Estelle Ryan's Blog, page 18
December 1, 2012
SEXY Body Language
“There’s language in her eye, her cheek, her lip, Nay, her foot speaks; her wanton spirits look out At every joint and motive of her body.” – Shakespeare “ Oh, if only we knew all the secrets we revealed with our body language! One of those secrets is our attraction to someone else. Research has [...]
Leo Nardus
I’m often asked where I get my stories from and it is always a very difficult question to answer. Goodness. Where to start? I read a lot. I’m a news junkie which means that I read a lot of articles about a lot of different things. I’m also terribly, terribly curious about everything. That again [...]
Pants on FIRE!!
“Lying is the oil the greases our interactions with others and lets us maintain friendly social relationships.” The Definitive Book of Body Language As much as we would like to claim to be totally honest, it is simply not possible. We all lie – white lies, small lies, innocent lies, protective lies, HUGE lies. It’s [...]
Lies!!! It’s all LIES!!!
How honest are you? Do you always tell the truth? Of course not!! The question really is not if you lie, but rather how often. I would most definitely not be telling the truth if I declared myself to be a totally honest person. Of course I lie. We all do. Lies are what polite [...]
October 27, 2012
The (not so) SEXIEST body language
This has taken me a wee bit longer than planned to continue this conversation about sexy body language. The last two weeks have been busy, lazy, up, down, warm, cold, late, early – a mixture of everything that made my head spin.
No matter how diverse my days/weeks are, there is always time to observe people and marvel at how strange we all are. Of course I am normal, it is everyone else who is extremely strange! The older I get, the more I learn, the more I observe, the more obvious it becomes to me that we are not by far as sophisticated as we would like to believe. At the end of the day our needs, our behaviour and also our body language conveys the simplest of our needs.
Love is not as simple a need as we would like to believe. Sex and procreation comes before that. Unfortunately. And that is how the most basic part of our brains evaluates potential partners. Whether they would be good breeding mates. Ugh! Where are the violins, soft candle light, sunsets and need for soul mates? Nope, our very first attraction comes from a much less romantic point.
For men it would be a woman who would be a good breeder. Larger buttocks is a huge plus – pun intended. Why? Well, just like camels we store extra padding there for hungry days and fat for breastfeeding. The same goes for legs. Men prefer legs with a little (not a lot) extra, for the same fat-storing, breastfeeding reasons. Sexy, right? Not! Talking about breasts – now that is a very obvious attraction point. Most women have stories about men talking to their cleavages and not even looking at their faces. Men highly dislike winter. It is the time when they have the least visual pleasure! When a woman in interested in a man, it is very likely that she will lean forward, bring her arms closer to her body to push her breasts in and up. Giving the man great visual pleasure. And a clear sign of interest.
Women, in our most basic non-Hollywood, non-romantic brain, are looking for strength. Think caveman. I’m shaking my modern, independent head at this. But it is true. We are attracted to broad shoulders and chests, muscular arms, tight buns and muscular legs. The shoulders, chests and arms are for hunting and protecting with heavy weapons (read clubs). The tight buns? Required for efficient and strong forward thrusting. Yes, you did read it. And yes, I did write it. But this is where our basic attraction comes from. Women are looking for strength in their providers and protectors, men are looking for breeders. Cue the Flintstones music!
Oh wait!! I’ve just looked at the original title of this post and I totally disagree with myself on this post. What I’ve just written is the complete opposite of sexy, never mind SEXIEST!! I apologise profusely. I amended the title and chose the image accordingly. Since this is fun information, I’ll leave this post with the promise to have a follow up on something much more worthy of Hollywood.
No matter how diverse my days/weeks are, there is always time to observe people and marvel at how strange we all are. Of course I am normal, it is everyone else who is extremely strange! The older I get, the more I learn, the more I observe, the more obvious it becomes to me that we are not by far as sophisticated as we would like to believe. At the end of the day our needs, our behaviour and also our body language conveys the simplest of our needs.
