of year again. No, I'm not talking about the Elf on the Shelf. Sure, he's everywhere, but let's try and forget about him for just a minute so I can focus on what I really like about this time of the year. I'm talking about reading Humble Brag Christmas Letters.
If you've read my book, then you know how much I loooooooove the Humble Brag Christmas Letters. I love to hear about Egbert's big Christmas bonus and Esmerelda's award winning herb garden and don't forget their borderline genius offspring! I'm dying to know if Jamison won the "Longest Drive Award" at the cluuub for the fifth year in a row and if Eleanor got a new SUV. I've been on pins and needles all year waiting to find out the results of the Tri-City Spelling Bee for Gifted and Talented Children Born in June that little Elyot qualified for last November.
Nothing makes my day more than a well-crafted Humble Brag Christmas Letter. My mother sent me hers for review yesterday and I was appalled by how boring it was. The poor woman is terrified now of what I'll write about it. Mom, please go back to your old letters, they're so much more fun.
This year I want to hear your Humble Brag Christmas Letters. I know that some of you write them (I'm guilty and I know a few of you are too). If you don't write your own, I know that many of you receive one or two each year. If you want to make one up, that will work too. I'd loooooove to see them . . . and share them here on the blog.
It can be a game. I will write a post using snippets from some of my favorite submissions and mix in a few of my own and then you can guess which ones are real and which ones are made up. (Don't worry, I will change all the names and locations to protect the guilty.)
For example, which one is real?
"Yes, Xavier and I are still dating - 8 years now - and honestly I'm quite content to continue to hold off on marriage. Xavier thinks we need a bit more time to get to know one another and I agree completely."
OR
"This year has been a whirlwind of trips for me and Calvin. In January we went to Germany (brrr), in February it was Asia, March we went to Branson, we spent April and May at home (needed a break!), resumed our travels in June with a jaunt to Chicago, July was Branson again (we just love Silver Dollar City), August was a quick trip back to Asia (so hot!), September was France, we were home for October and November and then spent some time in New York City in December. Phew! I need a vacation from my vacations!"
Can you tell which one is the real one and which one is the fake one?
Yup, they're both REAL.
If you want to play all you need to do is send your submissions to:
sweetsadiecreations@gmail.com by December 7
Indicate if this submission is REAL or FAKE.
If you have a blog and you'd like me to link to it, be sure to let me know and I'll be happy to do so.
December 2, 2012
Hypochondriac Hubs
Today the Hubs is sick. It started yesterday when he woke up and complained of full body aches. I honestly didn't believe him. We had an early day yesterday and I really thought he was trying to get out of helping with the morning routine. He's just such a baby when he's sick it's hard to know when you can believe him.
Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about Adolpha spending so much time in the nurse's office? Well, she comes by her hypochondria honestly. The Hubs can turn a splinter in his finger into a case of gangrene. Instead of the boy who cried wolf, he is the man who cried sick.
It's impossible to know the truth.
There is only one sure sign the Hubs is sick - actually there are two:
1. He turns off his computer. The Hubs is always on his lap top. He is always "working" on something even if that means price checking North Face sales.
2. He doesn't eat. Unless you know the Hubs personally and have eaten a meal with this man it is hard to understand just how much food he can put away. I swear he has a hollow leg. He is a skinny fat man. Imagine that Japanese guy who always wins the hot dog eating championship - the Hubs could give him a run for his money.
This morning the Hubs woke up and didn't immediately grab his lap top or go looking for some food. That's when I knew it was time to go into quarantine mode.
You see, the Hubs gets sick every winter. He always catches what ever the newest communicable disease of the day is making the rounds. Thank goodness we don't live in Asia, he would have succumbed to Bird Flu or SARS years ago.
He did catch Swine Flu a few years ago and he still blames me.
We were downtown having Vietnamese food in a seedy dive that he loves and everyone around us was coughing, sniffling and looked slightly feverish. The kids were still pretty little and the last thing I wanted was for them to catch something nasty just so the Hubs could enjoy a cheap bowl of noodle soup. I Purell'd (yeah, that's a verb in my house) the shit out of their little hands, the chairs they sat on and encouraged them to eat with their fingers so as to avoid the diseased-looking silverware.
We finally escaped the restaurant and headed to the safety of our car when I realized we were close to a big Asian market (Kansas City doesn't have too many of those, so when you're within 20 miles, you need to take advantage) and I had been promising Adolpha a nauseating Chinese dessert that they carried.
I asked the Hubs if we could stop and pick some up.
