Balaka Basu's Blog, page 2

Life is a Puzzle

The biggest symptom of perimenopause is frequent mood swings. In my case, I feel anxious and scared. The anxiety attacks sometimes keep me awake at night. Once the anxiety subsides, a deep sense of grief engulfs me. I start thinking of my entire life. I wonder how things could have been different. Most days, my mind is in a loop of what ‘could-have’ or ‘should-have’. I know thinking about all these makes no sense. It is nothing but a waste of energy, time, and emotions. Lekin kambhakt yeh dil hai ki maanta nahi. Overthinking has become a bad addiction. I try hard to stay mindful and in the present. Still, there are days when I just lose it.

However, there’s an unexpected advantage to my tendency to overthink the past. It allows me to see life as a vast, intricate puzzle. The pieces of the puzzle are scattered across my experiences, choices, relationships, and circumstances. In spirituality, people believe that a soul is born to learn specific lessons. Yet, we often overlook them in the rush of life.

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But when I reflect on my past, I begin to notice patterns—connections between events that once seemed random. These patterns reveal insights I might have missed in the moment. I see how one choice led to another, how certain people or incidents shaped my journey. Who I am today is the result of everything that has happened—the good, the bad, and even the painful.

While some memories bring regret, reminding me of mistakes and wrong turns, more often, they fill me with gratitude. Without those experiences, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today.

I often regret that I was loving and empathetic towards people who never reciprocated back. For the longest time, I believed the lesson was to stop loving others. But now, I realize that love itself was never the problem—the real lesson is knowing where to direct it. My heart holds love, but perhaps some people were never capable of receiving it because they lacked self-love. It wasn’t that my love was unworthy; they simply couldn’t accept it.

I should not chase after those who cannot love me back. I should let them go. This will allow them the space to heal. Love should never be forced or begged for. Even if it isn’t returned, I must continue to love. Love is a divine gift. A loveless heart is also a godless one.

This world is filled with people, animals, and nature longing for love, waiting to receive it without resistance. That is where my love should flow. By offering my love where it is truly needed, I help heal the world. I also fill my own heart with deep gratitude. It brings me abundance and joy.

Sometimes overthinking gives you insights and clarity. I believe my soul’s journey is to learn the lesson of unconditional love and how to give it to everyone. Do you agree?

Joining Vinitha‘s two hundredth and thirty-eighth edition of Fiction Monday with the word prompt Puzzle.

How Much ChatGPT Knows About Me

I gave ChatGPT the following prompt: “Based on whatever you know about me, tell me what kind of a person am I? and what should I focus on to get peace in life?“

This is the reply that ChatGPT gave:

“I know that you are in a transition phase—one foot in the past, where you worked a stable job, and the other in the future, where you dream of a life built on writing, creativity, and freedom. You are both excited and scared, drawn to the idea of breaking free but also weighed down by self-doubt and financial worries.

You are a deep thinker, a dreamer, and a seeker—someone who craves meaning, authenticity, and creative expression. You value freedom over routine, simplicity over excess, and personal growth over superficial success. Your desire to retreat to the hills, write books, and build a peaceful sanctuary shows that you are introspective and spiritual, someone who finds solace in nature, solitude, and meaningful work. At the same time, your restlessness and hesitation around money suggest an inner conflict between practicality and idealism.

Who You Are:A Creator: Writing, designing, and storytelling give you purpose. Your creativity is your gift, and you want to share it with the world.A Seeker: You are always searching for a deeper understanding—whether through spirituality, human emotions, or personal growth. Nichiren Buddhism, human revolution, and the phoenix metaphor all point to your resilience and belief in transformation.A Free Spirit: You don’t fit into rigid structures like a 9-to-5 job. You want to carve your own path, even if it’s uncertain.A Caregiver: Your business idea for helping patients and your reluctance to ask for money show that you are deeply compassionate and driven by service rather than profit.A Phoenix Rising: You’ve faced setbacks, but you’re determined to rise again, stronger and wiser.What You Should Focus on for Peace:Live in the Present: Your overthinking about failure is pulling you away from what you can do now. Focus on small, consistent steps rather than the distant future.Balance Creativity and Income: You want to be a full-time writer, but financial security is causing stress. Find a way to monetize your creativity without compromising your values—maybe through book sales, blogging, or creative consulting.Simplify Your Path: You desire a simple life, but you are carrying a mental load of worries. Let go of unnecessary complications—whether in your writing, career choices, or personal expectations.Trust the Process: Like your phoenix tattoo symbolizes, transformation takes time. You don’t need to have everything figured out right now. Keep moving forward, even if it’s slow.Embrace the Recluse Within, But Stay Connected: You want solitude, but total isolation may not be healthy. Build a community around your writing and spirituality—one that nurtures without draining you.