Love is not as simple a need as we would like to believe. Sex and procreation comes before that. Unfortunately. And that is how the most basic part of our brains evaluates potential partners. Whether they would be good breeding mates. Ugh! Where are the violins, soft candle light, sunsets and need for soul mates? Nope, our very first attraction comes from a much less romantic point.
For men it would be a woman who would be a good breeder. Larger buttocks is a huge plus – pun intended. Why? Well, just like camels we store extra padding there for hungry days and fat for breastfeeding. The same goes for legs. Men prefer legs with a little (not a lot) extra, for the same fat-storing, breastfeeding reasons. Sexy, right? Not! Talking about breasts – now that is a very obvious attraction point. Most women have stories about men talking to their cleavages and not even looking at their faces. Men highly dislike winter. It is the time when they have the least visual pleasure! When a woman in interested in a man, it is very likely that she will lean forward, bring her arms closer to her body to push her breasts in and up. Giving the man great visual pleasure. And a clear sign of interest.
Women, in our most basic non-Hollywood, non-romantic brain, are looking for strength. Think caveman. I’m shaking my modern, independent head at this. But it is true. We are attracted to broad shoulders and chests, muscular arms, tight buns and muscular legs. The shoulders, chests and arms are for hunting and protecting with heavy weapons (read clubs). The tight buns? Required for efficient and strong forward thrusting. Yes, you did read it. And yes, I did write it. But this is where our basic attraction comes from. Women are looking for strength in their providers and protectors, men are looking for breeders. Cue the Flintstones music!
Oh wait!! I’ve just looked at the original title of this post and I totally disagree with myself on this post. What I’ve just written is the complete opposite of sexy, never mind SEXIEST!! I apologise profusely. I amended the title and chose the image accordingly. Since this is fun information, I’ll leave this post with the promise to have a follow up on something much more worthy of Hollywood.
October 9, 2012
SEXIER Body Language
As promised in my last post, I will list the most common nonverbal cues you can observe while some serious flirting is going on.
Women:
o Self-Touching
Okay, I just HAD to headline it with that word! It sounds so … um … well, you know! But it is not like that. In this specific context I’m referring to us women being very sensitive to touch. When a woman is flirting, she will sensually stroke her throat, neck or thigh. Oh all right, it is kinda like that, but it’s much more appropriate for public places.
o The Hair Flick
Even when women don’t have long hair, they flick it. This is usually the first display of interest. This action puts on display what is available to the man who had caught her attention. It also shows her neck which is another sign of submission. And again I have to voice my independent-modern-woman distress at that thought. Have I shown my neck to men? Have I? I shudder at the thought!
o Wrists
In my previous post I mentioned that women show their wrists in a display of submission. That is not the only way we do it. We also suffer from limp-wrist syndrome when we flirt! This makes us more attractive to the man because we appear weak and he gets the impression that he can dominate. Good grief! Could someone please remove my limbic brain!! Deep, calming breaths. Okay. These are very safe generalizations since it comes from years of the experts studying such behaviour.
o Fondling a Cylindrical Object
I just can’t help myself tonight!! I’m having such a good giggle writing this. But yes, Allan and Barbara Pease, the experts who have written many books on body language actually used the word ‘Fondling’ too!! It could be the stem of a wine glass, a cigarette or a dangling earring. Why? Well, what do you think she has on her mind?!?!
Men:
Well, this is where the cave man comes in, grabs me by my flicked hair and drags me off to his cave while I wave my limp wrists about. No, seriously. Just as men have fewer communication areas in the brain processing nonverbal cues (as mentioned in the previous post), they also have very limited flirty body language.
o The Crotch
Yep, this is pretty much it. They will adjust their belts slightly to draw your attention to what they have to offer in the cylindrical department. They will hook their thumbs in the waistband or pockets, framing their, um, offerings with their hands. They will spread their legs in an even more aggressive display. Not very subtle, these Y-chromosomed humans.