We got inside the market and it made the restaurant we'd just left look spacious, bright and clean. "Ugh, it smells in here," complained Gomer (he hates the smell of the fish and the herbs).
"Don't. Touch. Anything." I whispered to everyone.
"Tell you what," I said to the Hubs. "I'll take the kids back out the car and you grab the dessert. No cart!"
"Right. No cart," the Hubs repeated knowing the carts would be filthy.
The kids and I waited for him in the car. He jumped in and threw the groceries at me. "I hope it was worth it!" he said.
"Why? What are you talking about?" I asked.
"I just got Swine Flu!"
"Stop it. You did not," I said shaking my head and thinking, This guy is such a hypochondriac!
"Oh yes I did," he insisted.
"OK. How do you know?" I asked.
"Did you see the guy in front me? The one who was sweating and buying all that ginger and herbs to obviously try to cure his flu?"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. He sneezed in my fucking mouth!"
"What??"
"Yup. I could see he was going to sneeze and I thought he'd sneeze into his arm like a normal person, but no, he turned around and sneezed right in my mouth as I yawned!!!!"
Within two days of this altercation, the Hubs was in the Emergency Room on a fluid drip and dictating his Will to me.
Luckily, he pulled through that time, but every sniffle since has been touch and go.
I could use your vote tonight over at Circle of Moms Top 25 Author Moms. I hate to lose a contest and every vote makes a difference. Click here to vote for me. It honestly only takes 2 seconds, but you can only do it once ever 24 hours. Thanks!!!
Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about Adolpha spending so much time in the nurse's office? Well, she comes by her hypochondria honestly. The Hubs can turn a splinter in his finger into a case of gangrene. Instead of the boy who cried wolf, he is the man who cried sick.
It's impossible to know the truth.
There is only one sure sign the Hubs is sick - actually there are two:
1. He turns off his computer. The Hubs is always on his lap top. He is always "working" on something even if that means price checking North Face sales.
2. He doesn't eat. Unless you know the Hubs personally and have eaten a meal with this man it is hard to understand just how much food he can put away. I swear he has a hollow leg. He is a skinny fat man. Imagine that Japanese guy who always wins the hot dog eating championship - the Hubs could give him a run for his money.
This morning the Hubs woke up and didn't immediately grab his lap top or go looking for some food. That's when I knew it was time to go into quarantine mode.
You see, the Hubs gets sick every winter. He always catches what ever the newest communicable disease of the day is making the rounds. Thank goodness we don't live in Asia, he would have succumbed to Bird Flu or SARS years ago.
He did catch Swine Flu a few years ago and he still blames me.
We were downtown having Vietnamese food in a seedy dive that he loves and everyone around us was coughing, sniffling and looked slightly feverish. The kids were still pretty little and the last thing I wanted was for them to catch something nasty just so the Hubs could enjoy a cheap bowl of noodle soup. I Purell'd (yeah, that's a verb in my house) the shit out of their little hands, the chairs they sat on and encouraged them to eat with their fingers so as to avoid the diseased-looking silverware.
We finally escaped the restaurant and headed to the safety of our car when I realized we were close to a big Asian market (Kansas City doesn't have too many of those, so when you're within 20 miles, you need to take advantage) and I had been promising Adolpha a nauseating Chinese dessert that they carried.
I asked the Hubs if we could stop and pick some up.
We got inside the market and it made the restaurant we'd just left look spacious, bright and clean. "Ugh, it smells in here," complained Gomer (he hates the smell of the fish and the herbs).
"Don't. Touch. Anything." I whispered to everyone.
"Tell you what," I said to the Hubs. "I'll take the kids back out the car and you grab the dessert. No cart!"
"Right. No cart," the Hubs repeated knowing the carts would be filthy.
The kids and I waited for him in the car. He jumped in and threw the groceries at me. "I hope it was worth it!" he said.
"Why? What are you talking about?" I asked.
"I just got Swine Flu!"
"Stop it. You did not," I said shaking my head and thinking, This guy is such a hypochondriac!
"Oh yes I did," he insisted.
"OK. How do you know?" I asked.
"Did you see the guy in front me? The one who was sweating and buying all that ginger and herbs to obviously try to cure his flu?"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. He sneezed in my fucking mouth!"
"What??"
"Yup. I could see he was going to sneeze and I thought he'd sneeze into his arm like a normal person, but no, he turned around and sneezed right in my mouth as I yawned!!!!"
