Estelle Ryan's Blog - Posts Tagged "deception"
Lies!!! It’s all LIES!!!
How honest are you? Do you always tell the truth?
Of course not!! The question really is not if you lie, but rather how often. I would most definitely not be telling the truth if I declared myself to be a totally honest person. Of course I lie. We all do. Lies are what polite society is built on. If a potential client at a negotiation meeting asks you “How are you?”, do you really want to tell him that you just walked in on your live-in partner doing the dirty with your best friend? Nope, we lie. We say, “Fine, thank you,” and we even put on a sunshine voice for that.
I love statistics!!! Maybe as much as I love politics and politicians. They all lie as well. Research and the subsequent statistics can be interpreted in so many fun and interesting ways – perfect for manipulation to fit our opinions. For this exercise I will freely quote the interesting statistics and factoids I’ve come across in my research:
Apparently men lie twice as much as women. Oh… what a wonderful topic, but I shall not digress. The most common lie for both sexes is: “I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong.” When is the last time you’ve used this one? Honestly, I can’t remember. I would usually say that I’m having a strange day and change the topic.
Other favourite lies for men: “I didn’t have a signal”, “I’m on my way”, “I’m stuck in traffic”.
Other favourite lies for women: “It wasn’t that expensive”, “I don’t know where it is”, “No, I didn’t throw it away”.
Laughing yet? Well, I am smiling while I’m writing this. It reveals so much about our gender differences and also about human nature. Not only do we lie often, but we also are quite gullible in believing other’s lies. It might be because we trust that person or maybe you don’t really care enough about the shop assistant’s opinion of how the dress looks on you.
Whichever way, during my research in preparation for Genevieve’s expertise, I realised that picking up on deception is not as straightforward as books, articles or ‘Lie to Me’ made it out to be. In my next post I will list the nonverbal cues that the experts give us to look for when people are lying. Not even Genevieve (the top world expert, of course!) would be brazen enough to say that she knows exactly if someone is lying. Too many factors come into play and the context is sometimes as important as the words and non-verbal cues.
So… how honest are you? If your friend asks for your opinion, do you give an honest opinion? Do you sugar coat it? Do you lie to protect people’s feelings? Or are you a selfish liar? Are you brutally honest or diplomatically honest? Are you a good liar? A terrible liar? A frequent liar? Should I be careful when I play poker with you?
Of course not!! The question really is not if you lie, but rather how often. I would most definitely not be telling the truth if I declared myself to be a totally honest person. Of course I lie. We all do. Lies are what polite society is built on. If a potential client at a negotiation meeting asks you “How are you?”, do you really want to tell him that you just walked in on your live-in partner doing the dirty with your best friend? Nope, we lie. We say, “Fine, thank you,” and we even put on a sunshine voice for that.
I love statistics!!! Maybe as much as I love politics and politicians. They all lie as well. Research and the subsequent statistics can be interpreted in so many fun and interesting ways – perfect for manipulation to fit our opinions. For this exercise I will freely quote the interesting statistics and factoids I’ve come across in my research:
Apparently men lie twice as much as women. Oh… what a wonderful topic, but I shall not digress. The most common lie for both sexes is: “I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong.” When is the last time you’ve used this one? Honestly, I can’t remember. I would usually say that I’m having a strange day and change the topic.
Other favourite lies for men: “I didn’t have a signal”, “I’m on my way”, “I’m stuck in traffic”.
Other favourite lies for women: “It wasn’t that expensive”, “I don’t know where it is”, “No, I didn’t throw it away”.
Laughing yet? Well, I am smiling while I’m writing this. It reveals so much about our gender differences and also about human nature. Not only do we lie often, but we also are quite gullible in believing other’s lies. It might be because we trust that person or maybe you don’t really care enough about the shop assistant’s opinion of how the dress looks on you.
Whichever way, during my research in preparation for Genevieve’s expertise, I realised that picking up on deception is not as straightforward as books, articles or ‘Lie to Me’ made it out to be. In my next post I will list the nonverbal cues that the experts give us to look for when people are lying. Not even Genevieve (the top world expert, of course!) would be brazen enough to say that she knows exactly if someone is lying. Too many factors come into play and the context is sometimes as important as the words and non-verbal cues.
So… how honest are you? If your friend asks for your opinion, do you give an honest opinion? Do you sugar coat it? Do you lie to protect people’s feelings? Or are you a selfish liar? Are you brutally honest or diplomatically honest? Are you a good liar? A terrible liar? A frequent liar? Should I be careful when I play poker with you?
Pants on FIRE!
“Lying is the oil the greases our interactions with others and lets us maintain friendly social relationships.”The Definitive Book of Body Language
As much as we would like to claim to be totally honest, it is simply not possible. We all lie - white lies, small lies, innocent lies, protective lies, HUGE lies. It's part of our social interaction.
A friend told me last week that she’s now at chapter 8 of The Gauguin Connection and she’s wondering how much of me is in Genevieve. As a writer there is always a little bit of me in all my characters. What I did tell my friend was that the one thing I love about Genevieve (and envy her for it) is her black and white approach to life.
