Pat Hatt's Blog, page 167

May Not Be A Piece Of Cake To Give It A Shake!

The cat was out and about when he heard a shout. Hey, how are you, or some typical crap came due. But we won't go with that today, been there done that at my bay.

There you are,
At work, home or bar,
Or somewhere in between,
It does not matter the scene.

And you meet another,
Friend, stranger, brother.
It does not matter at all,
As they give a call.

I suppose it might matter,
If you want their head on a platter.
But let's skip the gruesome today.
On with it you say? Okay!

Words are said,
A nod of the head.
This and that,
Then it comes stat.

That nasty hand shake.
Makes my ocd quake.
Germs galore,
Are usually in store.

Nasty public bathroom users,
Or no soap using abusers.
Just think about that.
A pissy hand shake at your mat.

Anyway, they go another way.
This, that and the other thing at play.
Can't they just do one germ spread?
Nope, they shake until their hand is dead.

They hold hard and shake,
As they act all fake.
They shake up and down and all around.
It is worse than a hound.

They slap this way and that,
Looking like a dingbat.
They shake and then slap.
Is it some kind of trap?

They fist bump too.
I really have no clue.
But at least they don't hug,
Do that and the cat would slap you in your germy mug.

Are you one of those 50 hand shake people at your sea? You have to shake, slap and twist and shout with glee? Kind of like hand foreplay. I suppose if you want to get all handsy at your bay. So as you hand shake 50 ways and spread the germs in mass, just stay away from my non hand shaking little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.

Just Ducky To Be Happy Go Lucky!

Don't you love the fakers out there? They have been seen at your lair. The fakers who play sick so they can get welfare some slick, or what have you, leaving the ones that are true a big screw you. But those are creeps indeed. What about the fake happy people taking seed?

Put on a smile,
At the turn of a dial.
A simple tone,
As you grab the phone.

Polite as can be.
Can't see me.
So polite is great.
A fine trait.

Phone is easy.
Then they get cheesy.
The face to face,
Gives you a fake embrace.

Oh how are you?
That is great, they moo.
What can I do for you?
When they know what's coming due.

Or at least what they will try,
To spy with their little eye.
You should come in and see.
I'm sure we have something for thee.

We are the best ever.
This is a great endeavor.
You should really join.
Just give a little coin.

Oh wouldn't this look good on you?
Come on, you just have to buy two.
Look at that mirror.
Your shine couldn't be clearer.

I'm so happy for you.
Wait, you need this too.
Have one of these.
Buy whatever you please.

I'm so happy for you.
Wait, that's not true.
I really want you to sink,
So I'll look better at my rink.

Pffft I didn't think that.
I'm so happy I'm fat.
Wait, I'm happy you're fat.
It gives me an upper stat.

Isn't that grand? Know any happy fakers in your land? They either want to take your money or are hoping you end up looking funny. I'd rather just take sass. Yet another observation from my little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.

Are You Ever If You Are Clever?

So the cat is here to talk about lost today. Nope, not the show with the crappy ending on some funky island in the bay. The cat is getting lost. Don't worry, nothing is tossed.

Lost you say,
There at your bay.
Or is it my bay?
Lost yet with what I say?

Lost in the city,
Isn't it a pity.
Lost in the woods,
Beats violent hoods.

Of course instead of beaten,
You could get eaten.
If no orange is on,
You can get shot at either lawn.

What? You are lost?
What's it going to cost?
Just a few brain cells.
Who gives a hells bells.

Oh so lost now.
You can't even meow.
So you have a cow.
You humans can really wow.

Lost at sea.
Lost with nowhere to pee.
That has to be rough.
Being lost is some tough.

Lost in your head?
Beats being dead.
Or the undead,
Then off with your head.

Look you've been found.
Look it's the ground.
What, you're still lost?
Do brain cells cost?

Maybe you could buy a few.
They'd be brand new.
Recover what was lost.
Don't you hate being bossed?

Lost you were not.
Don't suffer brain rot.
Unless you are in some strange place,
Lost isn't an embrace.

You humans throw around lost way to easy at your sea. Why? Beats the heck out of me. Lost is when you have no idea where you are. Otherwise, you are not lost in your car. You may not be able to find what you are looking for. But you can turn around and go back to your shore. That is not lost at all. So ends my lost call. The cat is done with his lost sass, now I'll go get lost with my little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.

A Computer Won't Hiss But You'll Lose Your Bliss!

Back to help you humans out once more here at my shore. Did you know your computer never gets offended? Well if Skynet comes that may have to be amended. But be sure you use the word computer when you speak or things could go quickly up the creek.

That model is out of date.
You may not have a fun fate.
A kick to the nether regions maybe?
Or pitched into the sea.

I thought you said this was hard?
Could send one walking across the yard.
Of course you meant computer stuff.
But you just created a huff.

Is that some sort of virus in there?
Could raise plenty of neck hair.
People will head for the hills.
No one will get any thrills.