Within two days of this altercation, the Hubs was in the Emergency Room on a fluid drip and dictating his Will to me.
Luckily, he pulled through that time, but every sniffle since has been touch and go.
I could use your vote tonight over at Circle of Moms Top 25 Author Moms. I hate to lose a contest and every vote makes a difference. Click here to vote for me. It honestly only takes 2 seconds, but you can only do it once ever 24 hours. Thanks!!!
December 1, 2012
Weekly Wrap Up 12.1.12
Well, let me start this week's wrap up by welcoming all of my new readers. Welcome, welcome. This is the Weekly Wrap Up. Here is where you find good info about what's going on. You can catch up on the most popular posts of the week (based on pageviews) and see my favorite comments with my occasional response.
I'm glad you found me. There are only a few rules around here: you must be able to laugh and NO sticks up your ass allowed. I will make fun of you, your brand of coffee, your mom, your neighbor, myself, my kid, my mom, my husband, your husband, your kid and your town and so much more, so just buckle up and get ready. I hope you're still here in a year. Since you're new, the best place to start is Who Is Jen? and then pour a drink and read my archives.
For the rest of you, it's almost been a year since many of you joined me. We should have a party or something. I hate planning parties though, so you plan it and I'll try and come, OK?
I don't have to tell you, because I'm sure you're noticing, my Elf post has a fever. It's starting to blow up. I don't know if it will be as viral as it was last year, but he definitely hasn't lost his magic yet.
Book Update:
My e-book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat was 99 cents for most of the week. Thanks to everyone who coughed up a buck and purchased it. I was in first place in a couple of humor categories on Amazon until the hilarious George R.R. Martin took me down a notch. Seriously, WTF is Game of Thrones doing anywhere near the Humor section, Amazon?? Overnight I was thrown down by my dear friend Robin O'Bryant. There is no one else in the world I would cede first place to more willingly. Congrats, Robin!!
This week I shipped out hundreds - OK, many dozens - of signed paperback copies for presents. There is still time to order yours, but hurry, shipping can take some time! Remember, if you want it SIGNED you must order through the PayPal link.
Did you miss the 99 cent sale and you don't want to pay for the book? OK, lucky for you there are several giveaways going on right now around the web. You Know it Happens at Your House Too is teamed up with Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess to give away two copies, plus some other goodies. Fordeville Diaries has a copy she's giving away. And finally, Robin's Chicks is giving away a copy as well. Everyone of these places have different ways for you to qualify, so visit them all to find out how to win.
Top Read Posts This Week:
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - I think that damn Elf might be more popular this year than he was last year. He is EVERYWHERE I look. Pinterest is exploding with ah-may-zing and adorable ideas. In my own FB feed I've already seen him sky diving from light fixtures, being trapped by T-Rex, overdosing on pills and booze and can someone tell me if that sleeping guy with the shaved head is real? That's a naughty elf I could support!
Making Memories the Punch Way - With more people reading the Elf post, more commenters come out who think I'm a terrible mother who doesn't make any memories with her kids. This post is for them. They can suck it. I make memories - just MY way. If you haven't read the comments on this one yet, do yourself a favor - empty your mouth, because you WILL spew - and then read the comments. Too many terrific ones to pick from this week.
Toys for Todds - Who is Todd and why does he get so many toys?
Anyone Who Spends $7 on a Cup of Coffee - The executives at Starbucks are laughing at us with their new ridiculously expensive cup of coffee, plus the Hubs thinks they might be a tad racist.
My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):
I think it hilarious that the only reason I got to this page was because the person you are making fun of, linked us all to it! LOL on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
Uh oh, go check out #93! on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
Last year after this post blew up, Danielle from Blossom's Bunkhouse reached out to me by email and offered a truce. I had never intended to wage a war on her, so of course I accepted her truce. We made a deal to link to one another and that she would poke fun at me in her own way and that's when she changed number 93. I LOVE number 93 and I think this year I will actually do that one with my elves. My kids will understand it completely and think that it's more magical to have an Elf that reads their mother's blog than an Elf who makes cookies.