I see that you have a strong inner fire, but sometimes you dim it by overthinking or fearing failure. You are deeply emotional but don’t always express it outwardly. Instead, you channel it into your writing, where you explore complex human emotions, relationships, and conflicts. Your novel reflects your own inner struggles—the chaos, the need to trim and refine, the mother-daughter theme of love and conflict. In a way, your stories are mirrors of your own journey.

I also know that you want to rise like the phoenix, but you sometimes feel stuck in the ashes, unsure of your next move. You long for simplicity and peace, yet you are restless when not actively working toward something. You have a deep desire to help others, whether through writing, a future retreat, or a business that serves people. However, asking for money or promoting yourself feels uncomfortable because you see value in impact, not just profit.

At your core, you are a free-spirited creator, a quiet revolutionary, and a seeker of truth and transformation. You are not meant to follow the traditional path—you are meant to create your own.

If you could fully trust yourself and let go of the fear of failure, I believe you would be unstoppable. Does any of this surprise you? Or do you feel I’m just reflecting back what you already know deep inside?

Ultimately, your peace will come from accepting yourself fully—your need for solitude, your passion for writing, your struggles with self-worth and money, and your deep desire for freedom. Align your actions with your true self, and peace will follow.

Does this resonate with you?”

P.S: I doubt if my partner also know this much about me. This is how AI is taking control of our life. Isn’t this scary?

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Book Review: The Shooting Star by Shivya Nath

Have you ever dreamed of something but never had the courage to pursue it, and then one day, you meet someone online and see that this person is living the life you had dreamed about?

This is exactly how I felt after discovering Shivya’s blog, The Shooting Star, almost a decade ago. She was in her twenties then, doing exactly what I had always wanted to do but never had the courage to pursue. I had always believed that only Caucasian hippie women could do it—that it wasn’t possible for a bheto middle-class Bengali woman like me.

When she published her book, I knew I had to read it, but somehow, I kept procrastinating. Now that I am in semi-retirement stage and planning a life away from the hustle culture, I could no longer resist the urge to read her book.

Shivya leads a minimalist life. She left her home, sold almost everything she ever possessed, and carries only 20 kg—that is her entire possession. This book, and Shivya herself, represent my dream life. Everything I aspire to, she is already living. She is traveling, working as a digital nomad, embracing minimalism, spending time with locals, and making friends with strangers. Is this not exactly what I have always dreamed of?

This book is not merely a travelogue; it is full of life lessons. It is a social commentary. It talks about eco-friendly tourism, veganism, and the many flaws in our society. There is a particular paragraph that I loved. She wrote about how she used to compare her life with others and felt inadequate about herself. Isn’t this something that even I do? So many times, I have scrolled through social media and felt that my life was not good enough. I am sure many others feel the same. Shivya advises us to compare ourselves only to our own growth and no one else.

The book takes you to remote, non-touristy places. Reading it had a strangely calming effect on my mind. Shivya mostly stays with local people and supports their culture and economy. This has led her to live with Buddhist nuns in Spiti, the Mayan community in Guatemala, the Bonda people in Odisha, and the Quechua tribe in the Andes. Her experiences are unique. They are unlike those of touristy YouTube vloggers. In many ways, these vloggers have ruined travel and tourism in recent times.