To be fair, you will see interest by:
* a flush in their cheeks,
* dilated pupils,
* the focus being only on you, not other available wrist-flapping, wineglass fondling gals,
* the man putting his arm behind you (it’s territorial display),
* feet mirroring yours, pointing towards you
* if he is a modern man, he will most definitely show interest in your life, work, hobbies – they have after all evolved enough to understand the importance of talking.
There is so much more, but I don’t want to make this post longer than this. In my next post I will continue this theme and will look into the men’s preferences for bums, boobs, legs or women’s preferences for shoulders, chest and arms.
What can you add to these lists? What have you done while flirting, or observed the other person do?
The authors I referred to above is Allan & Barbara Pease, the book:
The Definitive Book of Body Language
October 1, 2012
SEXY Body Language!
“There's language in her eye, her cheek, her lip,
Nay, her foot speaks; her wanton spirits look out
At every joint and motive of her body.” - Shakespeare
[image error]
"
Oh, if only we knew all the secrets we revealed with our body language! One of those secrets is our attraction to someone else. Research has only confirmed what we already know – our entire body changes when we are in close proximity of someone we like, are attracted to or want to impress with our sensuality/sexuality.
Think about it for a moment. You’re walking down the street (doesn’t matter if you’re married, old, overweight, plain or a supermodel) and a very attractive man/woman walks towards you. What do you do? Well, the first thing men AND women do is suck in the belly and lift the chest. Of course for women that has an even more beneficial effect – pulling the eyes to one of the ‘hot zones’.
Say it is a little more intimate than a simple ‘pass by’ on the street. You are at a dinner party and are attracted to a newcomer. With every movement your body will convey your availability, enthusiasm, sexiness, readiness or even desperation. Both men and women would want to impress the other person with their suitability as a partner. Just a few posture changes and you will appear healthier, younger, livelier … and available.
Men will push out their jaw and stand taller to appear more dominant. A woman will do anything and everything to bring attention to her chest, she will touch her hair and show her wrists in a show of submission. At least this is what the books and years of research and observation say. As a strong-minded, independent woman, I find that just a little cave-man, but hey… we can’t fight our limbic responses. Our limbic brain is the part of the brain that reacts to the world around us – it’s reflexive, spontaneous, without thought or premeditation. And yes, I’m sure I’ve flashed my independent wrists at some gorgeous hunk a time or eight.
Well, us women are much more complicated than men – a fact that has (unnecessarily) been proven a gazillion times. To emphasise this point: Women has on average 14 areas in her brain dedicated to communication. Men? 4-6. This is why women can hold three different conversations at the same time. Men only one. Women are also much more proficient at reading nonverbal cues than men. It has been proven, however, that men in caring professions such as doctors, psychologists, etc., become even more proficient than the average woman.
In my next post I will neatly list the typical nonverbal cues you will see in a woman attracted to a man and the male equivalent. Always handy in case the 14 (for women) or 4-6 (for men) communication areas in your brain fail to interpret the signals correctly. Until then, keep sucking in those bellies!!
Nay, her foot speaks; her wanton spirits look out
At every joint and motive of her body.” - Shakespeare
[image error]
"Oh, if only we knew all the secrets we revealed with our body language! One of those secrets is our attraction to someone else. Research has only confirmed what we already know – our entire body changes when we are in close proximity of someone we like, are attracted to or want to impress with our sensuality/sexuality.
Think about it for a moment. You’re walking down the street (doesn’t matter if you’re married, old, overweight, plain or a supermodel) and a very attractive man/woman walks towards you. What do you do? Well, the first thing men AND women do is suck in the belly and lift the chest. Of course for women that has an even more beneficial effect – pulling the eyes to one of the ‘hot zones’.
Say it is a little more intimate than a simple ‘pass by’ on the street. You are at a dinner party and are attracted to a newcomer. With every movement your body will convey your availability, enthusiasm, sexiness, readiness or even desperation. Both men and women would want to impress the other person with their suitability as a partner. Just a few posture changes and you will appear healthier, younger, livelier … and available.