It's Nov. 2012 and it's started again. Two of my FB friends have started posting the "hilarious" hijinks of their shelf elfs. Ugh. So I had to re-read your excellent commentary to validate the instant "ugh" reaction I got to these posts and assure myself that I am not alone!!! P.S. Just bought your book. Looking forward to reading it. on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
Wow... You're a bitch.. Maybe I should punch YOU in the throat. I'm a father who puts the extra effort in so that my son will have fond memories, even if it causes me extra work. And even if my son doesn't remember, my wife and I will. So take some ex-lax, lose the constipation and attitude, and then calm the hell down. Jeez. on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
Last year when I would get comments like this I would freak out and respond with a healthy Fuck you. This year I am just laughing at these people. I always find it so interesting that the people who tell ME to calm down, take ex-lax, breathe, seek counseling, etc., etc., etc. are the ones who call me "bitch" or accuse me of being a bad mother. WTF, dude I don't think I'm the one with the problem. The only positive thing I can say about this comment is is it all spelled correctly. Usually misspelling and assholes go together.
Well, thanks to this post we've spent the last week getting our 16 foot tree lit up properly again. Year after year we ignored a few burned out bulbs, and then it turned into "we'll deal with that NEXT year." So we bought the Light Keeper Pro (cha-ching) and got to work. First, we used all the extra bulbs that came with the tree, then I went and bought 160 bulbs. The next day hubs bought 200 bulbs. Two days later, he bought another 200 bulbs. Yeah, we've replaced somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 bulbs (we have some left for next year's hurrah). So, thanks! But it does look wonderful now :) on Pre-Lit Christmas Tree can suck it
I'm telling ya, it's worth every penny. When I read this comment to the Hubs he made me promise I'll never want to buy a 16 foot tree. He got sick to his stomach just thinking about all of those lights.
Finally, someone who understands! I so hope they actually read this and do something about it. I'm so tired of either injuring myself trying to get the dang thing on or injuring myself while working out due to lack of support! You rock Jen!!! on Open Letter to Bra Manufacturers
I actually did hear from many bra manufacturers and I'm working on a follow up post. I've found a couple of new sports bras that I like and I'll be sharing all of my "research" with you guys soon!
When you're reaching for the Elf and you almost shit yourself- Diarrhea, diarrhea. on Making Memories the Punch Way
When you're reading the PIWTPITT Blog and you feel a juicy log: Diarrhea, diarrhea. on Making Memories the Punch Way
I totally just read this while sitting on the throne! on Making Memories the Punch Way
Love. Love. Love. Screw Linus and Lucy... We muted it so I could read these to the kids. on Making Memories the Punch Way
you are too funny. i am familiar with the nurse call as well. as a nurse student i try to be nice but i know i always have that 'come on, does she really need to come home' attitude. on My Kid VS. The School Nurse
Meanwhile, Adolpha went to the nurse AGAIN this week. She bumped her head on the playground and required an ice pack because she was "too dizzy to stand." Sigh.
When all is said and done, to each their own. Your blog makes me laugh my ass off, and for that I like you. I don't understand people who don't like animals, but then again, you don't understand people who feel their pets are their children. Again, to each their own. My dogs are two giant babies, and I've never had any creatures who have been so damn HAPPY to see me...even when I'm just coming back from the mailbox. I know your children love you, but when they're teenagers and going through their "I hate you you're a jerk I'm going to do everything to defy you" phase. You'll wish they were dogs...because no matter what age dogs are, they never stop loving you more than themselves. ;-) Thanks for an awesome blog. It's hysterical on People Who Treat Their Dogs Like Children
I have not thought that far ahead. You make a good point about the teenagers who won't love me anymore. Maybe in 10 years I'll have a change of heart?
That is awesome. Last year I heard on the radio that the older kids had wish lists that consisted of things like deodorant, facial cleanser, shampoo...that made me so freaking sad. Those should be givens. Those should not be wants. Those are needs. Wow. So sad it makes me angry and tearful just thinking about it. I wanted to, but had no idea how to, start a drive to make gift baskets for low-income teens, baskets that would have staples, and a couple of fun things. I wanted to seek donations from companies to get the staple items, and maybe give them movie tickets, or Subway cards, or something like that. I just didn't know how to make that happen, and now I feel like a loser that I didn't pursue it harder. It is so wrong that these tweens and teens even have to ASK for Axe Body Spray!! I throw stuff like that in my cart for my teen all the time, without a thought. :( on Toys for Todds
I have a friend who has a middle school aged son and he organizes a gift drive through his school. He asks his friends and classmates to help gather donations and then he distributes them. I'm sure you school or your church or any other civic organization you belong to would be able to help you adopt a cause this holiday season. Just start small. Even if you help one person, that's one person who benefited.