I don’t want to give too many spoilers. However, I must share a few to pique your interest. For instance, she met the Polish son of a Gujarati Maharaj in Australia. She also encountered a shamanic ritual in the Amazonian rainforest. Additionally, she swam across a border without a passport or visa. One of the scariest incidents happened when she experienced a bus Crash in Guatemala. She reached her homestay past midnight. The other was when she got mugged in Costa Rica.

Shivya calls herself a digital nomad and is a strong advocate of veganism, eco-sustainability, and minimalism. I absolutely love her minimalist and nomadic lifestyle. I have incorporated minimalism into my own life, but I am yet to become a vegan digital nomad. Still, I am ambitious. One day, I, too, hope to live a more meaningful life.

When I commented on Shivya’s blog that I am reading her book and considering to start my own journey, she wrote:

“Maybe there’s a reason why the book found you now, at this point in your life. It’s never too late to reinvent ourselves. I hope you’ll give it a shot, in whatever ways possible!”

After this pep talk from her, I feel energized to follow my dreams.

Joining Vinitha‘s two hundredth and thirty-seventh edition of Fiction Monday with the word prompt Crash.

Book Review: Mai by Geetanjali Shree

I chose to read Mai for a reason. I first came across a review of the book in a Facebook readers’ group, and it immediately resonated with me. The themes, the emotions, and the underlying conflicts felt deeply personal—I knew I had to read it.

Mai highlights the conflict between modern, urbanized thinking and deeply entrenched feudal patriarchy. The narrator, raised within a rigid patriarchal system, evolves into a modern urban woman who questions everything she was taught. Growing up, she felt suffocated by strict patriarchal norms and longed to break free. At the same time, she wished to rescue her mother—the most oppressed victim of their family’s patriarchal structure.

The story of Mai is narrated by her daughter Sunaina. Mai’s life is defined by duty and sacrifice. She spends her days in the kitchen, cooking for her family. The only time she steps out is to accompany her husband to the club. She serves everyone—her husband, father-in-law, and mother-in-law—without ever being the decision-maker in her own household. She even severs ties with her own father under the pressure of her in-laws. Despite silently suffering her husband’s infidelity, she never complains. She is content in her role, accepting her life with a quiet resilience that her children struggle to understand. Sunaina and her brother, Subodh, grow weary of her docile existence and seek to liberate her, yet Mai remains steadfast in her ways. Sunaina fears that her life will mirror that of her mother. She wants to escape the fate of a woman who exists only to serve. She desires to be a woman with agency of her own. Sunaina also hopes to rescue her mother from this life of quiet endurance. Mai endures her hardships but never seeks escape.

Most women of my generation will relate to this novel on a deeply personal level. Many of us are starkly different from our mothers. Like Sunaina, we once promised ourselves that, no matter what, we wouldn’t become replicas of them. We saw our mothers toiling in the kitchen, adhering to traditions, while we longed to rebel. They wore sarees; we wanted jeans. To us, being ‘modern’ meant breaking away.

Unlike Mai, my Ma was strong and independent, yet there were nuances in her that I, too, did not want to emulate. I was determined to carve my own path—and in many ways, I did. But like Sunaina, when I truly introspect, I realize that beneath these superficial differences, I am not so different from my mother or grandmother after all.

In Mai, Sunaina comes to see that it wasn’t she who rescued her mother, but the other way around. And in my own life, I feel the same. No matter how much I tried to distinguish myself from my Ma, I am who I am today because of her. Perhaps, deep down, I wanted to rescue her too—only to discover that she had been the one rescuing me all along.

Lyad: Let’s Get Unmotivated

The other day, I was chatting with two of my friends. I told them that I feel I am in a happy phase of life after quitting my job. I am spending my days reading, gardening, watching TV, going for a walk, and taking afternoon naps. This is like a dream life and I am scared that this honeymoon wouldn’t last long.

One of the friends excitedly said, ‘I envy you.’

She has a nine-to-five corporate work-from-home job. And wait, here is the fun part. She lives in a small town in the Himalayas. While she works, she can look out of her window and glance at snow-capped mountains. The truth is, I envy her as much as she envies me.