Men will push out their jaw and stand taller to appear more dominant. A woman will do anything and everything to bring attention to her chest, she will touch her hair and show her wrists in a show of submission. At least this is what the books and years of research and observation say. As a strong-minded, independent woman, I find that just a little cave-man, but hey… we can’t fight our limbic responses. Our limbic brain is the part of the brain that reacts to the world around us – it’s reflexive, spontaneous, without thought or premeditation. And yes, I’m sure I’ve flashed my independent wrists at some gorgeous hunk a time or eight.
Well, us women are much more complicated than men – a fact that has (unnecessarily) been proven a gazillion times. To emphasise this point: Women has on average 14 areas in her brain dedicated to communication. Men? 4-6. This is why women can hold three different conversations at the same time. Men only one. Women are also much more proficient at reading nonverbal cues than men. It has been proven, however, that men in caring professions such as doctors, psychologists, etc., become even more proficient than the average woman.
In my next post I will neatly list the typical nonverbal cues you will see in a woman attracted to a man and the male equivalent. Always handy in case the 14 (for women) or 4-6 (for men) communication areas in your brain fail to interpret the signals correctly. Until then, keep sucking in those bellies!!
September 24, 2012
Leo Nardus – the Con Artist
I’m often asked where I get my stories from and it is always a very difficult question to answer. Goodness. Where to start? I read a lot. I’m a news junkie which means that I read a lot of articles about a lot of different things. I’m also terribly, terribly curious about everything. That again means I read other articles purely because it interests me, even if it’s not news-worthy. All this translates to me having a lot of useless bits of information floating around in my head. When I sit down to start the planning of my books, I suppose some of these bits float in the same direction and form a unit in order to create one complete story. One of these bits that actually played a large role in the initial planning stages of The Gauguin Connection is the story of Leo Nardus.
[image error]
Vermeer; The Art of Painting; c. 1666-73; Oil on canvas
Purely by chance I stumbled across a story the likes of an exceptional episode of White Collar (a very entertaining show, by the way). Not only was Leo Nardus reported to be charming and charismatic, but he was a conman par excellence. When I read his story it really made me think of Neal Caffrey. Anyhoo…
The story that entertained me so much is about Leo Nardus, a Dutch born art dealer (perfect job for an art-forging conman!) and an American Industrialist, P.A.B. Widener in and around Philadelphia in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Poor Mr Widener was taken for quite a lot of money, apparently by purchasing 93 paintings from Leo, especially a few coveted Vermeers. Not all these were forgeries. Leo actually traded in the real thing as well. But Widener was not his only victim. Leo went for the big guys, including J.P. Morgan (the financier), John G Johnson (lawyer and art collector) and Sir William C. Van Horne (president of the Canadian Pacific Railway). In true long con style, Leo established ‘credibility’ by selling to these influential people.
The true scandal, of course, was not the fraudulent art works. No. It was that these astute business men were duped. Even worse: Widener had introduced his high-class friends to Leo. When the con started unraveling, a long line of experts came to inspect the ‘Nardus’ paintings, declaring them all kinds of fake. After the initial outrage John G Johnson (the lawyer) convinced Widener that public knowledge of their ‘foolishness’ would damage their image, reputation and credibility. There were a lot of negotiations involved, but in the end everyone lost. Leo had to take back some of the paintings and return some funds, Widener received most of these funds, but it by no means covered all he had spent.
This is an extremely incomplete and quick overview of a very interesting story involving a lot of prominent people of that time. And ‘Neal Caffrey’. This story ends with Widener spending the next (and last) eight years of his life building one of the finest collections in the world. Another positive result was the influence this embarrassing event had on the standards and practices of the American art market.
Isn’t it too fabulous for words?!?! I love the whole story – the charming conman duping the rich by using their need for show-pieces against them. And their need to keep it quiet in fear of ridicule. Of course this is a crime (said in a very serious tone), but one of the ‘lighter’ crime stories to be found. And for some strange reason there is not a lot of information about this crime or Leo available anywhere.
And so I can say that Leo Nardus played a role in the development of Genevieve’s first adventure. He and loads of other little bits floating around in my head.