I'm glad you found me. There are only a few rules around here: you must be able to laugh and NO sticks up your ass allowed. I will make fun of you, your brand of coffee, your mom, your neighbor, myself, my kid, my mom, my husband, your husband, your kid and your town and so much more, so just buckle up and get ready. I hope you're still here in a year. Since you're new, the best place to start is Who Is Jen? and then pour a drink and read my archives.
For the rest of you, it's almost been a year since many of you joined me. We should have a party or something. I hate planning parties though, so you plan it and I'll try and come, OK?
I don't have to tell you, because I'm sure you're noticing, my Elf post has a fever. It's starting to blow up. I don't know if it will be as viral as it was last year, but he definitely hasn't lost his magic yet.
Book Update:
My e-book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat was 99 cents for most of the week. Thanks to everyone who coughed up a buck and purchased it. I was in first place in a couple of humor categories on Amazon until the hilarious George R.R. Martin took me down a notch. Seriously, WTF is Game of Thrones doing anywhere near the Humor section, Amazon?? Overnight I was thrown down by my dear friend Robin O'Bryant. There is no one else in the world I would cede first place to more willingly. Congrats, Robin!!
This week I shipped out hundreds - OK, many dozens - of signed paperback copies for presents. There is still time to order yours, but hurry, shipping can take some time! Remember, if you want it SIGNED you must order through the PayPal link.
Did you miss the 99 cent sale and you don't want to pay for the book? OK, lucky for you there are several giveaways going on right now around the web. You Know it Happens at Your House Too is teamed up with Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess to give away two copies, plus some other goodies. Fordeville Diaries has a copy she's giving away. And finally, Robin's Chicks is giving away a copy as well. Everyone of these places have different ways for you to qualify, so visit them all to find out how to win.
Top Read Posts This Week:
Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - I think that damn Elf might be more popular this year than he was last year. He is EVERYWHERE I look. Pinterest is exploding with ah-may-zing and adorable ideas. In my own FB feed I've already seen him sky diving from light fixtures, being trapped by T-Rex, overdosing on pills and booze and can someone tell me if that sleeping guy with the shaved head is real? That's a naughty elf I could support!
Making Memories the Punch Way - With more people reading the Elf post, more commenters come out who think I'm a terrible mother who doesn't make any memories with her kids. This post is for them. They can suck it. I make memories - just MY way. If you haven't read the comments on this one yet, do yourself a favor - empty your mouth, because you WILL spew - and then read the comments. Too many terrific ones to pick from this week.
Toys for Todds - Who is Todd and why does he get so many toys?
Anyone Who Spends $7 on a Cup of Coffee - The executives at Starbucks are laughing at us with their new ridiculously expensive cup of coffee, plus the Hubs thinks they might be a tad racist.
My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):
I think it hilarious that the only reason I got to this page was because the person you are making fun of, linked us all to it! LOL on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
Uh oh, go check out #93! on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
Last year after this post blew up, Danielle from Blossom's Bunkhouse reached out to me by email and offered a truce. I had never intended to wage a war on her, so of course I accepted her truce. We made a deal to link to one another and that she would poke fun at me in her own way and that's when she changed number 93. I LOVE number 93 and I think this year I will actually do that one with my elves. My kids will understand it completely and think that it's more magical to have an Elf that reads their mother's blog than an Elf who makes cookies.
It's Nov. 2012 and it's started again. Two of my FB friends have started posting the "hilarious" hijinks of their shelf elfs. Ugh. So I had to re-read your excellent commentary to validate the instant "ugh" reaction I got to these posts and assure myself that I am not alone!!! P.S. Just bought your book. Looking forward to reading it. on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
Wow... You're a bitch.. Maybe I should punch YOU in the throat. I'm a father who puts the extra effort in so that my son will have fond memories, even if it causes me extra work. And even if my son doesn't remember, my wife and I will. So take some ex-lax, lose the constipation and attitude, and then calm the hell down. Jeez. on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies
Last year when I would get comments like this I would freak out and respond with a healthy Fuck you. This year I am just laughing at these people. I always find it so interesting that the people who tell ME to calm down, take ex-lax, breathe, seek counseling, etc., etc., etc. are the ones who call me "bitch" or accuse me of being a bad mother. WTF, dude I don't think I'm the one with the problem. The only positive thing I can say about this comment is is it all spelled correctly. Usually misspelling and assholes go together.