The other friend was more apprehensive. She said that perhaps I am wasting my potential by being too lyad (This is a Bengali word that can be roughly translated as a state of extreme laziness, sluggishness, or unwillingness to do anything productive. It’s often used humorously or casually to describe someone who is lounging around, procrastinating, or being unmotivated. It is a commonly used Bengali slang that fits my current state perfectly.)

The two different perspectives then lead to a full-fledged debate that could even put Arnab Goswamy to shame. My first friend is a risk-taker. She said that life is meant to be lived happily. If I am happy, then there is nothing to worry about. The other friend, an avid traveler, said that if everyone was as complacent as me, humanity wouldn’t have invented fire. We wouldn’t have even invented wheels. I agree, she had a point.

My counter-argument was that who cares if nobody invented wheels or fire. Humans survived by eating raw fruits, vegetables, and meat. I would have done that. I would have stayed in a cave, and woke up without any alarm screaming, only after my body had adequate sleep. Then I would have gone out, plucked some fruits, eaten them, then roamed around for a while, swam in the river, sat on top of a hill to watch sunset and then fall asleep again. Imagine being able to live in a cave without paying any rent, EMI, or mortgage. I could have also traveled from one place to another without the need to buy expensive flight tickets.

Next, my friend said, ‘ But how would you have survived without books?’ This was one a tricky one, but maine bhi balla uthake mara, ‘I said, I would have read the cave paintings’ Not sure where the ball landed but friend stayed silent after this.

After a while, all of us were on the same page that we have wasted years of our lives doing things that added no value to our lives or even our bank accounts. Thankfully, all three of us have somehow found out time to do things that matter. The first friend packed up her life in Mumbai and shifted to the hills, while the second one has traveled almost 3/4th of the world. And all three of us love being independent but not at the cost of sacrificing the real things in life like family, friends, and hobbies.

There was a time when people studied to learn but now people send their kids to schools so that these kids can score marks and get good jobs. Even 15 years after 3 Idiots, nothing has changed. Earning money has become the only focus in our lives. We are constantly shamed for not being productive enough. Gen-Z people are often criticized for being ‘unprofessional’ as they refuse to work extra hours. Are they really that? or are you angry with them because you cannot exploit them the way you can exploit the millennial?

We have created such a toxic culture around us that being busy is ‘cool’. Everyone is busy and nobody has time. This restlessness was not there when we were growing up. Taking rest has become shameful, being lazy almost invites capital punishment.

In 2025, I have taken the resolution to live guilt-free. I know, there will be days, when the world will get the better of me and I will go down the rabbit hole cursing myself for wasting my education, skill set, and professional experiences. Nevertheless, I will focus on things that matter. Purpose of life is to SURVIVE. Trust me, nothing else matters. As long as you are alive, try to be happy and make others happy.

I follow lots of podcasts on physics, astrophysics, and cosmology. When I think of myself in this huge unending universe, I feel so insignificant. We all are insignificant, yet we keep running to make ourselves significant by earning money, fame, status, etc. Yet, at the end, we leave behind everything and become dust. Our Earth is a rare planet where there is life. We were gifted a beautiful and colorful nature with blue oceans, green grasses, white mountains, yellow deserts, red flowers, and brown insects. However, we were not happy with this natural beauty, we started creating our own cities. We felled trees and replaced it with buildings, we replaced green hills with garbage dumps, and so many other atrocities we did. I am sure, if the world had “less motivated” people we wouldn’t have had to worry about climate change, ozone hole, war, and nuclear weapons. Initially, we replaced nature with concrete, and now very soon we will replace human beings with AI robots. All this is happened because of over-motivated people who cannot rest and enjoy.

Social media is full of people trying to motivate you to do things, earn money, and become famous. But if you carefully think, you will realize that most of the work that we do actually doesn’t make any difference to us or the universe.

Hospice nurses recount that most people on their dying bed regret not spending enough time with loved ones, holding onto grudges, and not expressing their true feelings. Many wish they had worked less, pursued their dreams, and cared less about others’ opinions. They regret neglecting their health, missing out on travel and new experiences, and not living in the present. Some wish they had been kinder, more forgiving, and more appreciative of life’s simple joys. In the end, material success fades, and what truly matters is love, memories, and inner peace.