I need to run a virus scan.
That won't win you a fan.
Be heaved in the ditch,
But at least you won't itch.

Your firmware is out of date.
Could offend your mate.
If they take it as clothes,
Or maybe some other woes.

I think you need a quick upload.
Could bring forth hate mode.
So watch your back,
For an impending attack.

Is it asking for a verification code?
Could set off weirdo mode.
Or maybe there is a lock somewhere.
What do I know at my lair.

I did a search but I can't find anything.
A sure fire blow to the ego at one's wing.
Maybe it is all the stress.
That 9-5 can leave you in a mess.

These things get smaller every year.
That sure won't get you a cheer.
May send one for beer,
Could even shed a tear.

Press here and win!
Yeah, you may not get sin.
May get a good kick.
Be careful what you pick.

There you are once more, some helpful advice from my shore. Just make sure to use the right word choice and then you will rejoice. Choose the wrong one and so ends any fun. You will at the very least get sass. Trust my little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.

What Did I Do Right In View!

Here is what I did today. What? You don't believe I went to the future and back at my bay? Pfffft I can do it with ease and whenever I please. What Did I Do and not What I Did, see the cat flipped Betsy's on its lid.


I let loose a stink,That brought all to the brink.They booed the cat,Then fell over, splat.

I even knocked out a witch.My stink made her twitch.That Catality guy took all the fame.But it was really my claim.

 They hired a ghost to stop my spree.Who are they? Beats me.They even tried to claim it was a skunk.But not even they can beat my funk.

They hired a big cat too.He sure has a nice view.He warned the lizard not to rat me out.Cats hold such clout.

Not even Truedessa and her magic,Can top something so tragic.But mine can't sparkle at least.There she has beaten this beast.
 
The bug eyed creep thought he'd get paid.But I ended his raid.Catality clawed his back.Score another for the cat shack.

He just watched from above.The smell he didn't love.All gasped for air below.They couldn't handle my glow.

The clown beat a bee.Why? Sure beats me.Maybe it was my stink.He just posed with a wink.
 
These four all stayed in place.It even brought a smile to their face.I guess a gawker ape and an old one eye,Likes it under my stink cloud sky.

I jumped out with a Tada and dance.All gave me a little glance.Then they all keeled over. I guess I'll have to go play with rover.
Now how was that for a day? What? I did a little promotion at my bay? Pffft, no that really happened to me. I went on such a spree. Fine, don't believe in my gas and instead just go buy a book from my little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.

This, This, That And That Confuses The Cat!

The cat watches from afar as some big day happens near his sand bar, meaning at that other sea with the mutts and each kitty. That aunt, who Cassie and I run away from, is going all married. In this that and the other thing she seems to be buried.

Oh this is bliss,
Spend money on this.
That is grand.
Costs that much across the land.

Has to be this way.
Has to have that display.
Have to go like this.
That you can't miss.

Have to because that is the way.
Have to because I saw it the other day.
Have to because of this and that.
Have to shout like a dingbat.

Jump up and down.
Go to crazy town.
Spend this and that.
No wonder Cassie and I scat.

Crazy person indeed.
Glad we stay at our feed,
And far far away from there.
Rather take the mutts at the other lair.

Won't take the cat's advice,
And elope for a cheap price.
Nope, has to be this and that.
So broke way more than flat.

Worth it in the end?
A so called must trend.
Have to have this and that.
Have to have to, stat!

One whole day.
Years later will seem far away.
For all that pay,
Could buy a new bay.

Plus divorce rate is high.
What? It's not a lie.
Yeah, I'm not a cheery cat.
We will blame, Pat.

So need this, that and the other thing,
For bells everywhere to ring?
Or is my plan of eloping the best?
I know, the cat beats all the rest.

The cat is so glad he doesn't have to do anything for it. Damn, I think my ocd would have a fit. Cassie and I will run under the bed and just rest our head. We will wait for all the other commotion to pass. Although still months away for such rest for my little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.

Cattitude From A Cat, How About That!

So the cat felt like sticking his tongue out at you all today, at least all of those that hit play. A tongue you will see and it is directed at thee. Don't believe me? Just watch and see. Maybe it was at Old One Eye more. But at least no ninja wannabes got stuck in the litter this time at my shore. Cattitude is much like attitude for those that are slow. Hey, I just want you to be in the know.



Life is like a hurricane here in cat land,Slaves, treats, toys and a cat stand.Might get a whack to the head,Or get kicked out of your bed.
That's Cattitude! Meow!Everyday you get some,Cattitude! Meow!Feeding, brushing, waking, scooping,And still there's cattitude, meow!
Look out behind you.There is a cat out to find you.With fresh scratches on your legs you've been dealt
Cattitude! Meow!Everyday you get some,Cattitude! Meow!Feeding, brushing, waking, scooping,And still there's cattitude, meow!
Not dog-itude or spouse-itude, noCattitude! Meow!
And there you are. Another video from us at our sand bar. I even took you on a quick tour of our shrimpy spot. Running room, there isn't a lot. But the cat makes due and jumps on Pat at our zoo. Enjoy the cattitude that came to pass? Either way, it was fun for my little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.