Well, thanks to this post we've spent the last week getting our 16 foot tree lit up properly again. Year after year we ignored a few burned out bulbs, and then it turned into "we'll deal with that NEXT year." So we bought the Light Keeper Pro (cha-ching) and got to work. First, we used all the extra bulbs that came with the tree, then I went and bought 160 bulbs. The next day hubs bought 200 bulbs. Two days later, he bought another 200 bulbs. Yeah, we've replaced somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 bulbs (we have some left for next year's hurrah). So, thanks! But it does look wonderful now :) on Pre-Lit Christmas Tree can suck it
I'm telling ya, it's worth every penny. When I read this comment to the Hubs he made me promise I'll never want to buy a 16 foot tree. He got sick to his stomach just thinking about all of those lights.
Finally, someone who understands! I so hope they actually read this and do something about it. I'm so tired of either injuring myself trying to get the dang thing on or injuring myself while working out due to lack of support! You rock Jen!!! on Open Letter to Bra Manufacturers
I actually did hear from many bra manufacturers and I'm working on a follow up post. I've found a couple of new sports bras that I like and I'll be sharing all of my "research" with you guys soon!
When you're reaching for the Elf and you almost shit yourself- Diarrhea, diarrhea. on Making Memories the Punch Way
When you're reading the PIWTPITT Blog and you feel a juicy log: Diarrhea, diarrhea. on Making Memories the Punch Way
I totally just read this while sitting on the throne! on Making Memories the Punch Way
Love. Love. Love. Screw Linus and Lucy... We muted it so I could read these to the kids. on Making Memories the Punch Way
you are too funny. i am familiar with the nurse call as well. as a nurse student i try to be nice but i know i always have that 'come on, does she really need to come home' attitude. on My Kid VS. The School Nurse
Meanwhile, Adolpha went to the nurse AGAIN this week. She bumped her head on the playground and required an ice pack because she was "too dizzy to stand." Sigh.
When all is said and done, to each their own. Your blog makes me laugh my ass off, and for that I like you. I don't understand people who don't like animals, but then again, you don't understand people who feel their pets are their children. Again, to each their own. My dogs are two giant babies, and I've never had any creatures who have been so damn HAPPY to see me...even when I'm just coming back from the mailbox. I know your children love you, but when they're teenagers and going through their "I hate you you're a jerk I'm going to do everything to defy you" phase. You'll wish they were dogs...because no matter what age dogs are, they never stop loving you more than themselves. ;-) Thanks for an awesome blog. It's hysterical on People Who Treat Their Dogs Like Children
I have not thought that far ahead. You make a good point about the teenagers who won't love me anymore. Maybe in 10 years I'll have a change of heart?
That is awesome. Last year I heard on the radio that the older kids had wish lists that consisted of things like deodorant, facial cleanser, shampoo...that made me so freaking sad. Those should be givens. Those should not be wants. Those are needs. Wow. So sad it makes me angry and tearful just thinking about it. I wanted to, but had no idea how to, start a drive to make gift baskets for low-income teens, baskets that would have staples, and a couple of fun things. I wanted to seek donations from companies to get the staple items, and maybe give them movie tickets, or Subway cards, or something like that. I just didn't know how to make that happen, and now I feel like a loser that I didn't pursue it harder. It is so wrong that these tweens and teens even have to ASK for Axe Body Spray!! I throw stuff like that in my cart for my teen all the time, without a thought. :( on Toys for Todds
I have a friend who has a middle school aged son and he organizes a gift drive through his school. He asks his friends and classmates to help gather donations and then he distributes them. I'm sure you school or your church or any other civic organization you belong to would be able to help you adopt a cause this holiday season. Just start small. Even if you help one person, that's one person who benefited.
November 30, 2012
Anyone Who Spends $7 on a Cup of Coffee
This one sort of goes along with anyone who would pay to have eyelash extensions. Y'know, people who just spend money on crazy shit.
In case you don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain. Starbucks has come out with some stupid, super rare coffee that they're selling for $7 a cup. They are hoping that we're all either too stupid to care about the price and we'll line up like lemmings to drink their magic elixir or so fucking elitist and competitive that we'll HAVE TO have it.
Obviously, they are hoping that you'll walk into your office with a steaming cup of over priced coffee so you can brag, "I just spent seven dollars on premium, exclusive, AH-may-ZING I assume fairy dust-filled coffee and you're still drinking swill! That shit in your cup is probably only four dollars a cup. Peasant."
Leslie Wolford, who is a green coffee specialist (btw, where does one get a degree to be a "green coffee specialist"?) for Starbucks has described the taste of this murky liquid as, "A little bit of pineapple. Herbal complexity. Super-clean. Vibrant. Sparklingness . . . Lush, tropical, hints of white, not yellow, peach."