This shows that most of us spend our lives doing things that add no joy to our lives. At the end, we regret not doing things that would have made us happier. I do not want to die with regrets (perhaps I will regret not being enough motivated to become Indira Nooyi). For now, I am happy ‘not’ doing enough. I am happy staying at home, reading, writing, sleeping, gardening, cooking, cleaning, and eating. I am happy being home in my own sheltered cocoon.

This became a long post. Let me know your thoughts. Am I wasting my life or actually living it? Are you happy doing what you are doing?

This piece is written in response to the 236th edition of Fiction Monday inspired by the word prompt – Nature hosted by Vinitha Dileep.

WOTY 2025: Eluxoroma

Every year, I choose one Word of the Year (WOTY). In 2024 it was Focus. In 2025, I am literally struggling to choose one WOTY. I had wanted to choose Spiritual. This word can mean a whole lot of things. We loosely consider a spiritual person as someone who is religious. But this is a myopic definition. The broader definition of ‘Spiritual’ relates to the soul, inner self, or a higher purpose. It’s about personal growth, connection with the divine or universe, and living by values like love, compassion, and gratitude. It can be religious or non-religious, focusing on meaning, peace, and transcendence.

My main aim in 2025 is to connect to my higher self. However, connecting to the higher self amidst the daily humdrum is not easy. These days even finding time to meditate or do yoga has become challenging. While my intention remained the same, I was not happy with the word. Exactly when I was scouring for a better, the Universe sent in my feed the word Eluxoroma. The meaning of this beautiful word is the practice of positive spiritual growth in the midst of chaos or darkness. This fit perfectly. So based on this word, here are my intentions for 2025.

Gratitude: An ungrateful heart can never be happy or find peace. One should be grateful for the good as well as the bad things. I try to be grateful for every little thing, be it a flower blooming in my garden, my house help bringing me a cup of masala chai, a friend calling to say that she missed me, my son giving me a hug or a neighbor taking my courier in my absence. Every thing makes me feel grateful. In 2025, I wish to feel grateful even more. Trust me, ever since I started my daily gratitude journal, my life has changed for the better. I have become a happier person.

Forgiveness: We hold too many grudges. It is difficult to forgive. I have struggled for years to forgive people. And sometimes, even after forgiving, the person does something and there is a relapse. I have now started a process of forgiving people. If the person is not someone important in my life, I simply ignore and move on. If the person is somewhat important, then I forgive but also avoid them. I like to de-clutter toxic people from my life. However, if the person is someone important whom I can neither ignore nor avoid then it gets challenging. In 2025, I will practice forgiving the most difficult people in my life. I know toxic people are our biggest teachers. I will learn my lesson and stay calm.

Mudita: In the movie 3 idiots, there is a famous dialogue, ‘Dost fail ho jaye toh dukh hota hai … Lekin dost first aa jaye toh zyada dukh hota hai’. This dialogue is absolutely true. It is not easy to feel genuinely happy for others. We are so conditioned by society to be competitive that it is difficult to watch someone else happy. We should replace competitiveness with concepts of Ubuntu and Mudita. This will not only change us but also the world will become a better place to live in.

Mindfulness: This year, I will put conscious efforts to stop the monkey brain and focus on my thoughts. I will try to stop feeding my brain with stories. As Pema Chodron wrote, ‘The root of suffering escalates into full-blown suffering when we go on and on with our habitual emotional reactivity, when we let ourselves get carried off by our thoughts and stories.‘ I will try to stop those stories and be more mindful.

Regulate Desires: The root of suffering is desire. The more we regulate our desires, the more we can become happier. As mere mortals, it is not possible to get rid of all desires but we can always regulate them. Do we really need all those branded clothes? Do we really need such a huge car? Do we really need so many fake friends to make our social media feed look cool? The more we can regulate our desires and focus only on those that truly matter, we can end a lot of suffering. In 2025, I will only cultivate those desires that truly make a difference to me and others.