[image error]
Vermeer; The Art of Painting; c. 1666-73; Oil on canvas
Purely by chance I stumbled across a story the likes of an exceptional episode of White Collar (a very entertaining show, by the way). Not only was Leo Nardus reported to be charming and charismatic, but he was a conman par excellence. When I read his story it really made me think of Neal Caffrey. Anyhoo…
The story that entertained me so much is about Leo Nardus, a Dutch born art dealer (perfect job for an art-forging conman!) and an American Industrialist, P.A.B. Widener in and around Philadelphia in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Poor Mr Widener was taken for quite a lot of money, apparently by purchasing 93 paintings from Leo, especially a few coveted Vermeers. Not all these were forgeries. Leo actually traded in the real thing as well. But Widener was not his only victim. Leo went for the big guys, including J.P. Morgan (the financier), John G Johnson (lawyer and art collector) and Sir William C. Van Horne (president of the Canadian Pacific Railway). In true long con style, Leo established ‘credibility’ by selling to these influential people.
The true scandal, of course, was not the fraudulent art works. No. It was that these astute business men were duped. Even worse: Widener had introduced his high-class friends to Leo. When the con started unraveling, a long line of experts came to inspect the ‘Nardus’ paintings, declaring them all kinds of fake. After the initial outrage John G Johnson (the lawyer) convinced Widener that public knowledge of their ‘foolishness’ would damage their image, reputation and credibility. There were a lot of negotiations involved, but in the end everyone lost. Leo had to take back some of the paintings and return some funds, Widener received most of these funds, but it by no means covered all he had spent.
This is an extremely incomplete and quick overview of a very interesting story involving a lot of prominent people of that time. And ‘Neal Caffrey’. This story ends with Widener spending the next (and last) eight years of his life building one of the finest collections in the world. Another positive result was the influence this embarrassing event had on the standards and practices of the American art market.
Isn’t it too fabulous for words?!?! I love the whole story – the charming conman duping the rich by using their need for show-pieces against them. And their need to keep it quiet in fear of ridicule. Of course this is a crime (said in a very serious tone), but one of the ‘lighter’ crime stories to be found. And for some strange reason there is not a lot of information about this crime or Leo available anywhere.
And so I can say that Leo Nardus played a role in the development of Genevieve’s first adventure. He and loads of other little bits floating around in my head.
September 14, 2012
Pants on FIRE!
“Lying is the oil the greases our interactions with others and lets us maintain friendly social relationships.”The Definitive Book of Body Language
As much as we would like to claim to be totally honest, it is simply not possible. We all lie - white lies, small lies, innocent lies, protective lies, HUGE lies. It's part of our social interaction.
A friend told me last week that she’s now at chapter 8 of The Gauguin Connection and she’s wondering how much of me is in Genevieve. As a writer there is always a little bit of me in all my characters. What I did tell my friend was that the one thing I love about Genevieve (and envy her for it) is her black and white approach to life.
Genevieve calls a spade a spade (much to Manny’s annoyance) and never plays word games. She doesn’t play any kind of game for that matter. With her everything is black and white. Simple. I wish life did not consist of me, while in conversation, narrowing my eyes just knowing that the person across from me said one thing, but meant something completely different. But if we did speak in all honesty we might land up being extremely lonely and/or in jail!!
So… how can we tell when someone is lying? Are there dead give-aways? One specific ‘tell’ that will clue you in?
Sadly, no. In all my research and studies one recurring theme popped up – context! We express emotions in clusters. Just because I’m touching my ear doesn’t mean I’m telling a whopper. It could mean that my fabulous earrings are too heavy. As a nonverbal cue it could mean that I am uncomfortable telling you some sensitive information. Not only the topic, context and environment need to be taken into consideration, but also the entirety of my body language.