All I can say is, thank God Starbucks had the forethought to include hints of only white peach - have you tasted yellow peach in your coffee? Fucking disgusting. I had once and it ruined my whole week. On a side note, my Asian Hubs takes great offense to the exclusion of yellow peaches. He thinks that's racist.
Now I'd like to address the people who are lining up to buy this cup of joe. What is wrong with you? You know it's just coffee right? There aren't flakes of gold in there that you can take to the bank. It doesn't cure cancer when you drink it. I'm guessing all it does is give you the jitters and the runs just like Starbucks' regular over priced coffee, but it just makes you break a ten instead of a five.
I think Jimmy Kimmel summed it up perfectly when he called this a "test" to see how "stupid" we are.
In case you don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain. Starbucks has come out with some stupid, super rare coffee that they're selling for $7 a cup. They are hoping that we're all either too stupid to care about the price and we'll line up like lemmings to drink their magic elixir or so fucking elitist and competitive that we'll HAVE TO have it.
Obviously, they are hoping that you'll walk into your office with a steaming cup of over priced coffee so you can brag, "I just spent seven dollars on premium, exclusive, AH-may-ZING I assume fairy dust-filled coffee and you're still drinking swill! That shit in your cup is probably only four dollars a cup. Peasant."
Leslie Wolford, who is a green coffee specialist (btw, where does one get a degree to be a "green coffee specialist"?) for Starbucks has described the taste of this murky liquid as, "A little bit of pineapple. Herbal complexity. Super-clean. Vibrant. Sparklingness . . . Lush, tropical, hints of white, not yellow, peach."
All I can say is, thank God Starbucks had the forethought to include hints of only white peach - have you tasted yellow peach in your coffee? Fucking disgusting. I had once and it ruined my whole week. On a side note, my Asian Hubs takes great offense to the exclusion of yellow peaches. He thinks that's racist.
Now I'd like to address the people who are lining up to buy this cup of joe. What is wrong with you? You know it's just coffee right? There aren't flakes of gold in there that you can take to the bank. It doesn't cure cancer when you drink it. I'm guessing all it does is give you the jitters and the runs just like Starbucks' regular over priced coffee, but it just makes you break a ten instead of a five.
I think Jimmy Kimmel summed it up perfectly when he called this a "test" to see how "stupid" we are.
November 28, 2012
Making Memories the Punch Way
So, in the past I've been accused of not being a very good mother. I've been told that just because I refuse to make my silly little Elf make snow angels in flour on my kitchen counter or drape my Christmas tree with socks I'm a shitty mom. Well, I'd like you all to know that tonight I made memories with my kids, dammit. We created a new Christmas holiday tradition for this family. I'm not sure it will stick around like our tradition to shop for the Todds of the world, but for tonight it was perfect.
Let me set the scene for you. It was already dark out. We'd just returned from a dinner out and a quick tour of our favorite Christmas lights. The kids were in their jammies and we were all cuddled together in the soft glow of our fancy Christmas tree that the Hubs had slaved over for a day to light when Gomer said, "I learned a new song today at school. Would you like to hear it?"
"Of course we would," I said thinking that surely my enormous property tax bill has been going to good use at his school where they must be learning some of the most beautiful songs.
"OK! When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea!"
"Gomer!" I exclaimed.
"Ha! Good one!" the Hubs cried. "I remember that song. There were tons of verses when we were kids. Let me Google it and see if I can find them."
The Hubs promptly got on his phone and found this delightful site.
At first I was appalled at all this (literal) potty talk, but I was hooked as soon as he read, "When your stomach is in pain and you're making chocolate rain, diarrhea, diarrhea."
For the next half hour all we did was to try and come up with better ones while we laughed our asses off.
Are you ready?
This is what we came up with:
When you're walking down the beach and your panties need some bleach, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're hanging with the kids and your pants are full of skids, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're sitting on the throne and you give a big old groan, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're playing on the deck and your underwear's a wreck, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're drinking cups of coffee and you lay a big fat softie, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're sliding down the slide and you feel some extra glide, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're dancing in the streets and your pants have got some streaks, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're swinging on a swing and your bottom goes ba-zing, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're turning on your lamp and you feel a little cramp, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you think you're pretty classy, but you're really kind of gassy, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're laying on your belly and you notice something smelly, diarrhea, diarrhea.
I know I have poets, wordsmiths, scribes, and word slingers out there who can add to this distinguished list. So let's hear it. Give us your best Diarrhea Song verse.