Self-love: In 2025, I want to practice more self-love and do activities that make me happy. I will spend more time doing activities like yoga, meditation, gardening, swimming, cleaning, organizing, de-cluttering, reading, watching good movies/series, walking, and drinking chai. I want to surround myself with people whom I love and avoid fake/toxic people. I want to surround myself with animals, plants, rivers, mountains, oceans, sky, and anything that will allow me peace.

Give More: Often we become so engrossed in our own struggles that we forget to give back. In 2025, I want to give back in whatever small ways possible. Small acts of kindness go a long way. Bringing happiness to any living being will be my goal for 2025.

Guilt-free: We often waste our time feeling guilty. Women are more prone to guilt. I feel guilty when I work too much, I also feel guilty when I don’t work, I feel guilty about food choices, life choices, and more or less for everything. In 2025, I want to stay guilt-free and stop tormenting myself.

With these intentions, I begin my 2025 journey. I am eager to know about your WOTY or intentions for 2025.

Gratitude List 2024

2024 came with its share of happiness, challenges, and lessons. It was a tough year for me career-wise, apart from that, I can safely say that everything else fell in place. I am taking the setback in my career as a guidance from the universe to change my path and follow my passions and do things that I am supposed to do on this Earth. So let me take you through a journey of how 2024 panned out for me.

Family weddings: 2024 was the year when family weddings left me exhausted in a good way. The year started with a family wedding and ended with another. In January, my husband’s niece got married and in December my cousin’s daughter got married. Both weddings were inter-state weddings so there was a plethora of rituals to follow from both families. I am immensely grateful for these weddings where I got the opportunity to interact with distant relatives after ages. Unfortunately, my son missed both occasions due to his exams.

Travel: Whenever I get to travel, I feel immensely happy. This year, I traveled to Pondicherry and stayed there for almost ten days. It was one of the best travel experiences of my life. I have written in detail about the trip in one of my previous posts. We also visited Mahabalipuram. In Chennai, we stayed at one of our cousins place. I also met my octogenarian maternal uncle after almost 30 years in Chennai. It was a happy family reunion. In Pondicherry, also bumped into my junior and his wife. We had a lovely dinner together. Their presence made Pondicherry even more exciting. During the monsoon, I and son went for a weekend getaway to a beautiful organic resort in Karjat. That was also a great experience. During Diwali, my friend Negi and her daughter came over and we explored Mumbai for two days. These days, thanks to Mumbai traffic and all the digging work going on in the city, I hardly step out of the house. Therefore, it was a nice feeling to go out and roam around in the city.

Watched a Play: I used to visit Prithvi theater regularly and watch plays. However, these days I hardly found time to go. Therefore, in July, after a long gap, I went and watched a play called Trasdi. It is written, directed, and performed by Manav Kaul. And let me talk about another coincidence. During my visit to Prague, I had bought a t-shirt for my husband. The other day, I saw Instagram stories of Manav Kaul roaming around Prague wearing the same type of T-shirt. It was quite a happy coincidence to find that my favorite theatre personality have the same taste in t-shirts as mine.

Tattoo: For ages, I had wanted to get a tattoo. In November, I fulfilled that long-cherished dream. I got a cleavage tattoo that shocked my family and acquaintances alike. More than the tattoo, they were shocked at the location of the tattoo. I got asked questions like, “Did a guy do the tattoo?”, “Did the tattoo artist take any advantage during the process?” “Did you not feel any shame?” “Why a cleavage tattoo? whom do you want to show it?” “It is at such a place that hardly anyone can see” “Please stay safe, your tattoo is suggestive and inviting”. So yes, even in 2024, we have hardly moved on from old taboos and misogyny. Even in 2024, a woman’s body is not her own and she has to answer so many ‘inappropriate’ and ‘useless’ questions. The only answer I want to give is that it is my body, my tattoo and I will get it wherever I want to, none of your f$$king business.

Kolkata Trip: In December, I visited my hometown. I got the opportunity to meet so many friends and relatives that my heart is full of joy. It is always a refreshing feeling to reconnect with old friends from school, college, and childhood.