Got A Hair To Spare?

So every once in a while Pat will whine and blame the feline. Yeah, that is nothing new. Humans have such a loose screw. He will clean away yet still find cat hair at our bay.

A little hair here,
A little hair there.
From my rhyming rear,
Plenty to spare.

Clean the place,
Clean every spot.
Stop the hair embrace,
You have not.

There is hair in the vent,
That was Cassie's fault.
There is hair in the cat tent,
Hey, it is our vault.

There is hair in the fridge.
You should keep it closed.
There is enough hair to make a bridge,
Trying to make a hair monster that posed.

There is hair on the TV.
But that you can see.
Hair on the cat tree.
And you're complaining to me?

There is hair in the lamp.
I guess it wasn't that high after all.
Hair in the bathtub is damp.
I hop in after running down the hall.

Hair in the plug socket.
Now that took skill.
I had to send it like a rocket,
Using pure cat will.

Hair between the sheets.
You need them tighter.
Or just go hit the streets,
At least my hair is lighter.

Hair on the mirror.
That was just for you.
So you could see less clearer,
The hair stuck to you.

Then hair up your nose.
That has to smell great.
Why are you striking a pose?
Sneezing is such a sad fate.

Found cat hair anywhere fun as you give cleaning a run? I've seen it on a plate. That has to be a nasty fate. Pat really doesn't care a ton as it is like dust, will always be on the run. But funny to see where it lands, those hair strands. Now I must go drop hair in mass and grow some new strands on my little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.

As You Take A Whiff It Probably Is If!

So the cat sees one and all. I see everything that goes on at my hall. You humans seem to not see it though. But after this, you will see it high and low.

Humans are in shock!
Bad news decides to dock.
There it will reside.
It changes the tide.

Like they could not see,
Bad news is on a spree.
Are they blind?
Just follow my behind.

The phone rings late at night.
Prank call it just might.
But not likely I'd say.
Usually means bad news is on the way.

So let it ring and sleep.
Can wait until you are wide awake at your keep.
Has been known to mean someone is dead.
Can't do much if they already lost their head.

Get called in out of the blue,
There at your 9-5 work zoo.
Yeah, a big promotion for you.
Whoopsy, to you they bid adieu.

You really didn't see that coming?
Now out you go to drumming.
Well hopefully not that bad.
But still, time to find a new work pad.

The car starts to make noise.
Bah, just some type of joys.
The car is sure a rocking.
So just don't go a knocking.

Oopsy, the car breaks down.
Now you are stuck in Deliverance town.
If you hear banjos, run and run fast.
You don't want to become part of that cast.

Get called to the front.
You squirm up like a runt.
Look you got a big F on the test.
Damn, you are just the best.

Feel like crap all day.
Weeks on end at your bay.
Expect good news when they call?
Nope, you've got worms big, fat and tall.

Geez, you humans can't tell bad news is going to come. Trying to pretend so things aren't glum? The cat would rather just fess up to it and get it fixed. Then no need for things to get nixed. Stole that title from yesterday's rhyming pass, but that is good news from my little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.

Plans Aren't Nixed For It Is Fixed!

So you need a quick fix? There are many tricks. Some are great, some are bad. But each show a creative trait at many a pad. Sadly all of these have been done as the cat pokes fun.

Car hood won't stay down,
As you drive across town?
Put suspenders on it.
You'll sure be a hit.

Your car has no AC?
You can fix that easy.
Roll down the window and stick one in.
Instant AC and instant win.

Bench legs are broke?
No need to choke.
Shove a paint can or two under it.
It can easily be used to sit.

Street light fell off?
No need to scoff.
Duct tape it to the post.
Still works from coast to coast.

Parking garage column begins to crack.
It won't fall down with a clackity clack.
Wrap it in bubble wrap.
That will stop it from being a death trap.

Can't find a way to get the AC hose outside?
Throw away that thing they call pride.
Just shove it right through the window.
Who needs glass anyway to show?

Your poor mailbox broke?
Just follow another bloke.
Wrap it in duct tape from head to toe.
Does it have a toe? Damned if I know.

A hose under the hood snapped?
Don't go to a dealership and get trapped.
Get a pringle can and tape it on the end.
I wonder if that is a growing trend?

Got a boat and a gate?
Smash the gate to no hate.
Then run the boat right in.
Sit back and consider it a win.

House falling apart?
Don't get a heavy heart.
Just put up plywood all around it.
Your neighbors are sure to find you a hit.

There you are at your sand bar. Now you can be like these folks and their fixes that came due. Warning, they may not work correctly for you. But I guess the redneck way is worth a try, just don't poke out an eye. Yep, all of these have come to pass by you human class. I may get better advice from a singing bass. It all sure beats my little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.