Enough blathering! Here is a list of common nonverbal cues that could make you listen more closely and ask a few more questions:
o Lack of hand and arm movement – in comfortable conversation we emphasise our stories with gestures. These still when we’re fibbing.
o Covering your mouth – it is an unconscious gesture to hide what is being said. It could be just one finger or the whole hand.
o An abnormal shoulder shrug – usually only one shoulder comes up indicating that the speaker is not fully committed to what he’s saying.
o Touching the nose, ears or eyes. These are all pacifying gestures – unconscious self-touching to calm or comfort in a stressful situation. Maybe the person feels judged or is scared of the reaction to his words. Or he might be highly uncomfortable because he is lying.
o Pulling at the collar – a more common cue with men for obvious reasons. Woman might start playing with a necklace.
o Greater eye contact – contrary to popular believe, good liars will look you in the eye and say, “It wasn’t me.”
o Contrasting head movement – saying, “I don’t know how the car got scratched!” while slightly nodding your head.
o General disharmony in words and body language – calmly telling a story, in detail, but hands are shaking, often hidden under a table.
Remember to read everything in context!!!
So… which is your ‘tell’. Do you immediately reach for your earlobe when you lie? Do you rub the corners of your mouth? Do you touch your neck? Do you know someone with a definite tell? A twitchy lip?
As much as we would like to claim to be totally honest, it is simply not possible. We all lie - white lies, small lies, innocent lies, protective lies, HUGE lies. It's part of our social interaction.
A friend told me last week that she’s now at chapter 8 of The Gauguin Connection and she’s wondering how much of me is in Genevieve. As a writer there is always a little bit of me in all my characters. What I did tell my friend was that the one thing I love about Genevieve (and envy her for it) is her black and white approach to life.
Genevieve calls a spade a spade (much to Manny’s annoyance) and never plays word games. She doesn’t play any kind of game for that matter. With her everything is black and white. Simple. I wish life did not consist of me, while in conversation, narrowing my eyes just knowing that the person across from me said one thing, but meant something completely different. But if we did speak in all honesty we might land up being extremely lonely and/or in jail!!
So… how can we tell when someone is lying? Are there dead give-aways? One specific ‘tell’ that will clue you in?
Sadly, no. In all my research and studies one recurring theme popped up – context! We express emotions in clusters. Just because I’m touching my ear doesn’t mean I’m telling a whopper. It could mean that my fabulous earrings are too heavy. As a nonverbal cue it could mean that I am uncomfortable telling you some sensitive information. Not only the topic, context and environment need to be taken into consideration, but also the entirety of my body language.
Enough blathering! Here is a list of common nonverbal cues that could make you listen more closely and ask a few more questions:
o Lack of hand and arm movement – in comfortable conversation we emphasise our stories with gestures. These still when we’re fibbing.
o Covering your mouth – it is an unconscious gesture to hide what is being said. It could be just one finger or the whole hand.
o An abnormal shoulder shrug – usually only one shoulder comes up indicating that the speaker is not fully committed to what he’s saying.
o Touching the nose, ears or eyes. These are all pacifying gestures – unconscious self-touching to calm or comfort in a stressful situation. Maybe the person feels judged or is scared of the reaction to his words. Or he might be highly uncomfortable because he is lying.
o Pulling at the collar – a more common cue with men for obvious reasons. Woman might start playing with a necklace.
o Greater eye contact – contrary to popular believe, good liars will look you in the eye and say, “It wasn’t me.”
o Contrasting head movement – saying, “I don’t know how the car got scratched!” while slightly nodding your head.
o General disharmony in words and body language – calmly telling a story, in detail, but hands are shaking, often hidden under a table.
Remember to read everything in context!!!
So… which is your ‘tell’. Do you immediately reach for your earlobe when you lie? Do you rub the corners of your mouth? Do you touch your neck? Do you know someone with a definite tell? A twitchy lip?
September 5, 2012
Lies!!! It’s all LIES!!!
How honest are you? Do you always tell the truth?
Of course not!! The question really is not if you lie, but rather how often. I would most definitely not be telling the truth if I declared myself to be a totally honest person. Of course I lie. We all do. Lies are what polite society is built on. If a potential client at a negotiation meeting asks you “How are you?”, do you really want to tell him that you just walked in on your live-in partner doing the dirty with your best friend? Nope, we lie. We say, “Fine, thank you,” and we even put on a sunshine voice for that.