Genevieve calls a spade a spade (much to Manny’s annoyance) and never plays word games. She doesn’t play any kind of game for that matter. With her everything is black and white. Simple. I wish life did not consist of me, while in conversation, narrowing my eyes just knowing that the person across from me said one thing, but meant something completely different. But if we did speak in all honesty we might land up being extremely lonely and/or in jail!!
So… how can we tell when someone is lying? Are there dead give-aways? One specific ‘tell’ that will clue you in?
Sadly, no. In all my research and studies one recurring theme popped up – context! We express emotions in clusters. Just because I’m touching my ear doesn’t mean I’m telling a whopper. It could mean that my fabulous earrings are too heavy. As a nonverbal cue it could mean that I am uncomfortable telling you some sensitive information. Not only the topic, context and environment need to be taken into consideration, but also the entirety of my body language.
Enough blathering! Here is a list of common nonverbal cues that could make you listen more closely and ask a few more questions:
o Lack of hand and arm movement – in comfortable conversation we emphasise our stories with gestures. These still when we’re fibbing.
o Covering your mouth – it is an unconscious gesture to hide what is being said. It could be just one finger or the whole hand.
o An abnormal shoulder shrug – usually only one shoulder comes up indicating that the speaker is not fully committed to what he’s saying.
o Touching the nose, ears or eyes. These are all pacifying gestures – unconscious self-touching to calm or comfort in a stressful situation. Maybe the person feels judged or is scared of the reaction to his words. Or he might be highly uncomfortable because he is lying.
o Pulling at the collar – a more common cue with men for obvious reasons. Woman might start playing with a necklace.
o Greater eye contact – contrary to popular believe, good liars will look you in the eye and say, “It wasn’t me.”
o Contrasting head movement – saying, “I don’t know how the car got scratched!” while slightly nodding your head.
o General disharmony in words and body language – calmly telling a story, in detail, but hands are shaking, often hidden under a table.
Remember to read everything in context!!!
So… which is your ‘tell’. Do you immediately reach for your earlobe when you lie? Do you rub the corners of your mouth? Do you touch your neck? Do you know someone with a definite tell? A twitchy lip?
As much as we would like to claim to be totally honest, it is simply not possible. We all lie - white lies, small lies, innocent lies, protective lies, HUGE lies. It's part of our social interaction.
A friend told me last week that she’s now at chapter 8 of The Gauguin Connection and she’s wondering how much of me is in Genevieve. As a writer there is always a little bit of me in all my characters. What I did tell my friend was that the one thing I love about Genevieve (and envy her for it) is her black and white approach to life.
Genevieve calls a spade a spade (much to Manny’s annoyance) and never plays word games. She doesn’t play any kind of game for that matter. With her everything is black and white. Simple. I wish life did not consist of me, while in conversation, narrowing my eyes just knowing that the person across from me said one thing, but meant something completely different. But if we did speak in all honesty we might land up being extremely lonely and/or in jail!!
So… how can we tell when someone is lying? Are there dead give-aways? One specific ‘tell’ that will clue you in?
Sadly, no. In all my research and studies one recurring theme popped up – context! We express emotions in clusters. Just because I’m touching my ear doesn’t mean I’m telling a whopper. It could mean that my fabulous earrings are too heavy. As a nonverbal cue it could mean that I am uncomfortable telling you some sensitive information. Not only the topic, context and environment need to be taken into consideration, but also the entirety of my body language.
Enough blathering! Here is a list of common nonverbal cues that could make you listen more closely and ask a few more questions:
o Lack of hand and arm movement – in comfortable conversation we emphasise our stories with gestures. These still when we’re fibbing.
o Covering your mouth – it is an unconscious gesture to hide what is being said. It could be just one finger or the whole hand.
o An abnormal shoulder shrug – usually only one shoulder comes up indicating that the speaker is not fully committed to what he’s saying.
o Touching the nose, ears or eyes. These are all pacifying gestures – unconscious self-touching to calm or comfort in a stressful situation. Maybe the person feels judged or is scared of the reaction to his words. Or he might be highly uncomfortable because he is lying.
o Pulling at the collar – a more common cue with men for obvious reasons. Woman might start playing with a necklace.
o Greater eye contact – contrary to popular believe, good liars will look you in the eye and say, “It wasn’t me.”
o Contrasting head movement – saying, “I don’t know how the car got scratched!” while slightly nodding your head.
o General disharmony in words and body language – calmly telling a story, in detail, but hands are shaking, often hidden under a table.
Remember to read everything in context!!!
So… which is your ‘tell’. Do you immediately reach for your earlobe when you lie? Do you rub the corners of your mouth? Do you touch your neck? Do you know someone with a definite tell? A twitchy lip?
Spotting the LIES!!
On any given day we're lied to from 10 to 200 times, and the clues to detect those lies can be subtle and counter-intuitive. Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, shows the manners and "hotspots" used by those trained to recognize deception -- and she argues honesty is a value worth preserving. Below is a link to the TED video.
How To Spot A Liar
The video is 20 minutes long, so it is a wee bit on the long side, but completely worth it. Really interesting and highly recommended!
How To Spot A Liar
The video is 20 minutes long, so it is a wee bit on the long side, but completely worth it. Really interesting and highly recommended!