OK, now for some updates because there is a lot going on today! Would you like to win a signed copy of my book and read why Johnny Depp and I are similar? Go see You Know It Happens At Your House Too and Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess they've got two chances for you to win signed copies of my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat (which, by the way is still 99 cents for the e-book on Amazon since they're taking their sweet time ending my "Black Friday to Cyber Monday Deal" we're now starting the "Wacky Wednesday" sale). Want one more chance to win? OK, OK. Go see Kim at Fordeville Diaries and make sure you read her greatest hits. She is very funny.
Already read my book, but you still need a good laugh? Then go visit Robin O'Bryant and enter her drawing to win a signed copy of her book Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell.
Let me set the scene for you. It was already dark out. We'd just returned from a dinner out and a quick tour of our favorite Christmas lights. The kids were in their jammies and we were all cuddled together in the soft glow of our fancy Christmas tree that the Hubs had slaved over for a day to light when Gomer said, "I learned a new song today at school. Would you like to hear it?"
"Of course we would," I said thinking that surely my enormous property tax bill has been going to good use at his school where they must be learning some of the most beautiful songs.
"OK! When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea!"
"Gomer!" I exclaimed.
"Ha! Good one!" the Hubs cried. "I remember that song. There were tons of verses when we were kids. Let me Google it and see if I can find them."
The Hubs promptly got on his phone and found this delightful site.
At first I was appalled at all this (literal) potty talk, but I was hooked as soon as he read, "When your stomach is in pain and you're making chocolate rain, diarrhea, diarrhea."
For the next half hour all we did was to try and come up with better ones while we laughed our asses off.
Are you ready?
This is what we came up with:
When you're walking down the beach and your panties need some bleach, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're hanging with the kids and your pants are full of skids, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're sitting on the throne and you give a big old groan, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're playing on the deck and your underwear's a wreck, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're drinking cups of coffee and you lay a big fat softie, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're sliding down the slide and you feel some extra glide, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're dancing in the streets and your pants have got some streaks, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're swinging on a swing and your bottom goes ba-zing, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're turning on your lamp and you feel a little cramp, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you think you're pretty classy, but you're really kind of gassy, diarrhea, diarrhea.
When you're laying on your belly and you notice something smelly, diarrhea, diarrhea.
I know I have poets, wordsmiths, scribes, and word slingers out there who can add to this distinguished list. So let's hear it. Give us your best Diarrhea Song verse.
OK, now for some updates because there is a lot going on today! Would you like to win a signed copy of my book and read why Johnny Depp and I are similar? Go see You Know It Happens At Your House Too and Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess they've got two chances for you to win signed copies of my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat (which, by the way is still 99 cents for the e-book on Amazon since they're taking their sweet time ending my "Black Friday to Cyber Monday Deal" we're now starting the "Wacky Wednesday" sale). Want one more chance to win? OK, OK. Go see Kim at Fordeville Diaries and make sure you read her greatest hits. She is very funny.
Already read my book, but you still need a good laugh? Then go visit Robin O'Bryant and enter her drawing to win a signed copy of her book Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell.
November 27, 2012
Toys for Todds
Ever since then we've seen dozens of Toys for Tots bins and boxes all over town. The other day Adolpha and I went shopping and Toys for Tots was there with a list of items for older kids. I always buy toys for little kids, but so many times I forget the big kids.
Last year I volunteered for an organization that lets low income families come in and shop before Christmas. Everyone gets to pick a personal gift for themselves that isn't a hat or a coat or food. There were tons of toys for little kids, but the tweens and teens kind of got the shaft. Their wants are just so much more expensive than the little ones. When the Toys for Tots volunteer handed me the list I saw that they'd come up with lots of reasonably priced items for tweens and teens (AXE Bodyspray, make up, sketch pads, curling irons, books, DVDs, etc.). I told Adolpha that we'd buy a few of these items.
As we perused the make up aisle, Adolpha said, "Are you sure he's going to want make up??"
I was busy trying to decide if electric blue eye shadow is back in style again (I think it MIGHT be) and I didn't really listen to her question. "Hmmm?" I asked as I put back the Electric Eel eye shadow and chose Aquadisiac instead.
I'm pretty sure I wore this color in 1984 and it didn't look good on me then either.
"Are you sure this boy is going to want make up?" Adolpha asked again.
"Who are you talking about, Adolpha?" I asked.
"Todds. The boy who gets all of these toys. Y'know, it's called Toys for Todds. That Todds kid is getting a lot of toys."