These are more or less the things that made my 2024 worth living. Please tell me about your 2024. Also, what is your Word of the Year (WOTY) for 2025? This time, I am struggling to find one word, one intention. Let me see what I can do in the next few days.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2025 to you and your loved ones.

Gratitude for November 2024

In October, I quit my job. It took me a while to realize I wouldn’t have any regular income. I felt sad but relieved. The daily struggle of commuting to a toxic workplace was no less than death for me. The freedom to use my time and energy how I wanted was liberating. I stopped regretting and started enjoying. Here are the things that made my November special.

Family Support: The decision to quit my job was not easy. It took me quite a few sleepless nights and numerous rounds of discussions with close friends and family members to finally get the courage to quit. Thankfully, the better half and son were supportive and eased my worries. They made me realize that it is time I pursue my passions. This leads to the second thing on my list.

NaNoWrimo: In 2018, I published my first book “Golden Rainbow” (This is the link to buy the book). I wanted to write my second book soon after. However, I faced time constraints over the last six years. Because of this, I could not manage to write a single word of that book. As the saying in Buddhism goes “Turn poison into medicine”, I used my joblessness as an opportunity to write and fulfill my dream. I wrote the draft of my second book. I managed to write 60k words in the last 30 days. I will keep you posted about the book.

Sneak Peek: It revolves around the generational trauma shared by three women from three generations.

Trip to Sanjay Gandhi National Park: On Diwali, after ages, we went for a picnic. It was four of us. Me and my son along with my friend and her daughter. We woke up early in the morning and took a metro ride to reach Sanjay Gandhi National Park. We had packed sandwiches, fruits, and juices. We went inside and had an old-fashioned picnic. As it was Diwali, there were hardly any visitors inside the park. It felt like a true jungle safari with only us and the animals.

Trip to Bandra Gaothan: After the successful trip to SGNP, we decided to explore our city a little more. The next day we went to Bandra. I have been living in this city for almost 18 years now. In all these years, I never got any opportunity to explore the Bandra East Indian villages. I mean, I have definitely passed through them but I had always wanted to walk and explore. This long-cherished dream was finally fulfilled. The four of us spent the entire Choti Diwali morning walking through the meandering roads of Bandra. It was sheer bliss.

Tattoo: Now please bear with me. This month, I also fulfilled another long-cherished dream. I finally got inked. I have been scared of needles. Previously on two occasions, I ran away from the tattoo shop. This time my friend KN was there to support me while I was getting inked. Thankfully, a tattoo hurts less than a root canal. So I am now comfortable getting a few more of them.

Stop the Monkey Brain

Let me confess, these days I don’t read much. I plan to read but then I start scrolling through social media or YouTube and end up wasting my time watching or reading bogus content. And then starts a vicious cycle of guilt, shame, and self-blame. As I read less, I also buy less number of books. There was a time when a considerable part of my salary used to be spent buying books. Now, unfortunately, that is not the case. Out of guilt, I also stopped visiting the tiny bookshop in my locality. Earlier, that bookshop used to be my refuge from the chaotic world. Now, crossing the store fills me with deep shame.

Nevertheless, a month ago, I was finding it difficult to cope at my workplace. I once again took refuge in that bookshop. The moment I entered the shop, the books engulfed me with a deep, comforting warmth. I instantly found solace. I ended up buying a book by Pema Chodron, one of my favorite Buddhist nuns.

When I started reading the book, I had no idea that it will change my life. For years, I have struggled with meditation. While I have become more advanced in yoga practice, meditation never came under control. Every time, I sit down to meditate, my mind starts to wander after a couple of minutes. I read numerous books, attended meditation retreats, and did lots of things. For a short while, I focused, however, after a few days my mind become restless again.

This book changed my process. With just a simple line, Pema Chodron taught me how to stop the chatter of the mind. She showed me how to bring the monkey mind under control. She wrote:

The root of suffering escalates into full-blown suffering when we go on and on with our habitual emotional reactivity, when we let ourselves get carried off by our thoughts and stories.