I love statistics!!! Maybe as much as I love politics and politicians. They all lie as well. Research and the subsequent statistics can be interpreted in so many fun and interesting ways – perfect for manipulation to fit our opinions. For this exercise I will freely quote the interesting statistics and factoids I’ve come across in my research:
Apparently men lie twice as much as women. Oh… what a wonderful topic, but I shall not digress. The most common lie for both sexes is: “I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong.” When is the last time you’ve used this one? Honestly, I can’t remember. I would usually say that I’m having a strange day and change the topic.
Other favourite lies for men: “I didn’t have a signal”, “I’m on my way”, “I’m stuck in traffic”.
Other favourite lies for women: “It wasn’t that expensive”, “I don’t know where it is”, “No, I didn’t throw it away”.
Laughing yet? Well, I am smiling while I’m writing this. It reveals so much about our gender differences and also about human nature. Not only do we lie often, but we also are quite gullible in believing other’s lies. It might be because we trust that person or maybe you don’t really care enough about the shop assistant’s opinion of how the dress looks on you.
Whichever way, during my research in preparation for Genevieve’s expertise, I realised that picking up on deception is not as straightforward as books, articles or ‘Lie to Me’ made it out to be. In my next post I will list the nonverbal cues that the experts give us to look for when people are lying. Not even Genevieve (the top world expert, of course!) would be brazen enough to say that she knows exactly if someone is lying. Too many factors come into play and the context is sometimes as important as the words and non-verbal cues.
So… how honest are you? If your friend asks for your opinion, do you give an honest opinion? Do you sugar coat it? Do you lie to protect people’s feelings? Or are you a selfish liar? Are you brutally honest or diplomatically honest? Are you a good liar? A terrible liar? A frequent liar? Should I be careful when I play poker with you?
Of course not!! The question really is not if you lie, but rather how often. I would most definitely not be telling the truth if I declared myself to be a totally honest person. Of course I lie. We all do. Lies are what polite society is built on. If a potential client at a negotiation meeting asks you “How are you?”, do you really want to tell him that you just walked in on your live-in partner doing the dirty with your best friend? Nope, we lie. We say, “Fine, thank you,” and we even put on a sunshine voice for that.
I love statistics!!! Maybe as much as I love politics and politicians. They all lie as well. Research and the subsequent statistics can be interpreted in so many fun and interesting ways – perfect for manipulation to fit our opinions. For this exercise I will freely quote the interesting statistics and factoids I’ve come across in my research:
Apparently men lie twice as much as women. Oh… what a wonderful topic, but I shall not digress. The most common lie for both sexes is: “I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong.” When is the last time you’ve used this one? Honestly, I can’t remember. I would usually say that I’m having a strange day and change the topic.
Other favourite lies for men: “I didn’t have a signal”, “I’m on my way”, “I’m stuck in traffic”.
Other favourite lies for women: “It wasn’t that expensive”, “I don’t know where it is”, “No, I didn’t throw it away”.
Laughing yet? Well, I am smiling while I’m writing this. It reveals so much about our gender differences and also about human nature. Not only do we lie often, but we also are quite gullible in believing other’s lies. It might be because we trust that person or maybe you don’t really care enough about the shop assistant’s opinion of how the dress looks on you.
Whichever way, during my research in preparation for Genevieve’s expertise, I realised that picking up on deception is not as straightforward as books, articles or ‘Lie to Me’ made it out to be. In my next post I will list the nonverbal cues that the experts give us to look for when people are lying. Not even Genevieve (the top world expert, of course!) would be brazen enough to say that she knows exactly if someone is lying. Too many factors come into play and the context is sometimes as important as the words and non-verbal cues.
So… how honest are you? If your friend asks for your opinion, do you give an honest opinion? Do you sugar coat it? Do you lie to protect people’s feelings? Or are you a selfish liar? Are you brutally honest or diplomatically honest? Are you a good liar? A terrible liar? A frequent liar? Should I be careful when I play poker with you?
