Dave Barry's Blog, page 146

OLD HABITS DIE HARD

The findings of a new study, published Wednesday in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B, suggest that masturbation is actually a long-possessed trait of humanity's primate predecessors, predating us by at least tens of millions of years.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Matt F.)

BECAUSE OF OUR STRICT POLICY

This item cannot be shared.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CRIME WAVE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

11:53 a.m. A man lying on his back in front of a restaurant was just looking at the sky.

3:24 p.m. A family with a history of blowing up beaver dams was accused of blowing up more beaver dams.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Roberto)

UPDATE FROM SCHMANCE

A hamburger here costs $3,847.50. The sign outside says "Plusieurs Dizaines Vendues ("Several Dozen Sold").

This is the famous Louvre Museum. We were unable to get inside because it is protected from tourists by a dense throng of cars traveling around the perimeter at thousands of hectares per hour.

 

UPDATE FROM SCHMANCE

Schmance has a unique cuisine that is renowned around the world for being famous. Here we are at a restaurant called "Le Grand Garcon de Bob" that is known for serving a hamburger the size of a flotation device. It was a real culinary treat -- or, as the locals say, "All the water is marching."

They also have sports here featuring great American athletes from the 1970s. Despite looking like the Ghost of Christmas Past wearing shorts, John McEnroe (in blue) is still a formidable force on the tennis court. Moments after this photo was taken he decked both of the opposing players and the umpire.

 

IS THAT A MARMOT IN YOUR ENGINE OR...

Bouchard was surprised when he opened up the hood.
"Because there's a big marmot right there sitting on my engine just looking at me, happy just being there," he said.

(Thanks to Stan)

WHEN THE BLOG RETURNS FROM SHMANCE

Cheez-it themed rest stop opens in California for limited time 

(Thanks to John Lobert)

UPDATE FROM SCHMANCE

Chess is a popular spectator sport here, although they play a somewhat different version.

This friendly gentleman welcomes visitors to join him in a fun game involving cups and a ball. Many people enjoy it so much that afterward they give him money.

 To insure public safety, everything is prohibited.

Schmance contains many square feet of art. You can go to a museum and take photos of famous old paintings, then admire them later on your phone, just as the artists intended.

The locals claim that there is a famous tourist attraction around here somewhere, but we were unable to locate it.

 

UPDATE FROM SCHMANCE

Don't you hate it when you have to go to one place to buy products for your capillaires, and a different place to buy products for your ongles? Here you can find these things in one location. It's really convenient -- or, as the locals say, "All the water is marching."

[image error]

Also, they have erected giant Olympic rings in front of this building to symbolize the fact that the Olympics are coming. The rings are flanked by giant banners with winking emojis to symbolize the fact that they are just kidding about the Olympics. 

SPEAKING OF DUCKS

Deputies accuse man of using Nintendo 'Duck Hunt' pistol during robbery 

(Thanks to Steve K. and The Perts)