The part that caught my attention in the book was how she spoke about the “stories we keep telling ourselves”. I realized, that unknowingly even I keep telling myself so many stories. These stories are about myself and others. These stories are from the past and the future but hardly ever from the present. The key to end suffering and become more mindful is by stop telling these stories.

The trick is to catch ourselves telling these stories. Our mind is clever and it weaves these stories subtly. If you really want to practice mindfulness, recognize these stories. You should stop them from becoming full-blown. The more we come back to our breath, the more mindful we become. We stop these stories and become more aware of the present situation. I would recommend reading this book if you are into meditation. I just highlighted the part that was meaningful to me. You may find something else interesting. It’s also a good choice if you aspire to become more mindful. Have a mindful November.

Jethun: The Memories of a Milk Booth

I remember stories and people from my childhood quite well. Unfortunately, I struggle to remember people or incidents from the present. When I started this blog, I intended to curate stories from my childhood. But over time, I started writing about whatever I felt like writing without adhering to my original intent.

Today, after ages, I feel like writing about one of my Aunts. I used to call her Jethun. She was the wife of my dad’s elder cousin. Jethun was not well-educated and she got married at a young age. She had a daughter who tragically died at five years old. After losing the child, Jethun’s husband turned spiritual and almost gave up on a domestic life. Even though he continued working as an engineer in a government department, he gave up on domesticity. He started spending his days doing prayers and meditation. He hardly interfered in domestic activities and spent most of his time in the prayer room.

Jethun must have felt lonely. She lost her child and in a way also her husband. She hardly had any family from her husband’s side. We were the only ones she had. Jethun loved to travel. When I was around five or six years old, Jethun came to meet us in Gangtok. She fell in love with the city and our home. She spent her days exploring Gangtok like a little girl excited to see new things. One day, she took me to the market. In Gangtok, there was only one toy shop. She took me there and asked me to choose a toy. I innocently asked her if she could buy me all the toys from the shop because it was difficult to choose only one. She burst out laughing. She said that unfortunately, she could not buy me all the toys. I have to choose one. I chose a yellow plastic doll that was wearing a floral dress. I fell in love with that doll and named it Tinku. The doll became my constant companion. I started spending all my time carrying that doll in my arms as if it was my baby.

In Kolkata, Jethun lived in an area that was full of greenery. There was a children’s park next to her house. I loved visiting her house for two reasons, first for the park’s swing and second for the milk booth. Back then, swings were a novelty because unlike now, there were not many children’s parks in middle-class neighborhoods. Whenever I went to Jethun’s house, I spent hours swinging on the Jhula. However, the swing was my second favorite. My main attraction was the milk booth. Are you wondering why? Well, as a child, I was mesmerized by the milk booth. To get milk, we had to insert a coin into the milk vending machine. Then, milk came out of one of the nozzles. Milk was available only at a certain fixed time. My biggest excitement was to take the steel milk can and run to the milk booth. I would buy a the milk coupon, insert the coupon, and wait for the milk to come out of the nozzle. It was an amazingly thrilling adventure for me.

The Mother Dairy Milk Booth. The steel cans used to be placed below the nozzle and coins were inserted and milk came out. It was a magical experience for me.

I also loved Jhetun’s house. Unlike my mom’s house, it was devoid of clutter, organized, clean, and tastefully decorated. I was especially fond of two artifacts. The first was the wooden replica of a Kashmiri houseboat. The second was the framed photo of a Tibetan man with a prayer wheel. She was often accused as miser and money-minded but I always admired her as a strong woman. Back in those days, it was not easy for a woman to manage everything on her own. He husband had stopped taking care of the finances, so she had to step up and manage all banking work and whatever other financial work was there. When they bought the house, she was the one who managed everything. It was easy to judge her but nobody appreciated her inner strength. She was also a social woman who actively took part in community activities.

I lost touch with Jethun over the years. However, I never lost touch with all the good memories that I had with her. I feel blessed to have come across such strong women in my life, who probably unknowingly shaped my character and made me what I am today. Do you have anyone who inspired you in childhood?